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BooksandTrees
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Well that payday for those people is ending whether that's a good or bad thing (I think bad personally... if I have to choose between a few people scamming the system and a complete economic collapse I'll choose the former, lol). I sympathize with having big plans every day but then feeling too exhausted to do anything. I listened to a podcast (Rogan I think) lately about how you can build up some resilience against that by just forcing yourself to keep going for a while. I don't know if that's true because I read a book as a teen called The Power of Full Engagement which is one of those trashy self-help books by guys who don't really know what they're talking about that kinda claimed the same thing. Didn't really work for me but I also probably didn't commit fully. Discipline is hard. Especially if you're older and never had it in the past. Undoing 30+ years of laziness and giving in to my impulses is the hardest thing I've ever done.

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm really struggling to not watch porn today. My job is so fucking stressful it's just a miserable experience each day. All I want to do is sleep. I get so excited after work and just have no desire to learn anything new. 

I'm jealous of people who got unemployment and the 600 dollars on top of that for the past 5 months to do nothing. They're all doing new hobbies and careers. I'm just miserable and working more than ever. 

I am so sorry. That is really sad and frustrating. 
 

Were you going to take the 2 weeks off for therapy? You deserve some time to take care of yourself. 
 

Sending big hugs.

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2 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Discipline is hard. Especially if you're older and never had it in the past. Undoing 30+ years of laziness and giving in to my impulses is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I completely agree. I think I was facing some very difficult porn cravings today and it was making me very volatile and angry. So I probably lashed out at people because of it. I did exercise today for an hour after work and feel like I have enough energy to do whatever I want tonight. I even shaved so I could feel better about myself.

Laziness is not work. Building good habits is some work. The two clash. I think finding that discipline is really helpful because I feel a lot better afterwards and hope I can keep remembering this lesson.

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58 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am so sorry. That is really sad and frustrating. 
 

Were you going to take the 2 weeks off for therapy? You deserve some time to take care of yourself. 
 

Sending big hugs.

Thanks. I am feeling a lot better now. I had to fight through it. I blasted some music to get my adrenaline going and exercised for an hour and now I feel a lot better. I think sometimes I have internal conflict with myself about exercising or doing something and not doing it.

I find out about that 2 weeks of therapy today. I'm a little hesitant to try it, but I also want to try it. It's just embarrassing to tell my boss I need 2 weeks off for medical leave. Maybe it doesn't matter.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I had a really productive meeting with my therapist today. We spoke about being easier on myself for things like regret and these insidious negative thoughts that hold no ground in reality such as me being pathetic or something. But we also spoke about being harder on myself in the appropriate times. Like exercising helps me feel better after work. I fight the desire to exercise and watch porn and nap instead. But I feel better if I exercise. That's someplace where I need to be hard on myself. 

Other instances include not hitting snooze, not watching porn, eating 3 meals per day, shaving more often so I feel better about my appearance, sleeping at 11 pm and waking at 7 AM each day to stay consistent, etc.

I also discussed my creative hobbies. Due to how stressful my job is I use a tremendous amount of critical thinking throughout the day. It's unrealistic that I can spend time 3D modeling after work. That's just going to tear me apart. 

I've decided to set a block of time aside each weekend to do the creative hobby. It doesn't need to be each day of the weekend. Hobbies are not jobs. They are fun. I must get this engraved into my head. Hobbies are fun.

The caveat to this mindset is allowing myself to have fun after work. I never allow myself to smile and enjoy life after work because of the fear of wasting time. That is gone. I'm going to have fun after work now. I'm not going to waste time watching TV or something, but I will go out of the way to do fun things and socialize.

This promise I will keep.

This song helped motivated me to exercise today:

 

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Your recent post describes a problem that a lot of newcomers to Game Quitters have, I've noticed: one of the main points of the program is to fill all that empty time we have when gaming is out of the picture and I think people are quick to jump to all of the things they think they should be doing or want to learn and don't give themselves leisure time. If you hate reading, even reading isn't a destresser! One of addiction's biggest curses is that, depending on how long someone has dealt with it, they might not even know what they like to do. That's where I found myself two years ago after rehab. I had some idea of things I sort of liked doing back when I was 17 but I was now 36 and some of those hobbies weren't appealing anymore.

