Dear Diary...

[Amphibian220 574]

This is true, planning works well if you are learning something new and getting an outlet for all of your needs.

following a schedule that doesn’t tackle an important need can be harmful. Good to see that you are on the lookout.

Edited October 30, 2022 by Amphibian220

[Pochatok 563]

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I've finally hit burnout with a lot of things such as home improvements, work, socializing, and planning. My fiance and I decided to not plan as much or do any more house stuff for a few months since we got all of the larger items done. 

It's exhausting. I'm fulfilled from it at least. But I realized I'm exhausted and want to sleep. Not depression sleep either. I know the difference between those. I'm just tired and want to do a lot. I spent this past weekend relaxing and going outside. I feel rejuvenated. But I want to do like 3 more months of this lol. 

I'll add in exercise here and there too.

I really love how you're describing being exhausted/tired- without any stigma or negativity, just as a matter of a fact. I tend to self-shame for resting too much, so reading this helps a lot! Thank you 🙂

[BooksandTrees 3975]

21 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I really love how you're describing being exhausted/tired- without any stigma or negativity, just as a matter of a fact. I tend to self-shame for resting too much, so reading this helps a lot! Thank you 🙂

It took me a long time to just separate exhaustion and depression. But when you can do that I think it's beneficial to rest more at different times in the year. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

23 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

This is true, planning works well if you are learning something new and getting an outlet for all of your needs.

following a schedule that doesn’t tackle an important need can be harmful. Good to see that you are on the lookout.

Thanks. I think I'm just gonna keep plugging away at little tasks here and there and hopefully get to a point this month where I've done all my errands. 

I personally doubt I'll do a ton of hobbies til January at this point. But that doesn't mean I've failed in hobbies either. Life comes first. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

I haven't been around much lately and it's for a few reasons. The first reason is I've been severely depressed about my job. My manager and I do not see eye to eye on things and I get severe anxiety even working on a project out of anticipation that I have to have a conversation with them at some point. I just panic and then do nothing for a little and then do a sloppy job on the project and it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. It's terrible.

I've gained a lot of weight. Whenever I get stressed at work I go downstairs and eat. I sleep at lunch and then after work. It's terrible.

I recently applied and interviewed at a few different jobs this week. I can't take it anymore. I talked with management about the issue and I think the company handled it very well. I'm impressed with how supportive they are of me and my manager to help them deal with stress. The only issue is I don't think it will resolve anything. I think my manager's personality is very proud, very correct, and very pointed. This leads to sharp conversations and they become combative. I don't see this improving whatsoever. I just feel like they'll hire a project manager as a buffer between the two of us. 

The anger and sadness I get during the day at work leads me to hype myself up in panic. This leads to panic induced depression to calm me down. Then I just become a zombie.

I will say that I've worked on writing short stories as a stress outlet and have really enjoyed it. I have finally found a creative hobby, writing, to take my mind off of things.

It stinks because I want to cry and I can't. My mind uses depression to calm me down before I reach the point of crying. So I just sit there with sort-of watery eyes and then feel heavy and blank after feeling flighty and panicked.

The jobs I applied to are all busy. The industry is busy so I think no matter where I go I'll have overtime. I just feel stressed here to the point of breakdown. The old job I had was bad because I was getting paid poorly for doing a lot of work and budgets were an issue. Here, though, budgets are an issue, I struggle with my boss, and I'm not enjoying any of the projects. I haven't been happy here for about 9 months. It's too much. It's so disorganized and hectic day in and day out. I need a place with standard processes. I need stability.

I've been avoiding writing about it on here because it just leads me back to hyping myself up out of anger or sadness and then I get depressed again. But I'm trying today and it felt good to write about it.

I think this is a large reason I haven't written on here as much since getting the new job. It's just miserable and I try to avoid the topic altogether. I'm very happy with my family life and home life. I feel very blessed and am grateful for this. I'm just tired of getting a new job again. I just don't feel like this place will work out.

