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Simon E

A life without gaming

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Day 77: My 200th post! Yay. 

I'm coming closer and closer to the end of the detox, something I'm having mixed feelings about. Oh well. No worries.

Right now, I'm practically asleep already, so this'll be short.

I've gone back to wasting precious time on youtube (not league stuff - other shit), which is bad. That has to stop. Yay! Pleasure having this discussion.

ZZzZzzzz. G'night ppl. 

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Day 78: Not even two weeks left now. O_o 

Good day today. I've done some studying and some personal learning. #progress, yay. Which is something I'll continuew with now. Peace!

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Day 79: 

WOOT! 

Woot indeed. 

Today, I am yet again a bringer of bad news. I kind of, you know, maybe, broke my promise not to watch league stuff. Okay, I did definitely break it. Felt like shit today, and I do not know why, as always. Depressed with no hope for the future - that kind of shit. And so, I gravitate towards league. My one and only coping mechanism. 

I hope I'm just in a funk atm and everything will get better soon. I've dropped the writing lately - maybe that's why I feel bad? - and I lack the energy to pick it up again. School isn't helping. Neither is the weather. Ugh. 

I won't make another fancy promise. It would just feel silly, and I think I'd break it pretty much instantly. 

My plan for now? Survive, and pray for a better tomorrow. I'm glad I have family and friends and you guys, but it's difficult to be grateful when you feel like shit. A big black cloud is covering the sky, drowning every stream of light. Alright, now I'm just being dramatic. 

I'll scurry away to bed now, curl up under the blankets and totally wake up as a new, stronger person tomorrow. Yeah! next level strats. 

Alright, that's it. I'll spare the forum from more of my negativity. I'm out. 

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Day 80: 10 DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!! #hype #hashtagsbczomghype

JK. Sorry.  I'm kinda hyped though. The reason why I'm hyped is not something I wanna delve too deep into (is it because I'm proud of finally completing the detox, or because I'll be "able" to play again with good conscience afterwards?)

@Tatu92 Thank you. 

Things did look up for me today. I do not know why. I slept well, I guess. Read some slight edge late yesterday night, maybe the positive message got engrained in my head during sleep? Who knows. Perhaps I should simply accept that some days I'm happier than others, without questioning it. Buuuut it's in my nature to question things, so that might prove to be a problem. 

Had my last guitar lesson for the year today. The teacher keeps stressing that I've got talent, but idk. I can't handle compliments, lol. I guess I'm decent. 

Atleast he gave me a bunch of technical stuff to practise on, yay! #SlightEdge #EveryDay. Lel. #Apologiesforhashtagging

I really need to pick up on the writing again. I think that's why I've been feeling so down lately. What's a writer without his writing? Nothing. Unfortunately there's this thing called school that's hellbent on screwing me over, but I'll find some time to write. Somehow. I can go write now, actually. Sounds like a plan!

I'm signing out. Hope you're all well and moving upwards.

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Sleep is crucial to a positive mood for me. Some days will be happier than others, however, it's crucial that you also recognize that certain habits and behaviors lead to you feeling a certain way as well. So in the last week, what have been a few things you've done that have helped you have better days? Identify them and do them more often.

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Had my last guitar lesson for the year today. The teacher keeps stressing that I've got talent, but idk. I can't handle compliments, lol. I guess I'm decent. 

Always ahted it if peopel suggested that I ahd Talent at anything. It suggests that you don#t ahve to work for it. It is far more pleasant to get compliments for the effort you made. Well maybe that's what they want to say,

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Day 81:

@Cam Adair Hmmm. I've been sick, and still am, so that might explain something. As a result of that, I haven't been writing or exercising anything for like a week now. I think that's the main reason to why I feel like shit. I'll have to begin again (when I get the time).

@WorkInProgress Honestly, I don't mind being called talented (more than I mind getting compliments overall). I think what my teacher is trying to say is that I'm talented, and so I should work (play) a lot and hard, because talent + hard work = great things. He simply wants me to play as much guitar as possible.

Daily report: feeling okay. Been watching league stuff, but the cravings isn't massive, so I'll probably keep doing that. 

I'm having a national test in maths tomorrow, which is like the hardest fucking thing in school. Also, my final grade in this course will be completely dependant on my result on this test, so I've been studying like a madman recently. Now I'll go and get a good amount of sleep, hopefully. 

Then I'm going to ace that damn test.

Peace. 

