LostRiver

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else? I am obsessed with money and power. I think that having a steady stream of income will solve all of my problems. That should not be the case. My parents provided for me all my youth but, that was when my addiction was the worst! I know money and power and networks can help against disruptions and catastrophes: but they cannot solve everything. Issues arise because of causes outside of my control. It is how I deal with them that matters. And so mindset, spirituality, empathy, love and support matters too. And sometimes, much more than money and power. I have this "recipe": As long as I have ... I will be fine - Money - A girlfriend - A high paying job - A good mindset - Health . etc But it's not. My addiction is progressive and I can destroy my own life from within in the long run. Or just handicap myself enough that I spend the rest of my life dealing with the damage. I convinced myself that if I am healthy, I can do whatever. If I eat healthy and sleep enough. But I did so in my younger days and it lead to almost nothing. Or whatever good it did was gone, could not stood the damage of my addiction. "AS LONG AS IT KEEPS ME HAPPY": this is craziness. I kept using to shoo away the feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, doubt, fear, anxiety. As long as I survive this moment without having to look at who I am inside: hurting, broken, alone, lost, confused, afraid, conflicted, etc

- How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? How has my life been out of balance? Life (cont) I under-react to my using. I spend a lot of times on my phone and most of the time, I keep thinking - I have nothing better to do/ this is the best thing to do now - I have been doing this all my life, let's just do it again - It's a challenge/ Just this one more video/ one search - It's me time - It brings me peace, I should do it/ This is my treat, my chance to relax. IT IS NUMB/ IT IS NOT PEACE!! PEACE IS KNOWING WHAT IS HAPPENING AND STAYING CONTENT WITH IT ON THE INSIDE. USING IS SHUTTING DOWN THE WHOLE WORLD TO GO NUMB/ FORGET THE PAIN. INSIDE THE PAIN AND ISSUES ARE STILL THERE! I have put other opportunities in life on hold. Recovery is my top priority now. I just realized that I am under-reacting to the progress of my recovery: I have been to over 60 meetings now but my using has not decreased at all. It got worse compared to the period right after my rock bottom! FUCKKKKKK

Loneliness and guilt, loneliness and guile. All the time

- How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? How has my life been out of balance? Work: I overreacted to a lot of my failures. When I started working, I used to actually freeze up and disconnect whenever I fail at things, even small things (forgot where to put stuffs, press wrong buttons, etc) Later on I would lie, blame things and act like somebody put it on me "it wasn't me" I basically threw tantrums as a grown man. I would act the same way, throwing tantrums and all when people ask me to change or fix things that I messed up. Deep down, I was just extremely ashamed that I messed up. I would not learn from any of those experiences at all, numbing myself with all the tantrums, actually believing that it was somebody else's fault, hating on the world. All my experiences are negative because of my way of thinking. All I learnt was how to avoid responsibilities and looking good while doing it. Also I learnt how to complete customers' request in a the least amount of time possible but not necessarily with most quality. I was so afraid and ashamed of fucking up that those two things were the only things that I learnt in about 5 years of working. Sometimes, when I'm too tired, I do not try to rest but either over-react by trying to rush work or under-react by trying to white knuckle stuffs. At the end of a work day, I end up always feeling beat up, to the point not wanting to eat or take care of myself. If this keeps going, I can only use and do nothing else after work to grow or balance work and life. I under-react to a lot of unreasonable stuffs from my bosses. Cuz deep down, I had a very negative train of thought that it is what they are suppose to do: to force stuffs onto workers, etc. Not that they do it often, but sometimes, their vision are off. I often slack requests to help from my colleagues. I feel sooo lazy to help them but I expect them to help me all the time. When some of them don't help me, I in turn feel betrayed, hurt, upset, etc. Feel like I was destroyed or something I underreacted to overworking and workaholism, I myself have been burnt out twice by embracing such ideals. Deep down, I always view myself as not good enough or lacking somewhere. As a results, I either bite off more than I can chew, mess up small tasks, too afraid to take more responsibilities or just go crazy until I have nothing left to give. All the while I have no idea what exactly I have accomplished for myself, my future and for the company! Life After some trauma, I notice that sometimes I under-react to a lot of stuffs. I sometimes care little about how my grandmother is getting old and she needs help with stuff. Same for my father and mom. I am afraid that in a blink of an eye, they will get old without me being there to help them. I under-react to good things. I remember few happy moments in my life except for gaming moments.

