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Phoenixking

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Hello 

I can kind of identify with your SO. I sometimes watch Netflix to distract myself from work and am trained in psychology. She sounds like she has anxiety. One of the forms it takes is asking others for confirmation to help soothe the worrying. 
 

Sorry to offer advice on my first post but you can try asking her to do this each morning. And of course, encourage her to meditate too! ☸️ 

 

Fill out as a worksheet

Concern:

 

Evidence for:

 

Evidence against:

 

New Thought:

 

 

Try to come up with balanced rational thoughts. The goal is realistic thinking not unrealistically positive or negative thinking. 
 

Your meditation practice sounds awesome! And so did the cheesecake. I meditate too it’s really chill and helpful. Keep up the good work.

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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13 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hello 

I can kind of identify with your SO. I sometimes watch Netflix to distract myself from work and am trained in psychology. She sounds like she has anxiety. One of the forms it takes is asking others for confirmation to help soothe the worrying. 
 

Sorry to offer advice on my first post but you can try asking her to do this each morning. And of course, encourage her to meditate too! ☸️ 

 

Fill out as a worksheet

Concern:

 

Evidence for:

 

Evidence against:

 

New Thought:

 

 

Try to come up with balanced rational thoughts. The goal is realistic thinking not unrealistically positive or negative thinking. 
 

Your meditation practice sounds awesome! And so did the cheesecake. I meditate too it’s really chill and helpful. Keep up the good work.

Erik

Just had a convo with her about this. She says thanks and she's since then downloaded an app for meditating and that your tip for making those daily worksheets is really a good one. 

Cheers mate!

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Day 30. "Cookie blisters."

A pretty lazy day. I'm trying to get into it, but it's hard. There's a shitload of stuff to do, alas. NYE came and passed. I quit early because I had drank quite enough. I went home about an hour sooner than my girl. But not long after I left, it all died down. I got to test out my new cool LED-shoes, so that was cool. 
I'm still a bit woozy. It's almost like I'm hung over or something. 

I got another book about food in Japan and another trilogy about stories set in a D&D world. I used to not read anything, now it's like I can't stop.

 

Recent highlight: Waking up with my girl and taking over 3 hours to actually get out of bed together.

Budget status: I'm starting a new budget file! It's easy now to keep track of my own cashflow. It's a bit harder to manage two of them. We have a joint account but I don't always know what she spent what amount on. Maybe we should start keeping track of this together?

My one goal for the next 24h: Just be productive ?  There's so much to do and I've kind of procrastinated. I should make a proper effort to go to bed early today and rise early too.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - It's really starting to seem like this habit is the one that's the hardest to start/maintain.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done!

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had another beer last night. It looks like my drinking is going up again. I better slow down a bit again.

-Meditation - It's flying by. I've been feeling a bit woozy and sleepy today, so nothing today yet. But I'll likely start my morning tomorrow with it. 

-Exercise once this week - Had a walk yesterday. Going to party like a monster tonight.

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17 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thats so great! I’m glad that she’s enjoying those things. I hope everything goes well for you both.

Me too! Thanks man! She's taking an improv class soon and will be seeing a type of burnout/life coach too. It's all about baby steps.

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Day 31. "Dark matter."

I had so much to do today. Classic case of overcramming my planner full of stuff. It lead me and my girl to binging Netflix. At least now I've started doing my todos.

Been reading a new series about Drizzt Do'Urden, I love me some D&D-stories. I am currently reading like 5 books at the same time. Mindfuck.

 

Recent highlight: Having Chinese, a New Year's tradition.

Budget status: Got paid my wages for the commercial, but not yet what I'm owed for the royalties. Ugh...

My one goal for the next 24h: Just be productive ?  There's so much to do and I've kind of procrastinated. I should make a proper effort to go to bed early today and rise early too.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Today, I achieved the goal.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm about to go shower and do just this.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I don't think I've drank anything else but water the last 24h.

-Meditation - I was supposed to do it today, but I got so nervous because of my procrastinating, it seemed smarter to work instead, which lead to procrastinating the work more due to not reducing my stress... Classic mistake.

-Exercise once this week - Had a little walk yesterday and we'll have a busy day cleaning and doing random stuff tomorrow. Krav Maga should be on for next Tuesday, though.

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Day 31. "Dark matter."

I had so much to do today. Classic case of overcramming my planner full of stuff. It lead me and my girl to binging Netflix. At least now I've started doing my todos.

My one goal for the next 24h: Just be productive ?  There's so much to do and I've kind of procrastinated. I should make a proper effort to go to bed early today and rise early too.

Do you schedule days for you to just relax? I get in this mindset that if I'm not productive I'm a failure and I beat myself up. It leads to a downward spiral. I'm now giving myself Wednesday and Friday nights to just relax a bit until I've gained the strength to have multiple productive days in a row. I think it is helping. I've noticed I've been 3D modeling more often and socializing more.

