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Phoenixking

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I want to start working out again but maaaan I'm so exhausted all the time. Might be caffeine intake. I get 7-8 hours of sleep and still feel like I could snooze til noon. 

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You have to break that shit man. Take the caffeine out of the equation, keep the hours of sleep and white knuckle yourself to exercise. It might be hard for about 2 weeks. Try to fight it daily, keep talking about it in your journal and after a while, the discipline is no longer needed and it becomes a habit. It took me quite some time and willpower to actually start meditating, but after about a week, I finally enjoyed it! But I still need the daily journaling to remind me to do it and keep it up. Leaving bad habits behind and building up new ones takes time and effort, but yields compound interests!  On top of that, the same goes for bad habits. Working out would be a great way to have more energy because the amount of juice you'll spend in the beginning doing the physical and mental work doesn't even begin to compare what level of output it'll give you in the long run.

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Day 45. "Gray area."

I had a little party on my own last night. Japanese Whiskey and tasty fried food that I had home delivered. My girl was out of town though, so I had trouble sleeping alone. I ended up listening to a podcast instead of a book, but more like in a way to listen to a bit before I drift off, not as a way to kill the loneliness. I did drift off a bit, but it was unintended. I was also a bit buzzed... I feel like I should reset the timer though... The whole point of it all was to not play games, not watch porn and not use Netflix or a podcast to fall asleep with... I'm having trouble figuring out if I broke my vow or not. But I'm also a bit scared of what'd happen if I reset. I'm pretty sure I'd be strongly inclined to play a game on my phone and then I'd feel réally bad... Even the thought of resetting the counter is giving me triggers and temptations. But on the other hand if I continue the counter after breaking one of the vows, the whole thing is going to be nulled out, hollow. So I don't really know what to do... I'd say I'll talk it over with my partner, but she's not here. On top of that, I really want to play that fucking game on my phone and I'm confident she'd tackle me first before letting me relapse. So if I were to really want to play it, now would be the time. It's so fucking tempting. But I'd lose track of time. There's so much to do today...

I have to go shopping because there's friends of hers coming tomorrow and we're hosting. On top of that they're curious about D&D and roleplaying and I'd like to prep a little story or something. Because of the hosting of friends, I'd need to clean this place, do the laundry and fold them and put it away and also change the sheets because I was supposed to do that yesterday. There's not a lot of time left because we're having dinner with my sister and her SO and afterwards participating in "Drunk Gaki no Tsukai". (Google it, long story, sorry).

Phew... I guess summarizing things, even if I'd make the counter a more hollow concept by continuing it after contemplating the gray area of what I did last night with the podcast (I should have just read my fucking book), the sacrifice I'd make by resetting it and making a relapse more tempting with the game on my phone is not worth it. Whether I should reset or not, it's not worth relapsing. So I'll just continue. Steady as she goes. Ish.

 

Recent highlight: Fighting through the moment described above.

Budget status: Okay for now. I'll try and set a weekly budget for next Monday.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try and let go of everything in my mind right now and try and transform into a shopper, cook, writer and cleaning hero for the rest of the day.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished.

-Make the bed - Postponed it because I have to change the sheets and clean the entire place anyway.

-Drink enough water - I tend to get up from sitting more to get a glass. Oddly enough I now have to do more physical effort to maintain this, but it's making it easier.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Skipped it yesterday... I'll do it later today before I go to dinner prolly.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Well, I had a bit of a party last night on my own. I do notice I have been drinking a bit more lately.

-Meditation - Didn't meditate yesterday. Maybe I should try and keep track of this somehow to see my weekly average.

-Exercise once this week - I hope we'll be able to go for a hike tomorrow. My body craves it.

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Hey, nice job fighting the urges man!

36 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Whether I should reset or not, it's not worth relapsing. So I'll just continue. Steady as she goes. Ish.

And this is the best output you can get from this situation. Our brains try to convince us that relapsing is ok, but as soon as you relapse you regret it immediately. Try to wipe this ideas from your head and keep forward!

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2 hours ago, WhatAboutToday? said:

Hey, nice job fighting the urges man!

And this is the best output you can get from this situation. Our brains try to convince us that relapsing is ok, but as soon as you relapse you regret it immediately. Try to wipe this ideas from your head and keep forward!

Thanks man. I feel like I was fighting myself there for a bit. As long as my schedule is filled with stuff, I'm fine. But left all alone, to my own devices? ... Shit... So easy to start regressing again. I'm so happy that my brain has kind of recovered from porn or games in terms of chemicals. I literally get headaches if I see porn. It's such a huge deterrent.

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Day 48. "Wired."

Sunday was rather draining. I knew my girl had arranged for some of her college friends to come over and that we had to host them. But I underestimated what was expected. Bought about 110 bucks worth of groceries, turned out that it was only meant to be about 50... That was not communicated. Lots of things went wrong that day. Ugh. But I was the perfect host, though, she was happy and proud of me. But afterwards I was sooooo tired. Social batteries drained. And they just wouldn't fucking leave, it was so weird. If it would have been my own friends, I would have just shared with them that I'm tired and kicked them out. Oh well... I made a shitload of spaghetti sauce with the leftovers and now there's whiskey and ice cream in the house. Yay! I also cleaned the kitchen twice and the bathroom got a turn too. Sparkly house! But tiresome day.

