d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

I'm healing but it's taking longer than it should. I have an appointment with a surgeon in 8 days to get an opinion.

I really like this song.

My skin is very clear, beef liver is great.

[d.manuk]

I’m scheduled for surgery next week, and will be getting multiple surgeries. 

[d.manuk]

It's been a week since my surgery. I only needed to get 1, as they realized it was pretty simple fix once they were inside.

I'm still healing but feeling better.

I think I'll start working out in 3 weeks or less (yoga).

In 5 weeks or less I'll start weightlifting again.

My elimination diet evolved during the past two weeks and I'm very excited. I need to do more testing before I can give an updated result though.

[d.manuk]

I think the worst of my illness is over and I'm recovering well from my surgery. Also my elimination diet is going well.

I took a short walk outside today. I'm sad I missed the end of the summer, but I'm happy that I'm healing and have a renewed positive outlook on life now that I'm healthy again.

 

[d.manuk]

I turn 30 in 8 days. I wish I were in better health for this milestone, but I’m still in a good mood and looking forward to a new chapter. 

I’ve been in a very positive mood for the past few weeks despite my circumstances.

[d.manuk]

Today is my birthday and I turn 30. I feel a bit down because I'm alone, and haven't been since I was a teenager. The surgery is further isolating me from meeting people, as I can't really date until I'm fully healed. I was fairly happy after the surgery because most of the pain went away right after and I was feeling better, but now not being fully healed is frustrating me as it could take half a year for me to be fully back to normal. It's 12:24am and no one has texted me happy birthday 🙂 Normally I wouldn't care about something like that but I'm feeling sensitive at this time.

 

I've done a few things to pare down the number of things in my apartment and I have a few more ideas I'm going to roll out over the next couple of weeks. After I finish my meetings today I'm going to go to an art store and treat myself. I'm going to buy oil painting supplies and try something completely new.

 

My birthday wish for this year is to be fully happy as much as possible.

 

Edit: Actually I saw on my Instagram that one of my friends messaged me right at 12am to say happy birthday. I started to cry when I saw it, I was so touched. Thank you Tay.

Edited October 27, 2020 by Shine Magical

[bear]

happy late birthday.  i didnt read all of ur journal post, because me brain would hurt, but its look like u come long way.

happy happy happy birthdayyy to uuu happy happy birthdayyy ohhh birthday

30 year long time.  much life more life to come

[bear]

widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy 

[d.manuk]

I ended up having a pretty good birthday, and a surprising number of people reached out to me today which I wasn't expecting. Even my grandma called me, even though I had just reached out to her last week. I bought oil paints, which I am trying out and unsure if I'll like. It's very different from watercolor. I'm going to try my best with them.

[d.manuk]

I’m starting to look a bit healthier since my surgery, I’ve been taking pictures of my face every few days for the past several months. 😆

 

I’m finding oil painting to be difficult. I sold or got rid of most of my plants. I have 4 left. I want less responsibility and less flies in my apartment.

[A New Man]

Happy belated birthday, @Shine Magical. I wish you the best, and may you fully recover as soon as possible! 

[d.manuk]

So much of the music I listened to during the past 8 years has been horrible. The injury from my surgery is healing well, I don’t need to wear a bandage on it anymore. I’ve been making big changes to my apartment and have been selling stuff I no longer use. I’ve framed some art my friends made for me a while ago.

[d.manuk]

I had sex with a really cute 21 year old even though I’m 30. I had a lot of fun and he said I looked his age haha. I liked that he said that a lot. I think we’re going to see each other more, we both seem to like each other a lot.

[d.manuk]

I finished my first oil painting. It didn’t get many likes on Instagram but my friend who it was for really liked it.

[d.manuk]

I hate myself.

I don't believe anyone.

I dislike most people.

I'm ugly and have no confidence.

I only care about myself.

I get sick easily and should have died a long time ago, I've lived past my natural life.

And yet I feel like I'm better than most people too.

I'm disgusting.

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shine Magical

[Pochatok]

Hey @Shine Magical. I know you're feeling down today; that's okay, we're all human, all imperfect. I hope you will feel better tomorrow!

