Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

another thing that's been bothering me is I've been constantly watching videos or TV during work on the side. It's been really relaxing to have background noise when I work from home, but I feel guilty and zoned out. Like if I'm stressed I look forward to that quiet time watching tv.

It doesn't impact my productivity at all. I think it calms me down, like listening to a podcast or music. 

At that old job where I was being harassed, tv and apps made me feel safe and I was on them all day to avoid anything to do with my old boss. This time around I'm enjoying the job and feeling like the apps and TV are becoming work themselves. 

Finishing a TV show is becoming a job since they're so long and I want to know what's next. It's stressing me out. 

I'm afraid to just work because I get stressed and feel panic. I also feel like I'm wasting time not multitasking and doing a hobby while working. 

 

[LostRiver]

Hi Matt,

Hope things are managable. Multi-tasking for a long time may do damage in the form of burnout. Have you considered listening to just white noise instead of shows if it tires you to watch actual shows/ movies during work?

Anyway, wanna drop in to thank you for an advice you gave a while back. You told me to let Goodreads or librarians pick books that I would like since I was trying to pick up reading as a hobby. I have succeeded. It only took more than 9 months but now reading for fun is almost a daily activity for me.

I read AA Grapevine and listen to their podcast. Basically it's a bunch of addicts interviewing and sharing sorta light-hearted stories about recovery and fellowship. It is genuinely relatable and entertaining. They even have jokes!

Here are the links to podcast and bookstore if you wanna check them out. Stay strong, keep carrying the strength and hope to others!

https://www.aagrapevine.org/podcast

https://www.aagrapevine.org/store/books

Edited May 2, 2023 by LostRiver

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, LostRiver said:

Hi Matt,

Hope things are managable. Multi-tasking for a long time may do damage in the form of burnout. Have you considered listening to just white noise instead of shows if it tires you to watch actual shows/ movies during work?

Anyway, wanna drop in to thank you for an advice you gave a while back. You told me to let Goodreads or librarians pick books that I would like since I was trying to pick up reading as a hobby. I have succeeded. It only took more than 9 months but now reading for fun is almost a daily activity for me.

I read AA Grapevine and listen to their podcast. Basically it's a bunch of addicts interviewing and sharing sorta light-hearted stories about recovery and fellowship. It is genuinely relatable and entertaining. They even have jokes!

Here are the links to podcast and bookstore if you wanna check them out. Stay strong, keep carrying the strength and hope to others!

https://www.aagrapevine.org/podcast

https://www.aagrapevine.org/store/books

Thanks for this advice. I'll try it today and drop in with how it goes. 

I'm really glad the reading has become a daily thing and that you were also able to find a podcast. Great job sticking with it for those 9 months also. Like anything, all of this change takes time and patience. I'll try to remind myself of that on this journey. 

[BooksandTrees]

I tried listening to a podcast about something I was interested in and it derailed my work flow. This caused major anxiety and cravings for apps and former issues. I played an instrumental remix and feel myself calming down. I feel my body temperature lowering. I almost watched porn but realized I'm not into that and it was just my mind freaking out. I feel my thoughts slowing down. I feel more grounded. 

[LostRiver]

25 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I tried listening to a podcast about something I was interested in and it derailed my work flow. This caused major anxiety and cravings for apps and former issues.

Sorry for bringing up the podcast thing. How about just listening to white noise instead?There are plenty of albums (like this one). Anyway hope you find your rhythm 🙏

)

Edited May 2, 2023 by LostRiver

[Ikar]

21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I feel very burnt out after all the huge life events in the past few years. I don't think I've been coping with the stress well. I'm exhausted. 

They're good life events and bad from the 2 old jobs as well. Lots of Rollercoaster riding. I think I'm going to take the next week or two to detox from junk food and tv and apps etc. I haven't really been watching porn at all which is good. Maybe like twice a month which is a huge improvement over the 3 time a day years ago. 

 

I feel you. I remember the immediate fallout of games even after quitting. About a week after quitting, I got fired from my post office job. It was just unavoidable and even though I didn't care about it much, it wasn't encouraging. Some stuff will just drag on regardless of what you do now.

