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Simon E

A life without gaming

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@Ironfly Thanks for your input. No I'm definitly not looking to find a single replacement activity (not as a permanent solution, atleast); in fact I have so much I want to do. But the ideal scenario would be just that; to find one thing to pour all my energy into, one thing to become a master at. That's kinda how I prefer it to be (but I can't see myself being happy if this one thing is school, although that'll have to be it for now atleast)

If there's something you plan dedicating your life to it would be pretty important for it to fill all necessary areas (constant growth, challenge, competetiveness, sociality). If you have to do different things to experience these four I imagine you would feel fragmented, no? Maybe not, that might just be me. Or maybe it's not the case even for me, I don't know.

huh! if you explain it that way it sounds actually pretty good. i've been looking for such a replacement myself to (not school as that isnt an option right now) but i couldn't find it just yet. I hope this goes well for you (i can certainly see the potential of the whole plan :). I will keep following your journal.

Sucess! Someone thought something I wrote made sense. This, my friends, is a great moment in the history of me.

Jokes aside, I thank you. I don't know if there exists such a thing (an activity equivalent to gaming in the sense that it's equally fulfilling) but I will keep looking, and I hope you will too (if you figure something out, let me know). 

 

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School is a place where you can find hobbies, hobbies such as biology, geology, music, religion, plastic arts, computer science and so on! You don't need to like everything that a school has to offer, just the disciplines you resonate with. Than devote your time to read and practice in those areas.

School depends. Depends on the mentality of the teachers and how they evaluate students, depends on the educational program, depends on time and space.

 " I have never let my schooling interfere with my education " - Mark Twain

 

Mark-Twain-Quote-4.jpg

I kind of agree with you, but I wouldn't have done so earlier in my life - I always found most parts of school boring (except swedish, where I got to shine) - but now I kinda do; the only thing required was a shift in my mindset. 

There's alot of stigma concerning school (atleast locally/in my social groups): if you liked school you were considered boring and dull. But honestly, what wrong is there with loving to learn new stuff? Nothing.

Thanks for your input.

Edited by Simon Ebbeståhl

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Day 15: Checking in. 

Went to the library with a friend and studied for the chemistry test tomorrow. My head is about to burst open with methane and oxidation and gas laws, but we managed to get through everything the test will feature, so that felt good.

When I got home I considered whether to go training or not, but decided against it, since I exercised yesterday (not a legit excuse but hey). Instead I made myself a snack and crashed on the couch, feeling really tired. After facing tempations and fighting an internal battle (which I lost) I watched some league videos (since I had some cravings. Did watching league material make the cravings go away? Surprise - no).

It all made me thinking (Oh no. Brace yourselves, people). I do miss the good times gaming has given me, but I realize I can't integrate gaming into a healthy lifestyle. But why is this? Because I'm addicted. Why am I addicted? Why won't everyone who play video games (or abuse heroin, or watch porn, or... Etc) get addicted? 

According to these guys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg addictions do not arise because of the high level of stimulation the thing (video games, drugs) provides you with, but because it caters to a certain basic human need unfulfilled in you. 

If you are lacking something fundamental in your life, you are more likely to become addicted (to what doesn't really matter)(The addiction isn't the cause, but the symptom of another problem - something many people here at GQ have realized). But if you live a fulfilling life with meaningful relationships, activities you love etc. you won't become addicted.

This might be why not everyone who does something potentially addicting gets addicted; either they already live a satisfying life, or atleast the specific fundamental need that the potentially addicting behavior caters to is already satisfied. 

So my question is: if I managed to build a meaningful existance for myself, would I be able to play video games without having to face the risk of completely losing control?

This raises alot of doubt.

1. If I have a meaningful and fulfilling life, maybe I wouldn't even want to play video games.
2. Maybe the video gaming would begin to compromise my improved life, and make everything collapse and fall to ruin again. 
3. Maybe my brain is already wired in a way that won't ever let me play video games (league specifically) without the dopamine production going ham and influencing every other part of my life.

I just thought it was an interesting idea, because that's something I envy in others and really would like for myself; to be in control of the gaming, and not the other way around. 

