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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Did a lot of drawing this weekend and finished all of my characters. Very exciting. 

Wow, that's a huge milestone, congrats! What will be happening next?

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Finished the week on a strong note at work. I'm doing a trial move in with my girlfriend the next few weeks which is exciting. I also plan on rigging my cartoon characters this weekend. Or maybe just one. That's my only real hobby goal. The rest will be relaxing, errands, and meal prep. 

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Hey! i'm a new member, sort of, even though I've been following Cam and game quitters for years. 

I just wanted to say I'm impressed by this 101 page journal! 

Must have been quite a journey for you.

How has it been? Was it hard? Did you relapse? And how are you feeling now that you stopped?

Edited by Nico Indigo
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Hey, me again...

I went back and read your back story and the first page of your journal.

I felt like the questions I had asked could be answered if I would just read. 

I thought it was kinda disrespectful to ask you those questions without reading first. I realize that what I needed was just "connection"...connecting with you.

Anyhow. Wow. I feel deeply touched by your story, the little I know so far. I cried. I see so much of myself in you. I was diagnosed as a "gifted" child when I was 4 years old. I think you are too. You have the profile of a "high potential individual".  

So yeah, I can relate to your struggle (from 2018 anyway lol). Ima try to keep reading. The urge to do something meaningful, the anger, the stress, the being burnt out from work, the relapse, the depression, lying in bed suffering, the being hard of myself and then finding that loving voice inside. All of this, we share my brother.

I'm so inspired to see your blossoming and the growth that we are all going through. It's so beautiful. It's like living again knowing what really matters.

I wish you all the better Matt.

See you around

Peace
 

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On 1/8/2022 at 10:56 PM, Nico Indigo said:

Hey, me again...

I went back and read your back story and the first page of your journal.

I felt like the questions I had asked could be answered if I would just read. 

I thought it was kinda disrespectful to ask you those questions without reading first. I realize that what I needed was just "connection"...connecting with you.

Anyhow. Wow. I feel deeply touched by your story, the little I know so far. I cried. I see so much of myself in you. I was diagnosed as a "gifted" child when I was 4 years old. I think you are too. You have the profile of a "high potential individual".  

So yeah, I can relate to your struggle (from 2018 anyway lol). Ima try to keep reading. The urge to do something meaningful, the anger, the stress, the being burnt out from work, the relapse, the depression, lying in bed suffering, the being hard of myself and then finding that loving voice inside. All of this, we share my brother.

I'm so inspired to see your blossoming and the growth that we are all going through. It's so beautiful. It's like living again knowing what really matters.

I wish you all the better Matt.

See you around

Peace
 

Thanks for sharing your story and reading my journal! I tried to be as open as possible during my journey so far. I hope it helps you. 

I wrote a longer piece in celebrations called 500 days without gaming that might help you. It was a detailed approach at how I quit. I'm almost 3 years now. I relapsed either on page 2 or 3 of this diary in fall of 2018 but that is it. 

I used to count the weeks but stopped age 2 or 3 years because I felt like I have a new life that doesn't need counting. I also think that if you relapse and have a ton of time added up and you put too much emphasis on the amount of time, then if you relapse you'll feel you can never get back to that level again when in reality if you relapse for one day out of 30 you're not actually a failure, you stopped for 29 out of 30 days. 

These are all from learning experience and seeing others on the forum completely give up and never return after quitting for months or years and then relapsed. I think you're setting yourself up for a battle with shame and regret if you do that. A large portion of this journey is self forgiveness and self acceptance. Be your friend. Help yourself. 

I'm not online as much as I used to be because over the years I've built a friend network, therapy, and have a relationship now. It's all from the progress I've made in this journal. 

Good luck and be patient. 

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@Nico IndigoI second everything @BooksandTreeswrote above.

I also stopped counting, quite recently actually, but I can't even begin to fathom all the things that would have to happen for me to end up gaming pathologically like I used to. I built up such a network of friends and acquaintances that I hardly ever need to use my journal as my "retreat" anymore when something in my life is not going too well. Usually I just talk it over with a friend and that's that.

