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Maintenance of the PhoenixKing


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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think your hate isn't something to be ashamed of, if your father left your family when you were young and added to the fact you got addicted to gaming. At least you know what to avoid. It'd be naive to think we can love everyone and everything.

Yeah, I agree. Lots of issues of mine (and my sister's) can be easily traced back to him leaving and his ensuing shenanigans. It's super normal to be angry or vengeful. It's just that I've always convinced myself not to give in to that. Hate and love are wolves that live inside of us and the one that grows in the one you feed. I try my best to be a warm, loving and kind dude. To suddenly irrevocably realize that there's hatred in me is a bit rough. Whether the hatred is understandable or not.

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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

@Phoenixking I had the same problem with hate towards my father. 2 and a half years ago I moved away from him after an argument in which he insulted me and my mother. Even 2 month away I was still having dreams in which I hurt or killed him in total rage. So I spent the next month trying to learn what forgiveness is and how can I forgive him, and then I met him face to face and said I forgive everything and it was a turning point in our relationship for the better.

How the ever flying fuck did you manage that? How did you learn to let that go? And what changed?

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Day 24. "Teacher."

Today is going to be a productive day! My SO is away to her main branch office instead of working from home. She's going to be working from our living room until March. Yikes! My focus is really lowered if she's around... I need a bit of peace and quiet so my chaotic mind doesn't wander. But I'm home alone now!

I've found a company that hires freelancers to coach kids and young adults in their studies. It's not exactly what I want to do with my business, but it's money. And it's experience working with people. I need a steady flow of customers and income and I feel it's a good place to start. It's so weird because though I'm coaching, it feels like I'm teaching. Most of the kids seems okay in terms of intelligence, it's just that life dealt them crappy cards. It's a great way to brush up my communication skills too. And there's opportunities in the company for me too! Writing and teaching educational camps or seminars in summers. I'm excited! There's even a reception tomorrow evening to start the new school year off well and I'm invited!

Yesterday boxing was madness. Super rough shit. But I made another friend! I'm fucking 30 and making new friends, how crazy is that? He's convinced me to attend more classes. I totally want to up my game and match up with him. He's ahead of me quite a bit but he managed to get to intermediate level in 6-8 months. So I have about half a year left to keep up the pace with him and get to the next level. I'm considering changing out one of my 7k runs with a Drill Sergeant class. That's when they scream at you for about an hour to go faster and set up some kind of course with bikes, weights, machines, balls and other fun stuff. Honestly, it looks hilarious and fun. I like that I'm getting more into it. I love getting fit and that endorphin hit you get afterwards is golden. It's like a warm blanket falling over me on the bike ride home. 

 

Budget status: Just did the budget thing yesterday, so all good.

What did I read today: A bit about custom shoes.

My chore of the day: Taking care of the bunnies and cooking food later today. Also took care of the trash.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 6/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - I'll make dinner in a few hours.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - First bottle down, next coming up.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done 🙂 

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11 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

How the ever flying fuck did you manage that? How did you learn to let that go? And what changed?

It's difficult to answer. I guess a certain aspect of the process is tided to circumstances of the particular case, but I'll try to offer as much general guidance as I can. After having this experience, I can safely say that forgiveness is a choice, yet we need to do it genuinely. Just saying that we forgave won't do it on it's own.

To begin with, one has to understand what is forgiveness. Personally, I had difficulty with this.
Forgiving DOESN'T mean:

  • keeping a person close to you
  • allowing for bad behavior to continue
  • giving "another chance", hoping that the person will change
  • expecting that the other person will forgive you in return.
    (don't expect reciprocity. If you expect something, it's not forgiveness, it's a deal or a compromise.)