My girl has been talking more and more about how she's no longer able to handle things. She's got a therapist, but her month has such a demanding schedule that she can't go. I keep telling her that unless she makes her own mental health her top priority (and thus no longer lets any excuse whatsoever come in between her and therapy or other things), it's going to get worse. She's slowly spiraling. It hurts my heart to see it. I'm there for her, I listen and support her. But she's going to have to be the one that climbs out of the hole, I can't do that for her. I love her to bits but sometimes it can be tedious to be together with somebody who needs so much help still. I've been thinking of my future, like marriage and kids and a house and stuff. And I've decided that I'd definitely feel like marrying her (even got the whole proposal thought out already) but she's going to have to mature a metric fuckton before I have kids with her... I mean, we've had so many issues with her bike. She's constantly borrowing mine because hers keeps failing in random ways. Even today I have to give up an hour to go to her bike and fix it again. All of the stuff she brings into my life is understandable, I'm chaotic too and she's younger. I was a mess when I was her age. But I'm so focused now on being a better person, it's just frustrating sometimes to have somebody who's so dependent on me. I just lost another hour of my day because her bike broke. Again. Had to schlep my toolbox over to the train station where she'd left the bike. Then she also broke the toolbox... Ffs. It's so hard sometimes to channel that frustration elsewhere. She's not doing it on purpose, but she's still doing it.

I have a jam packed schedule. I'm trying to stay away from Netflix or Reddit for a few days to make sure I can get it all done. I've always tried to make sure I take enough time to catch my breath. But I feel like for the next few days, I better double down on things. I'm trying to stay wired as long as possible. Get my motor running in the morning and don't let it quit till the evening.

I went to help my friend this morning, he's remodeling his house. Basically spent the morning laying flooring. I fucked up my hand though, hit it with a hammer. Doofus XD But the result was pretty! We had a good talk too. He can be an ass or a cynic, but he's a good guy.

I texted grandma this Sunday. Because of the party, I thought I needed some things. I was mistaken and cancelled seeing her to pick some stuff up. She was a bit sad so I vowed to try and see her this week. I haven't been successful yet. I still have two more days, though.

 

Recent highlight: Laying the flooring and making sure the kitchen's spotless.

Budget status: Setting my weekly budget for 50 bucks!

My one goal for the next 24h: Kick ass at the gig tonight!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it this morning.

-Make the bed - Was the first out of bed this morning. Pretty sure my SO didn't do it.

-Drink enough water - Kind of halfway there already today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it a few hours ago.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Was drinking two nights before.

-Meditation - Monday: no. Tuesday: not yet.

-Exercise once this week - Working on the flooring was nice. I can't do Krav Maga tonight and I hope nothing'll happen on practice Thursday because my hand is still fucked up. I do tend to sit down way less and try to use my bike for most things instead of my car.

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Day 50. "Suit up!"

I can't believe I've made it to day 50... I still sometimes struggle with triggers and urges. I think I might push past day 90 and keep the counter up. I notice that it's a big motivator for me to not relapse: I don't want to reset the counter.

The gig I did Tuesday went great, I had so much energy to give and everything was explosively funny. Wednesday I stayed in bed for way too long. Getting up out of bed is still a hard task for me XD I get more out of my day if I do, though. But my schedule and when I get home is just rather varied.

I saw a few friends from film school yesterday. It was great to reconnect after all these years and it felt like no time had passed, we just slid right back into joking around. We talked about what projects we're doing and I sent the the pilot episode of my hearplay for feedback. I got the results back from the producers of the local radio station, they're ecstatic! I'm so happy and proud that my weird brain fart is suddenly taking off. If I can only find some way to fund the whole thing, we can get to really cooking with gas!

Last night I saw a friend of mine and asked him to go get a drink and something to eat, we're seeing each other next Monday. He's one of my D&D players, an improv buddy of mine and his girl is struggling with her depression as well. I figured it'd be wise to seek his counsel surrounding how to deal with my SO and her burning out slowly but surely. I went into the thing with the idea of seeking his advice, but he responded he'd be glad to hang out because he thinks I'm a fun dude. I like how I went looking for something practical but received a cool compliment ^^

Today I'm seeing the tailor to go talk about a tailored bespoke suit. "Purple. Always a royal winner."

 

Recent highlight: Stealing the show at last night's improv training.

Budget status: Had coffee and donuts yesterday, weekly budget down to 41,45 bucks. I will be trying to have saved 2000 bucks by the end of next month. The highest amount of money I've ever owned was about 5000. My goal is to try and go over that in about 6 months!

My one goal for the next 24h: Tomorrow I'm doing production again at the prison. I helped make the schedule, but there are still some kinks. *sigh* So the goal is to kick tomorrow's ass!

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good.

-Make the bed - First thing in the morning.

-Drink enough water - The jug is right next to me, so hopefully I make it today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go shower so I'll do it in a bit.

-No daydrinking at home alone - For now, okay. I hid all of the beers and emptied stuff out of the fridge that had alcohol or lots of sugar.

-Meditation - Monday: no. Tuesday: no. Wednesday: no. Thursday: kind of.

-Exercise once this week - Tonight there's Krav Maga. Looking forward to it! Also, I try to bike everywhere nowadays. Which sucks because it's winter. But still, it's healthier!

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Day 53. "Suicide?"

Well, this has been an eventful weekend. 

The suit is going to set me back about 1200. It's a crazy amount and I asked for a week to think about it. But I'm probably going to end up going for it. It's a gift to my future self, the more adult and stable me, an investment in the me that is going to be schmoozing with CEOs and CTOs and teaching them how to properly do speeches, communicate and do presentations. I've never been on a course like the one that I've created for myself, becoming a business owner and basically just doing what I want, what I'm passionate about. That 1200 is like some mental price I feel like I want to pay to prove to myself I'm serious about all of this. The color of the suit will match my current wardrobe, will fit the house style of my marketing and it's tailored, so I'm supposed to keep my weight stable. I could stand to lose a few kilos, though. But all in due time and it's possible to change suit a bit, if need be. It should last me about 5 years and repairs and other things are all included in the price.

