Dear Diary...

[Ikar]

17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been very stressed lately. Work has been pretty exhausting and I'm at a point where I'm afraid to log in sometimes and work on this one specific project that is very hard. I'm stressed because I'm designing 3 things that I've never done before and it's tough making sure you've covered your bases and have all the correct information. So I'm just kind of making sure I have everything I need. The math itself isn't stressful. It's just the process. I also can't seem to make a lot of progress because I have people always asking me questions. I'm going to set up fake meetings I think for an hour or two just to get a good block of time on these.

I'm tired in general and haven't been sleeping great. I switched my pillow because I noticed my neck was hurting when I woke up. I've gotten much better sleep ever since the switch.

I wrote another chapter of my book and I did some exercise outside on Saturday. It felt nice. 

I've found my sex drive to be very low. I'm not interested in it that much and I am extremely tired/bored of porn and my usage of it has dwindled considerably. I sometimes wonder if I have lowered testosterone levels or something recently. I have a doctor appointment next week for a physical so I'll ask about it then.

@Amphibian220 makes a good point about some healthy level of stress. It can definitely affect your sleep and sex drive. Definitely a good idea to check in with a doctor if it goes on for too long as @Cam Adair mentioned.

To that I'd add that I, too, have a naturally beautiful, empathetic and smart girlfriend to whom I'm very attracted to. All of my friends say we click really well. However I think that sex drive is different at the first stages of the relationship and the later stages. If you are committed for the (healthy) long-term, sex just becomes something you do regularly and it's hard to be regularly super excited about something you do regularly 😄

[BooksandTrees]

On 7/24/2023 at 7:38 PM, Amphibian220 said:

 

I want to say something, if you quit video games, you may have not quit the games completely.

I was a fan of boxing matches throughout my youth and visited boxing tournaments. There is such a thing that the commentators call “forcing your fight on the opponent”. This is when the opponent is put into a   disadvantageous position when he is going to have his ups and downs, but on the whole it is a lost fight for him. If he doesn’t find that thread, or trick how to transition the fight to a different kind, his opponent will dominate.

One athlete also said that your body sort of knows what you are going to put it through, and prepares in advance to eliminate any chance of growth. This is when the athlete hits a plateau and cannot rise above a certain level. To get rid of that athletes put their bodies in shock (ofcourse they have to be sure not to cause themselves permanent health problems)

Now on to your post, the stress mounted over time. Could it have been because you haven’t reacted early by changing things around or that changes have been too small?

This is me thinking out loud to try and steer you more towards analysis, although you may already have figured this out.  how long has it been since your last vacation Matt? 

Thanks. I think it's been two different timelines. I think it's a long timeline where so many big changes have happened in the past 4 years, but there are smaller timelines that I'll say go from month to month or even week to week. I think my long timeline is going a lot better and stabilizing, but the month to month ones are still a little hectic at times. Compare it to velocity and acceleration. Overall, the velocity is a comfortable pace, but at the moment, acceleration is all over.

[BooksandTrees]

On 7/25/2023 at 4:18 AM, Ikar said:

@Amphibian220 makes a good point about some healthy level of stress. It can definitely affect your sleep and sex drive. Definitely a good idea to check in with a doctor if it goes on for too long as @Cam Adair mentioned.

To that I'd add that I, too, have a naturally beautiful, empathetic and smart girlfriend to whom I'm very attracted to. All of my friends say we click really well. However I think that sex drive is different at the first stages of the relationship and the later stages. If you are committed for the (healthy) long-term, sex just becomes something you do regularly and it's hard to be regularly super excited about something you do regularly 😄

I'll see what the doctor says, but I think it's mostly stress and I think you raise a great point about how the impulse wanes over the duration of a relationship because you crave love more than lust I think over time.

[Amphibian220]

Robert Glover writes a great deal in the later chapters of the book about solving problems in intimacy.

He advised one of his patients to go on a 6 month moratorium. This moratorium coupled with a very healthy environment rebuilt the patient’s health to maximum potential.