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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Do you schedule days for you to just relax? I get in this mindset that if I'm not productive I'm a failure and I beat myself up. It leads to a downward spiral. I'm now giving myself Wednesday and Friday nights to just relax a bit until I've gained the strength to have multiple productive days in a row. I think it is helping. I've noticed I've been 3D modeling more often and socializing more.

No, I don't. It's more like I do shit every day, but I also sleep in every day. I'll soon start a different and more demanding rhythm, so I'll most likely plan some days off. But nowadays it's all very fluent. I try to watch my energy levels and make sure I take my time every morning to wake up and catch my breath, have a coffee, do some Duolingo and so on. But sometimes it can go a bit haywire.

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Day 32. "Slow awakening."

So another day of being up late. At least I actually did some important work yesterday, working on the schedules for my actors as a production leader. Today we also arranged some stuff for my SO's old apartment and later we'll be headed to a party. Tomorrow there's lunch at grandpa's and I'll try to finish the schedules in the afternoon. So my couple of lazy days will die down and it'll get a bit more into more productive days.

Money is deceptively tight, suddenly. We've pooled our resources and it seemed like we suddenly, together, had lots of money to spend! But then because we both started spending more because of that, we didn't make the rent this month. We paid it using our savings. But it's the reason I'll be keeping a close eye on things in the next few months. I'm thinking of putting myself on a weekly budget again. 

I have a comedy gig lined up on Monday evening. I don't really want to go. I tried to slyly get out of it and I feel like I'd be too much of a dick if I just clearly stated I no longer wanted to do it. The guy who organizes it is a bit of a comedy big shot and I'd rather have him on my side. Connections are important. But now I have to re-learn my comedy material and I'm honestly just not feeling it... Maybe stand-up just isn't for me? Which reminds me, I should get the comedy gig I organize each month up and running again. Organizing comedy actually makes money. Doing comedy requires a lot of trial and error before you see actual cash and I just don't have the heart anymore for a time investment like that. Especially not when this year will be so busy with the business we'll (hopefully soon) be starting.

 

Recent highlight: Getting into my new book about The Underdark, a subterranean world in D&D.

Budget status: It sucks that we didn't plan things right and didn't make the rent. We both thought putting X amount on the joint account would be enough, but we just missed it. We'll try to optimize our budgeting next month.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to let go of the stress and enjoy the party, then do the same tomorrow at lunch at grandpa's, only to dive into the work after lunch is over.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Today, I haven't had a single glass yet. Ugh. This habit is like a yo-yo. I think the problem is that I don't sit down at my desk/table to do the diary with water next to me.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done ?

-No daydrinking at home alone - All quiet here.

-Meditation - Haven't meditated in a day or two actually. I'm starting to notice that I'm being more stressed. Maybe I should really do this tomorrow...

-Exercise once this week - I wonder if sex counts. If not, there was some biking today, a party later and normally there's Krav Maga this Tuesday.

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On 1/3/2020 at 1:13 PM, Phoenixking said:

Me too! Thanks man! She's taking an improv class soon and will be seeing a type of burnout/life coach too. It's all about baby steps.

Baby steps are good. I’m trying to join some social group too. I was thinking hiking. How’s improv?

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23 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

How’s improv?

For me it's given me a huge bunch of great friends, given me more confidence and professionally it's a good way to get extra income. If you think you could have fun with it (Google some Whose line is it anyway) or enjoy it, I'd say go try out a class ^^

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Day 33. "Dad."

Today we visited grandpa. We had food and he talked for about 4 hours. I bet he was very happy with us cooking and visiting him. He took out a box full of old photos.

The odd thing is that my dad was there. My sister went ahead earlier than me, to cook and prep things, she's a chef after all. And my dad has done unspeakable things to us. I'm a bit tougher than she is, emotionally, especially when it comes to him. Running into him or facing him? No problem. He's a sad, old, drunk, liar with major psychological issues. Why would I waste energy on somebody like that? After all these years, he's like a stranger, honestly. So I've kind of detached from it all. Some things still hit me, like the fact he has a daughter and thus I have a half-sister. But that's beside the point. My sister called me, freaking out about Dad being there. It's a sore subject for her and she's not as over it all as I am. By the time I got there, he left within a minute. He usually spends time with grandpa on mornings and has moved his computer stuff to grandpa's living room. I assume it's because of grandma's death, but honestly? With Dad's life choices and lying, it could just as well be that he got kicked out of his own house, lives out of a hotel and just stashed his PC at grandpa's... I've learned to never trust that man. 

We think grandpa told him we'd be there and that he stayed voluntarily. To see my sister, her SO and me and mine. After saying hello and wishing us a happy 2020, he left. And it totally freaked me out. I started asking myself all these questions. Why did he do that? Did he know we'd be there? Did he stay on purpose or not? Did he leave because of me? 

