A life without gaming

[Aleks]

Hey Simon. I stumbled today over your journal and read all of your posts this evening. Its really interesting and inspiring. One could say it is already your first book you wrote. Now that you have only few days left I really hope not to see you fail. Would be kind of disappointing. Would feel like to see a hero lose, resulting in a state of hopelessness. Do it god damn it!

Edited December 15, 2016 by Aleks

[Simon E]

Day 88: /Literally sleeping

Thank you all for your inputs and encouragement! Will answer tomorrow.

[Simon E]

Day 89: Okay so NVM. Slept 6h last night, which is just one bad night of many this week. I don't know what's up. Probably a combination of stress and physical factors (screens, too much fluids) etc. 

So basically, I'm off to sleep now. Kind of an anticlimactic report for my second last day of detox, but ehhhh. 

Despite my lack of sleep, I've felt really good - up until today. I have a lot of studying left, and some personal business to take care off, and unless I get my shit together, that may overwhel me.

SO, plan for tomorrow: get my shit together. Also, I supposed I'll write a long fancy post about what I've learned during my detox, woohoo. 

(I've passed 200 posts now?? Feels like I signed up yesterday.)

My bed is calling. Now I'ma get a solid 10h of sleep, and then tomorrow I'll piece everything together. G'night.

[Tatu92]

DUDE - Congrats on day 89! 

We need to blow something up tomorrow. I'm happy for you

[Piotr]

DUDE - Congrats on day 89! 

We need to blow something up tomorrow. I'm happy for you

So I guess it's 90 today? Gratz!

[Simon E]

Day 90: aaaaaaand it's here! Day 90! *fireworks and fanfares*

Ironically, I haven't been able to celebrate all that much today, since I pretty much just got home from a rather tough funeral (not someone too close to me, but kind of). That was hard, and it left me feeling sad and angry.

Despite that, I somehow managed to squeeze some happiness in today aswell (yep, my mind is a mess). It would be a shame to walk around depressed on a day like this, right? In fact, I'm off to see the new star wars movie with a group of friends soon, which is awesome, but it means that I'm in a slight hurry. 

As a result of the above, I don't think I'll write a massive post - I don't feel like it. I do not have any groundbreaking wisdom to share either, hehe. Sorry to disappoint.  

What I do want to do is thank you guys. Everyone who has read, written or appreciated any of my posts here on the forum. (Special shoutout to Cam for starting it in the first place). I said in one of my very first posts that I was scared of depending on others, but that has changed. I wouldn't have managed to come this far without you guys, and I'm glad to have you to depend on. 

@Aleks The hero wins! I didn't disappoint you  

@Tatu92 I blew up some fireworks for you, hope you saw them  

@Piotr Thanks alot!

I've come far from when I were gaming consistently. (*Cough* beware of bragging). I've written more than 40 000 words since I began the detox, I have been playing the guitar for almost everyday, and performed on a concert, solo. I've begun studying seriously. I've switched entirely to a vegan diet. 

These are a few accomplishments that I wouldn't have been able to achieve if I still were controlled by gaming. Whether or not I try it out again in the future, I have learned things that won't leave me. Most importantly, I've learned that I was able to quit games. I am a gamequitter. 

Thank you.

Edited December 16, 2016 by Simon E

[dandielionous]

FiReWoRkssssss

   

 

 

Gratz on 90 days!!!!!

 

Edited December 16, 2016 by dandielionous

[Aleks]

Congratulations! I'm happy for you. What are your plans for the future? Do you still want to play again after the detox is over? If you want to do so you should be really sure about it and reconsider it first. Maybe watch first some of Cams videos why you shouldn't play after your detox. Keep your streak for as long as possible. Anyway, the community is proud of you.

[Reno F]

Hey Simon, Congratulations! You're the man!

[SpiNips]

Awesome! Congratulations on achieving your 90 days!  

[Cam Adair]

WOOOO!!

Add your name to the record books.

[Simon E]

Day 91: Thank you so much for the congrats everyone!

