Jump to content
Phoenixking

Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

Recommended Posts

Good job getting a grasp of your tasks and moving forward. My two suggestions would be to play it safe with Krav Maga and research ways to help you recover and heal after sessions so you don't injure yourself like last time. That was a big blow to you before so I want to make sure you are staying healthy after each class to keep it going. I also would like to see you change the way you word your task list. When you say "I need" it puts a lot of excess stress on making these tasks imperative or else all is lost. That's a lot of stress you don't need and once you adopt that mindset it can lead you to always say "I need to get this done" for any task. Lots of anxiety right there. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Good job getting a grasp of your tasks and moving forward. My two suggestions would be to play it safe with Krav Maga and research ways to help you recover and heal after sessions so you don't injure yourself like last time. That was a big blow to you before so I want to make sure you are staying healthy after each class to keep it going. I also would like to see you change the way you word your task list. When you say "I need" it puts a lot of excess stress on making these tasks imperative or else all is lost. That's a lot of stress you don't need and once you adopt that mindset it can lead you to always say "I need to get this done" for any task. Lots of anxiety right there. 

Holy shit. Double slam dunk there! I should indeed pay mind to making sure I don't get hurt. I'll make a solid try to re-word some of the things in the list.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 3. "The emptied room."

We went away for a day or two. She's about to move in with me. We have a joint account, we pay for stuff together, we posted about it online and there's half an army of friends and family helping out with moving her stuff to my place. Excuse me, our place. I stood in one of the emptied rooms today, we cleared it out to be able to stack the boxes we'll be unpacked for a few days, and suddenly it dawned on me: this is really happening. We've been an item for a year now and we couldn't be happier. I can be naked and vulnerable and show all of my ugliest sides and she'd never run. I'm so happy she's here. 

We went snowboarding on the first day, checked into the hotel later that day and I had called ahead and made sure there was some bubbly and some rose petals. She was so surprised! The two days were meant as a celebration of our first year together. But also to take some pressure off of everything. We'd been stressed to the max and we'd already splurged on some thing last weekend as a way to ease some of the tension. But combining Krav Maga and snowboarding and just general tomfoolery was great. We had great food, free drinks and lots of fun.  

Tomorrow and the day after might feel very chaotic. We've prepped for everything rather properly though. But at the end of the story, the appartment will be filled with boxes, stuff will be everywhere and it's going to take a while to actually get the new furniture where we want them to and to unpack the boxes. So our home will be a bit of a mess for a while and that can be a bit of a trigger for me.

 

What's left to do?

-I am almost done with cleaning out my regular inbox, the other one still requires some attention.

-The important documents lying around are the next thing on the list. Bills and stuff. But important nevertheless.

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts.

-I bought some stuff online and my weight scale gave an error. I sent them a message asking why the payment didn't go through. I really want to make sure I get that scale.

-I got a new computer! There's still some programs missing, like an antivirus and other stuff.

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I've sold the washing machine and the sofa. All that's left is my table, but for now we'll probably just put it to the side since we can dismount the table legs and pack it up. This has become less of a priority.

 

Recent highlight: I usually can't keep my mouth shut about surprises because I'm so enthousiastic about them. But this time, I got her! She went into the hotel room with a blank face and was almost crying tears of joy. She told me nobody had ever done such a thing for her. Rose petals, balloons, romantic lights, Prosecco, ... It felt great to surprise her like that.

Budget status: I still need to get paid for the Burger King ad. But it should come next week. The past two days we've used the joint account for the first time to pay things and honestly, it went rather smoothly. It's going to be great being able to pay twice as much stuff without having to worry. One of these days, when there's time, I'd like to make a new budget file or continue the old one when I succeed in finally picking up my old PC.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do best tomorrow on moving day ? 

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - If I'm to believe the app, I'm on a 11-day streak now.

-Make the bed - Didn't have to make the hotel bed ? 

-Drink enough water - Despite having packed lots of water, I've been dehydrated a bit for the past two days because of cocktails and coffee. If I spend days at home, I'm usually fine because there's always a water bottle nearby. But whenever I'm on the road or doing something besides working from home, I lose this streak in an instant.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Even did it at the hotel. But my current dental floss is crap. But I haven't been able to go out and get some new stuff.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I feel like I can't remember the last time I did this. I'm glad I took this new habit on.

-Meditation - It seems that it's hard for me to get this one into my patterns. But slow and steady wins the race, I guess. I wanted to do it today, but I'm just sooo tired. I'll fall asleep in a heartbeat later. The past two days have been imperative for relieving some stress, Krav Maga too. I was actually looking forward to trying to meditate today. But I'm afraid I'll just doze off ? 

-Exercise once this week - I had Krav Maga, then yesterday there was about 4 hours of snowboarding and today we walked around town a lot. My feet and legs hurt a little ? Also tomorrow is moving day so I feel like this week is right on track in terms of exercise. I just wish I had those cool weight scales already. I wonder if I lost any weight this week because of all of the activity.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/7/2019 at 12:00 AM, ismailkanaan said:

@Phoenixking WOW u are an old timer here .

I am so happy to see people like you who never give up . life is not ez to change its routine but we can change our routine at least .

my advice for you now is to skip any things related to games or porn , even your best friends who just think about sex or games you should quit them nicely and try not to be in the places that they visit .

i recommend you to marry as soon as possible and then whenever u think about porn  u can do sex with your wife , sex with wife is much better than with ex . u will not regret that believe me .

anyway try to not look at any sexual scene especially womens who do not wear enough clothes or womens who try just to make their breast looks bigger or anything that increase your lust to fuck or watch porn , it is hard but achievable .

GOD bless you

God bless this community

PEACE .

 

Some of these comments kind of rub me the wrong way, but I'm sure you mean well, so thank you ? 

It's true. It's not easy. But the better part of what I've built relies on breeding good habits and trying to weed them out.

I've cut  out those people a while ago, thankfully. It's still a bit of a sore spot. They're not bad people, though. Just misguided. I had to do it to protect myself. I still have some friends who indulge, but they all know that I don't and they respect that. I don't even get invited to gaming sessions or lanparties. They just know that the invitation in itself could be a trigger. I'm pretty lucky to have friends like that. They do whatever they want with their time and so do I, but we remain very respectful towards each others' choices.

I strongly feel like marrying would not solve anything. In essence, it doesn't seem to change anything in your relationship dynamic. It's handy for taxes and it's some kind of mental barricade for the future so you don't break up easily. But I'm neither going to marry soon, nor do it to solve any porn issues. I'm fairly confident that sex with your wife is the same sex as you'd have with a girlfriend. And regarding my ex, the sex was just different. Not worse or better, just different. I could just as easily settle for sex with her for the rest of my life, in theory. But her personality was a huge mess ? My current partner is waaaay more emotionally mature and able to handle my most difficult days and still care for me. 

I've put lots of blockers in place and I agree that the tiniest things could be triggers. There's ads, movies, spicy scenes, anime, hell, even just random people on Instragram. There's sex and sexual implications éverywhere. Extremely hard to dodge. But just exactly because it's so hard to dodge, I try to put my energy into dealing with them in a healthy way. I feel like I have a healthy physical relationship and I don't really think porn messes that up right now. There's still some stuff to clean out of my head though. But I think it's more valuable to pour energy not into dodging the almost ubiquitous but into dealing with it all in a way that makes me able to just manage.

I appreciate your spiritual wishes. It might be a bit small-minded of me, but I'm not religious. I've always had strong feelings about that. I acknowledge that there's a certain support or use to it. But the whole opium for the masses thing scares me. Religious people freak me out. Blind faith is dangerous. I prefer science, proof and the idea that I'm fully capable of making (or breaking for that matter) my own fate. There's too many unanswerable questions and variations. I've looked at the different types of religion in detail and only buddhism appeals to me and it's not even organized like a true faith would be, it's just a collection of philosophies. I don't like handing over the idea of control over my fate to something incorporeal. I even strongly believe that something like being lucky is a skill. I've always tried to approach life as if I'm the sole one responsible for everything going on with me and around me and should always try to improve that. I don't need a Bible, Torah or Koran to learn and realize I shouldn't be a dick to people. I don't need to sacrifice all of my worldly possessions to find true happiness and I don't have to abstain from alcohol, certain types of food to be allowed to be a part of a certain community. I like being exactly who I am and the only one who can judge my choices is me. Nevertheless, thank you for your kind words.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Phoenixking Wonderful post. I'm not sure if I would be able to compose a better answer than you did, had the questions been handed to me. I'm still gonna drop my thoughts on marriage, sex and religion/philosophy.

