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Simon E

A life without gaming

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Day 65: Time's passing quickly.

How do you make sure to alive amidst all of this life? How would it be possible to stay in the present every moment of every day? 

I want to be more alive, and less caught up in life. I want to experience all the things I've read about in the thousands of books that has passed through my mind - as a participant. 

Life is a playground, or nothing. 

This is true (quote from Mr. Nobody, go watch that movie). I want to view life as a kid might view his playground; as something terribly exciting. I want to love, smile, create, talk - fearlessly, boldly. 

Something I will have to work on. Do. Tomorrow.

Now, sleep.

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I fully understand you. For me, nothing worked better to feel like you described, than taking action. Get the work done to see that you have everything handled.

Greetings, Piotr.

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Day 66: Argh, school is overwhelming me. 

I need to get better at completely disregarding how I feel and just do the shit I have to do. If I'm at school and there's only a slight obstacle - me being tired, me being annoyed, shit being difficult - I just shut off and do nothing. This won't work. My time is valuable, and since I'll have to get the schoolwork done at some point I'm simply killing time by doing this. Killing in it's most literally sense.

Now I have to study. Which I will do.

See you tomorrow, if I survive.

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Hey, hey, hey,

find the balance between the schoolwork and relaxation. That's the key.

If you won't find it then either you will be overwhelmed by the situation or too lazy to do anything constructive.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Day 67: I'm experiencing conflicting feelings about times like these.

On one hand, I feel like curling inot fetal position and begin crying because I have so much to do.

On the other hand, I feel alive. Like these days are a challenge, a test; how much am I able to achieve in a short amount of time, how much pressure am I able to handle?

It's like I have declared martial law and entered some sort of super saiyan state. (I know we're just talking about school here, and there's worse things than school (gasp - I know, I'm surprised too) such as war etc, but still, lemme exaggerate)

I've been studying maths for 4 hours straight now, a feat I'll have to repeat tomorrow; now I'm onto the next assignment. No sleep yet.

That my report for the day. Going back into enemy territory now.

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Day 68: Thanks for your encouragement, guys.

@WorkInProgress Haven't heard that one before haha, thank you! 

I'm a bringer of bad news today - I think I'm getting sick. It would be the first time in more than a year though, so I guess I shouldn't complain. It sucks nevertheless. 

I'll get a bunch of sleep tonight and skip school tomorrow, hopefully I'll be able to defeat the illness before it really kicks in. 

Not feeling it today, so that'll be it. 

Hope you guys are feeling better than I am.

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Rest up and start hammering anything that can help you get better now. My favorites:

Oil of Oregano - health food store

Double up on Vitamin D (I take 5000IU daily, double if I'm feeling sick)

Lots of tea. Lots of sleep.

* This is not medical advice *

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Day 70: So I actually didn't write here yesterday, for the first time in like forever.

Had a fun day sweating and freezing in bed, yay for fever!

I've read two books and watched three movies so far; I lack the energy for anything else. Despite the obvious cons it's rather cozy/relaxing to lay in bed a whole day, simply resting and being taken care of. I'm grateful I have people who are willing to.

Feeling better today, but nowhere near back to normal. 

Thanks for the advice @Cam ! That's basically what I'm doing - if it were possible to overdose on green tea I would have already.

That's it for today.

(and holy shit, there's less than three weeks until I'm finished with the detox????)

Hope you're having a good day.

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Day 71:

@Tatu92 Thank you!

I'm improving, slowly but surely. 

I can almost feel how I'm falling behind with my schoolwork and my personal projects, but honestly? I can't be bothered. There's a big future ahead of me, and in less than a year almost every problem I face now won't matter at all. No need to fret. (If I could just remind myself to think like this all the time - my life would be so much easier)

I've been considering the possibility of becoming a cop (sounds silly in English; the word cop paints the picture of fat, narrowminded old guys munching donuts, but whatever). I think I would like the challenge, and that it's just so different from every other job. Nothing's set in stone, but it's an option. If any of you guys have any experience/insights about police work, lemme know.

