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Simon E

A life without gaming

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Whenever I miss League I do so because I remember the moments of going Legendary. When I would dominane, and no one could stop me. The thing is, chances are you'll get a leaver or play terrible and hate yourself for allowing this to happen.

Being only on day 4, I'm not experienced enough to know what to say, yet. All I can think or is this: remind yourself how you felt before quitting, remind yourself why you quit and focus on where you want to be in 1 or 5 years.

I doubt you wanna go back to how you felt before you quit. And man, you're full of talent and skillsets beyond the world of League! I hope you get to enjoy whatever you had planned :)

You're completely right, but to admit this would require logic and common sense, and when I experience cravings there's no room left for either of those. 

I keep coming back to and troubling myself with the fact that some people are able to play games, and I'm not. Why is this? It disturbs me, yes, and it makes me jealous. But I'm also curious. 

Is there anything I can do, any change I can implement in my life, any basic need I can fulfill, that will let me regain control over the games? How does it work? Where do I possibly find the answers?

Because this is tearing me apart. If there was some pill that would let me go to sleep and then wake up when the detox is done, I would take it. If there was anything that would instantly remove the cravings, I would take it. But ofcourse, that's too easy, so I'll have to go through every day with a roaring conflict going on inside me; my soul is a battleground, and little parts of me die every time I have to resist the urges. 

Atleast it's slightly better now than before (probably won't be in a minute since I'll end up watching more league videos, which now that I think of it sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea. I did tell you I'm a genius, right?

Anyways, I appreciate your encouragement, flingaas.

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Another two hours wasted on youtube. I think I needed those, though, bcz now I have literally done nothing more than watch league videos the whole day.

That is awful. I feel awful. That is why it's going to work out. 

I needed to trick myself into mustering enough anger so that I'm able to actually make an honest, powerful decision.

I will not consume any more league-related content during this detox. No videos, no news, nothing.

That's a goal and a promise. 

If your struggles are the reason you get stronger I will come out fucking unstoppable on the other side of this addiction. Like steel forged in unbelievable heat, like broken bones becoming stronger after healing. 

https://m.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/2ca0xz/ventrant_nsfw_language/ This is golden. I keep coming back to this post whenever I feel at my worst.

"Remember where you fucking came from and remember you can climb up from any bottom."

Me: 1 Cravings: 0. 

"Tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to do all the things you didn't do today". Preach.

That's it for now - I'm out. 

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Great! You're absolutely right about logics and common sense not being present when things get tough :)

I'm glad you worked it out! And I think not watching League content is a great idea! Hang in there bro :D

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Day 22: The contrast between yesterday and today is striking; I went from being somewhere deep down in the darkest pit of cravings and depression to now being weightless, flying in the skies. 

Today was a pretty ideal day except for the beginning of it. Woke up pretty late and for the first few hours, I felt slow/drowsy, but that changed as soon as I forced myself to simply begin with something.

I'm past my scheduled bedtime already so I can't drag this post out ("Hurray!" You might say). A quick summary of today:

  1. Studied physics for 5 times 25 minutes. Feeling pretty prepared for the test on wednesday (never been this early with studying, I usually do it the last day, so it's quite the achievement).
  2. Went to the gym. Put off the decision to late in the afternoon, but still, I went.
  3. Began writing a sketch for my novel (a short summary of the book that'll serve as the foundation for the actual writing.)

And a bunch of smaller goals that aren't worth mentioning here.

I was also struck by the realization that all time is equal, and that all time equally matters. There is literally so much to be done, that justifying playing video games or watching netflix/youtube is honestly impossible. One should dedicate all their time, every day, every hour, every second, to improving themselves and their lives (whatever that means to them). There is books to be read, words to be written, studying to be done. 

I'm hopeful for the future, mainly thanks to the rereading of the slight edge. I'm beginning to understand that if I consistently apply the slight edge philosophy in my life, anything is achievable.

Also began doing some "happy habits" (gratitude journal/positive experience-journal). I'm pretty cynical, and I tend to feel a slight disgust towards the idea of walking around constantly smiling and seeing the positive in everything, but if thats what it takes to be happy, I might consider doing it anyways. 