I spent the first day on the other side by arriving home at 2, sleeping way too little, metamorphing into a burrito and at last feeling sorry for myself! JK, I'm actually happy. Ironically though, I'm not as happy about quitting for 90 days now as I would have been if I still felt the way I did when I was gaming, because now I've already grown used to a life free from games. Did anyone understand that sentence? 

Also, I'm still feeling sad after tomorrow (read above: funeral). The world feels smaller and colder now, and I get teary-eyed whenever I think about it. I shouldn't judge myself for feeling like this, right? I think it's natural, and I hope it'll pass. (At the same time I wish it would stay forever, because not feeling sad anymore means having accepted it, and I don't want to accept this shit. It shouldn't have happened, and life is cruel).

I'll stop there - my sadness may be contagious, and we wouldn't want that shit to spread, would we? Moving on.

@Aleks It's something I will have to think about. There's a few things that makes not think this is such a bad idea - even if I go back, I won't lose control completely. I never let myself sink below a certain point, even in the midst of gaming. I'll bring this up in a future post again, since it's not an option until school's over anyway.

So, the first half of today wasn't good. (Read above: burrito). But then I kind of regained control, and I've managed to pull of some studying. To make sure I keep my shit together tomorrow too, I'll have to plan for it. Actually, that's something I have to do more of at any time. It's important. I'm in a small funk atm, but at the same time, I know the possibility to bounce back is there within my reach, waiting for the time when I have enough energy to go for it. That's reassuring. 

Okay, enough of the rambling. To summarize; feeling slightly down right now, but ready to get back into business at any moment.

Peace.

We have the rest of our lives

 

[dandielionous]

If you can take or leave gaming then why do you want to go back to it?

 

[Simon E]

Day 92: 

@dandielionous Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. I'm a curious guy, so I want to see if I'm able to play again. I'll elaborate on this more soon, and then I would welcome any insights you guys might have.

Today I realized how important control is for me (disregard the irony in me contemplating to go back to gaming). I want to feel like I have a say in how I feel and what's going on. Feeling down, greasy and unproductive is killing me. I need to have plans, goals, habits etc. The first half of the day I felt like shit, but then I took  hold of myself, took a shower and did some exercise, and suddenly everything got so much better. 

I should get up and study now. There's only two days left (the third day barely counts, it's only 1 hour tops), but god is there alot left to do. Yep, I've been procrastinating. Don't judge.

Alright, I'm out. Feeling alot happier today than yesterday. Found a list of actions you can take to increase your levels of happiness "permanently"  (if you keep doing them). I'll give that a shot the coming days.

Peace.

[Simon E]

Day 93: Alright, so in theory, I could be able to play again this wednesday if I wanted to. Since I do not want to rush the desicion, I need to thoroughly think this through, something that is best done with a list.

Reasons it might be a good idea to game

• I'm a curious guy, so I don't think I'd be able to rest until I had given gaming a shot again.
• It might serve as a motivating factor. Right now, I spend a lot of time doing shit I do not really enjoy; facebook, youtube, league videos etc. If I had league to look forward to, I think I would be able to eliminate all these "Low Density-Fun activities" with the promise of something really enjoyable later in the day. Basically, I will be productive now, so that I can play later. (This might be a cop-out/band aid solution).
• It would add another layer/dimension to life. This is something I've discussed earlier in my detox. If I have productive, meaningful activities (writing, guitar, drawing) combined with a project that is purely fun (league), it would add a nice tension to life (if I am able to maintain balance between these two).

Reasons it might not be a really bad idea

•  I've quit for 90 days now, which means, I know that I am able to quit. Sure it was a struggle, but I have changed now, and so has my brain. If I go back, and it turns to shit, and I can use all my knowledge (and this forum), to quit again.
• Even when I were in the midst of my gaming addiction, I never did let myself sink beneath a certain point. I still maintained good grades, exercised, and on average never exceeded four hours of gaming per day (that still wasn't ideal, but it wasn't purely shit). I trust that I'm still like that.

