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Rick Boon

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About Rick Boon

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  • Birthday 12/20/1993

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  1. Updating here as my one step. Today was a good day. I had lunch. I helped. I talked. I was in contact. I finished this day quite unfulfilled. I gamed a bit in the evening. Went to coffee. Back to gaming. Its now 11:54 pm here. And i feel this big, unresolved chunk of energy. Did i not give enough today? is it supposed to be like this? Restless. Aimless? Unforgiving for myself. Undone. I can go on and on. What is the solution? i do good things. I take care of myself. I feel lost in the evening. Am i alone? I will put awareness to work. Maybe i'll figure it out.
  2. Today was a full day, and i am glad. I could relax after 5 pm and went to dinner. After dinner, i watched some tv and worked on my weekly schedule. Yet, i was not fond of it. I have been that route very many times, and i don't think it fits anymore. So i changed it into a list of all the things a day, each day when possible needs to have. Thus far i have: 'waking up event', which is body activity, either workout, football, walking, working on something outdoors. relaxing moments. As a bridge between activities. a strong morning routine. a strong evening routine. I outlined all the specifics on a spreadsheet, but won't share them here. Any advice what i have missed so far is welcome. I do know i should have replacing activities for all area's gaming sufficed. I looked them up just to be sure and they are; Mentally engaging, Resting, Social. I have the resting part covered, the mentally engaging sometimes (i read a lot). The social and another mentally engaging is needed, and i will fill them in tomorrow, and take a look on the hobby list from cam. Things to do: Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful. Make a template for everyday's journal Make a spreadsheet in excel done ask for input what a healthy day includes Describe actions that flow from my intentions Make a few agreements with myself Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?) Take one step at the time
  3. I feel so much hesitation to write today. Yesterday and the day before where good days. Yesterday, i was very busy until 5pm, and afterwards i was so tired. I couldn't get to anything i wanted to do anymore, and i devolved into gaming in the evening, and just sitting. Ugh. My habit of sitting has such a grip on me i think, and i'm not always aware. It's basically this. I love to write, to read and to learn. So after a workday i sit down, and i do those 3. Then either two things happen; after i have had enough of doing this i go into the next activity (most of the times this is a workout, cleaning or going outside, something with movement). Or; the day changes into a game day. I'm fussy, brain-fogged and the only sentence that stays stuck in my head is "tomorrow i will do this, or that, and it will be better". Today i had that last sort of day. And it doesn't do very much for me. Man, that feels good to write this down. If that doesn't do much for me, why do i do it? I think because my structure has faded. I'm fine with watching movies and gaming in the midst of afternoon. But if i would compare that to my dad, or brother they would just do something else entirely. Probably something with work, friends or fixing stuff, cleaning. It's all mixed up after having been so long under the brain-fogged effect of porn and gaming all day. On the other hand, i'm not that person anymore either. A 'game-day' when i was 20 is vastly different from a game-day now (i'm 25). I can see how i have changed, mostly for the better. I"m not sure what i want to do here. I'm not going to keep navel-gazing though, i can promise you that (hello future self if you read this, be proud of the action you took today). What really is calling to me now is the video from Cam about doubling-down on the things that work. And that is what i will do. Not because my current course of action i started to take at the begin of this journal is insufficient (i think not at least), but because after today i think it will be good idea to add another point to the list. Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?) Good talk. Good write up. I'm writing a lot more these days, on all sorts of places. I like that.
  4. Today i progressed on my roster, my template and i had some laundry to fold, calling my brother. It was busy, and i ate very quickly in-between. I skipped my workout today and I did miss the feeling of movement afterwards, and i don't think i will be skipping anymore. It was not worth it. I'm now going to take a small walk, because i forgot something outside. My one step this day was committing to a project i promised to try out to my neighbor, and i did some work on that in the late afternoon. Normally i would crash down on the couch, and i think i did well today by not following that same behavior.
  5. Yesterday i was sound asleep, so no blog from sunday. Today my priority is making my weekly roster, in excel, and finishing the first agreement i will make with myself about porn. I'll get back to you once i have some legwork.
  6. Today i'm taking a rain check. I had a good day. I had movement, i had relaxing, challenging. Now i'm cooling off.
  7. 15:30 check the weather if i can bike to parents. That or lift. Following that, i'll pack for staying a night over. 16:00 Time to go. That i'll be my saturday. My current list: Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful Make a template for everyday's journal Make a spreadsheet in excel ask for input what a healthy day includes Describe actions that flow from my intentions Make a few agreements with myself Take one step at the time This evening i will talk about an agreement i want to make. It is about porn. I have silenced the movie that was on. I am alone in my room. Rain is making it's white noise while i am wrapped in my blanket. Let's talk. A couple of days back i saw a video from Improvement Pill on YouTube. Describing in a clear and direct way what nofap could do for someone. It struck me in two ways. How necessary this is for me. I have lived those benefits he sums up. Where i once was. A little bit of shame, guilt, regret and sadness are coming up. I feel nostalgic. I need to post this blog, but i am done for now. Writing takes me a lot more time then i originally estimated. (Resume here) At last, here is the link;
