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Day 63. "Reality." - Trigger warning: Videogames

It was a bit awkward when she came back from work. We'd have to leave rather quickly to get to the VR thing. She wasn't really talking to me so I figured I'd leave it at that. Playing games in VR might give a bit of catharsis. It also scared me a bit because of the gaming addiction. I felt like it was the right move, though. We'd need to vent some steam together and I figured it was worth skipping Krav Maga to be together in these trialing times. She expressed her insecurities and considered cancelling. If she did, I would have gone without her, probably. I saw they had this cool gladiator-type game and I felt like crushing some skulls. Mainly because I would get crazy exercise that way, I jump and swing around a lot and I needed to get rid of my excess energy and frustrations. In the end, I told her I believed it would be fun and healthy for us. I'm happy she came along because it was great fun. She played Beat Saber for a bit and I sliced and diced gladiators and then we did this co-op zombie shooter thing. We had to communicate and rely on each other. 2 hours flew by and we have once more giggling and having fun like we did months ago before all of this mess started. 

The whole VR thing is a major grey area for me. It's super important to be vigilant when it comes to playing video games. When relapsing in the past, I couldn't control myself. And one could argue that spending 45 bucks to play 2 hours of VR is problematic. Now there is some disposable income nowadays and it's what you'd spend for a solid dinner or a fun night of entertainment or at a fancy bar. So as long as spending money isn't becoming dangerous, I think we're good. And I still remember the head rush that games or porn used to give me. This wasn't like that. It didn't feel addictive. I was sad or more like surprised when we were done, but not because I wanted to play more, it was because I wanted to have fun with my SO more. If I would have done it all alone for 2 hours, it may have felt weird. But the owner was fun and we'd connected over our love of Japan. I might go back there some time. Probably with my partner though, just to be safe. All in all it was a nice night, though I'm still a bit careful with the whole VR-thing.

I'm so excited about the Professional Dungeon Master stuff. I just can't wait to start crafting a whole world and several plots for them. I'm so eager to start. They seemed to respond receptively on the mail I sent with my prices and what to expect. I hope I can start soon...

 

Recent highlight: Playing VR-games with my SO.

Budget status: Having money is deceptive. I should be mindful of what I spend, but I know that I have a lot nowadays. A dangerous thing...

My one goal for the next 24h: I have to make the schedules. I hate that. If I finish 1 thing today, I hope it's that.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All clear.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - I hope to get a better water-day today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I usually do it at least once a day, often before I go out. I'll probably do it later today before I head to improv.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had whisky yesterday. Problematic... For the last week I've been drinking more. Obviously because of the stress and my SO's dark thoughts...

-Meditation - Monday: No. Tuesday: No. Wednesday: Not yet.

-Exercise once this week - Still a bit sore from last night, so it was a good workout. Next up will be improv tonight and tomorrow there's Krav Maga.

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Detox day 0. "Rock bottom."

I fell off the wagon. I was looking for a 'why' and a 'how' before I came back here. I think I wasn't being honest with myself for a while. I had discovered I was able to watch gameplay videos. This led to binging several hours and hours of content; mostly of games I wished I'd be able to play. Stuff with strong stories. I still believe that games can be used as an amazing medium for storytelling. But it's starting to be more and more clear that I just am not able to hold my urges back. From the beginning of my previous day 1, I had been sneaking pornoghrapic stuff. I have this app that lets you block content for you own protection. I started seeking out porn under the guise of opening the URL so that I may block it properly. And when I opened it, I thought I might as well look around a bit. I never really did crack fully, but I don't think I started my previous run cleanly. Combine that with the gameplay videos and even using my Instagram to look at lewd stuff, it was all dead on arrival to be honest. On top of it all, the depression/burnout stuff with my partner wasn't a happy Christmas present either. It took a major toll on our relationship. She's on antidepressants now and they seem like some sort of miracle drug; but we're still recovering. 

She saw me spiral and had a front row seat. I was honest to her though. And we went through the motion of it all. She took away my phone (my pc, luckily, is crap so I can only play games on my phone) but I angrily explained to her that I have to decide to quit it all myself and forcing that decision on me will only make matters worse. She saw a very, very ugly side of me. I was manipulative and addicted like a maniac. But even there I made a huge effort to be honest about it. I told a few of my friends even. I notice that we're all struggling with something in our own way. Life is hard, you know. Everybody's got some demon to battle. It's like this is simply what life is. Endlessly fighting the hordes of bad stuff. No wonder people get addicted to escapist things like games, porn, booze or drugs. I feel obliged to say that it's not all bad. There are moments of love and peace and because of all of the bad stuff in the world and in our lives, we should try doubly so to appreciate those and make time for them.

I had one night where I reached a low point. I wanted to stop playing this game, but I just couldn't. I could feel myself being stuck, a victim of my impulses. I think I maybe played for 14 hours straight. My SO went to bed and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but continued anyway. It got to the point where I started drinking cheap scotch at 3 am. Partly because I wanted to numb myself because I felt so bad, disgusted, angry and sad. Partly, to save myself. I think I drank the entire remaining half. I couldn't even walk anymore. I just crashed on the couch, room spinning. I was a mess and drunk off my ass. But I had succeeded in making another impulse winning from the impulse to game, sadly that winning impulse was the need to lie down and sleep because I was so wasted and might vomit. 

My partner found me a few hours later. She patched me up and laid me to bed. I can't believe she's still here after seeing that debacle... I've now installed new porn filters, but Instagram is still a hole. I use it professionally so I can't really delete it. And there's not +18-filters because IG already filters stuff themselves. So it's on me and my willpower and finding ways to combat it. I'm sure there's still ways to find it on my pc, but the filter is pretty rigorous. I just hope that this time, I'll make it to 90 days. I can feel myself being more numb, not appreciating life as much. Like there's this filter been pulled over it all. I'm not as efficient or focused and I want to get rid of it. But I can't seem to let it go just yet... So no porn, but still games on my phone. But I feel like trying to be more honest this time and reminding myself that it's super important to detox for my most precious thing: my brain.

 

Recent highlight: Rediscovering the series 'Scrubs'.

Budget status: Happy that I'm keeping an eye on things. My SO tends to lose her own debit card and then uses our shared one. It sounds more malicious than it is, she just loses everything often. Her phone, wallet, ... I'm pretty sure one day this might cause a disaster. In any case, financially okay. Even got another commercial! I am being flown out to Lithuania next week! What a mindfuck! I'm getting flown out to another country to shoot a commercial. How crazy is this?!

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it through the day and not lose too much of my efficiency to my games.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it in a while.

-Make the bed - Told this habit to go fuck itself for a few days. I restarted this yesterday.

-Drink enough water - I am totally dehydrated. Blame the booze and the games and the lack of structure.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - When I needed to groom, I did this. But not as much as I used to.

-No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Apart from that, all week, just 2 beers last night because of my aching muscles.

-Meditation - Haven't done this in a while, sadly. I installed my old Calm app. It gave reminders to meditate and had worked the best for me in the past.

-Exercise once this week - Haven't been to Krav Maga. Self-destruction and shame are why, basically. But I did cycle about 15 km this week (I AM SORE) and yesterday and the two coming days are really bust and I'll be on my feet a lot. So I'm skipping praccy tonight because I'm already hurting a bit and am not looking to fuck myself up even more.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Detox day 0. "Rock bottom."

