Dear Diary...

[goodvibes 250]

fantastic report! that's all great stuff to hear I think you have a very firm handle on things. Myself lately doing great thank you recently have been taking a bit of notes on neuroscience podcasts regarding sleep / light exposure / circadian rhythm then using some applied science in my life it is so good life is great.

[Amphibian220 574]

I find that I can easily slip back into day dreaming.

This uncovers an underlying issue. Constant self-improvement tires you out if you aren’t finding new meaningful connections.

Thats why I can perfect a job, but when my proficiency level makes it effortless to perform day to day activities, its very hard to resist dreaming. I also feel like fear and hope constantly undermine my potential. So being more aware makes me braver in attempting the important goals. 

Eating and exercise are of crucial importance, because they keep your awareness and motivation alive.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Things are going well overall. I've bought a house and I've been improving relationships with my parents and family. It's been quite the relief. 

Things with my fiancee have been wonderful. She's been so loving and caring. I'm very lucky. 

It's been a pretty exhausting couple of weeks which is why I haven't posted. Work has been busy, the house stuff is tiring, and I've had so many friends and family trying to hang out and see me. I'm trying to fit it all in but I'm very tired. 

Ironically, the reason I'm posting right now is because I don't feel well and I'm up late. I can't sleep due too a migraine and I've got some stomach pain. I'm very scared of feeling sick so I'm just going through my practice of anxiety relief and trying not to panic. I have a slight suspicion of being food poisoned so I'm praying that's not the case and it's just dehydration from a very active day with not enough water. 

I hope you're all doing well. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

What a huge couple of weeks. We moved into our house, sold one condo, and got my security deposit back from my old apartment. It feels nice to move on and let those two go so I can focus on one. 

Relationship is going well. We took engagement photos and have been focusing on communication, support, and giving love. 

Lots of family members are offering to help do stuff at our house which is nice, but overwhelming. We want to do do a lot ourselves and just relax a bit. They're understanding though. 

Hobbies are slightly stagnant because of having everything packed up, but I'm spending my time by cleaning, unpacking, and house projects. It's nice and I don't have any cravings. 

Work is great. Getting busy and I'm doing better with my boss after a few misunderstandings. We had a polite conversation about it and moved on. If there's one skill I know I have, it's communication lol.

Hope you're doing well. 

[GrainSiloEnthusiast 313]

Sounds stressful but exciting, so proud of you!

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Thank you!

I'm also applying for a new job. I spoke too soon about work not being an issue. This place is getting bad fast.

[Pochatok 563]

On 6/26/2022 at 7:40 AM, BooksandTrees said:

. We had a polite conversation about it and moved on. If there's one skill I know I have, it's communication lol.

Hell yes! So happy for you, that is a skill so many people don't prioritize or have so much trouble improving. Glad you're doing better 🙂

[BooksandTrees 3975]

On 7/2/2022 at 10:36 AM, Pochatok said:

Hell yes! So happy for you, that is a skill so many people don't prioritize or have so much trouble improving. Glad you're doing better 🙂

Thank you very much! I'll be in touch on your journal soon. Sorry for being away and great hearing from you. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

I had a week off from work and had a lot of fun with family and friends. I got a lot of stuff done on my house and did hobbies. 

I went back to work and instantly got depressed and stress ate even when I wasn't hungry. I gave up gaming and porn and now it's food. Right when I get stressed I March to the kitchen. 

I've bought tons of healthier food, but even if it's healthy, consuming extra calories is still gonna hit. 

I need some sort of activity that I can do when I'm anxious or fidgety. I considered gum but I'm concerned how it'd impact my teeth. Maybe hand grips or something?

[LostRiver 137]

I think I might be on to something that can help you. In my opinion, rather than being "fidgety" or anxious, you are struggling to rest effectively due to stress from your work. Depression and addiction have a hand in this.

What I have been trying is meditation in the form of talking to myself like I'm talking to a hurt kid (that I am). I admit my mistakes, acknowledge that I feel hurt when my colleagues or bosses were mean, then I say I love the kid, is willing to hold him, cry with him, etc. Then I just do some yoga breath. I have found that resting for 10 minutes this way, almost immediately after coming home from work, gives me more clarity and peace in the evening than eating, music, movies or anything that can be clasified as distractions.

Granted, I am still struggling to give up gaming 100%. And at the end of the day, I need to work on my stress (do something to make sure I learn from my mistakes, have better skills, etc). Sort of like letting the kid know he won't be hurt again, or at least this time I'll be stronger.

Hope it helps

[Martinof 50]

I won't recommend gum or hand grips, if it's done too much, it has negative effects (jaw, hands). Try to relax during 10min, sitting down or lying down, in silence or with a relaxing music. Easier said than done if we're too stressed ^^

Or if you need action (it seems so), put some music you like, and dance !

[Amphibian220 574]

On 7/13/2022 at 5:25 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I went back to work and instantly got depressed and stress ate even when I wasn't hungry. I gave up gaming and porn and now it's food. Right when I get stressed I March to the kitchen. 

