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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I slept so much today because of yesterday, but that is ok. I expected that to happen. I'm not sure what I want to work on today. I'm at 95 weeks today as well. 

I almost want to sleep more but it is noon. My goals for this weekend were simple: watch a movie, watch hockey, study for 4 hours, and do some art for 1 hour. No problem I think. 

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I think things are getting better overall but I'm still sort of reluctant to study for this exam because I'm concerned it will be canceled again due to COVID19. I don't want to study for 2 months to have it canceled again. I already did that and it felt bad. 

My sleep schedule is still a little off due to the sickness last week that kept me up til 6 am. I'm falling asleep around 1 or 2 now. I did have a relaxing weekend and talked to friends and family. I didn't really do any chores or art though. It was mostly just lounging and sleeping. I only watched porn twice which was a huge improvement from 2 weekend ago. 

I wanted to sleep more today but I woke up before my alarm clock with intention and focus for some reason. I feel dedicated to getting on track this week. 

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Today was good. I'm a little tired after not sleeping well, but I'm feeling better. I had a productive day at work, ate some food, relaxed, watched my show, talked to my friend on the phone, watched hockey, and enjoyed the evening. I have a few errands to do tomorrow, but should be fine. 

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I'm a little disappointed in myself because I keep staying up too late. I used to watch porn before bed for 15 years and I've been trying to kick the habit but that means I get my adrenaline rush late at night and suddenly feel very awake, regardless of how tired I may have been. 

I just wonder if this will be a natural waiting period until it goes away. I haven't been exercising because I haven't felt interested. 

I just get caught watching YouTube or a movie late at night. I don't think that's a good idea because I'm not dealing with that energy properly. I'll try exercise and meditation and reading again. It's just sometimes books feel like work and that stresses me out. Idk. 

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Well, unless you completely destroyed your circadian rhythm, which I would assume is pretty difficult to do, you can probably get to a normal sleep cycle with enough work. I think you hit the nail on the head though that you had this habit for 15 years to help you sleep--some thing that you expect to happen before your brain thinks its time to sleep--and it tries to cue you in to finish the habit loop with the adrenaline. 

I haven't been keeping up with many other's journals recently...have you tried creating a cue for sleep to replace what porn used to be? I wonder if that might help not just with your sleep, but with the porn as well.

Also, I'm not an expert in any of these things. Yay pop science.

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

Well, unless you completely destroyed your circadian rhythm, which I would assume is pretty difficult to do, you can probably get to a normal sleep cycle with enough work. I think you hit the nail on the head though that you had this habit for 15 years to help you sleep--some thing that you expect to happen before your brain thinks its time to sleep--and it tries to cue you in to finish the habit loop with the adrenaline. 

I haven't been keeping up with many other's journals recently...have you tried creating a cue for sleep to replace what porn used to be? I wonder if that might help not just with your sleep, but with the porn as well.

Also, I'm not an expert in any of these things. Yay pop science.

Thanks. I've been unable to be dedicated to other journals as well recently for a few reasons. No worries. 

I'm working on it. I think I need something mindless to calm down that's not engaging. I think I put too much pressure on myself when I meditate. Maybe thinking of trying sound bowls for relaxation where I tap on this metal bowl and it makes this frequency noise thing that resonates for a while. It's cheaper than handpan drums and equally relaxing. 

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Today was better. I spoke with two friends after work for about 2 hours then talked to my therapist then talked to my other friend for an hour and then my other friend off and on during the hockey games I watched. 

I feel much less lonely. I'm still fighting some arousal. I miss being affectionate with a woman and kind of wish I had someone to be emotionally supportive, flirty, romantic, and sexual with. It will come eventually, but it's something on my mind tonight as I am trying to fall asleep. I figure journaling about it is best instead of looking for porn. 3 days without it right now. 

