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Rick Boon

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About Rick Boon

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  1. Alright, i'm still on track. But i have had trouble posting here. I need to arrange my mind, because everytime i start a post, i somewhere in the middle of it stop writing, because i don't know how to proceed. What i want to do right today is; exercise. I have had some already, and this evening i will finish with calisthenics.
  2. Chiliflavor thanks for that screaming suggestion, i find it awesome and it's right up my alley! Will incorporate it. Today is a so-so day for now. I have been thinking about how my dating adventure ended (short-lived), and how i could tackle the questions and doubts i get about myself when i venture that way. I want to make a mind map of some of these thoughts. Today, i will be free, and clean of pmo and overly gaming. Yay
  3. I just relapsed into pmo. I want to look myself in the eyes, and say some things. "look forward. Relapse can happen. Don't be stuck in the past. Be aware". I am here to write down some strategies. Yesterday i used the "sit it out", and it worked for a day. What makes this difficult is that not 1 strategy works everytime. I will start with 3 different ones sit the craving out. Be aware that in 10 or 20 minutes it is probably over. Focus on how i will feel later on, knowing i did not give in. Go for a walk outside. This is slightly harder to do. I dont know why but i find myself hesitating a lot when i think of this. I will walk a 100 meters minimum when i feel a craving i don't want to sit out. blast some music. I have christian songs, singer-songwriter, lots of my own playlists on spotify. Next time a craving hit, i will start up a song. Also, i am thinking out loud. Maybe it helps if i rotate these steps. That way, i can perhaps keep their efficiency. I like this. I will work with this.
  4. Right. I'm one day pmo free. I will celebrate profoundly. Last night happened what sometimes does happen. I had a great day, and in my head i was already better. So i gamed till 2 am. Not very smart. Today i have a couple of things to do. I will have a good day. i won't game till 2 o clock. My intend is to go at 10. Let's do it.
  5. Right, i was so muggy that i forgot my inspiration. It's this video: It touched me on a few points. mainly the connection part in recovery progress, and how very important person's direct environment is, and it's influence on that recovery. I'll be thinking those concepts over.
  6. I am tired as hell. Sleep has been a disaster, together with my lack of direction and need for stimulation. I cannot find footing. I've been watching videos about ADHD on youtube for some time, and many things hit home. In the smallest things i recognize certain behavior. Sometimes i'm in need of rest, and i try to find it in an easy-going game. Another time i want action, and i boot a different game up. I feel like i want connection, 'oh i can play that game for that'. This has been going on for a few months now. My awareness has growed but i still dont feel in charge. Sometimes i do, more often not. Something i have noticed; when i think about changing things, how i would change them, what i will change i get a very powerful boost, and i relapse almost immediately back into porn and long hours of gaming. Then i feel hopeless again for some time. In about a week it will happen again, rinse and repeat. Now i'm exhausted when i even think about change. But i really want to. I have a couple of reasons for that. When i look around, people always seem to live life more fully then me. This is common i guess, especially if you consume a lot of media. Point is, i don't. Barely. But i still want more. I want more then how my parents are now. More then what my old self's future was. He was not a nice person. Inverted, not spending words about anything and no estimates about anything else then gaming. Every day felt like it was my last. It was not a good state. The reason i turn up here, is so i can read much later how today i took up the lance again. I can't commit to anything i'm afraid. I can't handle it. It will change anyway. Another reason is, today my head is spinning, and i am weary of bad sleep routine, even in spite of having a good night's sleep. I need to write it all down what i'm thinking. Here are my plans for the upcoming weeks to get through the first phase of withdrawal. What i want to do: get back into solid sleep regularity again. My 1# priority. stop pmo, and tackling the habit i created where i do it just before sleeping. withholding numbing my feelings and thoughts by gaming it away. Engage real life. Be open for experiences, learn to recognize chances. Double down on my good side. Write a lot. Mainly in the evenings, to get to 21:30 so i can go to bed. What i consider to do: going offline for weekdays, any screens (laptop/tablet) only in weekends a creative way of dealing with cravings. I'm not sure about what or how yet. The conventional ways i found to be lacking interest and excitement. The only one i remember strongly is sitting cravings out, telling myself to see how i feel in 10 or 20 minutes. If i say creative, i'm thinking about "when i crave, i climb a tree". Something in that matter. I feel very accomplished right now. Today i have an appointment with my mental health coach. I do not look forward to it though, but that's more because i say words about change a lot, but not much comes from it. I don't know what i will share with him yet about all of this. Future Rick, you've got this.
  7. I was without gaming and porn last week. Friday i reinstalled a game. Played the saturday afternoon, evening and full sunday. Just deleted it again. I want to close this chapter. This drive in me for this imaginary virtual world is insatiable. I need to stop this. I'm not quitting, i'm breathing. I'm not giving up, i am letting go. I am not done, i am simply famished.
  8. Let's talk about my intent for the day. Yesterday i read an analogy about a bus driver. In short, every thought i could ever have, past or present is a passenger on the bus, and the driver has all these passengers speak to him in their own way, with their own sorrows and voice. But the driver, is still the driver. Master of his helm and rudder. Here's my intent for today; volunteer work this morning workout in early afternoon make dinner late afternoon clean sit down and relax. Either read a book i just started in, or write here a bit more. Let's see how this goes.