Moratorium means totally diverting attention away from intimacy (even not thinking about it) to many other things. In fact being involved with an exciting sport, totally expends all energy in the right kind of way and facilitates the moratorium.

I see that men are supposed to give short attention to intimacy to stay healthy, but tv and internet create harmful habits.

[BooksandTrees]

On 7/29/2023 at 9:04 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Robert Glover writes a great deal in the later chapters of the book about solving problems in intimacy.

He advised one of his patients to go on a 6 month moratorium. This moratorium coupled with a very healthy environment rebuilt the patient’s health to maximum potential.

Moratorium means totally diverting attention away from intimacy (even not thinking about it) to many other things. In fact being involved with an exciting sport, totally expends all energy in the right kind of way and facilitates the moratorium.

I see that men are supposed to give short attention to intimacy to stay healthy, but tv and internet create harmful habits.

I'll take a look into this. Thank you.

[BooksandTrees]

I had a much better week this week. I'd say 4 out of 5 days I was operating over 100% efficiency at work lol. Got a lot done and got a lot of praise from my managers and coworkers who are working for me on a few projects.

I also had some very productive conversations with my wife about a few things we've been discussing and came to some great solutions. 

I also did more cleaning this week and more hobbies in general like fixing furniture and re-finishing them with better stain etc. Less TV and screen time in general. I haven't written this week yet, but I organized a writing group with 3 friends tomorrow and we're gonna write for a while. I'm excited for that.

[BooksandTrees]

This might have been my most productive week at work in years. I felt really good and got lots of compliments from my peers. I also enjoyed what I was doing. It just felt nice. I haven't been able to write or read much, but I'll try and do some today and this weekend. I also got a new weight loss app called FatSecret to help track calories. I was kind of annoyed with MyFitnessPal.

[BooksandTrees]

I did a lot of exercise this weekend and I did it in a fun way. I bought laser tag on Amazon and had family visit. We ran around my yard playing it and I haven't sweat like that since I did boxing. I've also done yoga 3 times this week. I'm feeling really happy about this and plan on keeping it up. Been good for my mood. 

 

I've been building with legos recently and that's been very therapeutic. It provides the same feeling of being busy and productive without thinking. Similar to TV or gaming, but without the addictive component. 

[Amphibian220]

that layer of sweat that covers you completely head to toes. Yes, thats a sweat a boxing session gives. It also means you’re going to get healthy sleep that day. Explosive workouts are essential to be healthy. 

[BooksandTrees]

Good week so far. Got some utility updates in my house Tuesday and Wednesday and my heating and cooling is now more efficient. 

I've been sorting legos and drawing a bit again. I was thinking of finishing an animation I was working on last winter. 

I haven't written much but I plan to tomorrow. 

[BooksandTrees]

I wrote 3000 words last night. What a relief. I felt like my writers voice returned and I enjoyed it. This was also the first week I didn't need my glasses in months. I've been using my computers and phone way less and I think it's helping headache issues. I've been cooking and cleaning and doing house projects. 

I feel like I want to write every day but I still get anxiety that it's not relaxing and mostly work. 

Creative hobbies are exhilarating for me but exhausting. I still love my couch time. 

[BooksandTrees]

I've been reading and writing more frequently now that my big house projects are complete. I'm almost done with another chapter of my book. 

I thought about animating a bit but I really don't enjoy it. I think it's one of those sunk cost things. I hate drawing backgrounds and details. I basically just want to draw people with no hands or feet and have them do stupid things. But I lose interest fast. I find writing pulls me in more. 

I built some legos this weekend. I really missed it. I think building was my favorite form of art as a kid because it was tangible and fun. I also wanted to disconnect from screens more. 

[BooksandTrees]

I also haven't done anything today lol. I've cooked breakfast lunch and dinner for my wife and me, read a chapter of a book,  did laundry, taken 2 naps, and that's about it lol.

I would normally get angry at myself for this but I'm not and I'll say why. Even at my most focused self, I can only write for 1 hour tops. Even if I wanted to do the drums,  I only play for 30 minutes tops. Even if I were to read, which I did, it lasts about 30 minutes to 1 hour. That's only 3 hours. I could do all of those activities before bed tonight. 