The part about acceptance of self is vital. Don't kid yourself that everything will be easy after quitting gaming, but also recognize what was going well for you even while you were gaming. My English would be nowhere near my current level if I didn't have the passion for gaming at some point in the past. I became an English lecturer after I quit games. Games will be forever a part of the path I took.

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On 8/14/2018 at 5:13 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I miss competition.  I miss doing things at a high level and winning.  If I play a sport there's always someone who has played for like 20 years and it's just impossible to find my groove.  I was such an expert gamer that I had that edge.  Now I have to pick up from the beginning. 

 

On 8/14/2018 at 5:13 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I just want to compete and win something that means something to me.  I guess I am being impatient because I don't want to spend the next 5 years learning something to go from novice to amateur when I was already an expert gamer.  

Then there's the hate side of me that stands by my quitting gaming.  I hate all gamers.  I think most people in the gaming community are such assholes.  They take their anger out on others, are incredibly toxic, don't fix their life problems, most of them are pathetic and can't do anything outside the gaming world, and they are just miserable.

Then there's the side of me who sees both of those people inside of me.  I know I can be amazing in real life.  I've proven it before, but I just want to unload on something like a boxing bag for like 30 minutes and scream at it.  I'm so full of this physical and mental tension - it's pouring out of my mind!  I want to get out of my house and just FEEL ALIVE!!! I DON'T FUCKING FEEL ALIVE AT ALL!!! I go to work, feel bored and like a DRONE and then just DO NOTHING AT HOME LIKE AN ASSHOLE!!

I feel absolutely the same way. I was playing on a highest rank, but after I quit I feel pathetic no matter what I do. I understand that gaming is bad for me, I second everything you wrote about gaming community, but it's the only thing that gave me joy. It made me feel important. I was able to do things that others can't.

Now I feel purposeless even though I have a dream and I know what to do to achieve it. But it is too hard. It takes years.

It's been 3 years since you wrote it, you gained a lot of experience since then. Could you give some advice? I'm honestly on the verge of relapsing again right now.

Edited by WhoCares
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2 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Now I feel purposeless even though I have a dream and I know what to do to achieve it. But it is too hard. It takes years.

I wish I could give a more thorough answer to this today, as I'm pressed for time this afternoon BUT I just had to say ... I know how you feel, I've spent years working at my craft..YEARS.  I have yet to make a full success of my efforts.  However, I DO see the progress.  Having something you truly dream of that takes years is a GOOD thing!  Find that thing that makes you passionate enough to spend your life honing it.  It's not about the end goal, it IS about what you do "daily."  You may feel purposeless but feelings can be deceptive - don't let how you feel right now cloud that!   Keep going!

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10 hours ago, WhoCares said:

 

I feel absolutely the same way. I was playing on a highest rank, but after I quit I feel pathetic no matter what I do. I understand that gaming is bad for me, I second everything you wrote about gaming community, but it's the only thing that gave me joy. It made me feel important. I was able to do things that others can't.

Now I feel purposeless even though I have a dream and I know what to do to achieve it. But it is too hard. It takes years.

It's been 3 years since you wrote it, you gained a lot of experience since then. Could you give some advice? I'm honestly on the verge of relapsing again right now.

Don't relapse. Remember the pain you've felt from relapse. This takes a long time and although you feel terrible it's still an instantaneous situation in your life and if you can get past these few hours without gaming you'll be ok.

Change your mental environment and think about something else by being in an interactive and responsible situation. 

You're trying to associate being bad at new things with shame and being pathetic and that means you're hiding from something in your past. There's a reason you're elite at overwatch. Research this. 

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On 1/11/2022 at 10:42 PM, The_Creative_Quitter said:

Having something you truly dream of that takes years is a GOOD thing!  Find that thing that makes you passionate enough to spend your life honing it.  It's not about the end goal, it IS about what you do "daily."

I'm trying to make my habit routine pleasurable, I want to enjoy every moment of my life. Maybe it just takes time to adapt to lifestyle without gaming, I'm just something like 20 days in.

 

17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Don't relapse. Remember the pain you've felt from relapse. This takes a long time and although you feel terrible it's still an instantaneous situation in your life and if you can get past these few hours without gaming you'll be ok.