I think today it's hard to justify being married and not having kids (on the way) at the same time. As it is, it really is the "paper for official breakup" (the two likely hate each other at the point of no return), perhaps a bit more financially convenient (though some countries have good benefits for "fake" single moms). I think the only legal certainty of marriage therefore lies in that the child has to be taken care of by parents. At least that is how the situation seems to me in central Europe.

I don't think marriage is bad or good. I think it's a tool, that unfortunately gets misused my most people. I believe they use it as a gun barrel pointed to their head, loaded with social stigma, so they rather stay in a bad relationship than to divorce. After all, I believe if that wasn't true, I think this forum would not have to exist, because our childhoods would be perfect and we all, with the help of our parents, would squash our gaming addictions in their infancy. I think @BooksandTrees made a similar remark at some point regarding family.

I want to get married some day. But I'd rather use marriage as one of the many reasons, rather than THE reason to stay with my wife and solve our problems together.

Sex is great. I want it, because I didn't have it for several months and there's nothing like it. But it really creates such emotional connection between the two that it blinds them to virtually anything else. I think if it doesn't affect them emotionally and doesn't glue them together (for some time anyway), then there's something wrong with the person. It's a point of no return and if you think about it, it is exactly that for any other animal but human, because we invented contraceptive methods. So while I want it, I know I have to wait for the right time and the right woman.

I considered becoming religious after quitting games (because "coming clean" for the first week felt like a religious experience), but the more time passed by, the more I thought I can set up better rules for myself, rather than to use some particular book as the main source of them. I think as long as I am conscious of "what I sow is what I reap" (which is on the same level as is the believer being aware of his sin on his way to vestry - he sowed poorly and reaped badly), I'm good to go.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage won’t make your relationship or life better. It does provide some protection for the partner that earns less money, regardless of gender. 
 
Spiritually and believing in a higher power has helped me have more joy, peace and stillness in my life. But it should not be imposed on anyone. I find the teachings of Buddhism to be lovely. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, ismailkanaan said:

@Phoenixking

for me i was born in a muslim family but now i lost it , after that some atheist ideas come to my mind which forced me to search personally ,now I am a much better believer than before ,

all people folllow their parents untill 18 y/o then they choose their path .

u saying that means that the new global system has leaned you successfully to it's way .

in short , isis , taliban and all the other groups are considered as terrorists by all people even Muslims them selves .

the number of all these groups together cant reach 0,0006% of the whole Muslims . but social media using that wrong way ! 

man every country has it's mafia , criminals , even the US has many of those , but we do not say that american are terrorist just because 0,01% (for example) are doing crimes .

lastly , well there are around 2 billion Muslims , if all of them are dangerous then how the other 4 billions live ? 

that is normal because u are using specific sources  , anyway if u have questions then u can go to a mosque near you and ask , do that nicely and u will find answers .

in Islam we say that u can choose your fate if u worked good . 

 

u believe that luck can be a skill , that is a good point .

even at the school no 1 can judge him self , we always seek the help from professionals who judge us .

all what u have to do is trying your best .

i agree with you , that does not conflict with my religion Islam .

 

that is called (Common human nature) we all born as good people who  distinguish good from evil .

 

okay

 

okay .

as mentioned before u can seek help from the next mosque of you and u will find some answers , just follow your (Common human nature) , ask and answre , hear and talk .

God bless you and guide you .

GOd bless this community

PEACE

I don't really think that you are getting the point here, bud.

Not all people do what their parents tell them to, not all of them stop doing it at 18 and 18 is a random age at best. I started making my own choices ages before that. I feel like you generalize rather quickly. Sadly something that solidifies my prejudice towards religious people. 

What is the new global system? Who are they? Or what is it? What do they do or want? And I said religious people or blind faith freaks me out. Not muslims specifically. I have met creepy Christians, Evangelistic particle physicists, ... I am not saying I do not like your religion or you. I am saying that all blind faith is bad, no matter what imaginary entity, god or prophet wrote the book. 

It's a bit presumptuous to assume I look at your religion and see all those bad things. You don't know me, what I think or feel. Assuming you do, is falling into the same trap that those people who make snap decisions about you. Can you see the irony? I feel like you have a couple of itchy trigger fingers when it comes to this. But I can understand that. Hell, I am a white cis-male. In terms of privilege I have nothing to complain about. I can imagine it can be extremely hard for any outspoken Muslim nowadays. And I certainly agree with that the media tends to tell the story in a certain way.

But none of that was at all what I was talking about. You kind of dragged it into the conversation. Why? I mean, you don't have to be a Muslim to find the Islam poetry moving. It you don't have to be a Catholic to be able to listen to a sermon. It's not all black and white.

Why do you think I would find answers at a mosque? Or any building of faith for that matter? There are simply just questions without answers. Not only is that okay and just one of life's things. It is a scary and arrogant thing to claim that beyond all contradictions, there ís a place with those answers. No, there most likely is not. Because there are thousands of those. All of them want your time, your money, your voice or your mind to control. That is why I do not like blind faith religious people. They like to think they have it all figured out, as if they are some kind of untouchable. But nobody can have a monopoly on what is true because the meaning of life is whatever you choose it to be. And if it isn't, well then none of this matters anyway XD 

Who told you we need others to judge ourselves? And what the hell does a professional who does that even look like? At school we get grades, sure. But that is not judgement. How well you can remember historic dates or reproduce mathematical concepts or avoid bad spelling has nothing to do with your moral compass or your self-esteem. Nobody can judge you but yourself because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, all the time. That is how we learn. You are the only one who can judge yourself because you are the only one who truly knows yourself. We are not telepaths. Others cannot look into our hearts like that. It is an extremely unhealthy lifestyle to try and please others that do judge you. More often than not, those kinds of people are toxic. The type that would get pleasure out of others misery. I don't judge others or at least try not to. It is wrong. But I still do it obviously. To err means I am human.

And what do you mean by solely noting that that one viewpoint of mine does not conflict with your religion? What if it did? Would you look at my choices differently? Would I become more inferior? Is that not judging me then and therefore a tad hypocritical? Or are you agreeing? Because I would rather you then say that what you believe coincides with what I believe to be important. Harshly put, I do not care about what your religion thinks is important, I care about what you yourself think. Not what some system of faith had told you what is right or wrong, but what you learned yourself from simply living life. I can get the former from a book around the corner. The latter cannot be measured in value.

Please tell me that you don't believe we are all born good. What about sociopaths and psychopaths? They are differently wired in their brain than you or I. And they only do what they think is right, even if it is killing or worse, in their view nothing is wrong. So either they are aliens from another planet or it means that a moral compass is malleable and relative to the person using it. There is no 1 big truth out ther. And what about somebody born with a defect in their brain? Some kind of aggression disorder. They instantly start fighting from the moment they can breathe. Are those born good in your definition then? Can you see the holes in the concept your trying to uphold?

Why would I have to visit a mosque? There is nothing wrong with asking these things. And why specifically a mosque for that matter? Why not a church, synagogue or temple? I tend to steer clear of deeply religious people because of how blind they are. They never have any concrete answers but yet remain evangelical about how amazing they all feel it is. You know what organizations use a similar indoctrination tactic? Cults. I have always felt talking with deeply religious people feels similar to conversing with cult members.

It's like that story from Indian lore about the frog and the well. A farmer gets a bucket of water from his well and sees a frog swimming in the water below. He catches him using the bucket and sets it free. The frog asks the man who he is. The man replies his name is Jack and that this is his farm. The frog is amazed and asks if that is what he calls this awestriking world, 'farm'. "No, no. This is not another world. You were just in the well on my farm." The frog cannot fathom it and holds tightly to what he thinks is true. "No! This is another world! I have swam to the corners. I have been North, South, East and West. I have never seen anything like this ever in my world, so this must be a different world."

And for the love of all we hold dear, use a spell checker or something when you talk to people online. You can clearly use upper case letters when you type out "PEACE" every single time. It would not hurt you to use proper punctuation if you don't want to come across like some kind of raving madman. Using religious exclamations at the end of each post does not give you some kind of hall pass to not have to use proper language. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 8. "Fucking Herpes."