I fell off the wagon. I was looking for a 'why' and a 'how' before I came back here. I think I wasn't being honest with myself for a while. I had discovered I was able to watch gameplay videos. This led to binging several hours and hours of content; mostly of games I wished I'd be able to play. Stuff with strong stories. I still believe that games can be used as an amazing medium for storytelling. But it's starting to be more and more clear that I just am not able to hold my urges back. From the beginning of my previous day 1, I had been sneaking pornoghrapic stuff. I have this app that lets you block content for you own protection. I started seeking out porn under the guise of opening the URL so that I may block it properly. And when I opened it, I thought I might as well look around a bit. I never really did crack fully, but I don't think I started my previous run cleanly. Combine that with the gameplay videos and even using my Instagram to look at lewd stuff, it was all dead on arrival to be honest. On top of it all, the depression/burnout stuff with my partner wasn't a happy Christmas present either. It took a major toll on our relationship. She's on antidepressants now and they seem like some sort of miracle drug; but we're still recovering. 

She saw me spiral and had a front row seat. I was honest to her though. And we went through the motion of it all. She took away my phone (my pc, luckily, is crap so I can only play games on my phone) but I angrily explained to her that I have to decide to quit it all myself and forcing that decision on me will only make matters worse. She saw a very, very ugly side of me. I was manipulative and addicted like a maniac. But even there I made a huge effort to be honest about it. I told a few of my friends even. I notice that we're all struggling with something in our own way. Life is hard, you know. Everybody's got some demon to battle. It's like this is simply what life is. Endlessly fighting the hordes of bad stuff. No wonder people get addicted to escapist things like games, porn, booze or drugs. I feel obliged to say that it's not all bad. There are moments of love and peace and because of all of the bad stuff in the world and in our lives, we should try doubly so to appreciate those and make time for them.

I had one night where I reached a low point. I wanted to stop playing this game, but I just couldn't. I could feel myself being stuck, a victim of my impulses. I think I maybe played for 14 hours straight. My SO went to bed and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but continued anyway. It got to the point where I started drinking cheap scotch at 3 am. Partly because I wanted to numb myself because I felt so bad, disgusted, angry and sad. Partly, to save myself. I think I drank the entire remaining half. I couldn't even walk anymore. I just crashed on the couch, room spinning. I was a mess and drunk off my ass. But I had succeeded in making another impulse winning from the impulse to game, sadly that winning impulse was the need to lie down and sleep because I was so wasted and might vomit. 

My partner found me a few hours later. She patched me up and laid me to bed. I can't believe she's still here after seeing that debacle... I've now installed new porn filters, but Instagram is still a hole. I use it professionally so I can't really delete it. And there's not +18-filters because IG already filters stuff themselves. So it's on me and my willpower and finding ways to combat it. I'm sure there's still ways to find it on my pc, but the filter is pretty rigorous. I just hope that this time, I'll make it to 90 days. I can feel myself being more numb, not appreciating life as much. Like there's this filter been pulled over it all. I'm not as efficient or focused and I want to get rid of it. But I can't seem to let it go just yet... So no porn, but still games on my phone. But I feel like trying to be more honest this time and reminding myself that it's super important to detox for my most precious thing: my brain.

 

Recent highlight: Rediscovering the series 'Scrubs'.

Budget status: Happy that I'm keeping an eye on things. My SO tends to lose her own debit card and then uses our shared one. It sounds more malicious than it is, she just loses everything often. Her phone, wallet, ... I'm pretty sure one day this might cause a disaster. In any case, financially okay. Even got another commercial! I am being flown out to Lithuania next week! What a mindfuck! I'm getting flown out to another country to shoot a commercial. How crazy is this?!

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it through the day and not lose too much of my efficiency to my games.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it in a while.

-Make the bed - Told this habit to go fuck itself for a few days. I restarted this yesterday.

-Drink enough water - I am totally dehydrated. Blame the booze and the games and the lack of structure.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - When I needed to groom, I did this. But not as much as I used to.

-No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Apart from that, all week, just 2 beers last night because of my aching muscles.

-Meditation - Haven't done this in a while, sadly. I installed my old Calm app. It gave reminders to meditate and had worked the best for me in the past.

-Exercise once this week - Haven't been to Krav Maga. Self-destruction and shame are why, basically. But I did cycle about 15 km this week (I AM SORE) and yesterday and the two coming days are really bust and I'll be on my feet a lot. So I'm skipping praccy tonight because I'm already hurting a bit and am not looking to fuck myself up even more.

I have work but I'll respond later to it when I have more time. 

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Just a little positive perspective to something, that I have seen on this forum quite often now: A relapse is not the end of the world. You managed to not game for more than 60 days already. That is great! Actually amazing, the majority of people, who have an addiction are incapable to not do it for a week. Right now is a little bit of a rough phase, but this is part of the whole journey of change. But focusing so much on not doing something, focusing on those filters, which will basically "steal" your candy, that is not optimal in my opinion. A psychologist once said, forgot his name, that often smokers don't start smoking again, because they crave the nicotine per se, but rather they they tortured themselves for so long with the whole idea of not being aloud to do it that they crave the cigarettes to not have this feeling of not having it, this feeling of stress. Instead, I suggest a more positive perspective. Keep focusing on those other activities. Try to find things that are fun, that keep you going. You haven't made your bed for a couple of nights? You were gaming? You were not drinking enough? So what? Just keep doing it from now on again. If anything, this is a valuable lesson to see, what you can improve or what might trigger the whole thing. I recently relapsed on porn, I also relapsed on a little bit too much food, nothing too bad. Doesn't mean I failed, I just learned something and I continue with it all. The next two days after the "incident" were absolutely amazing. Actually better than ever. If your job is to become an amazing basketball player, you will probably have stretches, where you don't hit anything. Sometimes, even the best nba players have a stretch of several games, where they just don't have the touch. But they still keep going and keep shooting. Eventually, the touch comes back and they are better than ever.

If you now look at your "streak" and your numbers and that you hope whether you can make it to 90 days or, that could be a way to make it harder for yourself. Don't give the games more power than they actually have. You are a tough person, just develop a mindset, where with every new try, you just kick the videogames in the butt a little bit harder every single time. Eventually, they will bleed like pigs and die. I see some hate and anger in you. This is not a bad thing. Just keep hating and blaming the videogames. I still blame them for so many things in my life. Might not be accurate, but it can feel really good. Eventually, you will hit the 90 days with ease and then you will laugh at the videogames laying in the dirt, being embarrassed themselves.

Just my five cents. Keep going, you can do it!

Edited by Alexanderle
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3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Phoenixking

Hold on there. Do you know the root cause?

Can you remember the first time you opened a gameplay video?

What happened prior to that?  Take time to figure this out.

