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Simon E

A life without gaming

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Day 56: Today was the complete polar opposite of yesterday. How can two chunks of time play out so differently, with me still being the same person? I'm honestly curious. Is it because chemical shifts in our brain, or because of a few either positive or negative thoughts compunded? Is it mere coincidence?

I pretty much woke up with a grin on my lips, and that determined my day.

I have now written the prologue to my novel, and I'm actually happy with how it turned out. Look at that - for once I didn't consider my writing to be absolute shit. Only a couple hundred more pages to go... :^) That prospect doesn't scare me though. I caught myself last night being excited about the (long... And daunting) journey ahead of me, and again there's these fleeting pictures in my mind. Fragments of dreams, pieces of a possible future. 

Recieving the confirming letter from a publishing company. Seeing your book out there, together with all the others. Having people that truly want to read what you've written. 

I'm slightly closer to that goal than I was yesterday. Rinse and repeat.

Also, I'm immensely grateful to whoever invented juggling. (Probably didn't take a genius when I think of it, but still). I can't stress enough how refreshing it is to walk away from the writing at times, and simply juggle. The contrast between the two activities is striking. From essentially being in the situation of a god, with the responsibility of one, you now have one goal; throw balls in the air and catch them again. It's so mindless, but addicting and peaceful at the same time. 

Pick up juggling people, and watch your lives improve. :^)

Today wasn't even all that productive if I disregard the many words written, but still, it felt damn good. It would feel even better if I understood why it was this way, but I guess I shouldn't fret about that. Just smile and wave boys. 

Time for some quality time with my favorite acquiantance. (Yes, I'm going to bed). G'night people.

 

We have the rest of our lives

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Day 57: Mixed feelings about today. The writing-depression got to me for a few hours in the morning (you know the type, "My writing sucks, wää, wää, Im so miserable, wää"), but it eventually passed, and now I'm okay again. 

I really need to shut those voices out. (Yeah, I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't stick). No judgment, no thoughts about how I'm never going to suceed. 

Blah blah blah.

Went to the gym for the second time this weekend, and it felt good. I've prioritized the martial arts over gym sessions lately, but they do wonders for my mood, so I should make more time for them.

@Cam Adair Yeah, I really did. My subconscious must've taken your words to (it's nonexistent) heart.

@Reno F lmao. No comment.

That's it. School early tomorrow, so I'd better close my eyes for a while - after I've finished the latest chapter. (Rip sleep).

Oh well. Night everyone. 

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  • You're not miserable
  • You're able to shut these voices up
  • You have the whole community that stands on your sides each time you're vanquishing these voices

So just go and Fuck'em up!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Day 58: 

  • You're not miserable
  • You're able to shut these voices up
  • You have the whole community that stands on your sides each time you're vanquishing these voices

So just go and Fuck'em up!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Much appreciated words. Much needed words. Thank you.

I'm going to make a promise, a vow, to myself. And not just in regards to my writing.

Whatever I do, I will think positively about it. Whatever goal I have, I will picture myself achieving it. Whatever the aspect of my life, I will let my thoughts lift me up, not drag me down.

When I write, I will write with courage. Freely. Without doubt. I will write because I love it. Because I have stories worth telling. 

That's it. 

If you're going to think, why not think big?

Only the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who will

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Day 57: Mixed feelings about today. The writing-depression got to me for a few hours in the morning (you know the type, "My writing sucks, wää, wää, Im so miserable, wää"), but it eventually passed, and now I'm okay again. 

I really need to shut those voices out. (Yeah, I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't stick). No judgment, no thoughts about how I'm never going to suceed. 

I have those self-talk tapes running sometimes.

Here's how my "tapes" sound like: "you are not tall enough", "you are not competent enough at work", "you are not popular enough". You're not alone. 

Now here's a sick quote from that Daring Greatly book:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Teddy Roosevelt

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

xD I'm a loser I know ahhaha. Much love bro, keep writing! 

 


T

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Day 59:

@hycniejsy Will do!

@Tatu92 Tapes like that suck! I rate them 0/10. There's higher quality-stuff to listen to; we should change tapes.

Also, I love quotes really badly. I love good quotes even more. The one you shared is awesome. There's real power in the words, you know? It makes failure sound terribly exciting; it makes you wanna go out there and beat your head bloody against the wall of challenge, and not stop until either one breaks. 