The move went over rather quickly. Half a dozen friends showed up and we spent waaaay less time than we expected. We had pizza and played boardgames with friends afterwards.

Her parents dropped by the next day. I was tired, though. Grumpy mainly. Moving is stressful and people just sometimes have shitty days. I also started reading this book called 'The Flicker Men' and it mindfucked me in the middle of the night. So I didn't get a lot of sleep. If you like science or quantum mechanics, look it up, a great read. It's about how the double slit experiment is a mindfuck because it proves that a human just looking at a thing, changes the essence of the thing. It made me wonder about all the stuff we don't understand yet, so I didn't get a lot of sleep because of the excitement.

The reason I bring it up is because I'm happy with how I handled it. I moaned and grumbled, sure. And I did not want to be a dick or anything. But I also felt okay with being in a crappy mood. I'm human. I'm not supposed to be cheerful and smiling all the time. I'm entitled to be cranky if the situation is tough. I removed myself from the situation when her parents arrived, I didn't want to be an ass to them. Later on we all had coffee and I'd recovered. So no harm, no foul. I feel like I handled it maturely. I was pleasant and polite and just went somewhere else to do some Japanese exercises and took some me-time. It's funny how afterwards her parents expressed their concern to my girlfriend, asking about me and if they themselves were the reason I seemed a bit off ? I thought it was so funny that they immediately took it upon themselves. I do see a similar pattern in my partner. She's always the first to assume something is her fault.

I had a screenfighting course on Sunday and on Monday my Burgerking Commercial dropped and I saw the first results of my hearplay. Yesterday I saw my old colleague and in the mean while I got 2 herpes outbreaks and my girlfriend collapsed in tears.

So the screenfighting was intense. I was clearly boxing above my weight. But I did it all anyway. I was surrounded by professional stuntmen, all built like linebackers. Insane. But I tried holding my own and got some respect. To be fair, I did use my humor and lots of jokes to cover up some insecurities. But I never backed down an inch from them.  Krav Maga taught me that. I knew that I sucked and was the weakest student there. But they all started from scratch at some point. So I just tried focussing on working hard. There were two guys just hanging out in the gym, something cracking up and laughing at me. I can take a punch and I knew that they were better. I didn't do anything. But I felt strong and confident. It didn't get to me. I used to get bullied a lot but now it seems I have the confidence to walk up to those people and explain that what they are doing is not very nice. I got to know them a bit better in the end and they were okay, so they didn't mean bad. If they did, I probably would have spoken up. I'm proud of that. I was not that person years ago. Now I am. I got good material of me fighting for my reel, an audition tape for a stunt company called the Inhumans Agency and generally a lot of fun. Major pains the next day though. Holy shit. Scissor kicks are hard!

The Burger King ad is hilarious. I'm so happy and proud. Already I've been made into a GIF and it's spread like a wildfire. A great thing to add to my reel and a pretty big brand to be able to work for. Very happy and proud of this!

I listened to the first true results of my hearplay. Shit. It sounds good. Really good. It started out as a passion project for a local radio. But maybe if I can find some sponsoring somewhere, we could really maybe launch this thing... We're pitching it to the local station this Sunday. If they approve, we make 9 more episodes. But at the current rate, that'd take over a year. But with funding, it's cutting it down to maybe 6 months? If I work really hard on the screenplays, we could make it so that we could air it next September in 2020 or something? I might even have the gumption to find some professional producers or radio stations to broadcast it. Or maybe I should just keep it real and release it as a podcast for free. I don't know. First let's finish it, then let's monetize it.

Yesterday I saw my old colleague again. We had brunch. She'd broken up with her violent boyfriend who actually finally tried to kill her. FINALLY she got a wake up call and left his sorry ass. I was so happy to see her doing fine. It was also a way for me to finally say out loud what I thought of the culture of the company we used to work at. A load of bollocks is what they all are. It felt liberating to speak my mind.

And finally, the herpes and my partner. It's been a busy couple of days and the amazing book keeps me up at night, so I just think that's how I got it. I normally drink way more water so my lips are a bit drier. I'm not sure if I got them first or my girl gave them to me. What matter is that they seem to go away in a few days instead of a few weeks. That means my general health has gotten a major upgrade! My partner however seems to be rushing towards a free fall... I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

She's horribly insecure about herself, her worth, her results at work. She's convinced she's not liked by anybody at work and she feels so alone and trapped. She keeps working during her vacations and during the weekends and all of that is unpaid. She maintains that that is just the norm and everybody does that at her job. At every point I try to make it clear to her that this is how people get burnouts and depressions. She needs to take care of herself way better and maybe make it clear to her boss and coworkers they can't push her around like that. She does soooo much unpaid work. It irks me. It's also a bit hypocritical to talk about when she works when she should be relaxing because I'm kind of the same. I'm always on. I have projects to do, shit to create, a business to make. But I feel like I can handle it somehow, like this journal keeps me grounded and aware of sand pits and obstacles coming up ahead or difficulties in my own head. She's been seeing a career coach and she herself is a trained psychologist with a Master's degree. Her whole company, ironically, works to make sure there's as few burnouts as possible in our country.

I try to most often listen and support her. But I feel like that's all I can do. Be a shoulder to cry on. Cook food, do the household, listen to her. I don't get the idea she's eager to take action or take up my advice. I think she might just have to hit the wall at full speed to learn the lesson. It's hard for me to let go, I don't want to keep watching her struggle like this. The odd thing is that she'd kind of aware of it. She judges herself for being such a loser, a pushover and insecure over the slightest things. I feel like she missed a bit of self-love and care. She's angry at herself for not doing anything about it. I'm not really sure how to respond to that other than with a kind listening ear. Obviously she should stick up for herself or find another job. But she claims to just simply not have the energy or willpower for it. I'm not sure whether I should drag her to a therapist myself or just leave all of it alone and let her make her own mistakes. Because shit like this can drag on for a while. I'm starting my own business here, we have a joint account now. I'm locked in and willing to go all in with her. But if she crashes and burns, I'm afraid what the effect will be on our relationship or on my own mental stability. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, though, I know. But still, I think it's healthy to keep the future in mind.

 

What's left to do?

-I am almost done with cleaning out my regular inbox, the other one still requires some attention.

-The important documents lying around are the next thing on the list. Bills and stuff. But important nevertheless.

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts.

-I got a new computer! There's still some programs missing, like an antivirus and other stuff.

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I've sold the washing machine and the sofa. All that's left is my table, but for now we'll probably just put it to the side since we can dismount the table legs and pack it up. This has become less of a priority.

 

Recent highlight: I'm so proud of the Burger King ad. And discovering my new book. I also ordered 3 more online. Over the course of a few months, I've suddenly become an avid reader!

Budget status: It's a bit vague... I should get unemployment money, but it's not clear when and it's not even clear when that starting date is even going to be decided... I hate waiting... Thank god I freelance and hustle to get some scratch here and there.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have a whole day of working from home. I just want to get my emails done, I think.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Still going strong.

-Make the bed - I'm working from the bedroom for now,  so it's not made. But I'll be sure to do it in a sec.

-Drink enough water - It's been a busy few days and it seems I've never had more than 6 days in a row of hitting my target. I've now lowered it but it' s becoming clear I should really start drinking way more water!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - All okay here. But I did skip it yesterday, I was so tired after a big emotional talk with my girl that I wanted my bed bad. But then I spent another hour reading my book instead of 2 minutes of brushing...

-No daydrinking at home alone - This is actually going swimmingly! I might have actually lost some weight because of this.

-Meditation - It seems that it's hard for me to get this one into my patterns. But slow and steady wins the race, I guess. I put it on the menu for today.

-Exercise once this week - There was the screenfighting, the move, and I'm hoping for some Krav Maga tomorrow. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 9. "Relaxed & Productive."

I"ve been busy at the beginning of the week and I'm trying to not stress and fret about my huge list of stuff I have to try and get done. I just pour regular amounts of energy into it and try not to overheat my systems and fry my brain too much. I did a lot at the beginning of this week so today and tomorrow are a bit more laid back. Honestly, if you look at the list below and some of my journal entries, I'm a pretty perfectionistic kind of dude. I need to take a chill pill, like daily. I put a lot of pressure on myself. But it's something in what @BooksandTrees recently said to me that kind of triggered something it seems.