Forgiveness, in it's essence, is:

  • letting go (letting past be the past. Seriously deciding not to revisit that part of your history anymore)
  • giving up on revenge (however justified it would seem to be)
  • a triumph of your love over your hate (compassion is important)

One has to decide not to actively revisit the past he is leaving behind. It's ok if it pops into your mind but in that case you should just redirect attention and that's it.
One has to decide not to seek any type of reparation or revenge. No more putting salt on an open wound, no more harsh words either directly said to him or thought in your mind. Anger and fury are emotions that want to destroy the object that stirs them, so by giving up on revenge, you must give up on stirring anger and fury. By loving, I don't mean that you need to be all lovey-dovey or something, you just need to find a place in your heart that will be able to love another person just enough to compassionately forgive them.

Now, how can one be in a proper mindset to forgive?

  • you need to be honest to yourself about your own faults (and be honest that you want forgiveness for your own misdeeds)
  • try thinking of the circumstances that maybe facilitated a persons bad action (if there are some)
  • be compassionate towards the other persons situation (for example, almost all bad people emotionally suffer or were victims in childhood. My father was a bad father,
    but it helped me to forgive him when I realized he also had a bad father so he didn't have a good example to learn from and he was also bitter because of it, etc.)
  • you have to let go of your entitlement and ego, and be grateful. Yes, maybe you weren't given the best life possible, and yes, maybe somebody really did steal something important from you, but on the other hand you were obviously given a better life than others. Compassionately imagine what would an orphan who is right now being used as a sex slave give to be in your situation. (I assume you didn't go through this experience). Try focusing on what you do have, on everything you love and cherish in the world, on what gives you pleasure and joy

As soon as you feel ready, you should go see your father in person and say something simple like "I forgive you for x,y and z. I truly forgive you. I came here just to say that.", also, apologize IF you feel that you have wronged a person. Be totally fine with the possibility you will get mocked, rejected or insulted, forgive him in advance for this as well. Come in peace, say those words, and be on your own way out. Forgiveness is primarily about yourself, it's about freeing yourself. If the other person wants to stay in his anger or hate, that's their own problem. 

After a while, you will notice your subconscious isn't bothering you anymore, or at least not nearly as much as before.

Hope this helps. And I wish you best of luck.

Edited by gargamel
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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Holy shit, dude. @gargamel 😮 Thank you! It's a lot to take in. I'll be sure to revisit that a couple of times this week while I let it all sink in. I feel like it's going to be hard but also worth it.

Glad if I could help you with this at least a bit. Good luck. Be free to ask me more questions about this if you like.

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Day 28. "Fighter."

Had boxing practice this morning. Damn. That coach does not fuck around. I can still feel my abs groaning. I'm really starting to get along with a few different people. I had a lot of laughs at today's practice.

Work is okay-ish. I still need to make money asap. I hope some casting thing falls through... I've at least figured out what I want to put into my workshop, all I have to do is write it down now and structure it. I have about 2 days to do so. Next week will be spent on the website and more marketing. Man... It's a slog. An uphill battle. But I try to take it one step at a time!

 

Budget status: Well, it's obvious the car accident fucked me over financially, but that's nothing new.

What did I read today: A bit about the different kinds of shoes and their differences.

My chore of the day: I cleaned the bunny pen, fed them a few times today, made some toys and made dinner.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 7/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - Made pasta.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Fully done today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

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Day 32. "Keep your chin up."

Everything's going. It's not doing well but also not doing badly. It kind of just is. I've been coaching a bit more students now, so it's nice to get some more work done. But I only get paid every three months (or monthly if the amount is over 250). I've been noticing my dad-feelings are really starting to be present. I want to have kids and a nice house and all that jazz. I want it so badly, it feels like it'd be the most important thing in my life if I'm ever able to nurture that dream. But that means making money. I want to be a successful patriarch that can be an example for his kids or grandkids later. I'm so terrified my business won't work. I need money asap, so I focus on short term stuff, like acting gigs. They pay really well and would buy me another month of worrying less. But they seem so elusive. I thought I was a good actor? Then why isn't anybody hiring me? I'm considering some sort of agent or manager. I know it's a long road. It's just so fucking frustrating that there's all of these people telling you how to do it or what to focus on, there's all of these educations and workshops and free e-books... It bugs me how much everybody seems to market themselves as having all of the answers but every time I invest a bit of time in one of them, they just feel so generic. There's no real manual for what I'm doing here. And I'd be nice to get some confirmation somehow that I'm still on the right track.

