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BooksandTrees
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I thought today was Monday and forgot about therapy and missed over half of it. Darn. Still a good session, but I'm frustrated because I wanted to talk more in depth about my study habit issue. Maybe I only need a short session. It was really informative to be honest. 

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I am sorry about your therapy appointment... I am glad you got a good session in still.

 

This is totally unsolicited advice... but my therapist gave this to me. She said maybe I don’t need to do or try to fix or look for a solution. Maybe I just to sit with feelings. In my case anger + pain + loss + grief + helplessness. I am not sure  if it’s shame or exhaustion for you. 
 

Maybe sitting with those feelings and allowing them to be there... just as they are. Yes friend... there is space for this too. 
 

Maybe this might help? Sending love and energy. 

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9 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I am sorry about your therapy appointment... I am glad you got a good session in still.

 

This is totally unsolicited advice... but my therapist gave this to me. She said maybe I don’t need to do or try to fix or look for a solution. Maybe I just to sit with feelings. In my case anger + pain + loss + grief + helplessness. I am not sure  if it’s shame or exhaustion for you. 
 

Maybe sitting with those feelings and allowing them to be there... just as they are. Yes friend... there is space for this too. 
 

Maybe this might help? Sending love and energy. 

We will see. I think I'm avoiding studying because the exam was canceled before and I spent 2 months studying for it. So I feel like I wasted that time in a way. I also don't want to study too much this time around because I studied for 2 months originally and that's annoying. I also have a mindset of studying when I have pressure on myself. Studying randomly doesn't help me because I won't retain something for 3 months. 

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I told my boss I was a little overwhelmed with some of my projects and was honest in the fact that I wasn't going to be able to complete one of them. So he was happy I said it and gave it to someone else. I was so nervous about asking him about that. I was panicking hard. I'm very thankful he understood since I've been so busy and will continue to be very busy. It's been distracting me from my exam as well.

Today was also the first day I followed my daily planner all day long for the first time in 4 months surprisingly. I had this checklist to get me through the day and I stopped following it after May started and I think I derailed from there emotionally. I'm now checking off tasks every few hours to make sure I'm on track. I think this will help me study. I'm also naturally tired at night now which is rare.

Tomorrow night I start studying.

I also wanted to mention how desperate I feel for a woman's love and company. It's pretty sad to be honest. I miss that woman who I was talking to so much. I just spent too much time talking to her and she has a husband and kids. I think we were on course for cheating and I'm against that. I don't even know what she looks like and I'm so shallow from porn that if I wasn't attracted to her I would avoid at all costs. I know that sounds terrible but porn has made me have a difficult time getting past looks in a relationship. I also don't believe in settling for someone and I have a very high opinion of myself. I probably look like an asshole right now so I'm sorry if what I wrote was offensive. I just think there's something indescribable about the emotional connection from a woman and I'm struggling without talking to this woman. I was spending like 3 hours a night talking to her for 3 weeks. Imagine if I got dumped in real life by a girl? I'm too fragile after avoiding dating for so long. Maybe I should never date. 

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I can't sleep at all tonight. I keep thinking and then overheating. I've gone down a thought spiral back to elementary school. I decided to get out of bed and change my environment a bit. I'm journaling now. I am thinking so much because I'm lonely. I want a girlfriend to share affection with and be compassionate with. It makes me feel good to be sweet to someone I care about. I miss feeling that. 

The stress of this exam is so much. For some reason I can't separate it and just do 1 hour per day and then enjoy the other hours. Maybe I'm someone who is all or nothing. It's terrible. I'd like to be some and something.

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I feel you on the "want a girlfriend to share affection with" part. I spent a lot of my 2019. feeling that way (and as you know, I had a phase 2 months ago when those feeling resurfaced again). I don't have any good advice, I just wish you best of luck either finding that soon, or finding your peace without it for a time.

I recommend Valerian tea to make you sleep better. It's kind of stinky, but it does wonders (so effective its often prescribed by doctors these days).
About your studying - most of us who are "all or nothing" are guys who have a rough time starting, but once we do we do a lot of work. 

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19 hours ago, gargamel said:

I feel you on the "want a girlfriend to share affection with" part. I spent a lot of my 2019. feeling that way (and as you know, I had a phase 2 months ago when those feeling resurfaced again). I don't have any good advice, I just wish you best of luck either finding that soon, or finding your peace without it for a time.

I recommend Valerian tea to make you sleep better. It's kind of stinky, but it does wonders (so effective its often prescribed by doctors these days).
About your studying - most of us who are "all or nothing" are guys who have a rough time starting, but once we do we do a lot of work. 

I agree. I'll be ok. I think I need to reel it all in. I'll be dedicated to studying this weekend and get a nice start. The girlfriend thing will come. I have some sleepy time tea that I'll integrate.

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I had a really good day and I think I'm really moving towards being able to study a good amount this weekend.

One issue is I feel like I'm displaying simp behavior and it bothers me. I keep dodging activities that I'd normally do in hopes of talking to a woman or something. I normally don't do this. I'm wondering if the isolation of the virus is impacting me this way. I get hopes of talking to someone in my therapy group or something and it's just not good for me. I need to get a grip I think.

I think this relates to my porn addiction as well. I know it makes me feel bad and has mostly negative effects. But my enthusiasm for it and emotional release is what keeps me coming back. Sometimes in my most vulnerable moments I'll be too eager to put a woman on a pedestal and treat them like gold when I'm not given the same in return. It's strange. Like I want to treat them like a queen in hopes of getting that in return and it never happens. 

