d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

1 hour ago, reza Mrb said:

i hate that part  , i quit LOL two weeks ago and i didn't play a single game but i can't tell you how many times i performed airblade in my head , how many insecs i did in my head . but every time i think about it i just open game quitters and see what people share or simply i look at what i wrote to remind me why i quit at the first place .

i am trying to resist and fill my schedule to not have anytime to think about LOL

I know by now that even if I downloaded and played it I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’ve relapsed enough to know by now. It’s just the thought of playing that makes it seem fun. But actually doing it is not fun for me anymore. It’s actually a very stressful game and feels like a job.

[d.manuk]

Literally just had the best and most fulFILLING sex I’ve had in at least a year. Probably the 2nd best of my life. God it was so good and so needed. I’m happy I found this guy. He knows a lot about classical music since he plays the violin so I will get to hear some more awesome music too which is great since I feel it’s very niche and has a lot of different songs. Pretty sure I just found my first friend with benefits. He thought I was hot even though I’m having a not so great skin day. I don’t really understand why. God I feel high. Happy I found someone I can be a bit more stable with, he can save me from myself a little bit haha.

Edited February 16, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Ergh. I don't look good today, I have a good amount of breakouts. I'm supposed to meet with my new fwb today and I am stressed out about it due to the way I look. It's funny, because I had some breakouts when we last met too, though I think I look worse today. But he had told me I looked very sexy. But basically, I care about this person now and so I am stressed out about the way I look whereas if it were some random person I knew nothing about, I wouldn't care as much.

I really want to cancel on him, but I don't think I should do that. It would hurt our forward momentum since its so early on and we had made plans to see each other today. I fucking hate the way I look sometimes. 🤬

 

Edit: I took a look I’m a different mirror with less harsh light and decided I didn’t look too bad. Not bad enough to cancel at least. I still don’t look very beautiful though.

Edited February 17, 2020 by Shine Magical

[Alexanderle]

Don't think so much about yourself. Try to focus on the outside, focus on other people. I feel that we have this tendency to have very high expectations, when looking into the mirror or on pictures, which we can never fulfill. As a result, we are then frustrated, unhappy  and do not like, how we look. Therefore, we will always find things to "complain" about. When we have bad skin, we don't like the skin, when our skin is fine, we don't like our hair, when we are overweight, we hate that we are overweight, when we finally have a sixpack, we are annoyed that other people are still more ripped than we are. So focus on the outside, what other people were, what they are doing, where they are coming from etc. Get away from this self negativity. It is going to be there anyway, whatever you do. When I look at photos of mine, I could scream. xD

Ps.: Don't say to yourself that you don't look beautiful. What you say this to a person, you would sincerely love and take care of? And I think this is your goal: To take care of yourself, promote yourself and be there to yourself. I am sure, you look like a beautiful angel. 🙂

[d.manuk]

I’m lonely and want a boyfriend. But someone told me it would be good for me to be single for a while since I’ve never lived in my own or been single for very long. But I miss having someone around that cares about me.

Edited February 24, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

And yet, yesterday I felt pretty happy about being alone in my quiet apartment. I guess it comes and goes. 

[d.manuk]

I almost ordered some marijuana. Yikes! Thankfully I stopped myself. Also thought about playing League of Legends for a few minutes but also don’t have good internet so I put that thought away too. 

I’ve been thinking of creating a drawing meetup group, which would cost money but that way I could have people over at my house to draw. I’m having a hard time socializing so far and have been pretty alone. 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Shine Magical

[TheNewMe2.0]

6 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

I almost ordered some marijuana. Yikes! Thankfully I stopped myself. Also thought about playing League of Legends for a few minutes but also don’t have good internet so I put that thought away too. 

I’ve been thinking of creating a drawing meetup group, which would cost money but that way I could have people over at my house to draw. I’m having a hard time socializing so far and have been pretty alone. 

Hello, I've often thought about making a drawing meetup too as there isn't one in my area. I settled for joining other groups though. It's hard to be motivated to do a hobby when you can't find other people to do it with. Good luck finding a group that suits you. 

[d.manuk]

I have a cold so I’ve been especially bored. I took the last 2 days off from work and I started working on a painting I had been working on a few months ago but I’m not that thrilled with it. It’s more cartoony and my newer style is a little more realistic I think. I’m still going to finish it, I want to experiment with a new art photography technique I researched.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Hello, your art sounds interesting. Could you post it on here for us? 

[d.manuk]

So...I did smoke some weed and did play some video games.