Because right now, I could play video games and still do all the things that has to be done (school, writing, guitar, exercise). How do I know this? Since alot of the time I'm really inefficient; minutes or even hours can go by where I just space off, drift into trains of thoughts, watch crappy youtube videos/netflix series etc. If I had gaming to look forward to, I believe I could eliminate all these timekillers and get my stuff done faster and better. The only problem is ofcourse that I have no control over it, so, currently it's not an option. But maybe control can be achieved?

IDK, maybe it's all wishful thinking. It was just an idea that crossed my mind and one I felt could be developed. If you have any insights or arguments against it (maybe believing me to be tremendously stupid for ever thinking such a thing), please let me know.

TLDR: Playing with the thought of gaming in a healthy way. Also describing my fascinating day of studying and dozing off in my oh-so-comfortable couch.

Signing out.

i tried this before. After 1 year and a half of not playing I was feeling and doing great! so i decided to try some games because i belived i have the will to stop when necessary..

Did it went this way!? Ofc. Not!! everyday stayed longer and longer and without knowing it I became addicted, again!  I always said to myself: if others can play and have a normal life, why can't I do the same? And here i fooled myself. The answer is: not all people are created equall: some are more sensible than others, sensible people will always tend to get addicted in places such as gaming.

If you are sensible don't play games, not even a bit, not even watching streams! Replace the games with something else, like sport for your body, books for your mind and traveling for your spirit.

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Day 15: Checking in. 

Went to the library with a friend and studied for the chemistry test tomorrow. My head is about to burst open with methane and oxidation and gas laws, but we managed to get through everything the test will feature, so that felt good.

When I got home I considered whether to go training or not, but decided against it, since I exercised yesterday (not a legit excuse but hey). Instead I made myself a snack and crashed on the couch, feeling really tired. After facing tempations and fighting an internal battle (which I lost) I watched some league videos (since I had some cravings. Did watching league material make the cravings go away? Surprise - no).

It all made me thinking (Oh no. Brace yourselves, people). I do miss the good times gaming has given me, but I realize I can't integrate gaming into a healthy lifestyle. But why is this? Because I'm addicted. Why am I addicted? Why won't everyone who play video games (or abuse heroin, or watch porn, or... Etc) get addicted? 

According to these guys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg addictions do not arise because of the high level of stimulation the thing (video games, drugs) provides you with, but because it caters to a certain basic human need unfulfilled in you. 

If you are lacking something fundamental in your life, you are more likely to become addicted (to what doesn't really matter)(The addiction isn't the cause, but the symptom of another problem - something many people here at GQ have realized). But if you live a fulfilling life with meaningful relationships, activities you love etc. you won't become addicted.

This might be why not everyone who does something potentially addicting gets addicted; either they already live a satisfying life, or atleast the specific fundamental need that the potentially addicting behavior caters to is already satisfied. 

So my question is: if I managed to build a meaningful existance for myself, would I be able to play video games without having to face the risk of completely losing control?

This raises alot of doubt.

1. If I have a meaningful and fulfilling life, maybe I wouldn't even want to play video games.
2. Maybe the video gaming would begin to compromise my improved life, and make everything collapse and fall to ruin again. 
3. Maybe my brain is already wired in a way that won't ever let me play video games (league specifically) without the dopamine production going ham and influencing every other part of my life.

I just thought it was an interesting idea, because that's something I envy in others and really would like for myself; to be in control of the gaming, and not the other way around. 

Because right now, I could play video games and still do all the things that has to be done (school, writing, guitar, exercise). How do I know this? Since alot of the time I'm really inefficient; minutes or even hours can go by where I just space off, drift into trains of thoughts, watch crappy youtube videos/netflix series etc. If I had gaming to look forward to, I believe I could eliminate all these timekillers and get my stuff done faster and better. The only problem is ofcourse that I have no control over it, so, currently it's not an option. But maybe control can be achieved?

IDK, maybe it's all wishful thinking. It was just an idea that crossed my mind and one I felt could be developed. If you have any insights or arguments against it (maybe believing me to be tremendously stupid for ever thinking such a thing), please let me know.