[Amphibian220 574]

Matt, I think you have to do targeted reading to destroy the fears and stress.

As an example, Professor Meadows has a book called “Systems thinking”. In this book there is a chapter called “the systems zoo”. This chapter talks about a number of pervasive behaviors that exist in human interactions and explores the antidotes to behaviors such as “The drift to low performance”. I am not talking about your performance, I am talking about the organization as a whole failing in one way or another.

I will not break it down here what I took away from that chapter. I think you may read and understand it in a way that benefits you.

Suffice to say it helped me to overpower some of my assumptions and increase cohesion at my workplace.

Edited November 23, 2022 by Amphibian220

[Pochatok 563]

On 11/22/2022 at 10:23 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I haven't been around much lately and it's for a few reasons. The first reason is I've been severely depressed about my job. My manager and I do not see eye to eye on things and I get severe anxiety even working on a project out of anticipation that I have to have a conversation with them at some point. I just panic and then do nothing for a little and then do a sloppy job on the project and it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. It's terrible.

I've gained a lot of weight. Whenever I get stressed at work I go downstairs and eat. I sleep at lunch and then after work. It's terrible.

I recently applied and interviewed at a few different jobs this week. I can't take it anymore. I talked with management about the issue and I think the company handled it very well. I'm impressed with how supportive they are of me and my manager to help them deal with stress. The only issue is I don't think it will resolve anything. I think my manager's personality is very proud, very correct, and very pointed. This leads to sharp conversations and they become combative. I don't see this improving whatsoever. I just feel like they'll hire a project manager as a buffer between the two of us. 

The anger and sadness I get during the day at work leads me to hype myself up in panic. This leads to panic induced depression to calm me down. Then I just become a zombie.

I will say that I've worked on writing short stories as a stress outlet and have really enjoyed it. I have finally found a creative hobby, writing, to take my mind off of things.

It stinks because I want to cry and I can't. My mind uses depression to calm me down before I reach the point of crying. So I just sit there with sort-of watery eyes and then feel heavy and blank after feeling flighty and panicked.

The jobs I applied to are all busy. The industry is busy so I think no matter where I go I'll have overtime. I just feel stressed here to the point of breakdown. The old job I had was bad because I was getting paid poorly for doing a lot of work and budgets were an issue. Here, though, budgets are an issue, I struggle with my boss, and I'm not enjoying any of the projects. I haven't been happy here for about 9 months. It's too much. It's so disorganized and hectic day in and day out. I need a place with standard processes. I need stability.

I've been avoiding writing about it on here because it just leads me back to hyping myself up out of anger or sadness and then I get depressed again. But I'm trying today and it felt good to write about it.

I think this is a large reason I haven't written on here as much since getting the new job. It's just miserable and I try to avoid the topic altogether. I'm very happy with my family life and home life. I feel very blessed and am grateful for this. I'm just tired of getting a new job again. I just don't feel like this place will work out.

I'm so sorry work is such a dissapointment and stressor to you, and that depression is making it worse You certainly deserve to have a better life. I'm very glad that you were able to share all of these personal things here, and am happy to know that you're attempting to push through the hard times. 

I hope that you'll find a way to put out the dumpster fire that is working in this industry. I also hope that you aren't being too hard on yourself for all the behaviours/patterns you're going through, since they are caused by things that are very difficult to control. 

 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Matt, I think you have to do targeted reading to destroy the fears and stress.

As an example, Professor Meadows has a book called “Systems thinking”. In this book there is a chapter called “the systems zoo”. This chapter talks about a number of pervasive behaviors that exist in human interactions and explores the antidotes to behaviors such as “The drift to low performance”. I am not talking about your performance, I am talking about the organization as a whole failing in one way or another.

I will not break it down here what I took away from that chapter. I think you may read and understand it in a way that benefits you.

Suffice to say it helped me to overpower some of my assumptions and increase cohesion at my workplace.

I agree. I really feel writing helps fuel me and relieve me of stress and pain. I feel such joy in it. 