Now I'm not as sick, I don't want to do either atm. My excuse was that I was sick and very bored since I couldn't go to the gym or have sex which have been my main 2 hobbies over the past month. Can't wait to feel fully better and go back to the gym asap. Gaming was fun, but also mildly stressful and I don't really miss it. It was a fun activity to do when I wasn't feel good and didn't have much else going on.

Either way I made it hard on myself by going to a eSports gaming lounge my in neighborhood and playing there. It was actually an interesting experience, not as cozy as doing it at home and its a 12 minute walk to get there so I have to put in some work to play the video games. It actually is a good way to regulate my gaming usage. 

I think I'm going to buy some more plants. I also miss drinking tea and realized I sold my tea ware too soon, too quickly... I bought some of it back. It hasn't been the best past few days but I'm starting to be able to breathe more clearly through my nose and I'm sure in 2 days I will be good to go. I feel optimistic today. 

[d.manuk]

I just caught myself expecting you to come home

 

I really miss the babe side of you I had been in love with

Edited March 5, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I’m thriving right now.

[d.manuk]

I think I still need about 7 weeks to fully transform into an upgraded version of myself.

May 2 2020

Edited March 14, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Today I was doing some deep cleaning and came across 3 journals written from Jan 2018 through mid-2019. There weren't many journal entries (more to-do lists), but some were jarring to read now that I’m out of the situation. I tore out 2 pages of good to-do lists and threw the 3 journals out. It felt good to release the journals and not have to stumble upon them again in the future.

 

After living here in Malden, MA for 2 months my apartment is starting to feel like a home. I love the freedom! 😊

Edited March 24, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I've been having good days but it's also been hard. I wonder if Mike sometimes stops what he's doing and realizes he misses me, like I do with him. I really miss his company today. I feel very isolated with the quarantine.

I can suddenly feel very lost and alone sometimes and I'm not used to it. Suddenly all of this time passed by like a quick dream, a lot of unexpected and unbelievable things happened to me while we were together.

I'm still in a lot of pain from my breakup but I don't feel it most of the time.

Edited April 11, 2020 by Shine Magical

[ceponatia]

I imagine it's tough right now with the isolation but stay strong!

[d.manuk]

2019 was actually a very great year, despite my tumultuous relationship. I created a 2019 highlight of my past Instagram stories and it was really nice to look back on.

 

The beginning on 2019 didn't look so great either but there were a lot of gems in the second half of the year... I have a feeling this year is going to go the same way!

Edited April 14, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I created an art and tea meetup group to set the stage for finding more friends and socializing.

[d.manuk]

Finally finished this art piece I've been working on. It's 22" x 30"

[d.manuk]

I think I've managed to let go of a lot of the sadness that stemmed from my unmet expectations of my previous relationship. Time is doing it's thing. Is there a next step that I should take this thinking, or is that it and I've closed that chapter of my life?

 

[d.manuk]

I’ve decided to see what being a watercolor artist streamer on Twitch would be like. It seems like it could be fun and get me to do more art.

[BooksandTrees]

On 4/29/2020 at 1:08 PM, Shine Magical said:

I think I've managed to let go of a lot of the sadness that stemmed from my unmet expectations of my previous relationship. Time is doing it's thing. Is there a next step that I should take this thinking, or is that it and I've closed that chapter of my life?

 

I think you're just adapting to life away from your ex. You're trusting yourself more and building confidence in being alone more often and doing things for yourself. The less you depend on someone the easier it gets. Those are all positive improvements that just come with time, healing, and action. So remember to take time for yourself and reflect on your improvement. I'd say keep doing what you're doing and working on things you enjoy. 

Edited May 8, 2020 by BooksandTrees

[d.manuk]

I came across this quote on Reddit that felt applicable: Feeling angry at being disrespected is a logical response, and shows some indication that you understand that you deserve better.

 

I looked at my ex's Instagram stories, and I think his eyes look very sad. I wonder how he’s doing, but also don’t really want to know. I miss my friends in NYC but I’m doing alright.

I've been streaming on Twitch as I work on my art piece. On the days when I actually have someone in the room with me, I work for a lot longer than I would on my own which was the whole point of streaming my art. Yesterday I streamed and made art for 6 hours!!! Usually it’s 1 hour maximum. The Creative category is not very popular on Twitch, but that could also be an opportunity for me.

Edited May 24, 2020 by Shine Magical

[TheNewMe2.0]

Nice job doing art for six hours. That's quite a while.