LostRiver

Sorry for bringing up the podcast thing. How about just listening to white noise instead?There are plenty of albums (like this one). Anyway hope you find your rhythm 🙏 )

Hi Matt, Hope things are managable. Multi-tasking for a long time may do damage in the form of burnout. Have you considered listening to just white noise instead of shows if it tires you to watch actual shows/ movies during work? Anyway, wanna drop in to thank you for an advice you gave a while back. You told me to let Goodreads or librarians pick books that I would like since I was trying to pick up reading as a hobby. I have succeeded. It only took more than 9 months but now reading for fun is almost a daily activity for me. I read AA Grapevine and listen to their podcast. Basically it's a bunch of addicts interviewing and sharing sorta light-hearted stories about recovery and fellowship. It is genuinely relatable and entertaining. They even have jokes! Here are the links to podcast and bookstore if you wanna check them out. Stay strong, keep carrying the strength and hope to others! https://www.aagrapevine.org/podcast https://www.aagrapevine.org/store/books

What are some things I consider examples of sanity? To be able to sympathize, to enjoy life by loving and accepting the little things, to spend time with family, to connect with people To make decisions that will not lead to pain and regrets, to not hurt, but love, to not fear, but trust. To live with peace of mind To be hopeful for the future, to show acceptance for myself right at this moment, and to live with joy and hope and not fear and despair, and hate. What changes in my thinking and behavior are necessary for my restoration to sanity? In what areas of my life do I need sanity now? In what areas of my life do I need sanity now?: I need help dealing with loneliness and pain of being different.

Congrats, the first days are always the hardest! Did staying away from Reddit give you more free time and Can you share some stuffs that you switch to to entertain yourself if it did? Besides using the time to take care of your family that is 😄

What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life? - The greatest evidence (that sometimes even I forget) is that my life has changed for the better: I do not have more money, I do not have girls (sadge) but I now live with some semblance of peace in my soul: I enjoy whatever I now (still) have, I can take care of myself and my family (a bit) - I found peace: I do pray to get what I want, but mostly what I get is the strength to deal with life without resort to using, the perspective that "it" is not all bad, "it" is not lethal, and how I feel is not how I am doing. What are the characteristics my Higher Power does not have? - My High Power is not a wish granter. I will not have what I want by praying - HP has nothing to do with money and reasonable finances - HP has nothing to do with the love I ask that girls give me - HP cannot prevent death, just the pain of it - My HP does not have a "motive", a human motive of benefits, worship, faith, love, etc. What are the characteristics my Higher Power has? - Unconditional love: My Higher Power loves me and want me to live my life free of addictions, even when I have made no sacrifices to it/him, no prayers - No malice: My Higher Power does not punish, and does not want me to die - Faith in me: My Higher Power believes that I can change and wants me to change to have a good life - Stability and security: my Higher Power is always there to listen to me, to guide me, to love me through my life.

Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean? How? Prayers have helped me dealt with emotions/ trauma/ tireness/ bad times Hope is the key too. Through the connection with my higher power, I have understood that: - My Higher Power will not let me die - My Higher Power believes that I can change and will help me change - My Higher Power wants me to have a good life From learning this, I have come to have hope about my future, where once I was hopeless, living in despair of active addiction. Can a Power greater than I am help me recover? How? Yes, a Power greater than I am can help me recover. - The greatest example is that my Higher Power has helped me to change myself. I used to be all about me, I used to work so hard so that things go my way. I ended up isolated, angry, bitter, paranoid all the time. The using/abusing and addiction comes after that. Now, I am in connection with the world. Things do happen but they are no longer unbearable. Things might still be painful. Things can still be terrible. But I can live knowing that I don't have to use to live. Therefore I find peace, content, love, compassion, sympathy and a bit of joy in my life. And I change my outlook, I connect with people, I have love, compassion, sympathy to give. This in turns can make me more successful, respectable and thus (perhaps one day) wealthy. - My connection with my Higher Power is not strong enough right now but once it is, I can make the best decision for myself My decisions used to be influenced completely by my using -> my ego -> my paranoid feelings (fear/ primal fear/ anger/ pain/ grief, etc) -> my defects (envy, laziness, short-sightedness, impatience, self-pity,etc) With guide of my higher power, I can make the best decisions for myself and people I care about. It may not lead to riches, but it will lead to peace. And (I hope) if I align my success with the success of my community/ my immediate company (those close to me by proximity and not benefits, not corporate as a whole), my decision will lead to my success in my career.