After it all died down, I'd heard from my sister's SO that he was talking about how many Master's Degrees he's gotten (5) and his cool job, etc... We always call bullshit. My sister kept her cool, he left and we had a lovely time with grandpa. He told us Dad is taking good care of him. He arranged some kind of government allowance for widowers. He now gets 400 a month extra thanks to Dad and because Dad registered as his caretaker, he gets 130. I don't know how to feel about that. I know the man is not evil incarnate, but he's so slimy and sleazy. Could he actually be sincere? I know he brings around a lot of food to grandpa and works there nowadays... Maybe he stayed to see his kids and say hello and leave it at that because he realizes he'll never get past it all. I'm so confused and I feel so weird and vulnerable. I also find it despicable that that deplorable man with his heinous past and abominable acts is still able to have such a huge impact on my emotional state after all these years. 

 

Recent highlight: Drinking champagne and a bottle of red Merlot from 2011 with grandpa. And even getting a case of cigars!

Budget status: I had a talk with the SO about spending and we've agreed to cut some stuff this month and just get by with what we have in the pantry for a while. Not only are our cupboards bulging and thus we need the space so we must eat all we have, we also need to take a hard look at our monthly budget. She's seeing a friend of mine who's a pro in that stuff in a few weeks.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try and nail the comedy gig tomorrow. I have an early morning planned, so I'll try to practice a lot tomorrow.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Today, I sat down with my PC and next to it was a glass and a jug of water ^^ That made things very easy, obviously. 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to have dinner. I'll probably do this after.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had drinks, but all of them in good circles, no harm done.

-Meditation - About to have dinner and will meditate afterwards.

-Exercise once this week - Next Tuesday will be demanding. Cleaning up the old apartment of my SO ànd a Krav Maga sesh. Phiew!

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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
-Drink enough water - Today, I sat down with my PC and next to it was a glass and a jug of water ^^ That made things very easy, obviously. 

I know this is a very specific feedback, but I bought a water canteen just for this purpose and take it everywhere. Suddenly it's very easy to drink enough water every day. I try to empty it once a day, twice if possible. 

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7 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Day 33. "Dad."

Today we visited grandpa. We had food and he talked for about 4 hours. I bet he was very happy with us cooking and visiting him. He took out a box full of old photos.

The odd thing is that my dad was there. My sister went ahead earlier than me, to cook and prep things, she's a chef after all. And my dad has done unspeakable things to us. I'm a bit tougher than she is, emotionally, especially when it comes to him. Running into him or facing him? No problem. He's a sad, old, drunk, liar with major psychological issues. Why would I waste energy on somebody like that? After all these years, he's like a stranger, honestly. So I've kind of detached from it all. Some things still hit me, like the fact he has a daughter and thus I have a half-sister. But that's beside the point. My sister called me, freaking out about Dad being there. It's a sore subject for her and she's not as over it all as I am. By the time I got there, he left within a minute. He usually spends time with grandpa on mornings and has moved his computer stuff to grandpa's living room. I assume it's because of grandma's death, but honestly? With Dad's life choices and lying, it could just as well be that he got kicked out of his own house, lives out of a hotel and just stashed his PC at grandpa's... I've learned to never trust that man. 

We think grandpa told him we'd be there and that he stayed voluntarily. To see my sister, her SO and me and mine. After saying hello and wishing us a happy 2020, he left. And it totally freaked me out. I started asking myself all these questions. Why did he do that? Did he know we'd be there? Did he stay on purpose or not? Did he leave because of me? 

After it all died down, I'd heard from my sister's SO that he was talking about how many Master's Degrees he's gotten (5) and his cool job, etc... We always call bullshit. My sister kept her cool, he left and we had a lovely time with grandpa. He told us Dad is taking good care of him. He arranged some kind of government allowance for widowers. He now gets 400 a month extra thanks to Dad and because Dad registered as his caretaker, he gets 130. I don't know how to feel about that. I know the man is not evil incarnate, but he's so slimy and sleazy. Could he actually be sincere? I know he brings around a lot of food to grandpa and works there nowadays... Maybe he stayed to see his kids and say hello and leave it at that because he realizes he'll never get past it all. I'm so confused and I feel so weird and vulnerable. I also find it despicable that that deplorable man with his heinous past and abominable acts is still able to have such a huge impact on my emotional state after all these years. 

 

Recent highlight: Drinking champagne and a bottle of red Merlot from 2011 with grandpa. And even getting a case of cigars!

Budget status: I had a talk with the SO about spending and we've agreed to cut some stuff this month and just get by with what we have in the pantry for a while. Not only are our cupboards bulging and thus we need the space so we must eat all we have, we also need to take a hard look at our monthly budget. She's seeing a friend of mine who's a pro in that stuff in a few weeks.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try and nail the comedy gig tomorrow. I have an early morning planned, so I'll try to practice a lot tomorrow.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Today, I sat down with my PC and next to it was a glass and a jug of water ^^ That made things very easy, obviously. 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to have dinner. I'll probably do this after.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had drinks, but all of them in good circles, no harm done.

-Meditation - About to have dinner and will meditate afterwards.