So yes, I agree with the assessment of you and your therapist. We need some leisure time and we need to spend time figuring out what leisure time even is for us. Lots of people in psychiatry use the phrase "be kind to yourself" but I don't even know what that means most days, lol. Beating myself up and being stressed over what I view as procrastination are just as natural as breathing is for me. But, we continue to grow.

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On 7/29/2020 at 3:22 PM, ceponatia said:

Your recent post describes a problem that a lot of newcomers to Game Quitters have, I've noticed: one of the main points of the program is to fill all that empty time we have when gaming is out of the picture and I think people are quick to jump to all of the things they think they should be doing or want to learn and don't give themselves leisure time. If you hate reading, even reading isn't a destresser! One of addiction's biggest curses is that, depending on how long someone has dealt with it, they might not even know what they like to do. That's where I found myself two years ago after rehab. I had some idea of things I sort of liked doing back when I was 17 but I was now 36 and some of those hobbies weren't appealing anymore.

So yes, I agree with the assessment of you and your therapist. We need some leisure time and we need to spend time figuring out what leisure time even is for us. Lots of people in psychiatry use the phrase "be kind to yourself" but I don't even know what that means most days, lol. Beating myself up and being stressed over what I view as procrastination are just as natural as breathing is for me. But, we continue to grow.

It's something we're not really told when quitting games. Most people quit games to avenge their "wasted years" and become great, but forget that greatness comes from years of practice and it's more important to have fun and enjoy life first. 

I remember I wanted to 3d model and didn't for a year, but I rock climbed 2 days a week instead, watched hockey, and played board games. That was way more fun and it helped curb my depression. 

You can only work so much in a day. I think it's important to do hobbies on the weekend that are big and do little hobbies during the week. 

The word hobby is almost an anxiety trigger because it means work. We just gotta have fun sometimes. If we don't get positive endorphins from activities and exercise then replacing addiction will be impossible. 

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Today was better. I got a lot done at work, talked to some friends and family, watched hockey, cooked, exercised, and stretched. 

I'm starting to recover from burnout. My schedule is starting to energize me. We'll see what happens this weekend. I'm going to try and do modeling in the morning and then have fun the rest of the time. Maybe study as well on Sunday. 

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This weekend marked 92 weeks. I did watch porn once today, ending my 1 week without it. This weekend was ok. It's been 100% humidity so I haven't wanted to go outside. It just feels like my body is in a fog. The humidity is terrible. I stick to everything I touch and the air is heavy.

I kind of wish I could move to San Diego or something. It's 70 degrees there now and 70 degrees there in the winter. It's 90-100 degrees in Massachusetts now and -10 to +30 degrees in the winter, most of spring, and fall. They say Santa Barbara California has 3 days above 90 each year and 6 nights below freezing each year with only 80 cloudy days. Massachusetts is the opposite.

I don't know. It's just depressing. Like, I get told to go out and exercise, but why would I go outside? Even my house is a disaster with the humidity. It's not just climate change either. It's always been ice cold or brutally hot here. It's such an extreme environment.

I'm basically just complaining that I'm hot right now and want to feel more comfortable lol. My medication is going well and I've lost more weight. I didn't sleep at good times this weekend, but oh well.

 

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I feel so ill tonight. I can't tell what caused it. My head feels like it's burning, my body feels freezing, I'm hungry, nauseous, dizzy, but no fever or anything. 

I'm starting to feel better after putting like 4 blankets on me, drinking water, and turning off my air conditioner. I've never felt like that before. It scared me. My legs are starting to feel warm again but idk. Just hoping it's not because of my medication. The internet says it was an anxiety attack. I don't know. I haven't had one like this before and technically this is the easiest my job has been in months. 

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I took the rest of today off. I just feel terrible. Light fever, no energy, dehydrated from the fever, lack of brain power. It's not COVID19. I've been in isolation for months. Might just be stress or something. 

I'm going to take it easy the rest of the week. My body is sore from my workout yesterday which is good. I was worried it was too simple. I'm just going to watch hockey today and rest. 

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Hope these symptoms subside soon. Could you have done too much exercise?

I once did a lot of push ups and muscle stretching under the supervision of my fitness coach without checking myself. I remember that I overheated and drank water way too late. I just wanted to impress the guy. Upon returning home, I tried to sleep, but I was waking up with intense pains in my stomach, nausea and this general fatigue that made it very hard to get off the bed. It took a good day for this to pass.

Edited by Amphibian220
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2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Hope these symptoms subside soon. Could you have done too much exercise?