I just think it's important to say that because I used to play runescape and other games for 6 to 18 hours a day. After quitting, I thought I needed to do new hobbies that long. The thing is, you can't do every hobby for 6 to 18 hours a day unless you're camping, hunting, or going on a safari. It's just not going to happen. That's why I tell everyone, and a lot of articles tell everyone, to learn to accept boredom. 

Life isn't meant to be an 18 hour series of time blocks for your specific hobby. That's why we get brain fog after playing games. It's not fog, you're mentally exhausted. Which gets me back to my day of nothing. I think I I'm exhausted and just needed to rest. So I did. 

[Amphibian220]

It is not only entertainment that consumes people, but work too. People have to disengage from too much of one thing and serve their needs during the day. You are not a cog of the society as much as it would want you to become so. So it is essentail we disconnect, even risk losing a job to have the life mission we want. The uncertainty of these actions can be used to advantage. Some people think uncertainty is bad, I think a degree of uncertainty helps in becoming strong because you start trusting yourself.

 

[Pochatok]

13 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

entertainment that consumes people, but work too

Been struggling with 👆 more than ever now that I have my 1st full-time job. So hard to not feel like I "should" be working beyond what I'm expected to, even though I've committed strongly to putting in only the minimum amount of time into my current passion.

And I second uncertainty as a guiding star. Everyday, I make an attempt to commit to a passion I've always desired to realize, but equally struggled to develop and maintain. Most of the time, I feel like I am not  moving anywhere, because a future where I am living my dream feels so, so far. But at the same time, I know that I am more than capable, if I forget about the darkness that is "tomorrow" and instead focus on the known and empowering present moment.

Po

[Pochatok]

On 9/3/2023 at 5:28 PM, BooksandTrees said:

learn to accept boredom. 

There is some wonderful books on boredom (with the word in the title- have you read any?) that argue that is precisely this feeling/experience that has led humanity to cascade into a civilization. Boredom is the ideal soil for peak creativity; that's the space where brightest ideas snap into awareness.

[BooksandTrees]

14 hours ago, Pochatok said:

There is some wonderful books on boredom (with the word in the title- have you read any?) that argue that is precisely this feeling/experience that has led humanity to cascade into a civilization. Boredom is the ideal soil for peak creativity; that's the space where brightest ideas snap into awareness.

I haven't read any. I just had that mentality to begin with I think. I'll be bored for a bit and start brainstorming and then have a story idea or plan to do something with the family or clean the house etc. It's a nice clarity time for me lol.

[BooksandTrees]

This week has been nice. It's the first week in months where I haven't had any major pushes at work. It's oddly relaxing this week. I think this will help me wind down and take a nap at lunch and just clear my mind tonight so I can do hobbies and spend time with family. I'm looking forward to it. 

I still want to do a better job at yoga practice but that will come. I've been reading and writing and relaxing and enjoying it. I also finished sorting my legos so I can build with those with my wife and have another hobby away from the computer screens. 

[Pochatok]

I'm feeling you so much with the "pushes" at work. As a student, I had some idea of what "working a lot" is, but having an actual 9-5 is just such a different type of labor... I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately, struggling to maintain same productivity off-work as I used to outside of class... 

Though, I think we all are doing our best; so many times I struggle to perceive the greatness of exhaustion and stress work puts me through! Embracing rest (even it when it feels "wrong" or just unwanted) and boredom have been very helpful- thank you for influencing my perspectives on those with your stories 💛

[BooksandTrees]

10 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling you so much with the "pushes" at work. As a student, I had some idea of what "working a lot" is, but having an actual 9-5 is just such a different type of labor... I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately, struggling to maintain same productivity off-work as I used to outside of class... 

Though, I think we all are doing our best; so many times I struggle to perceive the greatness of exhaustion and stress work puts me through! Embracing rest (even it when it feels "wrong" or just unwanted) and boredom have been very helpful- thank you for influencing my perspectives on those with your stories 💛

The daily grind can really be exhausting but through time we start to find what our comfort level is with amount of hours and focus level during that time. 