Friday I worked at the prison. A tough, emotional day. Lots of upset people but I was able to make them all smile in the end. That's why I like the job. I excel at communication with people and showing them empathy.

Today I spend the best part of the day taping a podcast episode with a famous cartoonist. It was a blast but it drained me.

And then there was yesterday... I had my coaching training, shopping with my mom and a crazy conversation with my partner.

She's contemplating suicide...

I pulled the plug right there and then on anything and everything in my brain. Immediately threw caution out the door and made it clear to her that if the way she feels has declined to that low a point, she needs to recover asap. I told her that I'd rather destroy the whole world around her in her stead, before I let her destroy herself first. She's terrified of telling anybody, terrified of losing her job because of the stress she's feeling and feels like there's no exit. I told her I'm here for her, we'd go to see the doctor tomorrow to make sure she can stay at home and relax for at least a month, look into meds, contact her therapist and amp up the frequency of their sessions and convinced her to tell her friends or parents. It was a tough conversation. I try to be supportive and listen and communicate properly. But I won't allow her to kill herself. If need be, I'd destroy her trust and let her environment know how badly she's doing and contact her doctor and therapist myself and arrange her schedule without her. I'm not losing her, I'll fight for every last inch of us. She wants to shut out everything and everybody but me and slowly fade away. I worry about her...

In the midst of this all, I have a pretty important meeting this Friday to review if I'm a good applicant for the government program that coaches, helps, stimulates and guides young entrepreneurs. Getting into this would basically give me a flying start for 18 months. I've aimed all of my arrow at this target. But now this situation with my SO is giving my lots of worries. Like, what if she does something and I'm not there? What if this keeps up? How long until she recovers? I had been thinking about kids. What if that's no longer a good idea? I'm a little bit scared because suddenly there's so many unpredictable factors... I've been where she is and it took me like 10 years to properly recover. 

 

Recent highlight: The podcast episode today!

Budget status: Only spent 3/5 this week, so I saved a bit.

My one goal for the next 24h: I should have an 'empty' day tomorrow. I'm eager to get ALOT of shit done tomorrow and should make the business review meeting a priority. But tonight? Tonight I'll just leave room to be sad about it all. That just seems like a healthy choice, let the emotions just exist and not run away from them.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good.

-Make the bed - Nope. SO keeps letting it be messy, but it's okay. As long as that doesn't break my habit, it's fine.

-Drink enough water - Haven't had enough water today, but am drinking a bit more tea nowadays.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'm probably going to shower in a bit, and I'll probably do this then too.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I might have a drink later, but I'm not sure yet.

-Meditation - Monday: no. Tuesday: no. Wednesday: no. Thursday: kind of. Friday: no. Saturday: no. Sunday: probably no. So I should really do it tomorrow.

-Exercise once this week - I've been using my bike way more, preferring stairs over elevators and am looking forward to Krav Maga this Tuesday evening.

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Definitely support her. If she came to you with this contemplation of suicide then she's been thinking about it for weeks if not months or longer and hasn't told anyone. So this is a big moment for you to support her. I think seeing a doctor is the right thing here. Even if she gets hospitalized for some time it might help as well depending on the severity of it all. I hope that she's able to heal and nothing bad happens. 

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Agreed with @BooksandTrees . I am sure she noticed that you care for her, because you expressed your worry about her mental state before and now she decided to be vulnerable and share that with you because of that, so you are doing a great job supporting her. Keep it up. You got this.

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Day 54. "What of the future?"

The suicide thing has been on my mind a lot. I thought I'd be more flexible and better equipped to handle such a dropped bomb. After all, I've been through a hellhole like that a few times myself. But I think that's what making things harder for me. Another person would have issues understanding what it's like. I sadly know full well what's it's like and thus it's like seeing my girl struggle in the same way I used to. I know what darkness awaits if she keeps going and I want to try every-fucking-thing to stop her. We talked about it and I need to let go more. It's pushing her away from me, she says. I think I need to let her figure this out on her own and just mainly listen. It's really fucking hard. She's making all of the classic moves I used to. Not doing anything about her situation, crawling up in a ball and just existing and not really doing anything, not telling anybody about it, no calls to doctors or shrinks, nothing. I think she just wants to wallow. She mentioned it's always been like this for her. A life full of ups and down, she's always had bouts of burnout or depression, never fully healing. She seems to be only able to work and crash. She doesn't want any help. I have no idea what to do. Should I just stand by idly and let her make her own mistakes and learn from them? I know I can listen and give my opinion and stuff but... What if this keeps going? Depressions or burnouts are no common cold. This won't be over by next week or next month. Last week I thought I'd start planning a proposal in a year or two. I sometimes fantasize about having kids with her. What if I should put all of those things aside for a while to make sure she's a stable partner? Or worse... What if she might slowly start to drag me with her? I don't want to break up or lose her...

I'm seeing a friend of mine later tonight for tacos and drinks. His girl is struggling with similar things. I wonder how he deals with it. I am fighting major urges to play games, watch porn or daydrink. Haven't done any of those yet, though. But still, I can feel my bad habits' hot breath on the back of my neck, eager to pounce on any weakness at a moment's notice...

 

Recent highlight: Meditating for a bit and feeling a bit of calm.

Budget status: Reset my budget for this week to 50 bucks. The household budget is almost empty, but it's the end of the month so it's rather normal. The rent is due soon and I've already wired the money to the shared account. My teeth habit payed off. Now that my teeth are okay, preventative checkups only cost a few bucks instead of 50-60.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to let go of the whole suicide thing. We're seeing a doctor in a few minutes and I'm seeing my friend a bit later.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good.