Bon nuit (Basically all I remember from four years of studying french, yay)

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That's awesome that you're working on a novel as well. I wish you the best of luck. What genre is it, if you don't mind me asking?

And you are so right about time. We only have so much of it, best use it wisely! At least we're young. :)

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@JSmith It will (probably, you never know with these things) end up as some sort of young adult/dark fantasy thing. It will be pretty dark and pretty psychological, since those are areas I myself find fascinating and personally would like to read about. 

What will yours be, if you don't mind me asking?

IKR, that's something to be grateful for when all else goes to shit - atleast we have time to make up for our past mistakes. :P 

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Day 23: A very short post since I have to sleep.

Ideal day today aswell. Managed to handle school in a good enough way, got some stuff done (math. There is always math to do. It never ends. Whisper: please kill me), and felt pretty good, afterwards

Also, now that I've started with the novel all these ideas pop up out of nowhere, like my inner muse realized I'm finally willing and able to take good care of them. I'm honestly excited about the whole thing - as long as I don't mess up I think the novel will turn out pretty decent.

The gravitational force of the bed (strongest one there is) is tugging at me, better get going. 

Peace, and sleep well! Or have a nice day. Or something

Edited by Simon E

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@JSmith It will (probably, you never know with these things) end up as some sort of young adult/dark fantasy thing. It will be pretty dark and pretty psychological, since those are areas I myself find fascinating and personally would like to read about. 

What will yours be, if you don't mind me asking?

IKR, that's something to be grateful for when all else goes to shit - atleast we have time to make up for our past mistakes. :P 

It's going to be a science fiction novel. :)

MY_FIRST_CUSTOM_MEME.thumb.jpg.1504bd86d

Don't be afraid Woody.

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Awesome! I'm happy to hear tables are turning for you! Read some of your early-days journaling, and you've come far since then! From gaming being the only fun to ideal days where gaming is not mentioned!

Also, I'm excited that both of you are on the journey of writing a novel! Keep it up, lads! Also, good luck on your test tomorrow! :D

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@JSmith Ah. I probably could've guessed that, lol :D 

@flingaas Yeah, it's not that long, but my mindset has shifted pretty massively. My life isn't exactly where I want it to be, but it's tremendously better than when I was gaming (I just have to make sure I remember this when the cravings return). Also, thank you! :) Considering it's physics we're talking about, luck will be needed.

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Day 24: Another good day. (3 good days in a row? What sorcery is this?)(Just waiting for the crash, lol)

I've been showing borderline obsessed behavior today. It's pretty incredible, that for months I couldn't find any motivation or inspiration for my novel at all, but as soon as I decided that I would begin working on it for real, all these ideas pop out of nowhere. Hours have gone by today consisting only of me frantically scribbling down ideas, filling paper after paper.

Also, I'm rereading the series "The Young Elites" for the fourth time. The last one - "The Midnight Star" - is estimated to be published today (it'll arrive here in Sweden in two days), and I'm hyped beyond reason. Out of the couple thousand books I've read (not exaggerating. Together with gaming reading has been my way of functioning/escaping the world, and ever since I began reading Harry Potter at the age of six, it's been normal for me) that series is probably my absolute favorite, from a subjective standpoint.

About the reading; it's not so very different from gaming actually; it's just another promise of a fictive world, a way to temporarily escape from life, but in spite of that, my wiev on it is completely different. I can with some sort of genuine pride say I spent the whole last 24 hours reading a nerve-wrecking book, but I can't look someone in the eyes and say I did the same with gaming. To be honest, I do not know why this is. Because reading is generally looked upon positively, whereas gaming is frowned upon? Because the need for stories is deeply ingrained in my personality? Maybe that is what I needed in games in the first place; the story, and the possibility of creating my very own outcomes and endings?