TLDR: Playing with the thought of gaming in a healthy way. Also describing my fascinating day of studying and dozing off in my oh-so-comfortable couch.

Signing out.

i tried this before. After 1 year and a half of not playing I was feeling and doing great! so i decided to try some games because i belived i have the will to stop when necessary..

Did it went this way!? Ofc. Not!! everyday stayed longer and longer and without knowing it I became addicted, again!  I always said to myself: if others can play and have a normal life, why can't I do the same? And here i fooled myself. The answer is: not all people are created equall: some are more sensible than others, sensible people will always tend to get addicted in places such as gaming.

If you are sensible don't play games, not even a bit, not even watching streams! Replace the games with something else, like sport for your body, books for your mind and traveling for your spirit.

Yeah I've thought like this too before, that maybe there's something that differentiates my video game tolerancy from others, maybe that's just the way I'm structured.

But the theory the from the video I linked argues that it's not about the activity, and it's not about who you are, it's about your current circumstances (whether you are fulfilled and happy). So, in theory, if I am fulfilled and happy, I would be able to play games despite my previous addiction.

I will wait until the 90 day detox is over though before I eventually try this out. (Probably won't work, since it hasn't worked ever before.)(Maybe, as I stated before, I will not even want to play then; I can't know, since I've never abstained from games that long in like nine years.)

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Never let a video nor a person ( be it friend or foe ) to decide for you. You collect data and decide what is good or wrong. Each individual from the start of the Creation to this very present is different. People gather in groups - called friends - depending on their belief systems.

What it works for someone might not work for you. Having the desire of coming back to the gaming chair is an indicator of one's will. Set a purpose in life, Who or What you want to be? And follow that road without seqrching for a map.

Few years ago, your words were mine.

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@Terra You speak sense, and I agree with the part about decisions, although I might argue when I make a decision based on what my addicted brain feels, it isn't really me doing it. That's really tricky though, what differs you form your brain? Isn't everything we feel simply caused by chemicals being released, and isn't everything we think just electric charges running through clusters of cells in our head? If your brain is addicted, is that addicted version of you your current reality? (Man, I miss my philosophy class :c )

Btw, if I may ask, are you a buddhist? Or hinduist?

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I believe that our body is just a machine controled by the spirit. The character of an individual is influenced by the following factors: birthday ( the astrological/ planetary alignments of ones birth ), sex ( male brain is rational oriented, female brain is emotional oriented ), ereditary genes ( good and bad ones ) and most important the age of the spirit. The brain activity does influence our character but its the root of the problem.

About the avatar now :). When i created the forum account i knew i had to let go of everything that reminded me of games ( gaming nicknames ), but at the same time i didn't felt like sharing my real name yet. So i tried an altruistic aproach; Terra - the planet we share. To reflect this name I was attracted by this statue of a Budha. As for my religion; im an orthodox christian but i look above the cup.

Edited by Terra

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Day 16: Another daily report. (Yup, these are daily now. Why? I've found that I absolutely need to arrange my thoughts on paper; I would probably go mad without doing it. Also, I need to get 1000 words written every day anyways, why not here?)

Had another thought about gaming (yeah, you can obviously tell I haven't been able to let go just yet). Whenever I'm about to deliberately relapse there's this excitement to life (let's disregard the immense feelings of guilt that also accompanies the relapse for now), and yesterday I decided to delve deeper into why that is. 

What I eventually realized is that life is alot better when it's "3-dimensional", and that's what gaming led to (or what it would have led to, if I had been able to control it). When you have an activity you find fun (and also competetive, I think; e.g. Climbing the ranked ladders in league, competing in a sport) and activities you find fulfilling but not necessarily instantly rewarding (studying, writing, playing an instrument), a certain type of tension is created, and this makes life a lot more exciting. You have this fun, judgment free project (for me: league) that you can look forward to, but you also have your serious, long-term stuff that's really meaningful to you. Essentially, there's two layers of life, and that makes it awesome.

That is, if you're able to keep it that way. What happens to me, and other people here, I suppose, is that the fun takes over, bleeds into the time you were supposed to spend on the productive stuff. When this happens, your life isn't 3-dimensional anymore, but 2-dimensional, and this doesn't make you happy, inspite of all the fun you can have. Humans need both fun and fulfilling stuff.

