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BooksandTrees
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Just now, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you. I hope so. I'm extremely tired today and slept for 13 hours last night. Reminded me of your sleep schedule. 

Were you able to talk with the therapist today? 
 

Hang in there. 

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10 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am so happy you found something that is working. It sounds like you are in really good hands. I hope the therapy goes well. You are looking at your health from all angles which is key. May you get encouragement, support hope and love from your counselors. 
 

Just keep doing one day at a time. We have to keep showing up exactly as we are and ask for the help we need. Just keep doing the next thing.  
 

Sending light and hope to you today. 

Thank you. I appreciate the energy. I am very tired today as I mentioned. But I think it's because I slept from 4 am to 9 am yesterday and was so tired. 

I read my book and then meditated and did a guided sleep meditation after and it knocked me out for 13 hours lol.

I hope you are doing well. I've been smiling thinking about your kind words recently and it's made me feel better. 

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9 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Were you able to talk with the therapist today? 
 

Hang in there. 

I see my therapist in about 2 hours. I feel great to be honest. I don't have any anxiety. I'm just sleepy from the inconsistent sleep. I'll give it 3 weeks. 

Right now I'm just struggling to find motivation to work lol. I'm working, don't get me wrong, but the desire to work needs to be found like a needle in a haystack. 

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2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I see my therapist in about 2 hours. I feel great to be honest. I don't have any anxiety. I'm just sleepy from the inconsistent sleep. I'll give it 3 weeks. 

Right now I'm just struggling to find motivation to work lol. I'm working, don't get me wrong, but the desire to work needs to be found like a needle in a haystack. 

Oh good good good! Talking to people in person is so helpful, but I am glad you feel great!

 

Smile. Yes I think we need to team up and find that needle together.  It sounds as if you are in great spirits though. 
 

Let us know about your session. Talk soon. 

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7 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Oh good good good! Talking to people in person is so helpful, but I am glad you feel great!

 

Smile. Yes I think we need to team up and find that needle together.  It sounds as if you are in great spirits though. 
 

Let us know about your session. Talk soon. 

We'll have to have a search party together and use our clues lol. I honestly feel better after talking on here briefly and don't need a nap anymore. So thank you.

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Today was better. I slept too much because I missed my alarm and had a slow day at work but I was able to get some stuff done. 

I had a good therapy session and then talked to my friends. I'm watching an anime series called gundam 00. It's good so far. I'm trying to only watch 1 or 2 episodes a day to stop binging stuff. I'm trying to reintroduce some balance into my life. 

I've scheduled a video call with friends tomorrow to stay social. I've got heartburn tonight after eating spaghetti. I ate too close to bed too. I should have eaten at 745 and not 930. I think this was irresponsible to do because I know I have a sensitive stomach. 

It's ok. I've been slowly modifying my days to feel better and this is a learning experience. I already feel better tonight than last night. So there's that. 

I sat outside today and talked to my neighbor for 30 minutes. They're nice and the weather was nice. I feel better when I relax a bit out there. 

I haven't wanted to study for my exam at all. It's not until October 28th so I have time. I read another chapter of my book and will meditate before bed again. 

I think I'm emotionally exhausted after the past few weeks. In times like this I wish I had a loving girlfriend so we could hold each other at the end of the day and embrace the healing of our love.

One day it will happen. 

I'm grateful for my friends, family, cooler weather, prozac, the community here, my therapist, my job, and my apartment. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I keep waking up around 230 or 3 AM. I don't feel anxious because of the medication, but I know it's from anxiety. I feel sensations in my head trying to feel anxious but it's being blocked or something so it's just pressure. Like an umbrella in the rain.

It's strange. I'm very hot too. I find myself standing in front of the air conditioner.

I feel my thoughts wanting to panic about not sleeping and how it will ruin my day, but I'm being prevented from thinking about it. I'm in my room. The fan and ac are on. I am safe. I can sleep again. I am a good person. I love myself. I am grateful for myself. I can sleep. 

