LostRiver

Sorry for bringing up the podcast thing. How about just listening to white noise instead?There are plenty of albums (like this one). Anyway hope you find your rhythm 🙏 )

Hi Matt, Hope things are managable. Multi-tasking for a long time may do damage in the form of burnout. Have you considered listening to just white noise instead of shows if it tires you to watch actual shows/ movies during work? Anyway, wanna drop in to thank you for an advice you gave a while back. You told me to let Goodreads or librarians pick books that I would like since I was trying to pick up reading as a hobby. I have succeeded. It only took more than 9 months but now reading for fun is almost a daily activity for me. I read AA Grapevine and listen to their podcast. Basically it's a bunch of addicts interviewing and sharing sorta light-hearted stories about recovery and fellowship. It is genuinely relatable and entertaining. They even have jokes! Here are the links to podcast and bookstore if you wanna check them out. Stay strong, keep carrying the strength and hope to others! https://www.aagrapevine.org/podcast https://www.aagrapevine.org/store/books

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? To be able to sympathize, to enjoy life by loving and accepting the little things, to spend time with family, to connect with people To make decisions that will not lead to pain and regrets, to not hurt, but love, to not fear, but trust. To live with peace of mind To be hopeful for the future, to show acceptance for myself right at this moment, and to live with joy and hope and not fear and despair, and hate. What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? In what areas of my life do I need sanity now? In what areas of my life do I need sanity now?: I need help dealing with loneliness and pain of being different.

Congrats, the first days are always the hardest! Did staying away from Reddit give you more free time and Can you share some stuffs that you switch to to entertain yourself if it did? Besides using the time to take care of your family that is 😄

What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life? - The greatest evidence (that sometimes even I forget) is that my life has changed for the better: I do not have more money, I do not have girls (sadge) but I now live with some semblance of peace in my soul: I enjoy whatever I now (still) have, I can take care of myself and my family (a bit) - I found peace: I do pray to get what I want, but mostly what I get is the strength to deal with life without resort to using, the perspective that "it" is not all bad, "it" is not lethal, and how I feel is not how I am doing. What are the characteristics my Higher Power does not have? - My High Power is not a wish granter. I will not have what I want by praying - HP has nothing to do with money and reasonable finances - HP has nothing to do with the love I ask that girls give me - HP cannot prevent death, just the pain of it - My HP does not have a "motive", a human motive of benefits, worship, faith, love, etc. What are the characteristics my Higher Power has? - Unconditional love: My Higher Power loves me and want me to live my life free of addictions, even when I have made no sacrifices to it/him, no prayers - No malice: My Higher Power does not punish, and does not want me to die - Faith in me: My Higher Power believes that I can change and wants me to change to have a good life - Stability and security: my Higher Power is always there to listen to me, to guide me, to love me through my life.

Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean? How? Prayers have helped me dealt with emotions/ trauma/ tireness/ bad times Hope is the key too. Through the connection with my higher power, I have understood that: - My Higher Power will not let me die - My Higher Power believes that I can change and will help me change - My Higher Power wants me to have a good life From learning this, I have come to have hope about my future, where once I was hopeless, living in despair of active addiction. Can a Power greater than I am help me recover? How? Yes, a Power greater than I am can help me recover. - The greatest example is that my Higher Power has helped me to change myself. I used to be all about me, I used to work so hard so that things go my way. I ended up isolated, angry, bitter, paranoid all the time. The using/abusing and addiction comes after that. Now, I am in connection with the world. Things do happen but they are no longer unbearable. Things might still be painful. Things can still be terrible. But I can live knowing that I don't have to use to live. Therefore I find peace, content, love, compassion, sympathy and a bit of joy in my life. And I change my outlook, I connect with people, I have love, compassion, sympathy to give. This in turns can make me more successful, respectable and thus (perhaps one day) wealthy. - My connection with my Higher Power is not strong enough right now but once it is, I can make the best decision for myself My decisions used to be influenced completely by my using -> my ego -> my paranoid feelings (fear/ primal fear/ anger/ pain/ grief, etc) -> my defects (envy, laziness, short-sightedness, impatience, self-pity,etc) With guide of my higher power, I can make the best decisions for myself and people I care about. It may not lead to riches, but it will lead to peace. And (I hope) if I align my success with the success of my community/ my immediate company (those close to me by proximity and not benefits, not corporate as a whole), my decision will lead to my success in my career.