[BooksandTrees 3975]

4 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I'm so sorry work is such a dissapointment and stressor to you, and that depression is making it worse You certainly deserve to have a better life. I'm very glad that you were able to share all of these personal things here, and am happy to know that you're attempting to push through the hard times. 

I hope that you'll find a way to put out the dumpster fire that is working in this industry. I also hope that you aren't being too hard on yourself for all the behaviours/patterns you're going through, since they are caused by things that are very difficult to control. 

 

It's tough because I enjoy my personal life so much. I'm so grateful and comparing it to my past is night and day. I found a few job opportunities recently and had a great interview yesterday. We'll see what happens.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Alright, I haven't been around very much because of all the stress from work, but I have some big updates to share.

I got a new job, gave my 2 weeks' notice, and am officially out of that company. 

It's been an ordeal. I was dreading waking up each morning, getting depressed to the point of crying and eating food all day to deal with that stress, and then sleeping for hours after work to hide, only to stay awake late and have anxiety attacks because of the fear of starting another day at that job. My boss was harassing me and treating me poorly. He would yell at me, criticize me, never apologize, and he never did any work himself. It was a terrible situation and I knew this job was going to suck after only 2 months. 

I managed to stick it out for about a year and a half. I don't know whether that was the right thing or not. My previous job was depressing and I was overworked, but this was just a combative and hostile environment. Maybe I should have left sooner. Who knows? But the important thing is I am out of there.

I'm now at a larger company and will have more anonymity there. Being at a small company can suck because you're always under the microscope and if your manager underperforms there's only you to be blamed for it if they can't accept blame. It's very toxic.

I'm taking the next two weeks off to heal mentally and physically. I've gained 50+ lbs at this job in just one year. My health is not good because of it. I plan on doing things around the house that have fallen behind, exercising, meal prepping better, and trying to engage in more creative activities again such as writing or playing music. 

I'm proud of myself for leaving that job. I was so depressed that I never even wanted to talk about my problems. As you can see from the amount of journal entries I have on my diary, I write a tremendous amount and always have something to say. This job crushed my spirits so much that I frequently wait 2-6 weeks between posts because I can't stomach writing about my pain from day to day anymore. It had become too much.

I'm proud that I was there for myself. I'm grateful for myself for looking after myself. I'm grateful for my fiance for taking care of me and I'm grateful for opportunities.

I'll try to be around more and meet more of the community as I did in the past. This past year I've really fallen out of touch with the community on this site and it's because I did not have the strength to solve my own problems head on. If I can't do that then I can't be reliable for others in that moment. Maybe I can, but my heart doesn't have the capacity to do both so I chose to protect myself and give myself the support as the main focus.

Edited December 20, 2022 by BooksandTrees

[Paul A. 453]

I want to commend you for your courage to leave a job that wasn’t serving you. It takes a lot of bravery to leave any job, let alone one that was as physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing as yours was. And the strength it must’ve taken to endure as long as you did was immeasurable. I wish you the best of luck as you move on to a better opportunity.

[Ikar 1898]

9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I got a new job, gave my 2 weeks' notice, and am officially out of that company. 

Good job Books, remember there are many jobs you can actually enjoy and be good at them. I hope the current one treats you better.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

On 12/20/2022 at 6:51 PM, Paul A. said:

I want to commend you for your courage to leave a job that wasn’t serving you. It takes a lot of bravery to leave any job, let alone one that was as physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing as yours was. And the strength it must’ve taken to endure as long as you did was immeasurable. I wish you the best of luck as you move on to a better opportunity.

Thank you very much. I appreciate this a lot. I think I'm finally starting to feel recovered enough to pursue hobbies again and relax as well. I'm starting to really look forward to the new job.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

On 12/21/2022 at 3:37 AM, Ikar said:

Good job Books, remember there are many jobs you can actually enjoy and be good at them. I hope the current one treats you better.

