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BooksandTrees

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I hate my apartment. I can feel the heating and cooling system vibrating my floors at all times. It's making me motion sick and I can't sleep. The lack of sleep is causing more sensitivity to the vibration. The stress is making it worse. I can't stand it. 

It lasted for 1 week in July and went away and now it's back for 2 weeks. This means the people below me are blasting their heat and it's not cold out yet. 

I hate how I can't ever find a place to live. It's terrible. I went through all of the terrible living issues with my old roommates and my mom and now this again. 

I contacted apartment managment and if it doesn't get solved I'm gonna talk to the people myself who live below me.

Oh and on top of this my ceilings are 20 feet lofts and my smoke detector is beeping lololololol

 

FUCK THIS SHIT. Nothing ever works out for me I swear. Nothing. 

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Today will run combined with rest. Tomorrow a full body calisthenic workout. Martial arts sparring may do good to let go of extra tension. If parents causing extra stress let them do their thing awhile while you do yours. If care to talk more about low self esteem I will hear you out.

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The apartment managment found out what was causing the vibrations!! This fucking retard in the unit below me owns a massive water vibration furniture piece the size of a couch and that fills with water and vibrates all night long because the owner sleeps in it. Only my unit has complained about the vibration out of 700 units. And I didn't feel it for weeks. 

I KNEW I WASN'T FUCKING CRAZY. YESSSSS. WHAT A TURN OF FUCKING EVENTS. I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 2 WEEKS FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS A DAY. FUCK IGNORANT PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORRY ABOUT DISTURBING OTHERS. EAT SHIT. 

AND THANK YOU TO MY APARTMENT MANAGMENT. 

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My apartment life has been up and down. I've had many nights where I haven't slept and many nights where I've been fine. One of my neighbors is doing something obnoxious to create vibrations. They did a very thorough test in my presence tonight with one unit and it failed. I have a feeling it's the other unit. But I'm glad they were able to investigate it and took me seriously.

I watched porn tonight and got very disappointed. I just sit there after nutting and immediately think to myself that I'm being a moron doing this. It doesn't make me feel good at all. I'm going to ask my friends and family to take better photos of me this weekend and next weekend. I'm tired of being surrounded by idiots and fake attention. I am taking charge.

I think I get upset that I didn't have more fun as a late teen/young 20 something. I watch those music videos for "Boys like girls" and "All-American rejects" etc. Bands like those. They make it seem like they were having such a blast being completely lost, going to random parties, having drama with their girlfriends, etc. I wish I was going to those kinds of parties with my friends and having that meaningless relationship with me that I thought would be the love of my life but never turned out to be. Yet, everyone I know who is in that situation right now hates their lives and are going nowhere. They go to these parties, have these relationships, but work retail and fast food and aren't going to college or going anywhere in life. So that makes me proud that I achieved and made it. They did not. 

Even the people I know now who are my age and lived that kind of life in their young 20s haven't grown up yet. They are the annoying ones at work who are full of drama that everyone hates to work with. They eventually get fired. Nobody likes them.

I have no complaints now that I think about it a little more. I made something of myself and want to have more fun, but I'm proud of myself.

I haven't really done any hobbies in 7 weeks. I haven't taken any online classes, no website development, no writing, no drawing, no podcasts, nothing. I have rock climbed twice as well. I'm in a little bit of a funk and want to work out of it.

Edited by BooksandTrees

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There's a long but great article I read three months ago about growing up. I like it, because it's honest and I think it nails the "partying situation" on its head. Have a good read!

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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

There's a long but great article I read three months ago about growing up. I like it, because it's honest and I think it nails the "partying situation" on its head. Have a good read!

Thanks for the article. I downloaded his ebook.

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Someone called me a "simp" today. I didn't know what it meant so I looked it up. It means "A man who foolishly overvalues a woman and puts her on a pedestal."

I got pissed off about it for a bit. I told a woman congrats on her martial arts achievements and to keep it up. She said thank you and appreciated the comment and gave me a high five. I was called a simp after that. In my own self pity I almost beat myself up for being pathetic. Was I just complimenting her because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend? No, I was sincerely impressed that she was a state champion after training for 2 years. She found a passion, dedicated time to it, and became a champion. That's something I've been wanting to do and was impressed.

I think I demonstrated good self awareness here. I have tended to give attention to women in the past in hopes of getting closer to them and spending time with them in order to potentially date. But don't all people do this if they're interested in someone initially? I think I have a strong grip on reality where I can fairy assess myself and say whether I'm being pathetic or not. I've seen pathetic attempts at getting pussy. I'm not in that realm. I don't like being associated like that. I came to realize this person has been single for longer than me and resents women for it and also resents men who give attention to women because he does not value women. 

I was happy to make that distinction and was proud that I valued myself higher than I previously did in years past.