[[[THE TAPE]]] So you are using. Let me remind you of this: You didn't get promoted. The young people at the office see you as an example, how not live life. You boss and colleagues put up with you, see you as a baby or nightmare to work with. They never respect you. So you are using. Remember you are scared. You are confused. You always are. Deep inside you have no idea how your life will turn out. You have no idea how much preparation you have done. Or what you have accomplished to one day build a future for yourself and your parents. So you are using. Lately, have you done anything to make your parents happy? Fuck it, have you done anything even help your parents in their old age? So you are using. Remember You dare not think of love. Of marriage. Of even connecting with a girl. For fear that she knows you live like a pig. Eat sleep pleasure repeats. So you are using. Have you grown? Have you developed yourself? Have you challenged yourself? If you have and failed, you would have gotten some experience. If you have and succeeded, you would have felt proud, and secured, and at peace. So you are using. You feel terrible, today has been rough. Rememer how you feel is not how you do. Even if you are down, nothing is forever. If you are in pain, treat yourself and it will go away. But if you quit, the pain will last forever. Numbness cannot make the brain forget. Using can always make it worse. So you cannot go on. Remember that there are others, who carry hope. Take a walk. Call someone. Pray to your Higher Power. Cry. Trust that you can change. Believe you can create a better life, and believe you deserve it. One day at a time.

Do I have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself? Yes, I do have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself. Hell, I even gawk at the ideas that other people know more than me. Sometimes I think myself to be the wisest, or to know best. Sometimes that is true, when it comes to myself and my life. But other times, I am wrong at shit. I also have problems believing that someone/ something else can run my life better than me. It is practical that I know what to do with my life because I know my habits, what I like, what I don't like. But that is not true anymore. My brain is against me. My emotions buried so long by the numbness of addiction that my emotional cortex is fucked up. I am prone to anger, lashing out, pain, despair, delusion of grandeur, conspiracy, dark thoughts, paranoia, mismatched expectations, etc I cannot trust my "wisdom" nor can I trust my "feelings"/ "gut"/ "instinct" Also, I am afraid of uncertainty. To hand my life to something I cannot see or even understand sounds ludicrous. Sometimes, I feel like I rather live with the "certainty" that tomorrow I will keep using and going numb. Even when that reality will lead to me dying the next day. What are some things that are more powerful than I am? Plenty: my mentors are tougher, wiser and more experienced than me in all aspects of life. My parents have built their life AND a life for me from scratch, from war, from poverty. My employer, as a corporate will outlive me. An animal, a dog or a fish, free of hubris, can be wiser than me at times. The Sun, the Moon, the wind are constant in life while I am not. And so many more things Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean? How?

What experiences have I heard other recovering addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life? I have, I have. And it's awesome I heard one fellow in recovery told the story of how they were in bad shape and they had to the courage to go on because they trust that their higher power "will not let them die" (verbatim). I started believing the same, I lo and behold, I not only started living but I found that I was taken care of!!! My higher power has guided me through some tough moments and enabled me to find the fortune (literal luck) and strength take care of myself and my family! I heard another fellow started the day praying for the strength to stay sober and end the day by thanking higher power for giving such strength. So every morning, I started too. I am an ungrateful brat, I never do the thanking at the end of the day. I only know believing and praying works when I start having clean time again after many bad relapses. In what do I believe? Without my higher power, I actually believe in nothing. Not even myself. I do believe in the teachings of David Goggins, since the guy clearly made it be white-knuckling his way through his rough life. But I am not David Goggins, and trying to practice what he teaches has given me strength but at same time fueled my addiction. I became obsessive with getting better. I begin to neglect self-care to do crazy marathons. Ended up using even more. Now, I believe that there is a power: all powerful, all knowing, mysterious, looking out for me and wanting the best for me so I help others. I believe that my higher power loves me for who I am, addict and all. Lovingly, I put the face of Mr Rogers on this power, cuz I can only imagine such an intense and pure love coming from "something" like him. How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery? For now, I have gone from zealous to religious. Before, I was just throwing my life at my higher power or sort of using my HP as a source of hand-outs of luck and strength. It was blind reliance with a hint of fanaticism. But it still works!!! My life got better. But now I am up against darker, more progressive parts of my addiction, I have become religious. I study teachings (literature), I become more involved with the fellowship, I pray for advice, for the strength to help those who have helped me, etc. And I believe, consciously that my higher power sets a path for me to goodness, to being able to take care of myself and those important to me or those in need.