Change your mental environment and think about something else by being in an interactive and responsible situation. 

Thank you, Matt, I'm feeling much better now. Not sure how to change my mental environment while sitting in my room at home. Maybe I have to instantly go outside when I feel urges to play, I'll try this next time.

 

17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You're trying to associate being bad at new things with shame and being pathetic and that means you're hiding from something in your past. There's a reason you're elite at overwatch. Research this. 

 When Overwatch was the only thing I was committed to, I got used to being excellent at what I do and I it felt good. Now I'm committed to studying and I'm absolutely horrible at it. Last few years of high school I didn't understand shit. Now I have to pick everything up from the beginning. Almost everyone, including people younger than me already know all this. I have 5 months until my exam. If I won't make it again, then everyone who knows me are going to be completely disappointed.. again.

The only reason I was good at Overwatch is that I played this game 8-12 hours a day for 5 years. That's it, I'm not talented in any way. Everyone on my place could've done this.

Maybe I just don't understand something due to lack of experience.

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5 hours ago, WhoCares said:

I'm trying to make my habit routine pleasurable, I want to enjoy every moment of my life. Maybe it just takes time to adapt to lifestyle without gaming, I'm just something like 20 days in.

 

Thank you, Matt, I'm feeling much better now. Not sure how to change my mental environment while sitting in my room at home. Maybe I have to instantly go outside when I feel urges to play, I'll try this next time.

 

 When Overwatch was the only thing I was committed to, I got used to being excellent at what I do and I it felt good. Now I'm committed to studying and I'm absolutely horrible at it. Last few years of high school I didn't understand shit. Now I have to pick everything up from the beginning. Almost everyone, including people younger than me already know all this. I have 5 months until my exam. If I won't make it again, then everyone who knows me are going to be completely disappointed.. again.

The only reason I was good at Overwatch is that I played this game 8-12 hours a day for 5 years. That's it, I'm not talented in any way. Everyone on my place could've done this.

Maybe I just don't understand something due to lack of experience.

It's not a lack of talent. Studying is tougher than video games and more exciting. I forced myself to study 300 hours for my exam last October and passed. I failed twice before it. You gotta put in the time to gain experience. I think you need to create a structure to be proficient at studying. You were good at overwatch because you understood the purpose of the game, the strengths and weaknesses of characters, and how to work as a team under a time constraint. If you can do the same thing with your study materials you'll pass. It's topics requiring problem solving under a time constraint. 

Get creative. 

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On 1/13/2022 at 6:47 AM, BooksandTrees said:

It's not a lack of talent. Studying is tougher than video games and more exciting. I forced myself to study 300 hours for my exam last October and passed. I failed twice before it. You gotta put in the time to gain experience. I think you need to create a structure to be proficient at studying. You were good at overwatch because you understood the purpose of the game, the strengths and weaknesses of characters, and how to work as a team under a time constraint. If you can do the same thing with your study materials you'll pass. It's topics requiring problem solving under a time constraint. 

Get creative. 

Thank you, Matt. I think I’ll need to experiment for a while to develop a routine that would work for me. And I need time to make a habit out of studying. Now it feels hard and unrewarding, but I think I can figure it out. 

Edited by WhoCares
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13 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Thank you, Matt. I think I’ll need to experiment for a while to develop a routine that would work for me. And I need time to make a habit out of studying. Now it feels hard and unrewarding, but I think I can figure it out. 

You've got this. 

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I did a lot of animation work this weekend. It felt great. Nothing to show yet but I've been making progress. 

Almost fully moved in with my girlfriend. She's been wonderful and I'm extremely grateful and fortunate to have her in my life. 

Work is picking up. It was slow last week. 

I'm dressing better for work even though I work from home. 

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On 1/17/2022 at 7:27 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I did a lot of animation work this weekend. It felt great. Nothing to show yet but I've been making progress. 

Almost fully moved in with my girlfriend. She's been wonderful and I'm extremely grateful and fortunate to have her in my life. 

Work is picking up. It was slow last week. 

I'm dressing better for work even though I work from home. 

