d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

Not having to work feel so good. ?

I roasted some chestnuts this morning, I'm drinking tea, going to do my laundry and make a smoothie, then hit the gym once stuff is in the dryer.

I've been working out fairly consistently (2ce a week at least) since earlier this year where I started tracking my workouts. Now I'm starting a pretty formal workout routine (4x a week hopefully) that's tracked in a spreadsheet. It took about 4 hours of studying to understand what to do lol but I'm looking forward to the results that I think it'll get me.

I've already gone on 1 vacation since I got fired, will be going to LA next week, then Miami the last week of December, then I'm moving into a larger 2 bedroom right after that. This is a great time of change for me and I'm doing my best to feel good, not feel stressed, and become my best self that I can in this moment.

Edited December 1, 2018 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Damn it. I've spent probably 30 or 40 hours gaming in the past week. ?

I'm not doing the stuff I said I'd be doing and the stuff I was somewhat excited to do. I feel guilty for using my time this way but I also don't want to stop??? The stuff I wanted to do no longer seems interesting because now gaming feels so damn good.

What a mess.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Ok. The HDMI cord I ordered last week came today. I’ll be hooking up my laptop to my TV which will be creating an automatic block to playing League. It also will help me watch anime since I won’t need to covert the videos and put them on a USB. Excited about moving past this recent stumble of mine.

 

I’m also officially starting a new 90 day detox. I think I need it badly.

12/17, Day 0.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I was in Miami for a week so obviously no gaming.

1st day when I got back, also no gaming.

But the 2nd day back, my bf started playing video games and it triggered me and made me want to play games too so I did. I've played like 7 games already in 24 hours. Shit

[d.manuk]

Today is day 0.

[Guest]

I came here after year and half and still struggling with addiction and life. Feel free to pm me if you want or if you have cravings or bad mood whatever. 

[d.manuk]

I'm still struggling with my addiction (cringing as I write addiction) and I'm frustrated. I've probably spent about 8 days total playing video games in the past 2 months.

The realization came to me today.

I was on vacation in Canada for a week and came back yesterday. When I was in Canada I worked out every single day. I didn't have internet access, except through hotspot through my phone. I was bored at times, took it slow, but it was good. I did a good job feeding myself and ate frequently and until I was full. I spent 2.5 - 3 hours every time at the gym and had really good workouts. Today, it was my intent to work out again. But at the gym, all I could think about was going home to play League. I was distracted, didn't really want to be there, wasn't that productive. I cut the workout short even though I was having no problem lifting the weights.

I've had enough and I don't want my life to continue this way. Playing video games is fun! But it's making everything else less fun and then I can only think about playing video games much of the time. It's really bothering me, I wish I could just stop. It's my intent to stop playing now. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold onto this determination, but I want to work out and not feel distracted. I don't want to think about League of Legends very much. I want to eat a lot and feed my body, not make quick fix foods so I can go back to playing League (and eat them in a choppy way that is dictated by the flow of the game). I've uninstalled the game (again, for the 1293i03587-912th time).

Today is day zero!

 

Edited March 1, 2019 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I have done a lot of positive things during the last few months too though, I want to write that too and not focus entirely on the negatives (which is something I have a habit of doing).

I've made some significant improvements in my personal life and in organizing my life. I've refocused on some of my hobbies and cut out others that I felt weren't really doing it for me anymore. I look pretty attractive physically and I think I've gotten a bit smarter. I think my relationship is going well too and I've gotten confidence in some other ways.

[mattso]

Good to see you again (actually for me it's first time). Last time I saw your journal there were no new posts for over a month, and I was wondering if you would come back. What if this attempt is going to make it?

[d.manuk]

3 minutes ago, mattso said:

What if this attempt is going to make it?

Well, that would be interesting!

In order to not relapse again, I feel like I would need to make at least 4 friends that want to hang out on a regular basis to keep me busy. I think that is the only thing that would be able to keep me distracted and happy enough with how I spend my time to not go back to gaming.

 

It's interesting how naturally this sentence came out of me, although I never really thought about it before. I'm always so focused on my individual activities and being productive.

[d.manuk]

Eek. It's only been 4 hours and already I was telling my boyfriend how I feel like breaking my resolution to not play video games anymore.

The pull of my habit of playing League of Legends late at night is strong...

[d.manuk]

I'm going to buy some more plants for the apartment!

