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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I'm honestly very annoyed that I could not study today. I still have 11 days til the exam. I just had nothing in me. I craved video games and porn very badly today. Some of my worst cravings in years. But fuck that. 

I have failed this exam twice and am still alive. Nothing bad happened to me. In fact, I got a new job with a huge raise instead. I'm allowed to fail and have done a good job. Instead of gaming or watching porn, I walked outside, slept inside when I got back, solved a puzzle, listened to music, and watched TV and talked to friends. I am now going to take a shower and just do my best tomorrow since I have the day off. I have 11 days to do these last remaining problems and practice exams. I can do this.

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I'm psyching myself out to the point of illness. Instead of sleeping I'm panicking over things I haven't studied yet. I'll never take this test again if I fail it. I've tortured myself for years over this. I am done. 

I've spent the past 4 hours trying to sleep. I've gone through tons of practice problems skimming them. Retaining nothing because it's 4 am. It's like I'm trying to calm myself down because I'm afraid to even look at the problems. 

I have less fear now. I just need to sleep and start tomorrow. 

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I fell asleep around 5 and woke up just now. I'm very grateful to brave therapy tonight. I'm very surprised by how much anxiety I have right now. 

I'm proud that I haven't relapsed. It's crazy after almost 3 years the first thing my mind wanted to do during a panic attack is play runescape. 

Goes to show those neural pathways remain permanent regardless of my progress. I hope this shows anyone reading that you'll still have to make tough decisions in times of need and that I'm still alive and ok after not playing during hours of panic attacks. 

Stay strong. Don't fear failure. Love yourself. 

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm psyching myself out to the point of illness. Instead of sleeping I'm panicking over things I haven't studied yet. I'll never take this test again if I fail it. I've tortured myself for years over this. I am done. 

I've spent the past 4 hours trying to sleep. I've gone through tons of practice problems skimming them. Retaining nothing because it's 4 am. It's like I'm trying to calm myself down because I'm afraid to even look at the problems. 

I have less fear now. I just need to sleep and start tomorrow. 

Been there, done that. This summer I failed my high school final exam so I couldn’t go to university. I had 2 years to prepare for that exam, but instead I was just constantly playing Overwatch. A single thought of studying was giving me fear and anxiety. I can’t even count how many times I wanted to kill myself because of it. But now I’m slowly getting better. Last May I found a guy on YouTube who is studying for 12 hours every day for over a year and he does it live on his stream. He uses 60 minutes studying and 10 minutes break technique. So I started studying with his stream on background all the time and it’s been very helpful. I think I wouldn’t be able to do anything without that first push.

I’m gonna retake my exam in June and I’m already preparing for it. Today I studied for 4 hours 40 minutes and I’m gradually increasing time. Just know that you’re not alone and many of us are going through the same shit. 

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2 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Been there, done that. This summer I failed my high school final exam so I couldn’t go to university. I had 2 years to prepare for that exam, but instead I was just constantly playing Overwatch. A single thought of studying was giving me fear and anxiety. I can’t even count how many times I wanted to kill myself because of it. But now I’m slowly getting better. Last May I found a guy on YouTube who is studying for 12 hours every day for over a year and he does it live on his stream. He uses 60 minutes studying and 10 minutes break technique. So I started studying with his stream on background all the time and it’s been very helpful. I think I wouldn’t be able to do anything without that first push.

I’m gonna retake my exam in June and I’m already preparing for it. Today I studied for 4 hours 40 minutes and I’m gradually increasing time. Just know that you’re not alone and many of us are going through the same shit. 

That's so interesting you wrote about this. I literally just started researching the pomodoro technique. I think I'm gonna do 50 minutes on, 10 off or 25 on5 off for a bit, including work. and I'm not gonna study after 9 PM. Good luck to you. Let's compare notes on how this goes. We've got this.

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I had therapy today and feel a lot better. I was shut down mentally and physically for most of today. I managed to get 2 hours of studying in tonight after therapy and am so much happier. I'm gonna just plan my days one day at a time now. I can't get caught up planning my days on and on with what I need to do x days from now. I'm just gonna wake up at a normal time each day and just plan things out. Maybe I exercise, maybe I study, maybe something else. 

I'll be in good shape if I keep this up.

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Could you draw a chart of how good your revision went over the last week? Maybe that will help to identify leverage points for you to use?

Fear of not passing makes it harder for you to memorize. But then any exam is designed for a successful pass if the student puts a reasonable effort in.

Also are your health reinforcing activities not being sacrificed for studying?

Kind regards

 

 

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14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

 

Could you draw a chart of how good your revision went over the last week? Maybe that will help to identify leverage points for you to use?

Fear of not passing makes it harder for you to memorize. But then any exam is designed for a successful pass if the student puts a reasonable effort in.

Also are your health reinforcing activities not being sacrificed for studying?

Kind regards

 

 

No but I think I'm mentally less stressed now that I only have to do a few problems. I was doing too many. I'm turning that fear into energy and control over the situation. It's my test. I got this. That's my mindset. My health is actually good overall. I've been sticking to a good schedule and thriving at work and in life. Therapy was instrumental.

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Had a good study day yesterday. The pomodoro technique is nice for work and study. I don't follow it if I'm in a groove but I remember to take breaks after the grooves. Next week I hit 3 years....time flies!

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The test went much better than before. I think I dominated the first half and did ok in the second half. I'm praying for a miracle here. I really hope I pass. It's so crushing to not pass. 

@WhoCares I think the Pomodoro technique really helped me finish that final push. It also helped me at work. I think I'm going to take this week to relax and next week I might start doing the pomodoro technique with learning the drums and animating. Just 1 day each per week.

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