This is not as impossible as it sounds. I was attracted almost exclusively to this one character in league, Syndra, because of her lore and her quotes; dark, damaged, vengeful (with a hint of hidden pain, injustice in the past etc.). She had been looked down upon, feared, thrown out of society, and so she swore to get her revenge. 

Exactly the type of stories I like to read (and write).

This is all an interesting hyopthesis, and it would be uplifting to have found atleast one root cause of my addiction.

The novel is moving forward with lightning-fast speed; more progress has been made these last two days than the whole year before that. The plot will turn out just as deliciously dark and exciting as I want it to, I'm not worried about that. What I am growing anxious about is the execution. Do I have the sufficient skill to make the story justice? I've always had top grades in my native language (because of the reading), and the teachers usually praise my way with words. But will this be enough?

I often find my words and sentences to be clumsy and simple, not as sofisticated, flowing, deep as I want them to. Maybe this stems from me being too harsh on myself; the standard inner judge of your creative work. I hope it does. Maybe I shouldn't care about how it turns out and just write because I love writing? The most logical option. Unfortunately, logic isn't my strongest trait:^)

I should've been studying physics this whole day, but no. My brain is buzzing with words and pictures, if I had had to put numbers and formulas in there too it might've exploded.

 

I compensated for the two previous short posts with this mega-bible.

Now it's time for, you guessed it, sleep. (I like my sleep, m8.) That is, if I can ignore the surges of inspiration that instantly arrive when I turn off the lights (yay).

 

TLDR: Me nerding about the art of weaving stories together. 

Edited by Simon E

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Cool beans!

I think the difference between reading and gaming (when both include a fantasy universe) is the fact that you won't identify yoursel with / live through the book. In the moment, sure, you can imagine you're IN the story - and you probably do. What I found with gaming was that it took all of my perspective, not only while gaming. I was constantly thinking of games, it was the reason I'd get through the day and what I would always look forwards to. Also, books give you creativity, whereas games mostly demand you to focus, play well and lose yourself. Just a few random thoughts based on my personal experience. Could probably write an article about it, but I won't :D

Also, it's exciting that your writing is progressing! I can relate to being critical towards yourself. I think it's a good thing! That's the only way to produce a proper product (I think?). However, allow someone to evaluate with you - Sometimes we're too critical! :P

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Day 25: I've been procrastinating/forgetting the journal up until the last moment of the day, when I'm about to literally fall asleep at any second. 

Another day of thinking/working on the novel. I've made a goal of having a completed sketch/foundation for the book at day 50 of the detox, so that I'm able to begin writing on the actual novel. (I want to have the backstory, the research, the plot etc crystal clear in my mind before I begin filling it out.)

Had a moment of weakness today though. Landed in the couch and watched three episodes of some weird anime, before being able to drag my lazy ass away from there. No big deal, but not something I'm proud of, and not something I want to be happening (it has in the past, so I'm especially fearful of the useless bingewatching. I'd rather be reading)

That's it for today, as the bed is calling my name. It would be cold-hearted of me to ignore that, no?

@flingaas I'm not ignoring you :P will answer tomorrow, I'm sure you'll excuse a tired teenager

 

Goodnight!

 

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@flingaas I kind of agree with that you're saying. No matter how good the book is, you won't be thinking about it a month after you read (not constantly, atleast. Some really good ones keep popping up in my mind from time to time), while gaming is in your mind all time any time. About the part where reading gives you creativity; is that really true though? Most people who read limits themselves to that end of the novel; the recieving end. There's alot more people reading books than writing them. 

And isn't reading in the same category as gaming? You lose yourself in a story for a few hours a few days of the week, and that's it. Your life doesn't necessarily get better from doing it. Actually, one might even argue that gaming is more creative than reading; when playing you are actively affecting the story and its outcome. You're not just sitting by watching things unfold.

Moving on to writing though, and none of the above applies. 

What you described about gaming stealing your perspective is exactly what I'm experiencing in relation to my writing. The story of my novel keeps coming back to me every hour of the day; when walking, cycling, studying. I bend over backwards trying to figure out how to solve the plot holes, I experiment with dialogue, I put my characters in certain situations and try to visualize how they would react. I live in my fictive world almost as much as I live in the real world.