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 Day 82:

 

Keep it us Simon! It's just a few days left. I remember myself relapsing on day 88 the first try so stay sharp, you've got it. :) 

Man, that's sad haha. Honestly, I know I won't relapse now, whatever happens pretty much. I would be too ashamed of myself if I did. But thanks for the encouragement anyways! :) 

@Cam Adair Argh.I mean, you're right, but... School. 

Oh well. Today I got my shit together somewhat. 

The test was a difficult nightmare, but if I am terribly lucky and if I bribe my teacher I might might might get an A on it. That would be fantastic. (It would give me an A on the whole course).

After the test I took a walk, as I always do after school, but then I crashed on the couch for a couple hours. Yep, league stuff. Following that I got a surge of mixed anger/motivation, so I leaped out of the couch and began actually doing meaningful stuff. I juggled, exercised and now I've also written a few words. Soon I'll have every good habit back in place! After this it's time for some guitar and drawing, then I'm off to bed. 

A more "negative" thing; I'm almost sure that I'm going to try out gaming after the detox (not immediately, since school, but maybe during the holidays). I know I'll probably wont be able to control it, and I know I might be headed straight to hell, but I think I want/need to do this. The plan goes that I'll attempt to keep all my other good habits in place - the important once will be done before eventual gaming - which I will have time for during the holidays. I'll eliminate all small moments of time-waste during the day, and make sure to be effective when not gaming. 

It's not written in stone yet, but I think I will. If it proves to spiral out of control, I'll quit again - I know I can. Also, I'll have you guys :D 

That's it for today. I'm going to make these last 8 days awesome. 

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Day 83:  

@Reno F Hahah, it's kind of an inside joke in my class - we're all considering to stop studying and simply bribe the teachers. I (probably) won't tho; hopefully my maths teacher decides to be nice and overlook some of my mistakes. :P 

I am getting quite a few cravings these days, but I still feel like I am in control, which is entirely different from before. If I play now (which I won't) or after the detox (which I maybe will) it will be because I choose to, not because I "relapse". I like the feeling of that. 

I'm considering to quit all league stuff/series though for the rest of the detox. Not just because of the cravings, but because I get stuck watching hours of it, feeling really dull - staring at a screen, where some fat dude plays video games and cracks the same old jokes. Don't I have better things I can do? Even playing would be better than that shit. 

Next week I'll have 3 or 4 tests in different classes. Hello burnout! What I'm trying to say is that I'll have to be effective for this to work. Even more so if I want to have time for writing, exercising and guitarplaying (which I do want). So yeah. Fuck consuming! 

 

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Day 84: Had a really good day today honestly (and it's not even over yet). 

I've studied quite alot (Alot equals two hours by my standards). There's hope for the coming last weeks. Hope.

Also, I finally sat down and thought through my drawing aspirations. For the longest time I've been absolutely clueless - I know I want to be good, but I have no idea what that actually means, and I have no idea what to practise. As a result, I've been skipping my drawing habit for many days in a row. Tonight I sat down and found a neat website with actual lessons and stuff; I'm starting from absolute basics. There's a risk I'll get bored by doing basic stuff, but I don't think so - as long as I have something to do I'm happy. #SlightEdge, heh. So I've regained control of the drawing habit, I think. 

Also, I've reserved a bunch of self development books at my local library; I should be able to get some of them tomorrow. That front have bee stagnant for a while, I've only reread the slight edge a few times. I need new material to digest.

Finally,  there's only the writing left. That's where I'm still struggling. I haven't written for real in more than week, and it feels really hard to begin again. There's 2+ hours left of this day though. Before I go to sleep tonight, I will have put 500 words down on paper. Today will mark the beginning of a new writing streak. 

All in all, today has been great. Which made me doubt my kind-of decision to play again after the detox. Life is good now, why should I change? This makes me feel conflicted. I feel as the decision is already made, but obviously it isn't. I'm still in control. Hmmmmm. I'll wait and see. 

That's it for today. Hoping to make tomorrow as good as today. Now I'm off to force some words out, peace.

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Day 85: Wow. I honestly do not know where to begin today's journal. I woke up this morning and I felt... Alive.

It's strange and fantastic how things just work out sometimes - how one tiny decision sets off a chain of events. Here's my chain:

Late last night I decided to sit down and stretch (after playing the guitar). I chose an odd spot on the floor, and so, I got an odd view of one of my bookshelves. I spotted a book I read years ago, a rather silly young adult love story, and I picked it up on a whim. 