[d.manuk]

I haven't played any video games since March 1.

[d.manuk]

The first 2 days were challenging, but after that I got very into doing errands and catching up on stuff.

Today, I feel another urge though and it's challenging for me to stay on track. My boyfriend just left for a work trip and it's raining outside... it's the perfect setting to play video games. ☹️

[fawn_xoxo]

Or it's the perfect setting to revisit your goals and standards for yourself! It's a chance to replace the triggering setting by connecting it to something else.

[d.manuk]

7 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Or it's the perfect setting to revisit your goals and standards for yourself! It's a chance to replace the triggering setting by connecting it to something else.

I couldn't think of anything else to do other than chores like doing laundry (which I need to do badly) or watch TV...

[d.manuk]

Unfortunately, I played some video games yesterday. I don't know. The setting was just so strong and I couldn't think of anything else that could help pass the time.

I said yesterday that I'd only play 3 games and then stop playing. I played 2 then decided to uninstall... but later in the night I wanted to play more so I re-installed.... now I'm playing again this morning. Oh, man!!!!!!! I'm already quickly falling back into my gaming routine. Wah. I need to help myself!!

[mattso]

I don't want to sound rude, but I'm just curious as a fairly new member. You created this journal 2,5 years ago, and you're still going. What makes so that you keep going in this game-no game-game-no game rhythm? How do you generally feel about this period? Do you feel like you're still making progress?

[d.manuk]

On 3/12/2019 at 3:52 AM, mattso said:

I don't want to sound rude, but I'm just curious as a fairly new member. You created this journal 2,5 years ago, and you're still going. What makes so that you keep going in this game-no game-game-no game rhythm? How do you generally feel about this period? Do you feel like you're still making progress? 

The period where I didn't game for over a year was when I was studying for a certification and simply didn't have time to do anything else otherwise I wouldn't have passed.

Lately I seem to be in a place where I don't game for a good amount of time, then play games for a few days and then stop again by uninstalling to ensure I keep doing other things. But I need to stay in a "I am quitting" mindset because otherwise gaming will become a  daily habit for months at a time, which is something I don't want. It would likely be better if I didn't play (because of the risk of it becoming a longer-term habit) at all but sometimes I slip up!

Edited March 16, 2019 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Haven't played video games since Monday. I think I only played 4 league games during my slip up.

Anyway, I'm back on track now. Very busy.

[fawn_xoxo]

Good job getting back up and trying again! Don't give up, it gets better with every new lesson from slip ups.

[d.manuk]

The theme of 2019 is going to be "RELEASE"

[d.manuk]

 

Very exhausted. I'm planning a trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong that I'm leaving for in a little over a week, while also buying new plants for the house and testing a new set of watercolors I bought.

[d.manuk]

This week has been hard for me. I struggled a lot with low self confidence due to a breakout and didn't really leave the house or go to the gym. Things are starting to look up though on that front since my skin is healing from the worst of it. I'm very hard on myself when it comes to looking attractive.

 

I finished planning my Hong Kong and Taiwan trip. I leave in 2 days!

 

I've also have been exploring new hobbies since the beginning of the year that I am enjoying a lot and really fit my personality. Specifically, essential oil aromatherapy and having an indoor plant garden. Owning an essential oil nebulizer has been surprisingly positive for my life. Smelling wonderful things all the time is great! I'm happy I came across these hobbies because it gives me more options on filling my time while still being an introvert. Here is an updated list of passions from earlier in my journal. I also realized that almost all of them fit under the theme of "beauty" as opposed to the other categories I had previously. In a way, even the hobbies under imagination fit under beauty as well. I guess I really like nice looking things.

I wish some of these more niche hobbies I've been exploring had been listed in @Cam Adair's hobby ideas when I had read through them. I think they are great for introverts.

Edited March 31, 2019 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I went to the gym today and had a (semi) decent workout. It wasn't as good as the ones I was having 2 weeks ago, but for my first real time in the gym in a while it went well and I had enough energy to do the 3 big exercises. My metabolism will soon rev up after another hard workout and I'm optimistic I'll be having pretty good sessions as my appetite starts increasing to match.

I potted the peppermint plants I bought last week.

My skin is looking better than yesterday so my confidence is coming back at about 85% strength.

 

I need to define what 2019 "Release" is going to look like for me in a future entry.