Reasons it might be a really bad idea

• I might become addicted again, play 10 hours a day and waste a shit ton of my life. Yay. Tbh, I don't think this will happen, because I'll see it coming before it gets serious. 

My plan if I actually do game

• Make sure to get the high priority activities done before gaming (writing and exercising), and the other habits after/inbetween sessions. 
• Make sure to not let it interfere with my sleep schedule. 
• Make sure it doesn't exceed a certain time limit every day? (I hate setting time limits at all, for any activity, because it makes it feel... Meh. It might be necessary in this case though).

 

So. Right now I am leaning towards giving it a try during the holidays. I have some studying to do during that time aswell (it never ends), so it would be nice to alternate between studying and gaming. I would still journal here, to map out my feelings and eventually spot out if it's going to shit. (I could write out a trigger-warning if you guys might get cravings of your own from reading about it). 

Let me know what you think of this. I'll take note of your insights, but since I'm stubborn and dense (not entirely joking), I will probably make a decision of my own anyways. 

Peace. 

 

 

[Aleks]

This sounds reasonable. You could try it just to see how it feels and then share your experience. I think you should be able to stop gaming again if everything goes down. In fact I am also curious if you would be able to manage it.

On the other side... I don't want to be negative. However, I think the probability is high that shit will go down. Just saying based on my own experience. It's one thing to make a reasonable plan and to understand it intellectually. The problem is mostly that the brain doesn't give a fuck about your plans and logic. What happens is often that it might start good for the first couple of days and then a moment will come when you should stop playing and going to bed but for some reason you just won't be able. You will play all night long. Wake up late and probably play again. You will lose structure in your life and therefore get even more purely driven by your instincts of instant gratification.

But that's just my theory. I hope it will work out better for you. Do what feels right for you. But be conscious about your decision.

[dandielionous]

Day 93: Alright, so in theory, I could be able to play again this wednesday if I wanted to. Since I do not want to rush the desicion, I need to thoroughly think this through, something that is best done with a list.

Reasons it might be a good idea to game

• I'm a curious guy, so I don't think I'd be able to rest until I had given gaming a shot again.
• It might serve as a motivating factor. Right now, I spend a lot of time doing shit I do not really enjoy; facebook, youtube, league videos etc. If I had league to look forward to, I think I would be able to eliminate all these "Low Density-Fun activities" with the promise of something really enjoyable later in the day. Basically, I will be productive now, so that I can play later. (This might be a cop-out/band aid solution).
• It would add another layer/dimension to life. This is something I've discussed earlier in my detox. If I have productive, meaningful activities (writing, guitar, drawing) combined with a project that is purely fun (league), it would add a nice tension to life (if I am able to maintain balance between these two).

Reasons it might not be a really bad idea

•  I've quit for 90 days now, which means, I know that I am able to quit. Sure it was a struggle, but I have changed now, and so has my brain. If I go back, and it turns to shit, and I can use all my knowledge (and this forum), to quit again.
• Even when I were in the midst of my gaming addiction, I never did let myself sink beneath a certain point. I still maintained good grades, exercised, and on average never exceeded four hours of gaming per day (that still wasn't ideal, but it wasn't purely shit). I trust that I'm still like that.

Reasons it might be a really bad idea

• I might become addicted again, play 10 hours a day and waste a shit ton of my life. Yay. Tbh, I don't think this will happen, because I'll see it coming before it gets serious. 

My plan if I actually do game

• Make sure to get the high priority activities done before gaming (writing and exercising), and the other habits after/inbetween sessions. 
• Make sure to not let it interfere with my sleep schedule. 
• Make sure it doesn't exceed a certain time limit every day? (I hate setting time limits at all, for any activity, because it makes it feel... Meh. It might be necessary in this case though).

So. Right now I am leaning towards giving it a try during the holiday.

 

This is what we call stinkin' thinkin' Your disease is talking to you.

 

Edited December 19, 2016 by dandielionous
Looks like she's saying, "Go Play!"

[jonathon11]

Best of luck of your journey..