Why not just treat myself like a king? Is it just that much better with someone you're attracted to or something? It's tough to be compassionate and caring for yourself in today's society. Idk.

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Today I'm 98 weeks on my journey. I feel disappointed because I didn't go to bed on time yesterday. I have been so undisciplined. I woke up and felt terrible. I watched porn 4 times because of feeling bad. I didn't study. I need to get my shit together. It's pissing me off. I'm not putting myself first and I'm getting tired of it.

I think studying for this exam is going to be another big transformation of my personality for the better. I think it will allow me to have perseverance in accomplishing a tough goal. I think it will propel me in my dreams of doing animation, drums, and reaching more of my potential.

My goal for tomorrow is to avoid porn. I'd like to study a bit and make headway. I can do this. I also want to sit in my chair better for corrective posture. Porn is turning me into a simp and I don't like it. I will get through this mental bog. 

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

You have a posture enhancing chair? Sounds cool.

No, I just don't sit in it properly. I recline it back and sit on my lower back instead of my normal sitting position and it is causing me pain in my tailbone etc. It's also causing me to curve my entire body. So I'm going to be vigilant about not doing it.

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Congrats on yet another milestone! You are doing so great and we are so proud of you! 
 

Be patient and gentle with yourself. You have already accomplished more then most will in their entire career. Have you connected with anyone who has already taken the exam? Maybe they could give you some tips or help encourage you?

 

Keep going! You can do this. 🙂

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3 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Congrats on yet another milestone! You are doing so great and we are so proud of you! 
 

Be patient and gentle with yourself. You have already accomplished more then most will in their entire career. Have you connected with anyone who has already taken the exam? Maybe they could give you some tips or help encourage you?

 

Keep going! You can do this. 🙂

Thanks. I think I'm starting to get a grip of things again. I just think I constantly put women and others in front of me and try to help them instead of helping myself and they don't help me in return. It's a simp life and I'm not known for this. It's pissing me off.

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I feel better today. I woke up exhausted because of yesterday's porn issue. I think there's a point a lot of the nofap community makes regarding semen retention and its impact on your soul. I feel so dead after doing it and full of life after about a week or two. I watched a few shows and sports games that I enjoyed. Football is back so I watched my team win. I watched a really good rock climbing movie. I talked to my dad for 2 hours. I blocked contact with the person using me for emotional support and not offering any in return. I'm dedicated to studying now. I'm going to ace this exam and propel my career. I also meal prepped for a few meals, cleaned, paid some bills, and organized myself. This week is going to be a big week, but I'm going to get through it.

The next 6 weeks are going to push me mentally and I'm ready. I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it without porn.

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I woke up 2 hours before my alarm today but I was full of energy and hungry for breakfast. I debated going back to sleep but every time I've done that I've felt groggy and stressed out. So I stretched, made breakfast, stood outside and zoned out for a bit and started work. I'm hoping to develop a strategy to wake up and sleep naturally. Reducing stress will limit my porn urges. I also feel more motivated to study after work today instead of napping. 

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I agree with you that staying away from scraps increases your energy. I just count so much on the value of distractions Matt. Brian talked about how willpower is limited, which is why the cunning is in distracting your thinking with the right kind of thing at certain moments in the day. I am following a journal of RB1, and he said that he went to a skatepark and skated a bit despite not feeling it. Upon coming back home he felt invigorated and safe. The physical state absolutely affects the mental state which is why I like that you look after yourself and turn away from the scraps.

I am not good socially, but I try to speak to people more than I did before and this helps me to be less absent minded. I also found that this encouraging type of anger helps me to bear embarrassment and unpleasant feelings and proceed with doing the right thing. 

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I agree. I think our environment shapes who we are. I started and left work early today and feel a lot better about it. I'm gonna sit outside now and relax. I was gonna go for a walk but my stomach is starting to bother me and I don't want to be caught out of the house and have to go to the bathroom. 

I plan on eating in 1.5 hours or so and studying for 2 hours before relaxing for the night. I'm on 2 days without porn but there are moments where I want to look at it or something. 

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I agree. I think our environment shapes who we are. I started and left work early today and feel a lot better about it. I'm gonna sit outside now and relax. I was gonna go for a walk but my stomach is starting to bother me and I don't want to be caught out of the house and have to go to the bathroom. 

I plan on eating in 1.5 hours or so and studying for 2 hours before relaxing for the night. I'm on 2 days without porn but there are moments where I want to look at it or something. 

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I got started studying, cleaned my whole apartment, did laundry, did dishes, meal prepped, sorted my mail, and now I'm sitting outside in the cool weather. 

Sometimes the cold air calms me down and grounds my thoughts. Deep breaths help stabilize me. I find it funny how years ago I could never sit and relax because I needed to play video games. Next month will be 2 years for me. 

The clarity I feel right now is a good omen. These next 6 weeks I'll have the drive and passion to study properly and nail this test. I visualize my success like I did through college and my career accomplishments. This is my world. This is my story. 

It's nights like tonight that remind me I don't mind the northeast. I don't need warmth all the time. Sometimes we need adversity to push ourselves to do great things. Comfort doesn't always allow us to excel. I find escapism is a way to continuously find comfort. It's not good to always be pushed but it's also not good to always be comfortable. My calmness in this cold and stress is a sign that I'm ready. Tonight is one of those nights I choose to cherish as a turning point in my year. It's game time. 

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