Fuck yeah! Ima go do the deeds people! *manly roar*

 

...Actually, I'm not finished journaling yet. And the only deeds tonight will happen inside my own fictional universe. Does that count?

Wrote 1100+ words today, on my first draft. I'm writing a book, people. It's happening! (I may or may not have skipped school today though... Don't look at me like that! You should've seen the weather, man. Or woman. And it's not like we do anything important in school.)

I think this positive mindset-thing is working. It's not that I've completely changed the way I think, it's simply that, when I catch myself frustrated about something, I make a point of seeing myself suceed in the future, even if I have no idea of how I'll get there. It feels better... I think. It's something I will keep exploring.

Having a somewhat big guitar-concert tomorrow (big is a very relative word), and I'm both hyped and anxious. Should spend some time tonight in a corner visualizing my sucess.

Alright, that'll be it for tonight.

(Take two: Ready, set, go!)

Fuck yeah! Ima go do the deeds people! *manly roar fading into the distance*

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Day 60: Wohoo, two thirds of the detox completed. Seems like I've actually got this shit. Who would've thought?

I think I experienced a craving earlier today. It's been so long since the last one I've forgotten how they feel. There was this sinking feeling in the stomach, and a sudden burst of energy; my body telling me to run to my computer. It wasn't strong though, and I didn't follow up on it, of course. It served as a timely reminder that the danger hasn't passed yet. Will we ever be free from the threat of cravings?

Maybe not, but that's not negative. We carry our scars with us, reminders of the struggle we went through. (Sounding overly dramatic, but hey, thats my thing. If you don't like it, the door's over there.)

Had the concert a few hours ago, and it went well, I suppose. I'm sad that I didn't begin playing guitar at a younger age, but whatever. I'm only 18, so I guess I still have time.

Still writing and thinking about the novel. I mean, I have a solid story, but it feels like there's something lacking. Depth. Twists. Hmmm. I'll have to brainstorm.

(And are there any better music than this for coming up with those deliciously dark ideas? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=91i7tXtB0fk )

Also, thank you @Piotr and @hycniejsy. How many words do you aim for every day? And what do you write?

That'll be it for me today. 

 

If you're not with me, then you are my enemy

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Day 60: Wohoo, two thirds of the detox completed. Seems like I've actually got this shit. Who would've thought?

I think I experienced a craving earlier today. It's been so long since the last one I've forgotten how they feel. There was this sinking feeling in the stomach, and a sudden burst of energy; my body telling me to run to my computer. It wasn't strong though, and I didn't follow up on it, of course. It served as a timely reminder that the danger hasn't passed yet. Will we ever be free from the threat of cravings?

Once in a blue moon I'll think "It'd be fun to play so and so again". It usually comes from the nostalgia of the atmosphere, immersion, or being awesome in a game. So sometimes I'll substitute those desires. Might listen to epic music, or read a fantasy novel with OP MCs. Other times it just goes away because it's more an idle thought than a craving.

Don't know if they'll go away, but it definitely gets easier, I dare to even say straight up easy.

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Day 61: Thanks for your inputs, everyone.

@gloriousclover Yeah, I am at that point now; it's easy. The devil knows it hasn't been that way before - cravings were my biggest enemy. But given time, they fade away, become powerless.

@Cam Adair Yep, time to double down. Not sure how to do that with creative activities though... (Which is basically all I do)

About that. Being a creator hurts. I'm beginning to think that suffering is an inseperable part of every creative field out there. You cannot produce something out of nothing without risking pain; what if people won't like what I've created? What if I don't like what I create?

There's also the pain of not knowing; what is the right way of doing things? How do you uncover everything inside of you? Sometimes it feels like your mind is working against you. If you depend on a creative activity for your living, you need to produce stuff. Suddenly, there's a hint of hurry, of extra pressure, in the equation.

I like playing guitar, and drawing. I love writing. But is the pain worth it? Constantly thinking, doubting. Constantly having to create. Will I be able to handle that all my life? Perhaps it gets easier. 

I really need to take a step back and consider these things. The simplicity of a normal job, the peace of mind that comes with it, does have a certain amount of attraction. You do your thing for a x hours, get paid and then go home. You leave everything work-related behind you. This won't work if I wanna become a writer. 

On the other hand, will I manage to stay sane when working as something normal? Not being able to pour my soul out, create amazing things.

Maybe it is worth the risk. Maybe I should embrace the suffering. I don't know. I'll have to think about this. 