That'll be it. I'll keep resting, and eventually bounce back from this shit. (I slept 12.5 hours tonight, didn't even feel guilty about it when I woke up ;) )

I lack the energy to read/write in any of your journals atm, but I hope that whoever's reading has a good day. Peace.

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Day 71:

@Tatu92 Thank you!

I'm improving, slowly but surely. 

I can almost feel how I'm falling behind with my schoolwork and my personal projects, but honestly? I can't be bothered. There's a big future ahead of me, and in less than a year almost every problem I face now won't matter at all. No need to fret. (If I could just remind myself to think like this all the time - my life would be so much easier)

I've been considering the possibility of becoming a cop (sounds silly in English; the word cop paints the picture of fat, narrowminded old guys munching donuts, but whatever). I think I would like the challenge, and that it's just so different from every other job. Nothing's set in stone, but it's an option. If any of you guys have any experience/insights about police work, lemme know.

That'll be it. I'll keep resting, and eventually bounce back from this shit. (I slept 12.5 hours tonight, didn't even feel guilty about it when I woke up ;) )

I lack the energy to read/write in any of your journals atm, but I hope that whoever's reading has a good day. Peace.

try police officer ;).

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Day 72: 

Still ill, still sick
This illness is a real... Dick

Shivers and sweat
I can't help but fret

When there's no fever left here
School will be right there

Waiting for me.

... Yeah!

*roaring applause* thank you, thank you!

 

*cough* Alright, disregard that please - let's move on to real business.

Apparently my brain decided that my life was too easy, so today I wandered innocently into the dark neighbourhoods of youtube, and spent 3 hours watching league videos. Yep, I broke my vow. Laying all alone in my couch, bored out of my senses and barely able to breathe, it was bound to happen, honestly. On the bright side I wasn't alone after that; some cravings showed up and offered to keep me company for a while. They're such pleaseant and selfess little things, aren't they?

Quick note - I won't ruin this detox attempt, whatever happens. Just so you know. That much is clear. But considering how much new stuff that has come to league, and considering how christmas holidays will arrive soon, I began thinking about playing again after the detox. Yeah I know, moderation is a big fat lie. Yeah, everything will go straight to hell. But... What could go wrong, right?

Let's hope those thoughts disappear before I'm done with the detox.

Things are looking kinda rough atm (as rough as can be in 21st Century Sweden, which isn't that rough). My body feels weak, I'm falling (futher) behind with all the schoolwork, and as always, I'm fretting about the future and what the hell I'm supposed to do. Is there any hope for me?

It's all in my head, I know. I'll bounce back. Stronger after being broken and all that shit, I know. I should make that my motto. 

I'm grateful for you guys. I hope you didn't get scared away by my attempt at poetry (not everyone can be as good as @flingaas)

Good day. (Night)

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Day 73: It's still pretty bad today.

I do not have much new to say. Watched more league stuff, which is bad. When I'm done with this sickness I'll have to muster some willpower and tell myself to stop, but not right now. These plans that appears in my head - pictures of me playing again, looking forward to the new league season - they do worry me. It would be really easy to let it happen during the winter school break. Oh well.

I'm going to try to turn things around tomorrow. Begin to get back on track. Return to the land of the living, kind of.

Peace for now.

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i learned from relapsing multiple times. that those little thoughts end up budding into flowers of action. 

snip them at the bud. trust me. any thoughts about playing games, just SNIP THEM AT THE BUD

if you've relapsed before, you will find that it started with those little thoughts. I'm at that point in my detox where I'm getting thsoe thoughts, but I SNIP THEM OUT. 

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Day 74: Feeling alot better today. I've actually managed to get some stuff done, and I didn't watch any league videos whatsoever. It's time for me to make a comeback.

