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Everything posted by Tatu92

  1. Day 86 (continued from relapse of day 85)... Will do additional 90 days after: What I did: smoked weed last night, and played games. woke up around 2 pm.spoke to someone from a local hospital I was applying to, and I got an interview for Wednesday (working that day, so I'll call in sick).got a haircut to prepare for the interview.volleyball at 10 pm. x 4 games. Won 2 Lost 2.What I am grateful for: Winning two games tonight. And finally feeling that my group has settled down, and am starting to feel that we are a closer team.Although I relapsed... I'm trying to figure out why. I mean, I think I know. And it's hard to accept. But, I wanted to game. I wanted to take my head off of everything, to check out - get high and be in a virtual world where I can achieve things easier? My brother got accepted into university. Happy for him._____________________________________ Here's the thing. I'm planning to game again tonight. I'm being honest here. I know it's gonna happen. And I'm gonna smoke weed. I know that's gonna happen too. But... tonight will be the last night. In the very least, I am reporting about it. I can't say that it's an admirable thing... but it's better than not journaling here. T
  2. For a week and a half since day 85 I relapsed into gaming/smoking weed. Initially it was a state of mind where I was craving gaming. I could have said no at the time. But once I dipped, I plunged. I couldn't help myself from going back to something that felt good at the time. I know it's not good for me. I know that it's a waste of my time, instead of investing it. In fact, it put me from feeling good, to feeling bad about myself within that time frame of 1.5 weeks. During which, I spent most of the time at home - isolated, because I didn't want other people to get in the way of me and my "next session". That 85 day effort, my dad told me, was beautiful - although he knew that I was going to relapse again one day. We talked about it. I'm grateful that he's always been there when I've felt depressed and on my binge. I would be in a much shittier place if it wasn't for my parents. I'm working until Sunday. But coming Monday, I'll re-start journaling. I've decided to start on day 85 on Monday, finish until 90. Then do another 90 days detox. I'll stay journaling here until then.
  3. Talk about blue balls... I relapsed on day 85
  4. Day 83: What I did: woke up from night shift. had dinner with family outsideabout to go do another night shiftWhat Im grateful for: eating out with my familyI bought a book about reading ECGI have one more shift until break ___________________________ T
  5. oh yeah, it's a CPR course. It's a common certification, that most hospital units require from a nurse. It stands for Advanced Cardiopulmonary Life Support. It's definitely not a common term. It's not as common as "CPR". But it's basically that, but more advanced.
  6. day 82: about to go do a night shift. gonna just post up real quick before I sleep. What I did: studying for 2 hours.got jumper cables helped my dad fix the house's electricity circuitryWhat I'm grateful for: having everything I need to upgrade my knowledge/skills readily available. learning that this ACLS course will take a while to prepare for. It's a little intimidating, but if I want to do it right I guess I can't rush it. That's a growing opportunity.work being easier once you get the first day over withT
  7. Day 81: Just a quick post. Updating, still working before I go to sleep... What I did: 12 hour day shift.just got back home... ate, showered. back to studying... What I'm grateful for: I can appreciate the continuous work. It never ends. And right now I feel okay with that. I had a nice coupon meal at burger king this morningMy mom cooked some awesome Filipino food when I got home._______________________________________________________ Today was a decent day. It was busy, but it wasn't ridiculous. I'm gonna be back to work tomorrow. Still studing now... see ya! T
  8. Day 80: What I did: 1.5 hr ACLS course = 1 chapter.Hot yoga 1 hourate out and now relaxing/winding down for work.What I'm grateful for: Hot yoga today, since I haven't gone for almost a week.I am grateful for my morning today was great. I had a lot of momentum from last night.I'm grateful for having time off before going back to work. T
  9. Day 79: Nice day today! What I did: 2 chapters of the ACLS course book.45 minutes of volleyball drillsspent maybe 1-2 hours thinking about my goals, reflecting on the Beyond notes that I took. Something about sitting down for long periods and writing out my goals that ** I find really hard to dovisited one of our Beyond members in downtown Toronto for a hang-out, had a real good time.What I'm grateful for: Right off the bat, I am really grateful for meeting one of our Beyond members. Great person! I'm grateful for the Korean food, ice-cream, and good weather that lasted until the end of the hang-out!Driving downtown. I love a challenge. _______________________________________________ Just gonna chill out for the rest of the night. I enjoyed my night. Lots to think about, especially in relation to where I want to focus on my personal development. Just retelling my broken wrist story to our Beyond Member today. I still can't believe I drove myself home with a broken wrist. I'm not sure why I didn't call for help. But looking back, that was an amazing feat ahhaahahaha. I wouldn't do it again though. T
  10. Hopefully your anxiety passes. Glad to see your friends were able to cheer you up a little bit