[[[THE TAPE]]] So you are using. Let me remind you of this: You didn't get promoted. The young people at the office see you as an example, how not live life. You boss and colleagues put up with you, see you as a baby or nightmare to work with. They never respect you. So you are using. Remember you are scared. You are confused. You always are. Deep inside you have no idea how your life will turn out. You have no idea how much preparation you have done. Or what you have accomplished to one day build a future for yourself and your parents. So you are using. Lately, have you done anything to make your parents happy? Fuck it, have you done anything even help your parents in their old age? So you are using. Remember You dare not think of love. Of marriage. Of even connecting with a girl. For fear that she knows you live like a pig. Eat sleep pleasure repeats. So you are using. Have you grown? Have you developed yourself? Have you challenged yourself? If you have and failed, you would have gotten some experience. If you have and succeeded, you would have felt proud, and secured, and at peace. So you are using. You feel terrible, today has been rough. Rememer how you feel is not how you do. Even if you are down, nothing is forever. If you are in pain, treat yourself and it will go away. But if you quit, the pain will last forever. Numbness cannot make the brain forget. Using can always make it worse. So you cannot go on. Remember that there are others, who carry hope. Take a walk. Call someone. Pray to your Higher Power. Cry. Trust that you can change. Believe you can create a better life, and believe you deserve it. One day at a time.

Do I have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself? Yes, I do have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself. Hell, I even gawk at the ideas that other people know more than me. Sometimes I think myself to be the wisest, or to know best. Sometimes that is true, when it comes to myself and my life. But other times, I am wrong at shit. I also have problems believing that someone/ something else can run my life better than me. It is practical that I know what to do with my life because I know my habits, what I like, what I don't like. But that is not true anymore. My brain is against me. My emotions buried so long by the numbness of addiction that my emotional cortex is fucked up. I am prone to anger, lashing out, pain, despair, delusion of grandeur, conspiracy, dark thoughts, paranoia, mismatched expectations, etc I cannot trust my "wisdom" nor can I trust my "feelings"/ "gut"/ "instinct" Also, I am afraid of uncertainty. To hand my life to something I cannot see or even understand sounds ludicrous. Sometimes, I feel like I rather live with the "certainty" that tomorrow I will keep using and going numb. Even when that reality will lead to me dying the next day. What are some things that are more powerful than I am? Plenty: my mentors are tougher, wiser and more experienced than me in all aspects of life. My parents have built their life AND a life for me from scratch, from war, from poverty. My employer, as a corporate will outlive me. An animal, a dog or a fish, free of hubris, can be wiser than me at times. The Sun, the Moon, the wind are constant in life while I am not. And so many more things Can a Power greater than myself help me stay clean? How?

What experiences have I heard other recovering addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life? I have, I have. And it's awesome I heard one fellow in recovery told the story of how they were in bad shape and they had to the courage to go on because they trust that their higher power "will not let them die" (verbatim). I started believing the same, I lo and behold, I not only started living but I found that I was taken care of!!! My higher power has guided me through some tough moments and enabled me to find the fortune (literal luck) and strength take care of myself and my family! I heard another fellow started the day praying for the strength to stay sober and end the day by thanking higher power for giving such strength. So every morning, I started too. I am an ungrateful brat, I never do the thanking at the end of the day. I only know believing and praying works when I start having clean time again after many bad relapses. In what do I believe? Without my higher power, I actually believe in nothing. Not even myself. I do believe in the teachings of David Goggins, since the guy clearly made it be white-knuckling his way through his rough life. But I am not David Goggins, and trying to practice what he teaches has given me strength but at same time fueled my addiction. I became obsessive with getting better. I begin to neglect self-care to do crazy marathons. Ended up using even more. Now, I believe that there is a power: all powerful, all knowing, mysterious, looking out for me and wanting the best for me so I help others. I believe that my higher power loves me for who I am, addict and all. Lovingly, I put the face of Mr Rogers on this power, cuz I can only imagine such an intense and pure love coming from "something" like him. How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery? For now, I have gone from zealous to religious. Before, I was just throwing my life at my higher power or sort of using my HP as a source of hand-outs of luck and strength. It was blind reliance with a hint of fanaticism. But it still works!!! My life got better. But now I am up against darker, more progressive parts of my addiction, I have become religious. I study teachings (literature), I become more involved with the fellowship, I pray for advice, for the strength to help those who have helped me, etc. And I believe, consciously that my higher power sets a path for me to goodness, to being able to take care of myself and those important to me or those in need.

Relates big time mate!