-Make the bed - SO is in bed all day so nah.

-Drink enough water - Having a bit more than yesterday.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll be getting ready in a bit, I'll do it then before I go out.

-No daydrinking at home alone - I fought against this hard today, but kept it up.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes.

-Exercise once this week - Totally looking forward to Krav Maga tomorrow night.

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Day 55. "Mexican splurge."

Drinks with my friend went great. We had a bit of Mexican food and some beers and I had one Margarita. We ended up talking for about 4 hours non-stop. I've always considered him a friend but just hanging out with him, I think, really deepened our bond. I don't think we've ever talked for that long, we always see each other when there's other people around. His partner is struggling with depression and so I wanted to meet with him and pick his brain. We ended up having a great heart to heart about it. It gave me some insight. I should just love my SO and accept her and affirm her. But no matter what I do or suggest, she can't change unless she really wants to herself. There's no telling how long it'll take, though. And I need to be aware of my own feelings too. It's a complicated matter. But at the very least it's clear I can depend on my friends. I did end up screwing my weekly budget by spending almost all of it. The food is rather high quality and we were more focused on the talking than on the bill. Still, I feel like it was kind of worth it.

Today I'm meeting with some dude from some NGO. They wanted to see about using D&D in a therapeutic sense for their patients and clients. We're talking about light mental handicap or other stuff like autism. I think it should be doable. In a business sense, I should try to Medici-this thing. In other words, I have to try and make sure that I maneuver myself into a position where they need me to do this and nobody else can fulfill this for them. If I succeed, I'd be a profession D&D-player XD The bragging rights alone make it totally worth it. I'd love to run D&D-sessions with a therapeutic goal. It'd be a tricky balancing affaire, but I'm confident I can at least add value to the project. I know the rules like I'm a walking, talking library and I'm a talented storyteller. The coaching I'm doing will also help me out. But I'm not psychologist or therapist. So I'd like to work closely together with one or maybe teach them for a while and let them take over or something. The options of what you can do or create with D&D are endless. So it all just boils down to figuring out what the patients want and what their therapists believe they need and blending those together into a compelling story. Honestly, I'm super excited.

I've decided to try and make the review meeting this Friday a huge priority. I had other things on my radar, but it's too important. I'm shoving aside all other things for now to be able to make this succeed.

 

Recent highlight: The talks last night with my friend.

Budget status: Sucks that I blew my budget so quickly. I have a party this Saturday night and I really don't want to overspend... I already put my half of the money on our shared account. This is the account we use to pay the rent or groceries. Paying the rent is an automated payment. I begged my SO to make her half of the share to our shared account also automated, like mine is. Because if she forgets, it won't pay the rent and we'd start having issues with the landlord. I think she hasn't done it yet and I'm afraid we won't pay the rent on time because she forgot. This is also one of the reason I'm happy I keep an eye on all of the accounts. But it's also sad that she's a grownup and that I shouldn't have to check up on her. I'm also a bit sad that I feel this way, it makes me feel like I'm a grumpy person who automatically assumes the worst of her...

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it to practice tonight. I don't know how long the meeting'll take and I'd love to make it to Krav Maga. 

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just did it.

-Make the bed - SO is still in bed (noon right now), so no.

-Drink enough water - Almost halfway there, so we're on track.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to do it, going to leave to catch the train.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Good for now.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. 

-Exercise once this week - I hope I make it to practice tonight!

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Hi,

 

I am catching up on your thread.  How is your SO doing? It’s extremely brave of her to come to you with these feelings and it shows the trust she has with you. 
 

One thing that is helpful is a safety plan.  When these overwhelming feelings come up, is there a safe place she can go to. Who can she call? Is there a sensory item she can have, a stress ball, lavender oil, blanket... that can ground her in her body. 
 

Maybe just give her one of these items as a present. Also, from a women’s perspective, our hormones have a lot to do with suicidal feelings. Please be sensitive to this. It may be especially hard during winter season or certain times of the month. 
 

I hope this is helpful. Talk soon my friend. 

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17 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi,

 

I am catching up on your thread.  How is your SO doing? It’s extremely brave of her to come to you with these feelings and it shows the trust she has with you. 
 

One thing that is helpful is a safety plan.  When these overwhelming feelings come up, is there a safe place she can go to. Who can she call? Is there a sensory item she can have, a stress ball, lavender oil, blanket... that can ground her in her body. 
 

Maybe just give her one of these items as a present. Also, from a women’s perspective, our hormones have a lot to do with suicidal feelings. Please be sensitive to this. It may be especially hard during winter season or certain times of the month. 
 

I hope this is helpful. Talk soon my friend. 

She's doing okay, considering the circumstances. She stays in bed a lot. Getting through stuff like this is a slow and gradual process. Time will tell, I guess? She doesn't really have anybody but me for the moment. But she's got a therapist, will see our GP next week and she's planning on talking to a friend of hers about it. To  be clear, she has lots of people that care for her, but she's not really making a big deal about what she's going through. Right now, I'm the only one that knows. She's not eager to tell her parents because they can be very overwhelming. 

I'm not sure it'd work for her. I've been considering handing her loads of stuff, help, books, experiences to get her through this. But it feels like she needs to do this on her own. My friend advised me that it's better to let her find her own path and that suggesting her things or helping her find solutions sometimes has an adverse effect because it's not coming from her own self. It's like dragging her to the world's best therapist, against her will, because of her own good. Nothing'll work unless she wants to get better. I have trouble letting go, though...

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Day 56. "Professional D&D Dungeon Master."

I had a great meeting yesterday. And some fun news.

But also had a fight with my SO.

