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BooksandTrees
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I woke up late today after poor sleep from my back strain. It's causing muscle spasms which is annoying. I think it occurred from me pretending to throw baseballs like a pitcher lol. I do that when I'm bored sometimes and pretend to throw very hard. I swear I'm not a moron but I might be. People do stupid things when they're alone and sometimes I pretend I'm an mlb pitcher.

It's funny but I'm annoyed. 

My goal today is just study and rest between study sessions. Sounds reasonable. I'm on day 4 of no porn or anything. If I ignore an urge it goes away in 10 to 20 minutes. If I engage in fantasy thoughts then it never stops. A video I watched spoke about riding urge waves like a surfer. We'll see. 

Edit: I'm struggling to not watch porn today. It's terrible. Strongest urges in days.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, Bird By Bird said:

If the spasms continue, you might want to check out a masseuse or a chiropractor.  A few years ago, my back just gave out and I was limping but a chiro fixed me right up. Better early than too late.

Thanks. How long were the appointments you had with them? Were there multiple appointments?

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55 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am so sorry friend. 
 

I swear by Epsom salt hot baths. You can get a huge bag for $5.  It helps with muscles, anxiety and just overall state of being. 
 

Hope you feel better.

Thank you! You are so kind. I haven't taken a bath in 20+ years. Lol

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. How long were the appointments you had with them? Were there multiple appointments?

For the 1st week, I had 3 appointments. Tests on my body, assessments and major re-alignments.

Then, 1 re-adjustment for 15min every 2 weeks.

Then, 1 re-adjustment every month.

The early appointments and biweekly re-adjustments were good. The monthly adjustments were not as necessary. Just remember to do the stretching exercises that they give you.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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20 minutes ago, Bird By Bird said:

For the 1st week, I had 3 appointments. Tests on my body, assessments and major re-alignments.

Then, 1 re-adjustment for 15min every 2 weeks.

Then, 1 re-adjustment every month.

The early appointments and biweekly re-adjustments were good. The monthly adjustments were not as necessary. Just remember to do the stretching exercises that they give you.

Thank you!

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Today I watched porn after studying. It was a 5 day length without it. I needed the time away. Hopefully tomorrow I'm not craving it and if I am I'll practice control like the past 5 days. I studied today but not as much as I wanted. Tomorrow will be better. I talked to a lot of people on the phone today. 

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Today was a better day. I still was tired from poor sleep, but I got more work done today than average days last week and then I was able to study for over 2 hours after work. I'm so proud of myself because I normally never study after work from depression or being tired. If I can keep this pace up I'll be done studying way before the exam and I'm feeling good about it.

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I'm having trouble unwinding before bed. I just day dream and think for hours. I watched tv for an hour after studying but it did nothing. 

I think about spending time with friends, what my future girlfriend will be like, stuff to do at work, how much more to study, e.t.c. 

Meditation doesn't work for me. There's gotta be a way to calm down before bed that doesn't include meditation or porn or masturbation. Reading doesn't work either. 

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On 9/20/2020 at 2:18 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you! You are so kind. I haven't taken a bath in 20+ years. Lol

Oh haha!!!

 

It must be a female thing. Or maybe only me thing... I could sit in a bath for hours!!!

 

I am sorry you are having trouble winding down.  That must be really hard. 😞 I hope things turn around for you sleep wise... I really do. 
 

Take care and be well. You are such a beautiful being... you deserve peace. 

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5 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Oh haha!!!

 

It must be a female thing. Or maybe only me thing... I could sit in a bath for hours!!!

 

I am sorry you are having trouble winding down.  That must be really hard. 😞 I hope things turn around for you sleep wise... I really do. 
 

Take care and be well. You are such a beautiful being... you deserve peace. 

Thank you! I appreciate that! I'll think about the bath. A lot of people take them I think. I might be the weird one. 

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I'm a little annoyed. I had a good day overall, but I forced myself to watch porn tonight to relax. It worked, but I wasn't really aroused and feel bad about it. I am gonna try exercising instead next time. I did really well at work and I'm studying again tonight.