I once did a lot of push ups and muscle stretching under the supervision of my fitness coach without checking myself. I remember that I overheated and drank water way too late. I just wanted to impress the guy. Upon returning home, I tried to sleep, but I was waking up with intense pains in my stomach, nausea and this general fatigue that made it very hard to get off the bed. It took a good day for this to pass.

We shall see. I think I was pretty malnourished, tired after a long weekend, and just a mix of things I was doing. I also watched porn yesterday and Sunday so that might have done it. Thank you.

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Thanks. 

I feel a little better tonight. I'm absolutely exhausted. It's like my mind is craving porn, tv, texting, apps, anything. 

I did none of this though. I really wanted to watch porn or pmo, but that's not going to help. I've got to turn this around. 

I watched hockey tonight but now I'm watching lacrosse. I played as a kid and love the game. I miss playing it to be honest. Before the virus struck I was thinking of playing in an adult league. I'll consider it again at some point. 

I think I'd like to either learn the drums, build with legos, or something away from the computer after work. We'll see. 

All I know is I'm starting to feel better than I did yesterday and today and hope to continue the trend. 

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I feel much better today. I'm having extreme urges to pmo and it's driving me insane. I'm jittery. Porn withdrawal is terrible. I hate this so much. God fucking damn.

I'm definitely exercising today. This is brutal. It's also exhausting how much willpower is being consumed right now.

I can do this. I'm not controlled by sex. I'm just naturally tired and a little stressed from work. I got this. 

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Today was a lot better. I woke up late but I got 3 projects done and I'm ready to start my 4th tomorrow. I'm gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow and restock.

I didn't watch porn today but I did mo after work. I don't know. I'm glad i didn't watch porn but i wish i could avoid masturbation. 

I gotta say i feel very energized tonight and i associate that with avoiding porn or any other addictive things. No pull on my mind or anything. I feel good. I wish I could put this energy into a hobby but it is getting late. 

I thought about people who make me happy today and it put me in a better mood. I'm very thankful for the people who support me in life and on here. 

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Today was ok. Work is getting stressful again. I just got so tired after work I took a small nap. I don't really have much energy after work most days now. I went grocery shopping and it was nice seeing other people. It makes me want to talk to people again. I look forward to the day I feel comfortable dating again. This virus is just a huge hassle with it. 

I will probably start studying again on Saturday or Sunday. I will also investigate the drums or legos or something. I just want something to look forward to doing after work. I've been watching hockey, but that's pretty boring after a while. 

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This weekend marks 93 weeks. I had a tough day yesterday. I had extreme anxiety before starting work and couldn't get out of bed. Then I was so unproductive during the day. I did everything bad possible to avoid it. It was terrible. But I spent the rest of that night talking to friends and trying to be better to myself.

I woke up very late today, and just relaxed. I tried to find some peace and appreciate myself today. I did some meditation and sent good thoughts and intentions about myself to myself for over an hour and I feel so good now. I'm very zoned out, but feel mentally clear. It's very nice. I really appreciate myself today and just feel so great. I'm very thankful I spent that time and energy on myself.

I don't feel like I'll be super productive today per say, but sometime this weekend I want to make up work for free that I didn't get done on Friday because that's my responsibility. I also want to practice meditation or something in the mornings so I'm not as stressed out. I get so stressed before logging into my computer, but I log into my computer as fast as possible so I can leave as fast as possible, but basically that means I wake up, go to the bathroom, turn on the computer, see 20+ emails and 2+ messages on my machine and I end up not eating breakfast for an hour and then freaking out.

So i'm gonna keep waking up at 7, but maybe meditate for 30 minutes or something. I'm not sure.

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I had another long day, but after a good conversation I was able to work and make up for what I felt I didn't do on Friday. Maybe my work ethic is too much, but that's just how I do things. Integrity first. Gotta keep my promise. 

The other issue is this weekend I got back into the sensual massages and it is a mistake. They're very intense and I had recently gotten over the lightheadedness that I felt 2 months ago. It takes time to heal and I gave into my bad habits. I also ate badly this weekend and ruined my sleep schedule. I let stress completely derail me and I'm disappointed because of it. Now I'm hoping to recover from my stupid mistakes. 

I feel like such an asshole. I just completely let go and did all of my bad habits. I'm so disappointed in myself I can't describe it. 

Tomorrow is new and I need to be more accountable for myself. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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