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Jordan2020

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About Jordan2020

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  • Birthday 03/07/2001

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  1. These past couple days have been awful I mean awful. My mind has been everywhere and I can't get my mind to calm down. It is like my body wants everything in my life to be perfect so I am constantly overanalyzing every little thing I do every single day and it takes all my energy just to that and it makes it so I can't have meaningful convos with friends, family, or even if I would find a potential girlfriend. I have created goals and priority lists and I don't know what is wrong still. My mind goes all over the place all day and I wish I could stop it. Besides that I keep also trying to justify playing games in my head which makes me even more tired due to the fact that, that takes a lot of willpower on my end. Also I keep seeing the same girl that dumped me 6hrs after telling me she loves me at school every single day and her ignoring me and cold shouldering me makes me feel worse. I really like her and she liked me for a short period of time and I just wish things could go back to the way they were with the touching and smiling and flirting she did with him. There is only a couple more months of school left and that is what makes me concerned that I won't be able to get her back. She is also a foreign exchange student and I am trying to reach out before she goes back. I was going to approach her on Monday and see what what things led to and if she would be open to talking but every time I see her she is with a group of friends. I want to walk up to her and just say hi. Also I have been procrastinating on a lot of my goals because I work my butt off at school and then I get home and I am too tired to do anything else but try to game or watch movies. I don't want to get a job for that reason even though a job would help out with a lot of goals. Also this morning my throat started to get sore so I hope I am not starting to get sick. That could be another reason for not wanting to do anything these past couple days my body has been fighting something. Overall I am on day 3 of my detox for nofap and gaming. Last night I watched the movie 40 days and 40 nights so that'll push me in the semen-retention movement even more. My mind is just everywhere right now. Hopefully I will find a way to calm it soon.
  2. This past week I relapsed bad into my old self. I thought that I could play video games in moderation, but I fell back into getting my sense of progression from them and that felt amazing and I went back to playing all day everyday. I even skipped school 4 days last week. I went to school one day. Also because I felt bad about getting heavy into gaming and relapsing again so I went on a relapse on nofap as well. I am back now and today is my first day of not gaming and of nofap. I realized I am not going to go back to gaming this time until my 90 days are done and I will reevaluate no matter how much I think I can get back into moderation. I need to do these days first then evaluate. Also I am going to start doing something new on this journal I am going to do 3 gratitudes, 3 goals, 1 in relationships, 1 in wealth, and 1 in health every single day, also I am going to do identity by saying who I am going to be today. Gratitudes: A family that wants the best for me, My dog is well again after her leg being broken for 2 months, My Florida trip in a few weeks. Goals: Relationships- Try to talk to the girl that I did no contact with for 4 months, Wealth- Get caught up on school work and college stuff so I can make something of myself later, Health- Already somewhat started today with my morning routine with grooming myself and dressing myself well and clean, also I ate a very healthy breakfast. I ate 2 boiled eggs with apple oatmeal, some coffee, and a cup of milk. Later I am going to do an intensity workout at school in the weight room so. Identity: Today I am going to be an action taker badass. Get everything knocked out at school and come home and do even more work on my self-improvement. Let's go!
  3. Well today so far I think I am starting to get sick because my throat is sore and I am getting a headache. The other thing is I left earlier to go to school to hang out with the girl that I like and I keep getting really annoyed and I know she said she has a boyfriend. But every time I talk to her she brings up her boyfriend. During our 30min convo she brought her boyfriend up like 6 times and I don't like it. It makes me think of if I would have been able to be found easier a year ago she would have been dating me. She said she really liked me a year ago and wanted to date me but she couldn't find me and now I am too late. The things she says she is doing with her boyfriend could have been me. Now I have two girl issues I got the issue with the ex and this could have been girlfriend bothering me. My gaming is still going really good in moderation but I could improve in my procrastinating. I get out of school and working out and I have no more energy to work on my goals when I get home after school.
  4. Today is somewhat depressing. There is this new girl that told me she liked me and that she wanted to tell me a year ago when we went to spring break in Florida during a Christian group trip but then we got back and she found her now boyfriend a month after. She said she tried to look for me but couldn't find me. I am now really interested in her but it is hard for me to let it go because she tells me all this stuff she does with her boyfriend and I start thinking to myself I could have been that person and had all these things. I am too late and it doesn't help me. She is a good friend but I want to be more than that and I know it is wrong to want to take her away from her boyfriend but I am kinda jealous. Other than dealing with that today I am trying to not think about girls as much today and focus on myself and doing my school work and thinking about all the positive activities and events in my life. I don't really have friends which I want to improve somehow but I don't know how. Today there has been incidents with two different girls that I kinda know which made me feel worse about myself and my looks. There was a girl earlier at our school's printers and we were printing stuff off and I was looking out into the hall and she looked over at her friend and start whispering to her about me probably telling her friend that I was staring at her which I wasn't. Then there was another group of girls later who when I was going to the library they were about to sit down and I sat down and they said to each other lets go sit over there when there were several other chairs where I was. I am trying to not let it effect me and just trying to straighten my attitude right now and be as productive on my own as I can be and hoping the friends and relationships will come with time. By the way today is my 7th day of nofap I just beat my last streak of 6 days. Also I still am doing very well gaming in moderation.