Now, when gaming isn't a part of my life, I find myself on the other side of the spectrum. I have all these long-term, fulfilling activities (for me: writing, drawing, playing the guitar, exercising, studying etc), but I do not have anything I do to only have fun, to relax (sure, I read, but compared to the fun gaming gave me it's kinda underwhelming). And so, despite being productive and shit all day long, I find myself unhappy, empty, kinda lacking purpose. 

This makes me yet again wish I was able to play in moderation, so I could achieve this balance between two dimensions, but obviously, I can't right now (I'm still nurturing the naive idea of me being able to play again some day in the future, although I'm not certain if I'm the one hoping this, or if it's because of chemical reactions in my brain)(Damnit brain, leave me alone for once).

The main point is, I have to find something to do that's fun (an extra plus if it's competetive and social aswell), unless I wanna become a depressed workaholic. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know. (If anyone managed to get through this wall of text, lol. Not so sure about that.)

Ramble over. 

A more relevant update; I picked up the Slight Edge again late last night, and began reading on a random page. I'm going to start saving money (or investing in some kind of fund (is that how you say it?)), and read 10 pages of non-fiction everyday, starting with the Slight Edge. (I have read it before, but I think it's tremendously important to get in the right mindset everday.)

Off to school now, about to ace that chemistry test. (Made a bet with a friend; the one who scores the lowest owes the other one a coffee. Yeah, this is serious business.)

Peace, and have a great day :9999

 

TLDR: Ehm. Dimensions and shit. 

Edited by Simon Ebbeståhl

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Abort mission. I repeat, abort mission.

I kinda fucked up the chemistry test, and not in a good way. By fucked up, I mean I won't get an A. I might be too hard on myself for feeling sad over that, but still, it sucks. Whenever I don't do something perfectly I feel like there's something lacking of me as a person; basically, I have a really hard time differentiating what I do from what I am.

The day started off pretty nicely, but after the test I got kinda depressed. I'm watching way too many league videos right now, something that's happening when I'm tired or sad, and I have to stop really bad, cause I can feel the cravings leaving whatever hellhole they reside in and making their way over here. 

Argh. 

During my darker moments I sometimes wish I didn't feel the need to quit gaming; I wish that I didn't have all these dreams and ambitions and were content with sitting hunched over a screen all day and all night long. 

Cause really, it's all subjective. Happiness, fulfillment, sucess. These are all terms unique to every human, every living being. There is no right path to walk in life; if one finds happiness through playing video games they are just as sucessful as a billionaire or a president.

But, unfortunately, I want more from life than achieving a bunch of virtual goals and getting raged at over the internet by prepubescent boys. 

Life is hard (this phrase does not carry alot of weight when written by a spoiled 18 year old westerner, but hey, I'm entitled to feel miserable too, right?)

Alright, it's not as bad as it sounds. I doubt I will come close to risking a relapse this week, since I'm busy all the time. I just felt the need to complain about my silly problems for a while.

Disregard this post.

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Cause really, it's all subjective. Happiness, fulfillment, sucess. These are all terms unique to every human, every living being. There is no right path to walk in life; if one finds happiness through playing video games they are just as sucessful as a billionaire or a president.

But, unfortunately, I want more from life than achieving a bunch of virtual goals and getting raged at over the internet by prepubescent boys. 

Exactly. You are right that it is all subjective, and, at least in my experience, I knew I desired more than what I got from gaming. The dark moments or frustration or sadness came from my resistance to my true self. Good book on that is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

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Day 17: Kinda weird day.

Got home late from the krav maga yesterday, and so we ended up with the fearsome combination of me + lack of sleep + school. It usually equals disaster, but today was an exception to some degree. During the entire school day I kinda just hung around, felt complete contempt for everything and everyone (except some of my classmates, they're the only reason I survive day's like these, and except for music - literally had earphones plugged in the entire time). Couldn't really focus on schoolwork at all, but that's fine, I think. I can just catch up later/on the weekend (if I even have to, some lessons are basically just a big clown fiesta; we're not doing anything anyways).