 

Budget status: Done. I tried saving as much as possible. My SO threw me a bone. Bought new books using our joint account. I feel like she kind of took pity on me, moping around because of the money issues. I think of think she also now sees how taking a trip in August was good for her mental health but not for our bank account.

What did I read today: A tiny bit about a Viennese shoe maker.

My chore of the day: Bunny stuff shopping and folding the laundry.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 8/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO is cooking today.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Super done.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done ^^ Although I was a tad too tired/lazy last night to brush my teeth... Must make sure that doesn't become a bad habit...

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Day 34. "Focus on the positive."

Got some more coaching work. There was a student that really liked me and asked if he could put in a request for me to be his coach for like every class. That was so cute. It think it's my positive attitude. I notice at boxing that people now know me as the guy who's like always enthused. I kind of like that. It means I'm happy, I think.

I had a long talk with my business coach about financial stress and stress in general. The big take was that I should focus a bit less on acting and castings. Sure, it's money and could solve short term stuff, but it's so irregular. The whole point of starting to coach was to build a more solid foundation, a more predictable revenue stream. As an actor, you depend on others to get work. You basically sit by the phone and adapt to what comes. As a coach, I control way more about how and when I work. It depends on what I sell, how I do it and to whom, you have more control and a say in how your business goes. So I'm trying to fret less about acting and try to focus more on my more solid projects.

I should try to focus on the positive a bit more, I haven't been myself for weeks, I feel. I'm more prone to outbursts. That's not like me at all. I should really mind what I do and when. I think I'm burning the candle a bit too much on both sides. I told myself I should get out of the house. I'm probably going to spend more time at my coaching job or at my co-working unit. I need to get out of this living room. My SO and I have been fighting more and that's a big red flag that needs to be taken seriously. I'd need to pay a bit more, sure. Co-working spaces aren't free or anything. But it's okay if the trade-off is a better family situation and a healthier mind.

 

Budget status: Got a huge tax return, like over a thousand bucks. That kind of takes care of the money needed for fixing the car. So that's a big bright side!

What did I read today: A bit of everything. Some poetry, a bit of a novel, some political cartoons and a bit about loafers.

My chore of the day: Cooking later and cleaning the kitchen

Anonymity editing of my diary: 8/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO will probably do it.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Progress is fine today. 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

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Sorry that your family situation is rough right now, I do hope it gets better. For that and the outbursts for a more positive mind, have you tried meditating before? Meditation can help calm your thoughts and re-address situations. I know it helps me feel calmer and allows me to look at things at not only in a brighter view but also allows me to see the bigger picture, so you could try that/ get back into it.

 

Also congrats on the tax return!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/8/2020 at 9:50 PM, royal panda said:

Sorry that your family situation is rough right now, I do hope it gets better. For that and the outbursts for a more positive mind, have you tried meditating before? Meditation can help calm your thoughts and re-address situations. I know it helps me feel calmer and allows me to look at things at not only in a brighter view but also allows me to see the bigger picture, so you could try that/ get back into it.

 

Also congrats on the tax return!

I did try it. But it took quite a bit of effort to get it going. It was lovely when it worked. But the amount of time and focus it took to reboot the habit every time I lost it was too much. I figured it was useful but I didn't enjoy it enough to keep it up. I prefer the zen-like state that running or boxing gives me. Nowadays I try to manage my schedule and my expectations a bit more to prevent stress rather than relieve it.

Thanks! It's such a huge load off my shoulders!

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Day 48. "Is this the way?"

