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Sashiku

The Person I want to be

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3 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

@Sashiku What I would recommend that the next thing to address it one thing, with which you feel good. And there are so many things you can do to take care of yourself. All of them have an influence. Some things I do for instance in the morning everyday since many weeks: Opening the windows for some fresh air after waking up, making my bed to feel good about some order in my life, make some nice coffee, a skin care and grooming routine (I actually watched a youtube channel of a male model to learn stuff xD), a warm shower in the morning. Really just the little things -> they can pile up and want you to do even more things. Try to explore, whatever excites you 🙂

Alrighty. I have a bad habit of getting online first thing in the morning, I mean, I am literally doing that right now. XD I just woke up a few minutes ago. I will try to start a morning routine like you suggested. I think that indeed may help.

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34 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I understand how you feel about your friendships. When I gave up alcohol a year and a half ago I lost almost ALL of my friends... not really because they didn't like me being sober but because I had been such a bastard to them while drinking that the shame was too much to stomach while sober. I'm also very slow to make new friends... I always get on with people but when it comes to actually finding people to spend time with outside of work or whatever... I just don't know how to make the first move. So you're not alone in that. We're still young in our new lives though and we'll find people that mesh with our new visions of ourselves.

First off, I want to congratulate you on making such a hard decision and doing your best to keep to it. My mother was an alcoholic and it was very difficult for her to quit but she did eventually. Thanks for the kind words, you are absolutely right, I will find friends, and so will you. It just may not be as quick as we'd like. I hope you have a lovely day!

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I can highly recommend a good morning routine! That's been a game changer for me. I am 100% not a morning person, but if I get up, do 10 reps of something, meditate, drink a cup of coffee and then take a cold shower my days go a lot better. 😄 Then you can open a computer afterwards.

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On 1/17/2020 at 9:49 AM, Sashiku said:

First off, I want to congratulate you on making such a hard decision and doing your best to keep to it. My mother was an alcoholic and it was very difficult for her to quit but she did eventually. Thanks for the kind words, you are absolutely right, I will find friends, and so will you. It just may not be as quick as we'd like. I hope you have a lovely day!

Hello, 

Thanks for your kind words about finding friends. I struggle to hold onto the hope that I'll find friends and a significant other someday too. But they'll come.

I read your post about feeling sad and lonely. That you cry sometimes in your grieving of two close friendships dissolving recently. I'm sorry to hear that. You aren't alone. I feel really depressed too sometimes and am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. That's schizophrenia/depression. I recently got on antidepressants and they helped a lot with depression and suicidal ideation. Maybe you can call your insurance company and ask about seeing a psychiatrist/therapist if you have the health insurance for it. 

I do a morning routine too. I pray, read affirmations and wash up. In the evenings I meditate and read the proverbs etc. I'm trying to get into doing a paper journal in addition to this and a paper schedule and google docs schedule. 

God bless you and help you especially with your feelings of loneliness

Erik

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9 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

 

Hello, 

Thanks for your kind words about finding friends. I struggle to hold onto the hope that I'll find friends and a significant other someday too. But they'll come.

I read your post about feeling sad and lonely. That you cry sometimes in your grieving of two close friendships dissolving recently. I'm sorry to hear that. You aren't alone. I feel really depressed too sometimes and am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. That's schizophrenia/depression. I recently got on antidepressants and they helped a lot with depression and suicidal ideation. Maybe you can call your insurance company and ask about seeing a psychiatrist/therapist if you have the health insurance for it. 

I do a morning routine too. I pray, read affirmations and wash up. In the evenings I meditate and read the proverbs etc. I'm trying to get into doing a paper journal in addition to this and a paper schedule and google docs schedule. 

God bless you and help you especially with your feelings of loneliness

Erik

You're very welcome. You're right, don't give up.

I need to go back to my psychologist for sure. I plan to do that asap. I have ADHD and Anxiety as well, though my anxiety isn't as bad as it was 2 years ago. I should definitely see about medications to help with this. I am glad the medication helped you, that's a great thing. 🙂

Ah, morning routines, I definitely need to work on that. I plan on getting together a schedule and trying my best to stick to it starting this week.

Thank you so much! We'll get through this! 😄

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I'm starting to feel better, though I feel bad also because I completely flaked on coming up with a lesson today for my personal development class. I was so upset, it's like my brain was functioning at 40% all week. Ugh. Why do I have to mess up so much?

Secondly, I have had dreams and thoughts about gaming. How easy it would be to just fall back into it because I still barely know how to deal with things like sadness and loneliness.

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"Using dreams" are a common occurrence with all addictions. They suck, but they're perfectly normal. I still wake up in a cold sweat after having a dream about getting drunk, wondering if I actually did drink the night before and then realizing I don't have a hangover. Lol. They'll always be there but they get much, much more infrequent.

And don't think of it in terms of "why do I always have to mess up so much". People make mistakes and we learn from them. You're doing great.