After school we had some kind of undergraduate (I do not now the term in english) contest, the first of many. The class that's achieved the highest score when all these are over will be the first class to run out when graduating, the class with the second highest score will be the second class to run out etc. 

In the contest that took place today, you got points for your class by doing a variety of weird to crazy stuff, like hugging a police officer, bringing a donkey (??), swimming in the sea (this is not as pleasant as it sounds, since it's basically 2-3 degrees Celsius here atm), bringing the biggest dildo (don't ask me, I didn't make up this shit) and, ofcourse, getting a tattoo.

It seems we're the only sensible graduating class on the school, since we're the only class in which no one got a tattoo. (And it's not like you can choose your tattoo yourself, it has to be something made up by the ones that came up with the list.) It all made me question the intelligence of the average human, a topic I can rant on forever about but I'll limit myself to this; I find myself seriously disappointed more often than not. 

I honestly can't bring myself to care about these things as much as everyone else seems to do, prom, the graduation day, the parties. Lasting happiness isn't achieved on single occasions, and especially not by doing stupid shit.

Idk, I'm just confused. Most (atleast the ones I've befriended) of my classmates are mature and open-minded, but even they get stupid about this stuff, and I don't get it. I do not expect you guys to have an answer either, I just felt the need to write it down (and the need to get to 500 words.)

Also, I'm having a few cravings atm. I think it's because of the fact that I lack an acitivity I can do for high-density fun, and also because I'm watching league videos (which is just retarded, but it's kinda comforting with something that's familiar)

Considering starting with some kind of goalsetting/gratitude writing thing here, but not right now. I will keep the journal limited to my weird thoughts and strange observations from life.

 

TLDR: nothing interesting. Me getting confused by human stupidity. Tattoos and big dildos. 

Edited by Simon Ebbeståhl

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LOL! The best TLDR I've ever read! I really enjoy reading your journal, as I can relate easily! 

Also from your previous post: "During my darker moments I sometimes wish I didn't feel the need to quit gaming; I wish that I didn't have all these dreams and ambitions and were content with sitting hunched over a screen all day and all night long."

I know exactly what you mean! I often find myself pissed because I expect more of my life than being good at a game, and I get jealous of those who don't! It's so silly! How did I allow game developers and addicts be part of defining who I am and what I like?

You got this, man! Keep it up! When you look back at this period of your life you'll be so thankful that you made the decision to stop!

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@flingaas Nice to hear that someone can relate (I also lol'd a little when writing that tldr)

Yeah, it's pretty dumb of me to wish I were satisfied with that kind of life, and I should let go of that wish. I want more, and to deny that would be to deny my very nature (spoiler alert: you don't want to do that). So I'll listen to the voices I've ignored up until now and begin building something great.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your input!

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Day 18: Writing the # of days is cool and all, but it feels kinda silly for me, since it's been quite a while since gaming was the main focus of my life (I've only been gaming for around 8 days out of the previous 95 or smth). But nvm, it feels good, so I'll keep doing it. (And it's not like I can't relapse at any moment. Like now. ...or now.)

Today was better than yesterday, which is probably because of more sleep. (I've found that my mood is closely (like, really closely) correlated to the amount of sleep I get. 9 hours or more; I'm unstoppable, nothing is impossible, I can almost fly. Less than 9 hours (or, gods forbid, less than 8); kill me please.

Alright, it's not that bad, but you get the point. Hence why I'm really careful with my sleeping patterns and stuff (although school and life gets in the way more often than I'd like).

I've been thinking, and I feel like I should pick up my writing for real. I have a good idea for a novel (with good I mean: I would like the read it myself), but I do not really know how to turn it into a novel. (Ofcourse, by writing, but there's more to it than that. If I get halfway into it and it suddenly doesn't make sense I would have to do it all over again, and I don't want that.)

I do have alright writing habits though; I write here and in private, and lately I've been getting close to 1000 words every day (probably bcz I'm spamming this forum. Sorry :S ). I also attend a writing course once a week (something I started recently), so I have someone to ask all my questions. 