___________

game quitters

[Simon E]

@dandielionous It might be like that, but I doubt it. I do not feel any cravings at all - in fact, I feel completely "sober". My brain isn't screaming at me to go and play, I simply think it would be fun. That's why I could see this work out. 

We'll see. I'll be cautious.

[dandielionous]

@Simon E If you can take or leave it... Why do you need to go play?

 

[Tatu92]

It's always a tricky subject delving back into games. But I guess it depends where your goals are at, and why you tried to quit in the first place. 

[Simon E]

Day 94:

@Aleks Yeah, there's a significant probability it'll go to shit. But if it does, the harm isn't that big.

@dandielionous Well, techniqually I do not need to do anything. I want to give it a try, because I thought it through and came to the conclusion that it could be fun, if I can manage to control it. If it doesn't work, I'll accept that.

I finished the last two exams today. Tomorrow is just a quick finishing then I'm free from school for 2+ weeks. yaaaaaaaaaaay. Today I'll make a plan for the holidays (even if I do game, I have a lot of other things to do). 

That's it for me now. Signing out. 

[WorkInProgress]

Hey give it a try if you like. As long you are careful it can be an interesting experience. I tried it after my detox and failed miserable. But it showed me that gaming in moderation is (atleast for the foreseeable future) no option for me and made things clear. Other People just start playinga gain and stop after a short time, because they want more time for other activities. And others just enjoy to play a little if they have excessive amount of free time. Just be careful and honest to yourself if you test your ability to play games. It can be a slippy slope back into a hole you dug over the years.

[WorkInProgress]

Also have fun in your Holidays!

[Simon E]

So first off: Merry Christmas! (We Swedes - and probably a few other European countries - celebrate the 24th. Yeah, we're weird like that.)

I'm reporting in from behind enemy lines. The 21st of December I downloaded league, wrote to my one and only gaming companion, and thus broke my 94 days-streak.

The first day went well. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Sure, it was enjoyable, but not mind-blowing. That first day I managed to leave the computer at my designated bedtime too - even if I played slightly more than I would have liked, I still got other things done and I felt in control. 

Despite this, I didn't need more than one day to realize that I couldn't go back, not for real. It was painful to accept this, because I so badly wanted it to work. How did I know it wouldn't? Because the act of gaming is at violent opposition with who I want to become. You cannot have a growth mindset and play video games 4 hours a day. These are oxymorons. I cannot look life in the eyes and truthfully say I am on the right path when gaming. 

It's like trying to run a marathon while having a big rock tied to your body. Sure, it can be done, and you are moving forward, but at a much slower pace than if you'd cut it off. "But I've had some great memories together with this stone..." Cut it off. Burn every bridge and watch the wind carry away the ashes.

The following two days were just pure indulgence - "since I am going to quit again, I might aswell let myself have some fun first, right?" It wasn't terrible, as I managed to finish a few actually meaningful tasks before I got hypnotized by the games, but I can't say it was pretty. The second day I went past my scheduled bedtime by two hours, on the third (this night) I stayed up until 4 am, exceeding the time limit with like 7 hours. Yeah...

So today, on christmas eve, I'm leaving it behind me again. I feel like a complete, utter dick in regards to my friend, as I probably brought his hopes up. In fact, this isn't the first time it's been like that. I game, then disappear for weeks/months, only to come back with plans for us that can stretch months into the future, only to yet again disappear as I recoil from the gaming. Kinda like manic/depressive cycles.

I know it's my life, and I shouldn't keep gaming and thus remaining unhappy for anyone else's sake. Honestly, he'll probably fare better without me/games aswell, so maybe I'm doing him a favor. 

Enough with the rambling. Conclusion: I'm back. Even though the last three days left me feeling like shit, I've gotten some healthy insights: time is so valuable, and I actually have loads of it. Also, working on the right mindset is such a big deal too. 

I only have one last term left with my "high-school" class, (feels like I just met them) and I'm determined to make it a great one. 

Since I played tonight, I won't count this day as gamefree. This'll be Day 0. 

Hope you're all having a kickass christmas (or whatever it is you celebrate). Keep growing stronger, people!