Phoenixking 748 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 Detox day 0. "Rock bottom." I fell off the wagon. I was looking for a 'why' and a 'how' before I came back here. I think I wasn't being honest with myself for a while. I had discovered I was able to watch gameplay videos. This led to binging several hours and hours of content; mostly of games I wished I'd be able to play. Stuff with strong stories. I still believe that games can be used as an amazing medium for storytelling. But it's starting to be more and more clear that I just am not able to hold my urges back. From the beginning of my previous day 1, I had been sneaking pornoghrapic stuff. I have this app that lets you block content for you own protection. I started seeking out porn under the guise of opening the URL so that I may block it properly. And when I opened it, I thought I might as well look around a bit. I never really did crack fully, but I don't think I started my previous run cleanly. Combine that with the gameplay videos and even using my Instagram to look at lewd stuff, it was all dead on arrival to be honest. On top of it all, the depression/burnout stuff with my partner wasn't a happy Christmas present either. It took a major toll on our relationship. She's on antidepressants now and they seem like some sort of miracle drug; but we're still recovering. She saw me spiral and had a front row seat. I was honest to her though. And we went through the motion of it all. She took away my phone (my pc, luckily, is crap so I can only play games on my phone) but I angrily explained to her that I have to decide to quit it all myself and forcing that decision on me will only make matters worse. She saw a very, very ugly side of me. I was manipulative and addicted like a maniac. But even there I made a huge effort to be honest about it. I told a few of my friends even. I notice that we're all struggling with something in our own way. Life is hard, you know. Everybody's got some demon to battle. It's like this is simply what life is. Endlessly fighting the hordes of bad stuff. No wonder people get addicted to escapist things like games, porn, booze or drugs. I feel obliged to say that it's not all bad. There are moments of love and peace and because of all of the bad stuff in the world and in our lives, we should try doubly so to appreciate those and make time for them. I had one night where I reached a low point. I wanted to stop playing this game, but I just couldn't. I could feel myself being stuck, a victim of my impulses. I think I maybe played for 14 hours straight. My SO went to bed and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but continued anyway. It got to the point where I started drinking cheap scotch at 3 am. Partly because I wanted to numb myself because I felt so bad, disgusted, angry and sad. Partly, to save myself. I think I drank the entire remaining half. I couldn't even walk anymore. I just crashed on the couch, room spinning. I was a mess and drunk off my ass. But I had succeeded in making another impulse winning from the impulse to game, sadly that winning impulse was the need to lie down and sleep because I was so wasted and might vomit. My partner found me a few hours later. She patched me up and laid me to bed. I can't believe she's still here after seeing that debacle... I've now installed new porn filters, but Instagram is still a hole. I use it professionally so I can't really delete it. And there's not +18-filters because IG already filters stuff themselves. So it's on me and my willpower and finding ways to combat it. I'm sure there's still ways to find it on my pc, but the filter is pretty rigorous. I just hope that this time, I'll make it to 90 days. I can feel myself being more numb, not appreciating life as much. Like there's this filter been pulled over it all. I'm not as efficient or focused and I want to get rid of it. But I can't seem to let it go just yet... So no porn, but still games on my phone. But I feel like trying to be more honest this time and reminding myself that it's super important to detox for my most precious thing: my brain. Recent highlight: Rediscovering the series 'Scrubs'. Budget status: Happy that I'm keeping an eye on things. My SO tends to lose her own debit card and then uses our shared one. It sounds more malicious than it is, she just loses everything often. Her phone, wallet, ... I'm pretty sure one day this might cause a disaster. In any case, financially okay. Even got another commercial! I am being flown out to Lithuania next week! What a mindfuck! I'm getting flown out to another country to shoot a commercial. How crazy is this?! My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it through the day and not lose too much of my efficiency to my games. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it in a while. -Make the bed - Told this habit to go fuck itself for a few days. I restarted this yesterday. -Drink enough water - I am totally dehydrated. Blame the booze and the games and the lack of structure. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - When I needed to groom, I did this. But not as much as I used to. -No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Apart from that, all week, just 2 beers last night because of my aching muscles. -Meditation - Haven't done this in a while, sadly. I installed my old Calm app. It gave reminders to meditate and had worked the best for me in the past. -Exercise once this week - Haven't been to Krav Maga. Self-destruction and shame are why, basically. But I did cycle about 15 km this week (I AM SORE) and yesterday and the two coming days are really bust and I'll be on my feet a lot. So I'm skipping praccy tonight because I'm already hurting a bit and am not looking to fuck myself up even more. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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