So I haven't updated this regularly. I've got some scheduling issues. I've noticed I've been stressed for a bit. I have two planners, I think that's the cause. I'm very ambitious and very demanding of myself. I made a schedule with my SO for household stuff and our pets and put it in our shared digital planner, an app. Then I have a separate Excel file on my computer that lists my planning for about a month. Building a website, writing down my coaching stuff, and so on... The thing it, neither of those take each other into account. I don't like realizing or admitting my limits. Making it very easy to easily overstep them. I also have a few hours a week of coaching now and whenever I get an acting gig, I have to reschedule everything again. But on the other hand I'm rather lazy and easily distracted, so I really do need a proper schedule. It's just that I find it hard to balance all of these things. I want a fulfilling social life, healthy pets in a clean environment, healthy food on the table (decent, fresh cooked meals with no palm oil and preferably vegetarian), a clean apartment with no clutter, regular exercise (and even there I'm so ambitious as to want to climb up to 'Advanced Boxing' within 6 months), a promising career with lots of clients and lots of money, ... It's a crazy list. So it kind of went overboard on me and I was mainly executing stuff. I had acting gigs, coaching gigs, I took a day off (very much necessary) and then I recovered a bit. I'm trying to grow in this but it's a baby steps-kind of thing.

I removed the daily chores thing from my diary. We kind of have it all down to a science nowadays because of the household schedule we made. There's always stuff to be cleaned or tidied. But I feel like that doesn't really count and my effort would be better directed towards work or more important stuff.

 

Budget status: We blew through our household budget. Had dinner twice and I splurged on books. So now we're improvising. We use stuff like the first free box of Hello Fresh or Marley Spoon to get by for the moment. We're not starving. I just don't want to touch our savings for something so trivial like groceries. We also have a full fridge and freezer. It just bugs me that despite keeping an eye on our money this was able to happen.

What did I read today: Lots of different things. Poetry, fantasy, satire and a bit about shoes.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 9/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO is doing it and I'm having leftovers from my Alton Brown-meatloaf. Mmmm...

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - First bottles ready, also have boxing later so we should be okay.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

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Day 50. "The fear. The struggle."

I mellowed out my planning. There's now more normal things in there. Like barber's appointments, household stuff. It looks more realistic. It's grinding my gears though, because it's making me fear that I'm going too slowly. Though normally I'd be prepping for my first workshop and my first paid D&D-stuff. It's just that they both got postponed due to the corona-restriction tightening up again. And on another bright note, some of my bills are getting paid so I have some money again now. It's just that I'm so goddamn anxious to start flying, I'm worried I'll never get to that if I'm still working on walking. I sometimes wonder if my speed or my progress is on par with the rest of the entrepreneurs. But then again, I'm supposed to fight my own fight, they're not me and not doing what I do so I'm really in my own race, not theirs. It's just hard to let go of all of that insecurity, like it's gravity pulling me back. 

It's all just one huge experiment. Trial and error. Try to make something of myself and my life and make enough money to get by. And if it fails, no worries, I'll not die or something. There's always some kind of plan B. I just really don't want to end up in some call center. I don't want my plan A to have to take a back seat. I'm scared of that. I'm not sure this fear is holding me back, though. It might just be there, it's a very normal thing to be scared if you're a start-up. I'm just not clear-headed enough yet to figure out if it's really affecting things and thus needs to be take care of or if it's just there, existing and doing it's thing and being fine.

 

Budget status: Happy then end of the month is nearby. I scrimped and saved and was able to cobble together some money for next month. I hope that at the end of November things will be a bit brighter.

What did I read today: Another bit about shoes.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 10/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - There's leftover. Though I'm not a big fan of my lasagna. Might also be that I'm getting some kind of stomach bug. We'll see.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Done and done. Had a Drill Sergeant class today. Heavy stuff but I think I made it through.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

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Day 55. "Kid's off."

Well, my country is shutting down again. The virus is fucking us up once again. Honestly, I just wish we had a bit more competent people in charge sometimes. My boxing got cancelled. I mailed them to ask for private tutoring. I need to watch my cash, but I also need to watch my mental health. Not to mention that I'm scared my knees'll regress. There's no fucking way I'm getting back into that wheelchair.