If I do write a book, it will most likely be a dark fantasy/young adult kind of book (you know the deal; morally flawed main characters, psychiological twists and turns), simply because that's what I find interesting. I hate books about perfect, idealistic characters that fart butterflies and puke rainbows, stories where everything is fine in the end. Scratch that, I don't hate them, if I did I would have nothing to read, but they get dull after a while (a while being +1000 books read). The few odd ones out are refreshing, and I hope mine would be aswell. 

 

Now I'm off to the previously mentioned writing class, and after that it's time for krav maga. I apologize for the lack of deep, philosophical thoughts lately, that well is dry at the moment. I'll be back with those later.

Peace, and have a great day!

TLDR: Me getting serious about my ambitions. Also declaring my love of sleep.

Edited by Simon E

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Today was better than yesterday, which is probably because of more sleep. (I've found that my mood is closely (like, really closely) correlated to the amount of sleep I get. 9 hours or more; I'm unstoppable, nothing is impossible, I can almost fly. Less than 9 hours (or, gods forbid, less than 8); kill me please.

I have found the same. Sleep (7 1/2 - 8 hours) is essential for me, and as much as I can I try to set my week up under that foundation. 

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Today was better than yesterday, which is probably because of more sleep. (I've found that my mood is closely (like, really closely) correlated to the amount of sleep I get. 9 hours or more; I'm unstoppable, nothing is impossible, I can almost fly. Less than 9 hours (or, gods forbid, less than 8); kill me please.

I have found the same. Sleep (7 1/2 - 8 hours) is essential for me, and as much as I can I try to set my week up under that foundation. 

Yeah, sleep really is fundamental, in the same way as breathing and drinking water, and I believe it should be treated with at least the same amount of respect. It essentielly determines the quality of your day, and over the long term, the quality of your life.

On that note; I really have to sleep right now, lolz. The writing-and krav maga classes were nice, as they usually are. I like the complete contrast between those, and honestly all of my activities. 

(showing the world you can be a book nerd and be able to kick people's ass at the same time)

Oh right. Sleep.

Peace and good night. (Probably sounds weird to all americans for whom it's bright day atm, but hey. You can take a nap or smth)

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Slepe is SO important! It feels like you can never get enough of it! I'm glad you figured :D Also exciting to hear you've picked up writing for real! Don't let go of your novel.

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Day 19: I'm beginning to know what all the "grownups" mean when they say that time passes so quickly. 

The days seem to slip through my hands like sand, faster and faster, and I can't do anything but watch them disappear. I'm just 18, but still, it feels like moments ago when I were in middle school, and even though I absolutely hated most parts of it (my main focus was surviving the school days so I could get home to my computer), through the lens of nostalgia I can almost tell myself it was cozy, to some degree. The world was alot smaller back then, you know? The difficulty level was lower - thing's seemed more possible. You weren't as tired or as responsible or as worried about the future as you are now.

I knew less, but I felt freer, in a way. 

The whole idea of living in the present is so hard to grasp, too. How do you do it? By not thinking? By just slowing down, feeling? It's impossible to defend yourself against the screaming thoughts and the always present distractions.

And even if you suceed, even if you truly experience the now, the moment will soon be gone, turned into nothing more than a dear memory never coming back, leaving only the bitter taste of nostalgia on your tounge as proof of its existance. 

I had a silly theory about how your sensation of time accelerates depending on your mass, since the difference in ones mindfulness between childhood and adulthood really is massive. Really, the only time in our lives where we don't fret about the future is when we are kids. The way we embraced every moment - every day - with excitement, made something epic out of it. Life was an adventure unlike any video game. 

Maybe this is because, when we are kids, a year or a day is quite a big part of our current lifetimes, and so, we treat it that way, like another huge chunk of our lives, something new and valuable to explore. Unlike now, when we are older, and anonymous years pass by unnoticed, just another one added to the pile, just more of the same shit. 

Also, I've always wondered how, let's say a fly, experience time. They only live a few weeks at maximum, but do they feel it that way, or do their weeks feel like the way we experience years? Do their lives pass by their eyes in seconds, or do they last a lifetime?

Maybe I should meditate more. 

 

My daily share of thoughts. Time is a peculiar thing, really. (Also, I'm close to day 20. Yay. I still feel like an imposter.)