If you have any insights, let me know. That's it for me today. Kinda low, probably because of too little sleep, and to much time writing/fretting over the story. (I need some distance from the writing, but that wish is paradoxical, since writing needs to come from my very core, and there's no way of distancing yourself from yourself. Right? Abort mission. I'll stop confusing myself.)

Night.

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Hey Simon,

To me it sounds like you want certainty. It also sounds like you've been giving it a lot of thought, and considering both sides. 
I like how you are able to share your inner-thoughts like that. I'm the same way. It's easy to appreciate where you are coming from, both are plausible options. 
Best of luck dude!

 

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I don't know if a job in our present time will work like this. Actually a peaceful Job where I can sit my time and earn my Money wihtout bug effort was for a Long tiem a Goal for me. But I asked myself if I really want to spend half of every day at a place where thigns are just ok. And my answer is no. I still search a regular Job but I Focus on improving myself day for day. Be the best I can eb at the Job. Learning new skills and moving on to smth more intelectual demanding if I get bored at a Job. I think in a way you struggle always at any Point in life or else you would stagnate. So my Point is if you take a normal Job you will struggle to (but maybe in a lesser intensity).

Also MarkManson worte a nice article whcih could help you: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose

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Day 62: 

@Tatu92 Maybe certainty is what I want. If that is the case, I'm doomed, because life is inherently uncertain. Also, you're right that these thoughts are important to me, but they are nowhere close to my deepest, darkest thoughts; those I censor by straict law (we all do, probably). Thanks for your input!

@WorkInProgress I actually read that article a couple years ago, just as it had been published, but thanks to you I read it again this morning. It's tremendously helpful, and Mark made me certain of what I thought about pain/suffering; it's inevitable, and so I'll have to choose how I want to suffer. 

Maybe the idea of a job offering me complete peace of mind is naive. If we, however, suppose it isn't, I think I wouldn't want something like that. We come alive through hardships - when challenged we grow.

So I'll stick to writing for now, embracing the struggle, but trying not to add to it. There's no need to make it harder; there's no need to be your own enemy (which I am, sometimes). 

Today's been a good day. Got shit done in school, got shit done when I got home. I like getting shit done. 

That'll be it. I need to sleep now so I can get more shit done tomorrow :D 

 

The assumption of time is one of humanity's greatest follies. We tell ourselves that there is always tomorrow when we can no more predict tomorrow than we can the weather. Procrastination is the thief of dreams.

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So I'll stick to writing for now, embracing the struggle, but trying not to add to it. There's no need to make it harder; there's no need to be your own enemy (which I am, sometimes). 

Yep!

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Day 63: Not sure if I should call this day a failure or sucess.

I was supposed to study today, but that shit sure as hell didn't happen. Instead, I've been reading (100 pages) and writing (2000+ words). Quite the literary achivement, eh? Most of those words weren't actually on the first draft though; I'm rereading "On Writing" by Stephen King, and he stresses that writing should be spontaneous - inspired play. And so, I had to move away from my strictly planned, precious novel for a while and just write. To be honest, the result was, not exactly better, but truer than what I've written on the novel. It felt more like it came straight from my heart, not ruined or deformed by planning or plot.

Like I simply played around, not knowing at all what I would write until after. I want that feel for my novel aswell, so I'll attempt to be less strict and more playful when writing that too. 

Ofcourse, when I write like that, the result might be a complete mess, or a dead end. That's a downside. Maybe I should come up with some sort of compromise that includes both plotting and playing, so that the journey will be true, but still end in a predestined place. 

I apologize (not really) for the writer-talk. This is more a way of organizing - and understanding - my own thoughts than it is a journal. But wait, isn't that the exact purpose of a journal? Hmm

(You get my point.)

That'll be it for today. Thanks for existing guys. I mean it.

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Day 64: Another day in the life of me. 

Today I actually got some studying done, but not as much as I wanted to. Being human means being inefficient. Does it have to be like that? Maybe we should learn from the machines, instead of fearing the day they will take our place. 

Finished reading the book I started yesterday evening, a good 340 pages. Excellent book. It's been a while since I got my hands on a good, swedish book; I've only been either reading in English or rereading swedish books I know are worth the time. This one reminded me of how much I love reading, and coming across new, exciting stuff. 

 

Is it possible for an individual to change the world, on a global scale? To answer this question one might point to Gandhi, or Mandela, or Martin Luther King Jr. But the world is different now, isn't it?

