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  1. 3/10/2019 - Day 30 Couldn't sleep last night. I felt pretty depressed and frustrated at the same time, like I'm stuck and can't do too much about it. Finally fell asleep right around 2 after going downstairs and chilling for a bit. The sermon this morning was something I needed to hear. It was about Psalm 38, which is about sickness and the human condition. I definitely felt a little comfort knowing that sickness is just part of the human condition, and it will exist as long as we are human (if that makes sense). Anyways, made it to day 30. Seeing the doc in an hour or so. Having a few unpleasant symptoms so I'm going to see if she can help me with those.
  2. @BooksandTrees . Oh Ya! I totally agree, I almost always try to say hi or nod in passing with most people, it's just a habit. But you can usually tell which guys objectify women and which guys don't, I just don't want to ever be one of those guys. That being said, I'm definitely more attracted to women who take care of themselves and work out too!
  3. 3/9/2019 - Day 29 Tomorrow will be day 30, which is another small milestone I have. Today though, I've had a little more energy than the last 7-10 days, which has been super nice. I also studied Japanese for the first time in over a week too, which was refreshing and fun. I worked out at the gym this morning, and wowzers, there were a lot of females around. But I will say that it feels good to not be one of those creepy guys who's always trying to sneak a look at the women, I definitely take pride in that. I got invited out to dinner by my aunt and uncle who I had dinner with last night which is nice. I guess you could say I feel a little validated, that I'm at least good company to be around. ? Other than that, it's just another day.
  4. I really enjoy reading your posts. I too struggle with PMO on top of video games, but it's encouraging to see your progress. Hope today is a good day for you.
  5. Ahh, I'm sorry that happened @TwoSidedLife. Those days are the hardest, when absolutely everything is boring. I had five or so days in a row like that, where even watching my favorite TV show bored me to death, I could barley get through five minutes of it. I don't have that much advice in this area for you, because I struggle with it too; It's extremely difficult. But it really helped to have a good book. Not a book that you would learn anything from, or a self help book, but a book that is purely for entertainment value. It helped pass the time like none other. If you need a suggestion, I loved the book Artemis by Andy Weir. It's a futuristic, adventure book involving a developing community on the moon. I couldn't put it down! Wishing you the best, I'm rooting for you!
  6. Just a few more thoughts.. (Also, pardon my language.) I've still been struggling with the thought of video games. I'm a pretty decent video editor and I was just given unlimited access to extremely expensive royalty free music a few days ago. The essence of a great video is the story, and I had a great story of working hard to gain skill in order to have fame and riches on OSRS. So I imagined myself making the amazing, high quality OSRS video content that would be consumed and loved. I visualized all the different songs and high quality edits I would use, and maybe I could make a living of that... But it's just a fantasy. I was just reading through the /r/nofap subreddit. I try not to get on reddit very much, but I just felt like reading it tonight. It made me remember why I started the no gaming journey. I am so fucking sick of being a slave to these fantasies. All they have done is tear me down and cause me to stumble. It's easy and comfortable in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things it only makes your life much, much harder. Which is why I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to let myself imagine making gaming content, it's just another mind game to get me to play. It's time to keep healing my mind, body, and soul. John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
  7. I would put off the credits for another semester. There's no rush to finish college, even though that's the opposite of what most college students think. I'd take it slow, enjoy it, and put in your best work instead of cramming. Just a thought!
  8. 3/8/2019 - Day 28 I just finished lunch with the HR director at my Uncles company. We had a great conversation, but she told me that there wasn't room for me to work there after they picked up a 3rd party to do the video editing for the company. I was actually completely fine with this and even prepared for that outcome. If anything, I'm excited because now I can look into different avenues of work which I'm probably more interested in. My cousin just got in town for a few days from college, so we're about to go to the gym, take a steam, then we're going to the movies with some other people tonight. We're going to see Captain Marvel which looks like it'll be pretty good! I like this idea! Thankfully I have a pretty full day today, but I will give it some thought and see if there's something I could do to challenge myself this week. Maybe I could write a review for Captain Marvel later tonight. ?