I'm being obsessed. Or one might say, addicted. 

That takes me back to the question: why did I feel like shit about being obsessed with games but not about being obsessed with writing? And my conclusion is that, for some ambiguous reason, I find meaning in writing but not in gaming. This is as, I've said before, entirely subjective and not a reflection of any objective right or wrong. 

Might be because that, if you agree with me about gaming being somewhat creative, writing is the same way as gaming but a thousand times better. In a game, you have the opportunity of affecting the outcome; depending on your actions it might end like this, or like that. No matter how free you may feel, everything is premeditated in a way. You are able to affect the outcome, yes, but the possible outcomes are already hardcoded into the game. No matter how free you may feel you have a finite amount of choices to make. 

Meanwhile, when writing, the limits of your potential does not exist. You are God. 

I kind of derailed from the subject a little, but I like that. It's when you lose track of your thoughts and wander into the desolate, dark places of your mind that you encounter interesting ideas.

As always, thanks for your input!

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Day 26: I'm excited to be closing in on day 30. It would feel like a substantial achievement, not simply a pair of digits. 

I honestly think I'm going to make it this time. I've discovered a passion of mine, and I have the tools I need to change my life into something awesome. Defeating the addiction doesn't seem all that impossible anymore.

But then again, that's exactly how I felt last time, and we all know how that went. 

 

Nothing too interesting happened today. Finished school early, went home and wandered around staring at the walls and scratching my armpits for a few hours (=I didn't do shit), but then I managed to get my lazy ass to the library, where I did 2-3 hours of pretty effective studying. (GJ me.) Finished a swedish assignment that has literally loomed over me like a dark cloud the last week, infecting my very existance and dulling every source of potential happiness.

JK, it wasn't that bad. Just trying to make something exciting out of the painfully mundane.

Guess what, I'm past my bedtime again. (Maybe I have too strict sleep schedules? Nahhhhh, sleep is love, sleep life)

Peace. 

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"Maybe I have too strict bedtime routines"... if only that was my problem, and not the opposite :D

I realized saying "books give you creativity" and giving no examples made quite a weak argument, lol! I think my idea was that books make you think ans reflect, whereas (most) games make you press your keyboard or think of game tactics,  and that's the end I'd it.

Storywriting addiction, eh? That's exciting! :D makes me wanna read your book even more. To me it all comes down to purpose. I found gaming is empty. It's fun but nothing sustainable. However, writing allows me to express myself, to share my mind with another person and to shape someone else - or start a discussion.

I agree that finding meaning is subjective in the way that we have different skills, interests and personalities. In addition I'd suggest that in order to find purpose/meaning you'd have to create/protect/fight for something. This is why writing gives meaning whereas gaming doesn't (people think it gives purpose because they create or protect in-game, but it's virtual, so it doesn't really). But hey, I might be wrong :D

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@flingaas Like, I do agree with you, on a personal level, but I like a proper discussion too much not to refute your arguments. 

Honestly, I doubt most people who read really take their time and reflect upon what they just read. Atleast not when reading fiction; when reading self-developmental books or stuff like philosophy/psychology other rules apply. I think people simply view it as a way of killing time; a better and more refined one than for example TV and netflix, but fundamentally the same. (I myself do not consider reading to be a meaningless time-killer, so maybe I'm too judgemental towards other people, and I should stop pretending to know how they feel and think.)

And the thing with virtuality; the ideas and thoughts that reside in my head are just as abstract as what exists in a virtual reality, right? They do not become real until I write them down, and even then; the paper on which I put my words is just the means through which I make something real out of my writing. That sounded hella confusing. What I (think I) mean is that, just because your gaming achievements need an instrument for them to happen (a computer and an online server) doesn't make them less real. A lot of activities suffer from that criteria; writing, online art.

Maybe the computer simply fulfills the same function as the pen to the writer, the guitar to the artist. A gateway into the world you want to reach, the means through which you are able to perform the acitivity. 