Coaching is going well. I notice more and more that it's both an organic process where a lot of it is based on who I am as a person and what my preferred method of approach is and what constitutes my values and opinions. But there's also a lot to learn and a lot of structure I still need to find and utilize. Today marks a fun day. One of my clients was seeing me to get through an exam. They should be done just about now. I hope I got him through the hurdles.

I talked to my therapist about the amount of pressure I put on myself. The feeling of never being good enough. We've been having session for a while now and he noticed that I have two issues on that subject. On the one hand it's never good enough. I always see flaws, imperfect details and so on. But oddly enough, on the other hand I'm convinced that I'm special. Certain rules don't apply to me, I dare more than others, I believe to a certain degree that I'm amazing, like as if I'm the main hero of some kind of quest. Both are connected to my past. My mom was emotionally like granite and my dad was very manipulative. There was a lot of violence with my sister and it's like I learned to automatically distrust others as a baseline. It was very hard to hear all of it. I mean, he's a good psychologist. I really felt like he busted through something. 

It's just kind of hard to deal with. It's the reason why I can be so confident when doing my job or acting. Because I genuinely believe I'm amazing. Which is good, right? But that is kind of a survival technique I got from the days when I had major issues and felt shoved aside by my parents, when I got bullied for years and when love relationships were blowing up in my face. The perfectionism is also something I can see in my crazy work ethic. It's just kind of scary to get analyzed like that. I have to learn to love myself, odd bits and all... I'm seeing my mom soon to talk about this. I'd like to get rid of the idea that I'm not good enough in any way. 

 

Budget status: Oh shit, I really am starting to have issues with money suddenly. Damn. I almost didn't make rent this month.

What did I read today: The final bit on shoes and socks and how to combine colors and textures.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 11/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - I'm cooking tonight. Might have to clean the kitchen first, though.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Should be okay nowadays. I'm actually working on a great streak of drinking a minimum of 10 glasses of water a day.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Doing this quite a few days in a row. The habit is properly ingrained. Yay!

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Day 0. "Godmotherfuckingdammit."

 

Relapsed again. I'd felt it coming for a few days now. First porn cravings, small stuff. But the moment that levy breaks, it all falls down because I figure, hey, I relapsed anyways. Why make an effort to miss heaven by two inches, when you can just sit back and miss it by a mile. You missed it anyways, right? Might as well just go with it.

It's the crazy amount of stress and with no way out, the defenses crack. The crisis has hit my sector very very hard. It's really tough making money and building a business while making ends meet. I can't make rent this month, my savings are gone because of my wheelchair injury before summer and the car crash we had this summer wasn't great either. My mom said she'd loan me if needed and I already contacted a government agency to see if I could get some help. I'm pretty sure December should be fine because I got some money coming in then, but it's making this month that's going to be a challenge. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I mean, mentally it's pretty tough nowadays. The country's on lockdown again. People dying, businesses collapsing, rate of suicides and depressions on the rise. Honestly, if I wasn't such a stubborn motherfucker, I'd be up there with the lot, on the couch and videogaming it all away.

So today I'm trying to focus on getting done what needs to get done, despite all of the mental fortitude it's taking. I really need that cup of coffee in the morning, a bit of chocolate to get me through the day and I'm trying to see that the gaming, the porn, the whole relapse is normal. Too much stress and other factors I can't control and none of the normal outlets. I have boxing, but it's not allowed. I get to run and stuff, but it does take a bit of energy to go outside, change clothes and get my shoes. When you're feeling this hopeless, it's hard to really make an effort to dodge the craving. Although I am getting a new guitar this week, so I do look forward to trying to play songs and make a bit of music. I hope to someday be able to play a song, sing along or even better, make up my own weird and funny lyrics.

 

Budget status: Well, I'm trying to make ends meet. But it ain't easy...

What did I read today: A bit on overcoats.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 11/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO is cooking tonight.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - SO is in it right now.