Not yet. I'm still trying to figure out what was at the base of it all. I think I was missing something somewhere. Obviously games left me with a hollow feeling, but those first few moments of relapsing felt kind of nice. I might need some form of competition back into my life. I've been playing with the idea of taking up boxing or some form of martial arts other than Krav Maga. I can really imagine myself minding my diet, my body and my mind way more if it means that I have to beat somebody. But I'm not sure it's a good idea because if I bust up my face, my acting career will take a few licks here and there 😛 Krav Maga is great, it really is, it ticks so many boxes. But I think that competition is one of the things I was lacking that games were giving me. I need to feel challenged in some way. But then again, I was also looking for something relaxing. I have more books now and am going to try and be more mindful of all of this. Usually when I relapse I have a clear and precise answer as to why. Now, I'm not so sure...

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On 2/13/2020 at 5:49 AM, Phoenixking said:
Detox day 0. "Rock bottom."

I fell off the wagon. I was looking for a 'why' and a 'how' before I came back here. I think I wasn't being honest with myself for a while. I had discovered I was able to watch gameplay videos. This led to binging several hours and hours of content; mostly of games I wished I'd be able to play. Stuff with strong stories. I still believe that games can be used as an amazing medium for storytelling. But it's starting to be more and more clear that I just am not able to hold my urges back. From the beginning of my previous day 1, I had been sneaking pornoghrapic stuff. I have this app that lets you block content for you own protection. I started seeking out porn under the guise of opening the URL so that I may block it properly. And when I opened it, I thought I might as well look around a bit. I never really did crack fully, but I don't think I started my previous run cleanly. Combine that with the gameplay videos and even using my Instagram to look at lewd stuff, it was all dead on arrival to be honest. On top of it all, the depression/burnout stuff with my partner wasn't a happy Christmas present either. It took a major toll on our relationship. She's on antidepressants now and they seem like some sort of miracle drug; but we're still recovering. 

She saw me spiral and had a front row seat. I was honest to her though. And we went through the motion of it all. She took away my phone (my pc, luckily, is crap so I can only play games on my phone) but I angrily explained to her that I have to decide to quit it all myself and forcing that decision on me will only make matters worse. She saw a very, very ugly side of me. I was manipulative and addicted like a maniac. But even there I made a huge effort to be honest about it. I told a few of my friends even. I notice that we're all struggling with something in our own way. Life is hard, you know. Everybody's got some demon to battle. It's like this is simply what life is. Endlessly fighting the hordes of bad stuff. No wonder people get addicted to escapist things like games, porn, booze or drugs. I feel obliged to say that it's not all bad. There are moments of love and peace and because of all of the bad stuff in the world and in our lives, we should try doubly so to appreciate those and make time for them.

I had one night where I reached a low point. I wanted to stop playing this game, but I just couldn't. I could feel myself being stuck, a victim of my impulses. I think I maybe played for 14 hours straight. My SO went to bed and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but continued anyway. It got to the point where I started drinking cheap scotch at 3 am. Partly because I wanted to numb myself because I felt so bad, disgusted, angry and sad. Partly, to save myself. I think I drank the entire remaining half. I couldn't even walk anymore. I just crashed on the couch, room spinning. I was a mess and drunk off my ass. But I had succeeded in making another impulse winning from the impulse to game, sadly that winning impulse was the need to lie down and sleep because I was so wasted and might vomit. 

My partner found me a few hours later. She patched me up and laid me to bed. I can't believe she's still here after seeing that debacle... I've now installed new porn filters, but Instagram is still a hole. I use it professionally so I can't really delete it. And there's not +18-filters because IG already filters stuff themselves. So it's on me and my willpower and finding ways to combat it. I'm sure there's still ways to find it on my pc, but the filter is pretty rigorous. I just hope that this time, I'll make it to 90 days. I can feel myself being more numb, not appreciating life as much. Like there's this filter been pulled over it all. I'm not as efficient or focused and I want to get rid of it. But I can't seem to let it go just yet... So no porn, but still games on my phone. But I feel like trying to be more honest this time and reminding myself that it's super important to detox for my most precious thing: my brain.

 

Recent highlight: Rediscovering the series 'Scrubs'.

Budget status: Happy that I'm keeping an eye on things. My SO tends to lose her own debit card and then uses our shared one. It sounds more malicious than it is, she just loses everything often. Her phone, wallet, ... I'm pretty sure one day this might cause a disaster. In any case, financially okay. Even got another commercial! I am being flown out to Lithuania next week! What a mindfuck! I'm getting flown out to another country to shoot a commercial. How crazy is this?!

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it through the day and not lose too much of my efficiency to my games.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it in a while.

-Make the bed - Told this habit to go fuck itself for a few days. I restarted this yesterday.

-Drink enough water - I am totally dehydrated. Blame the booze and the games and the lack of structure.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - When I needed to groom, I did this. But not as much as I used to.

-No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Apart from that, all week, just 2 beers last night because of my aching muscles.

-Meditation - Haven't done this in a while, sadly. I installed my old Calm app. It gave reminders to meditate and had worked the best for me in the past.

-Exercise once this week - Haven't been to Krav Maga. Self-destruction and shame are why, basically. But I did cycle about 15 km this week (I AM SORE) and yesterday and the two coming days are really bust and I'll be on my feet a lot. So I'm skipping praccy tonight because I'm already hurting a bit and am not looking to fuck myself up even more.

Good job coming back here and good job writing about your issues. I think you gotta look at this in an honest way, which is that you feel better on this website and not gaming. You don't feel better when you game. 

The second thing I noticed is you did what DaBest recently did as well as many others who have relapsed, which includes myself with porn, which is once you start doing something else you start doing all of the other bad habits. This can be done for a few reasons. The two I'll point out are:

  1. You relapsed with video games, which goes against a fundamental value you've determined for yourself. You feel ashamed and guilty when gaming. So now that you gamed, you feel like you have failed miserably and are ashamed. This leads you to this feeling of "hitting rock bottom" so you start to indulge in other behaviors that challenge your fundamental core values such as watching porn, drinking alcohol, ruining your sleep schedule, eating poorly, having a negative behavior, and pretty much any activity that leads to escapism and a comfort zone within the realm of depression. Depression is like a pit of water. Picture a going into a bathtub. It starts off warm at first, but after a while it starts to get cold. So you start adding warm water back into it, but no matter what happens you keep getting colder. Realistically, the only way to get warm again is get out of the water, dry off, find clothes, and go get warm. This is a great metaphor for depression. You feel comfortable in depression by escapism. You start to feel worse about gaming and recognize it, but think the only way to feel better is to do more bad behaviors. These bad behaviors keep you depressed and are hurting you long term. The easiest way out is the thing you fear most, which is jumping out of the depression, wiping your hands free of it, and seeking therapy, family, friends, and Eilien (i can't spell her name) to speak with. Which leads to my second point.
  2. I think if you read most of your journal entries you'll find a few things you're doing and a few things you're experiencing that are leading you to relapses. The first major thing you're doing is it is pretty clear that you're overwhelming yourself with shit to do and not dealing with your anxiety. We've talked about this before where you keep taking on too much pressure to perform, too many tasks, etc. Doing this long term can lead to situations where you're constantly going and if something bad and out of your control happens, you might end up at a breaking point faster than somebody taking on less. That event that was and is out of your control recently was the situation with your girlfriend being suicidal and arguing with her. You also mentioned how a few weeks or maybe months now you've felt restrained from bringing up issues in your relationship to her. Now that she's revealed she's suicidal to you, I am wondering if you're unable to put any of your pressure and stresses on her in fear of stressing her out. Maybe this makes you hold it in more. Maybe this makes you seek escapism (gaming videos) which can lead to relapse (gaming, porn, drinking).