Thank you for checking in. I mean I am just the same. I bought tons of stuffs to try to pick up new hobbies/ learn new skills/ meet new people, etc. But ended up dropping them all. Gotta be patient is one of the first lesson I learn since coming to game quitters, plus taking up new things take serious time, even when it's for hobby

An Attitude of Gratitude is the best defense From SoberTool Daily Message The best defense against frustration and sadness is an attitude of gratitude. I just make a list of five things I am grateful for whenever I am starting to feel angry, offended or as if life isn't fair or things never go my way, or whatever it is that is making me feel bad. Items that have been on my list are being free from pain, having enough food, having shelter, being able to walk out my front door without fear of being shot at, having my sight, my limbs, and not having killed anyone yet because of my alcoholism. To-do: Especially on a day like today when my baseball game got rained out, I am going to write down five things I am grateful for and put the list in my wallet and look at it later if I start to feel frustrated or dissatisfied again. Maybe I can't play baseball, but I am thankful for this app, for my dog, for waking up without a hangover, for other addicts who support me in the SoberTool Forum, for freedom from pain, and shelter from the rain. What are you grateful for?

As addicts, we're prone to wanting everything to happen instantly. But it's important to remember that Step Two is a process, not an event. Most of us don't just wake up one day and know that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We gradually grow into this belief. Still, we don't have to just sit back and wait for our belief to grow on its own; we can help it along. Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like? - It is hard to find something like that: I guess I lived a good life, with my parents providing for me, as such I do not have to gauging things too much. Not too many leaps of faith, not much risks, but at the same time, not too many opportunities taken. - The 1st times I take risks and join intership/ new position at my current company : 1st time, I was new to the company, but I just said I could go to places far from where I live, where there is plenty of work to do, many customers to serve. I believed that I could learn a lot more by serving customers. At the time, I was also steep in my addiction. All I did was work, stay late, go home, play games/ watch gaming content, sleep late, come in late, then repeat. I did not learn alot until I bumped into some nasty cases at work. My addiction prevented me from solving such problems and I turned into a living mess. Confused, hurt, afraid, without hope and without a plan to make things better. The stress overwhelmed me and I was consumed by my addiction. Granted, I did make acquaintance with my current mentor and many people who I respect. I met many people, and so I did become familiar with how business functions on the customers' side. It was not wasted. It was painful and I really wish I could have done better. But I do not regret taking that chance. - The 02nd times I take risks and join intership/ new position at my current company: 2nd time, I took a new position without knowing too much about it. I hated my current job and just wanted to escape. It was good when I got there, when I actually focus to apply myself to get stuffs done. I did make mistakes that I regrets but for 1st 6 months, I got dry. I was a dry drunk, not gaming but was very self-destructive. Once again shit got hairy. I left, I got demoted. I was almost fired. I hit rock bottom. But the people still help me and give me a chance and today I am healthy and accepted into that community, even though my unmanageable life still leads me to act out sometimes. Both experience was marred by my addiction. But by the end results, and by the acceptance of the people, the connections I made, I would say it was worthwhile. I just so regrets that my addiction destroyed my chances. Yes it was my addiction that destroyed my chances, not my "leap of faith".

What does the phrase, "We came to believe...," mean to me? - A strong desire: not just a compulsion, an obsession, a false worship but the result of a process. I have come a long way living an unmanagable life to arrive at this point. I believe because I truly, humbly and really want to be saved. -Deep-sitted: I now have proof that my Higher Power exist and can and is willing to take care of me (will add proof here) - The other way is wrong: I have tried everything else, and nothing works. Yet all I have for this in the beginning was my willingness. And it worked. I was saved, my life got better, I feel connected, I want to live life again. - An awakening: I was snapped out of my addiction and I wake up praying/ coming to believe

Do I have any other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe? What are they? - My relapses: it's kinda simple - all the dopamine hits that come with using will make me forget how terrible the consequences are. Being sober means dealing with my feelings, with things that sucks, with despair, etc. Also If my higher power can help me, why do I keep relapsing??? - "Being smart"/ there is a shortcut: I am not very smart. As a result, I tend to believe (out of shame and cynicism) that there is a "smart" way to do things, that there is a "shortcut", a hack somewhere that all the smart people know and I do not. To put it in another way, I am ashamed to look for help, any kind of help, because I keep holding on to the belief that I am stupid, no matter what I do or what I try. - Double life: I do not tell many people (especially at work) that I am an addict. Therefore, I am terrified that once I start working the steps seriously, once I start changing, people may know. And I have no idea how they will act: will they laugh at me? will they take advantage? will they hate? Also, can I face their reactions to the real me when sometimes even I struggle to accept my messed up life. - My guilt: I am too privileged, I never did anything to earn my place at work and in life. All I did was wasting my time, my parents resources, my company's money and opportunities. My existence (as an addict) and even not so only causes pain and suffering for others. So many had to take care of me instead of getting their shot at a better life. - My shame: as an addict, I find it so hard to shake it. Whatever I do, Ifeel a burden. I do not come into contact with people for fear that what I say, what I feel hurt them because of my unkempt addict's mind. Always afraid of things too late to be changed. Too late to fix. Always have to try to fix something, to be better to be equal and all.