Anyway, I've got BORING paperwork to do today, market research for the business I'm starting, pension stuff, ... I've gotten around to getting the right software for my new PC (Thank you Ninite.com!) and I've even found a moment today to meditate and enjoyed some guilt-free Netflixing! I've removed the app that limits my time on Reddit & Netflix even. Can you believe it? As if I trust myself more nowadays to get stuff done but also to relax in time. Yesterday I went to a coffee place to read a book! What a mindfuck. I would normally never do this! To be honest, the book is a huge mindfuck, though. And today I even thought about learning how to code. Obviously I'm probably not going to do that. But I like how my brain would welcome a challenge like that, learning a new skill. Stuff like that makes me happy. I mean, nowadays I know Krav Maga, I know some Japanese and can hold my own in a basic conversation, I can snowboard, ... I've come so far from being the game-addicted shut-in... And because of the Burger King ad, my face is everywhere XD I've even been turned into a GIF! Now there's a life goal achieved!

 

 

What's left to do?

-2 more emails and I'm up to speed with my emails, all of them! There's still one big one left, but it's a HUGE file I need to fill in about starting a business and I have over a month to do it. So I'll just put that a bit more down the list of priorities.

-There's only 1 important document left, the rest have been taken care of. I do miss a desk or working space. The move has turned our place upside down and chaos is the enemy of organization.

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts.

-I got a new computer! There's still some programs missing, like an antivirus and other stuff. But I've almost gotten that taken care of. Just a few tweaks to go now!

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I have an important meeting next month with somebody to see if I could get some government support for my business. But the required application is a monster I need to tackle first.

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I want to try and sell my kitchen table.

 

Recent highlight: My girlfriend expressed her pride in me. The hearplay coming together, the Burger King ad, starting up my own business, exercising again, ...

Budget status: I'm lucky I'm getting paid royally for the ad I did. I have a meeting next week to see about unemployment cheques. That'll probably determine my fate the next few months...

My one goal for the next 24h: Tomorrow night is probably one of the biggest improv gigs of my life. About 500-1000 people attending and we have to entertain them for 1 hour and it's all set in a Harry Potter universe. Fear and adrenaline, here I come!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Still going strong.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - If I work from home, it's not that hard, to be honest. Nailed it yesterday and today. But sometimes this is the first habit to slip away.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning. Healthy and clean!

-No daydrinking at home alone - It's been a while. There's some cold beer in the fridge, gin and other stuff in the cupboards. But I don't really get a craving like that anymore. Usually it's more towards sugar or something else. A treat of some kind or a snack. I guess you can never win 100% in terms of health or cravings, huh? ? 

-Meditation - Meditated today. But I almost fell asleep. I guess that's why I should sit up straight instead of lie down.

-Exercise once this week - My legs are still a tiny bit sore. But there's Krav Maga tonight and I'm sure I'll come back home from that with a smile! Speaking of which, I better go get my bag ready!

Edited by Phoenixking
Screwed up the day count
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Triggered in a good way or bad way lol

Hahaha! XD In a good way. I know it's a small thing, that what you said about how I verbalized my to do list. But I think somehow it seeped into my brain and I've been cutting myself some more slack.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 10. "Schrödinger's illness."

I woke up today with a stomachache. And a bit of a headache. Pretty sure there's some virus or bacteria or something crawling around in me. I have important stuff to do though. I'm not sure if I should take it super easy today and conserve my energy for the big gig tonight, or if I should push myself extra hard and try to let the adrenaline take over and thus postpone the illness with a few days... I mean, I'm not really sick until it really hits me, right? I have the biggest improv gig of the entire year in a few hours. Tomorrow I have an improv class to teach and a sports event to host and speak at. The day after is when we release the hearplay (IT SOUNDS SO COOL HOLY SHIT I AM SO HAPPY AND PROUD) and one day later is when they planned my hearing to see about unemployment cheques. I already had a talk with my union rep, he's called Dennis and he'll be there to back me up like a lawyer would. We already talked things through and because I left my job because of a bore-out and because I was smart and kept records of all visits, copies of all communication and mails, I'll probably get sent to a doctor of theirs to look at the situation. I'm so fucking happy that I kept my paperwork in check. This is where my prepping will help me shine! There's still a big hit-or-miss feeling hanging around it, to be honest. But at least it's some form of progress, right?

I've noticed my libido has gone down. Both I and my girl have a bit of a herpes outbreak on our lips due to stress. Mine healed already. Hers didn't. It's like she's only always working. I don't often see her do anything else but work and lie down and binge Netflix or hug me. The moment she's done working, she's super super clingy, like literally won't let me go. We've had so many talks about how I think she's working too hard... I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. I'm gone a lot. I have 1000 projects and am building a business. I feel like I'm the last person to tell her that she should be home more with me. Partly also because lately whenever she's home with me, I feel like she's some kind of treefrog that just sticks to me. I decided recently to let her make her own mistakes and I fear that might imply standing aside and allowing her to overwork herself, crash and burn and maybe lose her job or her sanity. It's not exactly doing wonders for our sex life. And then there's sports and her bad breath. She's got this genetic thing. Her breath kind of stinks sometimes. She's very sensitive on the subject so whenever it happens, I try to subtly mention it and she takes care of it. Communication, amirite? But it's also stress-linked. So a little bit sometimes, I can handle that. But a lot and often because of her working and elevated stress? That's something else... Same thing goes for her legs, she has a condition that doesn't allow her legs to lose fatty tissue. So whenever she gains weight on her thighs or legs, she can never lose it again. Her upper body is notably more slender than her legs because of this. If she loses weight, it's only her upper body. It's all stuff she can't really change. And I accept who she as because she does the same to me. I just wish she'd crash and burn soon so that she can start looking at different ways to approach her stress. I often feel like I have to skirt around the fact that she's so insecure and so overworked and stressed. I've been expressing my concerns for a while now and I understand that the only thing I can do is express what I think and feel. But if there's no changes, what am I to do? I think I might have to set her down at some point and explain that it's all nagging at me in the corners of my mind. I've already told her that I'm a very patient man and love her very much and wouldn't leave or break up. But I feel like I have to be honest and make some of her fears come true. She's terrified that she's not good enough for me. Obviously she is. But me talking to her about her eating habits and lack of sports, the working, the stress and the breath. I feel like they'll be major triggers for her and will end up pushing her deeper into some kind of self-deprecating spiral. Even if I choose my words carefully and express it all with love, kindness and respect. I have no control over what she'll fret about later. I'm sure she'll blame herself for it all and wallow instead of taking action. But I can't know that for certain, so unless these feelings go away, I'll have to talk to her about it sooner or later...

I have a close friend who is the same as her in terms of insecurity. I feel like I should talk to his partner of 8 years to hear how she deals with that. Same goes for another friend of mine. His girl is going through some shit as well and I wonder how he deals with it all. His girl is going through a depression and that has major influence on a relationship, I feel. I wonder how they cope with that. Maybe I can learn something from this all?

 

What's left to do?

-Mails are done!

-Paperwork is done! YAY!

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts. This'll be the new thing that is most urgent.

-The new computer is all up to speed now. Every program I needed is on here now and it's all set to my liking! YAY!

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I have an important meeting next month with somebody to see if I could get some government support for my business. But the required application is a monster I need to tackle first. I need to set my prices, do research on the market, ...

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I want to try and sell my kitchen table.

 

Recent highlight: Hearing the edited and mastered hearplay. I am confident we can make some scratch with this. I just need to find the right distribution network...

Budget status: I'm sure I'll be fine this month and the next. I found my budgetting file again. I should probably start listing things up again. But I'll most likely do it come January 1st. Lots of things will change then and it'll be easier to manage.

My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the gig in a few hours. And I thought I had a class to give but turns out I don't. So tonight I can party and tomorrow I can sleep in!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - I'm on an 18-day streak. About 15 mins per day!

-Make the bed - All good!

-Drink enough water - It's starting to come back again. When I have Krav Maga, I totes drink enough. Or sometimes I drink lots but forget to put it in the app. I guess that's okay, as long as I reach my results, right? But on the other hand the app does give me structure in maintaining this.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I wonder what the dentist wil say in a few months. I am really keeping this up properly. Never thought I could be a guy like this.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Haven't drank anything at home in a while. Even if there's stuff cold and ready in the fridge. I guess I'm healthier and happier now and don't need to numb myself with that.