  5. I then slept for 15 hours yesterday afternoon until this morning @Amphibian220
  6. I saw this youtube video last night it was an ad before the actual video I was wanting to watch. The ad caught my eyes. It was a guy talking about how there are many men out there who have the success they want and they have the job, they have their values understood. They are all set in the health and wealth category except he still can't get a wife or girlfriend. Many of you guys are saying that I need to work on myself to become the best version of myself which I am already doing and I am still getting nowhere with the girls. I hate it. The motivational people out there along with many successful celebrities say that the only reason guys work their asses off to be successful is so they can have that girl or whatever they want. I am happy in my wealth and health where I am at right now in High School. The only thing that I am not happy with and that causes my life to be depressing and I fall apart everyday is the fact that I still can't get a girlfriend. That is why I am losing self-esteem and I am starting to reevaluate myself. I tell myself I am happy and doing amazing in every other aspect of my life except for the relationships part so I tell myself it must be because I am ugly or this thing, or that thing. The other thing I found out moving on from girls...I am able to play games in moderation. I realized that when I play a game now I get bored pretty quick because I am not committed when I am only playing 30min to a few hours on days here or there. When I do that to myself it makes it so I am not committed to the game I am playing because I know I am going to get off soon so I am not going to obtain the goals in my game that I want so it gets boring really quick. I have realized my addiction comes back when I become committed to the game I am playing and I get sucked into it, but If I keep doing what I am doing I won't go back to being committed and it'll allow me to play in moderation. So the only other thing I am tracking right now is that I am on day 6 of nofap and I still don't see any benefits yet but I hope to soon. Right now though I am super depressed and I really want a relationship and I know it is impossible so until something comes I feel I am going to continue being miserable.
  7. @Alexanderle I have tried to find a girlfriend but no girls show interest in me or even talk to me. No girl will ask me out and they all mostly ignore me. If a girl showed interest I would ask them out but none of them show interest so I don't even asked. I have asked out maybe 2 girls in the past year and a half. The one I didn't even ask out she just told me she had a crush on me and she was going to tell me but she never followed through because when we got back from spring break trip she found her boyfriend and they have been together for almost a year now. The other girl that I asked out I asked her out because she was flirting with me and touching my arm when she passed me in the halls. She gave very clear signs she was into me. Out of nowhere though one day she told me she loved me and then I got all excited and that very night she broke up with me and it still bothers me and I still don't know what happened. I mean you don't tell a person you love them and then 6hrs later block them on Instagram and never want to talk to you again. That really hurt. Other than those 2 girls I have had no luck with finding girls who are interested.
  8. That is the problem @Alexanderle. I have worked on every other area such as confidence, energy, working out, eating well, reading books to improve myself. I watch teachingmensfashion videos for style, grooming, and fitness. I am still not getting any attention from girls at my school even with all the changes these past 2 years to myself. For the most part I am ok with social interaction. I am not the best but I am pretty good. I am getting tired of working on myself to not get anywhere with women. I am not going to continue working my ass off to get nowhere. I am content with everything else. The only thing left that I am not content with is the girlfriend part. That is the only area of my life that makes me super depressed to the point of almost not being able to function. I am not happy. The girlfriend will complete it. Like I said I am content with everything else but the girlfriend, but also like I said earlier I am not going to continue. I am running out of go juice to keep going. The depression is continuing to get worse. No girls at my school will talk to me. I only have one friend that is a girl but she has a boyfriend and she said she liked me before she met her boyfriend but she couldn't find me before they got together. She said she tried to find me. She even tried to find me on facebook but I am not on facebook. Today is my 9th day of not gaming and my 3rd day of nofap. The cravings aren't as bad to fap and there are no gaming cravings for some reason. I would say the biggest reason for not having gaming cravings is I am more concerned about trying to get a girlfriend right now and they takes up my time. I would also say the part that contributes to my low self-esteem and social anxiety is not having a girlfriend because then it makes me think it is me for the reason I don't have one.
  9. Well today is my 8th day of no gaming and my 2nd day of nofap because like I said I relapsed on it 2 days ago. Today I am depressed again and tired. I for some odd reason had pretty bad insomnia last night. It has been that way the past few nights and I don't know why. I was happy coming to school but then I went in and felt depressed while sitting at a table with friends while the girl who once told me she liked me but no longer likes me and it has been that way for 4 months. I saw her very well dressed and I keep thinking she was going to look at me with how close we were and give me a smile but she just continued ignoring me. It made me feel horrible. Some days she is completely cold and acts like I am not there and other times I will be walking somewhere or doing something and she will stop and smile at me or even look at me. When she does that I feel amazing and I start thinking she will come back around and a few weeks later I lose hope again and it really hurts and I start to think negatively of myself or I want to throw in the towel about my life. I don't want to work super hard to become majorly successful if I can't even get into a relationship with someone to share it with. I would probably say the biggest reason I have been depressed for the past 4 years is because I am single and can't get a girlfriend no matter how hard I try and it really, really hurts. It makes me want to give up on life and sometimes I honestly start thinking about committing suicide because of it. When she told me the day she liked me I was so happy that I can't even describe how far away my depression went and to know that being in a relationship has that much control on how I feel makes me feel worse. I have tried being like those people you see telling guys to just work on themselves and their lives and not to think about girls or a relationship but I honestly can't. I will try it over and over and it don't work for me. The only way I am going to fix this super depressive state that has been with me for years is to find a way to get into a relationship.