*fetching hammer, superglue and old promises*

*loud noises*

Phew. Voila! Vow #2: No league content for the rest of the detox (videos, websites - nothing).

There we go. That should do it. Hopefully, this kills off all of my plans to play; if not, other actions has to be taken. (I sound like I know what I'm doing. Spoiler: I don't). We'll see what happens during winter holidays.

I'll be going back to school tomorrow. Then I can finally tell just how screwed four days of absence got me. Yay. 

About the future: the idea of becoming a cop police officer actually sounds inspiring. It's kinda hard to even get accepted into the  teaching program, and I like the challenge of that. There's tests and stuff (physical and psychological), which gives me something to practise for. I haven't decided yet, but I might go for that. (Ofc I'll keep writing no matter what I do - becoming an author will always be the main goal.)

Signing out

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I really like your commitment to abstain from league content for the rest of the detox. That make me feel less alone in my own commitment.

Remember, that you're not alone! :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Day 75: I'm really struggling now. It's been so long since I had cravings I had forgotten how tough it can be. Literally the only thing that's been stopping me from losing myself in league vids today is the promise I wrote down here. It made me realize how utterly fucked I would be if I didn't have this forum. 

@hycniejsy Thanks for remembering me. I hope things are easier for you.

Yet again I find myself stuck with the idea of fun. I need/want an activity that's just sheer fun, without the pressure that comes with creating (I'm a perfectionist, so I have a hard time being completely happy with what I create). I know gaming probably isn't the answer, since when looking back at league, it's terribly frustrating sometimes. But still, it's the best I can come up with. 

Argh. If how I feel know is any clue, I'll be right back playing after the detox. I won't completely descend into darkness, I won't allow myself that, but I will be playing. I might do that anyways, as an experiment; an attempt of controlling the gaming whilst cutting losses (playing but still keeping up with your other daily routines).

But that's still in the future. Now I have to focus on the pile of schoolwork on my desk. We'll be having atleast two tests every week until the holidays. Hello stress. Hello burnout. Bye spare time. 

Alright, it's not that bad. It would be bad if I still were the same person as I was when playing, but I'm not. I'm better now, and I know I can handle this. 

Argh. Whatever. 

I hope you're all better than this. Peace. 

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Day 76: Feeling alot better today. This has been one of those days when I feel truly alive - like I see the world through a lens, a peice of thin thin glass that makes everything sparkle. Those days are too few and too far between.

It disturbs me that I'm so obviously not in control of my mood. I have no idea why today was good, but yesterday sucked. It might have something to do with the first few moments after I open my eyes. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a few minutes in the morning to simply think positive thoughts, visualize the achievement of your goals etc. ? I'll give it a go tomorrow.

I love the feeling when you encounter a new activity and you know, you really know that's something that you'll have to learn. When exploring youtube today I came across a magic trick. It looked simple enough, but I couldn't get it right whatever I did. So I sat there for a long trying and trying, forgetting everything else. I realize it'll take a few days to learn even the simplest trick (atleast for a beginner like me), but it's nice to have that learning to look forward to. I've made a list of tricks I'm going to learn. Also, I've decided to keep challenging myself with the juggling. I've been stagnating lately - now it's time to learn a bunch of new cool tricks, and maybe even move on to 5 balls (I'm currently at 4.)

The cravings haven't disappeared altogether, but they're not as annoying today. The thought of relapsing doesn't scare me though. I'm alive, and life is amazing no matter what. I might give gaming another shot during the holidays, simply to see if I enjoy it. Cause that's the reason I quit, isn't it? Because I didn't enjoy it anymore. If I find that I still do not enjoy it, I'll just quit again. Easy.

A quick ramble, just letting things off my mind (not particularly interesting things, but still things. It can get crowded inside of my head if I let everything stay.)

Also, I've begun meditating more! Props to me. 

Peace, and happy weekend!

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