Was so lonely last night, I saw a girl I like, figure I never get her, started bingeing Youtube and porn on my phone until 2AM. Woke up and tried to learn, tried a test, my brain kept telling me I cannot do it. I only felt isolated, hateful towards others, angry, ashamed, remorseful. Struggling against my withdrawal gave me this feeling of being in immense pain and burden. Slept well and it sort of went away

I have been distracted from the fact that I am powerless over my tech addictions. I have re-connected with friends, got better at my job, been able to take care of my family but at the same time, my tech (ab)use increases. Begin journaling by NA guide once again. I want to be clean because addictions has taken over my life and robbed me of hope for the future, hope of having a family, hope of being able to fulfill my responsibility to care for my parents; because I want to be free, and not feeling trapped by all the guile, shame, despair and failures brought about by my use. I want to be free. --- Step Two --- -- We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.-- "After all, how many times had we tried to get away with something we had never gotten away with before, each time telling ourselves, "It will be different this time." Now, that's insane! As we stay clean and continue to work this step, we discover that no matter how long our addiction has gone on and how far our insanity has progressed, there's no limit to the ability of a Power greater than ourselves to restore our sanity. It was when we realized that these other members - addicts like ourselves - were staying clean and finding freedom that most of us first experienced the feeling of hope. We believe that we can be restored to sanity, even in the most hopeless times, even in our sickest areas." - What do I have hope about today? I have hope that today I can change, today I can notice my triggers, my cravings and deal with them, not fight them but sooth them until they go away. And then I can live my, just for today, the loving and wise and kind and strong person that I am. I have hope that today, if I relapse or if I face troubles beyond my capabilities or experience, I can be gentle with myself, allowing myself to fail and to learn from failures. I have hope that my Higher Power will take care of me today. [[Insanity]] Reviewing our First Step should help us if we're having doubts. Now is the time to take a good look at our insanity. - Did I believe I could control my using? What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful? I still believe that I can control my using. In fact, 40 mins before I wrote this entry, I was watching Youtube shorts and contents with a lot of compulsion. Once I was able to snap out of it, I was hurt, I was upset. I felt like I did not know where that bad decision came from. I was upset but still a bit smug since I did not spend whole morning watching (like I did yesterday). I moved from getting upset to silverlining my use/ my compulsion without realizing that this kind "slips" have happened day after day for almost 20 years. I am truly insane. Another example is that My longest streak without bingeing is 5 days, which is 5 work days. I have to work and since I need the money plus don't want to make my parents worry to death, I need to maintain a level of sobriety acceptable to society. I was running on ego. At work, I was alone, cannot connect with anyone. I worried all the time, I was anxious, scared and prideful at the same time. I could not handle any pressure. I can barely learn/ read/ adapt to new things. When I come home, even though I did not use, I felt so tired. I was restless. I could not rest. My mind was racing all the time. I neglected and struggled to do basic self-care. In short, I was miserable. Eventually, I stopped praying and working the step. I binged up to 11 hours in the weekends. Then I spent Monday drifting, feeling beat up like I almost drowned during the weekends. It was withdrawal. Then I repeat the process. - What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which I'm now