TLDR: Time, melancholia, nostalgia. (Pretty words)

 

Edited by Simon E

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You are so philosophical! And you express yourself in such a beautiful way! Seriously man, I'm having a crush on your journal! :D

You could start writing more! Poems? Songs? Or a gratitude/experience log! That way you can sit down, look back at the past and marvel on the good memories and tough lessons you've learned. I think one of the main reason time flies is we never take time to stop and review! - Yes! Meditate more :)

Also, be true to who you are! You can still be adventurous like a child! Don't allow the system to limit you. You don't have to follow the system of Western materialism.

Sleep well! 

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You are so philosophical! And you express yourself in such a beautiful way! Seriously man, I'm having a crush on your journal! :D

You could start writing more! Poems? Songs? Or a gratitude/experience log! That way you can sit down, look back at the past and marvel on the good memories and tough lessons you've learned. I think one of the main reason time flies is we never take time to stop and review! - Yes! Meditate more :)

Also, be true to who you are! You can still be adventurous like a child! Don't allow the system to limit you. You don't have to follow the system of Western materialism.

Sleep well! 

Thank you. Really. Your words mean alot. The judgemental voices inside tend to soften when I recieve compliments such as yours :) 

I usually write alot on my local word app on the ipad; novellas, poems, fragments of stories, thoughts, but since I've been busy lately (or just bad at managing my time) I've prioritized writing here, since it doesn't really matter where I write my words as long as I get to 500-1000, and journaling releases a lot of weight from my shoulders. I will try to get back to the fictive writing though.

Thanks again for your input!

 

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Day 20: (Warning: a boring and puke-inducing text of positivity below)

Todays report will begin and end on a more positive note than the last one (or basically any post in this journal)(that doesn't really say much, since they're all pretty depressing, but hey).

I've been in quite a funk lately; a meh-mindset, and this is because I forgot something fundamental, something @Cam Adair keeps stressing: quitting games is only the first part. Since I've suceeded with this one, I expected life to get better. I've been waiting, reacting to everything that comes along. 

Last night I felt some sort of revelation; I've quit games, but now it's time for part 2, which is: improving my life. And that is up to me (this doesn't take a genius to conclude). Life wont get better automatically, not if I just sit here and react to whatever comes down the road. I have to act. 

(This is all kind of obvious, but it hit me pretty hard yesterday).

I won't become who I want to be or achieve what I want to do unelss I act upon those dreams. 

(This all stems from reading the Slight Edge again. Honestly, if you who are reading this haven't read the slight edge, I urge you to go and get it right now. It doesn't matter if you buy it, borrow it, steal it; just read it. Every human being should do so.)

When realizing the fact above, I all of a sudden felt hopeful and excited for the first time in a month. I've already begun consciously implementing the principle in my life, e.g. When I'm tired and about to get to bed early, I think to myself; I could do some drawing first. And some guitar. And some meditation. Just a few minutes of each activity, and still it feels so good to be doing it. I'm certain that if I hadn't had the slight edge in mind I would've simply gone to bed. ("What fucking difference is me drawing another damn eye going to make?")

Also, I was struck by the thought that the slight edge surely works with thoughts aswell. If you think negative thoughts all the time, you will end up with such a mindset (a mindset heavily limiting your decisions). It's not hard to change your thoughts. The hard part is realizing you have to change your thoughts in the first place. Now, when aware of it, I catch myself thinking "that's impossible", "argh, do I have to deal with that too?", "oh god, I have so much stuff to do" way too much. Even if you do not believe it, or see how it would be possible, changing your thoughts is the easiest thing in the world. "I can do that. No problem." If nothing else, this makes the negative thoughts leave you alone for the moment, so you can focus on what you have at hand.