-Exercise once this week - Next Tuesday will be demanding. Cleaning up the old apartment of my SO ànd a Krav Maga sesh. Phiew!

I think he's doing it as some sort of window of opportunity to speak slowly. My dad tried doing that since I didn't speak to him for 8 years. After 6 years he started trying to attend certain things I might be at. After 8 years we ran into each other and it was a little less shocking. I could see he had changed. See how it goes and just trust your emotions. 

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8 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

For me it's given me a huge bunch of great friends, given me more confidence and professionally it's a good way to get extra income. If you think you could have fun with it (Google some Whose line is it anyway) or enjoy it, I'd say go try out a class ^^

Sounds like it's been awesome for you. Maybe I will sometime.

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13 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I know this is a very specific feedback, but I bought a water canteen just for this purpose and take it everywhere. Suddenly it's very easy to drink enough water every day. I try to empty it once a day, twice if possible. 

Yeah, got me one of those too. Maybe I should start using it again. I used to bring it to my office job in the past and it worked wonders, like crazy. Nowadays I try to do the same with a glass and my water jug. I think it's more the stability and predictability that helps instead of the canteen/bottle/jug thing. I currently don't have a set space where I work and that tends to muck things up a bit.

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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think he's doing it as some sort of window of opportunity to speak slowly. My dad tried doing that since I didn't speak to him for 8 years. After 6 years he started trying to attend certain things I might be at. After 8 years we ran into each other and it was a little less shocking. I could see he had changed. See how it goes and just trust your emotions. 

Thanks man. I'm going to see what my sister thinks of it. I'm so weirded out by it. All my life I've wanted nothing less than for him to make some kind of effort to be in my life. It's so daunting that he seems to do that. But why only just now? Where was he 10 years ago or more, you know? And the thing I'm most scared of is that I'm just reading into it, that I'm seeing what I want to see. I think I'm just going to leave it alone for now and see what happens, play things by ear.

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Day 34. "The unavoidable gig."

Today I wanted to get up at 8, but rose at 11:30... I don't have the circadian rhythm yet. Had quite a few late night where I stayed up late, read books or partied or watched Netflix with the SO, she was on holiday from work after all. She HAD to get up this morning at 6 for work. I had the option of sleeping in. My alarm doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. I'm basically a lazy animal in the morning. It's not until a few hours after I've had my coffee that my engine is finally running properly. But once it does, I'm a fucking wrecking ball. I'd like to be able to wake up earlier and nail life. But I think that it's just not me. I'm an afternoon/evening/night person. I have so much energy then. Maybe I should stop trying to change myself and just run with it. Accept it and try to optimize what's here instead of trying to force a change.

The gig is tonight. Haven't practiced a bit at all. It's probably going to be my last comedy set. I don't mind performing, at all. I just am not in the habit of collecting and writing material. It's not a burning passion of mine. I like acting way more and being funny by acting, like in improv. So I'll just try to get by tonight and move on. I tried getting under from it, but it didn't stick. I'll just show up and be diligent about it and then go back home. It's so annoying. Ugh. I initially did it because I wanted to push myself to write new material, but it's clear now that I don't enjoy comedy enough to put up with having to practice it and perform for no pay, and also drive to other cities and stuff. I'm used to hosting, public speaking, acting, ... All properly compensated stuff. At the bare minimum, my expenses for my car or public transport are paid for. I may have gotten a little spoiled over the years...

Well... I guess I better go practice now.  

 

Recent highlight: Reading my Drizzt book. I'm happy I bought three of them. About 1000 pages in total, ish. I'm really into the story!

Budget status: I'm looking forward to my next gig, a couple of days on set of a big series. I'm just an extra, but get paid 100 cash per day. Easy money and I can probably work on my laptop or read books a lot. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Just get through the gig. I'll try not to care if I suck or not, I just want to get it over with.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  I've been hooked onto the leaderboards again... Dammit. I'm so sensitive to feelings of competition, progress and achievement

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - The glass of water thing next to my pc is working out today as well.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll have a shower and brush before I go to the gig.

-No daydrinking at home alone - All good.

-Meditation - Trouble finding a free app that works for me. But I might think that at this point I just need some nice music or the sound of a river flowing or something. I have 2 more apps to test out. If they won't work, I'll just set a timer and use the nature sounds thing.

-Exercise once this week - Tomorrow there's going to be Krav Maga and the cleanup. I'll be sore by Wednesday XD

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Day 35. "The close calls."