-Meditation - Tried meditating this morning, but the belly aches were too distracting. Then I got a call and was on the phone for 30 mins so that kind of broke the mood.

-Exercise once this week - I finally have bruises again! KRAV MAGA! Learned how to defend from somebody trying to kick or stab your. Pretty intense and high level stuff... The bar is rather high, often. That's good because I feel challenged and pushed. But I sometimes prefer that it's all taken down a notch. I don't always have the energy to push myself like that.

Edited by Phoenixking
Screwed up the day count
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Huh, I just noticed you had two Day 8s! I hope your girl manages to come out of her stressed/depressed episode on top, all you can do is to support her by telling her the truth and how you feel.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 11. "Relaxed."

The gig last night was pretty hard. Lots of last minute obstacles. But we managed to at least, fighting against all of the odds, to deliver a mediocre performance. Our host, a friend of ours, was crummy at best. He made it hard for us to shine and did not take and feedback or pleas for help. It pissed all of us off and we'll start looking for a replacement soon. He did a bad job and there was a lot at stake. I don't take shitty attitudes like that well. Out with it. 

The hearplay is done. And after the gig last night I was in the middle of a party all of a sudden. I had a blast! I cut loose and just let out all of the stress while dancing, joking and drinking. Slept like a baby and stayed in bed till like noon or something. I feel so stress free. I know there's lots to be done. But there's time! I'm off to my gig tonight, hosting a sports event. It'll be cold, though. So I'm wearing an extra layer of clothing. It's kind of like a 10k event, only that they run a  lap through the middle of a city. So they pass by all sightseeing things, including literally running through the mayor's office XD I think it's hilarious. It's going to be cold, though!

I had a great convo with my union rep yesterday. Next week is my hearing and he wanted to go over everything. He thinks because of my bore-out they'll send me to a medical professional of theirs to look at my story. Hopefully I'll get some understanding and empathy. You don't get unemployment money for about 2 months if you quit your job yourself. But if I could prove it had medical reasons, that's a whole other story. Well, let's hope for the best. Luckily I kept all of the paperwork, copies of letters and emails. My prepping is paying off.

Also, my crazy list is getting shorter now! YAY!

What's left to do?

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts. This'll be the new thing that is most urgent.

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I have an important meeting next month with somebody to see if I could get some government support for my business. But the required application is a monster I need to tackle first. I need to set my prices, do research on the market, ...

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I want to try and sell my kitchen table.

 

Recent highlight: Making a new character for the DND in 2 weeks. We have a friend trying it out. It's like we have a guest every other session, eager to participate XD

Budget status: Well, I'm not making ALOT of money for now. Just enough. I'm not exactly worried nowadays. But I should stay vigilant.

My one goal for the next 24h: Keep warm and stay energetic during the gig in a few hours. It's going to be cold and I don't want to get sick.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - I'm on an 19-day streak. About 15 mins per day!

-Make the bed - All good!

-Drink enough water - Despite the small hangover, I haven't had any water today yet. I'll try to refresh myself a bit at the event later.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Today was a lazy day so I'll do it now, before I leave for my gig.

-No daydrinking at home alone - It's been a while, actually. In the beginning this was hard. But now it's okay.

-Meditation - I might do it tomorrow, I think. If there's time.

-Exercise once this week - I partied my ass off last night. I feel like that counts.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 13. "Winter."

God, my throat hurts. I hope I'm not getting sick, but it's clear my immunity took a whack. I had a gig on Saturday night that went well, but it was out in the cold air the entire time. (Great gig, though. I had a good moment where I stood my ground rather firmly when an unprofessional DJ who was doing the music at the even offered me tequila and beer and stuff. I refused clearly. He kept pushing. I took him down a peg. I would normally not have done that. But I made it clear to him that a no is a no and if he'd push me more, there'd be consequences. Old me would have been afraid to antagonize people like that, afraid of what might happen. Current me doesn't care anymore what others think. I make my own roads and I follow what I deem is important. The rest be damned.) And it's been cold inside the apartment too. I underestimated that. Let me explain.

I got the power bill a few days ago. We pay a set amount each month, an estimate of what should cover the costs by the end of the year when they make a total tally of the amount of power spent. Holy shit. The amount of money spent and the discount I got by being clever a few months ago and switching providers wasn't the issue. We can spend the scratch. It's what we spent it on that bothered me. You see, this place uses electric accumulators to heat it up. So no gas or fuel powered heating elements. Sure, that cuts costs. No need for a separate provider or holding tank, no fuel lines or special heating elements. Electrical wires are already in place, handy right? Oh, man. I saw the bill and looked at why it was so high. It's so costly to heat this place. I had no idea!

We have a meter for the power we use during the day, during the night and some weird third one. I never got why, to be honest. This cleared it all out. The bill showed below average use of power during the day and night. Makes sense, I'm a pretty frugal dude. I crawled my way up to this average life coming from poverty. I only use power or water or buy food when I have to and never waste anything, not a drop. But the third thing on the bill was more than 4 times as high and the power of day and night combined. WTF? I called the company and apparently, it's the heating. They have a separate meter for the heating, that's the third one. Holy shit. 

It works by using special types of rocks in a metal casing, heated up slowly over the course of a few nights, because nighttime power is cheaper, and the using a small fan to permeate our place with that accumulated heat. This place is isolated to kingdom come, so last winter, a soft winter, I barely had to use the heating. But this one is worse and colder. So I really need it this time. But I'm so aghast by how expensive it is. But you can't turn it off! There's no alternative heating here. And to make matters worse, it accumulates heat. So it's not like it can heat up everything in a matter of hours. It's a slow process, like a matter of days. WTF. UGH. So our place is cold now and we have to make due. I turned them all on. It's going to be a doozy of a bill to pay. But we're moving out next year in any case. Hopefully during the summer. Thus this place is cold, my throat and my girl's throats are sore, our immunity is lowered and we'll be like this for a few days untill the expensive heating helps our asses out again. I didn't know about all of this because last winter was soft and okay. Now I can't wait to move to a cozier and warmer place.

I"ve been stressed less and more relaxed. But I'm noticing that this is affecting my productivity a lot. I'm eager to pick up some slack this week. I'll try not to get too stressed during that sprint. I had a long talk with my girl about everything I've been feeling and thinking. She cried, but she took it well. I'm happy that I was honest. We both consider ourselves to be lucky with one another.

I'm still having some cravings now and then. Games, porn, drinking, Netflix, ... Maybe it's because I've been more relaxed and thus less focused and distracted. I wonder how I'll feel about cravings when the business takes off. Tomorrow is an important hearing to get to step one: unemployment cheques. I already heard it's probably going to be a two-parter because of the medical nature of my story. A bore-out is apparently something only a doctor can decide on. I'll spend a pretty big chunk of today prepping for that. Luckily I kept lots of documentation for just these kinds of circumstances.

And lastly, because of the commercial, I have become a GIF. I feel like this makes me kind of internet famous. It's weird. I see my own face pop up here and there. Tenor-based stuff like the GIF-interface they put in Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp or others, now have GIFs of my face. It's because of those silly Burger King commercials. I looooove the attention and the memes my friends are making of me. I've been crying with laughter.

 

What's left to do?

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts. This'll be the new thing that is most urgent. Good god, I really should get to this. Hopefully tomorrow or the day after. I'm not sure I can do this today.

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I have an important meeting next month with somebody to see if I could get some government support for my business. But the required application is a monster I need to tackle first. I need to set my prices, do research on the market, ...

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I want to try and sell my kitchen table.

 

Recent highlight: Learning that I'll be doing some kind of LARP this weekend with colleagues of mine.

Budget status: I'm almost broke, save for my savings account. I should be getting that commercial money soon, though.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get healthy asap. And other than that, prep for the important hearing tomorrow.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Still on the streak! Yay!

-Make the bed - The room is cold, but the bed is till made!

-Drink enough water - I've been dehydrated for a day now. Insane. I really should mine my water intake more. If I do, I feel healthy, if I don't I get sick more quickly. It's one of those ninja things. If I do this properly, you shouldn't see the results. Because the result is an absence of bad effects. Anyway, I've been trying today to catch up on the 'damage done'.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't done it today yet, but I'll go do it now.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I sometimes say out loud that I'd want a beer. But then I listen to myself saying it and after a few seconds decide that it's not worth it. I used to be a glutton for it. But nowadays I realize it makes me drowsy and I sleep worse because of it. I've been off drinking home alone for a while now.