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We are sometimes reactors rather than actors and some jerks will drive all over the road for your attention - ignorance can be bliss if it keeps you calm & steady in your own lane. Sometimes things people say do hurt yet the source of pain can be from something else all together. High five on exercising social skills I have much need to put that into practice.

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13 minutes ago, goodvibes said:

We are sometimes reactors rather than actors and some jerks will drive all over the road for your attention - ignorance can be bliss if it keeps you calm & steady in your own lane. Sometimes things people say do hurt yet the source of pain can be from something else all together. High five on exercising social skills I have much need to put that into practice.

Thank you. This journey has me feeling very confident in my self assessments as of late. 

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Hi!

Please don’t change because of one persons judgement of you. Remember that what people say is a reflection of them and not us!

 

From your posts you seem very driven in your own life and yet able to encourage and have deep empathy for others as well. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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8 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!

Please don’t change because of one persons judgement of you. Remember that what people say is a reflection of them and not us!

 

From your posts you seem very driven in your own life and yet able to encourage and have deep empathy for others as well. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

Thank you! I won't give up. I'm Just going to keep moving forward and adjusting. Have a great day as well 🙂

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Today marks 54 weeks without me gaming. It has also been one of the more difficult weeks, but not as bad as last week. I made some unbelievable progress with my parents after last weekend's frustrating time. I really dug deep and just remained the most calm, analytical, and assertive. I made my points and they stuck. They both apologized to me and committed to change. This was a major win for me.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me stress wise. Since the beginning of October I've leaned so heavily on porn and it just makes me so sad. I'm being mean to myself by holding my own emotions hostage and manipulating them to "make myself feel better" selfishly. I have probably watched porn once or twice a day minimum over this stretch and three+ times per day on weekends. I need to prove that I can have fun without watching porn.

I scheduled fall hikes with friends today and tomorrow with lunch. I also scheduled time to take pictures of myself with my friends taking them. I also have my mini vacation next weekend for that wedding.

Things are going to look up because I want them to and the little decisions I make contribute to bigger directions. 

Thank you for the support recently!

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I walked 25 miles this weekend in an attempt to get some exercise, go outside, and socialize with friends. It was a lot of fun. I also got lots of pictures to use for potential dating profile pictures. I also bought some new clothes to be more stylish. I'm an attractive man and need to use that to my advantage in dating. This means care about how I look, continue to groom myself and not go two weeks without shaving etc. Women pay attention to that and care that a man cares about themselves because it shows they're not lazy, have self respect and confidence, and might put that same effort into everything else they do. 

My only issue now is I'm so tired I don't want to do anything tonight. I'm going to try and be ok with that. I don't really want to learn a hobby, draw, etc. It just feels like work. I want to continue to find activities that don't feel like work. I don't need more work. I keep doing that to myself. 

I failed and watched porn this morning and last night. That was a let down. I didn't even want to watch porn. I just felt that I should watch porn, so I did. I felt this way because I was tired, but didn't want to go to bed and thought it might be fun to see some attractive women online. That let me down and I didn't like it. I think it's just a habit to do before going to bed and getting out of bed. Porn usage makes you lethargic and I have felt so lethargic recently. 

I'd really like to make that leap to quitting porn on top of being away from games. It's just hard to do. I'm lonely and very attracted to women and use it as a stress relief or a major pleasure point.

This means I need to do things for fun more often that are cheaper and not addicting or a negative habit such as eating junk food, etc.

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This week and month will be a difficult challenge for me regarding my schedule. 

I invited maintenance over and they finally found the issue causing vibrations in my apartment. I feel vindicated and validated. A solution will surely come. If not, it's not major and we tried. 

I have that fucking wedding this weekend. I've chosen to be positive and just take pictures for my dating profile and try to explore. 

I'm hosting two seminars this Wednesday and next Wednesday for structural engineering and design for 3 hours each. It's cool, but stressful. I think this is my last year doing this. This year I already trimmed teaching each week and other commitments. These will be my next ones. 

My birthday is this week and everyone wants to see me. I need to get this wedding over with and then register for the 2nd most difficult exam in the country by December 5th. It takes time and I need to prioritize it. 

I'm just gonna tell people to hang out in December and fuck off until I'm ready. It's my life, don't you forget. 

I'm 3 days without porn. I'm not aroused, but I really want to do it for fun. I want to break this mindset that it's fun. 

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Keep going, bud! Sounds like you're planting the right kinds of seeds right now, to be harvested later on with more ROI. Remember to try and not whiteknuckle the porn-stuff, change your values, change the way you look at it and why you do it and more importantly why you want to quit it. I took me a couple of relapses. After I went 45 days without it, I cracked and it felt horrible. But that feeling made me realize why I wanted to change that behaviour and that was the final push I needed to change my mindset about it.