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I haven't taken a bath for at least 15 years, always just taking quick showers. Probably because I am tall so I would need a longer bath to be more comfortable. I somewhat cringe at the stereotypical "woman taking a bubble bath while drinking wine" trope, I see it a lot on instagram, but I'll forgive you @Icandothis if you are that woman :P

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Today was tricky at work but good. I studied for 3 hours tonight and finished a whole section. I'm exhausted, but happy with myself. I'm ahead of schedule. I'm wondering if I can sustain this pace though. I'm already tired because of the stress from work. I plan on taking a week off during the week of the exam. I'm going to request it tomorrow. I deserve the time off and will give it my all to pass but also be well rested. Studying won't matter if I'm burnt out. 

I had a dream that I met a girl, asked her out, and began dating her. We went on several dates together and enjoyed our time together. It was a really nice dream. She was really pretty. I hope I can one day have a girlfriend. After my exam maybe. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I had a productive day at work today and then I left early to see my friends at work. We sat outside together and saw each other for the first time in months. We then went out for dinner after. They all looked at me and said it was extremely noticeable that I lost 30 lbs. I guess I don't really notice it when I look in the mirror because I see myself every day. But they stared at me for a few minutes in shock lol.

It was the first time I've socialized with people since March. I missed it so much. I feel like I was in prison or something and just got out. I'm honestly overjoyed with emotion that I can't even wind down for bed. I feel like I took an energy pill that could last me for days. I missed seeing people so much. I missed laughing with people and sharing stupid stories. I missed everything. I'm so happy and full of life and energy I can't even describe it. I missed looking people in the eyes. Ah I'm overwhelmed right now just remembering how my night went. It was honestly one of the best days of the year for me. I listened to extremely loud and energetic music on the way down and back home. I sang both ways. I haven't been filled with this kind of life, love, and happiness in years it feels. I feel like I could run a marathon and fight a bear at the same time while telling a series of jokes to an audience. It's unreal.

This kind of puts life into perspective for me. I enjoy working from home, but really miss seeing people. It's really made me think about how much I might be missing out in life from how restrictive I am on living. Obviously the virus will quarantine us for another 1 year or so, but I really am happy right now. This makes me confident that I'll be able to meet a woman and have a relationship. I can't imagine what I'm missing out on in life by not having that companionship, love, and partnership. I'm just so happy I could see my friends today.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today was really great again. I wasn't as productive at work as I'd have hoped, but I helped people with their problems and got started on stuff for next week. I went out to lunch with my friend today and had a great time. I then played tennis with my friend for a few hours and met her friends. We played doubles together as well. I had a great time. I really missed being around people. I'm hoping to do more soon. I'm going to eat and make sure to study a bit tonight to stay on track.

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Today I'm 100 weeks free from gaming and 102 weeks free from social media. I've finally hit triple digit weeks of each. That's pretty incredible to think about. I wish I could get that far with porn recovery, but I decided to look at my porn recovery as a collective recovery vs a longevity recovery. I've gone multiple weeks without watching porn or masturbating this year and have drastically cut down the amount I've watched porn over the past 2 years. I was watching it at least 15 times per week for years and I probably only watch it 5 or 6 times per week on average now. That is almost a normal amount of watching. I'd still like to get that down to maybe 1 or 2 times per week and eventually 0. But I've really improved so I'm proud of that.

I started today off a little slow as I was tired from all the tennis and sports yesterday. I feel really good to be sore again. I feel more alive and full of life. I really missed sports and socializing. It's the ultimate cure for depression and habit addictions.

Today I plan to study for 4-8 hours depending on how I feel and replicate that tomorrow. I think I'd be in a really good spot if I did that. I paid my bills today, meal prepped, cleaned a little, listened to music, and some relaxing shows. I'm in a good spot mentally.

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I'm a little annoyed today because I didn't study at all this weekend. I was feeling really burnt out from studying so much last week that I just wanted to relax. I also relapsed with porn a bunch yesterday. Today I had no relapses.

Something I'm learning is that whenever I want to avoid something that I need to do I do anything possible to escape it. So I previously would play video games, but now I watch porn, take naps, watch TV, eat junk food, and watch YouTube or something. I think we all do this when we're stressed. The correlation I wanted to highlight was the fact that I was doing this so much over the spring and summer months when I was forcing myself to work on that cartoon and animation. I don't think I want to do that stuff full time. I had no problem playing sports, going rock climbing, watching a movie, listening to music, relaxing, etc. It reminds me of how I feel now with studying.