Love story means... You guessed it, love! Ain't it amazing. I began reading, and thoughts about love in my own life came floating to the surface, from whatever depth they've been lurking in. Love equals girls (atleast for me), and with the thought of girls comes thoughts about my body (it's not that I'm too self-conscious, but those two subjects seem to be connected in my brain). That's it for the evening; a seed planted in my mind.

At 6 am (went to sleep at 1am), I wake up and I'm struck by this massive urge to workout. Lately, I've been only working on things such as explosiveness and flexibility (for my martial art), and this rather aimlessly. There's been no clear goal for atleast a year. Tonight I thought; why not mix things up? It would be pretty nice to actually grow bigger. (I am pretty fit already, but kinda small). So as I laid in bed, unable to get back to sleep, I picked up my journal and began designing a whole new exercise program and diet plan (= eat more, especially protein). The hype was real, and I couldn't lay still. So I left bed, and having slept less than 5 hours, I prepared a cup of strong coffee (I used to be kinda addicted to coffee, but I quit a few months ago), and well, now I feel like I'm on cocaine (12 hours after me drinking it). I don't know if I'm high because of the coffee or because of life, it doesn't really matter. 

(Quick note: I'm a pretty experienced lifter (that sounds so pretentious. I mean, I like exercising, and I've done alot of it), so this new plan isn't some kind of full gas, crash and give up in a week-thing. I (think) I know what I'm doing.) 

Everything is exciting and amazing. No way I'm going back to gaming if I can feel like this. Literally everything seems nice atm. I'm soon done with the school term, and I'll get kickass grades. Eventually, sometime, I'll get a kickass job (whatever I choose to do; police officer, writer, doctor - it doesn't matter). I'll get a kickass girl and I'll get some kickass children. (I'll wait a while with that one though). 

Only bad thing is that I'm completely unable to sit down and concentrate on my chemistry studies. But no matter, it'll work out! 

Also, I found this channel called Alpha M. Actually, it was more of a re-descover. I've watched a video of him before, but then I didn't like it. I've always thought that style and fixing your hair and taking care of your skin and stuff was superficial, but I was wrong. To spend like 5 mins a day making yourself look better, it's so worth it. You'll be happier with yourself if you think you look good, and if you're happier you'll be more confident, and if you're confident... Magic! 

Now I really need to study. (Spoiler alert: I probably won't). 

Today I won't actually aplogize for writing I bible, since I liked writing this stuff, and it's pretty exciting. 

I hope you're all feeling as good as I do. I'll end this post with a beautiful, sliiightly sarcastic quote:

Education is important, but big biceps are importanter

Peace!

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The looks in the mirror are important, not the strength! :D

Ok one  more serious note: Good for you to have something to be excited about. Growing bigger can help you a lot with confidence.

Also soon 90 days. Can't wait to welcoe you on the nother side ate ;)

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Love equals girls (atleast for me), and with the thought of girls comes thoughts about my body

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PS: Sorry about the joke, sometimes I can't control the 5th grader that lives within :)

Edited by Reno F

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Day 87: The soreness... Actually, I love the feeling of sore muscle. Embrace the pain! I've worked out four times in three days (that sounded more impressive in my head). I like it though. The more I read and learn about my body and health and taking care of yourself, the more interested I become. Everything is correlated, and everything is important. If you guys aren't sleep, exercising and taking care of your diet (*cough* go vegan *cough* - who said that?), you should definitely begin. You'll feel more in control, and you'll feel physically better.

@Tatu92 Thank you! I remember you hoping things would look up for me soon - they definitely do now!

@WorkInProgress I'd say the strength is more important, but the looks really matter too :P Also, yeah #90dayshype

@Reno F Apology accepted :D don't let that 5th grader die!

I'm soon free from the stress-inducing place of burnouts and breakdowns called Hell... Wait, it's called school? Oh. Well, I'm soon out of there atleast. There's just two things left now; a big ass physics test and a big ass swedish assignment. Me no gusta.
Je n'aime pas. I think I'll survive though.

Having a really fun time exercising, and playing the guitar. THe writing and drawing is lacking somewhat, but idk... I don't feel like doing that for the moment, and I think that's okay. The things I'm prioritizing instead are definitely not a waste of time.

Also, I'm going to try going to bed and waking up at the same time every day (or atleast 5 out of 7 days, when having late martial art trainings. Preferably 7/7.) Supposedly this will help me go to sleep easier, and also improve the quality of the sleep. Has anyone tried doing this? Does it help?

Talking about sleep, it's time for that now (soonTM). Peace people.

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Sleep is very important. Having a continuous 7-9 hours of sleep makes me think more clearly. It kinda removes this "mind fog" which makes me weary.

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