I saw you post that painting and mention Instagram. I am also an artiste(haven't posted in forever but I will, promise!!), and was wondering if you could DM so I can follow you 🙂 If you feel insecure or anything, I can send you my Insta instead.

Happy belated birthday, congrats on making it so far! I turned 20 two weeks ago and it honestly feels like the end of times.

Hope you feel better soon,

Pochatok

[d.manuk]

The 2% salicylic acid I tried to incorporate into my skin routine was causing me to purge so I decided to stop using it. My skin looked great before I tried it out.

[d.manuk]

Had a date with a very cute 22 year old. I’m pulling so many young guys, I’m having a very good time lol

[d.manuk]

I have a 23 year old coming over for a date in an hour. I currently have a thing for young guys, I think it’s because I finally have my own place and guys that age never do so I never really dated anyone in that age range before. 
It’s fun and since I don’t look or act like I’m 30. In some ways I relate to them more than the guys I normally go for. I don’t have my feelings sorted out on the age difference though, I prefer to be the younger one and be the one that’s taken care of and that dynamic isn’t fully possible with someone that has less life experience. So I’m mostly having fun and seeing if I could have a serious relationship with someone like that. In some ways it could work because I could try to give them the relationship I never got. But I don’t really want to be in that role.

Edited November 30, 2020 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

I’m significantly less depressed than I was one year ago. 

[d.manuk]

I’ve been enjoying listening to dark techno lately. I had a good painting session with friends on Discord yesterday.

 

[Icandothis]

Happy very belated birthday!

 

Your paintings are absolutely beautiful. Keep going. Sending love and joy to you today!

[d.manuk]

Feeling pretty good. Next few days will be busy at work. I went to the gym yesterday.

 

https://open.spotify.com/track/5lvLiD5JeZuYdY1qIdrv5P?si=ZKsyO38SS9yW4fKe1aGr7Q

[d.manuk]

I've been going to the gym every other day for about 2 months now and my body looks pretty good. I'm still not very happy with how I look but there's no way to rush the process.

I took down a lot of my old artwork in my apartment and I'm ready to create some new stuff.

I've had some good sex the past few weeks.

I've been discovering some good music.

I negotiated my salary, compared to my old job I'm making $20k more.

I went to the dentist and have to get some old fillings replaced which makes me nervous.

I still want to get rid of 10% of my current possessions but it's a slow process.

[d.manuk]

My life is so much better in so many ways than it was in September.

I think I'm the most content I've ever been in my life. I feel like I'm slowly healing myself, physically and mentally.

It's always a good idea to look back on some older journal entries. I'm happy I've kept this journal active. 

 

Here is an update on my elimination diet. It has way more information than anyone other than me needs to know but this is my journal and I want to document it haha. I'm happy I found a carb that works for me and will try more. It seems that anything high in fat is just not agreeable with me. It limits my cooking a lot and explains why I was reacting so poorly in my past relationship, where we mostly ate out at restaurants which is always high in fat. I just grill my meats now, I don't use any kind of oil or fat when cooking. I always knew I wanted to take more control of my diet but was never really forced to since I was being offered free gourmet food all the time...

Only in a situation like this where I'm in full control for 100% of my meals am I able to get real answers to my questions about my body. I'm not going to date anyone until I have this fully sorted out!!

I went on my first real date a few weeks ago since my breakup 1+ year ago. I didn't enjoy it, and I'm not looking to rush into anything. The date took place in a coffee shop and I thought it was really boring. After 20 minutes I was ready to do something else, I hate sitting around and just talking doing nothing. The other 40 minutes were painful and it was really apparent to him by the end that I didn't have a good time. Since it was really cold there wasn't really anything to do though, and COVID has all the movie theaters and other things shut down. I don't think I'm going to try dating again until the end of this year... there are so many other things I'm excited to do on my own and I'm trying to make the most of this precious lockdown opportunity.

The weather has been warming up and it's been making me excited. The sun has moved quite a bit in the past few months and now when the sun is setting my apartment is filled with light. My plants are going to grow so much this year. I'm excited to go hiking a lot in the summer.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Shine Magical