I remember when you hurt yourself doing Krav Maga last year and kept beating yourself up about gaining weight, not doing comedy, and struggling for money. I think you had quit your job at this time as well. I bring this up because I would like to know how you handle down time. You have severe anxiety and have mentioned it to me in private (can't respond to notifications even, such as the hockey message), and with issues at your job. You even had a doctor allow you time away from your job for over a month.

What is down time to you? How do you handle it? How are you handling your anxiety? What are you doing when you're anxious? Are you still seeing a therapist or doctor? If the answer is no then I think you need to take steps to deal with anxiety. You might need to rely on Elien more and discuss that with her. Maybe that helps her escape her own depression by caring for you more. Who knows.

I apologize if I sound rude in this message. I don't think I do, but sometimes it is tough to read what other people think. I personally think you're overwhelming yourself and I wanted to point out situations that I've noticed over the past year and a half of talking to you that stuck out to me. I did this because you mentioned twice that you don't really understand why this happened.

Good luck.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 2/16/2020 at 12:24 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Good job coming back here and good job writing about your issues. I think you gotta look at this in an honest way, which is that you feel better on this website and not gaming. You don't feel better when you game. 

The second thing I noticed is you did what DaBest recently did as well as many others who have relapsed, which includes myself with porn, which is once you start doing something else you start doing all of the other bad habits. This can be done for a few reasons. The two I'll point out are:

  1. You relapsed with video games, which goes against a fundamental value you've determined for yourself. You feel ashamed and guilty when gaming. So now that you gamed, you feel like you have failed miserably and are ashamed. This leads you to this feeling of "hitting rock bottom" so you start to indulge in other behaviors that challenge your fundamental core values such as watching porn, drinking alcohol, ruining your sleep schedule, eating poorly, having a negative behavior, and pretty much any activity that leads to escapism and a comfort zone within the realm of depression. Depression is like a pit of water. Picture a going into a bathtub. It starts off warm at first, but after a while it starts to get cold. So you start adding warm water back into it, but no matter what happens you keep getting colder. Realistically, the only way to get warm again is get out of the water, dry off, find clothes, and go get warm. This is a great metaphor for depression. You feel comfortable in depression by escapism. You start to feel worse about gaming and recognize it, but think the only way to feel better is to do more bad behaviors. These bad behaviors keep you depressed and are hurting you long term. The easiest way out is the thing you fear most, which is jumping out of the depression, wiping your hands free of it, and seeking therapy, family, friends, and Eilien (i can't spell her name) to speak with. Which leads to my second point.
  2. I think if you read most of your journal entries you'll find a few things you're doing and a few things you're experiencing that are leading you to relapses. The first major thing you're doing is it is pretty clear that you're overwhelming yourself with shit to do and not dealing with your anxiety. We've talked about this before where you keep taking on too much pressure to perform, too many tasks, etc. Doing this long term can lead to situations where you're constantly going and if something bad and out of your control happens, you might end up at a breaking point faster than somebody taking on less. That event that was and is out of your control recently was the situation with your girlfriend being suicidal and arguing with her. You also mentioned how a few weeks or maybe months now you've felt restrained from bringing up issues in your relationship to her. Now that she's revealed she's suicidal to you, I am wondering if you're unable to put any of your pressure and stresses on her in fear of stressing her out. Maybe this makes you hold it in more. Maybe this makes you seek escapism (gaming videos) which can lead to relapse (gaming, porn, drinking).

I remember when you hurt yourself doing Krav Maga last year and kept beating yourself up about gaining weight, not doing comedy, and struggling for money. I think you had quit your job at this time as well. I bring this up because I would like to know how you handle down time. You have severe anxiety and have mentioned it to me in private (can't respond to notifications even, such as the hockey message), and with issues at your job. You even had a doctor allow you time away from your job for over a month.

What is down time to you? How do you handle it? How are you handling your anxiety? What are you doing when you're anxious? Are you still seeing a therapist or doctor? If the answer is no then I think you need to take steps to deal with anxiety. You might need to rely on Elien more and discuss that with her. Maybe that helps her escape her own depression by caring for you more. Who knows.

I apologize if I sound rude in this message. I don't think I do, but sometimes it is tough to read what other people think. I personally think you're overwhelming yourself and I wanted to point out situations that I've noticed over the past year and a half of talking to you that stuck out to me. I did this because you mentioned twice that you don't really understand why this happened.

Good luck.

Hey man, thanks for the response. I feel like you bring up valid points. For example, because of the last few days being so swamped and busy, I had decided to take today off. But the first thing I did today was make a list of priorities of stuff that needs to get done this week... I'm starting to see how 'relaxing' is rather difficult for me. It does seem like I use work or other things that keep me busy as a tool to stay away from down time. I'm a pretty energetic guy, I've always had issues with being at peace and being more restful. I've talked about it with my former therapist and have seen the light. It made me realize the importance of slowing down and being more at ease with things, without wanting to scramble and intervene. I just haven't figured out exactly how. Nature, tea, meditation, ... Maybe I should go on walks more or something? Or try to get some 'shinrin-yoku' going on once a week? To properly answer your question, down time usually means that I sleep in and wake up slowly. I make coffee and watch Netflix and maybe read my book but slowly stuff like notification, emails or social media will start to slip in. My daily goals creep in and suddenly I 'HAVE TO' meditate, do my Japanese exercises, ... I tend to automatically pressure myself into doing all these things for my benefit, stuff I'll get something out of like a healthier life, a sharper mind, ... My SO (Elien, I know, it's foreign spelling so I don't blame you; it actually made me giggle) says that she sees me always being on the lookout for new ways to improve myself but she never sees me accepting things as they are. It feels so weird realizing this. It's like I'm somehow handicapped. Rationally, I know that there's a part of me that really craves more mindfulness and peace. But it's like there's the flaming hot engine inside of me, flames bursting out of the exhaust pipes, roaring and eager to bite down on the next project. But it's encased in a tired body. So to compensate, the engine roars twice as hot. I need to take that all down a peg, but I haven't really figured out how. It takes mental effort to pipe it down a bit, to meditate or find something to calm me down, like reading. Mental energy is often scarce because of all of the stuff I'm doing. I think I'll only truly be able to stay clean for long stretches once I figure out how to be more calm again. Maybe I should go do yoga or something? I have been thinking of leaving Krav Maga for a while and substituting it with boxing or kickboxing because of the competition element or yoga because it's still a good workout but also way more peaceful. 

Thoughts, opinions, advice anyone?

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Detox day 4. "Shinrin-yoku."
 