As for porn, I feel better the last few weeks or months as well, basically since I got my girlfriend. I watch it a few times a month too. I'd say I am curious about it rather than addicted to it at this point.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

 

I feel you. I remember the immediate fallout of games even after quitting. About a week after quitting, I got fired from my post office job. It was just unavoidable and even though I didn't care about it much, it wasn't encouraging. Some stuff will just drag on regardless of what you do now.

As for porn, I feel better the last few weeks or months as well, basically since I got my girlfriend. I watch it a few times a month too. I'd say I am curious about it rather than addicted to it at this point.

I hear you. I think this afternoon I made good progress and feel more engaged with my job than I did the past few weeks. I think not deferring to distractions is helping. My mind feels clearer already and I want to make more progress tomorrow. 

Yeah I think we were right about porn. It's more of something I use for research on something I want to try. I find porn so unrealistic to real life and only a few things are true. That was a huge boost to my self confidence. 

I was just using it when I was lonely as a single person as a fake source of intimacy and I'd become disinterested immediately after. 

Now I'm deeply happy with love, affection, and companionship.

[BooksandTrees]

Also, sorry if I'm spamming anyone's notifications when I post now. I'm gonna get back to posting more than once a month again. The summary was exhausting to write and I'd rather get back to discussing current feelings and problems rather than summarizing. 

[BooksandTrees]

I feel a lot better today. I've been extremely productive at work and enjoying it. I think I just needed a few days to clear my mind and get back in a better spot. 

I have almost no brain fog or anxiety now. It's a relief. 

[BooksandTrees]

I think the brain fog effect of the apps and videos is similar to gaming brain fog. Typically go through withdrawal for the first 2 days then each day is better after that. 

It's been a lot easier to start work now. I can do a few hours without needing a walk or something now. 

I also started reading my book again and I rode my bike for...2 miles lol. But it's better than nothing. 

[BooksandTrees]

This has been my most productive week at work in months. I got so much done and was motivated a good amount of time. I also finished writing the second chapter of my book. I'm up to almost 5500 words written. 

I'm still a little more tired in general but that's OK. I've also eaten healthier and has much better hygiene. 

[BooksandTrees]

I also wanted to add that I've been cleaning things around my house more often. A lot of environmental changes happen when you aren't dedicating hours to apps or games or porn etc. 

You start looking for things to do and they can have subtle, yet enjoyable impacts on your life. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm feeling a little down today because my back hurts from an injury I sustained over the weekend. One of my managers also keeps requesting me for his project and not giving me anything to work on and it's pissing me off. 

But I don't want that to distract me from how good of a weekend I had. I wrote over 4,000 words for my new book,  I finished a book I was reading, I planted apple trees in my yard, I cleaned my house, I got ice cream, and had a really powerful, positive conversation with my wife that really put a smile on my face. 

It's easy to look at these negatives but I'm gonna practice looking on the positive side. 

[Cam Adair]

 Over 200,000 views on your journal - how cool is that! 

My back hurt today also, hope you feel better soon.

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

 Over 200,000 views on your journal - how cool is that! 

My back hurt today also, hope you feel better soon.

Thanks! It's pretty special. I've been helped by a lot of people who have come and gone over the years. I'm pretty amazed by the success I've found and the people I've met. 

I hope your back feels better soon, too!

[BooksandTrees]

I think I'm in that familiar mindset when depressed where I can feel depression urging me to give in and just feel empty and sleep all day. That's a tough thing about depression. Sometimes you don't feel it for days and sometimes you feel it a few times a day. Just that urge to not do anything and sink. 

I'd feel comfortable sinking because it gives the feeling of escaping any daily responsibilities I have and I'd feel safe. On the other hand I want to make progress on my project at work and then write a few paragraphs for my book later. 

I think I'd feel better doing the productive part. But I'm still not ready to jump into my day yet. 

What I'll do is slowly open every program and file I need and just start doing little things here and there until I catch some momentum and not think about how tired I am. 