Thank you. I agree, there's gotta be jobs out there that fit my personality and lifestyle best and this one seems like a great fit so far. I'm feeling optimistic and starting to recover from the duress of my last job.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

I'm about 12 days into my 17 day vacation and starting to feel like myself again. It's been exhausting and I've been sleeping a lot. I'm not doing a lot right now, but just recovering from the abuse I've dealt with over the past few years has been exhausting and I'm starting to gear myself up to doing my hobbies now for the final few days.

I started beating myself up a little tonight because all I've done for 2 weeks is sleep, eat, and watch TV and do nothing. I think I needed that though. I haven't been able to rest in months or years at this point. I'm very grateful for my family and my fiance. I'm very tired but starting to come around nicely.

[Amphibian220 574]

Matt, what do you think would be an alternative other than the TV in that burnout situation? I played basketball for an hour today even though I was feeling physically tired. I feel like I need to make a move in reviewing my career.

From your posts I can tell you were tired, But you managed to secure a new job. I think your reactions to problems and health should improve with this experience. You have just shown you can do it.

Repeating better modes of behavior must increase your robustness over time and make situations more controllable. Then you getter better health, more benefit for your family in the way of an authoritative male.

I just heard one of the authors whom I have been following for some time talk about the rising matriarchy in the world. He claimed boys increasingly take their mothers as role models and not their fathers. When fathers used to be role models in the west, it was a time of knights who acted with great power and ability, did not let fear press on them, wore very nice dresses adorned with precious stones and fine tailoring. It was a time of real money too he claimed, when bankers yet hadn’t invented the inflationary fiat currencies (or IOUs). And then I got a feeling that young men today relative to that period in history have a lower of quality of life.

he was talking about nobility, but we can fashion ourselves into men of principle just by being more assertive and consistent with good recovery programs.

Edited January 2 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees 3975]

On 1/2/2023 at 9:47 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Matt, what do you think would be an alternative other than the TV in that burnout situation? I played basketball for an hour today even though I was feeling physically tired. I feel like I need to make a move in reviewing my career.

From your posts I can tell you were tired, But you managed to secure a new job. I think your reactions to problems and health should improve with this experience. You have just shown you can do it.

Repeating better modes of behavior must increase your robustness over time and make situations more controllable. Then you getter better health, more benefit for your family in the way of an authoritative male.

I just heard one of the authors whom I have been following for some time talk about the rising matriarchy in the world. He claimed boys increasingly take their mothers as role models and not their fathers. When fathers used to be role models in the west, it was a time of knights who acted with great power and ability, did not let fear press on them, wore very nice dresses adorned with precious stones and fine tailoring. It was a time of real money too he claimed, when bankers yet hadn’t invented the inflationary fiat currencies (or IOUs). And then I got a feeling that young men today relative to that period in history have a lower of quality of life.

he was talking about nobility, but we can fashion ourselves into men of principle just by being more assertive and consistent with good recovery programs.

Thank you. I agree. It can be really difficult to overlook our capabilities. I'm feeling better overall now but still struggling with a daily behavior that promotes restoration. I'll touch on that in my next post.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

The first week of my new job is over and I'm feeling a little settled in.

Something interesting that I've been encountering is similar to a PTSD trigger. I don't want to minimize people struggling with severe PTSD, but I just want to relate these topics.

I noticed that before I had my previous job, if I got stressed I had healthy outlets. But during this previous job where my boss often harassed me or I had nothing to do, I would sit there for hours being bored or afraid. I resorted to distracting phone apps, youtube, and other methods of escapism to get through each day. This built what I'm going to compare directly to gaming addiction where I was just hiding.

Now I have a new job with identifiable work tasks and a supportive management network. The issue is when I encounter a difficult problem solving situation at work or have to ask a question that I'm nervous about, I tend to want to go back to those phone apps or youtube.

This is directly similar to gaming addiction that I recovered from in the past. It feels the same. The brain fog, the lethargy, the dread of using brainpower, and anxiety. I will want to take a nap for my entire lunch break every day and just escape. This is leading me to gain weight, do less around the house, have bad hygiene, be less social, and do fewer hobbies. This is leading to my new wave of depression.