Inspired by the above comments I've realized that I have indeed been numbing myself a bit too much, have been taking on and escaping into projects and Netflix too often and have taken on too much stuff on my plate. I'm starting to see that I'm not that good at relaxing or enjoying down time. I get restless rather quickly. So I'm trying something new called Shinrin-yoku, a Japanese term that kind of means something along the lines of taking a frequent 'nature bath'. Walking around in nature, enjoying the breeze, finding some peace and quiet. Kind of like taking a moment for yourself like taking and enjoying a hot bath. But instead of surrounding yourself with water, it's with nature. And also you're not naked. I just came back from a walk in a nearby nature reserve. It's 20 minutes away and it always felt like it's so far. I should've done this sooner. I sat down to gives my bad knees a rest and for the first time in a while, I winded down. I noticed that I felt stressed and sad and started learning why. It's being overwhelmed, the 1000 notifications on my phone, the many responsibilities, the state of our apartment and the lack of cleanliness and structure, ... And ironically, then I started getting overwhelmed by how big the mountain seems of what'll need changing to be a bit more at ease in life. I figured it was a good step and deemed it wise to go at it slowly. I'll try to go there sometimes or like once a week, we'll see.
 
For the remainder of the day, I'll try to clean up the place a bit, I have a class to teach all of a sudden because of a colleague getting sick last minute and cook some food. Tomorrow is my last day because I'm leaving for Vilnius Wednesday morning. I'm hoping I'll be more mindful of my limits and how much stimuli I can process. I shouldn't listen to podcasts or music or watch series all the time. It's like there's always some sound or images in my periphery. I should try and find a bit more peace.
 

Recent highlight: The walk in the nature reserve.

Budget status: Kind of okay for now. But my SO keeps using our shared account for random expenses because she keeps losing her own personal card. I'll have a talk with her tonight.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to mind my stress levels a bit and stay mindful. 

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it yesterday, I think. I'm not taking it serious for now to avoid pressuring myself too much.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - I feel like I drink daily. Just not as much as I should be.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll probably do it later tonight before I go and teach a class.

-No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Nah, okay.

-Meditation - I'm not sure if the shinrin-yoku counts, but if so, I had a peaceful 40 minutes today.

-Exercise once this week - I did about 10,000 steps today according to my counter.

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Detox day 5. "Digital detox or not?"
 
I might be imagining things, but I feel like something changed in me yesterday. Like, I connected with something inside of me that I haven't been in touch with in a while, sadly. I hope I make it to frequenting the park more often and turning off my phone. It made me sad and helped me realize there were some things very wrong. But at least it was real. There was nothing numbing me, no podcasts or music playing, no screens in the background with favorite sitcoms... Maybe this is something crucial that I had been missing, some form of focus on life, consciousness, mindfulness, ...
 
Tomorrow I leave for Lithuania for about 4 days. I'm still not sure if I should bring my laptop or not. Part of me doesn't want to waste any time and wants to work. Surely there will be boring moments there, no? Or moments where I'll feel a bit lost in translation or bored or anxious with having to hang out with the crew or my colleague actress. I sometimes just don't have the juice to socialize with people. But another part of me thinks I should just embrace the challenge and go screenless. I'll still have my phone in case of emergency.
 
Anyway, today will be all about cleaning this place up a bit, cooking food for my SO and prepping my trip.
 

Recent highlight: Falling asleep in the arms of my SO.

Budget status: Still okay. Forgot to talk about the SO about using the misused card.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my travel bag together.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished it.

-Make the bed - Did it as soon as I woke up.

-Drink enough water - Well, it's 10 am so I obviously haven't done it yet. Maybe I can get a jug of water set close to me or something today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I have a gig tonight, so I'll probably do it when I need to get ready for it.

-No daydrinking at home alone - All good.

-Meditation - I might dabble. But the walk yesterday is still keeping me a bit grounded.

-Exercise once this week - I won't make it to Krav Maga. But my legs are still sore so I don't want to push my luck anyway. I assume travelling the next few days will imply a lot of walking.

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54 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Tomorrow I leave for Lithuania for about 4 days. I'm still not sure if I should bring my laptop or not. Part of me doesn't want to waste any time and wants to work. Surely there will be boring moments there, no? Or moments where I'll feel a bit lost in translation or bored or anxious with having to hang out with the crew or my colleague actress. I sometimes just don't have the juice to socialize with people. But another part of me thinks I should just embrace the challenge and go screenless. I'll still have my phone in case of emergency.

I say go for it without the laptop. I spent my 10 weeks in Iceland without my laptop and while I still spent a few hours on the phone, I think it was less than I would've had if I had my laptop.

A habit I had while I was in Iceland was to spend about an hour just lying on the coast, thinking, meditating, reading or slumbering after the day's work. I'll try something similar today after all these months. I also sometimes feel that my days are constant streams of activities and that I don't really have a sharp divide that would allow me to enter a more relaxed part of the day.

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Just remember that only 20 years ago people went on EVERY trip without a laptop and you'll be fine, lol. Just had a conversation this morning with someone who wanted advice on how to stop using their phone so much and I said "wellll... just don't bring it with you. People used to never have cellphones with them" and it was such a bizarre idea to her, haha. Ikar is right though, you'll at least have your phone with you.

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Detox day 11. "New frame of mind vs habits hard to break."
 
I'm back from Lithuania. I spent 4 days there to shoot a commercial for an app called Vinted. It was insane. I've never been flown out to somewhere before for something like that. I felt like some kind of jetsetting celebrity. I'm pretty sure it was a once in a lifetime thing, so I enjoyed it to the max! And it turns out that I majorly lucked out. I met my colleague, we'd be playing a happy new couple in the commercial, and also met the other two actresses. We got along great and because of the schedule we basically got 2 days of paid vacation in Vilnius. Drinks, walks, food, jokes, ... 2 amazing days were had! Normally you arrive alone, fit your clothes and learn your lines as soon as you arrive and shoot the next day. The fact that we had so much downtime was a major lucky break! 
Returning home was not so much fun. I hadn't slept at all and felt sick. The air was dry in the hotel, in the studio, in the airport and on the plane; my throat was so sore. I had trouble sleeping because I was scared to miss my taxi at 5 am. When I arrived home, I hit my bed and after a few hours rallied to go do an improv show. It went pretty okay, mainly because I minded how much energy I had vs how much I was willing to use. It seems I am adopting a new frame of mind.
 
Ever since the walk in the park and thinking about what 'relaxing' and 'downtime' really means to me, I've been noticing how many hours I spend in front of screens. My phone, laptop, tv, ... Enough to give me a headache often. So by not bringing my laptop to the trip, I cut it down a bit. I'm now trying to only use a screen consciously. I'd like to refrain from binging series and numbing myself, I'd like to try and be more mindful and live more in the present. If I watch a movie or listen to a podcast, I want to do it because I looked forward to it, I want to give it my full attention and focus on it and enjoy it. Not because it's a compulsion. I want to try and read more and go do my shinrin-yoku/nature bath more often. I was even hoping to do it more today. When I turn my phone off and just enjoy the wind, birds and the dirt beneath my sneakers, it's like my true emotions bubble up. No longer numbed by the constant barrage of visual stimuly, the sensory onslaught stops for a second and I get in touch with what I'm REALLY thinking and feeling and then go from there. Last week this learned me that I'm stressed, have a lot of work stuff on my plate and there a lots of things that I "HAVE TO DO". I kind of already knew that, but really deeply feeling how sad and stressed it makes me, made me realize I needed to change that. I'm lucky that I maneuvered things in my life in such a way that I'm no longer dependent on a boss or an office job. That means that I hold all of the strings that stress me out; but it also means that all responsibilities to save my stressed ass also lie with me. 
 