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Been bored lately. I REALLY wanted to play a game today and yesterday to stop the boredom. But, I have come up with a couple other ideas instead. I decided making a youtube channel would be fun. I could do speedpaints on it and maybe do some personal stuff like weight loss and some other hobby related stuff. I mean, better than being bored. Secondly, I took some suggestions from family and friends and have decided to do a calendar made up of drawings, a diff one for every month, also some drawings behind the calendar part itself, but very minimal like, dewdrops on leaves for spring, and snow for winter months. Summer, probably gonna do flowers and autumn, probably pumpkins or leaves.

I might charge a small fee (around $3-$5 per person) for the calendars since it costs to print them, and a lot of people seem to want them. I am also going to start up a comic. This could be a great way to spend the cold months. I just wanna enjoy my spare time.

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On 1/20/2020 at 11:26 AM, Sashiku said:

I'm starting to feel better, though I feel bad also because I completely flaked on coming up with a lesson today for my personal development class. I was so upset, it's like my brain was functioning at 40% all week. Ugh. Why do I have to mess up so much?

Secondly, I have had dreams and thoughts about gaming. How easy it would be to just fall back into it because I still barely know how to deal with things like sadness and loneliness.

The best way to deal with failure is to practice self-compassion. Beating yourself up over things has been scientifically proven to make it easier to justify doing the very thing you're beating yourself up over. Try to forgive yourself for messing up and resolve to do better next!

4 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Been bored lately. I REALLY wanted to play a game today and yesterday to stop the boredom. But, I have come up with a couple other ideas instead. I decided making a youtube channel would be fun. I could do speedpaints on it and maybe do some personal stuff like weight loss and some other hobby related stuff. I mean, better than being bored. Secondly, I took some suggestions from family and friends and have decided to do a calendar made up of drawings, a diff one for every month, also some drawings behind the calendar part itself, but very minimal like, dewdrops on leaves for spring, and snow for winter months. Summer, probably gonna do flowers and autumn, probably pumpkins or leaves.

I might charge a small fee (around $3-$5 per person) for the calendars since it costs to print them, and a lot of people seem to want them. I am also going to start up a comic. This could be a great way to spend the cold months. I just wanna enjoy my spare time.

This sounds like a great way to spend your time! Your drawings really are excellent, I'm quite impressed. 🙂 I think you need to give yourself much more credit for it.

By the way, I'm very impressed with how you handled yourself during your trip. You really deserve a lot of respect for that. That's a lot of abuse to take, especially from a loved one. And make no mistake, what your dad did to you is abuse, whether he'll accept that or not. For that matter, whether YOU'LL accept that or not. You are an amazing person and don't deserve to be treated like that.

Keep up the fight, you're doing great! I know it seems hard now but take it from me, it does get better. A lot better. You just gotta keep yourself moving in the right direction. 🙂

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5 hours ago, seriousjay said:

The best way to deal with failure is to practice self-compassion. Beating yourself up over things has been scientifically proven to make it easier to justify doing the very thing you're beating yourself up over. Try to forgive yourself for messing up and resolve to do better next!

This sounds like a great way to spend your time! Your drawings really are excellent, I'm quite impressed. 🙂 I think you need to give yourself much more credit for it.

By the way, I'm very impressed with how you handled yourself during your trip. You really deserve a lot of respect for that. That's a lot of abuse to take, especially from a loved one. And make no mistake, what your dad did to you is abuse, whether he'll accept that or not. For that matter, whether YOU'LL accept that or not. You are an amazing person and don't deserve to be treated like that.

Keep up the fight, you're doing great! I know it seems hard now but take it from me, it does get better. A lot better. You just gotta keep yourself moving in the right direction. 🙂

Indeed. I had a laugh at myself yesterday, I was not having a great day, the cab forgot to pick me up, the evil lady was working at walmart taht day, and then I forgot the milk after i had already checked out and called a cab, so I SPRINTED to the milk, jogged to checkout, and luckly, a lady helped me self checkout quickly. I just laughed. It was a sucky day, but hey, it coulda been so much worse. I think my positivity comes n goes. Negative people definitely put a damper on it. But hey, you're absolutely right. I come from a place of self hatred, and I am trying to get past that.

Thank you so much! 🙂

It is, and you're right again. It is abuse, and that is why I don't spend much time with him.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. ^-^ ❤️

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So, little update. I have been sleeping soooo much, but I got groceries Friday *see reply before this post for details lol* and I am generally ok. I will be uploading my first youtube video today! It's just  quick speedpaint... I just wanted to start doing SOMETHING that could help me with my boredom. Plus, I will definitely learn things from this experience. I am also working on a comic. I dunno when I will have a page ready, as I have to work on the calendar non stop next month, but soon! I just need to write down all the info first. OK OK! Now to the exciting bits! I have photos from my trip to Colorado! 😄 I will post them after this video gets done uploading. I can't do anything because my internet is garbage.