The funny thing is if I study for 1-2 hours tops I have no anxiety and don't feel the need to watch porn or escape. I just sit down and study. If the weekend arrives I will tell myself "Oh, I can study for 8 hours each day." Then I will panic and avoid the situation and just go to my old escapism routines.

One of the ways I was able to quit video games was to channel my triggers into other things like exercise and socializing. Obviously, I can't do that as much with the virus, but I will say that I need to do the same thing with studying. It presents major anxiety within me and I panic big time. Going forward with studying and creative hobbies that feel like work, I will just do my 1-2 hours tops and if I feel like doing more I'll do it and if I don't then I won't. No big deal. It is ok. Stop setting ultimatums with everything I do. Just live life.

I also relapsed with porn because I was lonely. I socialized on Thursday and Friday and it was so wonderful. I am going to apply the strategy of not overwhelming myself with tasks for studying and hobbies as well as going out and socializing when I'm lonely. I'm not alone. I am just lonely. I can apply my friendship with others and overcome this without seeking the "affection" and "intimacy" of fake women on porn sites. I'm 1 month away from my exam finishing. After that I can go back to relaxing. I have feelings for the woman I played tennis with and would like to explore those after the exam ends. I'm not going to bury myself on dating apps. We all know how irate they make me. But I will explore my social network. I have dozens of friends who have dozens of friends. I'm going to naturally meet a woman through common interests and people and feel good about it. No need to panic. I've got this.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm a little lonely tonight and would love a hug or something. I talked to my family on the phone for a few hours and some friends which was good. I just sometimes want a hug at night and to know I'm loved. 

I know I'm loved in general, but just a hug in the moment is special. You can laugh at me for this but because of the quarantine I actually keep a stuffed animal with me and give it hugs sometimes. It's such a lonely time in history. It gives me warmth and I smile with it. It's a German shepherd. 

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

The funny thing is if I study for 1-2 hours tops I have no anxiety and don't feel the need to watch porn or escape. I just sit down and study. If the weekend arrives I will tell myself "Oh, I can study for 8 hours each day." Then I will panic and avoid the situation and just go to my old escapism routines.

I feel the same. When I had a "study day" the last time, I managed about 4 hours and I felt I did something I couldn't do the next day, because I overdid it and didn't give myself enough time to relax.

17 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I know I'm loved in general, but just a hug in the moment is special. You can laugh at me for this but because of the quarantine I actually keep a stuffed animal with me and give it hugs sometimes. It's such a lonely time in history. It gives me warmth and I smile with it. It's a German shepherd. 

I had a secondary pillow ever since I was 10, but it started falling apart a few years ago. Then my X gave me an aromatic melissa pillow and I've been sleeping with it up until these days. Over time, I came to think of it as a testament that I had a woman once and that I can have one again. I kiss it good night every now and then.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I feel the same. When I had a "study day" the last time, I managed about 4 hours and I felt I did something I couldn't do the next day, because I overdid it and didn't give myself enough time to relax.

I had a secondary pillow ever since I was 10, but it started falling apart a few years ago. Then my X gave me an aromatic melissa pillow and I've been sleeping with it up until these days. Over time, I came to think of it as a testament that I had a woman once and that I can have one again. I kiss it good night every now and then.

Thanks for relating. It's nice knowing my feelings are not uncommon. It brings me comfort so I'll keep it going. 

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I had multiple panic attacks last night and I feel like I'm in recovery now this morning as I calm down. Very poor sleep. 

My body felt light as a feather and I kept having hot flashes followed by cold flashes. I awoke multiple times in a cold sweat with this feeling of mental wear and depletion. My chest and back feel like they're moving in slow motion now as I recover. The calmness of my bedroom just has me in awe and I can't help but stare blankly at the walls to soak up the feeling of stillness. 

My window is open and the cool autumn breeze scented with fallen leaves and decay calms me. Bugs are still chirping and it's all I hear. I'm going to be ok. 

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