Relates big time mate!

Thank you for checking in. I mean I am just the same. I bought tons of stuffs to try to pick up new hobbies/ learn new skills/ meet new people, etc. But ended up dropping them all. Gotta be patient is one of the first lesson I learn since coming to game quitters, plus taking up new things take serious time, even when it's for hobby

An Attitude of Gratitude is the best defense From SoberTool Daily Message The best defense against frustration and sadness is an attitude of gratitude. I just make a list of five things I am grateful for whenever I am starting to feel angry, offended or as if life isn't fair or things never go my way, or whatever it is that is making me feel bad. Items that have been on my list are being free from pain, having enough food, having shelter, being able to walk out my front door without fear of being shot at, having my sight, my limbs, and not having killed anyone yet because of my alcoholism. To-do: Especially on a day like today when my baseball game got rained out, I am going to write down five things I am grateful for and put the list in my wallet and look at it later if I start to feel frustrated or dissatisfied again. Maybe I can't play baseball, but I am thankful for this app, for my dog, for waking up without a hangover, for other addicts who support me in the SoberTool Forum, for freedom from pain, and shelter from the rain. What are you grateful for?

As addicts, we're prone to wanting everything to happen instantly. But it's important to remember that Step Two is a process, not an event. Most of us don't just wake up one day and know that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We gradually grow into this belief. Still, we don't have to just sit back and wait for our belief to grow on its own; we can help it along. Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like? - It is hard to find something like that: I guess I lived a good life, with my parents providing for me, as such I do not have to gauging things too much. Not too many leaps of faith, not much risks, but at the same time, not too many opportunities taken. - The 1st times I take risks and join intership/ new position at my current company : 1st time, I was new to the company, but I just said I could go to places far from where I live, where there is plenty of work to do, many customers to serve. I believed that I could learn a lot more by serving customers. At the time, I was also steep in my addiction. All I did was work, stay late, go home, play games/ watch gaming content, sleep late, come in late, then repeat. I did not learn alot until I bumped into some nasty cases at work. My addiction prevented me from solving such problems and I turned into a living mess. Confused, hurt, afraid, without hope and without a plan to make things better. The stress overwhelmed me and I was consumed by my addiction. Granted, I did make acquaintance with my current mentor and many people who I respect. I met many people, and so I did become familiar with how business functions on the customers' side. It was not wasted. It was painful and I really wish I could have done better. But I do not regret taking that chance. - The 02nd times I take risks and join intership/ new position at my current company: 2nd time, I took a new position without knowing too much about it. I hated my current job and just wanted to escape. It was good when I got there, when I actually focus to apply myself to get stuffs done. I did make mistakes that I regrets but for 1st 6 months, I got dry. I was a dry drunk, not gaming but was very self-destructive. Once again shit got hairy. I left, I got demoted. I was almost fired. I hit rock bottom. But the people still help me and give me a chance and today I am healthy and accepted into that community, even though my unmanageable life still leads me to act out sometimes. Both experience was marred by my addiction. But by the end results, and by the acceptance of the people, the connections I made, I would say it was worthwhile. I just so regrets that my addiction destroyed my chances. Yes it was my addiction that destroyed my chances, not my "leap of faith".