I think I'll be avoiding dating until 2022 due to COVID19 and that means quitting porn will be brutal. I just don't trust anyone who says they're social distancing. It's tough to trust right now. I know some people have no fear and are doing it. I can't get over that fear until I get more confidence in the United states since we have so many infections compared to the world. 

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's just sometimes books feel like work and that stresses me out. Idk. 

Yeah. Same thing here except... I do nothing for hours at a time. And sometimes I take notes, yet the new activity stuff was in the way for almost two months now, which kept me offguard for the new week's resolution on my own (Facebook livestream services helped solve the problem of what I should be doing as a "challenge" per week as an individual). I just did the gathering with family every week, but no mid-day hiking, ice cream sandwich party, or pizza party. I barely did the women's study group with Mom and my sister and we pick random chapters out of scriptures to focus on per week. It happens every two weeks nowadays as a family because we just don't want the most vulnerable to get sick. In 2022, I should've been independent by now, yet I could find Mr. Right to go head on heels for and elope off one day. For now, I need a little planning to get my business started virtually from home or else I need to continue on with my loom-knitting business out of hiatus since college and I don't have a business license yet until the pandemic gets a lot more situated. Those are the two choices I have to do for the sake of work that now I just renewed my gap year.

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20 hours ago, Natalie said:

Yeah. Same thing here except... I do nothing for hours at a time. And sometimes I take notes, yet the new activity stuff was in the way for almost two months now, which kept me offguard for the new week's resolution on my own (Facebook livestream services helped solve the problem of what I should be doing as a "challenge" per week as an individual). I just did the gathering with family every week, but no mid-day hiking, ice cream sandwich party, or pizza party. I barely did the women's study group with Mom and my sister and we pick random chapters out of scriptures to focus on per week. It happens every two weeks nowadays as a family because we just don't want the most vulnerable to get sick. In 2022, I should've been independent by now, yet I could find Mr. Right to go head on heels for and elope off one day. For now, I need a little planning to get my business started virtually from home or else I need to continue on with my loom-knitting business out of hiatus since college and I don't have a business license yet until the pandemic gets a lot more situated. Those are the two choices I have to do for the sake of work that now I just renewed my gap year.

Yeah, it's just going to take some time. I am hopeful and will also remain patient. It's not fair to myself to be distressed by it and I've done a good job at talking with people to remain social. I'm hoping your business idea comes together!

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Today was pretty good. I had a few meetings and then got a project submitted and started a new one. I also went for an hour long walk after work with a friend and just destressed and socialized a bit. It felt really nice. I missed being outside. The weather was finally nice and not humid so i just enjoyed the whole night altogether.

We'll see if it translates to sleep.

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10 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Sound bowls are really cool. A very chill dude I knew in college had one of those and ran meditation sessions. It's surprisingly peaceful. 

I sometimes go to sound therapy yoga classes and they're really interesting. I either hate them or love them and if the noise is painful it means you have anxiety and can't relax lol. So I hate them most of the time. INterested to see how I'd do now that I'm on medication.

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Today was a really busy day. It started off with meetings and then a few big submittals that came out of nowhere. I also had a big dentist appointment so by the time the day was over I was so tired. I had a phone call with my two friends and we got some stress out which really helped. I also took a nice shower and had good meals to relax. 

I'm slowly getting tired earlier I've noticed. I'm happy about that. I feel like I'm slowly curbing my sleep schedule back to something more manageable. I want to get some of my projects progressed tomorrow and then finish the week on a peaceful note.

This weekend I'm looking to pay bills, do my errands, do laundry, clean my house, start studying, and relax after.

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15 minutes ago, Average_Guy said:

It’s pretty inspiring how long you’ve been fighting Gaming and steady on this journal.  Like you, I’m also working on staying porn free.  I’m rooting for you.

Thank you! I haven't been as interested in porn this week and I find it surprising. The first two days of not watching were brutal and I wanted to watch multiple time each day. Now I have less urges and more strength to battle those urges. 

I think if we battle the first few waves we can go far until a week or two when more waves appear. 