ashamed? What were those situations like? I stole from a hospital and got caught. I walked out with the medicine without paying. Until very recently, I failed to do self-care. I shit myself and ants were crawling all over my mattress. I lied so so many times at my job. I was a horrible colleague and a liability so many times for so long. I hated my parents. My addiction warped my world view and I was angry and hateful towards those who tried to love me. I was not a good son. I hardly take care or even sympathize with them. I was never there when they went through hard times. So many more things buried under years and years of addictions. I did put myself in dangerous situations to use: I drove "under the influence"/ heavily distracted to rushed home to use tech. I am getting old without a reliable job/ income. Most of my life I just drifted in my tech use without learning anything, knowing anyone. Some days I feel like all I know is to live off my parents. I did behave in ways that I am now ashamed: I was usually so steep in my addiction, I could not handle ANY issues in life. To survive, I adopted this persona that was brass, unfriendly, unnaturally competitive but also incompetent, mean, angry, manipulative. Now I am so embarassed that I don't know how to act, I am afraid to even show a backbone cuz I am afraid that the old me would show up again. Deep down, I was ashamed of being an addict. That song played 24/7. To survive, I isolated from everyone!!! I ignored my friends, my parents, those who tried to help me. Now I am embarassed to be this friendless incompetent man, unreliable and fearful all the time. I was incompetent and could not do a lot of things. I just avoided a lot of stuffs and just took a menial job. I am happy that the job allow me the time to work the steps. And it helps the body too. But there are days that I feel diminished since all can do is the equivalent of cleaning dishes. - Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using? Yes, I did make decisions that borderline craziness to rush things so I can go back to using. I was addicted to the numbness of using. All my youth I isolated, I did not learn anything, I rushed everything or have my parents or others (paid or not) carry responsibilities. I quit 03 jobs because of my using. 1st one I outright quit just so I can have more time to use. 2nd and 3rd I quit because using consumed my personal life and made my mind a mushy mess. I could not catch up, I could not learn, coming to work was getting heavier and heavier day by day. It was like torture and burden at some point. And I just quit to go back to my real full time job: using. Same went for my schooling. All I did was messing around, buffing my ego, making jokes and looking cool trying to be accepted. I did learn some things. But the way I did it was that I created this crazy persona, who is all about profits, promotions, money, tricks, gangbanging. All I did learn, I learnt because I was afraid: afraid that I would lose my income, afraid that people would be better and/or laugh at me, afraid of getting backstabbed, scrutinized by my boss/ others, etc Never had an idea about what I like. Just existing, surviving. All the time. - Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction? It was mostly indirect, but yes, I did injure myself and others in my addiction. For myself, I became an exercise nut. I was waking up early to run 2 km before work everyday/ workout. I barely ate in the evening because I can wake up earlier on an empty stomach. Of course I binged my phone and even game late into the night. I also tried to attend an evening class. I was always sleep deprived. I lost nearly 6kg. I became gaunt and sickly. I crashed hard when I got malaria. I was physically frail. My parents came and sleept at the hospital for a week to take care of me - a grown man at the age of 25. For others, I yelled at many. I was abusive and callous to so many, ignorant of the needs or circumstances of others. I sort created around me a bad environment. I think a few people left the company because of me.