Hehe, glad you're on a streak of awesomeness! I'm planning to "move in" with my partner next year (as in, live in a college dorm together haha), very excited for that too. As for animation, I've been taking online classes and learning much more about it.... I don't know how experienced you are with it, but I think that this website might be of interest to you... https://www.projectcity.tv/classes

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I still find that I get extremely worked up when I'm being targeted in an argument or something or someone is taking stress out on me. 

Previously, I'd play video games, watch porn, or eat junk food. Or just sleep and get depressed. I'm catching myself this time though. 

My manager was being very rude to me on my call. My initial reaction was to want to scream at him and belittle him and make him feel like shit. I withdrew myself and saw he was stressed and panicking so I asked him if he was ok instead. He acted much nicer after that and we were fine. 

Although it's fine, I needed to unpack my emotions from the call because I had stored them temporarily. As I was letting go of the situation I became blindly angry again. I decided to write about it here to get it out of my system because it's a 1 time thing. 

I feel better now. I don't like feeling sad and will choose anger instead and it becomes powerful. 

 

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Is it stress induced eating Matt?

When I’ve had an argument, I summarized the chain of events without any emotion (as factually as possible) on a piece of paper. I learned this from James Clear’s newsletter. 

I’ll tell you some things I’ve very reluctantly discovered and accepted: 1. Its ok to dislike someone’s behaviour

2. its ok not be liked by someone for being yourself.

Hope you get better soon.

One of Jocko’s tips is to be proactive or aggressive at work by default . He says initiative will cost you a little bit in the short term, but people will accept that you are the proactive type over time. This may be totally unrelated to your post. Im still close to passive by default, but that may be already changing.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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I've finally moved in with my girlfriend! It's been about a week so far and it's great. I really enjoy this space and I feel we have enough degree if separation with work during the day so that when we see each other at night it feels like a normal work day. 

It feels very wholesome and happy to be together and not have to leave. I was getting sad when I'd return home alone. 

Work is going well and I've been doing animation stuff on weekends because I'm too tired after work. 

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I almost died on Wednesday. I had an anaphylactic response to a bagel I ate within seconds of the first bite. I thought it was heartburn at first because it was burning and severe throat pain. But then it felt more allergy related so I quickly took a benadryl and tums. I went to the hospital and couldn't really move. My body broke out in hives and I started itching. I had no energy at all. I had to take several breaths between words and I was in so much pain in my throat, chest, and stomach. 

They gave me an iv with allergy medication and steroids and I got better within a few hours. I've had no energy the past few days because of how much stress my body was under but I took the past 2 days off of work to rest. I'm feeling better now. 

I had no idea I was allergic to seeds inside of a multigrain bagel. I'm getting allergy tested next week. I highly recommend people get tested for allergies and potentially avoid what I went through. 

The doctors said if I didn't take a benadryl after that first bite my throat would have closed and I might not have made it since you can die within 5 minutes if you're severely allergic. 

Scary. 

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Oh no!!! That is so scary! I am glad you took Benadryl. 
 

It’s crazy how just like that life can change. Something can happen. I am sure it was a huge shock to you and hope you are taking plenty of time to rest. 
 

Take care friend. And let us know how you are feeling. 

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On 2/7/2022 at 2:39 PM, Icandothis said:

Oh no!!! That is so scary! I am glad you took Benadryl. 
 

It’s crazy how just like that life can change. Something can happen. I am sure it was a huge shock to you and hope you are taking plenty of time to rest. 
 

Take care friend. And let us know how you are feeling. 

Thank you! I'm doing much better now. My fiance took great care of me during my recovery and work has been kind. I'm now back to full strength and doing my things again. 

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Getting my allergy tests performed today to see what I'm allergic to. I'm excited for this. I feel like it will also help with general digestion issues I've had with hidden ingredients. 

Work is going better. I have direction on all my projects so I feel good. 

I want to spend a few hours doing animation this weekend. I get too tired after work and just don't really enjoy being on the computer past 5 pm. It really drains me. So I'll animate this weekend and continue working on my rigs.

I'll drum after work the next 2 days and do some art. 

I'm enjoying living with my fiancee. It's a very warm and loving environment. I've never experienced that before. 

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