Well, yesterday after my journal entry, it was quite the roller coaster. I kept on procrastinating doing my comedy, anxious about the gig. Suddenly an email popped up, a huge gig, right up my alley, major pay, equal to the Burger King ad I did. I applied, made a video, the whole shebang. But it coincided with helping out my partner. Her landlord is visiting her apartment one last time to look at the place. Any defects or damages would be on the bill my SO would get. And my SO is terrified of that confrontation. We had a major serious talk about it and she would literally prefer to pay a 2000 euro fine and not show up, leave the whole situation as it is and just stay at home and not confront her. So I stepped in. I'm a great talker, not afraid of that lady and am, when needed, able to use my superpowers of public speaking to transform myself into some kind of spin doctor. I could sell water to a fish. I don't like doing it, it often feels morally wrong, it's like lying but on crack. Which is why I never went into sales, despite excelling at it. So because of the great gig, I'd leave my SO high and dry. But.. MONEY! So I applied anyway. We'd figure something out.

Still anxious about the comedy gig that night, though, but applying and making a video and so on took priority. Then suddenly, I get a message from the comedy booker! He's sick, there was not a lot of promo and another two comedians dropped out. So he had decided to cancel the event! I got away scot-free! YAY! But then the message came back that the great gig that payed so well was already taken by another dude who just applied quicker than I did and it was all very last minute so they took him... Aw... But that means I still get to kick ass versus that landlady AND I now had time to finish up on some other work! YAY! 

So tonight there's Krav Maga and there's time yesterday and today to finish up on some work concerning scheduling my actors. And tomorrow there's my barber's appointment (majorly looking forward to a good trim and a new haircut), in the afternoon we kick ass and shut the door on that gnarly chapter of the bad apartment and in the evening my SO has her first appointment with her new therapist. 

 

Recent highlight: The relief I felt when the annoying comedy gig fell through.

Budget status: Well, it sucks that the well paid gig went to the competition and I've yet to be paid for several things. But at least there's the gig the next 10 days of being an extra.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy Krav Maga, relax at the barber's and verbally kick that landlady's butt goodbye

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  Sadly, still on the leaderboard thing... The effects are dying down though. I see how much this behavior resembles my video game addiction.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Got my water right next to me. Also because of Krav Maga, I'll prolly drink a lot .

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm about to have a shower and take care of this ^^

-No daydrinking at home alone - No issues, despite there being beer in the fridge and there's never been this much liquor in our cabinet.

-Meditation - I'm going to start using some self-made stuff. The apps just don't do it anymore for me. 

-Exercise once this week - Krav Maga tonight. Finally!

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Day 35. "Balled."

Krav Maga was a kick in the teeth. Good gawd. HAAARD. Got my ass handed to me. I dropped my guard so often, so I got punched in the face a lot. But I did have a blast though XD 

Today I visited the barber's and had the talk with my SO's landlady. The latter went really well. I expected it to go off without a hitch, my SO was really nervous. Even afterwards when it all turned out great, she's still a bit upset. There's just no winning. We got our deposit back, the whole shebang went great. And she just keeps going on about how guilty she feels about leaving the landlady. Honestly, I don't know how her parents or exes treated her, but that's a jumbled brain to me.

I'm bald now. I went to the barber's to have my beard trimmed and my hair cut. My bald spot had been growing over the last few months. I didn't expect today to be the day, but it was all shaven off. I'm bald now. It's so weird... I have a full beard, though. Big, bushy and nicely trimmed now. I'll probably keep growing it. To compensate I guess? The guys at the barbershop commended me for asking to shave it all off. Most duded postpone it, use wigs or comb overs. I figured I'd be more of a confident man if I were to just accept and embrace change. After all, there's no stopping nature. It's weird to walk around with the last haircut you'll ever have. Maybe one day I'll have some fun and grow out my old, gray professor-like hairdo. Like some sort of Einstein. But for now, it's a smooth skull and a bushy beard. Along with 2020 starting and me starting a business soon, it feels like some sort of a new me.

 

Recent highlight: Seeing my SO get all of her deposit back, no issues whatsoever.

Budget status: Had another call with the payment office. There's still a backlog they need to pay me out for. And I got a message from the unemployment office. It seems everything is going to work out fine soon...

My one goal for the next 24h: Gotta be on set tomorrow, so I guess my goal is to just try to be as productive as possible?

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  The competition feelings died down a little. I can see it pop up again in the future, though. But I'll try to keep a lid on it.

-Make the bed - Actually, not done. For the first time in a while. I was the first one out of bed and my girl just left it unmade

-Drink enough water - Just parked my butt with some water next to me.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning ^^

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had some sparkling wine because celebrations!

-Meditation - Was too busy this morning, had to leave fast. And now I'm kind of buzzed so nope.

-Exercise once this week - I sadly have to be on set, so no Krav Maga in a while 😞 

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Day 38. "Setlife."