  9. 10 days into december, and i said to myself. "i want to have a different December compared to other years. I want to be social present, have engaging activities and really feel and see how our last month pans out. No long hours of gaming, staying up late, a broken sleep pattern. No bullshit. Just a responsible life. We are 11 days further, and i have had a tough week. Days with intent and sluggish half-awake days. Talking here has been a hard counter to depressing thoughts and so much more. How to get out of a rut, etc. I want to talk today about what person i want to be. Lets start with making a distinction. There are all sorts of people in the world. Writers, singers, workers. I look to the people in my direct surroundings and i see people work, cook, enjoy hobbies, creativity, create furniture, make things, repair stuff. With that in mind i find myself so many times wondering "what is it that those people have, that i don't". After a long line of analyzing i made the conclusion there is no special difference. I read somewhere that this distinction and that line is what creates a wall between me and doing anything. You see, what all these people have in common is that they do the thing they do. To be blunt, a writer is not writer. A writer is a person who writes. For every vocation, from a generalized point of view this applies. And here is Rick. Sitting each evening behind his laptop, gaming, watching porn. Occasionally doing something more productive. I am not at a point where i think i'm throwing my life away, but i do find myself shorting myself in life. It is here, in front of me, and i should take it. Enjoy it much more. Be more outgoing, see landmarks, visit family. With gaming, it's all on a very low priority. I want to pick up where i left, and again complete my list of things i feel i need to do. Furthermore, the next; I want to be a person that writes I want to be a person that listens, and makes contact, someone who can This was my one step for today.
  10. Back to my daily rhythm, writing here every evening. I've been slipping, and the expectation i had in mind has not worked out, time to adjust. Tired, in my head. So many plans yet so empty on energy. A good night's sleep will help. Tomorrow morning cleaning up a bit, and starting to workout again. My one step of today is going to bed at a reasonable hour, 11 pm.
  11. Updating here as my one step. Today was a good day. I had lunch. I helped. I talked. I was in contact. I finished this day quite unfulfilled. I gamed a bit in the evening. Went to coffee. Back to gaming. Its now 11:54 pm here. And i feel this big, unresolved chunk of energy. Did i not give enough today? is it supposed to be like this? Restless. Aimless? Unforgiving for myself. Undone. I can go on and on. What is the solution? i do good things. I take care of myself. I feel lost in the evening. Am i alone? I will put awareness to work. Maybe i'll figure it out.
  12. Today was a full day, and i am glad. I could relax after 5 pm and went to dinner. After dinner, i watched some tv and worked on my weekly schedule. Yet, i was not fond of it. I have been that route very many times, and i don't think it fits anymore. So i changed it into a list of all the things a day, each day when possible needs to have. Thus far i have: 'waking up event', which is body activity, either workout, football, walking, working on something outdoors. relaxing moments. As a bridge between activities. a strong morning routine. a strong evening routine. I outlined all the specifics on a spreadsheet, but won't share them here. Any advice what i have missed so far is welcome. I do know i should have replacing activities for all area's gaming sufficed. I looked them up just to be sure and they are; Mentally engaging, Resting, Social. I have the resting part covered, the mentally engaging sometimes (i read a lot). The social and another mentally engaging is needed, and i will fill them in tomorrow, and take a look on the hobby list from cam. Things to do: Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful. Make a template for everyday's journal Make a spreadsheet in excel done ask for input what a healthy day includes Describe actions that flow from my intentions Make a few agreements with myself Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?) Take one step at the time
  13. I feel so much hesitation to write today. Yesterday and the day before where good days. Yesterday, i was very busy until 5pm, and afterwards i was so tired. I couldn't get to anything i wanted to do anymore, and i devolved into gaming in the evening, and just sitting. Ugh. My habit of sitting has such a grip on me i think, and i'm not always aware. It's basically this. I love to write, to read and to learn. So after a workday i sit down, and i do those 3. Then either two things happen; after i have had enough of doing this i go into the next activity (most of the times this is a workout, cleaning or going outside, something with movement). Or; the day changes into a game day. I'm fussy, brain-fogged and the only sentence that stays stuck in my head is "tomorrow i will do this, or that, and it will be better". Today i had that last sort of day. And it doesn't do very much for me. Man, that feels good to write this down. If that doesn't do much for me, why do i do it? I think because my structure has faded. I'm fine with watching movies and gaming in the midst of afternoon. But if i would compare that to my dad, or brother they would just do something else entirely. Probably something with work, friends or fixing stuff, cleaning. It's all mixed up after having been so long under the brain-fogged effect of porn and gaming all day. On the other hand, i'm not that person anymore either. A 'game-day' when i was 20 is vastly different from a game-day now (i'm 25). I can see how i have changed, mostly for the better. I"m not sure what i want to do here. I'm not going to keep navel-gazing though, i can promise you that (hello future self if you read this, be proud of the action you took today). What really is calling to me now is the video from Cam about doubling-down on the things that work. And that is what i will do. Not because my current course of action i started to take at the begin of this journal is insufficient (i think not at least), but because after today i think it will be good idea to add another point to the list. Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?) Good talk. Good write up. I'm writing a lot more these days, on all sorts of places. I like that.
  14. Today i progressed on my roster, my template and i had some laundry to fold, calling my brother. It was busy, and i ate very quickly in-between. I skipped my workout today and I did miss the feeling of movement afterwards, and i don't think i will be skipping anymore. It was not worth it. I'm now going to take a small walk, because i forgot something outside. My one step this day was committing to a project i promised to try out to my neighbor, and i did some work on that in the late afternoon. Normally i would crash down on the couch, and i think i did well today by not following that same behavior.
  15. Yesterday i was sound asleep, so no blog from sunday. Today my priority is making my weekly roster, in excel, and finishing the first agreement i will make with myself about porn. I'll get back to you once i have some legwork.