I've bought tons of healthier food, but even if it's healthy, consuming extra calories is still gonna hit. 

I need some sort of activity that I can do when I'm anxious or fidgety. I considered gum but I'm concerned how it'd impact my teeth. Maybe hand grips or something?

What the heck, I wonder how true leaders cope with stress, because they obviously can’t do anything disruptive to themselves.

What sort of coping techniques does Cam suggest? Reading a book or watching something won’t work for me. I know I will need better copin techniques in the years to come. 

[Pochatok 563]

I know that some situations won't let you take a proper break and require some fidgeting to stay in control in the moment; but I do agree with other folks to strive to use other techniques when possible. "The Charisma Myth" offers a few very good techniques for better coping!

[GrainSiloEnthusiast 313]

On 7/12/2022 at 7:25 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I had a week off from work and had a lot of fun with family and friends. I got a lot of stuff done on my house and did hobbies. 

I went back to work and instantly got depressed and stress ate even when I wasn't hungry. I gave up gaming and porn and now it's food. Right when I get stressed I March to the kitchen. 

I've bought tons of healthier food, but even if it's healthy, consuming extra calories is still gonna hit. 

I need some sort of activity that I can do when I'm anxious or fidgety. I considered gum but I'm concerned how it'd impact my teeth. Maybe hand grips or something?

If you're gonna chew gum, go with sugar free, specifically containing xylitol. It's actually good for your teeth because it tricks bacteria into eating it and then they die lol.

I recommend something that keeps your hands busy but is also a project you can continuously work on. Doodling, especially mandala, is that for me. Knitting and crochet are also really popular for this. Some people do diamond paintings. There's also adult coloring. Get those hands busy!!

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I've once again been away doing a ton of house stuff, work projects, and much more. 

I interviewed for a new job and didn't get it. I wasn't really interested in it and they could tell.

I've taken a lot of time to do nothing and embrace boredom actually. Last week I finished all my projects at work and a ton of stuff at home. I just wanted to take some time this weekend to recharge, reset, and do nothing. I ended up using the whole weekend for this. No goals, no hobbies, no checklists. I exercised, cleaned, self care, read, cook, spend time with my fiancee, and sleep. I feel a lot better. 

I am having a conversation with my boss Monday about how he snaps and says mean things abs we'll see how it goes. 

I haven't written on here in weeks because it just feels like work. Even writing now feels like work. I think that means I'm busy as hell and need to relax. So I'll continue this. 

I haven't over eaten in weeks since that post. I've taken time to draw, stretch, relax, and accept the situation a little. 

[Amphibian220 574]

This comeback is more satisfying than having my team win the world cup. You have a habit of bouncing back, keep it up.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

5 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

This comeback is more satisfying than having my team win the world cup. You have a habit of bouncing back, keep it up.

Thanks. I'm feeling better and less burnt out. I'm still burnt out but I feel capable instead of frozen. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Things are going a lot better. The director of my department was fired and I got a raise. I feel like we have a better department environment now and the work culture is better. 

I've made some recent progress with my cartoon, reading, and drumming hobbies. I haven't really felt like writing in here for months now. I think I've been so burnt out from the house and job that I just kind of relax after work and zone out when I can. I spent the past few months doing something around the house after work and just the past 2 weeks I've finally gained some freedom. 

This newfound freedom is really helping me spend time on hobbies. I've been able to drum to random songs. I'm not trying to master any songs in particular. I just want to get better at understanding the music so I can just play songs on my spotify list. 

My cartoon had been stagnant for 6 months but I drew a background the other day and only need 5 more drawn. I've also been reading a great book about overcoming addiction when it's ruined someone's life. Very powerful book.

 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Today's been better. I've been too tired to write here over the past few months just with how busy I've been. I promised @LostRiverI'd write a little more. 

Something I'm dealing with is socializing again. I think the pandemic was actually nice for me because I recall writing in 2020 and 2019 how I thought a lot of my friends provided surface level friendship and nothing deeper. Barely any of these people talked in the pandemic and now they're coming out of the woodwork asking to catch up. I have tried socializing a lot since July and I'm a little tired of it.

At this point, I'm only going to see people I care about. There are some people trying to talk to me to catch up and I'm tired of it. The pandemic has given me the confidence to realize I can be fine on my own and with my fiancee. I don't need to keep seeing people or need to see people. It doesn't matter. A good example of this is I was the best man at one person's wedding. I was one of his only friends because he puts zero effort into friends. I hated everyone at the wedding except for a few people. I don't talk to any of them anymore. It feels wonderful. 

I've made it a point to stick to seeing about 5 friends and keep those friendships strong. The others are going to stay acquaintances. 

Another update is a finished reading 2 more books. I'm really enjoying this time to myself when I read. This one was about someone battling addiction and overcoming it. It felt very familiar to read their ups and downs. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by BooksandTrees

[Ikar 1898]

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Something I'm dealing with is socializing again. I think the pandemic was actually nice for me because I recall writing in 2020 and 2019 how I thought a lot of my friends provided surface level friendship and nothing deeper. Barely any of these people talked in the pandemic and now they're coming out of the woodwork asking to catch up. I have tried socializing a lot since July and I'm a little tired of it.