Aaaaand we're back. Phew. 2 days of being an extra on a set in a different city. Due to that city no longer allowing a polluting car like mine in downtown, I had to use a combination of highways and public transportation. UGH. SUCKS. The gig itself was okay, to be honest. I brought my book, my phone and my laptop. I got quite a bit of work done, actually. I also finished my book but the better part of the two days were spent talking with the other extras. Usually on a set, if you're not aware, there's always extras. But they change them out often and so they're viewed as the bottom of the food chain, expendable. I know this because I've been directing, doing technical stuff, acting, ... I've been on different sports of the ladder before and more often than not, extras are not considered a part of the family. Rough? Yes. But working on a set for a living is rough in itself. It's a tight knit family and thus they're weary of externals. Some extras are also morons. They dawdle around the famous actors if they're there and bug them, they ask stupid questions and sometimes even exude arrogance. They'll have picture of all the sets they've been on or brag about exaggerated achievements of theirs. I've been lead actor or something similarly important big on a set loads of times, it's my job. I no longer consider myself special or have my ego running about. But if it's an extra who brags about the commercials they've been in or the movies they've directed or shot? It's just weird. If you're so successful, then why are you here as an extra? 

There was one such person there. There always is. But I was pleasantly surprised. Almost all of the others weren't like that! They were smart, knew their place, well read, emotionally intelligent. The amount of deep conversations we had was insane! So unexpected. We went from diet, to comedy, to PC-culture, movies, relationships, emotions, politics, ... Non-stop deep and engaging conversations. Amazing! But not tiring. It was so fluent. I worked, rested, read and ate whenever I felt the need to and all other moments was just fun. I started telling them about the voices I could do or why I like improv and then I just started doing a mini-show XD The mood got the best of me. We had to be shushed a few times but you could see that the crew members around us were enjoying it too. I fucking love making people laugh. The hours are insane. I didn't get much sleep. But the engaging conversations were kind of worth it. It made me feel like I was not alone. There are more smart, self-developing and titillating people out there. Fucking lovely!

On the down side, I've been feeling a little bit sad about the loss of my hair. I'm bald now. I've been getting soooo many compliments about how I look now and how cool they think it is that I had the balls to do it myself, how they know a few people who sadly use comb overs and  the likes and that they respect me for embracing it. I used to be way more confident about how I looked. But now it's gotten a bit of a dent. I don't seem to look like myself anymore. I think I'm in mourning or something. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself anymore. It's a different person. He looks like me but like from a parallel universe or something. It's uncomfortable... Had I know that I'd go through this, I may have postponed cutting it off. In a way I'm happy that I didn't though. But it's not fun feeling like this about my appearance.

 

Recent highlight: Improvising a Christmas-themed rap, lyric by lyric, on the spot, with the help of a beatboxing Spanish opera-singer on set. Yes, you read that right.

Budget status: Got paid for one gig, but still waiting for my serious cash. I've noticed that for a gig worth 2000, I lost 300 because of the payrolling office's rules. If there ever was a time to take the reigns and arrange for my own accountancy, it was now... 

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy family time. My SO's sister is here and tomorrow we're seeing, for the first time in over a year of incidents and infighting, my entire expanded new family of my mom and her boyfriend and all of the kids and their SOs.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  I might splurge a little bit more next week on the leaderboard thing, but odds are I'll flake out and just focus on my own progress.

-Make the bed - All good.

-Drink enough water - Still rather hard sometimes. I really need to have a moment during the day where I sit down and have water near me. 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go shower and do this exact thing. The past two days were hard though because lots of set stuff and not a lot of sleep.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Last night had a beer and some sparkling wine.

-Meditation - Probably going to do it after the shower.

-Exercise once this week - My leg hurts. My toe is okay now but my knees are still not exactly solid. Guess I'm just growing old. I'll miss some practices because of being on set, so hopefully I can find a way to compensate somehow.

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Day 40. "Deficit."

I spent a part of Saturday moping around and sulking because of the loss of my hair. I actually cried because of it. I just don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I finally know what some people deal with when they say they don't like how they look. It's going to take me a while to get used to this new look of mine. The final haircut I'll ever have... At least I had a good laugh when I went to see an improv show Saturday night.

Sunday was spent with family and today was another day on set. I went to sleep waaaay too late. I am not that good at falling asleep. I read, I toss and turn, I check my phone, ... I had about 3 hours last night. I'm just not a morning person, I'm an evening/afternoon kind of guy. That's when I'm most active and get the most things done.

I've been reading a lot on the set, in between takes, and I always bring my laptop to get some shit done. I've been really getting through my to do list because of that.

But I'm also an energetic spasmoid. Not being able to go to improv trainings or Krav Maga is making me a bit cage-ragey. I have lots of physical energy. Combine that with wanting to make my fellow extras burst into laughter, and you have a bit of a disruptive element on set. Today I made a conscious effort to calm down, but the others are as bad as I am XD If we'd be at a bar or a party, it'd be spectacular. But we have to sit still and be quiet often. I think lots of people are probably jealous of how funny we can be. But I also understand they just want to do their job and that we are extras and thus totally unimportant.

 

Recent highlight: Getting a shitload of stuff done and learning I can be on set tomorrow a few hours later than normal.

Budget status: I keep contacting my payrolling place for the money they still owe me. I'll keep hammering the same nail if I have to!