The meeting yesterday was with an NGO that helps out people with physical or mental disabilities. I talked with the ones responsible for their leisure activities and they wanted a meeting about D&D. I explained the intricacies of running a good campaign and what would be the subtle risks involved when dealing with people with mental disabilities, but that there are a gajillion options if you play your cards right. I basically just pitched how cool D&D was and tried to maneuver myself (Medici family from Renaissance Italy-style) as their life line to a successful idea. After about an hour they asked me to be the DM for their people. We agreed on a starter campaign of 5 people, 2 of which with handicaps. I am to send them an overview of my price range, what services I'd offer and so on... If all goes well, and it's kind of looking like it, I might be and actual professional Dungeon Master. Mindfuck!

Last night, my SO got a call from work. At 10 pm, during movie night. I said something mean and passive aggressive and we had a fight afterwards, but it lead to a good heart-to-heart. I am afraid of what'll happen with her mental state. I don't want to lose her. I've been to dark places before and it breaks my heart to see her struggle with them. It's like she's walking towards a spike pit trap and I'm trying so hard to pull her the other way, I'm not seeing clearly enough to notice that I'm ripping her arm off in the process. I'm supposed to have faith she'll notice in time and dodge the spikes. I'm afraid and panicky. But she's also concerned that our relationship is becoming a bit more like caretaker or a dad. Partly because of me, but also because she kind of pushes me into that role: she needs a lot of help and confirmation. I think it was a healthy step forwards. But like most couples, we're a long way from being perfectly attuned to each other.

I also got some random news. In a few months there's the improv getaway weekend. We get food, drinks, parties, events, classes, ... 4 days of fun! And it's been announced there's going to be a Snatchgame (like from RuPaul's Drag Race) and a  Lip Sync Battle! I am so totally up for this. I had a great idea: Interpretative Dance! I'm not a good diva or dancer but I'm very eager to win. I asked if it would be okay because I want to win and be original but don't feel like I want to break rules. Long story short, I have about 3 months to learn how to do this:

 

Recent highlight: The D&D meeting. So excited!

Budget status: Okay for now. I have savings if I need to pay something, but my regular account is kind of depleted. I'm supposed to get some cashola soon, though. But I'm not sure when it'll arrive. I go to get the unemployment money on Friday, so I assume the wire transfer will come through somewhere next week, ish. But there's already been money paid by me towards rent and groceries and such, so we're good.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to fill in as much as possible from the document for this Friday's meeting.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it this morning.

-Make the bed - SO is still in bed (noon right now), so no.

-Drink enough water - Yesterday I didn't make it, but I did drink a lot. So let's hope today will be the same.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it when I prep for improv tonight, I think. Or when I need a break from paperwork.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had 2 whiskey-colas yesterday during ironing. Kind of to celebrate the great meeting.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes.

-Exercise once this week - Practice was cancelled last night. UGH! I'll bike to improv tonigh and try to be as physical as possible to compensate.

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Day 57. "Differences."

So yesterday I spent the whole day working to prep for the meeting that's taking place tomorrow. I came up with a name for my business and tried to fill out their tedious forms and spreadsheets. It took me hours and hours. I hate it, a lot of it is redundant or just simply not applicable to my case. But they have my fate in their hands, so I'll jump through their stupid paper hoops. My SO was still sick at home, but today she left for work. She's feeling a bit better and really wanted to do the stuff that was on her planner for today. I was annoyed all day yesterday, though. I cautioned her to leave me alone because I'd be in a foul mood until the paperwork was done. Of course that prompted her to ask me about 1000x how everything was going during the day... That girl, man, honestly... But in any case I finished the stuff, sent it through and gave myself a pad on the back. After that I got a message telling me I got through to the second round of a casting that I'd put myself up for. But I needed to make a véry specific video to advance. UUUUUGH. Marketing firms have such ridiculous standards and more often than not, none of it is really relevant. So I have it when I have to jump through hoops like that. But it's a well paid gig and I'd get to travel to Vilnius, Lithuania for 4 days plus the nice paycheck. That's worth it. But the whole day my girl had be asking about going for a walk together, she wanted to stretch her legs but didn't want to go alone. But I felt it was important for me to seize the opportunity and make the video. In the end, there was no time left and I was about to leave for improv training.

I ended up cancelling improv to go for a walk with her. We ended up eating out and having drinks. I had been stressing and bitching all day. I'm so lucky that she's able to be so patient with me. We ended up having fun. But I notice that it's taking a toll on our relationship that I work from home all the time and that because of that and her working from home, it's messing a bit with our balance. We probably see more of each other than other couples and it's easier to get tired of each other or annoyed. On top of that I like going for walks, but she wants to go get a coffee or a cocktail. She only thinks about having fun, where I think about how much spending money I still have left for this week... We're so different sometimes. Thank heavens we love each other and are able to talk to each other. I'm happy that I made having a date with her a priority. She had dolled herself up for the first time in a while and I didn't want to ruin her fragile confidence. I'm still a bit conflicted about all of it. And though it was a bit impulsive and I may have spent more than I wanted to, I still feel like it was the right move.

 

Recent highlight: Getting through to the second round of the casting, what a lovely surprise! And the feeling of relief after sending the administration files from hell to the consultant.

Budget status: Spent about 20 bucks last night on food and drinks that I could have dodged. But we took it from our household fund. Hope it doesn't mess things up, we're still figuring things out with our joint account. Got a small payout from my prison gig, so I'll end the month in the black instead of in the red ^^ and my SO owes me about 1000 bucks because of the safety deposit for the appartment. So next month should be crazy lucrative. If this goes on, I'll have more money than I've éver had in about a few months! That's crazy!