Anything virtual is still a part of the real reality, and everything that's part of reality is real, no? (Going deep into the depths of philosophy now)(not that deep, but still)

 

I need to repeat myself; I do agree with you about the core part (that's why I'm writing now and not gaming), but it goes against my nature to leave any branches of an idea unexplored :D 

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Day 27: A long and rough schoolday (some genius decided to give us all of the heavy subjects on the same day)(Chemistry, Biology, two math classes, physics. Need I continue?)

Went home and worked some more on the novel (thanks for the encouragement, btw, everyone)(maybe it's just Fredrik but still, lmao)

Suddenly it became dark outside and time to sleep :P 

No cravings encountered in five days time, something I'm not going to complain about at all.

'Bout to fall asleep any second.

Peace. 

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You're probably right! I've got no experience with fantasy books because I mostly read books of self-development. Reading probably can have the same effect as gaming, and I agree with you when it comes to virtuality being just as real as writing :D In the end I guess we're all biased - speaking of what gives meaning and what doesn't.

Holy moly, that school day sounds harsh! Who would do something like that to their students? O.o Keep up the work, man! No cravings for five days is awesome! Seems like no longer watching gaming content is working out for you! :D

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Day 28: Insane day. Finished rereading my favourite book, wrote 2500 words on my novel, and closed the day off with watching Inception just now.

Fragments of stories are fleeting around in my head, feelings arise and disappear sporadically. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted; it's probably not too healthy to spend 10+ hours of a day losing yourself in fantasy universes. 

Life is damn confusing. 

The idea of being a part of this immensely complicated and complex creation that we call life, and still spend your time wishing yourself away, dreaming of another existance; it's achingly beautiful and terribly sad at the same time.

The meaning of life is to reflect upon the meaning of life. Then you realize life has no meaning apart from the one you give it.

We are biological machines created out of pure chance, existing on top of a rock speeding through a vast space of darkness at incomprehensible speed. Were we ever meant to exist? Was anything ever meant to exist? Maybe the creation of the universe was nothing more than a mistake, the one, odd chance in a billion, and before that, things were as they was supposed to be; nonexistent. A perfect nothingness.

 

On a slightly more positive note: considering I'm this philisophical while sober, I wonder what I would be like if I ever got high (I haven't tried it out yet).(Maybe I would reach instant nirvana).

 

Now it's time to sleep, and dream. My brain needs a solid night of sleep to process everything that's happened today.

(If you ever feel the need to comment on something I write, please do so. I crave meaningful discussions as a man in the desert craves water)(Apologize for the cliché)

Peace.

Edited by Simon E

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Day 29: My mood dove straight down into darkness.

The weather is awful; cold, rainy and gray. How are you as a human supposed to feel happy when you look outside and everything is void of light and colour?

I'm also feeling sad, for some reason. Not necessarily a bad sadness, but sadness nevertheless. 

If I felt like this a few months ago I would escape into the world of league, or crash on the couch with my ipad and netflix. This won't happen today. I will get things done no matter how I feel.

Because really, time passes no matter what you do - it's out of your control. 

Yes, it sucks to feel depressed and sad and lonely, and it would be so sweet to escape, to forget everything for an hour or two. That's one option. The other is to do the things you have to do regardless of your inner state. 

You can either feel like shit and waste the day, or you can feel like shit and still make something good out of it, something that you will be able to appreciate in the future, when you feel better again. Cutting your losses, in a way.

 

It's kind of early in the day, but I felt like writing here anyways. I have whole of sunday ahead of me; endless possibility or endless struggle. The difference between feeling free and feeling lost is dangerously thin.

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S9DE9gpprXQ Also, this song is breaking my heart

Edited by Simon E

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Hey Simon, you're right with your thought,  we are the result of pure chance. And at one point in time we humans will probably cease to exist, but there's nothing you can do about that. So my choice is to reach something in my life time, and be happy. 

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you're anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present." -Lao Tzu

Also i really recommend you to read "The Slight Edge", it's an excellent book about reaching everything in life you want. :)

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