What does the phrase, "We came to believe...," mean to me? - A strong desire: not just a compulsion, an obsession, a false worship but the result of a process. I have come a long way living an unmanagable life to arrive at this point. I believe because I truly, humbly and really want to be saved. -Deep-sitted: I now have proof that my Higher Power exist and can and is willing to take care of me (will add proof here) - The other way is wrong: I have tried everything else, and nothing works. Yet all I have for this in the beginning was my willingness. And it worked. I was saved, my life got better, I feel connected, I want to live life again. - An awakening: I was snapped out of my addiction and I wake up praying/ coming to believe

Do I have any other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe? What are they? - My relapses: it's kinda simple - all the dopamine hits that come with using will make me forget how terrible the consequences are. Being sober means dealing with my feelings, with things that sucks, with despair, etc. Also If my higher power can help me, why do I keep relapsing??? - "Being smart"/ there is a shortcut: I am not very smart. As a result, I tend to believe (out of shame and cynicism) that there is a "smart" way to do things, that there is a "shortcut", a hack somewhere that all the smart people know and I do not. To put it in another way, I am ashamed to look for help, any kind of help, because I keep holding on to the belief that I am stupid, no matter what I do or what I try. - Double life: I do not tell many people (especially at work) that I am an addict. Therefore, I am terrified that once I start working the steps seriously, once I start changing, people may know. And I have no idea how they will act: will they laugh at me? will they take advantage? will they hate? Also, can I face their reactions to the real me when sometimes even I struggle to accept my messed up life. - My guilt: I am too privileged, I never did anything to earn my place at work and in life. All I did was wasting my time, my parents resources, my company's money and opportunities. My existence (as an addict) and even not so only causes pain and suffering for others. So many had to take care of me instead of getting their shot at a better life. - My shame: as an addict, I find it so hard to shake it. Whatever I do, Ifeel a burden. I do not come into contact with people for fear that what I say, what I feel hurt them because of my unkempt addict's mind. Always afraid of things too late to be changed. Too late to fix. Always have to try to fix something, to be better to be equal and all.

Even though I am struggling bad with my tech abuse , I'll believe you on this one

Starting from today, instead of thinking/ remembering video games mirth, I will start writing in my head this movie "The first years of our lives" about recovering addicts. It will be based on "The best years of our lives" and all the fellowship stories I heard over the years. Don't nobody here steal it lol 🤣

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead? [[04]] Avoid dealing with Hunger, Anger, Tiredness, Loneliness (HALT) I tend to use or do other stuffs to avoid taking care of myself when I am hunger, angry, tired or lonely. I guess I don't know or don't have the tools so when I feel like so, I just "make" the quick decision to go numb by using. These feelings and the pain/discomfort they cause are not scary but rather muddled for me. Maybe it is trauma, maybe because I am autistic or something. But I do not feel hungry, angry or tired or lonely in a clear way. I can hardly tell if I am hungry at times. I just feel cold, uneasy. Then by chance, I eat and it goes away. Perhaps this is the damage that using has done to me. All that I am a switch: using or not using. My emotional cortex are fucked up. I am either extreme or vacant. Wonder what Cam says about this? Do I have any fears about coming to believe? What are they? - That I am the only one who "needs" this belief. That everyone does fine and dandy without having to turn their life and will over to a god. That everyone's life is fine and mine is not, hence my surrender. - Can I do the work? I have believed in so many things over the years, some good, some bad. But I have always failed to do the work. Why should this time stick? - How does it work? Does it work at all? - Am I missing out on life's stuffs when trying to work the steps? I see a lot of people just start hiding, coping with their bad stuffs while prioritising career/ money? Am I wrong? Vain? - I have so much troubles: money, career, emotions, relationships, health, family, etc. How can Higher Power help me with all or even any of those? It is even possible for me to get it together? - What if my Higher Power fails? What if I fail to recover? - What if some other bad stuffs happen? Bad luck, tragedies are everywhere in life - What if I am beyond help? I have been a wretch all my life? What if nothing can be done to help me? - What if it is too late and I cannot be helped? I mean I wasted like half my life and all my youth gaming and abusing tech??? - What if it sucks? what if life without addiction sucks?