My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the review meeting tomorrow to the wall.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Still keeping it up.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - Lately I've been drinking water daily, but sometimes just not enough.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it before I go to practice.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had drinks with the SO last night, but not alone and not during the day, so cool.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes.

-Exercise once this week - Didn't get to improv so I'll probably overcompensate a bit during Krav Maga tonight, if I know myself well. On top of that, there's a crazy party this Saturday night, so dancing all night counts too, right? I mean, we're not taking into account the alcohol I'll consume, this isn't about health, right? It's about exercise! Hahaha, right? ... 

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On 1/29/2020 at 5:03 AM, Phoenixking said:

She's doing okay, considering the circumstances. She stays in bed a lot. Getting through stuff like this is a slow and gradual process. Time will tell, I guess? She doesn't really have anybody but me for the moment. But she's got a therapist, will see our GP next week and she's planning on talking to a friend of hers about it. To  be clear, she has lots of people that care for her, but she's not really making a big deal about what she's going through. Right now, I'm the only one that knows. She's not eager to tell her parents because they can be very overwhelming. 

I'm not sure it'd work for her. I've been considering handing her loads of stuff, help, books, experiences to get her through this. But it feels like she needs to do this on her own. My friend advised me that it's better to let her find her own path and that suggesting her things or helping her find solutions sometimes has an adverse effect because it's not coming from her own self. It's like dragging her to the world's best therapist, against her will, because of her own good. Nothing'll work unless she wants to get better. I have trouble letting go, though...

I'd have trouble doing that approach only because I know when I was suicidal I wanted people to listen to me, give me thorough advice on my issues, tell me their stories, and make me feel important. That's the tough part, though. Everyone is so different emotionally and wants different things. Most people don't even know what they want. It's so tricky and tactile. Good luck and I hope she finds the right path. It's tough for sure. I've been in both places now which is strange.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'd have trouble doing that approach only because I know when I was suicidal I wanted people to listen to me, give me thorough advice on my issues, tell me their stories, and make me feel important. That's the tough part, though. Everyone is so different emotionally and wants different things. Most people don't even know what they want. It's so tricky and tactile. Good luck and I hope she finds the right path. It's tough for sure. I've been in both places now which is strange.

Thanks man. It is indeed horribly confusing and easy to misconstrue things. When I was going through it I felt so alone, lost in the darkness with no lifelines at all. So I figured I'd try to give her what I needed back then. Options, help, places to look for answers, books, guidance, ... But that doesn't seem to be the way to go, which surprised me a lot! We had a few talks and I just try to play it by ear nowadays. Time'll tell, I hope.

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Day 58. "It hurts when I breathe."

Good god... Krav Maga was brutal. Everything hurts... I did notice how I was basically jumping at the opportunity to grab my gloves and armor and go fighting. At the end of almost every practice, we armor and glove up and pick random opponents to try and beat. We hit at 100% the speed but at 30% of the strength. So you don't really get hurt but you do get hit. It teaches you you're not made of glass and that dodging is important, but that you can get tired in a fight easily too but you have to be able to break through that. I also learned how important defense is. I once had a fight with a guy who told me so and kept hitting me square in the face every single time he found an opening. Harsh. But I never drop my defense now. I might be a bit masochistic, but nowadays I tend to look for bigger and stronger opponents. I have a lot of energy and tend to jump around a lot. It's a weird drunken master type of thing. I'm still lacking a lot of technique. But I totally enjoy the process of bobbing and weaving, dodging and kicking and finding holes in their defense to punch through. Afterwards we had drinks and I got to meet one of the minors in the group, Ellen. Cool kid, cute too. But she told me about how she's had like 3 stepmoms already and she's only 15. She also drank pretty strong beers. Last night it was all cool and shit. But now I'm a littble bit worried... She might not have that good a home and my big brother senses are kicking in, but I'm not really eager to overstep any boundaries. I did have a lot of fun, though. I really want to try and make consistent efforts for my body and mental health to make it to praccy, but also to hang out afterwards. They're such fun people and I'm really getting to know them properly now that I go there more often and hang out. Also, everything hurts even more because I biked across town 4 times. UGH. I bike way more now than I used to because of my health. It's slowly becoming another positive habit, yay! But goddammit does my body crave my bed now. Djeezes...

I went to the review meeting and it all went smoothly. I have an appointment on the 11th to go to a government center for people like me who need some help starting up. I thought it would be dire to get into Starterslab, but it turns out it's a free choice kind of system. So I have to sit through the boring info sesh on the 11th, then say I pick Starterslab and then I have to survive the intake process. They'll grill and flambé me and I'll have to come up with hard facts and predictions of income and all that jazz. I'll really have to back up what I'm selling. So I guess all that horrible paperwork I put myself through won't be for nothing, ey?

In an hour I'll go to the tailor to get my body all measured up for the suit. My friends can't come, but it's cool. One of them even called to apologize. What a nice guy. It's probably going to be boring anyway. When the suits made and gets fitted on my person, that'll be a way more important day. Afterwards, I'll be working from home, doing paperwork I left lying around and tonight is the comedy night I organize. Hopefully, all goes well!

 

Recent highlight: The fun we had after the Krav Maga at the bar

Budget status: Ended the month in the black for both the household budget and my own. Yay!

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the rest of the day.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good 🙂 

-Make the bed - Got out of bed first, and my SO usually leaves it lying in chaos.

-Drink enough water - Nailed it yesterday and already had my first 3/10 of today. I drink water daily now, it seems; just not the whole 2 liters per day thing. Yet 😉 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to do it before I leave for the tailor.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Had some when out with the Krav Maga group. Might have a whiskey later today, I wanted to do it before the tailor's, but there's no time left to properly enjoy it. And I feel like you shouldn't just waste it, you need to take a moment for it.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes. Friday: Yes.