-Meditation - I should try to do this soon. With only 1 Krav Maga session this week, I might need the load off. Especially since I'll be among busybody people this weekend. That stuff tires me out so some mental space might be handy.

-Exercise once this week - I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I'm missing my Krav Maga tomorrow due to DM'ing a D&D-session. But I'll get to praccy on Thursday.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 15. "Down with the sickness."

I've been sick for a day or two now. It's messing with my mind. I hate being sick. It both shoves my face into the fact that I am vulnerable and mortal at all times, something I still try to make peace with since I try to push myself beyond my limits constantly, and to 'win' from the disease, I have to relax and let my schedule slip away. I had been feeling very relaxed the past week and was keen to get back up on the horse this week. Knock out some of the things on the list, eager for progress, hungry for growth. But I got knocked flat on my ass. I was a rag yesterday. And I hate it. I hate only being able to lie around and mope and do nothing. Even breathing was tedious because of how much the throat hurt. I was so frustrated and stressed with not being able to actually do anything, I almost relapsed! How crazy is that? I ended up dodging the bullet by walking deliberately into another: drinking. I had a few beers last night. I drank for the first time alone in several weeks. I try not to, and it's not a big deal that I did, I feel, I'm no alcoholic. I was able to quit that behavior for several weeks with only a minimum of discipline necessary. But it's clear that I used it for stress relief, to blow off steam and numb myself. It's crazy to me how life is becoming less about throwing away potential by using games, porn or screens to numb myself en binge. And it's more about trying not to be consumed by my own hunger for progress and evolution and ambition. I think it's just simply overcompensation. I try to be superhuman and achieve EVERYTHING because I spent decades hiding from everything in games and thus feeling subhuman, barely alive. 

I think it's going to be healthy to try and rework my schedule. I have my planner in my phone, the list below, a huge A0 sheet of paper with a huge list and several tabs on my browser open. I feel like I should probably rework those a little to make it a bit more realistic and so that I stress a bit less. 

If you would have said to me years ago that one day I'll be faced with dealing with my overwhelming ambitions vs time to execute them, I would have laughed at you and continued my paused game 5 seconds later. I hope that in a few years, I'll have found some more peace and will be busy with running my business and being happy.

 

What's left to do?

-I should try to get all my paycheck slips and send it to the company that paid me for a few months of sick leave, they need them to pay out the final amounts. This'll be the new thing that is most urgent. Good god, I really should get to this. Hopefully tomorrow or the day after. I'm not sure I can do this today.

-I  should probably try and go pick up my old computer from the shop. I could then remove some RAM-cards and my old drive and see if I can implant it in the new one to make it faster. 

-I want to start posting stuff on my social media and be funny and get popular to make sure that when I launch my business, I can hitch onto the already present growth online

-I  should try to contact, review and coordinate with my friend, the graphic designer, to talk about my social media, color codes, a website and content

-I want to get a haircut.

-I want to contact my barber and a tailor to doublecheck if everything is set for the big birthday party in April. I'm getting a tailored suit and hope to lose enough weight by then to have an okay body and maintain that or I won't fit my suit anymore.

-I have an important meeting next month with somebody to see if I could get some government support for my business. But the required application is a monster I need to tackle first. I need to set my prices, do research on the market, ...

-I should try to contact a company called SABAM to make sure that whenever my face or voice is used commercially, somebody checks if it's legal and if I get paid properly. It seems and impossible mission to do this myself, so I want to find somebody who can.

-I want to check out a company called win-winner, because they help out start-ups like mine

-I want to contact a few banks about small business loans to compare their rates and also contact those same banks and my own independant insurance broker to look at different insurance products for start-ups and how I could benefit from those personally and perhaps with my girl in tow

-I want to contact DeAuteurs, a company that pays out royalties for scripts and written media, I should get some help with this asap.

-I want to check out VOKA, another company that helps out startups

-I want to check out SMARTbe, a company that helps the payment and administration of freelancers

-I want to binge the E-learning of the place I just got my business education from, it's basic, but all knowledge is good knowledge

-I want to get more gigs as a training actor

-I want to ask my local government what kind of programmes they have in place for startups like mine

-I wantto check out something called startit.be; another company for startups

-I want to try and sell my kitchen table.

 

Recent highlight: My girl surprising me with some ice cream, healthy lemonade and other goodies.

Budget status: I'm still waiting on the commercial money. Ugh. It's about time it's going to show up...

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to rework my schedule a little bit and maybe just try to achieve 1 thing per day?

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Still on the streak! Yay!

-Make the bed - Lurched out of the bed and left it like that. I slept until 1 pm or something. I'll probably go back right now and fix that.

-Drink enough water - Fuck. I haven't been hydrating properly for a while now. The app kind of helps. But there's still a lack of input and results. Maybe I should try to leave some kind of waterbottle nearby?

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I have to go to a reception later, despite being kind of sick. I'll do this and then go show my face and then I'll go back home.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I drank last night. It's not a huge deal. I try not to but it's not like the world collapsed because I did. I think it's wise to learn that getting sick or bedridden is hard for me. No Krav Maga stress relief possible if you're that sick. So I easily grab for other things. I drank to protect myself from relapsing. I do have to make sure that this doesn't become a thing.

-Meditation - I've been out of it mentally because of being sick. Hard to focus. I'll try to do this when I get better again. 

-Exercise once this week - I'm happy there's practice tomorrow, I hope to be healthy enough to go.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

If you would have said to me years ago that one day I'll be faced with dealing with my overwhelming ambitions vs time to execute them, I would have laughed at you and continued my paused game 5 seconds later. I hope that in a few years, I'll have found some more peace and will be busy with running my business and being happy.

I think just a year ago, if someone asked me, I'd have said arrogant like "I have it all figured out." I was unemployed, out of shape by this point, in a faltering relationship. I think that was as far as it could get from "having it all figured out" now. I am a funny guy!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 16. "Limits."

Still kind of sick. I clearly have more energy. But I still feel sub-par and have headaches. I'm clearly just not healthy. It sucks. I want to do so much stuff, but I just seem to not be able to. UGH. I hate this. I'm not yet properly equipped to deal with this. Usually my stress relief is Krav Maga. It helps so much and despite feeling sick, I feel like I have all this energy to burn and at the same time the headaches remind me that I don't! I've done Duolingo today, worked on my D&D campaign, played some chess, watched a movie... The pent up energy, stress or frustration, whatever you want to call it, has even driven me to look at some +18 stuff and for the first time, I've visited Twitch. Thank god that I wasn't able to follow any of the games, I've been out of that world for a few years now. It all looks so foreign to me. I thought it might make me feel nostalgic somehow, safe or like some kind of homecoming. But, luckily for my detox streak, it was just a bunch of alien shit to me.

I've meditated today, had some food and I'll go outside for a walk and to pick up a package that was delivered to a post office nearby. I have some work to do. Emails to scour. I am seeing a doctor on Monday who'll look at my paperwork and then he'll determine if my quitting my job was a medically smart move to avoid a bore-out; or he might say that a bore-out is an affliction that's too hard to define retro-actively and will just let me know that because of that it's not enough to cover the situation. So ideally, he says I did a good job and thus grant me instant unemployment money and then I'll start building the business in less than 2 months. Or he'll say it's not possible and I'll have to wait a few weeks. 13 weeks max. And only then I can start the business... UGH. At least I've got enough money saved to last me a few months. Thank god for well paying commercials. That really saved my ass. On top of it all, I need to accumulate as much paperwork as I can to add some oomph to my case. So that means scouring through 6 months of emails and some folders with my medical paperwork. I already have some good shit lined up. But a little extra never killed anybody. I don't want to take any chances.

I hope to be healthy tomorrow or the day after. After tonight the stress of being trapped in a weakened state won't be a bother no more. I have a gorgeous wedding to attend tomorrow with my partner and after that she's off to her parents for a few days because Christmas. This weekend I'll be off with a couple of colleagues of mine and there'll be food, booze and LARPing. I'm véry excited and super curious. The only hurdle would be temperature. I have no idea where we'll be staying and we've been advised to get some thermal gear. *gulp* I hope I won't get sick again because of that. And I just realized that I haven't found all of  the Christmas presents I'd want to get. And that I have no thermal gear... Shit.

