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Sashiku

The Person I want to be

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Shame is one of the most powerful emotions in the world. Instead of feeling ashamed and potentially directing it inwards towards yourself, use it as fuel to give you energy to achieve things you have your mind set on. I think you're doing a great job. Keep going.

Thank you. I will do my best.

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I woke up at 2am this morning and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. At about 3 I got up and was just feeling so determined to get some things done today. I dunno where this motivation came from but suddenly I just feel like I NEED to change things up. I watched a few videos about the PCT *Pacific Crest Trail* and a couple videos about RVing and even one about living as one with nature in a tiny little house under a mountain. I have this dream of being able to hike, camp, walk and do more outdoorsy things but I have always felt like I can't do it because I don't have any friends who are into it and everybody keeps telling me not to do it alone, but nobody offers to go with me, so I have decided, Today on, I am going to start making the great outdoors my main focus! I am going to start a new way of life because the one I am doing now isn't working for me and it just reminds me of all the things I'm walking away from. Right now I get up, check to see if anybody commented on my art, stare at my art, wishing somebody would care, then maybe eat and talk to friends, then kind of dilly-dally around the internet the rest of the day. I want to go outside, even if I am just going to take a walk, and I want to read an hour a day starting TODAY. I am not sure when to read yet though. Not before bed though, because starting anything before bed is a huge problem because of my hyperfocusing. I might read after lunch or maybe after my workout... Not sure yet. I might go check out a geocache some time this week, I have some chores I am promising myself to get done this week first though. I have high hopes for this, I am going to do my best to live my dreams, even if they seem foolish and impossible.

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On 12/9/2019 at 7:01 AM, Sashiku said:

I woke up at 2am this morning and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. At about 3 I got up and was just feeling so determined to get some things done today. I dunno where this motivation came from but suddenly I just feel like I NEED to change things up. I watched a few videos about the PCT *Pacific Crest Trail* and a couple videos about RVing and even one about living as one with nature in a tiny little house under a mountain. I have this dream of being able to hike, camp, walk and do more outdoorsy things but I have always felt like I can't do it because I don't have any friends who are into it and everybody keeps telling me not to do it alone, but nobody offers to go with me, so I have decided, Today on, I am going to start making the great outdoors my main focus! I am going to start a new way of life because the one I am doing now isn't working for me and it just reminds me of all the things I'm walking away from. Right now I get up, check to see if anybody commented on my art, stare at my art, wishing somebody would care, then maybe eat and talk to friends, then kind of dilly-dally around the internet the rest of the day. I want to go outside, even if I am just going to take a walk, and I want to read an hour a day starting TODAY. I am not sure when to read yet though. Not before bed though, because starting anything before bed is a huge problem because of my hyperfocusing. I might read after lunch or maybe after my workout... Not sure yet. I might go check out a geocache some time this week, I have some chores I am promising myself to get done this week first though. I have high hopes for this, I am going to do my best to live my dreams, even if they seem foolish and impossible.

I feel you with the desire for people to recognize your art. It's a reflection of our need to be recognized and loved by others, especially when we have a past issue loving ourselves. This journey to the outdoors for you could be your own path to recognizing and loving yourself more than before.  I hope it helps. I find once we enjoy ourselves more we attract more people because they feel your warmth as a person.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 12/10/2019 at 9:28 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I feel you with the desire for people to recognize your art. It's a reflection of our need to be recognized and loved by others, especially when we have a past issue loving ourselves. This journey to the outdoors for you could be your own path to recognizing and loving yourself more than before.  I hope it helps. I find once we enjoy ourselves more we attract more people because they feel your warmth as a person.

You're absolutely right. ? I think it will be good for me too, I need to learn to love myself more.

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Lately has been... bleh. I have felt sick for the past 4 days, not really able to eat anything again and feeling sick. I don't know what is going on with me. I told my dad I was feeling ill and he was like "You sure feel sick a lot, probably just allergies." I am pretty sure this is not allergies. My nose is fine, it's just my stomach. Also my Christmas plans have changed and instead of going home for Christmas, I said yes to going to my Sister's place in Colorado since I have never been and who knows when I will be able to go again. So, my nerves are on EDGE. I am so nervous that I will feel sick in Colorado or that I will be a burden or that it will be awkward. I am nothing like the other members of my family. ? I am the oddball, the strange one, the introvert in a family of extroverts.

The reason I said yes is partially because i want to see my sister, and partially because I want to seek discomfort. So... I am already uncomfortable and scared. I hope this goes well! I just want to spend time with my Sister and learn more about her since I barely see her once a year for around 12 years now.

I want to do this, even if my mind is screaming at me not to.

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4 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Lately has been... bleh. I have felt sick for the past 4 days, not really able to eat anything again and feeling sick. I don't know what is going on with me. I told my dad I was feeling ill and he was like "You sure feel sick a lot, probably just allergies." I am pretty sure this is not allergies. My nose is fine, it's just my stomach. Also my Christmas plans have changed and instead of going home for Christmas, I said yes to going to my Sister's place in Colorado since I have never been and who knows when I will be able to go again. So, my nerves are on EDGE. I am so nervous that I will feel sick in Colorado or that I will be a burden or that it will be awkward. I am nothing like the other members of my family. ? I am the oddball, the strange one, the introvert in a family of extroverts.

The reason I said yes is partially because i want to see my sister, and partially because I want to seek discomfort. So... I am already uncomfortable and scared. I hope this goes well! I just want to spend time with my Sister and learn more about her since I barely see her once a year for around 12 years now.

I want to do this, even if my mind is screaming at me not to.

Do you have irritable bowel syndrome? I have it and when I'm stressed I can only really eat basic foods or else I feel sick. It can go hand in hand with and also cause depression symptoms. I get kind of similar stomach issues. 

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On 12/16/2019 at 11:33 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Do you have irritable bowel syndrome? I have it and when I'm stressed I can only really eat basic foods or else I feel sick. It can go hand in hand with and also cause depression symptoms. I get kind of similar stomach issues. 

I'm going to get it checked out. My stomach feels bad a lot. Especially when stressed.

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Got home on Friday. I am still exhausted but I am happy for the most part. I had an AMAZING trip to Colorado to see my sister and I got to see lots of pretty views and even visit a hot spring!!! I will add some pictures here after I get a cord for my camera. I really enjoyed my stay and the whole time I got to eat delicious vegan food. I was pretty stressed a lot of the time though because my dad has a tendency to constantly pick out my flaws and tell me to change them. He even hates that I smile and laugh all the time. (Admittedly, I laugh very easily and sometimes even laugh to myself when thinking of silly things.) And don't even get me started how how he feels about my anxiety and my bad back. Still, he was kind enough to pay for half my ticket and my sister paid for the other half. I don't have much money so there was no way I could afford it myself.

Our trip there was smooth and easy but our trip back was not so smooth. We ended up flying in circles around Dallas because the storms were so bad that we couldn't land. Our pilot diverted us to a little town called Abilene in Texas and we sat there for the next hour or so in the plane while we waited for safe passage to Dallas. I also found out via texting my aunt that tornado sirens were going off in Oklahoma where she lived, they were at my Moms too. I told them both to be safe and then the time came to head to Dallas an hour and a half after we landed. So, I turned off my phone and buckled myself in for the flight.

We taxi... taxied? Is that the word? Anyway, we were taxied to the runway and it was taking forever for them to take off, and suddenly, we were taxied BACK to the airport! The captain came on saying that the crew had expired and we would be escorted off the plane and into the Abilene airport by the airport staff. So, we crossed the lot and went inside. EVERYBODY was hungry, it was well past 4pm by then and we had missed our flight. Luckily dad said there was one at 6. People were lining up for the vending machines and so did I. I got me and my dad a soda (I actually got tea) and bag of chips each. Another hour and half or so later and Dad knew we wouldn't make the 6 o'clock flight. We boarded shortly after that and the captain had the all clear for a time extension. We all boarded and finally we took off. We arrived at the Dallas airport at 7:45 and RUSHED to the gate for the 8 o'clock flight. By this time, I was EXHAUSTED, I had bags under my eyes and I could only open them about half way. We had been up since 6:30 and traveling since 9am. We got to the airport in Oklahoma at about 9:45 and took a lift or whatever it's called to dad's truck. We got home at 11pm, ate some mcdonalds that they hilariously messed up on (I asked for a regular hamburger and they gave me a mc chicken... but it was LITERALLy just two buns and a piece of chicken. NO mayo, NO lettuce, NOTHING. Just a dry ass sandwich with nothing it. LOL) So, I chopped up the ingredients myself ate, and then crashed at about 12.

The next morning, I wake up, feeling pretty groggy and jetlagged. Dad seems to be in a really bad mood. I go about my morning, eat some breakfast and do my exercise routine. Him and I had discussed taking me back to Moms on Sunday for new years and today is Sunday so he asks me what I want to do so I say "Yea, I'll go today." Because we had already discussed it and I thought nothing of it. He is VISIBLY pissed off. He chews me out for wanting to go to Moms and the fact my sister told me it's ok to share photos with my Mom. (Her and my mom don't speak, something happened between them and now my sister hates her and has avoided her for years.) Dad wasn't having any of it. He yelled at me for wanting to go to Moms SO badly and that I was causing drama by talking with my sister about it. We got in the truck and I was crying so hard that I had forgotten the gifts I got for Christmas. Dad went back and drove like a maniac to get them for me, which he reluctantly did and said I would have to get them when I come over next time. So we are in the car and he continues to yell at me for a while, I just sit there crying and then we are silent the rest of the drive. When we get there, he throws all my stuff onto moms porch, I get out and he says "have a good day" from the truck window and leaves immediately. I tell mom I need a moment alone and I go out into the pasture and BAWL. That was a really hard day for me.

Luckly, Dad sent an apology the next day and said he was proud of me for how well I handled the delayed flight. He said I didn't complain once. I love my dad, and I am very grateful for the fact he paid for half my ticket, I just wish we could get along better. He and I are exact opposites. 😕 I'm open minded and he's extremely conservative.

Aside from that, I'm home now and I rested for 2 and a half days but now I really need to clean my apartment because I have an inspection in 3 days. x_x WHY ALWAYS AFTER THE HOLIDAY?! DX

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5 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Got home on Friday. I am still exhausted but I am happy for the most part. I had an AMAZING trip to Colorado to see my sister and I got to see lots of pretty views and even visit a hot spring!!! I will add some pictures here after I get a cord for my camera. I really enjoyed my stay and the whole time I got to eat delicious vegan food. I was pretty stressed a lot of the time though because my dad has a tendency to constantly pick out my flaws and tell me to change them. He even hates that I smile and laugh all the time. (Admittedly, I laugh very easily and sometimes even laugh to myself when thinking of silly things.) And don't even get me started how how he feels about my anxiety and my bad back. Still, he was kind enough to pay for half my ticket and my sister paid for the other half. I don't have much money so there was no way I could afford it myself.

Our trip there was smooth and easy but our trip back was not so smooth. We ended up flying in circles around Dallas because the storms were so bad that we couldn't land. Our pilot diverted us to a little town called Abilene in Texas and we sat there for the next hour or so in the plane while we waited for safe passage to Dallas. I also found out via texting my aunt that tornado sirens were going off in Oklahoma where she lived, they were at my Moms too. I told them both to be safe and then the time came to head to Dallas an hour and a half after we landed. So, I turned off my phone and buckled myself in for the flight.

We taxi... taxied? Is that the word? Anyway, we were taxied to the runway and it was taking forever for them to take off, and suddenly, we were taxied BACK to the airport! The captain came on saying that the crew had expired and we would be escorted off the plane and into the Abilene airport by the airport staff. So, we crossed the lot and went inside. EVERYBODY was hungry, it was well past 4pm by then and we had missed our flight. Luckily dad said there was one at 6. People were lining up for the vending machines and so did I. I got me and my dad a soda (I actually got tea) and bag of chips each. Another hour and half or so later and Dad knew we wouldn't make the 6 o'clock flight. We boarded shortly after that and the captain had the all clear for a time extension. We all boarded and finally we took off. We arrived at the Dallas airport at 7:45 and RUSHED to the gate for the 8 o'clock flight. By this time, I was EXHAUSTED, I had bags under my eyes and I could only open them about half way. We had been up since 6:30 and traveling since 9am. We got to the airport in Oklahoma at about 9:45 and took a lift or whatever it's called to dad's truck. We got home at 11pm, ate some mcdonalds that they hilariously messed up on (I asked for a regular hamburger and they gave me a mc chicken... but it was LITERALLy just two buns and a piece of chicken. NO mayo, NO lettuce, NOTHING. Just a dry ass sandwich with nothing it. LOL) So, I chopped up the ingredients myself ate, and then crashed at about 12.

The next morning, I wake up, feeling pretty groggy and jetlagged. Dad seems to be in a really bad mood. I go about my morning, eat some breakfast and do my exercise routine. Him and I had discussed taking me back to Moms on Sunday for new years and today is Sunday so he asks me what I want to do so I say "Yea, I'll go today." Because we had already discussed it and I thought nothing of it. He is VISIBLY pissed off. He chews me out for wanting to go to Moms and the fact my sister told me it's ok to share photos with my Mom. (Her and my mom don't speak, something happened between them and now my sister hates her and has avoided her for years.) Dad wasn't having any of it. He yelled at me for wanting to go to Moms SO badly and that I was causing drama by talking with my sister about it. We got in the truck and I was crying so hard that I had forgotten the gifts I got for Christmas. Dad went back and drove like a maniac to get them for me, which he reluctantly did and said I would have to get them when I come over next time. So we are in the car and he continues to yell at me for a while, I just sit there crying and then we are silent the rest of the drive. When we get there, he throws all my stuff onto moms porch, I get out and he says "have a good day" from the truck window and leaves immediately. I tell mom I need a moment alone and I go out into the pasture and BAWL. That was a really hard day for me.

Luckly, Dad sent an apology the next day and said he was proud of me for how well I handled the delayed flight. He said I didn't complain once. I love my dad, and I am very grateful for the fact he paid for half my ticket, I just wish we could get along better. He and I are exact opposites. 😕 I'm open minded and he's extremely conservative.

Aside from that, I'm home now and I rested for 2 and a half days but now I really need to clean my apartment because I have an inspection in 3 days. x_x WHY ALWAYS AFTER THE HOLIDAY?! DX

I'm so sorry he yelled at you. I can tell you are a kind soul because you did not yell back. It stinks that he did not apologize for his actions more thoroughly or commend you for how you handled him, just the delayed flight. He seems very stubborn and unwilling to compromise. I'm not sure what happened to ruin the relationship with the family, but it doesn't seem like your fault and you don't appear to be meddling and disrespecting anyone. The good news is you have your space. I remember my mom yelling at me once as a child and it was a very bad mistake. I'm the kind of person that requires civilized communication even at the worst of times or best of times. Loudness and irrationality is not how you solve an argument or problem unless you're trying to intimidate someone and subject them through fear. Logic, communication, and attention is the correct way. I commend you for not unleashing on him.

I hope you can find some peace during these next few days. Take some time to do some yoga or meditate and relax. The stress of this whole trip might have converse effects on your stomach (I think you and I have both the same stomach issue and fears). I'm just assuming. Plain foods and some water for sure. 

Your laughter and smiling is a beautiful thing. Happiness is something I cherish so much and sometimes find the greatest difficulty achieving. Never take your happiness and laughter for granted. Be proud of it and let that be a constant source of energy and positivity in your life.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm so sorry he yelled at you. I can tell you are a kind soul because you did not yell back. It stinks that he did not apologize for his actions more thoroughly or commend you for how you handled him, just the delayed flight. He seems very stubborn and unwilling to compromise. I'm not sure what happened to ruin the relationship with the family, but it doesn't seem like your fault and you don't appear to be meddling and disrespecting anyone. The good news is you have your space. I remember my mom yelling at me once as a child and it was a very bad mistake. I'm the kind of person that requires civilized communication even at the worst of times or best of times. Loudness and irrationality is not how you solve an argument or problem unless you're trying to intimidate someone and subject them through fear. Logic, communication, and attention is the correct way. I commend you for not unleashing on him.

I hope you can find some peace during these next few days. Take some time to do some yoga or meditate and relax. The stress of this whole trip might have converse effects on your stomach (I think you and I have both the same stomach issue and fears). I'm just assuming. Plain foods and some water for sure. 

Your laughter and smiling is a beautiful thing. Happiness is something I cherish so much and sometimes find the greatest difficulty achieving. Never take your happiness and laughter for granted. Be proud of it and let that be a constant source of energy and positivity in your life.

I did yell at him once. I said JEEZ DAD! But no, I don't really have much of a temper unless it's something that has happened one too many times. I mostly just cry when I'm angry anyway. There was so much yelling in my childhood that I am really sensitive to it. Even something raising their voice a little makes me uncomfortable unless the situation calls for it (like in a loud place like a concert). I definitely agree, talking calmly is best, though I admit that I am not great at that either. I'd rather just avoid confrontation.

Thanks, I have relaxed a bit but my apartment is a huge mess because when I was gaming.. I rarely cleaned. So I have like 5 months of mess to catch up on. *sigh* Cleaning has never been something I liked doing, but I am going to focus on ways to minimize the messes, IE: putting all my plates away except for 3, same with my cups and bowls. Then they can't pile up so easy. As for the stomach stuff, YES. I had a stomach ache today but I'm alright. I think you're right on that.

Your last paragraph made me a little teary eyed. I'm grateful for your kindness, I don't even know what to say, I'm speechless. ❤️ 🙂

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Also, I forgot to say, still no games. Will be 3 months on the 11th. I have used a couple dressup games but I use those for character design. I take the character I made and use that as a rough idea, then I make changes and draw the character with some of the attributes from the game. Never exact, but just used as a rough idea base. So therefore I don't think they count. I have only used them once in a while and never for very long as they're kinda boring. Also I never allow myself to just sit there and play around with it. I do what I need to then get off.

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I have news!

First off, My apartment is CLEAN AS HECK! I cleaned it for 2 days straight plus a bit on each day all week. I was so tired afterwards but my god it looks so great in here. 😸 My laundry is HORRIBLE but I am gonna wait till the weekend cause my sore muscles need a days break. But yea, my laundry is like, my entire closet full. Jeez. Gaming made me a lazy bun! I will keep up with it from now on I think. If I can clean my ENTIRE apartment by myself now, HECK YES I CAN DO THIS!

Second news, I have been really bored lately. I have had some cravings to game but didn't give in. While I was taking short breaks to clean, I was having fun sorting all my doll related items back into their bins and even played with them just a little. I have always loved dolls, just like my Grandma and Granny. I sat down yesterday after an exhausting day of cleaning and realized... I have money in the bank plus a gift card for grocery shopping. So, I decided to blow all of it... *I know, not super smart but hear me out!* and buy something I have been wanting for almost 7 years now. I never thought I'd have the money for it and I know I spent money I really should have saved, but I can't find the will to regret it. I am so excited! I bought a high dollar doll! Here she is:
https://eluts.com/product/zuzu-delf-chu/3172/category/80/

Absolutely NO regrets.

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3 hours ago, Sashiku said:

I have news!

First off, My apartment is CLEAN AS HECK! I cleaned it for 2 days straight plus a bit on each day all week. I was so tired afterwards but my god it looks so great in here. 😸 My laundry is HORRIBLE but I am gonna wait till the weekend cause my sore muscles need a days break. But yea, my laundry is like, my entire closet full. Jeez. Gaming made me a lazy bun! I will keep up with it from now on I think. If I can clean my ENTIRE apartment by myself now, HECK YES I CAN DO THIS!

Second news, I have been really bored lately. I have had some cravings to game but didn't give in. While I was taking short breaks to clean, I was having fun sorting all my doll related items back into their bins and even played with them just a little. I have always loved dolls, just like my Grandma and Granny. I sat down yesterday after an exhausting day of cleaning and realized... I have money in the bank plus a gift card for grocery shopping. So, I decided to blow all of it... *I know, not super smart but hear me out!* and buy something I have been wanting for almost 7 years now. I never thought I'd have the money for it and I know I spent money I really should have saved, but I can't find the will to regret it. I am so excited! I bought a high dollar doll! Here she is:
https://eluts.com/product/zuzu-delf-chu/3172/category/80/

Absolutely NO regrets.

Good job cleaning your apartment. This is something that I generally do once per week now. I have a monthly super clean where I mop, vaccuum, organize, windex all surfaces and windows. Typically once per week I'll vacuum and pick stuff up and keep it organized. Laundry I do biweekly on Sunday.

Good job not gaming. It's nice that you got your doll. I buy hockey jerseys from time to time. It doesn't serve a purpose in life, but I enjoy them so who cares? Just make sure you're saving enough, etc.

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Good job cleaning your apartment. This is something that I generally do once per week now. I have a monthly super clean where I mop, vaccuum, organize, windex all surfaces and windows. Typically once per week I'll vacuum and pick stuff up and keep it organized. Laundry I do biweekly on Sunday.

Good job not gaming. It's nice that you got your doll. I buy hockey jerseys from time to time. It doesn't serve a purpose in life, but I enjoy them so who cares? Just make sure you're saving enough, etc.

Thanks! Yea, I intend to apply daily chores into my schedule and a monthly deep cleaning day or two. My ADHD is horrible so if I need 2 days to finish it, I will go ahead and allow it instead of getting down on myself for failing. I will probably do laundry bi-weekly after I catch up.

Thanks again. ^^ Cool. I guess everybody has hobbies. Yea, I still have money in the bank, plus the gift card, just not enough to buy any other wants which i am fine with. I have also made a deal with me that since I got my doll, I can't buy any other wants till March or April.

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25 minutes ago, Sashiku said:

Thanks! Yea, I intend to apply daily chores into my schedule and a monthly deep cleaning day or two. My ADHD is horrible so if I need 2 days to finish it, I will go ahead and allow it instead of getting down on myself for failing. I will probably do laundry bi-weekly after I catch up.

Thanks again. ^^ Cool. I guess everybody has hobbies. Yea, I still have money in the bank, plus the gift card, just not enough to buy any other wants which i am fine with. I have also made a deal with me that since I got my doll, I can't buy any other wants till March or April.

I also watch a lot of hockey. The intermissions between periods are 15 minutes long. You'd be surprised how much you can clean or do in 15 minutes. I sprint through my chores during those timelines lol.

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4 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also watch a lot of hockey. The intermissions between periods are 15 minutes long. You'd be surprised how much you can clean or do in 15 minutes. I sprint through my chores during those timelines lol.

Cool. 🙂 I never watched much hockey, but I'm not really into sports, unless you consider swimming a sport. 😛 Sounds like it works for you though and that's really good! ^^

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I have been really down lately. Seems like every night I stay up half the night crying. I am so lonely. I went from 4 best friends to 2. I also lost most of my other friends, and honestly, after losing my ex best friend, I don't know how to proceed. I am just in so much pain lately. I spent half of my life being her friend, I don't know how to do this on my own. I am not very good at making friends and I feel like I will never make more friends to fill the void in my heart. I don't like being alone, it's one of my worst fears. I have always known somewhere in the back of my mind that everyone would abandon me and that I would end up leaving some of them too. Yet here I am, broken.

 

I drew these to get my emotions out:

 

Where_did_you_all_go.png

This one is about the types of people I have lost, it isn't done yet: v

Goodbye.png

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Hey, right now I want to strech myself a bit out and look into, what other people in this forum are doing here. So often, it is relatable to my own life. It may seem like it is all wrong and it is hurtful, but it is the right way to go. I also often cried, sometimes out of joy due to my improvements, sometimes out of the pure sadness of missing out so much in my life. And it always sucks to loose people, you had a good connection to. That being sad, lets get some things straight:

1. If not gaming together causes the "friendship" to break, it is not real friendship. So why cry because of it? Real friends, who go through good and bad times with you; they are rare. You only want to focus on them. Even if only one friend will be left, it is even better than having 10 fake friends.

2. Online friendships are not as rewarding as real life friendships. There is no physical touch, no looking each other into the eyes. Not this feeling of real togetherness. Some perceptual stimuli are just missing. So I would always prefer real life friendships.

3. If you are saying that you are bad at making friendships, guess what: You can become better at it. It is a skill! Feeling socially anxious? There are techniques to help you. No idea, how small talk works? I know that feeling. There is also stuff that can work for you. For me the website socialpronow.com has been real useful. It offers a completely free social training with email newsletters. You have nothing to loose! Maybe it also helps you. It immediately had an impact on my life and even resulted in a real life date. Thats crazy. Never thought that this was possible. So maybe check it out. And if not, there are so many informative tools in the internet to start learning it. Just typing in how to improve small talk. It gives you thousands of search results in a fraction of seconds.

4. There is a reason, why we feel uneasiness and pain: It is the only way to grow. If you are somewhere, where you have never been before, it will "hurt". This is where you have to keep pushing. I like the gym analogy: Muscle growth literally only happens the moment, where you are going too far. Where you have trouble to lift. You again and again try to cause this "overload". Then you rest a bit. It is the same with every area in life. If you are somewhere new, you will probably fail. Good! Keep failing! At some point you won't fail anymore. 🙂

5. You are closer then ever to break through and amaze everyone. One year ago, I used pain and bad feelings about my whole life to start changing my diet. Later, I started working on my discipline, quit gaming and other stuff. The results are amazing. But it all started with this bad feeling over one year ago. But instead of feeling pity and just gaming I started to look into the far away horizon and started to change my life. Like drastically! Might not be for everyone. But yeah. Your succes is closer than you think right now.

6. You are already someone else. The amount of decisions you made are insane. You are getting better and better. But your identity already changed: You are not a gamer anymore. You are someone entirely else. Very logical that some of your old friends don't want to be friends with you anymore, because you are someone else. They don't know you anymore. And chances are that they are jealous because of the things that you did and they are not capable of. If you want to go back to your old life and have your old friends back than start feeling pity for yourself. However, if you want to embrace your new YOU  than start to become really that butterfly that you almost are. Just start flying and live your life. Maybe even feel pity for you old friends, because they still are not there, where you are. 

7. This is like the Sims. You just made some changes to this one character. Take care of you the same way you would take care of a sims character or basically your pet or any other person. If you have a dog, what do you do? You give him good food, you provide him fresh air everyday. You play with him and even if he is sick, you will go to the doctor and if necessary, force that piece of medication into his mouth. Why not treat yourself the same way: Good food, clean appartment (like you are already doing), real social life contacts, a positive attitude and a not giving up mentality. 

8. You are incredibly talented with drawing 😮 

Take care. 🙂 

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12 hours ago, Sashiku said:

I have been really down lately. Seems like every night I stay up half the night crying. I am so lonely. I went from 4 best friends to 2. I also lost most of my other friends, and honestly, after losing my ex best friend, I don't know how to proceed. I am just in so much pain lately. I spent half of my life being her friend, I don't know how to do this on my own. I am not very good at making friends and I feel like I will never make more friends to fill the void in my heart. I don't like being alone, it's one of my worst fears. I have always known somewhere in the back of my mind that everyone would abandon me and that I would end up leaving some of them too. Yet here I am, broken.

 

I drew these to get my emotions out:

 

Where_did_you_all_go.png

This one is about the types of people I have lost, it isn't done yet: v

Goodbye.png

It's ok and it's also common what you're feeling right now. When you leave these communities and worlds of gaming and online sanctuaries it's so easy for these people to feel abandoned by you. Every friend I've ever made from the video games I've played over the past 16 years has abandoned me. None of them keep in contact with me anymore. I haven't played RuneScape in almost 1.5 years and none of them message me on discord anymore. I was their clan leader and introduced them all to each other. I was in voice chats with them for 6-12 hours a day and they don't even say hi to me or wish me a merry christmas. It's stupid.

It goes to show you deserve better. You're going to keep going through waves of friends throughout life. When this happens it's just important to hold onto the positive memories you have with them and move forward.

Because you had friends that meant this much to you then you know you'll make even better friends in the new life you're pursuing. It won't happen immediately, but you will. I've met so many better friends in real life since quitting gaming and I feel like a new human. 

I know it hurts that they're not in your life anymore. It's such a close impact to your heart. You have to look back and just choose to hold on to the good memories and learn from both the good and the bad memories. I've learned these kinds of friends aren't worth being sentimental over and it's not worth thinking about them so close to your heart. It's just going to weigh you down. You're going to meet better people, I promise you that.

Great drawings, by the way! You have a fun art style and I think it reflects on your positive personality.

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10 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Hey, right now I want to strech myself a bit out and look into, what other people in this forum are doing here. So often, it is relatable to my own life. It may seem like it is all wrong and it is hurtful, but it is the right way to go. I also often cried, sometimes out of joy due to my improvements, sometimes out of the pure sadness of missing out so much in my life. And it always sucks to loose people, you had a good connection to. That being sad, lets get some things straight:

1. If not gaming together causes the "friendship" to break, it is not real friendship. So why cry because of it? Real friends, who go through good and bad times with you; they are rare. You only want to focus on them. Even if only one friend will be left, it is even better than having 10 fake friends.

2. Online friendships are not as rewarding as real life friendships. There is no physical touch, no looking each other into the eyes. Not this feeling of real togetherness. Some perceptual stimuli are just missing. So I would always prefer real life friendships.

3. If you are saying that you are bad at making friendships, guess what: You can become better at it. It is a skill! Feeling socially anxious? There are techniques to help you. No idea, how small talk works? I know that feeling. There is also stuff that can work for you. For me the website socialpronow.com has been real useful. It offers a completely free social training with email newsletters. You have nothing to loose! Maybe it also helps you. It immediately had an impact on my life and even resulted in a real life date. Thats crazy. Never thought that this was possible. So maybe check it out. And if not, there are so many informative tools in the internet to start learning it. Just typing in how to improve small talk. It gives you thousands of search results in a fraction of seconds.

4. There is a reason, why we feel uneasiness and pain: It is the only way to grow. If you are somewhere, where you have never been before, it will "hurt". This is where you have to keep pushing. I like the gym analogy: Muscle growth literally only happens the moment, where you are going too far. Where you have trouble to lift. You again and again try to cause this "overload". Then you rest a bit. It is the same with every area in life. If you are somewhere new, you will probably fail. Good! Keep failing! At some point you won't fail anymore. 🙂

5. You are closer then ever to break through and amaze everyone. One year ago, I used pain and bad feelings about my whole life to start changing my diet. Later, I started working on my discipline, quit gaming and other stuff. The results are amazing. But it all started with this bad feeling over one year ago. But instead of feeling pity and just gaming I started to look into the far away horizon and started to change my life. Like drastically! Might not be for everyone. But yeah. Your succes is closer than you think right now.

6. You are already someone else. The amount of decisions you made are insane. You are getting better and better. But your identity already changed: You are not a gamer anymore. You are someone entirely else. Very logical that some of your old friends don't want to be friends with you anymore, because you are someone else. They don't know you anymore. And chances are that they are jealous because of the things that you did and they are not capable of. If you want to go back to your old life and have your old friends back than start feeling pity for yourself. However, if you want to embrace your new YOU  than start to become really that butterfly that you almost are. Just start flying and live your life. Maybe even feel pity for you old friends, because they still are not there, where you are. 

7. This is like the Sims. You just made some changes to this one character. Take care of you the same way you would take care of a sims character or basically your pet or any other person. If you have a dog, what do you do? You give him good food, you provide him fresh air everyday. You play with him and even if he is sick, you will go to the doctor and if necessary, force that piece of medication into his mouth. Why not treat yourself the same way: Good food, clean appartment (like you are already doing), real social life contacts, a positive attitude and a not giving up mentality. 

8. You are incredibly talented with drawing 😮 

Take care. 🙂 

Everything you said makes so much sense. Let me go over each area and tell you my thoughts.

1. You are absolutely right. My friendships have been not so great for years. I knew this day would come. and I even kind of wanted it to, still, 17 years of knowing somebody is a really long time. I met her before gaming, the other person I was friends with for 7 years and I met her online. I just am not used to being without them, you know? I do want to move on though.

2. True. I lost contact with online people quite easily.

3. I will give that website a try. I also just want to be more positive.

4. Once again you are quite right. Once I get past the grieving stage, I will stand back up and keep going and learning and pushing myself. I didn't grieve at all the first month and a half. I just started grieving last week a little and then the past two days have been full of tears and mourning the loss of my friendships. Failing is a little scary to me, but not nearly as much as it used to be. I used to be terrified of failing. I'm not now though. It's how we learn.

5. Thanks. My life has been changing constantly for the past 2 years. Sometimes it gets a little overwhelming that I have changed so much yet I have so far to go. Congrats on the changes you made as well. It isn't easy.

6. I am someone else. And I REFUSE to go back to gaming. I can't go back now, there is nothing for me there. I know now that it's all a fantasy and the only way I am going to be happy is if I keep going toward my goals and dreams.

7. I have always struggled taking care of myself. I'm legally blind so things are a little harder for me but even so, I wasn't really taught how to do a lot of things growing up. Everyone in the family says I'm 38 and I should know how to do all of this and I can't make excuses for it. I HONESTLY struggle SO hard. Nobody understands at all. THIS is the one thing I am  hardest on myself for. I get so overwhelmed with what I need to do and it just feels like climbing a mountain sometimes.

8. Thank you so much. 🙂

I cried when I read this, you have a way with words and I can easily see the points you have made. Thanks for taking time to read and reply.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's ok and it's also common what you're feeling right now. When you leave these communities and worlds of gaming and online sanctuaries it's so easy for these people to feel abandoned by you. Every friend I've ever made from the video games I've played over the past 16 years has abandoned me. None of them keep in contact with me anymore. I haven't played RuneScape in almost 1.5 years and none of them message me on discord anymore. I was their clan leader and introduced them all to each other. I was in voice chats with them for 6-12 hours a day and they don't even say hi to me or wish me a merry christmas. It's stupid.

It goes to show you deserve better. You're going to keep going through waves of friends throughout life. When this happens it's just important to hold onto the positive memories you have with them and move forward.

Because you had friends that meant this much to you then you know you'll make even better friends in the new life you're pursuing. It won't happen immediately, but you will. I've met so many better friends in real life since quitting gaming and I feel like a new human. 

I know it hurts that they're not in your life anymore. It's such a close impact to your heart. You have to look back and just choose to hold on to the good memories and learn from both the good and the bad memories. I've learned these kinds of friends aren't worth being sentimental over and it's not worth thinking about them so close to your heart. It's just going to weigh you down. You're going to meet better people, I promise you that.

Great drawings, by the way! You have a fun art style and I think it reflects on your positive personality.

You know, you're right. I will make more in time. I already made one, you. Thanks so much for being around to hear me out and show support.

Yea, I made a journal of good memories, I put all the images and things in a folder and zipped it. Gonna put it on a flash drive for now and keep it out of sight. Yea, I know it's weighing me down heavily right now, but I think I will be ok after I finish grieving.

Thanks! I like to draw, glad you like them. Me, positive? Haha. My aunt just told me I'm negative a few hours ago and that my negativity weighs people down. Funny huh? Then again, she barely knows me.

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7 minutes ago, Sashiku said:

You know, you're right. I will make more in time. I already made one, you. Thanks so much for being around to hear me out and show support.

Yea, I made a journal of good memories, I put all the images and things in a folder and zipped it. Gonna put it on a flash drive for now and keep it out of sight. Yea, I know it's weighing me down heavily right now, but I think I will be ok after I finish grieving.

Thanks! I like to draw, glad you like them. Me, positive? Haha. My aunt just told me I'm negative a few hours ago and that my negativity weighs people down. Funny huh? Then again, she barely knows me.

I think you're super positive and filled with pure and happy energy! Keep your spirits high! You're making great progress. I'm glad to support you and thanks for providing support to me. 

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2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think you're super positive and filled with pure and happy energy! Keep your spirits high! You're making great progress. I'm glad to support you and thanks for providing support to me. 

Thank you and I'm happy to do it. That's what friends do. 🙂

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@Sashiku What I would recommend that the next thing to address it one thing, with which you feel good. And there are so many things you can do to take care of yourself. All of them have an influence. Some things I do for instance in the morning everyday since many weeks: Opening the windows for some fresh air after waking up, making my bed to feel good about some order in my life, make some nice coffee, a skin care and grooming routine (I actually watched a youtube channel of a male model to learn stuff xD), a warm shower in the morning. Really just the little things -> they can pile up and want you to do even more things. Try to explore, whatever excites you 🙂

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I understand how you feel about your friendships. When I gave up alcohol a year and a half ago I lost almost ALL of my friends... not really because they didn't like me being sober but because I had been such a bastard to them while drinking that the shame was too much to stomach while sober. I'm also very slow to make new friends... I always get on with people but when it comes to actually finding people to spend time with outside of work or whatever... I just don't know how to make the first move. So you're not alone in that. We're still young in our new lives though and we'll find people that mesh with our new visions of ourselves.

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