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NEW PODCAST: Can You Still Play Games on the Weekend?

Simon E

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About Simon E

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  1. @Hitaru You're amazing. Really. I went over to "stop gaming" on reddit, read through like 30 posts, cried over some tragic ones and how much I recognize myself in their suffering. At some point during the two hours I've sat here, the cravings faded. Then I came back here, saw Hitarus reply and kinda cried again (if it can be called crying; my eyes become wet, that's basically it, lmao. Maybe I should be worried about not being able to truly cry). I'm considering deleting my account (again). I did last fall, with my real one, the one I invested thousands of hours and hundreds of dollars in, but I made a new one. I think that one has to go, too. I will get through this. I decide. Now I'll go have dinner with my mom, then I'll go to bed. Tomorrow I'll wake up, and the day after that, and the day after that, and one morning one day I will be okay and gaming will then only be a memory. We will all be fine. <3
  2. Day 2: I think I'm dying. ARGH. The cravings are intense. My heart is trying to tear itself apart; one side wanting so desperately to play, the other anything but that. I've found that the biggest challenge is that you become your own enemy. You trick yourself into believing, actually BELIEVING, that you want, deserve, need to play again. How do you protect against that? You can't. It's impossible. How do you fight an urge whilst simultaneously being somewhat convinced that following through with the desire is the right thing to do? ??? I want to play. I make plans in my head, visualize how it'll feel sitting there being in the game, formulate ways I'll make it a justifiable part of my schedule by using it as a reward. I want to play. But I don't. Right? Surely I do not. Do you understand the struggle? Of course you do. You're in a gamequitter-forum. Silly me. @Hitaru That's excellent advice Hitaru; rather, it would be, if my brain functioned as it fucking should. Now, it's neither willing nor able to comprehend and accept what you're saying. But thank you, anyway. I'll come back and read it later. What do I do now? I might go and play. That's inches away from happening. Or I might not. I'll let the gods flip their indifferent coin and see. They decide if tomorrow is day 3 or day 1.
  3. I read through the last two pages of your journal, and I simply wanted to tell you how much I recognize myself in your words, and how interesting it is (...does these bland comments actually mean something...? It's genuine though, I swear.)
  4. Day 1: ... I've failed the media detox a couple times. Also relapsed to gaming once, following the same old pattern. (One day, then deleted) It begins with this longing in my chest, an aching feeling, and I HAVE to soothe it with something familiar: league content, the channels I used to watch, voices I recognize. Narratives I can anchor to, when everything is uncertain. After that, I'm not far from downloading and playing league for a "couple hours". The voices in my head are good at justifying this behavior. Good news: I now have not one, but two, jobs. In addition, I've commited to practice driving for real, and plan to get my drivers licence in perhaps three to four months. So thats that. But it's hard to feel happy when there's this mixture of sadness, nostalgia and craving boiling inside your chest. I need some insights. Help. My life is good, I have habits, meaningful relationships etc. I just can't give all this the deserved attention when a part of me refuses to let gaming go. It disrupts my momentum relapsing every other week. It messes with my self-image: how can I consider myself successful while still obviously suffering from addiction? What should I do? Distance myself from all gaming content? How do I not give in to the desperate need for familiarity that my gaming channels provide? I would be thankful for anything you might have to say. The plan for now is to simply restart. Try again. Fall seven times, stand up eight, you know the deal. No gaming whatsoever No league content No series/movies Hope you're all well.
  5. As someone who previously have had a "no go"-attitute towards all drugs, I'm now beginning to reconsider. I've heard from many sources that psychedelic drugs can have profound and long-lasting (permanent?) effects on your life (self-perception and view of the world.) Is this true in your experience? Would psychedelics be something you might recommend? (Of course the practicalities of taking drugs is a whole other deal, but theoretically)
  6. I am also on a sort of media detox, and I agree with you, it's almost more challenging than quitting video games, since media is such a core part of the lifestyle we live today. Interesting how you describe the hole, as I've come to same conclusion. Media consumtion doesn't actually fix anything, it just temporarily fills the hole for you. Good luck with this
  7. Never apologize for ranting, stick your chin out and write those bibles (in all seriousness though, this is the place to rant). Also, applause on transitioning to a vegan diet. It might be tough in the beginning, but stick with it, I promise it'll be worth it.
  8. Day 1 of 90 Rules for this detox: No video games whatsoever (PC, consol, mobile)No watching video game content (primarily league of legends content, but not exclusively. Also includes pewdiepie-esque content)No watching TV-series or movies (unless in live company) No excessive reading (only allowed during predetermined times) The purpose will be to move away from this consumer-mindset I'm in, where I'm always looking to escape into something else. As you see that includes all sorts of consuming, not only in relation to gaming. Hopefully 90 days without anything in this fashion will give time for my brain to re-wire itself, and let the constant cravings fade away. I'm well aware that quitting isn't sufficient in itself, so I will also use these three months to build a foundation for myself, implement the many concepts I've learned from personal development and make some long-needed changes. Current situation: Unemployed (somewhat by choice; I've been picky about what jobs to apply to, not wanting to work full time since I have so many strong interests)No drivers license (also by choice; said interests seemed back then more important than practicing driving) These two things are really beginning to eat away at my self esteem, since they're a given for "all of my friends." Intelligence, ambition and a bunch of creative skills in all due glory, but what's that worth without essentials such as income or the ability to drive? Thus these are the things I will tackle first. Other issues to be overcome: An intense fear of opening up and being vulnerable. Seriously, I can't, not with anyone, and it's painful and, honestly, stupid. I have people willing to listen and willing to love me if I just let them, so the challenge lies in mustering up enough courage to talk and gradually move out of my shell. (Even writing here is highly uncomfortable.)That I have no idea what to do with my life. (Recently read "So good they can't ignore you", which eased my anxiety about this slightly, but it still bothers me a lot, and is something I will continue to explore).A myriad of smaller things that I will deal with in due time, such as social skills, time management etc. That's it for today. I aim to journal every day of the week, but since this thing called life exists, four out of every seven days might be a more reasonable number. Tomorrow I'll be back with a template for future journaling. Hope you're all having a great day.