  8. A quick update, before my 8:30. This is an awareness blog. I find myself in a 'game-day' this morning and afternoon. I had irregular sleep last night, i woke up around 1:30 because i went very early. I was beat. I joined my work later this morning, i had some good activities. I had this afternoon aswell. I went out to the market, i enjoyed myself. Right now i just played a small game of football (soccer). Still i am sensing a couple of signs. i feel tired in my head i have the inclination to sit down, and read on my laptop about games, watch youtube or play. It is this habit that i am way to accustomed to. i have an mostly empty weekend before me. I have some laundry i really need to do tomorrow, and i will. But that is the only thing i have planned. I have to much "i should do" thoughts. Going to my parents. Finishing cleaning my room. Unscrew the lambs to replace the bulbs. Finish demolishing my bank. I replaced it with a normal seat and beanbag. Normally this would be a set up for a full weekend of gaming. Today, i can't. Today was a good day so far. I am thinking of ways to use the momentum i have now. Bend my "i should's" into "i will". Uhhmm, thinking out loud. I should not underestimate the change in direction i took this week. My weekend should contain something active, something to relax with and something challenging. Alright, this weekend: I'll bike to my parents. It's a 2 hour trip, i have once done half of it. I know the way. I think i can do this. Let me plan it immediately. Tomorrow afternoon i have laundry, it isnt really the best time. I can perhaps change it to the morning. I'll get back to this. 11 o'clock I have the need for a desk. Tomorrow i'll ride by two charity-shops and see if they have something. I'll scout the city at the same time a bit. 12 o'clock laundry. 12 o'clock I'll finish demolishing my bank in the time my clothes are in the machine. 14:30 I'll round up, and plan a small moment of relaxing. I'll meet the group for coffee at 15:00. I'll come back to this post later this evening. Small steps. One step at the time. Last, i am adding something very important for myself to the list, that is: Being truthful. I have such a habit of talking accordingly to what people expect. It. is. not. good. I dislike it furiously, yet in such a moment my very core just wants to say what is correct, and be gone with it. Either disband the situation or fleeing myself. Together with Introspection, i will go to the bottom of this.
  9. Thank you for the kind words Cornish and sskieller. Today i have not resumed where i let off yesterday. I had a very good day, but right now i am almost falling asleep. Updating here now is my last act before i head to pillow-village and dreamy-town. My one step today was pushing through some resistance, and act on awareness. I am aware that, after work i tend to crash and stagnate for the rest of the day on gaming. Today i was aware that i was tired after work, so i drank a glas of milk, and relaxed for a set time that i told myself. 'i will relax for x amount of minutes, and then get to work again'. It is a small tool i learned that was meant for when you -or in this case, me- keep grinding in a cycle about a problem, or worry. After my relaxing 30 minutes i went outdoors to do some calisthenics. I was very happy afterwards. I wanted to work out, so i did. I filled the rest of the day with groceries, putting something in the oven and reading up on some lore. My scheduled time for my daily update is normally 8:30 till 9, but today i moved it forward an hour. The list will remain where it is, and be worked on tomorrow. I am pretty grateful for today. I had fun. I could relax. I was aware. Rick, over and out.
  10. The function of this journal is intended to be an anchor and tool to find control again over my gaming and influence the choices i will make in the future. I want to explore why i am absorbed by games in moments of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness. This is my second journal, and by kicking this one off i am ending the first one. It has served it's goal. I am not here to flutter, to ghost my own journal or give up. Besides the question why gaming has such an impact on me, and how my own personality is tied into the reasons why i game, i want to connect, to listen, to live. I need my life to be satisfactory. By sticking to a daily dairy i want to build an imaginary train that trains forward. I am lost in the day? = read my last update. I don't know what my purpose of this week, month or even year will be? find the answers here, on the forum or inside respawn. Besides this journal i will also have an overhauling plan which includes a spreadsheet for daily and/or weekly routines. I made up a few rules for myself. To quickly recap, this is not my first try to change my life completely, and so i will not see it that way. The following will hopefully be the foundation i am building my life upon. one step at the time. Realistically that means very slowly, something new per day. simple days. No 20 ultra productive courses or books. Just a few pages to start with, nothing drastically. Slow pace. Low expectations. In line with who i am, what i am capable of. My favorite quote from The King of Queens is "the lower you'll go, the happier you'll be". Different context, but still. Makes me laugh and think at the same time. Treat yo self (Parks en Rec anyone?). Rewarding myself will be very important. I don't do that. Not often. Thus, i want to recognize my own contributions or others and see value in that. No depriving thoughts or cutting compliments. A simple "Thank you" or "Rick you've done well" will suffice. These are my intentions. Now to actions.. Actually. This is my step for today. I have multiple tabs open, on the GQ youtube channel and some journals. I am halting now to resume tomorrow. Things to do: Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful. Make a template for everyday's journal Make a spreadsheet in excel ask for input what a healthy day includes Describe actions that flow from my intentions Make a few agreements with myself Take one step at the time
  11. If you do it for the 100th time, i do it for the 99th time. Good to see you are still going though. Maybe it feels like failing, but 10 years from now you'll remember each time you detoxed, each time you tried to change something. Lets start crossing everything off that list!
  12. I had an extremely satisfying day and i will report tomorrow some more, and start with my 2 'recovery' beliefs.
  13. I'll answer that today booksandtrees. Quick update from my phone, before this relapse I had 2 core believes that I referred to. Now I will come up with 2 believes that I want to grow in, and to familiarise myself with.
  14. I lost again. This weekend wasn't so good. Now i just don't want to game anymore. I'll repeat my quitting progress, have to. I know the drill. Unsubbing any gaming channels, deleting history, bookmarks and the anything related to gaming. Deleting my games itself. Only 1 this time, but my goodness what i poured into it these days again. A little bit of money, extreme hours and so much effort for making new characters.
  15. This is good advice, thank you. It seems though i find this very difficult, in general. How do you know when you have to follow your own intuition? what gives my opinion priority over others? because its my life? hm, that seems a good answer. This hard. I have to think more about this.
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