On the bright side. I got rid of the list and changed up the way I deal with planning and to dos and tasks. I now have a Longlist, a Shortlist and a Today digital postit on my desktop. I made sure I start my day with a moment to wake up, some coffee, food and a bit of Japanese and some meditation. The latter still takes a bit of energy to put myself into the mood, but everything starts out hard, doesn't it? Then I move the the table or a desk to do my dairy and in the same motion I fill up a water container and a glass to make sure I get my first couple of drinks of water in. After that it's looking at my digital planner to see about meetings or important stuff and I check if it's all realistic and okay. And after that I look at the postits to see what's up today. So my phone agenda is no longer a huge to do list and using a longlist and a short list I can differentiate the priorities and still get some leeway here and there. Let's hope this current system works out ^^

 

Recent highlight: Creating new D&D characters by rolling their stats randomly and then coming up with personalities and backgrounds based on that. 

Budget status: I'm sure I'll be fine. But I'd love to get paid soon...

My one goal for the next 24h: Get through my emails and find whatever documents that could be useful for the doctor's appointment. I still think it's weird I need a doctor to look at paperwork. I'm so confused as to what I'm actually supposed to bring. They said all relevant medical documents. Thank heavens I'm a bit of a storyteller. I hope that'll save my ass.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - The leaderboard can be a bit of a trigger, I'll be honest. The achievements system too. But at least I'm learning Japanese and not gaming?

-Make the bed - Check!

-Drink enough water - Adapted my daily rhythm a bit to make this easier

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't gone out yet, but I'll shower in a second and do this too.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Well, I did this the day before. But I try not to look at this like something I need detoxing from, just a habit I want see happen less.

-Meditation - Just finished. I hope I can start doing this daily. I notice that I'm rusty but I used to be better at it.

-Exercise once this week - Practice got cancelled. Ironically because the teacher is sick too. I wouldn't have been able to go as I am now anyways. But I'm sure I'll have a busy weekend anyway, so I'll get some exercise that way I guess. In any case, I'll go for a walk in about 15 minutes, so that counts, right?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 17. "Effort."

So I have more energy than I had yesterday, that's good. But I'm still not 100%. I say that I'll finally get better tomorrow. And I've been saying that for a few days now, lol.

Today we attend a wedding. I love dressing up. But sadly, there's also A LOT to do because I've been sick the past few days. I'm trying my darnedest to not let it freak me out.

Tomorrow I'm headed off to a fun weekend with colleagues. Even had a group chat about playing some D&D together. I REALLY look forward to it. 

Yesterday I put up the Christmas tree with my SO. We had a very cuddly night.

Today it took some effort to do my routine. But despite being sick, I nailed it all. Woke up, did the brushing thing and made the bed. Then coffee, food, Japanese and I just finished meditating. I noticed that it gradually takes less and less effort to do so. I'm expecting this weekend to tussle up my routine, so I'll probably have to start Monday morning with another bit of extra effort to get things on track. But, on the bright side, I do get the feeling that 'forcing' myself to start my day in the same way might be a good staple. The only way I'll get to meditating regularly is to actually do it daily with discipline until it becomes a habit.

 

Recent highlight: Putting up the Christmas tree with my girl.

Budget status: Still haven't gotten paid. I don't understand what's taking them so long...

My one goal for the next 24h: I'm worried a bit about the state of the kitchen. I want to clean it up. But I have different priorities that I have to take care of first. So my one goal is to simply go down the list and try and let go of worrying about the household.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - New words are haaaaard. I'm finally getting the feeling I'm going beyond basics. But fuck me, Kanji is difficult, yo!

-Make the bed - Check!

-Drink enough water - As soon as I sit down to do my diary, I'm already slorping up that good H2O. It was a good move to set this into my daily routine, putting the jug next to my pc.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done ^^

-No daydrinking at home alone - I guess we're fine? I did have a beer or two last night.

-Meditation - Just meditated. I notice that it's still a bit of a hurdle, but today went better than yesterday.

-Exercise once this week - It hasn't been a very active week, and I notice that. I'm less tired at the end of the day, but also I'm sick. Doing basic stuff tires my body out and ironically, then I'm wide awake with ease till like 1 am. I assume the weekend will be pretty active, though. Also, I've walked around a lot this week because of picking up Christmas parcels.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 23. "Post-Celebrations"

The last few days have been irregular. Not chaotic or bad, just not as structured as I'm used to because of the holidays and the weekend trip. I went away for a day or two, a company paid leave. 2 days in the woods with about 60 other actors. Holy shit XD All of them are huge talkers and it was rather busy. I played D&D, we did a cool Larp-type thing where everybody actually dressed up as Dark Ages-type people. It was gorgeous, amazing and fun. And we finished things off with a party that had me celebrating life by dancing and drinking until 7 am! Insane! My health kept up, luckily. I didn't get sick, just a bit sniffly because of the cold air. So all was well! I got a huge bit of stress relief too, it felt like leaving the planet for a day or two.

I did have a lot of troubles the last few days, but all of them in my mind. My girl was gone for a few days and I was uneasy at night. I had trouble find peace, being at ease with things. I was so unruly! It was hard to bite away temptations... I started watching The Witcher and that lead me to watching gameplay videos. That lead to visiting porn sites. It all was sliding away suddenly. But I kept it all up. No breaking any vows. But it was hard. I'm trying my best to find some more peace and quiet and keep up my structured way of starting my day. I notice that if I can start my day our right, the rest of the day goes swimmingly. 

My girl is back now, I'm a bit more at ease. Sometimes I think I can respond to things a bit like somebody who's on the autistic spectrum. 

My doctor's appointment went well. I think. The doc was supposed to look at things and figure out if I can get my unemployment money; so he has to figure out if I did have a bore-out/burn-out and if that it was medically sound for me to quit my job. I'm usually good at reading people or situations. His face was a stone fortress. No info. So I guess I'll just have to play the waiting game for now...

Christmas was fun. Lots of cool presents and seeing family. Grandpa's a widower now and oddly enough, nice to talk to. He used to be hard a granite; I've had better conversations with a dial tone. But now he's so fragile and sad, all he does is talk about his feelings and stuff. I'm glad to be able to connect with him more. Death does bring people together, I guess. I spent Christmas Eve with my family. Because of the death of my aunt, understandably so, the mood was a bit less joyous than last year. It all felt a bit more empty... But it was a nice evening. I loved cooking. My sister is a chef and I loved looking at what she does and how. I had to slice grapes in tiny pieces with a razor sharp knife. So much fun! And the results were delicious.

 

Recent highlight: Grandma's reaction when she saw that her gift was a balloon ride in the skies with a few family members (I'm coming along! YAY!)

Budget status: In a few days I'll start doing the budgeting thing again!

My one goal for the next 24h: Have fun at D&D tomorrow night. There's a guest who's trying it out and I want to try and make it all fun and comfortable and safe enough for him to feel okay with experimenting with roleplaying. 

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - I got hooked on the leaderboards again... Dammit! I did way too much because I wanted to reach the top...

-Make the bed - Even if I forget it, my partner now does it too. How cool is that?

-Drink enough water - Just like the flossing, it's been a day or two of missing my mark here.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Missed a few days, the last couple of days I kind of had issues with structure and keeping up stability for myself.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Nothing new here.

-Meditation - Just finished. The more I do it, the less effort it actually takes and the more effect I receive. I think we're about near the halfway point. From here on out, ish, I think the benefits will start to outweigh how much energy it takes me to get this started.

-Exercise once this week - Krav Maga was cancelled this week, but I hope to see them all again at practice in 2020. I hope my weight scales arrive soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 24. "End of year."

Nothing crazy going on. Had a lovely morning with my girl, she'd made breakfast and cleaned our place up. Which is insane because I was the cause of the pig sty... I had a few irregular days which led me to sleeping in majorly today. I hope that come tomorrow or the day after, it'll be better. If I could wake up at a proper hour tomorrow, I'll have a pretty productive day, I feel.

I'll have a busy evening. A D&D-session with 7 players. My solid party of 5 plus a guest, a first timer. And then an irregular player who pops in and out of the story sometimes. He's a goof so it works out for the story, bards are allowed to be so random. It'll be tough, though. Keeping up the discipline. They are talkers, the lot of them. But we want to be able to joke around less and progress the game and the story and let people have the spotlight to shine sometimes. Managing their attention while at the same time running the game is a hard job to pull off. So I'll probably spend then next few hours prepping... 