  11. Day 78: Thanks for the encouragement guys! Today was a lot less caffeine. Only 2 cups of coffee, and one energy bar. But I got most of it done! What I did today: 2 hours studying ACLS = 1 chapter.2 hours practicing volleyball overhand serves and digging. I met a possible mentor there, he coached me a bit, I got his number.1 hour gym time with my volleyball friend.laundry3 hours studying ACLS = 1 chapter.updated budget sheet for last month up to present date! finishing it up with reviewing some volleyball rules, regulations.What I am grateful for: I read Cam giving advice to one of the Beyond guys. He mentioned something about not letting yourself off the hook, and to finish what you set out to do. That's what I've been working on the last 2 days! I appreciate that practical wisdom.Meeting the experienced guy at the volleyball court today. I was practicing drills alone to improve like my team, and he took the time to show me some tips and advice on rules and regulations. I got his number and figured out when he comes so we can practice.My gym session with volleyball friend. It was a pleasant bonding experience. I tried to make it less about "me" and to think about his perspective a little more. Still need some work on it, but getting better._______________________________________________________ Overall a very productive day. I'm glad I got some solid practice in today at the volleyball court. Too bad they only have drop ins start from 5-7 pm. My sister cancelled on hot yoga tomorrow. I've been pretty sore from all this activity. And my evening is booked for that dinner with one of the Beyond guys. I think tomorrow I'll focus on hammering another 2 ACLS chapters. I'll also work on learning more about volleyball rules/regulations. And fleshing out my goals? I'm subconsciously working towards volleyball, because that's what is making me feel excited and alive... Alright here's the plan tomorrow: - 2 chapters of ACLS - learn more about volleyball rules and regulations, and plays/positioning. - flesh out my goals? I need to find a way to solidify my goals, although most of my goals are created on a whim. I don't particularly know what I want 5 years from now. And maybe that's an issue... So I just need to establish longer-term goals? ... I'll spend some time on this tomorrow. - possible yoga **depending on if I am not feeling too tired, and if I have enough free time in the morning because the chapters in this course are getting longer... taking around 4 hours to do 2 chapters somewhat thoroughly*** - dinner with the Beyond member. T
  12. Day 77: I really stretched myself today. I worked hard to do the things I said I would yesterday. What I did: Studied 1 hour = 1 chapter of ACLS course.Went to the gym and worked out for 1 hour approximately.Volleyball from 5-7 pm.Volleyball with my NEW TEAM! from 8-10 pm.Studied 1.5 hours = another chapter of ACLS course.Did the Beyond Assignments.What I am grateful for: I took a bunch of energy drinks/bars. But I finally got all that stuff done!!! WOHOO! The last bit of work regarding the ACLS review was a tad bit skimmed. Meaning I could have been more thorough, but it's 1:30 am right now and I'm friggin tired. I did like 4 hours of volleyball and I went to gym earlier too.I am so glad I did not join that volleyball team with the bad leader. This new team is GREAT! It's filled with people that I think are "out of my league", and they are all very good volleyball players - just that much better that it gives me a goal to work towards and a new standard to live up to. In addition, they are very welcoming. The leader here seems to be this one girl, and everyone looks to her. She's not that good as the others at volleyball, but her vibe is that of a leader. But she's welcoming of me, the newest member there.I'm happy I built this momentum._____________________________________________________ Good day. Lots of working out. Lots of volleyball. New people. New environment. The plan tomorrow: 1. review the next 2 chapters of ACLS course. (study in the library maybe or coffee shop?) 2. fill my budget sheet from last month, and update this month's. 3. learn about volleyball rules and regulations. Look up why the setter doesn't have to be in the middle front row. Look up *6 back or 6 front play, and what that means. 4. I'm supposed to go gym with my volleyball buddy. T
  13. Thanks for sharing your journey! I totally get you when you talk about the cycle. How we've taken our attention from life and placed it into gaming. Then, we realize our life still sucks, so we game to escape that reality. I described a similar situation when I first detoxed. Best of luck to you man! I'm sure your life will turn out way better with this decision to detox.
  14. Welcome to the journaling sub-forum Ant! I like how you explained gaming was "take it or leave it" in the beginning. Then it took over a part of your life. I've been on here for a while, but I love to read other people's experiences. We all share very similar experiences. And each stage of the process shares similar struggles. How you said "take it or leave it" is how I now feel about gaming, but there's always an allure even after not playing for 70 something days. I wish you the best in your journey! You can count on us here at the forum, whenever you feel down.
  15. I hope you enjoy your school term this time around! It's definitely a struggle to start when there's some resistance to doing work. I can certainly relate. Best of luck to you! I'll be checking in.