At this point, I'm only going to see people I care about. There are some people trying to talk to me to catch up and I'm tired of it. The pandemic has given me the confidence to realize I can be fine on my own and with my fiancee. I don't need to keep seeing people or need to see people. It doesn't matter. A good example of this is I was the best man at one person's wedding. I was one of his only friends because he puts zero effort into friends. I hated everyone at the wedding except for a few people. I don't talk to any of them anymore. It feels wonderful. 

I've made it a point to stick to seeing about 5 friends and keep those friendships strong. The others are going to stay acquaintances. 

I feel what you're writing. I think my social groups are fairly diverse and that I am keeping in contact with a lot of people too these last few months.

I think only 5% of all the people I know and currently meet are friends I would meet in order to solve some emergency or go out with them alone. Another 15% of the people are fun to hang out with, but I don't have a strong tie with them. I haven't gone out anywhere with them alone, though it's possible that I would or will (girls I'd date and people that are just good company fall here). The 75% I just don't care about and they just "happen" to be there whenever I go somewhere.

I'm happy that things are going well for you and your fiancee! A lot of the social needs depend on the type of the relationship you have. I can say for myself that my relationships work the best when my girlfriend is also my best friend.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

On 9/25/2022 at 2:15 AM, Ikar said:

I feel what you're writing. I think my social groups are fairly diverse and that I am keeping in contact with a lot of people too these last few months.

I think only 5% of all the people I know and currently meet are friends I would meet in order to solve some emergency or go out with them alone. Another 15% of the people are fun to hang out with, but I don't have a strong tie with them. I haven't gone out anywhere with them alone, though it's possible that I would or will (girls I'd date and people that are just good company fall here). The 75% I just don't care about and they just "happen" to be there whenever I go somewhere.

I'm happy that things are going well for you and your fiancee! A lot of the social needs depend on the type of the relationship you have. I can say for myself that my relationships work the best when my girlfriend is also my best friend.

I agree. Social media has really put and impact on amount of friends rather than quality of life and friendship. I kind of relate certain friends to when the main character of an anime visits a town for the first time in a while that they remember him or her for their heroism in the town. They don't necessarily keep writing to the hero for the rest of time. But the hero has companions who are always with them. Those are the real friends. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Today was one great day. I successfully spent 1 hour playing drums, 1 hour drawing, and 1 hour reading. I exercised for 30 minutes and had an extremely productive day at work. I had a very wonderful night with my fiance and enjoyed the day. 

I am grateful and think it's because I stopped overthinking hobbies and just did it.

[LostRiver 137]

On 9/27/2022 at 9:33 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Today was one great day. I successfully spent 1 hour playing drums, 1 hour drawing, and 1 hour reading. I exercised for 30 minutes and had an extremely productive day at work. I had a very wonderful night with my fiance and enjoyed the day. 

I am grateful and think it's because I stopped overthinking hobbies and just did it.

Congrats! It sounds like you had an amazing day taking care of yourself, loved one and living life! 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

I learned something important today. 

I don't like drawing, animating, video processing, or 3d modeling. 

I only like writing and voice acting. 

I feel free now. I realized that I write the script for my shows super fast and then take 2 years to animate stuff and never finish. I've decided to turn each episode of my cartoon into a chapter of a book and create a book. I'm loving this idea. 

I also have a podcast and will create audio books for comedy. 

For all of you struggling to find hobbies, it took me 4 years of quitting video games to realize that I don't like to fucking draw at all. So be patient lol.

I got glasses recently. I've been getting headaches from the computer. I think all those years of gaming caught up to me. But they look cool and I feel better so I'm happy. 

I painted this weekend as well. Made some fall art. I like to paint every 3 to 6 months for some reason even though I hate drawing. I don't know why. It feels more finite and set in stone. I just enjoy that process more than drawing on a tablet. 

Hope you're all doing well. I'll update more soon. Been very busy at work and it's just slammed me mentally. I've just wanted to relax. 

I took Friday off and watched bladerunner 2049. I liked it but it was slow. I think ad astra did a better job of the science fiction slow pace. 

I also started exercising again and feel good about it. I haven't done as much because I've been overwhelmed with house stuff. My fiance and I realized how much progress we made and cut ourselves some slack. We're very proud. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

I think I've finally hit burnout with a lot of things such as home improvements, work, socializing, and planning. My fiance and I decided to not plan as much or do any more house stuff for a few months since we got all of the larger items done. 

It's exhausting. I'm fulfilled from it at least. But I realized I'm exhausted and want to sleep. Not depression sleep either. I know the difference between those. I'm just tired and want to do a lot. I spent this past weekend relaxing and going outside. I feel rejuvenated. But I want to do like 3 more months of this lol. 

I'll add in exercise here and there too.