My current system of structuring my days is okay, I feel. I make my habits a priority. I hope the book was right and that this will give me results like a compounded interest.

 

Recent highlight: Waking up with fresh coffee, music, eggs, fresh bread and fresh juice. I seriously am going to marry this girl one day...

Budget status: I'm getting a big bugged about the commercial money... It's still not here. I have fucking bills to pay... I can take some out of my nowadays filled savings account, but I shouldn't have to. They should pay me in time!

My one goal for the next 24h: Prep the D&D properly and just enjoy tonight while maintaining their focus on the adventure. I'm sure I'm capable of this, but I'm equally sure that I'll be tired XD

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  Still on track. It's crazy how many words I know now. 

-Make the bed - All good.

-Drink enough water - On the recovery! 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it again today. I feel so clean again! And I bought new floss.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Nothing new here.

-Meditation - As I said, I'm getting better at it and it's becoming more effective. Just gotta keep going down this path and try to not stray from it.

-Exercise once this week - No Krav Maga this or next week due to holidays. So I might go for a run or something to make sure I get some relief. Or a huge walk or something?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 25. "Cleanup."

So D&D last night was amazing. Best session ever. 7 players present, all disciplined and in good spirits. Great edge-of-your-seat moments. Shenanigans. Intelligent moves. Great fun!

Today and tomorrow are kind of relaxed. Just making sure random stuff gets done. Paperwork, cleaning up my SO's old apartment, ...

And tonight we'll probably go to the Winter's market with a bunch of friends. Great fun ^^

 

Recent highlight: The D&D sesh went amazingly!

Budget status: Still no commercial money... I'm going to give them a call...

My one goal for the next 24h: Cleaning! Our place and my SO's old place. Both need a fell swoop of minty fresh.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  Going strong.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Not a drop yet, but as soon as I finish my fancy lemonade, I'll pour a glass. 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to do it right now.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Still okay.

-Meditation - About to do it right now.

-Exercise once this week - The cleaning in her old place will be rigorous; if it's not enough to count as exercise, I'll plan a run or a huge walk somewhere.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 26. "Even bigger cleanup."

The better part of today was spent in my SO's apartment. In a few days her contract will be done and the place needed to be clean. It was intense... Ooof.

But the place is clean now! I didn't really have a chance to meditate or do whatever I'd do usually. And I didn't get any drink of water either. I just got into the zone and just zombied all the way through cleaning each and every room. Afterwards I treated myself to some good food, home cooked though, not takeout, and some beers. I don't usually partake in it, but I just had a craving. I had some trouble biting through some urges, but bit through them anyway.

I'll try to get up early in the morning and if everything goes well, I'll have a super productive day. I discovered some caramel syrup to add to my coffee in my SO's place so I'll finish my day with a cold brew with that good stuff. I used to be totally hooked on it when I was a barrista. So happy with this! Our place is even MORE fucked up than usual, though. So I'll try to balance cleaning this place with just doing regular stuff like work or paperwork. It sucks that this place is now super messy and stacked with boxes. But on the other hand, she's kind of taking a liking to our place here. So maybe we're not going to be moving in a few months again. That means we can unpack everything and strategically start buying furniture and sprucing up the place.

 

Recent highlight: Made food, had drinks and watched Norsemen. A bit of me-time. It really hit the spot.

Budget status: Tomorrow I'll set up all of the nescessary monthly transfers for the rent, insurances, ...

My one goal for the next 24h: Wake up fine 'n' dandy and take the day like like it's nobody's business.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  Going strong. Fiddled a bit with the leader boards again, but broke free of the temptations.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Totally fudged it today. We forgot to bring a bottle of water when cleaning the SO's place.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm going to shower right now and then clean my teeth too.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had some beers. Thoroughly enjoyed it all. I'm going to keep an eye on my drinking, though I don't really feel like I should make a big deal out of it. Being mindful seems smart in any case.

-Meditation - I'm a bit too tired to do it today, but I'll probably going to do it tomorrow.

-Exercise once this week - I was so tired after cleaning. Holy shit. There's no Krav Maga the next coming 7 days. So I'll need to find some physical exercise at some point.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 27. "Cardboard."

Ugh. Our place is crammed with boxes and nowhere to put their contents because of no storage space like cupboards. We'll go out to Ikea sometime soon to remedy this. But I also have to work and stuff. So for now I'm trying to find a balance between getting important shit done and cleaning up a bit. I've tried splitting things up in my brain. Today, I'll just make sure all of the cardboard is gone. That'll give us some space to breathe. I'm home all day and my goals for today are realistic and doable. So maybe tonight I can also get some ironing done or wash some more clothes and blankets. Normally I'd be stressed out AF about this. A whole apartment in chaotic flux. But I try meditating and biting of small bites of this huge hunk of chores. Bit by bit. Not fretting too much about what's bugging me, but trying to focus on the progress I make each day in cleaning bits of it up. I know that doing too much will drive me bonkers, but sitting here and prioritizing work over chores will also bug me since I work in my living room. So, a bit of work. And a bit of cardboard. A bit of work. And a bit of laundry.

 

Recent highlight: Meditating is going so smoothly! I'm really starting to enjoy it.

Budget status: FINALLY. I'll get my commercial money within like a week or something. It's crazy how much you have to harass people to get paid. Ffs. Also, I have to make sure I get that budget file up and running again come January first.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do what my planner says I should be doing and also cardboard and laundry. Laundry is optional.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  Going strong. Fiddled a bit with the leader boards again, but broke free of the temptations.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Started the day with a few glasses. I notice I'm thirsty. In terms of hydration I'm a bit of a yo-yo.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done!

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had some beers last night.

-Meditation - Thoroughly enjoyed it. It's going better and better. When I sit cross-legged my foot tends to bug me though.

-Exercise once this week - Going out for a bit of a walk today. There's probably going to be mad dancing tomorrow night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Day 28. "Sharp cookies."

I baked brownies today and a cheesecake. To make the latter, I crumble up a special type of cookie called 'Bastognes'. It's a tedious thing, but good food requires sacrifice. You can taste the difference if somebody really made an effort for their food. I was crumbling them up and holy shit. I got hurt. By cookies... I'm not kidding. I was crumbling away peacefully, enveloped in my ikigai, and suddenly a few pangs of pain. I look down and 4 of my fingers have motherfucking open wounds. I literally cut my fingers open, at the beginning of my cooking session, and because of stupid, hilarious cookies XD 

I've been reading a little book I've gotten for Christmas from my inlaws. 'Ikigai', it's called. About how people live long and happy lives, how and why and stuff. It's very inspirational, actually. I've been feeling a bit more peaceful as of late. I think meditating has something to do with it too. It's not like I feel more resilient, it's more like stuff just hits me less. I feel less emotional or impulsive almost.

My SO's been super stressed, though. She's terrified of her former landlord. We're nearing the final steps of getting her ordeal, ready to leave it all behind us. She needs to clean the place, like 30 minutes of work. And she needs to sign some papers with the former landlord. She's terrified. She's so convinced that there's going to be some big crazy plot twist that'll make her lose a lot of money. She lies awake at night about it, stresses and frets about it during the day. Ironically, for a trained psychologist, she's not very resilient. She'll numb and distract herself with Netflix, but won't deal with the issues itself. She won't call the landlord, avoids confrontations by using texts and emails. She keeps asking for confirmation all the time, it's so exhausting. It's like she can't handle any situation on her own and then turns around and cries and blames herself for not being able to do anything alone. It's tedious. I don't always want to help her, she needs to grow up sometimes... I'm just ranting. But it's tiring. 

 

Recent highlight: I rocked the cheesecake. I'm curious about the results and excited for tasting it!

Budget status: Tomorrow I'll start a new budget file. I think I might create 2 different spreadsheets to keep an eye on our household spending. Now that we have a shared account, I feel like I should keep an eye on that too.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the party tonight! 2020 baby!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson -  All good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Shit... Haven't had a single glass today yet. Damn. I'll drink one right now!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done!

-No daydrinking at home alone - Shared a beer with my SO last night.

-Meditation - It's flying by. I sit down to get a bit of zen and suddenly there's 15 minutes gone. It's like I love doing it now and suddenly time passes by more quickly.

-Exercise once this week - Had a walk yesterday. Going to party like a monster tonight.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...