For the future I will:

  1. Begin saving money, and looking into stocks/funds (inspired by both the financial focus in the slight edge, and also by a friend who's into that stuff). I've never cared about money before, and I know it doesn't result in happiness, but honestly, does it hurt? You can do alot of amazing stuff with money.
  2. Begin looking into freelance writing (I got really inspired by reading (read: lurking in) @Marquess 's journal), through sites like fiverr and iWriter. It could be fun to try out atleast, and also to earn some money.
  3. Begin creating a structure for my novel/fleshing out the core idea. Having this project to work on, I feel, would give my life a somewhat greater purpose (than my currently non-existing purpose). I love reading and writing, and honestly, I believe I could write a book that woud sell decently well. 
  4. Simply decide. Decide to be curious, ambitious, energetic. Happy.

This is it for now, I believe. Not a too interesting post, but one I had to write. 

Also, I don't think my current method of flirting is working (staring at the girl I like until she makes a move). 0 sucess so far, but I will not give up!

Jokes aside: this is probably the area where I'd rate my chance of sucess the lowest. Ask me to become a doctor, prime minister or best-selling author: sure, no problem. Ask me to consistently talk to/ask out girls: NOPE. I'm out. 

I'm a pretty hardcore introvert, and I've also been pretty shy up until recently. Now I can talk to people without dying inside (great, right? I deserve a prize or smth). I've also had bad self-confidence, but that has healed too. I can for the moment agree not too hesitantly to me being atleast somewhat interesting and somewhat attractive. Yay.

That is something I'll have to work on, and I'm open to insights, as always. 

An extra apology for this bible. If you were paid for reading my shit, I would pay you more for this one. :^)

PEACE. 

TLDR: Me embracing the genius inside of me and realizing I'm responsible for my life. (That's enough of the applauds, thank you, thank you.)

Edited by Simon E

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A quick complement to the daily report; the slightly negative news. 

I watched a short league video and apparently there's some honestly exciting changes coming to the game. Aquiring this knowledge resulted in a short outburst of cravings, pretty high up the scale. 

But considering these news carefully and logically, I made some things clear. The changes won't be implemented until next season (which starts in January sometime next year), and since this season is close to over I have no reason to play in the coming months, so I can deal with the new changes next year, when I've, hopefully, gained some perspective. 

I will go through with the 90-day detox, and decide then. I can't trust myself on making the right decision now, considering the heavily affected state my brain is in, and also, it's not even of any meaning right now. 

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Day 21: The sparring trainings are truly golden. It's fun, it's relieving, and it's so awesome to feel yourself getting better (landed some pretty nice blows to my opponent today, instead of being a punching bag as usual).

What happens afterwards isn't as good though. Quite the opposite. I get tired, I lack motivation -> I watch league videos -> I get cravings. Seriously considered (considering) relapsing in a close future. I miss playing Syndra, I miss chatting with my close gamer friend from four years back, I miss dominating over people and losing myself in the magic of the game.

But I know it'll feel like shit if I relapse, and also, I'm too busy to even relapse properly. Playing for one hour then quitting again would be utterly meaningless. 

This is all so silly and pathetic. 

Luckily I have scheduled a thing that'll force me to leave the house and meet people in an hour, but I do not feel excited at all. I'm just angry and low. I know it's possible to make a mindset shift, to let go of the anger and start thinking positively, but the thing is; when I am like this, I don't want to be happy, I don't want to smile and forget about the whole thing. That would, in a twisted way, feel like giving in.

I don't want to be angry but I also want to be angry. Fantastic. 

--

Absently checking the clock after yet another video makes it worse. Time is passing and I have things I need to do, things I, deep  down, want to do. But that would require effort, willpower, energy. Oh look, another video.

 

I'm not going to play today. That's it. I'm going to feel miserable and sad and furious and I won't get anything done, but I'm not going to play. Eventually the day will end and so will the cravings. I'll attempt to hold on until then. 

Edited by Simon E

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Whenever I miss League I do so because I remember the moments of going Legendary. When I would dominane, and no one could stop me. The thing is, chances are you'll get a leaver or play terrible and hate yourself for allowing this to happen.

Being only on day 4, I'm not experienced enough to know what to say, yet. All I can think or is this: remind yourself how you felt before quitting, remind yourself why you quit and focus on where you want to be in 1 or 5 years.

I doubt you wanna go back to how you felt before you quit. And man, you're full of talent and skillsets beyond the world of League! I hope you get to enjoy whatever you had planned :)

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