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BooksandTrees
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I'm honestly very annoyed that I could not study today. I still have 11 days til the exam. I just had nothing in me. I craved video games and porn very badly today. Some of my worst cravings in years. But fuck that. 

I have failed this exam twice and am still alive. Nothing bad happened to me. In fact, I got a new job with a huge raise instead. I'm allowed to fail and have done a good job. Instead of gaming or watching porn, I walked outside, slept inside when I got back, solved a puzzle, listened to music, and watched TV and talked to friends. I am now going to take a shower and just do my best tomorrow since I have the day off. I have 11 days to do these last remaining problems and practice exams. I can do this.

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I'm psyching myself out to the point of illness. Instead of sleeping I'm panicking over things I haven't studied yet. I'll never take this test again if I fail it. I've tortured myself for years over this. I am done. 

I've spent the past 4 hours trying to sleep. I've gone through tons of practice problems skimming them. Retaining nothing because it's 4 am. It's like I'm trying to calm myself down because I'm afraid to even look at the problems. 

I have less fear now. I just need to sleep and start tomorrow. 

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I fell asleep around 5 and woke up just now. I'm very grateful to brave therapy tonight. I'm very surprised by how much anxiety I have right now. 

I'm proud that I haven't relapsed. It's crazy after almost 3 years the first thing my mind wanted to do during a panic attack is play runescape. 

Goes to show those neural pathways remain permanent regardless of my progress. I hope this shows anyone reading that you'll still have to make tough decisions in times of need and that I'm still alive and ok after not playing during hours of panic attacks. 

Stay strong. Don't fear failure. Love yourself. 

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm psyching myself out to the point of illness. Instead of sleeping I'm panicking over things I haven't studied yet. I'll never take this test again if I fail it. I've tortured myself for years over this. I am done. 

I've spent the past 4 hours trying to sleep. I've gone through tons of practice problems skimming them. Retaining nothing because it's 4 am. It's like I'm trying to calm myself down because I'm afraid to even look at the problems. 

I have less fear now. I just need to sleep and start tomorrow. 

Been there, done that. This summer I failed my high school final exam so I couldn’t go to university. I had 2 years to prepare for that exam, but instead I was just constantly playing Overwatch. A single thought of studying was giving me fear and anxiety. I can’t even count how many times I wanted to kill myself because of it. But now I’m slowly getting better. Last May I found a guy on YouTube who is studying for 12 hours every day for over a year and he does it live on his stream. He uses 60 minutes studying and 10 minutes break technique. So I started studying with his stream on background all the time and it’s been very helpful. I think I wouldn’t be able to do anything without that first push.

I’m gonna retake my exam in June and I’m already preparing for it. Today I studied for 4 hours 40 minutes and I’m gradually increasing time. Just know that you’re not alone and many of us are going through the same shit. 

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2 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Been there, done that. This summer I failed my high school final exam so I couldn’t go to university. I had 2 years to prepare for that exam, but instead I was just constantly playing Overwatch. A single thought of studying was giving me fear and anxiety. I can’t even count how many times I wanted to kill myself because of it. But now I’m slowly getting better. Last May I found a guy on YouTube who is studying for 12 hours every day for over a year and he does it live on his stream. He uses 60 minutes studying and 10 minutes break technique. So I started studying with his stream on background all the time and it’s been very helpful. I think I wouldn’t be able to do anything without that first push.

I’m gonna retake my exam in June and I’m already preparing for it. Today I studied for 4 hours 40 minutes and I’m gradually increasing time. Just know that you’re not alone and many of us are going through the same shit. 

That's so interesting you wrote about this. I literally just started researching the pomodoro technique. I think I'm gonna do 50 minutes on, 10 off or 25 on5 off for a bit, including work. and I'm not gonna study after 9 PM. Good luck to you. Let's compare notes on how this goes. We've got this.

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I had therapy today and feel a lot better. I was shut down mentally and physically for most of today. I managed to get 2 hours of studying in tonight after therapy and am so much happier. I'm gonna just plan my days one day at a time now. I can't get caught up planning my days on and on with what I need to do x days from now. I'm just gonna wake up at a normal time each day and just plan things out. Maybe I exercise, maybe I study, maybe something else. 

I'll be in good shape if I keep this up.

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Could you draw a chart of how good your revision went over the last week? Maybe that will help to identify leverage points for you to use?

Fear of not passing makes it harder for you to memorize. But then any exam is designed for a successful pass if the student puts a reasonable effort in.

Also are your health reinforcing activities not being sacrificed for studying?

Kind regards

 

 

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14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

 

Could you draw a chart of how good your revision went over the last week? Maybe that will help to identify leverage points for you to use?

Fear of not passing makes it harder for you to memorize. But then any exam is designed for a successful pass if the student puts a reasonable effort in.

Also are your health reinforcing activities not being sacrificed for studying?

Kind regards

 

 

No but I think I'm mentally less stressed now that I only have to do a few problems. I was doing too many. I'm turning that fear into energy and control over the situation. It's my test. I got this. That's my mindset. My health is actually good overall. I've been sticking to a good schedule and thriving at work and in life. Therapy was instrumental.

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1 hour ago, Pochatok said:

Good luck! No matter the results, I hope that you’ve learned something useful/have some takeaways from while studying for it 🙂 

Thank you! I definitely learned a lot so I'm happy with that.

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The test went much better than before. I think I dominated the first half and did ok in the second half. I'm praying for a miracle here. I really hope I pass. It's so crushing to not pass. 