  16. Oh boy your birthday! That's exciting dude! I hope you enjoy your day tomorrow. Thanks for checking in on my journal as well, I appreciate it. Glad to hear you had a good time with your friend today
  17. Thanks so much for the encouragement guys. It's almost 90 days yeah! I never drink, but I'll have a little bit to drink that day. Day 76: What I did: Beyond Call with the group.Set up a few meeting days with some people (the volleyball friend, a friend at beyond).Studied 1 hour of the ACLS course.Went to archery dodgeball with my best friend.Studied 1 hour of ACLS course again.What I am grateful for: The highs and lows. The ups and downs. The lulls and activities... right now it's the times with a lot of activity socially, internally, etc... I love the momentum it gives.Having tried archery dodgeball. I put a lot of thought into how I was gonna show up for my friend today. I bought him a scone. I picked him up because it was cold outside (-10 degrees, -20 with windchill). I drove him home. Just wanted to take care of him today, no strings attached.I could have studied harder today... but I'll give myself credit for hammering the ideas I went over today. I think I did a decent job. A 6.5/10 on the effort scale. _________________________________________________________________ Overall not a bad day. I could have saved some money by not buying starbucks, which was about $10. Let's see... tomorrow is another day and I aim to go to volleyball at night... other than that, there should be no reason for me to spend any more. My best friend is also moving away temporarily so I'll see him a bit less. I was a little sad to hear that. He's a great person. One of the few that I think are a good example to follow. But, I'll get over it. It just means that there's new opportunities to be had these coming months. New friendships to build. Tomorrow I aim to: - finish the Beyond Assignments - go to the gym - finish 1-2 chapters of the ACLS course. - go to volleyball at night. (possible ideas when it gets boring include: a walk outside to the park, laundry, listening to "mindset" by carol dweck). T ... let's see if I do any of those things tomorrow lol.
  18. hey fellow Canadian! the weather's been freezing lately. But I hear it's gonna look better by the end of the week. Keep up the good work Steve!
  19. Day 75: Did quite a bit today... More relaxing time with friends and family. What I did: Studied 1 hour of ACLS CPR course.chilled with my brother and sister at the mall.chilled with one of my close buddies for the afternoon.met up with the new friend I met from volleyball to his birthday dinner, and met a lot of new people. got 2 new people's phone number. one of them is going to the volleyball meet I am going to tomorrow.What I am grateful for: seeing a few of the new friend's friends, and learning they are hardcore gamers and made me glad I quit gaming. Although I tried to look at their positives, like they are nice people. But overall, they are around 30, disheveled, awkward. I can get along with them, but it just strengthened my resolve to quit gaming for good. I met this one guy today who had to go through cancer. I learned he fought it and "won", as far as we know so far. Really proud of him. I studied quite a bit today._________________________________________________________ Today wasn't a bad day. I had to make a call between staying in, or reaching out to my friends and family to have some social time. I decided to have some social time before going to that new friend's birthday party, just so I get some "warm-up" time before meeting the new people. I was glad I spent some time with my sister and brother, they are always really good influences on me. They work hard on school, social life, and work. They are great examples in life, and we feed into each other's successes, also give each other support and feedback. When I chilled with one of my old buddies today, it was a good time. Although he is still doing the same old things. He smokes weed, goes to the gym, work, and recently bought a laptop and plays league of legends when he is at home doing nothing. I am a bit disappointed. I was a bit tempted to just "give up" the whole resisting gaming idea, but clearly that's a dumb idea, if I want to focus on improving my life. When I finally showed up to that birthday dinner, I met some awkward man-boy gamers and some "normal" people. I did my best to get along with all of them. I got to know the gamers and they had some attractive traits, which was good to know. Some of them were very caring. Some were energetic and social, although awkwardly so. It just made me think. At this point this experience just strengthened my resolve to focus on improving my life and dropping gaming from it permanently. Ultimately today I spent a little more than I wanted to. Approximately $120 on entertainment/foods. That's a little much for one day. This coming week is gonna be more about me controlling my spending, more working, and fleshing out my goals for the upcoming months. ________________________________________________________ Tomorrow I'll be joining the BEYOND call. Then I'll work out, and work on studying the ACLS course some more, and then going to meet my best friend to watch some movies. Although I don't want to spend money. I might just ask him to come do something for free... like get tea or go to a museum or some shit. T
  20. Day 74: Today was a good mood day. What I did: Woke up at 4 pm from my night shift.Recieved my ACLS training manual. Studied for 1.5 hours.Went out for a night drive to clear my head. Texted some of my buddies to see what they were up to.Made plans for the weekend. What I am grateful for: My volleyball buddy inviting me to his birthday.Deciding not to buy for funMy best friend's first day in owning a part of a bussiness. Recieving my training manual so early! And getting down to studying right away.___________________________________________________________________ Just a good day. T