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Today was good. I was complemented by my bosses and also got a lot of work done. I talked to my friend at lunch and had fun. I made dinner and did the dishes and took a nap. Pretty regular day. 

I didn't feel well tonight after masturbation. It was only the 2nd time I did it this week. I think I'm sore and recovering maybe? Idk. I'm just trying to do it less. 

My cravings were down a lot this week. I'd like to go to the bank tomorrow and do some errands. I'll also begin studying tomorrow. I'd like to meal prep as well. 

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I'm 96 weeks free from gaming today. I already did some errands today. I plan on doing some more and then studying at some point. Just watching sports now. I still feel good on my medication. I'm looking forward to dating after my exam is over. I want a woman in my life and want to feel like a man with a woman. It's something important I crave. 

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I've been spending my nights flirting with a woman from a support group I've been in. She has a kid and a husband. I don't feel good about it. I don't even know what she looks like and she doesn't know what I look like. I think I'm just lonely during the quarantine. I'm still seeing people, but I don't know. I have not done any sexting or anything and we haven't exchanged numbers or emails etc. I just encourage her and she encourages me, but we've become very affectionate and just spend the nights complimenting each other and telling funny stories. 

It's become very emotionally uplifting for both of us. The issue is I look forward to talking to her every day and I stay up late doing it. It's making me depressed during the day. I'm considering cutting ties because I don't want to ruin her family life.

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Today was better. It started off slow due to how tired I was, but I ended up going for a 3 hour walk with my friend and it was a really beautiful day outside. I feel so much better. It was just so great to be in the sun with no humidity and a strong breeze. It made me feel so alive. I really enjoyed it. 

I feel better about my situation with that woman. I think we're both just affectionate people and I might have just been overthinking. She talks about her family a lot and I think during these delicate times of the virus that I'm just more receptive to it than usual. It's such an isolating time and it feels so good to have someone supporting me emotionally, especially a woman. It just feels more comforting and warm when a woman is supporting me when I'm feeling down. Sometimes I respond to a man's support, but there are times like this where it's just so comforting and special to feel affection from a woman. So I appreciate what she's been able to share with me and I enjoy returning the favor. It makes me feel good as well to be affectionate.

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I'm also going to start studying 1 hour per day. I'm ready for it this time. I have less anxiety and think I'm going to do well. I care about my job and really want to progress my career and this exam will be the final step I think. I also just want it out of the way. 

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I'm disappointed because my hockey team was eliminated tonight. I'm also kind of annoyed in general. I feel very separated from the people on this website more than ever. It makes me feel like I don't know why I post here. I just think there's no community on it and it's more to individually write things down. I'm past the video game addictions but I try to post on people's journals and it's just kind of vague. If I stop posting on people's journals they don't post on mine and I don't often receive helpful advice or insightful comments anymore. 

I'm just wondering what I'm looking for from this website these days. There's no community here for the most part I have found. Cam never visits this website anymore, most of the regulars have relapsed or left or barely write. Others are relapsing after joining. Others just stress me out because they don't listen to people's advice. 

I just don't even know what my purpose on this website is anymore. I've gone almost 100 weeks without gaming and stuff. Am I helping anyone? Does my journaling and advice give anyone hope or motivation? Am I inspiring others to quit or improve their lives? Do people read this and find anything helpful? Am I wasting my time?

I'm not trying to knock anyone. I know I'm not going to be friends with any of you since we're all living far apart and most online friendships aren't real friendships. It's more of a support community etc. I've just noticed since April or May that the mood here has become very stale and quiet in my opinion. I know the virus is crushing people right now. I would have thought more people would turn to this site for help during these times.

I just wonder if I'm even benefiting from writing here anymore. It would be helpful to know if people enjoy reading this or find hope and inspiration from it. I guess it helps me journal my thoughts and break things down. I'm just a little frustrated tonight maybe and not sure how to deal with it properly.

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