I also think a great deal of my frustration is thinking I'll be as productive outside of work as I am at work. It's just not possible. I think a big problem with those of us quitting games is that we think we need to spend an equal amount of time on one hobby and honestly, 15 to 30 minutes is enough. 

I'm glad I could help support you as you have also supported me. Thank you. 

[Ikar]

On 9/3/2023 at 8:11 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I've been reading and writing more frequently now that my big house projects are complete. I'm almost done with another chapter of my book. 

How were the house projects? My project to get my grandma a new kitchen has been going on for several months. It is heavily influenced by the fact that I won't be the primary user, the travel distance to her and the fact that there were/are many unpredictable problems popping up along the way. It's been a drag, even though I can objectively say I've done maybe half the work already.

My girlfriend coined the idea of living together a few times. I think we'd work and live well together too, but based on my experience above, heaven forbid I'm gonna start furnishing a new flat in the next few months.

On 9/3/2023 at 11:28 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I just think it's important to say that because I used to play runescape and other games for 6 to 18 hours a day. After quitting, I thought I needed to do new hobbies that long. The thing is, you can't do every hobby for 6 to 18 hours a day unless you're camping, hunting, or going on a safari. It's just not going to happen. That's why I tell everyone, and a lot of articles tell everyone, to learn to accept boredom. 

Life isn't meant to be an 18 hour series of time blocks for your specific hobby. That's why we get brain fog after playing games. It's not fog, you're mentally exhausted. Which gets me back to my day of nothing. I think I I'm exhausted and just needed to rest. So I did. 

 

On 9/4/2023 at 11:49 AM, Amphibian220 said:

It is not only entertainment that consumes people, but work too. People have to disengage from too much of one thing and serve their needs during the day. You are not a cog of the society as much as it would want you to become so. So it is essentail we disconnect, even risk losing a job to have the life mission we want. The uncertainty of these actions can be used to advantage. Some people think uncertainty is bad, I think a degree of uncertainty helps in becoming strong because you start trusting yourself.

 

On 9/5/2023 at 1:20 AM, Pochatok said:

There is some wonderful books on boredom (with the word in the title- have you read any?) that argue that is precisely this feeling/experience that has led humanity to cascade into a civilization. Boredom is the ideal soil for peak creativity; that's the space where brightest ideas snap into awareness.

I still feel tired after my Georgian holiday, even after a day at home. It's going to take me a while to get bored myself! Those two weeks also allowed me to step back and to gain perspective on the multitude of projects I've been working on. They are many, but once I'm caught up, they'll get segmented into half-hour or hour long blocks with pauses in between. I'm looking forward to being bored and being in the moment just with myself. Maybe it'll come later this day, as I don't have a specific plan for today.

On 9/9/2023 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling you so much with the "pushes" at work. As a student, I had some idea of what "working a lot" is, but having an actual 9-5 is just such a different type of labor... I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately, struggling to maintain same productivity off-work as I used to outside of class... 

As @BooksandTrees wrote above, it's hardly realistic to expect yourself to do something for many hours a day effectively, especially without segmentation. I'm currently catching up on my projects by jumping between activities, both fun and important, to create a healthy balance and to hop back into the rhythm.

I mostly have classes with my students in the morning and late afternoon/evening, meaning my work load is naturally segmented. I have also found out that to focus on my students for more than 8 hours a day is tough and that I am not as sharp afterwards when they need assistance.

An insight: Granted the nature of my work, I also spent a lot of time on "off-work but work" activities - emails, networking, seminars, invoices, preparation for classes etc. I even started marking them by a different color in my calendar last month, as the average of these is 30 hours a month in my last 5 months. These activities then effectively add up to 20-30% of my workload a month. I can make my students (or their companies) compensate me for that, but you likely can't tell the college to up your salary 20% because you worked 20% more hours this month.