  10. I feel horrible, but not completely horrible today. If I had to give a word to the feeling I would say confused and nervous. Last night I didn't relapse on gaming but I did relapse on nofap. It got very uncomfortable and I couldn't take it anymore. I was getting any benefits from it so I said I ain't going to put myself through so much pain to get no benefits. Today I almost stayed in bed and didn't come to school but I told myself to get up and go. I could really use a coffee right now though too but I don't have any cash because I don't have a job and I am a senior in high school. How sad is that to be a senior in high school and you don't have any money saved, no cellphone, no car of your own (I am using my Dad's car.) I really feel awful not having really no money of my own. I have had 5 jobs and I can't seem to hold any job I get for very long. I get burnt out and I quit. I have a hard time committing to anything that I do. The other thing that is bothering me is that the girl that I like that doesn't like me back anymore I still can't get over her and she broke up with me back in October and I feel awful every time I see her at school and I keep thinking she will turn back around but nothing has happened. It makes me really depressed. Another thing bothering me is I have been thinking yesterday and today to get back into gaming in moderation but I keep telling myself to go through the 90 days first. Also I don't know about doing the nofap and trying to go longer and not give in again, but I don't want to do it and the benefits never kick in. Also I am going to try to come back to my Christian faith that I have been pushing away for awhile because of my major depressive episodes. Also I kinda got off and on my meds so I am going to try to get them going straight again. That'll make me feel a little better. Also I want to start working on my self-esteem. I think my super low self-esteem is the cause for my being awkward and nervous in social situations along with my super depressive episodes and it could be part of why I have been single and can't get a girlfriend for the past 4 years. I don't want to be single but It is super hard not to be. Out of all these issues the biggest one bothering me is the fact that I am still single and I have been trying to get a girlfriend and I can't do it. It is like the universe wants me to stay single and I hate it. I would say this contributes to me being so depressed all the time. It makes my PTSD worse too. I just want to fix all these issues one by one so I can be more fulfilled in life.
  11. Today is my 6th day of nofap and no gaming and I don't really feel different yet. I am hoping that'll change. I am nervous about my dog right now because she has to get her leg amputated today while I am in school. I hope to come home and hear goods new. Other than that today is mostly just a waiting game.
  12. Same bro. I felt the exact same way before detoxing completely. Right now I don't want to game and it feels amazing. Use your time to accomplish big goals and dreams in real life instead of goals and dreams on a tv screen that after several hours you still feel unfulfilled.
  13. Hey if you want to boost your productivity and self-esteem and energy through the roof even if you don't have a porn addiction or masturbating addiction I would highly recommend you try nofap. It does wonders for all of those. You don't have to do anything extra except just wait a few days to a couple weeks. It is different when it starts working for everyone. Just don't masturbate and wait for it.
  14. Yesterday I was busy so I didn't post but today I am feeling pretty good. Each day I go I keep getting more and more clearheaded and I finally realize what I want to do and where I am heading with my life. Today is my 5th day of nofap and the no gaming. I have not really seen any improvements yet except for being a little more clearheaded as I said earlier. There are tons of videos that I have seen the past few days talking about the benefits of semen-retention. The big ones that I saw are increase in testosterone levels, Increase in confidence and self-esteem, increase in attractiveness. They are saying that if you don't fap that you will become very attractive out of nowhere from the opposite sex, and increase in energy. I haven't seen any of that yet but I hope it is true and I am not doing this for nothing. I want to fap really bad but I am staying with it. It takes a lot of discipline. Also I found out the biggest area I need to work on right now on myself is my self-esteem. For years I have had very low self-esteem and I want to increase that and doing this nofap I have been told that it'll be the best way to naturally boost your self-esteem out of nowhere. You don't have to really put any effort except to just not fap and your good. I hope this works. I am also all caught up on school work, reading list, house chores. I just am feeling better and better as the days go. lets keep this streak up. I have not felt this good I don't think ever. Later today I am going to do another 3 mile run and lift a bunch of weights and then go home and be more productive on my other life goals. lets keep this ball rolling. Big things to come. I hope all you are feeling great as well.
  15. I really would love to be traveling right now and seeing the world. I can't lie I am a little jealous of you right now but I will be going to Florida in 6 weeks so I am feeling pretty good. I am going to work on my not gaming and NOFAP and when I go on spring break my detox will be half way through and that will feel very good. Anyways I hope you have fun right now. That'll really help you from gaming this weekend and it's good that you open up that you do have an issue with gaming. That is the first step.
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