Tatu92

Day 86 (continued from relapse of day 85)... Will do additional 90 days after: What I did: smoked weed last night, and played games. woke up around 2 pm.spoke to someone from a local hospital I was applying to, and I got an interview for Wednesday (working that day, so I'll call in sick).got a haircut to prepare for the interview.volleyball at 10 pm. x 4 games. Won 2 Lost 2.What I am grateful for: Winning two games tonight. And finally feeling that my group has settled down, and am starting to feel that we are a closer team.Although I relapsed... I'm trying to figure out why. I mean, I think I know. And it's hard to accept. But, I wanted to game. I wanted to take my head off of everything, to check out - get high and be in a virtual world where I can achieve things easier? My brother got accepted into university. Happy for him._____________________________________ Here's the thing. I'm planning to game again tonight. I'm being honest here. I know it's gonna happen. And I'm gonna smoke weed. I know that's gonna happen too. But... tonight will be the last night. In the very least, I am reporting about it. I can't say that it's an admirable thing... but it's better than not journaling here. T

For a week and a half since day 85 I relapsed into gaming/smoking weed. Initially it was a state of mind where I was craving gaming. I could have said no at the time. But once I dipped, I plunged. I couldn't help myself from going back to something that felt good at the time. I know it's not good for me. I know that it's a waste of my time, instead of investing it. In fact, it put me from feeling good, to feeling bad about myself within that time frame of 1.5 weeks. During which, I spent most of the time at home - isolated, because I didn't want other people to get in the way of me and my "next session". That 85 day effort, my dad told me, was beautiful - although he knew that I was going to relapse again one day. We talked about it. I'm grateful that he's always been there when I've felt depressed and on my binge. I would be in a much shittier place if it wasn't for my parents. I'm working until Sunday. But coming Monday, I'll re-start journaling. I've decided to start on day 85 on Monday, finish until 90. Then do another 90 days detox. I'll stay journaling here until then.

Talk about blue balls... I relapsed on day 85

Day 83: What I did: woke up from night shift. had dinner with family outsideabout to go do another night shiftWhat Im grateful for: eating out with my familyI bought a book about reading ECGI have one more shift until break ___________________________ T

oh yeah, it's a CPR course. It's a common certification, that most hospital units require from a nurse. It stands for Advanced Cardiopulmonary Life Support. It's definitely not a common term. It's not as common as "CPR". But it's basically that, but more advanced.

day 82: about to go do a night shift. gonna just post up real quick before I sleep. What I did: studying for 2 hours.got jumper cables helped my dad fix the house's electricity circuitryWhat I'm grateful for: having everything I need to upgrade my knowledge/skills readily available. learning that this ACLS course will take a while to prepare for. It's a little intimidating, but if I want to do it right I guess I can't rush it. That's a growing opportunity.work being easier once you get the first day over withT

Day 81: Just a quick post. Updating, still working before I go to sleep... What I did: 12 hour day shift.just got back home... ate, showered. back to studying... What I'm grateful for: I can appreciate the continuous work. It never ends. And right now I feel okay with that. I had a nice coupon meal at burger king this morningMy mom cooked some awesome Filipino food when I got home._______________________________________________________ Today was a decent day. It was busy, but it wasn't ridiculous. I'm gonna be back to work tomorrow. Still studing now... see ya! T

Day 80: What I did: 1.5 hr ACLS course = 1 chapter.Hot yoga 1 hourate out and now relaxing/winding down for work.What I'm grateful for: Hot yoga today, since I haven't gone for almost a week.I am grateful for my morning today was great. I had a lot of momentum from last night.I'm grateful for having time off before going back to work. T

Day 79: Nice day today! What I did: 2 chapters of the ACLS course book.45 minutes of volleyball drillsspent maybe 1-2 hours thinking about my goals, reflecting on the Beyond notes that I took. Something about sitting down for long periods and writing out my goals that ** I find really hard to dovisited one of our Beyond members in downtown Toronto for a hang-out, had a real good time.What I'm grateful for: Right off the bat, I am really grateful for meeting one of our Beyond members. Great person! I'm grateful for the Korean food, ice-cream, and good weather that lasted until the end of the hang-out!Driving downtown. I love a challenge. _______________________________________________ Just gonna chill out for the rest of the night. I enjoyed my night. Lots to think about, especially in relation to where I want to focus on my personal development. Just retelling my broken wrist story to our Beyond Member today. I still can't believe I drove myself home with a broken wrist. I'm not sure why I didn't call for help. But looking back, that was an amazing feat ahhaahahaha. I wouldn't do it again though. T

Hopefully your anxiety passes. Glad to see your friends were able to cheer you up a little bit