My one goal for the next 24h: Relax a little bit, eat and drink something and watch 1 episode of something and then go to sleep.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  I can feel the leaderboard thing starting to get a bit annoying. Haven't missed a day in a while though.

-Make the bed - SO left the bed unmade, but it's fine since it's my habit and not hers.

-Drink enough water - Today went a bit better. The reminders the app gives me helps.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it before I left for set today.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I feel like I've been drinking a bit more lately. 

-Meditation - Haven't meditated in about 2 days. Did do it without any apps, just nature music on Sunday and it was lovely.

-Exercise once this week - I am getting a bit antsy. I have to be on set so it's hard to exercise, of course.

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Day 40. "Deficit."

I spent a part of Saturday moping around and sulking because of the loss of my hair. I actually cried because of it. I just don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I finally know what some people deal with when they say they don't like how they look. It's going to take me a while to get used to this new look of mine. The final haircut I'll ever have... At least I had a good laugh when I went to see an improv show Saturday night.

Sunday was spent with family and today was another day on set. I went to sleep waaaay too late. I am not that good at falling asleep. I read, I toss and turn, I check my phone, ... I had about 3 hours last night. I'm just not a morning person, I'm an evening/afternoon kind of guy. That's when I'm most active and get the most things done.

I've been reading a lot on the set, in between takes, and I always bring my laptop to get some shit done. I've been really getting through my to do list because of that.

But I'm also an energetic spasmoid. Not being able to go to improv trainings or Krav Maga is making me a bit cage-ragey. I have lots of physical energy. Combine that with wanting to make my fellow extras burst into laughter, and you have a bit of a disruptive element on set. Today I made a conscious effort to calm down, but the others are as bad as I am XD If we'd be at a bar or a party, it'd be spectacular. But we have to sit still and be quiet often. I think lots of people are probably jealous of how funny we can be. But I also understand they just want to do their job and that we are extras and thus totally unimportant.

 

Recent highlight: Getting a shitload of stuff done and learning I can be on set tomorrow a few hours later than normal.

Budget status: I keep contacting my payrolling place for the money they still owe me. I'll keep hammering the same nail if I have to!

My one goal for the next 24h: Relax a little bit, eat and drink something and watch 1 episode of something and then go to sleep.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  I can feel the leaderboard thing starting to get a bit annoying. Haven't missed a day in a while though.

-Make the bed - SO left the bed unmade, but it's fine since it's my habit and not hers.

-Drink enough water - Today went a bit better. The reminders the app gives me helps.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it before I left for set today.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I feel like I've been drinking a bit more lately. 

-Meditation - Haven't meditated in about 2 days. Did do it without any apps, just nature music on Sunday and it was lovely.

-Exercise once this week - I am getting a bit antsy. I have to be on set so it's hard to exercise, of course.

There's a lot of forums out there for balding men and it's very supportive with advice if you need it. Sorry to hear. 

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Day 42. "Soujourn."

So my booking on the set got cancelled for today. Apparently yesterday they got it all done so efficiently that today was cut from the schedule and gave us extras a day off. But because of the booking already being made, they still pay us 65 out of the 100 we are owed for just being home. Lucky break!

My mind is still a bit hazy, the days on set make me wake up early and I'm not that good at that. I'm up, sure, but not really awake. I slept in today. I'm pretty sure that after I detox the current 90 days, I'll just continue my course but try to mind my sleeping pattern. I don't want to do that yet, I've learned to nod bite off too much to chew. But after the 90 days dealing with the sleep stuff might be an upgrade.

An upgrade like the efforts I've been putting in my dental care. This morning I had to drag my sorry ass to the dentist after waking up early on a day off. I was kind of curious about what the results would be. I had gotten a few cavities filled and the state of it all was abysmal. But I doubled down on efforts and started brushing more, flossing, using a dental brush and mouth water. And apparently I aced it! Nothing to remark, he said. And I don't have to be back to the dentist for another full year! I'm so happy!

Tomorrow will be my last day on set. The second half of this month will be all about the business I'm starting. I have an appointment at the end of the month to evaluate if I'm clever and prepped enough to enter a government paid for program for people like me. If all goes well, I'd enter something roughly translating to 'The Starters' Lab'. I'd get coaches, classes and guidance for a maximum of 18 months. The point of it all is to prep me, guide me and help me get the right tools I'd need. They teach you the business stuff, but not the content of your business. They won't teach me anything about acting, but would do so about selling my skills. I'm very excited for the idea. 

It would include major budgeting though... Now that I'm officially eligible for unemployment money, I'll get some retroactive money, about 2 months worth. And one major downside of the Lab-program is that I have to survive off of that money. I get a small humble amount each month. So major budgeting. All of the money I make in the business, I have to give to them as some sort of fail-safe. It's to make sure I don't absorb all of the knowledge they'd give me, run off in a few weeks and do it all on my own. They need to get paid for their services. So in the beginning they pay for all of the costs I'd make, and I have to send all of the bills with their business info. So I don't have to pay for any accounting, paperwork, setting up shop, registering my business, ... I use their already set mechanisms. And during the 18 months of getting taught how to do shit, I give them all I earn in return while surviving off the unemployment money. If I don't earn enough each month, there are advances I can get on the amount I'll be getting back. Because when you "graduate" they give back all of the money you kind of accumulated yourself but had to give to them as some sort of backup plan. So ideally I get into the program next month ish. Then I'd work like a maniac for about 18 months max. Then the money I'd made will fund a trip to Japan with my SO, a big savings account and by that time I'd hopefully have a solid and functioning business. Exciting times.

