LostRiver

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me? - That life is better during recovery and once sobriety is achieved, life is transformed, completely better than within the walls of addiction. I should stop to notice, I love and enjoy life much more. I always thought that once I am healed, I can start to catch up, to make up for the parts of my life lost to addiction. I never realize that I'm building a life that I never had, I'm fill the void create by my addiction with love, compassion, passion, open-mindedness and honesty, etc. - That my life has not been wasted. Fellow members say that they been through their shit so that they can help others who go through the exact same shit during addiction. It is as if the lower the bottom, the better the peace. All I feel is shame for even being in addiction. I envy those who do not know the terror, the insanity, the cagey feelings, the relapses/ withdrawals, self-hatred, burnout or just straigth up physical pain. I only know self-consciousness. I see myself apart from others always, for I know I have the mark of addiction. I'm always afraid of when people find out. - Need to add more to burn away the reservations.

Spiritual Principals - Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery? No, I do not notice. I have been living life with love, with confidence and with assistance for my loved ones and sometimes, others. I never realize that this is freedom. I guess I do not appreciate the freedom of my sobriety that much. I begin to be honest about my relapses: If I cross my bottom lines, no matter how little, I acknowledge. I acknowledege my defects and try to ask for help and assistance to overcome them: at work and in life. I cannot do so 100% and some days, grief, greed and envy (of others carefree life untouched by addiction) hurt me badly. I also try to be honest about 12 years in, 12 years out. I have been an addict for more than 27 years. I expect to spend at least that much to heal. With hope, the path my be shorter. But otherwise, 12 years in, 12 years out. I am honest about who I am at work. My ability (and hence my income) is limited. My body and my soul told me that there is now a limit on how much I can devote to work. Burn out again and I risk some grave danger that I do not comprehend. A suicidal meltdown perhaps I have to admit: I cannot see my life in the coming years at all. It's not like playing video games or browsing on my phone: nothing curated, nothing 100% by my will, no next to go up, no curated content, etc. But I do not have to. I trust that I am enough and my Higher Power will guide me so I can provide for myself, my family while being of service to those who are in need.

Thank you for the kind words!

Congrats! It sounds like you had an amazing day taking care of yourself, loved one and living life!

Thank you for sharing this with me man. I was at my bottom line so I felt like crap and cannot fight the dispair alone. Really hope I "make it" and show them when they can still enjoy it.

ITAA meet - Signs of a functioning addict: self-neglect, unable to surrender/ change, double life - Some days I will make excuses to not come to meetings: time spent in meetings is NEVER WASTED. I don't have to abandon any responsibilities to join meeting. As I listen to people's sharing, I can learn and reflect and take accountability and recover. - My default mode is trying to do things alone and not/ unable to ask for help. Then when things fall apart, get upset and go back to using. I should accept myself, ask for help at work, in life and attend regular meeting + get a sponsor to find a safe space to look at my defects and address them. Be with loved ones help too. - Step 6: my defects weaken me with their demands. My grief of wasted youth, squandered opportunities never stop yelling at me to go fix the past. Of course I cannot. Thus I go back into using/ binging. I need to remember that I cannot even change my life now, and I need to turn my life over to 12 steps and my Higher Power.

My parents must know that I am an addict. They still love me and dote on me. Their love scares me to death. How can they love someone like me? Can I love them back? Pay them back? It might be too late!

Trying to summarize stuffs I learn from the steps, starting from step 01 so I can remind myself daily

Listening to Bob D. "Faith without Works is Dead" - I have a spiritual and mental sickness. Whenever I abstain successfully, my brain will think and I will feel in a certain way (physically and emotionally) to drive myself back to relapse. Observation and planning is needed. - My self-will is my judgement. Even when it is good, it still is. I judge myself to be able to do something. But that is just entirely my judgement. Same when I think of others and of the world. I have to be careful: I need to seek help, to ask for assistance from others and to turn my life to my Higher power to save my own life. - Bought a hard of copy of the Big book, will read and write down things I need to live by to practice the steps everyday - a.k.a worrking the steps to save my life. Will take physical note too. Will try not to make it look painful, no book of demons here!

ITAA is Internat and Technology Addict Anonymous. It's a support group that holds meeting using a the 12-steps program and sponsorship for recovery. Sort of like us gamequitters but using an old book and with weekly Zoom meetings. I celebrate 60 days by overeating then going to bed early. Yeah, I'm planning to get a group of friends to celebrate with me on 90 days. I will do something for gamequitters as well, will need ideas. It will be one of the best days of my life! 😄

Hang in there man. Why don't you take it easy, abstain for just 01 day then go back for fresh perspectives?

Heard something wonderful out of ITAA meet yesterday: When I was living on my self-will, everything I got boiled down to things I got because I HAD to do things/ to work/ to bend over backwards to get them. Or I got them because I am "lucky". But living by the guide of my higher power allows me to see that I'm not invincible - that a lot of people help me, sympathize for me, and support me. It allows me gratitude, the chance to appreciate the people around me. I learn to love my parents truly by accepting my powerlessness, that this life I live is from them, because of them and to most degree for them. And I pray to higher power everyday for them to be healthy. I know I dipped into my bottom lines again but let this be a reminder that I have made progress. I am on my way to be a better person for my family and myself.

I actually made it out clean yesterday: attended an ITAA meeting, celebrated 60 days game free - read a bit then went to bed. Thanks for the reminder @Yan. I've been down the road too long , sometimes I cannot remind myself about that

AA meet on Sunday: Fail to confess to my relapse, felt terrible Met Rob: 56, with 01 year-old son. Trying to get clean to raise son. Well-travelled. Tells me to slow down, wait for about 01 year of sobriety before getting girlfriend or anything new. Plans for situations that can lead to relapse.

Short note: after spending a total of 18 hours on the phone last three days, I lost motivation and was groggy as fuck on Monday morning. I was lucky it was a slow day at work. Life got better that I'm off gaming but I'm losing the battle against my phone. Plan for tomorrow: once I got back from work, if I'm on time, I will read books. I have a list of books that I like. Then I will attend the ITAA meeting. If I'm late, I will eat quitely then join the meeting, then read the books. I will order some good food so I can eat alone and enjoy the experience: no fatty food tho. I will go straight to prayer tonight and next morning about staying clean tomorrow night because I know my plans alone are highly likely to fail. May higher power help me.