Old habits die hard. I hope my new intentions on how to act will eventually win.
 

Recent highlight: A conversation I had with a few friends about life, emotions, stress, doubts, living together with an SO, burnouts and other stuff.

Budget status: After a stern conversation with my SO about using the shared account for other expenses, it looks like I'm totally within budget this month. And that's AFTER splurging on books and spending money in Vilnius without care! Look at me! After such struggles, I'm financially finally doing well! I've saved so much this month! I'll finally breach the milestone of 5000 bucks saved before summer! This is incredible!

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my stuff done that's on the list and try to make it to the park today.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it a few hours ago. I dialed it down on purpose. Now I only have to complete 2-3 lessons instead of 3-4. I might dial it down again if I feel like it's too much.

-Make the bed - SO did it. Yay!

-Drink enough water - I tried to drink a lot yesterday. I'll bring a big bottle with me to the park. This is still a struggle...

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it in a bit, when I shower to go to the park.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Wasn't alone. Had sake with my SO over sushi.

-Meditation - I feel like sitting down and meditating feels like a bigger effort than driving 20 min to the park to walk around in silence. So I'll go for the latter in a bit.

-Exercise once this week - There's Krav Maga tomorrow night. But I'm still a bit ambiguous about whether or not I'll go. Walking fucks up my knees so I need a bit of recovery, but it seems the park benefits my mind majorly. So I'll see how my body feels tomorrow.

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This is an incredible commitment to journaling. Amazing work so for. 

I think you should tap yourself on the back. 

Just keep yourself busy and don't let gaming even have time to cross your mind. And tell yourself that gameplay are just the same thing. They both waste valuable time. 

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15 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Detox day 11. "New frame of mind vs habits hard to break."
 
I'm back from Lithuania. I spent 4 days there to shoot a commercial for an app called Vinted. It was insane. I've never been flown out to somewhere before for something like that. I felt like some kind of jetsetting celebrity. I'm pretty sure it was a once in a lifetime thing, so I enjoyed it to the max! And it turns out that I majorly lucked out. I met my colleague, we'd be playing a happy new couple in the commercial, and also met the other two actresses. We got along great and because of the schedule we basically got 2 days of paid vacation in Vilnius. Drinks, walks, food, jokes, ... 2 amazing days were had! Normally you arrive alone, fit your clothes and learn your lines as soon as you arrive and shoot the next day. The fact that we had so much downtime was a major lucky break! 
Returning home was not so much fun. I hadn't slept at all and felt sick. The air was dry in the hotel, in the studio, in the airport and on the plane; my throat was so sore. I had trouble sleeping because I was scared to miss my taxi at 5 am. When I arrived home, I hit my bed and after a few hours rallied to go do an improv show. It went pretty okay, mainly because I minded how much energy I had vs how much I was willing to use. It seems I am adopting a new frame of mind.
 
Ever since the walk in the park and thinking about what 'relaxing' and 'downtime' really means to me, I've been noticing how many hours I spend in front of screens. My phone, laptop, tv, ... Enough to give me a headache often. So by not bringing my laptop to the trip, I cut it down a bit. I'm now trying to only use a screen consciously. I'd like to refrain from binging series and numbing myself, I'd like to try and be more mindful and live more in the present. If I watch a movie or listen to a podcast, I want to do it because I looked forward to it, I want to give it my full attention and focus on it and enjoy it. Not because it's a compulsion. I want to try and read more and go do my shinrin-yoku/nature bath more often. I was even hoping to do it more today. When I turn my phone off and just enjoy the wind, birds and the dirt beneath my sneakers, it's like my true emotions bubble up. No longer numbed by the constant barrage of visual stimuly, the sensory onslaught stops for a second and I get in touch with what I'm REALLY thinking and feeling and then go from there. Last week this learned me that I'm stressed, have a lot of work stuff on my plate and there a lots of things that I "HAVE TO DO". I kind of already knew that, but really deeply feeling how sad and stressed it makes me, made me realize I needed to change that. I'm lucky that I maneuvered things in my life in such a way that I'm no longer dependent on a boss or an office job. That means that I hold all of the strings that stress me out; but it also means that all responsibilities to save my stressed ass also lie with me. 
 
Old habits die hard. I hope my new intentions on how to act will eventually win.
 

Recent highlight: A conversation I had with a few friends about life, emotions, stress, doubts, living together with an SO, burnouts and other stuff.

Budget status: After a stern conversation with my SO about using the shared account for other expenses, it looks like I'm totally within budget this month. And that's AFTER splurging on books and spending money in Vilnius without care! Look at me! After such struggles, I'm financially finally doing well! I've saved so much this month! I'll finally breach the milestone of 5000 bucks saved before summer! This is incredible!

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my stuff done that's on the list and try to make it to the park today.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it a few hours ago. I dialed it down on purpose. Now I only have to complete 2-3 lessons instead of 3-4. I might dial it down again if I feel like it's too much.

-Make the bed - SO did it. Yay!

-Drink enough water - I tried to drink a lot yesterday. I'll bring a big bottle with me to the park. This is still a struggle...

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it in a bit, when I shower to go to the park.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Wasn't alone. Had sake with my SO over sushi.

-Meditation - I feel like sitting down and meditating feels like a bigger effort than driving 20 min to the park to walk around in silence. So I'll go for the latter in a bit.

-Exercise once this week - There's Krav Maga tomorrow night. But I'm still a bit ambiguous about whether or not I'll go. Walking fucks up my knees so I need a bit of recovery, but it seems the park benefits my mind majorly. So I'll see how my body feels tomorrow.

I'm glad you're seeing what I was talking about. I am glad it's making a positive impact for you. I sometimes feel like gaming creates anxiety within us because we're "wasting time" not getting exp or doing something efficiently enough. Ever since I started slowing down, going for walks, watching a movie, reading, doing yoga, etc. I have felt so much better and less anxious. It allows me to put more energy into important tasks. I hope you see these benefits as well.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm glad you're seeing what I was talking about. I am glad it's making a positive impact for you. I sometimes feel like gaming creates anxiety within us because we're "wasting time" not getting exp or doing something efficiently enough. Ever since I started slowing down, going for walks, watching a movie, reading, doing yoga, etc. I have felt so much better and less anxious. It allows me to put more energy into important tasks. I hope you see these benefits as well.

Absolutely man! It still takes a bit of effort to slow down. I find it hard to sit down in my home and meditate, but going to the park seems to do the trick. A different environment, some nature, no phone and time to think about life and stuff. It's a good way for me to get in touch which myself and see how I feel. I notice I read more too and though I still have lots of stuff on my plate, I tend to look at it more with a smile than anxiety. Thanks for your insight and advice!

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Detox day 12. " Pacing."
 