-Exercise once this week - Krav Maga was a murder on my muscles. Everything aches. I also did a lot this week by bike and there's crazy dancing planned for tomorrow night. So yay!

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Day 59. "Still sore."

I'm so excited for the suit. It's going to be a dark purple with a lighter shade of purple in the inside; the fabric under the collar will be flashy yellow because it's playful and matches the suit but it's so flashy so I had it put in a place where it won't stand out too much. I'll have a golden embroidering on the inside that says "Ikigai". I'm so fucking pumped.

I was really fucking tired yesterday. The biking around and the Krav Maga left my body in tatters. Sadly, in my quest to lose a bit of weight, I gave in to my cravings and had a big plate of pasta, some ice cream and indulged in some Japanese whisky. My weight keeps circling the 80 kilos but I'd prefer to be under it. I keep proper track of it now that I have a fancy weight scale. 

The comedy gig last night went great. I made about 90 bucks. It's slowly turning into a great passive income. I just use some connections, put some feelers out and attract comedians. The place was packed! Really happy with the turnout and the performances. I hope we can keep this going!

I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Now I'm fine, but I woke up with a bit of a swollen throat. I might be picking up the illness that my girl has been carrying. I'm pretty sure my immune system is a bit tougher than hers is right now, so I hope it just passes me by. I have a great party planned tonight and a big family thing tomorrow. The party tonight is one I have been looking forward to since November and it's the whole reason why I bought LED-shoes! So I really don't want to miss it. But I'll be out and about, drinking and dancing, so the morning after would be the ideal moment for the disease to strike! But tomorrow I have to go see my great-aunt. After the divorce the contact with my dad's side of the family kind of withered. But after grandma's death a year ago, things have been stirring about. She wants to see us. And maybe rekindle things? So it's kind of a big deal, I think. I don't want to get sick in any case.

 

Recent highlight: Picking out the fabrics and colors of my to be suit.

Budget status: The suit's deposit sets me back about 600. But I knew that in advance. My unemployment money came in though, so quick! Gotta love my union... So I guess money worries are kind of gone for a while now. Just gotta make it into the Starterslab program. I have an info session on the 11th that should get me an intake with Starterslab. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the party tonight without inviting the disease to take over my body because I'd like to have some semblance of good health tomorrow at my family's.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Nothing new under the sun.

-Make the bed - I seem to be the first one awake often, I slip out of bed and start my day and my SO shows up a few hours later.

-Drink enough water - Didn't exactly nail it yesterday XD But at the very least I drink water on the daily. So it's still an improvement.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday. Probably will do it in a bit after I shower and get ready to go shopping.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Indulged in Japanese Whiskey. I was so happy with the whole suit thing, I just had to.

-Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes. Friday: Yes. Saturday: Not yet, but I think I'll skip it because feeling lazy.

-Exercise once this week - Still sore from Krav Maga, but I should be able to make it to both practices next week. Also, still doing lots by bike. But damn am I sore!

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Day 61. "Raw."

Well, there's 29 days to go. I have a special Japanese bottle of tea in the fridge that I've been keeping for when I make it to 90 days. It suddenly seems so oddly within grasp. Though I'm less focused on the day to day stuff than making it to 90 days.

I had a pretty big conversation/discussion/fight with my SO last night. Because of her depression/burnout/whatever we should be calling it I feel weird. It's like I'm walking on eggshells, no longer able to speak my mind honestly out of fear of hurting her feelings. She's more sensitive and insecure because of her scrambled brain, of course. And she's also been more on edge. It's putting a lot of pressure on the relationship. But because of me swallowing my thought, feelings and words more often, I've been starting to feel a bit repressed. I eventually gave in and just told her everything. It was a long conversation that led us to both venting and nagging. I think it was healthy to put everything on the table. But I'm also quite sure that it messed her up. She's scared she no longer good enough for me or that the depression stuff will tear us apart or that I just live at a different speed as she does and she's afraid she's holding me back and that I'll either leave or she'll leave me out of guilt for seeming to hold me back. It's a bit of a mess. But you should be able to speak your mind in a relationship. I felt like I was stuck in a catch 22. If I'd tell her, it'd lead to a big thing because there's no way she'd shrug it off, not take it personally or be able to look at it for what it is instead of internalizing it. If I didn't tell her, I'd be losing a part of myself and sacrifice self-respect for keeping the peace and I'm not like that. 

We ended up admitting to having some issues with the way we do the housekeeping, the power dynamic, nagging, ... Like most couples, we're not perfect and we're still looking for our equilibrium, I think. For now, I just want to get through the month without big issues. We're not having a lot of sex because of her insecurities. I don't want to lose her. But I can't help but fantasize what would have happened to me or my life if I had not met her and lived the last year without her. Would I have been better off or not? Probably not, she's very kind, loving and supportive. But the thoughts still seep in and creep up.

Because of all of the stress, I had lots of issues starting my day normally. I still feel a bit raw after last night. Because of that: daydrinking. Something in me just snapped when I saw the mess she'd life in the kitchen and because I couldn't find the appliance I use to cut onions. It made me realize that I'm pretty angry or frustrated and tend to point to her first as the reason. I wonder where that anger comes from. I look forward to Krav Maga, but I'm thinking of booking a VR-session tomorrow afterwards. A new friend of mine has a business in the city centre and they have this cool gladiator like game. It seems like a great way to blow off some steam. But also Krav Maga seems like a great similar move. Maybe I should just leave it and not tempt myself with gateway stuff... I'm still a bit in dubio.

 

Recent highlight: Seeing some estranged family members on the weekend.

Budget status: SO paid what she owed me, I now am financially safe for while, it seems. Feeling good.