As @Amphibian220pointed out above, I was able to get a new job and change my environment. That's the toughest part. Scratch that, it's the largest single part. But now that I have the new job, I'm still struggling with PTSD from getting screamed at or harassed. I still want to escape. It reminds me of what we all struggle(d) with before: just changing your environment won't solely fix the problem, but it will help big time. I still need to take the next steps to changing my habits and developing new queues. I can't get stressed about what my new project is and go watch porn and take a nap. That isn't helping. I can't read an internet article or watch a youtube tutorial or something. I have to start facing these problems. I have to start accepting I'm in a better environment and trusting that I can move forward and not need to escape.

I feel like I'm back at the start of this whole journey again, but I know I'm not. I'm just tired and stressed. As I mentioned in the past when I stopped counting days, it's just keeping good habits and recognizing progress over time. 

I plan on resisting urges by taking more frequent breaks during the office day to stretch, move around, get away from the screen by doing some exercise, and not taking a nap or using apps. 

It won't all happen at once but if I can avoid binging a youtube series or something then that's a victory.

[BooksandTrees 3975]

Things are going a lot better. I have been experiencing that all too familiar "pull" to do something when I'm feeling anxious or stressed. Instead of opening apps, I've been trying to go for little walks, clean something, change my position at the desk from sitting to standing, or stretching. I still find myself going to apps, but much less than before. I'm gonna view that as progress and keep rolling with it.

This minor change has lead to me being more productive at work and my new bosses have been pleased with the effort I've put in so far. I'm appreciating that acknowledgment and trying to roll with it. 

One thing I'm struggling with, again, is the way to go about my damn story hobbies. It really pisses me off and I feel like a hypocrite because I tell people to stop ruminating and just do it and get something down on paper so you at least know whether or not you think that's a failure or a good practice to move forward with in the future. Yet, here I am just sitting there going back and forth between "should I make this story a book, keep it a screenplay and read it over a podcast, or try to make it an animated series and dedicate even more time to it?"

If I were reading this entry as if it were one of your posts, I'd say that you need to find out what's preventing you from moving forward with it and then ask yourself what the goal is in general. Are you trying to do this as a hobby or a career change? If you're doing it as a hobby, are you trying to express certain emotions and ideas you have locked inside that you need to *SEE* or that you need to *SHARE* with others? Why not just try to get it out there? If you write it as a screenplay and end up wanting it to be a book, you can take all of the content from the screenplay and just add more transition writing between scenes to create a book. It's not like you wasted time. If you want to read it on a podcast then you'll have the screenplay written out and know if it sounds good. You might even have fun doing it and decide it needs to be something else or something bigger.

One crazy anecdote I can relate to that last bit of advice is fixation and addiction. We can all get fixated on this idea of what something would or should be like to reach that certain feeling we envision or are fixated on. Let me explain. You search for the perfect porn to watch for like 20 minutes and then are so excited and finish in like 1 minute. The video barely played. Now you're unsatisfied and feel let down because you fixated for so long. 

That is the same theory that gets applied to our hobbies. We get fixated on what a successful story or piece of art, or song, would look, feel, or sound like. It can almost paralyze you.

I think it's just worth doing it. So I'm giving this advice to myself to just do this and move forward. I gotta keep pushing.

[Pochatok 563]

On 1/10/2023 at 8:15 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I feel like I'm back at the start of this whole journey again, but I know I'm not.

Something that I've recently heard that helped me a lot with this thought: "what feels like walking back in circles, or going in peaks and valleys rather than steadily upwards... all of that is a part of healing. I am not failing or making little progress. Rather, this is all an inherent part of change"

I'm so happy you've been able to act on and embrace such a significant change in your life @Books! I'm very thankful for all the journeys you've shared here. You continue to look up and not take what is in your life for granted. You remind me that I deserve a better life 🙂 Hope that this new environment will continue to empower you!