-Drink enough water - Been nailing it for a while. I got like a two week streak of drinking 2,5l a day!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Habit is going well. Nothing exactly there to require extra focus or something.

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I believe you will get through this. I quite unexpectedly got a lot of online courses and I doubled down on building up my website and doing whatever I can to improve both my business and myself. I feel fairly tired quite early in the day, but I believe it's worthwhile. Do whatever keeps you sane and stable.

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Day -1. "Fighter."

I was panicking, down in the dumps and thinking a thousand things at once. Later that day, I went boxing and I found my fire again to tackle all of the business and money issues. It was a controversial decision, because technically, it's not allowed. You pay cash, meet at a specific point under cover of darkness... All very hush-hush. It felt like being a part of fight club. Though dangerous in the sense I could get fined, I didn't feel unsafe. It's the same people I'd been seeing for weeks, despite the growing corona-numbers; using the same precautions, in a well-ventilated huge space. There were only a few people there and their level was higher than mine. So I basically got an advanced training. Not very easy, hahaha. I got my first bruise from taking a boxing glove to the ribs a few too many times while blocking it shabbily. I'm oddly proud of it.

It was choosing between Scylla and Charybdis. Either waste away and keep panicking, or go do something I shouldn't to find my animus back. I took the latter. Both were kind of bad choices, but you work with what you've got. I've requested more financial aid and coaching, got two more education courses coming up and I stepped up my game. Wrote on my workshop yesterday, got some coaching and paperwork today and one of my bills got paid so I can now try to pay some of my own bill with that money.

I'm still relapsed though. It try not to game too often or too overtly. I'm still ashamed of it whenever my SO is nearby. But it's not debilitating (yet).

 

Budget status: Trying to save what I can.

What did I read today: A bit about overcoats.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 12/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - I'm cooking tonight, we got another Hello Fresh-box coming in.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - First bottle down. I'm doing really well nowadays, just sad that I broke my streak yesterday by a hair.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Doing this often enough to slowly start to think this might be removed from this diary as well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day -10. "Slow burn."

I'm still relapsing, but I'm toning it down. Luckily, this isn't one of those all-encompassing relapses where I drop everything I'm doing and just game and watch porn. It's quite the opposite, of all the relapses yet, this is the first time I'm able to retain a modicum of productivity. I'm still a bit scared to quit again. It takes so much mental effort and because of the current lockdown, it's hard to find enough outlets to keep away from games. There's not much to de-stress with. 

That being said, I did delete 2/3 games I'd been playing and I'm trying to slowly get rid of it all and be clean again.

I've been having a lot of coaching, therapy and a lot of mental stuff I'm dealing with. This both complicates things because my amount of energy is limited and brings along with it a certain amount of stress. But on the other hand it does feel like we're dredging some gunk out to make sure next week or the week after that allows for clearer waters.

Financially, I'm finally starting to see how I started my business with money issues and digging a hole. I had to invest in certain things. Now I'm starting to see some returns, slowly but surely. It's nice to finally realize that I don't have to work like a maniac to get some returns. I guess it's more of a steady, but slow burn. I won't get rich fast, but it's starting to look like consistent effort will yield merits. All I got to do, it seems, is just not give up.

 

Budget status: I was hoping for some takeout one of these days, but I feel like we'd better not. It's nice to get some income for a change, though!

What did I read today: Almost done with coats, almost onto hats and accessoires.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 13/32 - Nearing the halfway point!

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - We usually schedule when we do this, but this time we let it go. I do notice that I seem to have to be the one to pioneer this every time. I'll mention to her that I'd like to ask for her help in keeping an eye on this as it helps us out magnificently.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - 

-Drink enough water - Argh, I broke my streak for a few days. Circumstances like forgetting my bottle, or really stressed days where I just get absorbed by the task at hand caused it. I'm trying to get back up on the horse.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday and last night. A good solid habit of mine with little to no worries nowadays.

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Day -13. "Waning."