My one goal for the next 24h: Just do what I had planned to do today, mainly work stuff.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - All good.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning too.

-Drink enough water - Haven't had a drop yet, but I'm sure the thirst will kick in later.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I hope/assume I'll do it later today. Haven't even showered or groomed myself yet because of the whole self-destruction and stress thing...

-No daydrinking at home alone - Started drinking rather soon today... Maybe I should do the next 90 days without drinking?

-Meditation - Monday: No.

-Exercise once this week - Krav Maga tomorrow and maybe some intensive VR afterwards. I'll be super sore but I'll feel great.

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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I felt like I was stuck in a catch 22. If I'd tell her, it'd lead to a big thing because there's no way she'd shrug it off, not take it personally or be able to look at it for what it is instead of internalizing it. If I didn't tell her, I'd be losing a part of myself and sacrifice self-respect for keeping the peace and I'm not like that. 

I support you in making this choice. Sacrificing personal integrity never seems to be the answer in these cases.

5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Because of all of the stress, I had lots of issues starting my day normally. I still feel a bit raw after last night. Because of that: daydrinking. Something in me just snapped when I saw the mess she'd life in the kitchen and because I couldn't find the appliance I use to cut onions. It made me realize that I'm pretty angry or frustrated and tend to point to her first as the reason. I wonder where that anger comes from.

Notice these slips, but be happy that you have a diary you write in for such a long time, so you can compare between the good and the bad periods.

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8 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Because of that: daydrinking. Something in me just snapped when I saw the mess she'd life in the kitchen and because I couldn't find the appliance I use to cut onions. It made me realize that I'm pretty angry or frustrated and tend to point to her first as the reason. I wonder where that anger comes from

You take pride in having an orderly home and living situation. You have an issue with clutter due to stress and issues from your past as you've mentioned in multiple early journal entries from 2018 that I remember. It can be claustrophobic in a way and also make you think she might be lazy or not care. Sometimes when you've discussed it so often it can seem like a personal offense that she'd possibly leave things out because you've said you don't like that style of living. You mentioned this before when you were thinking of moving in with her. This is something she's going to have to improve or else it will be a thorn in your relationship. Unfortunately, when she's severely depressed she's not going to want to clean. The funny thing is cleaning gets me out of my head and I work my way out of my depression from a chain of events. Maybe that could help?

8 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

But because of me swallowing my thought, feelings and words more often, I've been starting to feel a bit repressed. I eventually gave in and just told her everything. It was a long conversation that led us to both venting and nagging. I think it was healthy to put everything on the table. But I'm also quite sure that it messed her up.

Be mindful of "messing her up" with the argument, but don't beat yourself up over it. As much as she's depressed, so are you in a way. You might not be as depressed as before, but remember how depression is the suppression of anger internally. The mind releases chemicals to hold back anger so you're not going insane. If you're holding in anger and frustration and feelings then you could end up back in a place where you don't want to be. 

Keep communication open. It's clear you're afraid to hurt her feelings especially where she's so vulnerable right now. She should see this as well, if not, keep conversation open with a clear initiation to conversation where she is aware you're not wanting to hurt her feelings, but want to just talk openly about issues.

You're in a tricky spot, but don't walk on egg shells. Keep up the good work and find a way to harmonize both of your thoughts and energy.

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Day 62. "Break up? Where'd she get that from?"

So I had a pretty messy day yesterday. I did manage to food prep and got a lot of work done in the afternoon/evening. I have a gig I'm trying to secure that involves me being a professional DM. Because of that I went to bed rather late last night. My SO has to get up rather early so I didn't want to keep her up. She went to bed at midnight and I about an hour later. I was on my PC a bit and then read a bit in the living room to calm my mind down and detox a bit from all of the screens. She was taken a bit by surprise by this. I usually go to bed earlier than her, or at the same time, read some and then go to sleep. I have this LED-reading light I use, but it's not exactly ideal. I figured it'd be better to just do it in the living room instead of next to her, she has to get up at 6:30 am. She was taken aback but I clarified that it was because I didn't want to bug her and she needs her sleep.

I got to bed a bit later and it turned out she was still awake, hadn't even slept at all. I wanted to spoon her, but she kept pushing me off. I gave her her space after she asked for it rather clearly. But obviously she was upset about something, her breathing was off and I thought I heard light sobbing. She had set a clear physical boundary minutes earlier, so I wasn't going to mess with that. And after trying to ask some smaller things like if she wanted to talk, would like some water, ... was met with short, stern answers. I kept wondering why this was happening, if I'd maybe done or said something wrong. I had no idea!

We've booked a two hour VR session later tonight. I hope to have a solid talk with her before we go. Also, I hope I don't lose control and enjoy it too much. I'd love to let off some steam and really get phyisical. But I also want to stay vigilant. I shouldn't be afraid of doing stuff like that, just being mindful is enough.

 

Recent highlight: Posting about being a Pro DM on Reddit and getting lots of responses.

Budget status: All good. I cancelled my weekly budget thing. It seems like for now it won't be necessary anymore.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to knock off as many things of my work list for today. There's a lot though.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Good!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Didn't drink yesterday, but I'll get my water bottle in a second when I move to the table.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday. And I'll probably do it today before I leave for the VR.

-No daydrinking at home alone - Nothing today.

-Meditation - Monday: No. Tuesday: Probably, but not yet.

-Exercise once this week - I'll probably skip Krav Maga in lieu of VR (dangerous, I know). I know myself and I'll probably bounce off the walls trying to do stuff so I'll dress sporty and bring deodorant. I'm really looking to exercise and play with my SO.

Edited by Phoenixking
The format was being wonky. 'Enter' skipped a whole section of text.

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