  21. Day 73 @Cam Adair - Thanks for your advice Cam. I decided to share that with the FB group. What I did today: got my car fixed, replaced the starter (pretty costly :(...)got my new pair of glasses, which only took less than a week.Dinner with family and family friends.1 hour hot yoga.15-20 mins of nursing review.going to a night shift.What I am grateful for: getting my car repaired, despite the cost... I can drive feeling safemy new glasses are bomb.the kids staying over have gone. Their dad is doing well now, and has recovered. It's gotten quiet around here, I will miss them.____________________________________________________________________ Today I tried my best to be compassionate and understanding towards the family friend that was staying over. In the least, I didn't spend much energy on thinking too much about him and his habits. I kept myself busy today. I am about to go to do a night shift. All I am thinking about right now is, "how can I achieve my goals in 2017?"... I'll think about it more tomorrow. But lately my dreams have taken a bit of a back seat to practical goals involving work and day to day things. I'll flesh out my goals tomorrow. T
  22. Day 72: @Cam Adair, and @WorkInProgress - Thanks man. That's a fair take on it. I reflected a bit on what you said. When I was getting the "cravings" I just wanted to feel good emotions. Maybe a bit of relaxation, and excitement - not gaming necessarily. Gaming was just the automatic-shallow response to the subconscious question "how can I feel better?". Once I got my head cleared up, and thought about it, gaming is pretty boring. What I wanted is more out of life. What I did: Early morning 1 hour hot yoga.Ate some sushi at my favourite spotSpent some time taking care of my family friends staying over.Cleaned my room, did my laundry.Booked my first volleyball game coming this Monday, playing with a new team that's more experienced (I'm actually scared)Started inquiring about ACLS courses - and bought the course book (so I can qualify for the more specialized nursing jobs, and also enhance my skills/knowledge)What I'm grateful for: I'm glad I took notes on the Beyond Calls. I looked back through them, and the first thing I read was "how you do one thing, is how you do everything". That was never really completely clear to me. So I searched up some more clarification online. Then it made more sense. For me it means, the energy/quality of how I do my current task will most likely be how I do the next task I do. Therefore, in everything I do the common denominator is myself. It's about stepping up.I'm glad I bought that ACLS book. It's a solid step in taking this course. I'll make it happen. It's expensive. And I have to pass the test to get certified. But it's something fun to do while also advancing my career.I made dinner for this little girl, a family friend. I gave love today .__________________________________________________________________________ My family decided to house a few family friends over. Their dad is in the hospital right now. Most of our time is spent taking care of the kids. I myself keep to myself and do my own thing, until night time. Then I take care of making dinner for the little girl. It feels nice. If anything, that's one thing I'm happy about. While also bitter about, because the brother of the little girl is such a bad example for her. I see so much of my old self in him. He sleeps until 4 pm, playing video games 16 hours a day. I feel enraged when I see him not helping out in the house. He's just here to eat, sleep, and play video games. Maybe he is going through so much emotional turmoil from his dad being in the hospital. The sad part is, not too long ago, that was the same behaviours I had. Even worse, because of the smoking pot. Man... I'm still such a loser. I hate how I hate how that brother is being. I hate myself for hating him. God... T
  23. @Pierce I always appreciate the effort you put in describing your inner process. I can relate to what you're describing. You describe it well.
  24. Day 71: @WorkInProgress - Thanks for checking in Mario. I hope you are doing well. This first day off was good. I had a chance to meet with a friend of mine, after a month of not seeing him. What I did today: woke up and had sushi with my friendwe watched a movie (Assassin's Creed).Bough a book on nursing advice.1 hour of studying nursing related informationWhat I'm grateful for: chilling with my friend today was great R&R.Seeing Assassin's Creed the movie.spending a good amount of time studying what I needed clarification on from my recent time at work. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I've been craving gaming lately. As I've mentioned before. I haven't given up yet. But this time the cravings are starting to fall into the category that "maybe gaming might be in my best interest, since nothing else is fun right now". Unfortunately, that's a mind-set that I'm all too familiar with. I suppose time changes all things. I have times when I identify hard work and perseverance as the "right thing to do", and other times my mind is convinced that "taking it easy" is the best thing to do. Maybe I've lost touch with what I really want out of life. Anyway, tomorrow I've got to go work out and do yoga. I want to constantly be active and exercise, since that's one thing I still have a good grip on, and hold in a strong convicted sense, that it is a positive thing to do. I'll get back to basics - back to working out. back to hard work. T