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I've felt very unmotivated today. Poor sleep again has left me lethargic. I'm struggling to start one project. I'm really struggling to be productive this week. I'm hoping I pick it up soon. 

I exercised today at 2 pm instead of taking a long nap and felt better. I also find that I'm less motivated when I complain to people about work. 

I think I can string together some wins here and build momentum. I've been through a lot lately and I'm trying to be kind to myself but it's about time to he a hard ass to get things going for a push. 

I have a video chat tonight and some minor hobbies. 

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I talked to friends tonight for a while and then watched 1 episode of gundam. I relaxed on the couch tonight just appreciating my apartment and myself for about an hour. 

That sounds stupid but I don't think we take pride in ourselves nearly enough and i think self worth starts with self for a reason. 

I'm determined to have a good day tomorrow. I've also started to get the creative itch again. I think taking this time off has been good. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, my job, and myself for relaxing. 

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Hi!

I have had some really heavy days so sorry I have not gotten back to you. I am glad your therapy appointment went well. 
 

That’s awesome that you took some time to relax. Sometimes we just need to slow down.  I feel like we just have to be gentle with ourselves when we have hard days. 
“Today I am tired and rundown. So it’s ok to move slowly and do less”. 
 

Have a beautiful day. I hope your creative streak came back! 

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!

I have had some really heavy days so sorry I have not gotten back to you. I am glad your therapy appointment went well. 
 

That’s awesome that you took some time to relax. Sometimes we just need to slow down.  I feel like we just have to be gentle with ourselves when we have hard days. 
“Today I am tired and rundown. So it’s ok to move slowly and do less”. 
 

Have a beautiful day. I hope your creative streak came back! 

Thank you! No worries. I'm feeling a lot better this week. I will try to do some creative stuff this weekend. Thanks for the kind words. Thinking of you still.

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10 hours ago, Icandothis said:

“Today I am tired and rundown. So it’s ok to move slowly and do less”

More people should realize and do this. It's like if you're working out. You need to do 100 reps of something. You can try to burst through and do them all in 1 super fast go. But odds are you'll get winded, hurt yourself or exceed your limits. It's important to notice while you're doing something how much you can take. You get get to 100 reps safely and healthily, but only if you do it on your own pace.

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Today I'm 91 weeks on this journey. I had a better ending to the week. I had a very strong review with my boss on Friday and feel a lot better about my role with the company and my growth there. It made me feel like I belonged. I felt like an outcast for some reason, but I feel a lot better now. It will help me relax a bit, that's for sure. I also completed a very difficult project that has made me extremely stressed out over the past few weeks. I'm so relieved, I can't describe it.

As of right now I don't really want to study for that upcoming exam, but I will probably start either tomorrow morning or sometime next week. I think if I can study from August to October I'll be all set and ready to go for it. I think this weekend should be more about rewarding myself for finishing that tough project. It really lead to some of my depression symptoms over the past few weeks to be honest.

Today I'm going to do a few bills and get those out of the way and then I'm going to learn some 3d modeling for an hour or two. I haven't touched it in weeks. I think I was treating it too much like a job and I'm ready to do some creative work for a few hours for fun.

I was invited to see some people today, but it's 95 degrees and humid and I don't want to be outside right now. So I'll probably cancel it. I'd rather talk on the phone with friends.

I just want to relax today.

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Yay!!!! 
 

91 weeks! That is really inspiring! 
 

I am so glad you got a good review. This is really awesome. I am so so proud of you.

 

Don’t have a lot of time to write... but wanted to send you joy. 🙂

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2 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Yay!!!! 
 

91 weeks! That is really inspiring! 
 

I am so glad you got a good review. This is really awesome. I am so so proud of you.

 

Don’t have a lot of time to write... but wanted to send you joy. 🙂

Thank you! I appreciate it. I do feel joy today 🙂

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I'm a little tired and going to bed soon. I had a good weekend. I did my errands, paid my bills, talked to many friends and family members, and relaxed afterwards. 