Regardless, I hope you're able to find a good balance between work and your other important life activities 🙂

[Amphibian220]

Just sequence different types of work correctly and your energy will get replenished within that cycle of work, but eventually you need to sit down and take attention somewhere else. 

Telephone calls - 1 hour (enjoy communicating);

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours;

Exercise followed by lunch - 1.5 hours

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours

Setting up a prank on my manager - 20 minutes (make sure not to get myself fired)

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1 hour

Writing a chronology of today’s work- that will help me to remember where I stopped and get my bearings right on the next day without wasting effort on remembering things.

[BooksandTrees]

This weekend has been great. I wrote for an hour and played the drums for about an hour. I've done yoga each day and cleaned the house a bit. Doing some meal prep soon and I also found time for multiple naps and relax time with my wife. 

I was getting frustrated again that I want productive in my mind, but I reread the conversation we've been having here the past few weeks and I think it's important. This was the first time I played the drums in months and the most productive week in writing and exercise I've had in weeks. So I'm happy about this. I'm officially over a third of the way done with my draft. 

I decided that when I finish the draft and work on the first revision, I'll make a website and start my marketing plan. My goal is to build momentum up until release day and sell the book with some people interested in it. 

[BooksandTrees]

23 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Just sequence different types of work correctly and your energy will get replenished within that cycle of work, but eventually you need to sit down and take attention somewhere else. 

Telephone calls - 1 hour (enjoy communicating);

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours;

Exercise followed by lunch - 1.5 hours

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1.5 hours

Setting up a prank on my manager - 20 minutes (make sure not to get myself fired)

Analyzing documents and writing reports - 1 hour

Writing a chronology of today’s work- that will help me to remember where I stopped and get my bearings right on the next day without wasting effort on remembering things.

Great approach. It's just cool seeing how much we can do in short periods of time. I think this is way better and healthier than gaming life. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/16/2023 at 7:33 AM, Ikar said:

How were the house projects? My project to get my grandma a new kitchen has been going on for several months. It is heavily influenced by the fact that I won't be the primary user, the travel distance to her and the fact that there were/are many unpredictable problems popping up along the way. It's been a drag, even though I can objectively say I've done maybe half the work already.

My girlfriend coined the idea of living together a few times. I think we'd work and live well together too, but based on my experience above, heaven forbid I'm gonna start furnishing a new flat in the next few months.

 

 

I still feel tired after my Georgian holiday, even after a day at home. It's going to take me a while to get bored myself! Those two weeks also allowed me to step back and to gain perspective on the multitude of projects I've been working on. They are many, but once I'm caught up, they'll get segmented into half-hour or hour long blocks with pauses in between. I'm looking forward to being bored and being in the moment just with myself. Maybe it'll come later this day, as I don't have a specific plan for today.

As @BooksandTrees wrote above, it's hardly realistic to expect yourself to do something for many hours a day effectively, especially without segmentation. I'm currently catching up on my projects by jumping between activities, both fun and important, to create a healthy balance and to hop back into the rhythm.

I mostly have classes with my students in the morning and late afternoon/evening, meaning my work load is naturally segmented. I have also found out that to focus on my students for more than 8 hours a day is tough and that I am not as sharp afterwards when they need assistance.

An insight: Granted the nature of my work, I also spent a lot of time on "off-work but work" activities - emails, networking, seminars, invoices, preparation for classes etc. I even started marking them by a different color in my calendar last month, as the average of these is 30 hours a month in my last 5 months. These activities then effectively add up to 20-30% of my workload a month. I can make my students (or their companies) compensate me for that, but you likely can't tell the college to up your salary 20% because you worked 20% more hours this month.

Regardless, I hope you're able to find a good balance between work and your other important life activities 🙂

The house projects are good. We finished all major upgrades and can now focus on smaller things that aren't liabilities to the house. This is a huge relief. I think it's interesting you're doing this with your family member before your own place. I remember doing that with my family and found more pleasure doing my home with my wife. 

I'd include that time you spend outside of work in your review with your manager. See if that is normal or not. You might realize other teachers do more than that or others do way less. Might be a good experience.