The walk in the park yesterday hit the spot. I noticed that I was waaaaay happier than the week before. I walked faster, had some pep in my step and whereas normally I try to avoid other people, this time I actually started to smile and enjoy it when they passed by and we shared a courteous nod and a smile. What a difference! I tried to get to the most quiet place I'd found last time, a bird watching hut. Last time I sat there for a long time, not a person or a sound nearby. Just a lake, some birds and the wind. So peaceful. This time, though, there were some teenagers (shouldn't they have been in school or something?) who'd hid in an alcove of the hut. It's shaped like a roughly hewn 'C'. Normally it would annoy me, I'd give them a stern look or a talking to, but I remembered what it was to be young. And because I was so clearly more energetic than last time, I chose to move and explore the park a bit more. It's HUGE place and I haven't even seen 1/3 of the place, it turns out. I reached a part filled with gigantic, thing, plant-covered trees. It looked like a forest was made out of a few titanic fingers breaching the surface. I walked around in amazement and basked in the silence. It was a very windy day and all of a sudden, one of the green giants broke in half, right in front of me. A tree of about 30m, was suddenly reduced to its half. The upper half breaking off with a loud crack, and falling down to create some form of adventure-like bridge across a nearby moat. I'd never seen a tree crack and fall. My mouth was agape. Today was going to be a good day. I'm so happy I try to frequent the park way more. It's totally worth it. It energizes me and helps me reflect. It's cold and windy nowadays, but I'd love to bring a book there someday and just read for hours. I never thought that I could be this person.
 
Detoxing is 12 days underway. I spent some time in Lithuania and the park is helping a lot. I'm also a bit more honest with myself. I try to steer away from pornographic stuff, though it's clear it still has an incredibly solid grasp on me. I use a combination of porn blockers and ad blockers on my phone and laptop. But obviously in today's society, you can't fully escape madness like that. I try to keep away from games too, but sometimes it's hard to stay strong. Today I bumped into a website that had a collection of old nostalgic stuff. Games I grew up with. I had to browse it a bit. I admit I was curious and I'm a bit sad that I can't indulge. But we all know it would get out of hand very very quickly.
 
Today I'm cooking, making soup and doing paperwork. I don't like the latter part. At all. But I'm doing the right things nowadays. I'm close to officially starting a business and as long as I keep chipping away at the mountain, I'll one day conquer it. I just gotta mind my pacing.
 
My SO talked about suicide again. She even admitted to some tiny bit of auto-mutilation. She'd scratched herself badly. Her anti-depressants are messing with her head too. I suggested a psychiatric institution or a more serious form of help. She'd cancelled her therapist because it's not working out. I understand. She's a psychologist herself and she can see all of the 'tricks' and techniques they're using on her. And finding a good therapist can be hard thing, you need to put in the time and shop around to find a good connection with someone. Even after a conversation with her doctor, the one who prescribed the pills and suggested an intervention of the mobile crisis team (professionals who come to your house to assess you, your household and your support systems), she still claims that she feels like an attention whore and doesn't want any help. Ironically, 5 minutes before that conversation with her, she was sobbing in my lap that she can't take it anymore and everything around her seems to be crumbling. Talking to the doctor was a good step. And I try not to make any decisions for her, she needs to decide for herself that she wants help. Or else it simply wouldn't work... I just hope she sees the light sooner rather than later. I'm not sure if it would come to it, but I'd rather not experience an SO killing herself... 
 
Sometimes I think it should hit me more. The stuff with my SO is pretty heavy stuff. But oddly enough, I'm fine with it. I sing and whistle throughout the day. I'm not hunched over because of the problems she poses. Either I'm in denial and am putting up a few walls to protect myself, or I've figured that I'm doing everything I can to help and I've successfully let go of trying to save her and realized she has to save herself. Let's hope it's the latter.
 

Recent highlight: Seeing a tree break halfway through due to the storm winds and seeing, hearing and feeling it fall to the ground.

Budget status: 

My one goal for the next 24h: Make soup, food, pick up my coffee beans and get some work done.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just did it.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - The bottle thing is helping me out. Thank god for oral fixations.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't done it yet, but I'm sure I will when I go out later today.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had G&Ts last night with the SO.

-Meditation - The park hit the spot. Actually sitting down and meditating really feels like an effort now. It's easier to just drive to the park... I'll monitor if I actually need to meditate if I keep up the shinrin-yoku.

-Exercise once this week - My legs are a bit sore from yesterday, but not too bad. I'm not sure if I'll go to Krav Maga tonight. I'll decide last minute probably.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

whereas normally I try to avoid other people, this time I actually started to smile and enjoy it when they passed by and we shared a courteous nod and a smile. What a difference

I also often have this problem. I can really relate. What was the difference this time? Because I way to often struggle with that. Especially before lectures, I even avoid looking those people in the eye, I actually know.

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Alexanderle, I get embarassed of people I have to deal with sometimes. Tracing your feelings can help identify problem areas.

This is me:

  If I am totally disappointed by something, like to the point I dont care about anything at all anymore- I can walk into one of those places and connect with a woman seller. Even make a compliment that touches her! My rapport is excellent and my mind isn’t wondering any more. I am on her wave length now.

 I think this has to do with being attached to myself a lot. I cannot really let go and keep thinking I have to guard my inner personality.

Then there are all these inner insecurities which don’t bother other people at all. I am worried that I am a foreigner not to be liked, dont fit their income class, my ideas are vastly different to theirs. So what if I am different, aren’t we all different?

Edited by Amphibian220

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22 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

What was the difference this time?

Well, I'm not sure. I view the park as my own personal resort sometimes. Like I have to feel there to find peace and quiet and that's an intimate thing. I don't want any other people there, I go there to be as alone as possible. It's a public place, so I can't really shoo them away of course XD I think last time I didn't want anybody nearby, not even random people passing by and ignoring me. I didn't even want to hear the sound of footsteps. I only want nature. I think seeing people there reminds me of the world outside. I turn off my phone for a reason. Park time is quiet time. And seeing others reminds me that there's stress and problems waiting for me to return. 

But this time was different. I was happier, more resilient. I had more energy and felt more alive. I understood that lots of people might go there to enjoy the quiet and nature and that even more and more people should try it. It's a healthy habit and if they all respect the place and don't litter or anything, why couldn't we all enjoy the same space? On top of that, I have this habit. I like making people laugh or smile. More often than not, I'll smile at random people, just to make them smile too. It's my own cooky little way of making the world a tiny bit better that day. Science has proven that smiles are infectious and that we'll respond in kind of somebody smiles at us. There was just something about random people nodding at me me and smiling without saying a word. Like they had been coming there for ages and were welcoming a new denizen of their world.

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Detox day 13. " Procrastination."
 
I had a productive day yesterday. I meal prepped and made soup, cleaned the kitchen, went to get my packet from the delivery store, did some mails, ... I did things! I really did! I also watched series and procrastinated... I still have quite a few things to do, but nothing deadly. I have time to do it in the next two days. I just hate doing it. I have to make the schedules for my actors and it's such a hassle. I'm also responsible for improving the system that we use to make those schedules. It's horrible. I suck at this. I hate doing it. It's only a few hours work if I focus, but I keep putting it off. So yesterday was an amalgam of stress because of it. I kept looking for ways to cope. Whereas I would game or watch porn to feed my brain the happy-chemicals, now I was starving. I ended up drinking. Alcohol, my final crutch. 
 