I didn't do any art or anything but I told myself I wasn't going to do any art and just continue to take a break. 

It was nice talking to my friends. I appreciated it. 

I do feel a little lonely tonight but it's ok. It happens some nights and I have people to talk to. It would just be nice to cuddle or something some nights. I'll find it one day. I'm not in a rush and that's a good thing. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, apartment, and myself for doing ok this weekend. 

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I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight. I got kind of upset at work because I couldn't focus. I couldn't focus because I hurt my back sitting all weekend. I was also a little down because I watched a decent amount of porn this weekend. It stinks because I was still social. I just wish I had a girlfriend or something. Or even family that I could relax with and get a hug from. Another reason I'm sad is because I watched Million Dollar Baby, which is probably the saddest movie of all time or at least my lifetime. 

I don't know why I watched it. I think I always relate to the main character. I feel very alone by my family and everything. The only difference is I have a home and a good job. But it's so easy to fall in love with the real character and I guess I'm somebody who wishes they had love, especially in a time like this. 

But I think I need to pull out of it. Ruminating on loneliness is dangerous for your mind and it serves no purpose. I have people in my discords, my community here, my friends, some family, and my coworkers. I am not alone. I just feel it.

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I just wish I had a girlfriend or something.

You ever see the first of the new Spiderman movies? There's this cool techno suit he gets with tonnes of upgrades. But it gets taken away from hit at some point and told: "If you're nothing without the suit, you shouldn't have it." Maybe you sometimes put having a girlfriend too high on a pedestal. I understand you look forward to having such a connection and a person to pour your love and time into and experience reciprocity. But sometimes I feel like you put so much weight on trying to 'achieve that goal' that you become blind to what such a deep connection truly means. You're still facing a number of personal demons. Maybe try to let go of the relationship stuff a bit, or at least put less pressure on yourself. I feel like you look at getting a girlfriend as some sort of a solution to a problem, rather than a person's life running parallel with yours. Having a great SO should be an extra, some great gravy on the side. In first place, you should always put yourself, your self-care, your mental and physical health and figuring your shit out. The SO will come, in due time. Just take your foot off the gas a bit from time to time.

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

You ever see the first of the new Spiderman movies? There's this cool techno suit he gets with tonnes of upgrades. But it gets taken away from hit at some point and told: "If you're nothing without the suit, you shouldn't have it." Maybe you sometimes put having a girlfriend too high on a pedestal. I understand you look forward to having such a connection and a person to pour your love and time into and experience reciprocity. But sometimes I feel like you put so much weight on trying to 'achieve that goal' that you become blind to what such a deep connection truly means. You're still facing a number of personal demons. Maybe try to let go of the relationship stuff a bit, or at least put less pressure on yourself. I feel like you look at getting a girlfriend as some sort of a solution to a problem, rather than a person's life running parallel with yours. Having a great SO should be an extra, some great gravy on the side. In first place, you should always put yourself, your self-care, your mental and physical health and figuring your shit out. The SO will come, in due time. Just take your foot off the gas a bit from time to time.

I'm not searching for a girlfriend and haven't for months. I wrote how I said I would like one but know I have stuff to work on. I think you are not seeing what I'm writing. Thank you for the thought though. 

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Today's been a little slow for me. I woke up earlier at least and got some work done. I think it's just very interesting how depression has become so much more real for me. 

I think I'm just tired and my back hurts. I'm doing some stretches to relieve the discomfort and hopefully it goes away. I also plan on exercising today. 

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Great stuff! Can you break down your exercise for me and what you do to keep yourself excited with it?

Are you improving your accuracy in hockey? I loved taking long range shots when I used to play it.

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11 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Great stuff! Can you break down your exercise for me and what you do to keep yourself excited with it?

Are you improving your accuracy in hockey? I loved taking long range shots when I used to play it.

I'm honestly not excited with exercise, bit my brain feels less depressed when I exercise than when I don't. 

Sorry for the glum answer lol. It's just the truth. 

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