I think that we all are able to, or rather, that we all have the potential of being able to change the world. But to do this one must sacrifice everything. Only those who are willing to sacrifice everything can achieve anything. One must decide to never give up. (these words have been used so often that they've lost their meaning, but stop for a moment to consider what that really means. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen to you, and consider what it would take to not give up).

Most people are not willing to sacrifice everything; barely anything, in fact. People want to be fit and slim without exercising or quitting the junk food. People freely stay in the prison that is tradition, social laws, government laws, public acceptance. They look down upon the young, burning people with ambitions and dreams and call them naive.

It's better to be naive than to have given up, people.

Is it wrong of me to be angry at all the people who are content with living their small lives, never raising their voices against the crowd, never taking responsibility, never actually believing in themselves?  

I want to belive I am able to change the world, but I can't be sure. (The dicussion of whether or not there's any point to trying is another one completely.)

This whole paragraph comes off as pretentious and silly, because you cannot translate abstract thoughts into words any more than you can fit a box into a circle-shaped hole. Or any more than you can make a fish climb a tree. 

Still, I had to write it. The words are merely a blurred reflections of my thoughts and feelings, but that's better than nothing at all. An attempt of understanding my anger, my sadness. 

Fuck this. I'm going to do something - not just dream and talk, but actually do. I'll dare greatly, and fail greatly if that has to be the case. 

I finish this incoherent rant by stealing @Laney s thing:

I will recklessly abandon all insecurities and expose my true self to the world. 

I will become immune to the impact of your opinion and stand naked in a crowd of ideas; 

Comfortable in knowing that while you married the mundane

I explored the exceptional.

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Ofcourse, when I write like that, the result might be a complete mess, or a dead end. That's a downside. Maybe I should come up with some sort of compromise that includes both plotting and playing, so that the journey will be true, but still end in a predestined place. 

 

In the spirit of nanowrimo this is always a thing that comes up.  This year I took the approach of planning the overall skeleton of it - I have four or five major plot points or "set pieces" that sort of frame my story - and leaving the rest to the Muse.  Let me tell you, it's scary going beyond the end of the outline.  And yet, it's also weirdly liberating.  Like, the chapter immediately after the end of that spot has a ton of character development that just sort of happened - I didn't even think about it before that writing session!  Give it a try!  It might take you a bit to find that source of inspiration and get rolling again, but it will come!

 

Is it possible for an individual to change the world, on a global scale? To answer this question one might point to Gandhi, or Mandela, or Martin Luther King Jr. But the world is different now, isn't it?

I think that we all are able to, or rather, that we all have the potential of being able to change the world. But to do this one must sacrifice everything. Only those who are willing to sacrifice everything can achieve anything. One must decide to never give up. (these words have been used so often that they've lost their meaning, but stop for a moment to consider what that really means. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen to you, and consider what it would take to not give up).

Most people are not willing to sacrifice everything; barely anything, in fact. People want to be fit and slim without exercising or quitting the junk food. People freely stay in the prison that is tradition, social laws, government laws, public acceptance. They look down upon the young, burning people with ambitions and dreams and call them naive.

It's better to be naive than to have given up, people.

Is it wrong of me to be angry at all the people who are content with living their small lives, never raising their voices against the crowd, never taking responsibility, never actually believing in themselves?  

I want to belive I am able to change the world, but I can't be sure. (The dicussion of whether or not there's any point to trying is another one completely.)

This whole paragraph comes off as pretentious and silly, because you cannot translate abstract thoughts into words any more than you can fit a box into a circle-shaped hole. Or any more than you can make a fish climb a tree. 

Still, I had to write it. The words are merely a blurred reflections of my thoughts and feelings, but that's better than nothing at all. An attempt of understanding my anger, my sadness. 

Fuck this. I'm going to do something - not just dream and talk, but actually do. I'll dare greatly, and fail greatly if that has to be the case. 

 

This is where I might write an essay on how things have gone in the US over the last couple weeks and my thoughts on the matter, but this is neither the time nor the place so I'll spare ya ;P  This idea of all of us being able to change the world, though... this is something that I've been pushing heavily since then.  There's never been a better time to give it a shot!  For me, that means building something - whether it be contributing to some open source project that I believe in, coding my own thing that might one day make a difference, or just teaching friends and family how to be secure online (the area I'm training to work in, to put it shortly).

 

What will you build?  It may take time to discover it, but it's there - it's what makes us human.

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