Current speed: 143WPM People read 32% slower on screens Bad habits: Fixation: spelling out a word or looking at words individually (spell out u-ni-ver-si-ty when reading, or reading each word while the eyes can see whole phrase "Lake", "Shore", "Drive" Regression: lose focus and come back to re-read passages (can take up to 20-30% of reading time) Subvocalization: Reading words in your head - causing you to read at the speed of speech, average 150-200 WPM or less, hence reading at the speed of thought (TM)

Great sunday meet Got to ask one old guy who has been off games for 05 YEARS what progress means, will take note here Progress = to do my best (despite obstacles) to take small steps (even the smallest) to accomplish small things (even the smallest things) for myself and my family

Sunday meeting Disruptions: I react by feeling tired, weary (don't want to do this), miss my routine, no time to connect with family Self-compassion, self-worth is hiden away due to addiction. Need to find self-love again (not even sure what self-love is) Bored, have nothing to build towards to.

I used to visit a lot of news, tabloid, meme websites for entertainment, which wound up guiding me back to gaming. Coming to gamequitters often definitely serve as a change of environment too!

Easy does it man! Way I see it, you were trying to remember a "happier" time compared to some stuffs you are dealing with now. It was about missing how you felt back then, not really all about gaming. Let's just take small steps now. Hope things will look up for you

Good topic, great reminder! from CGAA web Time: It takes time Once our eyes opened to the damage done by our gaming behavior, the lost time and lost opportunities, many of us wanted it fixed—immediately. “From now on I’m putting all those old gaming hours into being productive!” We wanted to apply our obsessive energy to grinding through accomplishments and leveling up on life. It’s typical to want repaired relationships, a happy social life, and big real-life accomplishments, all in the first week. None of this is realistic. We didn’t become addicted all in one day and we’re not going to recover from it in one day either. If you walked ten miles into a swamp, it’s ten miles to walk back out. Addiction is a seriously difficult disorder and should not be underestimated. If the only thing we do in the early months is not play a single video game, that is a major accomplishment. Every day off games allows our brains to heal, the withdrawal symptoms to fade, and our minds and bodies to further adjust to game-free living. It takes time just to learn the basics of self care, like how to get enough sleep, eat well, have conversations unrelated to video games, and get some exercise, fresh air, and sunlight. In early recovery, we’re building a foundation. If we try to erect walls, rooms, and stairs above a slap-dash, shaky foundation, eventually it’s all going to come crumbling back down. But upon a carefully laid, solid foundation, we can confidently build lasting structures. So we focus on a new way of living that supports us in our number one priority of not starting that first game today no matter what. We attend meetings, build friendships in the fellowship, overcome urges to game, take care of ourselves, and learn the value of service work and asking for help. We accept that it takes time and trust that our foundation work will pay off. A solid foundation in recovery puts us in the position where we can pursue our goals and dreams. Questions: How have I been building my foundation in recovery? Do I accept that it may take a long time? What improvements, large or small, have I noticed over my time so far? => Bit more clarity, no impulse to game, can deal with pressure, take care of myself better( socialise again, learning, getting better at job, sleep a bit better, work on ITAA, less anxiety about future, etc), feel more sympathy and connection with others Quietly celebrating 162 days off video games

The wheel barrow story: - Judging how I'm doing by how I feel is not correct. Tell it by what I am doing. By the connection and love I can give and get naturally perhaps - Trust means action in unity. To have faith in my higher Power is to watch the circus act runs a wheel barrow across a wire high up in the air. I would watch and clap and gasp and cheer everytime because I know those professionals won't drop the barrow. But if I trust my higher power, I would get into the wheel barrow. Trust means action in unity.

CGAA meet - Sunday - Topic: Grief (During Christmas) - Staying with my feelings, myself => take care of myself (finding a healthy way to relieve/ let go/ grief) => finding gratitude => share/ pray is the best way to deal with grief, negative emotions in general. Denial, trying to be tough it out will most likely lead to relapse - Matt: now 52, started gaming 8 hours/day 16 years ago. Feeling powerless, unemployed, just found a new job. "the time I spent gaming, you could study for doctor 2 or 3 times over" - Nick: needs reminder that I am powerless. Part of myself can obscure the pain and damage that gaming caused: cannot sleep, miss work, lose jobs, from good student to failing college, had to go rehab => still think I am not a "dirty, ragged" (like a drug addict) addict => tried going back to school but started gaming again => lost 2 jobs. When things started going better: do I have to quit gaming forever, until I retire, etc => relapse, miss meetings, avoidance behavior, etc "find it so easy to not take care of myself and do stuffs" - Nick: finished divorce process, miss parents, find holiday tough, find it so easy to run away from grief and emerse in "distractions". "There are times I recognize I have to go cry" - Miguel: miss gf of 2 years, "try to do something fun for myself" which was game - Andrew: got into meeting and cry for an hour straight, felt better. Took 15 years to realize that gaming was a problem (same here lol), no life goals - Ben: ignoring family, healthy desires (need friendship, companionship) to use NOTE: I also have done all of the above plus shitting the bed while using and I STILL THINK THERE IS PEACE AND JOY TO BE HAD OUT OF USING!

ITAA meet One day at a time sometimes mean I need to re-learn a lot of things I did wrong/ never learned how to do properly. It is harrowingly scary and painful to look at my life again and see all these black holes that I need to fix, Program gives me direction, derived from wisdom: show up, listen and not trust my own thinking When I am tired, I avoid letting myself feeling tired. I try to numb the feeling by using. I feel bad for being tired. I mean WTF??? I should remember the joy of taking care of myself. Gotta get ready for the day, not let the world diminish my spirit to travel my own path. Sobriety means being able to grieve, to be upset. Before, for me there was only rage, envy, fear, shame and numbness. Cannot tell what can be changed and what cannot => ASK FOR HELP, don't rationalize alone!