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead? [[04]] Avoid dealing with Hunger, Anger, Tiredness, Loneliness (HALT) I tend to use or do other stuffs to avoid taking care of myself when I am hunger, angry, tired or lonely. I guess I don't know or don't have the tools so when I feel like so, I just "make" the quick decision to go numb by using. These feelings and the pain/discomfort they cause are not scary but rather muddled for me. Maybe it is trauma, maybe because I am autistic or something. But I do not feel hungry, angry or tired or lonely in a clear way. I can hardly tell if I am hungry at times. I just feel cold, uneasy. Then by chance, I eat and it goes away. Perhaps this is the damage that using has done to me. All that I am a switch: using or not using. My emotional cortex are fucked up. I am either extreme or vacant. Wonder what Cam says about this?

Remember, it's OK (and necessary) to follow good orderly direction (G.O.D.) without understanding why. Expect not to understand, just have faith and truly listen. This will reduce stress and push you further from a relapse. Kind of tough, but understanding there are things that I don't understand but are good for me is reasonable.

My inner conversation is different but I gotta admit I need to check out Cam's stuffs more!

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead? [[02]] Averse reaction to being overwhelmed Whenever I (even just briefly) recognize that I have so much to do, I will make excuses to use: just watch Youtube a little bit to rest, just check this info a bit, gotta do this, etc. I might actually do some minor stuffs but in reality I will slip into mindless browsing/ watching. Perhaps there is a fuck it somewhere, like fuck all this, imma go binge again. Or it is just me coping/ refusing to deal with my powerlessness over lack of time/ wasted time [[03]] Obsession: beating myself up after every failure, even small ones. Then using to numb the pain Every time I fail, every mistakes I make, even small, I beat myself up. I have this train of thought that I messed up because I was an addict, because of my wreckage of a youth, because I did not learn to do this when I was younger, etc. I understand that remorse is healthy. But all those things that I used to beat myself up are not: I can never change the past, I can never know that I will need this skill/ that specific experience in the future. EVEN IF I WAS NOT AN ADDICT, I COULD HAVE FAILED. Of course, the mental shithole that I put myself in is terrible. And surprise surprise, I have to use to avoid feeling so shitty, which I make myself feel like so in the 1st place. Deep down, I either: - Want people to pity me, love me for how painful I feel, how powerless I am, how weak I am - Want to remind myself of this mistake. I have lived a comfortable life and I am afraid that it will make me complacent - Hate myself for failing, internally screaming WHY AM I SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we've been clean for a while, we may find that a whole new level of denial is making it difficult to see the insanity in our lives. What is this denial that they speak of? I need to stay vigilant for it!! When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead? Will try to give 04 examples here [[01]] Very compulsive, Does not think of consequences at all. Act out of habit I do not think of the consequences of my bingeing or overeating at all. That moment (Friday afternoon, after work, etc) is my binge moment, so I binge eat, watch and all. I don't even remember how good it really is. I vaguely think that I have no other choice. I still go ahead with bingeing because I feel like I'm overwhelmed after work. I feel burnt out. Burdened. Always feel behind. Always feel like, when I come home, I gotta start doing A or B to prepare, to adapt, to learn, to be ahead, etc. I have had success dealing with this feeling when I come to eat with my parents, talk with them. I tell myself while doing it: You are doing the best thing you can do in this moment, and you are doing ok. I then feel relieved, burden lifted, envigorated.