Day 78: Thanks for the encouragement guys! Today was a lot less caffeine. Only 2 cups of coffee, and one energy bar. But I got most of it done! What I did today: 2 hours studying ACLS = 1 chapter.2 hours practicing volleyball overhand serves and digging. I met a possible mentor there, he coached me a bit, I got his number.1 hour gym time with my volleyball friend.laundry3 hours studying ACLS = 1 chapter.updated budget sheet for last month up to present date! finishing it up with reviewing some volleyball rules, regulations.What I am grateful for: I read Cam giving advice to one of the Beyond guys. He mentioned something about not letting yourself off the hook, and to finish what you set out to do. That's what I've been working on the last 2 days! I appreciate that practical wisdom.Meeting the experienced guy at the volleyball court today. I was practicing drills alone to improve like my team, and he took the time to show me some tips and advice on rules and regulations. I got his number and figured out when he comes so we can practice.My gym session with volleyball friend. It was a pleasant bonding experience. I tried to make it less about "me" and to think about his perspective a little more. Still need some work on it, but getting better._______________________________________________________ Overall a very productive day. I'm glad I got some solid practice in today at the volleyball court. Too bad they only have drop ins start from 5-7 pm. My sister cancelled on hot yoga tomorrow. I've been pretty sore from all this activity. And my evening is booked for that dinner with one of the Beyond guys. I think tomorrow I'll focus on hammering another 2 ACLS chapters. I'll also work on learning more about volleyball rules/regulations. And fleshing out my goals? I'm subconsciously working towards volleyball, because that's what is making me feel excited and alive... Alright here's the plan tomorrow: - 2 chapters of ACLS - learn more about volleyball rules and regulations, and plays/positioning. - flesh out my goals? I need to find a way to solidify my goals, although most of my goals are created on a whim. I don't particularly know what I want 5 years from now. And maybe that's an issue... So I just need to establish longer-term goals? ... I'll spend some time on this tomorrow. - possible yoga **depending on if I am not feeling too tired, and if I have enough free time in the morning because the chapters in this course are getting longer... taking around 4 hours to do 2 chapters somewhat thoroughly*** - dinner with the Beyond member. T

Day 77: I really stretched myself today. I worked hard to do the things I said I would yesterday. What I did: Studied 1 hour = 1 chapter of ACLS course.Went to the gym and worked out for 1 hour approximately.Volleyball from 5-7 pm.Volleyball with my NEW TEAM! from 8-10 pm.Studied 1.5 hours = another chapter of ACLS course.Did the Beyond Assignments.What I am grateful for: I took a bunch of energy drinks/bars. But I finally got all that stuff done!!! WOHOO! The last bit of work regarding the ACLS review was a tad bit skimmed. Meaning I could have been more thorough, but it's 1:30 am right now and I'm friggin tired. I did like 4 hours of volleyball and I went to gym earlier too.I am so glad I did not join that volleyball team with the bad leader. This new team is GREAT! It's filled with people that I think are "out of my league", and they are all very good volleyball players - just that much better that it gives me a goal to work towards and a new standard to live up to. In addition, they are very welcoming. The leader here seems to be this one girl, and everyone looks to her. She's not that good as the others at volleyball, but her vibe is that of a leader. But she's welcoming of me, the newest member there.I'm happy I built this momentum._____________________________________________________ Good day. Lots of working out. Lots of volleyball. New people. New environment. The plan tomorrow: 1. review the next 2 chapters of ACLS course. (study in the library maybe or coffee shop?) 2. fill my budget sheet from last month, and update this month's. 3. learn about volleyball rules and regulations. Look up why the setter doesn't have to be in the middle front row. Look up *6 back or 6 front play, and what that means. 4. I'm supposed to go gym with my volleyball buddy. T

Thanks for sharing your journey! I totally get you when you talk about the cycle. How we've taken our attention from life and placed it into gaming. Then, we realize our life still sucks, so we game to escape that reality. I described a similar situation when I first detoxed. Best of luck to you man! I'm sure your life will turn out way better with this decision to detox.

Welcome to the journaling sub-forum Ant! I like how you explained gaming was "take it or leave it" in the beginning. Then it took over a part of your life. I've been on here for a while, but I love to read other people's experiences. We all share very similar experiences. And each stage of the process shares similar struggles. How you said "take it or leave it" is how I now feel about gaming, but there's always an allure even after not playing for 70 something days. I wish you the best in your journey! You can count on us here at the forum, whenever you feel down.

I hope you enjoy your school term this time around! It's definitely a struggle to start when there's some resistance to doing work. I can certainly relate. Best of luck to you! I'll be checking in.