 

Edited by Sashiku
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1 hour ago, Jordan2020 said:

Well staying busy and finding things to do is great and all just don't let it become too much for you so you don't feel overwhelmed.

No worries. When I was gaming, I was constantly doing something. I have ADHD, and if I just sit here, I go a bit stir crazy. I think having so much to do, is great for me.

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God, I REALLY want to play a video game. I had to ask my friend to stop talking about the game she was playing because it's getting to me. Then I had a gaming dream, probably brought on by our convo.

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

I love your photos! Thanks for sharing!!!

 

Can I ask where you went in Colorado? It looks beautiful. 😊

^^ Thank you! I don't live there. 🙂 My sister does. I visited for Christmas. She lives in Grand Junction.

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Super nice pics of Colorado. I was wondering if you have any YouTube recommendations for getting better at drawing/drawing anime. 😄

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On 1/28/2020 at 7:11 PM, Sashiku said:

God, I REALLY want to play a video game. I had to ask my friend to stop talking about the game she was playing because it's getting to me. Then I had a gaming dream, probably brought on by our convo.

Don't do it. Read some of the progress diaries you've written about feeling good without gaming.

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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Don't do it. Read some of the progress diaries you've written about feeling good without gaming.

No worries. I didn't give in. 😆 Also I sorta re-found my love of dolls.

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So, I really wanted to game last night, but then I watched some videos on the environment, because I have had it on my mind a little and that really gave me motivation once again to keep going and reminded me WHY I am doing this. Also, today I started a petition for a cause I STRONGLY believe in. Here it is if you want to sign it: 
 

http://chng.it/W8RPfYbg

 

Edited by Sashiku
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Feeling very low. Will be 4 months in 3 days but I feel... awful. I feel like I will never get to be the person I want to be. I am so accustomed to sitting here staring at a computer screen and the lack of friends has been very hard. I'm lonely and I feel dejected. I spent my entire life in my room, even as a kid. I dunno if anybody knew that. But that alone makes getting out SO much harder. I don't know how to live any other way, so I feel like a rabbit trying desperately to be a cat. I hope things improve... or who knows what will happen.

My mom is also very very sick. SHe has a PICC line in and had a bad infection in her bones and had pneumonia. I am really worried for her, and honestly I am just sick of it all. I dunno why I am even trying anymore.

Edited by Sashiku
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I can totally relate to you. Even yesterday, I also was quite down, I wrote about it in my journal. But despite that, I will not give up. This is a process, a long way, and you should continue to follow this path. Don't give up! Here is the thing that could help you. You are afraid of outside. Afraid of the things, which are out there. They are outside of your comfort zone. I can relate to that. It is the same situation for me. But what I am doing is this. I don't just crash my comfort zone and reach the point, where it becomes scary. Those advices like: Go in a bar and approach ten strangers... They are bullshit. You should not do anything that is outside of your comfort zone. At least not, where things are scary. a651ec4346279fd73830c8dd4de6c8ae.jpg

People think that it is like this. But that is not correct. Instead, there are several layers surrounding your comfort zone. You should not tackle those layers, which are basically trivial, like ordering a croissant instead of a baguette at the backery, nether should you go out and ask ten strangers for their telephone number. You should focus on this area in between, where things are exciting. Something you are juuuust capable to do. For me right now is to go to fitness classes on a regular basis. This is already a win, since I am outside. Basically, just leaving your appartment and having the goal of trying to smile here and then. Or trying to add one additional sentence to your usual routine. Whatever it is, how small it might me. Try to do it until it is not out of your comfort zone anymore. Now you can build upon that. Layer by layer. Overall, there is only one thing that you should be afraid of: Being in the same situation, where you are now in one year. Slowly expand your comfort zone. Just like I am trying. It is possible. I am a true beliver of that. 🙂 And I believe in you!

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2 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Feeling very low. Will be 4 months in 3 days but I feel... awful. I feel like I will never get to be the person I want to be. I am so accustomed to sitting here staring at a computer screen and the lack of friends has been very hard. I'm lonely and I feel dejected. I spent my entire life in my room, even as a kid. I dunno if anybody knew that. But that alone makes getting out SO much harder. I don't know how to live any other way, so I feel like a rabbit trying desperately to be a cat. I hope things improve... or who knows what will happen.

My mom is also very very sick. SHe has a PICC line in and had a bad infection in her bones and had pneumonia. I am really worried for her, and honestly I am just sick of it all. I dunno why I am even trying anymore.

I'm sorry your mom is not feeling well. Maybe there is a way for you to find a place outside to spend time at and get used to being out of your room. You could go to a coffee shop and draw and just get free water if you don't want to buy coffee or food. I've found yoga studios to be very inviting for people with anxiety and discomfort leaving their homes. Maybe you're not a rabbit at all and not needing to be a cat. I think just experimenting around different hobbies and places can have you find out you're a dog and you weren't comfortable being a rabbit (you don't sound comfortable at the moment) and aren't meant to be a cat.

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