If you have not tried anything, you can try my stuff! I have this "method" which I learnt from a nurse in Gaming Addicts Anonymous Actually this is quite close to what you have discovered by yourself. It goes like this: - Stop and identify: your stress can be natural and even a healthy defence mechanism to help you against exhaustion. So when you feel uneasy, stop and try to see what and why you are feeling? Are you tired, bored, lonely, etc - Acknowledge: I used to throw tantrums or just start daydreaming or just straight up start using/ bingeing (games, tech) when I feel upset. Of course, the ramifications of such coping mechanisms are dire. So now if I can just sit there and feel life crap, I'll take it. Just sort of relish why you are feeling like so and have a "you" moment 'cause it is how feel, not an addiction-enduced sensation. - Get grounded: but then again it's a feeling/ a thought of some sort. Until you act, a thought is just a thought. It will go away. After giving myself some space, I usually think of something practical or just grab something to remind myself that I can still live in this moment without using or making a fuss about how I feel. Example: As I have been an addict for 15+ years, I have a lot of grief. At work, whenever I mess up or things do not go my way, my mind often dial it back to all the years I spent in addiction, effectively paralyzing me from continuing working. However, The tables across from me (literally 3 meters across) are full of young dudes. They are loud, they are rowdy and at our table we can always hear them laugh or joke. It used to piss me off and I tried to push those the feeling of getting pissed away via denial or some negative egotistical affirmation (they are not that loud, they are just kids, bunch of pricks, I am tougher than this, I work hard so I can keep my job while they will not, etc). Sometimes I can ignore them that way but then I feel beat up, like I was in a fight. Now when they get loud, I stop and identify how I feel ( wow they are really annoying me, I am stressed and getting upset) I acknowledge my feelings ( they are really loud, I should be upset. And also I'm so stressed cuz I need to finish my task on time. I kinda hate them too for being able to have fun while I have to focus like this). I do not take my thoughts any further cuz I might actually get angry with them . To end this step I just sit for a second or take a small break just to do nothing and breath Then I get grounded by quickly reviewing what I am doing and how much time I have left, and go back into it. I have practiced this for some time and it feels great! Plus I do not have to game or use tech or daydream to escape anymore 😀. Anyway, so glad you are consistent with your journal and your progress. Thank you, I learnt a lot from your writing!

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else? I am obsessed with money and power. I think that having a steady stream of income will solve all of my problems. That should not be the case. My parents provided for me all my youth but, that was when my addiction was the worst! I know money and power and networks can help against disruptions and catastrophes: but they cannot solve everything. Issues arise because of causes outside of my control. It is how I deal with them that matters. And so mindset, spirituality, empathy, love and support matters too. And sometimes, much more than money and power. I have this "recipe": As long as I have ... I will be fine - Money - A girlfriend - A high paying job - A good mindset - Health . etc But it's not. My addiction is progressive and I can destroy my own life from within in the long run. Or just handicap myself enough that I spend the rest of my life dealing with the damage. I convinced myself that if I am healthy, I can do whatever. If I eat healthy and sleep enough. But I did so in my younger days and it lead to almost nothing. Or whatever good it did was gone, could not stood the damage of my addiction. "AS LONG AS IT KEEPS ME HAPPY": this is craziness. I kept using to shoo away the feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, doubt, fear, anxiety. As long as I survive this moment without having to look at who I am inside: hurting, broken, alone, lost, confused, afraid, conflicted, etc Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs or some other manifestation) is my only problem? Yes, I believed that once I stop using completely, once I have nothing to do with games and phone and tech, I will be free. But it is not the case. I can still make terrible mistakes when I am not using. I usually beat myself up and get downtrodden/ very upset because I associate all my mistakes to my addiction. This has hindered my work for so many years. I can still feel pain once I my symptoms are gone: my parents getting old, the world is never the way I want, rejection from girlfriends, etc. My defects can still be there once I have stopped using! I am kinda sure that I cannot live without tech. This journal, the support I get from fellowships, hell, even the knowledge about 12 steps and addiction comes from tech. If I can never "quit" tech, the only thing I can do learn to remove the harmful symptoms (bingeing, compulsion, hiding, overeating, eating/resting with phone) and have a healthy relationship with my technology. In other words, "no tech is not possible" but even if it is, NO-TECH WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS!