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Sashiku

The Person I want to be

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So, I moved here to Kansas a little over a year ago and It's been one of the best years of my life. I am going places and doing things, but not as often as I want. Still, compared to last year, I am doing great. Still, I have my share of problems, those problems mostly stemming from gaming.

I want to lay this out for you carefully and precisely so you can get an idea of where I am now, so here I go.

I played video games 24/7 or around 7-8 years. They helped me escape from the constant drama, insanity and emotional abuse that surrounded me. I kept playing them after I moved, I thought I wanted to quit once a little while back, but that only lasted a day. I just wasn't ready to crawl out of my safe bubble yet. Even before I used gaming to escape, I used other things to escape. I was isolated for 90% of my life and had always had that safe space where I could disconnect from reality. Firstly by imagination. In my youngest days, I used imagination to take me to other worlds where I could forget everything, even just for a little while. Later on, drawing became my escape, then reading and finally, gaming. Gaming was the best escape because it required little effort and took me to new worlds and showed me things I longed to see in the real world. As a person who is considered blind, meaning my vision is poor enough that it doesn't really count, I have always had the desire to explore, travel and go on adventures. But those things were never something I was allowed to do or something I could ever realistically do for myself. At least, not in the way I imagined.

My point is, when moving here things were better but I was still afraid to leave my safe place (aka gaming and escapism) because it had become so familiar. I am still hesitant to leave it and I've made some pretty big strides since moving here. For one, I started geocaching. I found my first geocache last month and it was a good feeling. I felt accomplishment and motivation from it. I also have a few other things I have found interest in but I have yet to act on them. Where I am now is much different from where I was. I have noticed a huge rift in my online friendships lately. Even my *best friend* and I rarely talk now. All of my old friends are gamers, and slowly I've felt myself distancing myself from it over the year. Gaming has become a habit and a bad one, it's no longer as important to escape as it once was and instead of escaping, I would like to develop coping mechanisms that work and are good for me. I started exercising a couple months ago, not regularly since gaming has still had a hold on me but amazingly, I walked around 6-8 miles in one day. My Aunt and I spent time at a HUGE new park in Tulsa and we had a lot of fun walking around and seeing everything. By the time we got home, I was exhausted. I loved how that made me feel. I felt tired and felt like I'd achieved something, both of which are great things.

And now we arrive at the present. I have so many things I want to do and see, however, I am still gaming and it is having a bad effect on me. I developed a bad case of self loathing a few years ago due to how much I play, and thankfully it IS improving, but quitting games altogether would help so much more. I have infinite reasons to quit. My health, social life, activities, friends, my classes, self-esteem, and mostly, I want my life to be an adventure. I'm tired of pretending I am on one via gaming. I may not be able to travel the world or visit every state or even see all of my state, but there are still adventures I can have and have been missing out on. Geocaching, hiking, being out in nature, being part of the community, volunteering, kyaking, ziplining, swimming and exploration, no matter how small the area. It's time I begin the real adventure and say goodbye to the girl I used to be. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I promise to take it as seriously as possible from this day forward.

 

As for the title of this journal, I want to be the kind of person who isn't always in her room. I want to be helpful and volunteer and just generally be out and about. I also want to keep being kind, and develop a very positive mindset.

Edited by Sashiku
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So, for my first post, this is day 1. It's pretty easy for me to say I want to quit, hopefully, tomorrow will be a little easier.

Today I am grateful for: People. Those who are supportive and tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. More specifically, The Stinkrat on discord. Thank you so much for listening to me and pushing me in the right direction.

Today I:


*Did some laundry

*Am on my way to Self Development class in 30 minutes.

Edited by Sashiku
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Welcome to the forums! You are not alone, I am also a woman and feel like I have wasted so much time being in my room doing nothing. I share a little part of that adventurous nature you describe too. Please don't hesitate to ask for help or advice, there are a lot of people here who share experiences and might be able to offer good strategies! From my multiple attempts at quitting I have gathered that two of the most important things are to remember your why and to not leave free and empty time for yourself. The first will be useful once the will power wears off, the second will be useful at any point, cause habits are so hard to break. Now that I say this I recall, this book Atomic habits is a great read and help in this process for me, you might wanna try it out. 

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11 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Welcome to the forums! You are not alone, I am also a woman and feel like I have wasted so much time being in my room doing nothing. I share a little part of that adventurous nature you describe too. Please don't hesitate to ask for help or advice, there are a lot of people here who share experiences and might be able to offer good strategies! From my multiple attempts at quitting I have gathered that two of the most important things are to remember your why and to not leave free and empty time for yourself. The first will be useful once the will power wears off, the second will be useful at any point, cause habits are so hard to break. Now that I say this I recall, this book Atomic habits is a great read and help in this process for me, you might wanna try it out. 

Thank you, It's nice to know I am not the only adventurous one. 🙂 Thanks for the strategies, I WILL have difficulty filling my time but if I run out of things to do, I can always meditate or get ahead in my studies. I will check out that book sometime too.

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Day 2:

 

Notes: Yesterday a lady fell and was yelling for help. I went into her apartment and phoned 911. This is the second time now, I hope she is ok.


I am grateful for: sleep. I get so tired sometimes that it's nice to just sleep. Even today, I needed a nap and it felt great afterwards.

 

Today I:
Exercised for 20 minutes *maybe a bit over* because I was trying out some new stretching techniques.

Took a half hour nap

Went to lunch with my Aunt.

Edited by Sashiku

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Was gone all day yesterday. Spent some time with my mentors. One of them was older and asked me to come along with her cause she gets lonely. Once I got home I crashed. Today I have a full schedule yet again and I'm pretty glad. I need to clean my house, at least do some dishes and maybe vacuum. After that I want to either do laundry or go grocery shopping.

am grateful for: This town. It's full of really wonderful people.

Today I: 
Did a few dishes, I am trying to do at least one or two things a day chore wise, because I am horrible at procrastinating and I absolutely LOATHE dishes and laundry.

Worked out - day number 2

Drew a few rounds of Drawception. I just found it a few days ago. It's sort of like that whisper game. You draw something and after many interpretations, the last drawing turns into something completely different. It's great for practice AND great for cold days where it's hard to find things to do. 🙂

Spent a few hours messing around on MMD. It's a dance program for 3D models. It was 30F outside and so computer time it was. Tomorrow I think I will read a book.

 

Edited by Sashiku
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Wow! I never realized this but I also used imagination and reading to escape from reality when I grew up. I never connected them with gaming addiction until today, after reading your post. So, thank you! And I always wondered how I developed gaming addiction out of nowhere. 😄 Now I see that it was actually transferred from imagination and reading, but it was far more destructive to me than any other addiction. To be honest I don't mind getting a little "addicted" to reading or drawing, and I am planning on using my imagination to write stories -- I wrote a few before I got addicted to games.

Anyway. Good luck! I can feel a positive energy flow from your words. 🙂

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11 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

Wow! I never realized this but I also used imagination and reading to escape from reality when I grew up. I never connected them with gaming addiction until today, after reading your post. So, thank you! And I always wondered how I developed gaming addiction out of nowhere. 😄 Now I see that it was actually transferred from imagination and reading, but it was far more destructive to me than any other addiction. To be honest I don't mind getting a little "addicted" to reading or drawing, and I am planning on using my imagination to write stories -- I wrote a few before I got addicted to games.

Anyway. Good luck! I can feel a positive energy flow from your words. 🙂

😄 it's nice to know other people can relate to my story. Thank you, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. You write huh? I am rather fond of writing myself but I mostly draw. ^^ I do have an unpublished book however, but it's a kids book. 

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7 hours ago, Sashiku said:

😄 it's nice to know other people can relate to my story. Thank you, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. You write huh? I am rather fond of writing myself but I mostly draw. ^^ I do have an unpublished book however, but it's a kids book. 

I used to write. I haven't been able to write anything for the past few months even though I really want to. I have drafts of about 40k words over the years and most of them are just beginnings of stories. 😂 I am not giving up on them yet.

Do you draw from life? I guess drawing in a park could be good for you if you want to stay out of your room and enjoy your hobby at the same time.

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18 hours ago, Silverlining said:

I used to write. I haven't been able to write anything for the past few months even though I really want to. I have drafts of about 40k words over the years and most of them are just beginnings of stories. 😂 I am not giving up on them yet.

Do you draw from life? I guess drawing in a park could be good for you if you want to stay out of your room and enjoy your hobby at the same time.

Wow. That's a lot of words. ^_^ I get art block sometimes so I understand the feeling. And no, I mostly draw from my imagination. ^^ I freehand all my art as well.

 

Here is an example: https://www.deviantart.com/sashikuchan/art/Good-Morning-737898723

I did a pretty realistic piece recently but I used a reference so I don't really feel like it's my art. I don't ever use references.

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2 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Wow. That's a lot of words. ^_^ I get art block sometimes so I understand the feeling. And no, I mostly draw from my imagination. ^^ I freehand all my art as well.

 

Here is an example: https://www.deviantart.com/sashikuchan/art/Good-Morning-737898723

I did a pretty realistic piece recently but I used a reference so I don't really feel like it's my art. I don't ever use references.

Awwwwww that is so cute! I love it!

So drawing is not just a hobby for you. You are an artist! I look forward to seeing more of your work 😄

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19 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Awwwwww that is so cute! I love it!

So drawing is not just a hobby for you. You are an artist! I look forward to seeing more of your work 😄

Thank you very much. x3

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Friday:

I worked out lightly and did some walking around the complex. *all indoor* I did a few dishes but still have more to go.

 

Today *Saturday* I am grateful for: Chores. Even though sometimes I feel I hate them, I am grateful for them today because doing chores means I am taking care of myself and I am healthy enough to do them.

Didn't get much done. There was an event downstairs so I didn't do laundry. Will try to do it tomorrow while everybody is at church.

Edited by Sashiku
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@Sashiku If you find yourself struggling with how to fill your time, I suggest goal setting and exploring your own mind as far as your desires for your future are concerned! Those can unlock possibilities, although scary, they are a door to small changes for our lives.

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20 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

@Sashiku If you find yourself struggling with how to fill your time, I suggest goal setting and exploring your own mind as far as your desires for your future are concerned! Those can unlock possibilities, although scary, they are a door to small changes for our lives.

Thanks for the tips. I have been setting a few goals lately so I will continue with that. 🙂 I will definitely try to set aside some me time to think about things.

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Sunday:

I have been very tired lately and my legs and hands are swollen all the time so I don't feel like doing much. The swelling just started last week and It's like constant water weight. it's hard to feel like doing anything when you feel so heavy and tired. If I had insurance I'd see a doctor but alas, I still don't.

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Everything is good. ^_^ I downloaded a flash game but deleted it immediately. I am seriously done and I can't let anything change my mind.

I am feeling good about my decision.

Edited by Sashiku
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