 

Recent highlight: Waking up fully relaxed, with a cup of coffee and a new season of The Orville. Pure bliss and a great way to wake up slowly.

Budget status: I think I might start limiting my luxury spending again, starting next Monday. To make sure I budget enough in advance. Just for safety's sake.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to go to sleep on time after improv practice tonight.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good. The leaderboard thing died down as expected.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Sitting down at the table with a jug of water helps. I'm already halfway there today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to shower, brush and meditate before going for a walk.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Haven't been home all too much.

-Meditation - About to go and meditate.

-Exercise once this week - Can't get to Krav Maga, but I'll settle for doing Improv tonight and trying to be as physical as possible.

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Day 44. "MONEY!"

Final day on set was yesterday. I'm happy to be home again. But another bit of money was made now. Yay!

The big thing the next two weeks I'll be doing is a paperwork thing. I have to prep a solid application and admit it to a business consultant of my local department for unemployed people. It's going to be rather exhausting, knowing myself. I am both not good at paperwork because I'm chaotic and I also hate it because I use up twice the amount of focus and energy. I have to do market research, google my potential competitors and figure out their businesses, practices and prices and compare them to what I'm planning. Stuff like that. 

It's super fucking important that I nail that application. But I'm unsure of how well I should market my insight, intellect and previous successes. Because it's a government program meant to help me, I'm a bit fearful if I seem too prepared and successful they'd advise me to go out on my own and not waste their resources on somebody who could make it without their help, there are after all places that look for their specific demographic and want to only spend their means on people who actually need the help but do exhibit potential. On the other hand if I look like somebody who does their required prepping diligently, I think I come across as a safe bet and somebody who works hard, right? I might just be overthinking this a tad. But I'm nervous. This could be a life changing trajectory and I've been risking and sacrificing lots of things for this sequence...

I went to my union today to get the unemployment cheques figured out. I'm owed about 500-600 for the months of november and december. I got a letter a while back that let me know the doctor they had appointed had ruled me as a proper burnout case and somebody with intellectual capacity and will strong enough to endure an endeavor like what's coming. So basically, that made the government decide that I had done a good job quitting my previous office gig to prevent my bore-out from getting worse. Normally if you quit your job, you get jack shit. But because of my reasoning, they agreed to pay me the full shizz anyway. 

But it gets better. I'm not sure if it's a mishap, a lucky break, a move the union pulled or just the system cutting me a break, but I'm getting a shitload of money. About 1500 per month. It slowly drops down after a while. By the end of 2020 it's going to be about 1200 per month. But my expenses never exceed 1000 per month so in terms of money, I'm without worry for the next 18 months or so! This is huge! It was supposed to be at least half that, because the last couple of months of my working I had started working half-time instead of full-time. But because of some legalities like me being on sick leave for a long time and working for 2 years full-time before those 3 months of half-time working, I had gotten a full ride! It's insane.

I was prepared to haul ass, budget carefully, sell some stuff and work my ass of starting the business. But it seems I'll be able to take a load off and I'll just have to focus on the business. That is, IF and that could be a BIG IF, I get through the application process. I don't like jumping through all of these paper hoops. I'm way better at things if I can talk my way in or out of stuff. But it seems to be going the right way for now.

 

Recent highlight: Discovering I'm getting a shitload of money each month soon.

Budget status: I got another payment for the commercial, but it still all seems way too little to me. I'll contact them soon, but for now, I have other priorities.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do what I had planned to do today, but have a moment of celebration tonight.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Not done yet. I'll do it soon, though.

-Make the bed - The bedroom is a mess right now. Sheets need changing though. I'll go clean up the kitchen and bedroom after my Japanese.

-Drink enough water - After reading that it's super healthy to only sit down in stints of 30 minutes, I tend to get up way more to get a glass of water. A good new thing for both reasons 🙂

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Actually haven't done this yet. I should do it after the cleaning of the rooms...

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had a drink yesterday and I'll probably have some whiskey later tonight in celebration. My drinking seems to be going up a bit again. I'm thinking of joining my girl in not drinking 1 drop of alcohol in February.

-Meditation - Planned to meditate later tonight after my girl has left the house.

-Exercise once this week - I made improv practice Wednesday night to get some energy released. And there's actually been a lot of sex this week. But this weekend we were thinking of going for a big hike with a few friends. I can't do next Krav Maga practice either, but the second one next week should be fine.

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