I've now deleted 2/3 games I've been playing. It took quite a bit of courage to take a step back from them. I'm already starting to feel the grasp of the last one loosen. I'm not there yet, but I can feel the next off-period coming. Relief. Been cutting down the porn too. It's not really my thing anymore it seems. It's just a quick hit of brain chemicals almost. I should look up what kind exactly, then I can find an adequate replacement. I miss being able to go boxing in real life. I maintain my physique, though. 5 workouts this week, and daily cold showers. I'm going to try to get to 15 seconds instead of just 10, but damn is that hard. Holy shit.

I've been getting a lot of coaching and therapy. And been giving a lot of coaching, doing emotional stuff with my SO since we've been cooped up in here for about 8 months now. There's stuff about my dad and my sister too; about my insecurities, mental traps I fall into, ... The list of shit to deal with and manage is long. So I'm rather proud of myself for trying my best to push myself and get to my goals, but also realize that my reigns are pulled pretty taut and I shouldn't break my own mold. I read somewhere in the last few weeks that I should not compare myself to other, but only to my past self. I already knew that. But it seems like this time I've taken it to heart properly and I've become a bit more proud of my progress. But it still a struggle sometimes.

 

Budget status: I'm trying my best to limit my spending; household budget is on track, though.

What did I read today: Finished jackets, onto hats now.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 14/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - Making naan pizza tonight with some goat cheese and veggies.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done

-Drink enough water - First bottle down and I have boxing tonight, so I'm sure we'll be fine.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day -  Done.

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Day 2. "Detox."

I'd been feeling the detox coming up again. Games start annoying me after a certain point. They require you to put in cash or other stuff. It's just annoying. I don't like it controlling me. So I quit again. I'm talking it over with my therapist this time too. I just came back from seeing them, so I'm a bit out of it so this entry is brief. I would have liked to go running today and I should take another cold shower, but the weather sucks and my mental energy is a bit low. I have work to do tomorrow and the day after and both days will be rather draining. I think it's smarter for me to choose wisely how I spend my hours.

 

Budget status: Slowly working on becoming financially healthy again.

What did I read today: A bit about hats.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 15/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO is cooking today.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Properly on track today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Brushed it properly this morning, and I'll do the rest later today. This is truly a proper habit nowadays.

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On 10/24/2020 at 7:04 PM, Phoenixking said:

Day 50. "The fear. The struggle."

I mellowed out my planning. There's now more normal things in there. Like barber's appointments, household stuff. It looks more realistic. It's grinding my gears though, because it's making me fear that I'm going too slowly. Though normally I'd be prepping for my first workshop and my first paid D&D-stuff. It's just that they both got postponed due to the corona-restriction tightening up again. And on another bright note, some of my bills are getting paid so I have some money again now. It's just that I'm so goddamn anxious to start flying, I'm worried I'll never get to that if I'm still working on walking. I sometimes wonder if my speed or my progress is on par with the rest of the entrepreneurs. But then again, I'm supposed to fight my own fight, they're not me and not doing what I do so I'm really in my own race, not theirs. It's just hard to let go of all of that insecurity, like it's gravity pulling me back. 

It's all just one huge experiment. Trial and error. Try to make something of myself and my life and make enough money to get by. And if it fails, no worries, I'll not die or something. There's always some kind of plan B. I just really don't want to end up in some call center. I don't want my plan A to have to take a back seat. I'm scared of that. I'm not sure this fear is holding me back, though. It might just be there, it's a very normal thing to be scared if you're a start-up. I'm just not clear-headed enough yet to figure out if it's really affecting things and thus needs to be take care of or if it's just there, existing and doing it's thing and being fine.

 

@Phoenixking do you like the feeling of completing a ridiculous number of tasks in a day? I think that working on making your plans more balanced is a good sign of setting priorities. I think the clarity issue that you talk about in your latest posts is connected to getting tired and burnt out. By prioritizing, you will be able to perform with less stress of worry and at a higher quality level. It will be interesting to see if the need for games completely disappears then. 

 

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