Anyways, this is an example of how my day starts most days and even though I've quit gaming and stuff, I still have this depression from time to time. 

[Zoe]

Hi there. I’m very new to this journey and am trying to keep up with a few other journals. I skimmed your journal but plan to read in more detail. Just wanted to let you know that your progress is inspiring 

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Zoe said:

Hi there. I’m very new to this journey and am trying to keep up with a few other journals. I skimmed your journal but plan to read in more detail. Just wanted to let you know that your progress is inspiring 

Thank you! If you have any questions let me know and I'll try to help. Be patient and be your own friend as you start this journey. It's very important to learn and practice self love and forgive yourself. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 5/2/2023 at 10:31 AM, LostRiver said:

Sorry for bringing up the podcast thing. How about just listening to white noise instead?There are plenty of albums (like this one). Anyway hope you find your rhythm 🙏

)

No, don't feel bad lol. It was an unrelated to your suggestion. It was about the hockey team I follow and I was frustrated they lost so I got distracted. I appreciate your suggestion and the white noise helped. 

[BooksandTrees]

Yesterday was more difficult than I anticipated. I tried my approach but ultimately, I took the day off and slept for several hours. 

I think I was overwhelmed with life and work and my mind was spiraling. I didn't want to waste time at work and I was starting to get overwhelmed with deadlines looming. 

Something I learned recently is my depression is considered a disability and I can get additional support. I don't have to suffer in silence and force myself to get over it if I can't. So I took the day off.

I feel better today. More focused and ready to do my work.

[Zoe]

38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Yesterday was more difficult than I anticipated. I tried my approach but ultimately, I took the day off and slept for several hours. 

I think I was overwhelmed with life and work and my mind was spiraling. I didn't want to waste time at work and I was starting to get overwhelmed with deadlines looming. 

Something I learned recently is my depression is considered a disability and I can get additional support. I don't have to suffer in silence and force myself to get over it if I can't. So I took the day off.

I feel better today. More focused and ready to do my work.

I am very happy for you that you took time to take care of you. Depression is heavy and only gets heavier if we try to push through in our own . 

[Faroe Islander]

9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Yesterday was more difficult than I anticipated. I tried my approach but ultimately, I took the day off and slept for several hours. 

I think I was overwhelmed with life and work and my mind was spiraling. I didn't want to waste time at work and I was starting to get overwhelmed with deadlines looming. 

Something I learned recently is my depression is considered a disability and I can get additional support. I don't have to suffer in silence and force myself to get over it if I can't. So I took the day off.

I feel better today. More focused and ready to do my work.

Congratulations on finding the right not so obvious long term path to deal with depression, it is a serious issue and I hope that the additional support you can receive as well as your other measures you have been building though out the years help you deal with it appropriately.

Hope you have a better day and week ahead of you 

[BooksandTrees]

The week ended well. I have worked very hard with my wife the past few days on some house projects. We've made a lot of progress after being burned out a bit. It feels nice. We'll pay attention to avoiding more burnout. 

I wrote another 2000 words for my book. My coach is reading and editing the first chapter now. I'll be wrapping up chapter 3 tonight most likely. 

I've eaten better this week but still let down by my weight. I think I'm on the right track. My back is feeling better now too and I've been more active in general. I finished reading my second book of the year and am starting my third now. 

[Faroe Islander]

Congratulations, it is a lot of progress, don't let the weight get you down, with weight and exercise what matters most is maintaining consistency in the face of non-linear results. You will some weeks see more progress than others, if this was one of the lower results one thats fine what is important is the progress you are making towards creating a healthier lifestyle that you feel confortable with and I commend you for your progress 

[BooksandTrees]

I've become a lot more productive at work these past few weeks and I'm getting busier. Lot of interesting projects coming my way. I'm a little tired in general because it's a lot of learning but it's enjoyable. 

I'm eager to hear back from my writing coach to see if she read my chapter yet. 

I also noticed I'm starting to yearn for writing. Kind of like a craving in a good way. I wrote another idea for a story down and I'm looking to write again soon.