  9. So... I've relapsed twice in the last 14 days. Two day-long binges, contained within their respective 24 hour blocks. The second one happened today. Nothing terrible, no permanent damage done - as in no risk that I'll begin playing regularly again - but it still screws with my momentum and my self-esteem. Perhaps most importantly, the relapses reveal that not everything is okay. Obviously. I've yet to identify the exact cause, but I think it stems from a combination of wide issues. I finished high-school this summer, and I think that struck a heavy blow on my sense of belonging and purpose. Now I feel lost - something I mentioned in my last post. (And I noticed your answer to that one, @Hitaru. Please don't think I rudely ignored you ) This led to the decision to begin another 90-day detox. I need the sense of direction, the man-in-the-mirror-effect of writing here, and maybe primarily, your insight and support. Right now I'm still in the aftermath of the relapse (I'm certain you know the feeling), so I'm in the wrong state to make further plans, but I have to say I do feel optimistic for the future. You'll see more of me
  10. There's a lot of self-reflection, but I doubt this much self-loathing would do you any good. Try to build counter-habits like reading or exercisings since just avoiding youtube won't work. Or do 20 push-ups every time you open YouTube page) I understand how the post might come across as self-loathing, but that isn't quite correct. Despite how it might seem I actually hold myself in pretty high regards. What I did loathe though was my behavior. Considering where I want to go and who I want to become I cannot indulge in things like that. So I would argue that my harsh words stem from love rather than loathing. Yeah, I guess they do, but their inevitability doesn't make them more pleasant. Thanks for your advice; I've heard much well spoken words about the ketogenic diet, but since I'm a pretty strict ("strict" sounds awfully boring but yeah) vegan I doubt it's anything for me I do not usually have cravings so I think I'll manage.
  11. There's a cloud over my head as I write today's post, a rainy and thundery one, throwing small lightning bolts at me. One thing I have come to despise more than anything is losing control over myself. Sure, most people probably wouldn't place that high on their list of pleasures, but I think gaming has made me develop a certain kind of hatred towards it. Because that's what it was, no? A lack of control. I couldn't keep myself from sitting down in front of the screen, over and over again, despite it killing my relationships, my dreams, my very body. The keys to my own brain were kept out of reach from my desperate fingers. And thus, there's now nothing I dislike more. Which brings me to today. For the third day in a row I've, when eating lunch at home, watched gaming videos on youtube, and eaten chocolate, then proceeded to spend a good couple hours on the couch. Big deal, you might say? Well yeah, since that's not what I do anymore. I thought I had overcome those weaknesses. I thought I was beyond that. They say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Fool me trice? I must be a special kind of stupid. The first two days it wasn't all that bad. I regained control, and managed to save the afternoon. Today, not so much. Four hours consuming shit-content on youtube. Skipped the rehab-exercises I was supposed to do, skipped running. Skipped living. I refuse to let this course of action repeat itself. Tomorrow I won't bring my iPad to lunch; instead I'll continue my re-read of Deep Work. Nor am I putting any more chocolate into my body; having abstained so long from sweets and everything unhealthy, it reveals itself as the poision it is. I feel ill after eating it, but in the moment, oh is there anything more tempting? My waking hours weren't a complete failure though. I did some quality writing in the morning, and met with a guy at the job center (as I graduated this summer I suppose I should label myself as unemployed now? Nah. I prefer the title "Aspiring Author".) To avoid having this post turn into a bible, I'll call it quits there (even though I'm far from satisfied). Next time I'll begin experimenting with creating a permanent journal layout/format. Hope you're all having a great day (and more productive than mine )
  12. Glad I could be of help I surely recognize myself in that fear of writing you mention (which is troublesome... Since I aspire to become an author). The only solution seems to be pushing through, writing despite the risk it might turn to shit. "Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain." Emerson was a wise man. Happy to see things are going better for you again (even though it's slightly uncomfortable/scary. Guess what? It's supposed to be )
  13. It's been long since I had cravings, but I still remember how tough they can be. Just ignore them and they'll tire of bothering you eventually Also, props for tracking your time. Scheduling in advance and reviewing in retrospect are two habits that work like miracles. Keep growing stronger.
  14. I'd just like to stop by and let you know I appreciate the song you wrote. Never look down on anything you create, because it's the process and the sentiment behind it that matters. When you create instead of consume you instantly set yourself apart from the majority. Also, good job on running. I myself have picked it up again lately. Ran a full 10k without stopping for the first time a couple days ago, and I haven't felt so accomplished in a long time before that. You've definitely got this. Exercise is a big deal; research has actually found it to aid in overcoming addiction (Read the book "Spark" if interested.) Good luck.
  15. I've been uncertain whether the journal continues to serve a strong enough purpose now that I've beaten the addiction (would prefer to have said "killed", but that f'cker refuses to die completely ) and haven't really made an effort to write regularly, but having seen yours that might change. I'm inspired: it's so structured. Also appreciate how you use it as a mirror of the day; it can't too pleasant to write "nope" over and over, am I wrong? Might steal the bits and pieces I like most - no hard feelings right? Keep being awesome
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