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I hosted my first today. It went really well. I got some more tasks out of the way. I also got my suit for this fucking wedding and just gotta get it over with this weekend. What a joke. The fucking thing is metallic purple. The material is plastic. It's terrible. But it's almost over. I can almost abandon this person. Also, this fucking wedding trip was going to cost $600 for the flight and stuff down there. I'm just gonna drive. I work hard for this cash (everyone does, I know) but jesus christ, I'm not paying $600 for this crap. I'm driving.

I've been able to manage my porn addictions a little better. @Phoenixking I read somewhere that the urges for porn last somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes. If I get an urge I'm just going to do something else for 20 minutes and then move on. I know I don't want porn. i want a real woman. I want love. I want companionship. I want someone who also isn't a complete dipshit asshole. That will be my creed to get through this.

I also watched a documentary called "The Game Changers". It was really eye-opening. If anyone is interested in physical and mental health I highly suggest watching that on Netflix.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today I'm 55 weeks free from gaming and 1 week free from porn. It's also my birthday. 

It has taken a week, but I'm starting to notice my in person attraction to women is increasing. I think watching porn 1 to 3 times per day for 17 years has skewed my desire for human emotional interaction. Reflecting on this has been sobering and I'm embracing the somber feeling of loneliness. I feel like I've programmed my mind to only flirt with women online or be attracted to the ones who look like porn stars. 

I can easily converse with women in person but only as friends. When they flirt with me and try to get close to me on dates I hold back and get anxiety. I get angry that they'd have the courage to embrace me and try to get closer to me when I don't have that very courage myself. Then I'll fantasize about them later when I'm alone and safe. I'm just afraid of it. 

It's not just that. I'm disgusted by some women I've met and just made blanket statements to make them all the same when 5 women don't represent 4 billion. I've become a hypocrite because I tell people there are good and bad people in all groups of life and I've ignored it to protect myself. 

In this protection I have annexed myself from any companionship, love, and connection with women and most likely real friends since I always complain I feel alone from my friends. 

Quitting porn is now greater than quitting a bad habit. It's about building connections with men and women as friends and women as dates and companions. Porn has made me insecure about myself and my happiness. Watching porn is what I turned to for happiness and emotional interaction for years and it had crippled my heart and outlook on life. For that I apologize to myself. 

But that's why I'm embracing this pain. When I ignored the pain I didn't learn any lessons. I'd just watch porn again to feel better. I knew how to quit video games after years of failure, self study, and eventually embracing pain to learn and build hope and direction. I just didn't know how to do this yet until recently. 

I watched the very last episode of Nathan for You and was touched by its message. A lonely man's biggest regret in the twilight of his life is loneliness and not finding love. But at the end he finds hope and the pain is erased. I don't want to wait until I'm 80 for love. I want it now (not forced, obviously).

To deal with cravings I've timed that they last about 15 minutes to 1 hour. If I stay alone in my bed they last an infinite amount of time. I change my environment and mental environment to eliminate the thoughts. 

I haven't craved porn though. I just feel like my body is healing in an emotional way. I can't describe it. I'm hopeful. 

Thank you 

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Happy birthday!

I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most.

Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

Happy birthday!

I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most.

Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.

Thank you! It's interesting that I had a huge road trip to get home and drove for 330 miles. At certain points I actually craved porn. It was insane. I held off, but I never really crave porn outside of my house. I'm learning a lot and hope you are too. 

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I really want to watch porn tonight. It's frustrating. I'm handling the urges, but I've been trying to understand why I want to watch it right now. Unfortunately, I think tonight's one of those nights where there really is no reason for the urge. 

I'm exhausted and just think it would be fun. I'm not sexually aroused though. I'm not feeling any loneliness either. I think I just flat out want to because I usually watch it right before bed and it's something I really look forward to doing. Sadly, it's one of my favorite parts of my day, maybe my favorite. But that's not healthy. I don't want to just force myself to watch porn and pmo because of habits. 

Yes, women are beautiful. Yes, sex is great. But porn isn't real sex and these aren't real life women. They're real, but not in front of me is what I mean. I don't want arousal only from a computer screen. Humans aren't born for that. You don't see lions or whales drawing pictures of sex lol. We shouldn't either. We're animals. Sex is so powerful that if I can get some sexual satisfaction from online then I'm content to keep doing it. It's going to keep preventing me from love and companionship. 

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

... It's going to keep preventing me from love and companionship. 

Hey I'm sure your heart is searching for someone to connect to on both an emotional and physical level always
even if porn is damaging you in certain ways I'm confident it will not stop you from discovering the love you seek

(this is both my wish and prediction for you ...)

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6 hours ago, Avnat Netzer said:

Hey I'm sure your heart is searching for someone to connect to on both an emotional and physical level always
even if porn is damaging you in certain ways I'm confident it will not stop you from discovering the love you seek

(this is both my wish and prediction for you ...)

Thank you!

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