I shouldn't be too hard on myself, though. I'm dealing with a lot. I'm smart enough now to realize that taking away alcohol would only make things harder. And I also have seen that the reason why I drink is because the workload doesn't fit my skills and I feel a bit trapped by it. So I'm thinking of quitting. When the business starts up, I'll have LOTS of shit to do and 1,5 years of financial guaranteed safety. The company might stop later this year anyways. I'll play this by ear, though. I'm no fool. I am just happy that I noticed it's stressing me out because I suck at it. It's not a reason to quit though. But changing your path from freelance employee to entrepreneur is. I'll try to tackle it today, though.

Recent highlight: Getting a message back from the company that's willing to hire me as a pro Dungeon Master.

Budget status: Money is a funny thing. When you don't have it, you fret over not having enough. And when you have enough, you find something else to worry about. I guess the lesson here is that I should be appreciative for being able to pay the bills and no longer have to worry about living month to month.

My one goal for the next 24h: Figure out what on my to-do-list freaks me out the most, tackle it and find a fun reward for myself for doing it.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - We're good.

-Drink enough water - I just missed my mark yesterday, but I feel like drinking more than a liter per day vs barely a glass a day is a major improvement!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll probably do it later today when I'm taking a break.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had a G&T and a Rum&Coke yesterday due to stress and procrastination. Better this than relapsing, I guess?

-Meditation - I wonder how long it'll take before I start craving the park again. The weather outside is horrible and my to do list is huge, so no park today. But maybe soon?

-Exercise once this week - I skipped Krav Maga yesterday. I'm still feeling a bit ambivalent about it. The park stuff is really helping me out and I'm kind of over Krav Maga, I notice. I'd like to maybe try boxing? Or something similar? But right now I don't have the time and minding my weight with my fancy new scale has made me lose some weight and right now I'm making sure I keep where I'm at so that I don't fuck up the sizes that were taken for my tailored suit.

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Detox day 14. " Battle."
 
Two weeks. Phew. Djeezes. This feels like the hardest attempt to reach the 90 days yet. I guess somehow that means I'm doing something different. Hopefully the right thing.
I've been having headaches for a while now. I wake up with them and endure the day with them. I'm not sure if it's all of the screens, the dehydration or stress. They're not that bad. Like a 1 on a pain scale. It's just a minor thing. But I feel like ignoring it would be a mistake. I haven't seen any porn in a while and I remember when seeing it or playing games, my headache would majorly increase. So maybe it's a chemical thing and I'm going through withdrawal or something?
 
I had a major battle yesterday. And even though I know that I won, I still feel like I lost. Even today feels like some kind of hangover, as if I did something horrible yesterday.
I was stuck in the house all day. I had been procrastinating and stressing about that a lot, and was finally tackling what needed to be done: administration. I took the better part of the day biting through the procrastinating and doing the mature thing and finishing the workload. It took a lot of energy out of me, though. I decided to put a reward at the end of the task: watch a movie and have a celebratory drink. A spot of me-time. 
 
My girl came home, we chatted about how our day was and I noticed I started getting anxious. I wanted to do something. I had been cooped up in the house all day and I had skipped Krav Maga yesterday. I was getting a bit cage-ragey. There was no improv class to attend and it was getting a bit late to do other activities. I thought of going to the park again, my newfound sanctuary, but there was a crazy storm outside. I could go to the local comic and board games store but that too was outside, through the storm and I didn't want to run the risk of just ending up sitting there. I usually meet up with friends so I was a tad nervous. I didn't want to play a game with my SO because I wanted to go out and stretch my legs. I was losing my mind. For lots of stuff, the storm had just gotten in the way. I could feel the urges creep up on me again. Games would help...
 
I suggested going to the VR-place again. And that then launched a talk about if it's healthy for me or not. I can be very persuasive and manipulative, towards others but also towards myself. My last relapse was because I convinced myself that everything was okay, when it wasn't. So I was on guard against myself. A thousand thought and opinions were blasting through my mind. What should I do, whom should I contact, where should I go? ... In the end, I ordered fast food again, drank a few beers and watched a movie. I figured that it was better to spend money on delivered food then on the VR-stuff. It's a risk that I shouldn't toy with, especially if I'd go at it alone. I just don't trust myself with it.
 
I know that I won. I had mad urges and cravings. I was physically and mentally going from hyper to angry to disgusted to sad and back. I made the right call. I didn't give in to VR-stuff. I was browsing social media to distract myself and clicked it all away as soon as the first ads for games popped up. I couldn't deal with them right now. I couldn't go out for a walk or to the park or to the comic store. Doing jumping jacks or squats or reading just didn't hit the spot. It was like my mind felt itchy. After a while, I was just tired from the storm raging inside of me. My shoulders slumped and I watched a few trailers for movies or great anime and after the greasy load of fries and beer and a great movie (1917, holy shit what a masterpiece), I read my book and fell asleep.
 
I know that I won. I beat the urges and even though I didn't really make what I would call a healthy choice, at least from my point of view I chose the lesser of two evils. But then why does it feel like I lost? Is it because stuff like this rubs my nose into how addicted I really am or was? Is it because my SO saw my struggle and it made me feel so naked (she responded with so much compassion and patience, omfgwtf, best girl ever)? I don't know... Maybe it's just chemicals, withdrawal and such...
 

Recent highlight: Getting an appointment next Monday to start the business-starting-stuff. FINALLY. It's called Starterslab.

Budget status: Well, just one more day to finish off the month. If I calculate things properly, I'll be able to save around 1000 each month. Probably less and I'll have to mind my spending. But this is going to be a great financial year. I finally understand how people are able to take a holiday each year and visit cool cities 😮 

My one goal for the next 24h: Finish the paperwork for the Starterslab stuff.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done too.

-Drink enough water - I'm pretty sure I made the goal yesterday and the bottle thing is really helping me.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I often do it before I go out. I just need to pop into the store later today to get some coffee filters, but at least it's an excuse to get out of the house. So that means shower and grooming ^^ 

-No daydrinking at home alone - Whiskey,  and two beers. Something it scares me how much of a drinker I am. But I also understand that it's sort of my final crutch. We all need a release. Like chocolate, fast food, alcohol or sugar. It's not healthy, I know. But it's better to cope with this than games or porn.

-Meditation - I might visit the park again tomorrow. It's snowing and I'd love to hear the creak of fresh snow under my boots, see my breath and hear the birds chirp.

-Exercise once this week - There's Krav Maga tonight. But I'm still not sure if I should go. I'm just not feeling it. I feel so unmotivated.

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Congrats on battling through, you definitely made the right choice. Maybe your brain is just angry you didn't give in to that juicy gaming urge, and is making you feel bad for it. Who knows. Regardless, it's out the way and now you're ready to push through whatever tomorrow brings.

I've noticed a similar thing too, as far as drinking is concerned. I quit gaming, I start browsing internet. I cut that out, I spend every other night at the bar. Stop drinking and I turn to porn. It's vicious, and so I convinced myself that gaming was the best option. Which is obviously wrong. Now I'm trying to learn to enjoy things more, not put too much pressure on myself. One drink here and there is fine. 30 minutes of social media a day is fine. Gaming is still not fine. But I've just started my 90-day detox today, so we'll see how that goes.

Keep it up! Rooting for you 🙂

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