  9. 3/7/2019 - Day 27 Parents are going out of town for 5 days for the 3rd weekend in a row. The new medicine I've been prescribed will take a couple days to fully kick in. All last week felt like I was waiting for something to happen, and now I see myself once again waiting for results. It's like I'm being tested again, and it's taking a lot of patients and discipline, of which I feel like I don't have much. I am noticing some of my fatigue in the mornings going away, and it's a bit easier to get to bed at night which is a plus. I guess the plan is to continue to keep myself as busy as is possible when you live at home w/out a job. I'm hoping I'll get to go to work soon and hopefully that will be something I can sink more time and effort into. I had set my expectations pretty high for this week, so when it wasn't exactly met, I was a bit disappointed, which is my own fault. Idk, I have a lot of my mind.
  10. 3/6/2019 - Day 25 Welp, I've made it to day 25, and more specifically, to my much anticipated doctors appointment! I had a great conversation with her and she knew exactly what I was talking about. She gave me some new Chinese medicine which I will try out over the next few weeks, and I'm very optimistic that it will help with my Kidney problems. The kidney issue has been bothering me for the last 3-4 months, once it's taken care of we can go back to the normal treatment. But there will be huge benefits from focusing on this for a few weeks. Meeting with someone from a potential workplace on Friday. Big things to come I think.
  11. @JustTom You're right. But I also didn't explain myself well enough when I said.. I'm definitely not giving up if this doctor doesn't have a solution, I just have to change my strategy. I don't expect you to fully understand the illness I'm going up against as it would take too long to explain. Motivation and drive are very different and all I meant by the quote above is that I'd just have a little more motivation that day or a little extra bump of dopamine. Which, in the grand scheme of things is meaningless, but it'd just make tomorrow a little more pleasant. That's all I meant.
  12. 3/5/2019 - Day 24 Woke up and finally had a little relief this morning. I ate a decent breakfast and went to the gym where I biked, then took a steam and a shower. I'm honestly surprised I made it through yesterday, I was so miserable. But, over the last 8 years of being chronically sick, I think I've developed more resilience than I've ever had before, because of that I was able to survive the slog yesterday. Time seems to slow to a crawl when you're waiting on something you want really badly (the new Doc tomorrow). Today might be a little easier, but not much. Instead of managing chronic fatigue, I have to fight to try and be productive. For a little less than a week I've been glued to the couch and binging TV, now I have to try and reverse those habits again. Of course, if I get encouraging news tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to hop into a better routine much more easily.
  13. I need to keep remembering this verse. It's soo true.
  14. @BooksandTrees I feel like I say this every time to someone who relapses, and I need to work on it myself too. But, don't beat yourself up. Failing is part of the learning process and for me it has taken hundreds if not thousands of failures for me to make progress with pmo and other things in my life (and I still keep failing). I've been there many times, and it sucks, but stand back up and keep moving forward again. Also, try and exercise, that usually rejuvenates my mind, body, and soul in a way. What has helped me a decent amount is that every time I relapse, I try and go through my thought process and all the actions that were taken that lead me to ultimately relapse, then I try to rule out or fix those weaknesses in a way that I won't come across them as much or anymore.
  15. 3/4/2019 - Day 23 Tired as hell today. Fell asleep 2 hours after waking up and again around 4:30. I've been either laying on the couch, reading, or taking a bath all day. I just watched a Netflix show 'Abstract' on interior design with my parents. It was pretty interesting, but this whole day has been pretty shit. I don't know if I'll go to sleep anytime soon considering I napped twice today, but you never know. I just have to make it through one more full day until I finally consult this new doctor. Going to continue to hold off on gaming. I'm really hoping this doctor can help me, not exactly sure what I can do if it doesn't work out.
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