@WhoCares I think the Pomodoro technique really helped me finish that final push. It also helped me at work. I think I'm going to take this week to relax and next week I might start doing the pomodoro technique with learning the drums and animating. Just 1 day each per week.

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I think stressors like these can make you stronger if you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Overpressure can hurt your health. 

“Placing a system in a straitjacket of constancy can cause fragility to evolve”

C S Holling.

I think healthy stressors have to reinforce your different aspects. In this kind of scenario you fought fear of not passing, overpowered your habits, revised material, increased your memorization ability.

Another necessary stressor for all of us is the physical. Something like a cold shower or a workout that mimics survival mode.

But Unfortunately, society aims to eradicate that and puts immense efforts to that effect. It aims to replicate its own function within its subjects. People must be as passive as possible, their conversations and interests dictated by popular media, never questioning the foundations of society. Society can’t accept another Napoleon in our midst. Way too dangerous. But that way we will become too fragile.

I'm psyched, way to go man!

Edited by Amphibian220
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6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Another necessary stressor for all of us is the physical. Something like a cold shower or a workout that mimics survival mode.

But Unfortunately, society aims to eradicate that and puts immense efforts to that effect. It aims to replicate its own function within its subjects. People must be as passive as possible, their conversations and interests dictated by popular media, never questioning the foundations of society. Society can’t accept another Napoleon in our midst. Way too dangerous. But that way we will become too fragile.

I think the main idea is that the society is already well-off enough so that a lot of the people do not experience "physical stress/survival" situations unless they absolutely want to, but I think on the whole the humanity is becoming more complacent and fragile. There's still plenty of "psychological stress/survival" situations around and I think there will always be though.

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I've been pretty depressed today. I don't think it's for a major reason. I think it's because I'm tired after all of that studying and it's hitting me now. I also had a slight lull at work because I finished all of my projects and was bored. I kept hitting snooze this morning and just got so groggy and can't shake it.

It makes me want to cancel my plans for today but I know I'd feel bad if I did that. I'm gonna stay strong today and just wake up at a better time tomorrow. I also haven't done that pomodoro thing this week and it's noticeable. 

I've had a lot of support from my girlfriend and I'm grateful. What a wonderful person she is. I've also been animating again so be on the lookout for a short cartoon next month!

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I think i understand your emotions. Maybe these emotions are natural and necessary? Can we always remain in a state of excitement?

For me game quitters’ aim is an example of a greater aim in my life which benefits communities because it goes around many non solutions-

1) non solution of moderation

2) non solution of finding “better” games.

GQ speaks out in a militant tone that we must go without games and I find it attractive because its honest. I also think we can become more meaningful by stipulating the non-negotiable values for us in media and books. (Just remember that video game designers do not have any misgivings at all about imposing their values on you. Thats why there are games and films that propagate indecency and violence).

I want to pursue a goal in my current job like that. I am consciously aware of this need and I think so are you. If my department has an unnecessary function or could operate much better I’m going to talk about it.

Edit: If you are making cartoons, you could do a PR clip of young person throwing away games and going after becoming an achiever in life?

Edited by Amphibian220
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I spent time with my friends tonight and had a great time. I really am grateful for doing that. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and just make the best of the day. I'm gonna do some drawing tomorrow maybe.

7 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

think i understand your emotions. Maybe these emotions are natural and necessary? Can we always remain in a state of excitement?

For me game quitters’ aim is an example of a greater aim in my life which benefits communities because it goes around many non solutions-

1) non solution of moderation

2) non solution of finding “better” games.

GQ speaks out in a militant tone that we must go without games and I find it attractive because its honest. I also think we can become more meaningful by stipulating the non-negotiable values for us in media and books. (Just remember that video game designers do not have any misgivings at all about imposing their values on you. Thats why there are games and films that propagate indecency and violence).

I want to pursue a goal in my current job like that. I am consciously aware of this need and I think so are you. If my department has an unnecessary function or could operate much better I’m going to talk about it.

I definitely agree. I used to try the non solutions and they just lead to failure. Let me know how your pursuit goes.

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I have to find the right balance between enjoying my hobby after work and doing too much after work. Although I like my new job, I don't really like having a boss all of the time and that kind of stuff. 

It motivates me to work on my cartoon but I don't want to turn my cartoon into a second job either. It's hard to just work on my cartoon without ruminating about how it could make money in the future and I could finally quit engineering. 

Maybe I'll do what I did with studying and say 1 thing at a time and stop planning too much. 

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I feel better tonight. I was sick today and it had me dealing with cravings and withdrawal which is annoying but understandable. I stayed firmly on the couch and rested. 

I meal prepped tonight and then set up some new office equipment with the new energy I recieved. I'm exhausted again but it's almost bed time anyways. 

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11 hours ago, LostRiver said:

I'm a new member. Thanks for enduring and showing us all your journey. Wish you all the best!

Thank you! We've all got the ability to endure! It just takes a careful mix of understanding ourselves and our environments and allowing some forgiveness and patience intertwined with discipline and attainable goals. 

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I did some painting and animating this weekend. It was a lot of fun. I'm starting to get more comfortable with this software and it's becoming less stressful to initiate when I decide to do it. I made it a point to spend 1 to 2 hours a day on each this weekend. 

I wasn't as productive after lunch at work today because I was tired but I had a productive morning and realize it's hard to be engaged for 8 to 9 hours straight without an addictive quality like gaming or something. 

I plan on resting a little bit tonight then figuring out something to do whether it's the drums for 30 minutes or drawing or just exercise. I'm tired now but still 6 hours before bed so I am certain I'll be less tired once I let myself relax. 

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