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BooksandTrees
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I ordered dinner from a restaurant today and went to pick it up. The waitresses there were so beautiful that I was frozen. This is how bad the pandemic has been lol. I haven't seen more than like 2 women in 6 months and then I see like 15 at this restaurant. 

Ohhhhhhhh baby I need to get this exam over with and just start trying to meet these girls. I'm not going to use a dating app because I'm not gonna attract the 8s through 10s there. I can do it in person. 

I sound crazy talking about this but I think many men and women have been depraved of sexual attraction and flirting with the virus and it's magnified when you meet someone. 

GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURL HOW YOU DOINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?????????????????????????

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I rebounded really well today. I really struggled to get work done all day today and wasted the first 4-6 hours of the day. I then just decided to get dinner and reset. I then worked for 6 hours and got my project done that I was stressed about and actually enjoyed the project. The funny thing is the material is the same as the test material I was going to study so I ended up technically studying for that time as well. I feel a lot better about myself. My anxiety is completely gone and I feel proud of myself. I had such a rough morning and night and I just am so proud of myself for being strong and staying through it.

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Today was better than yesterday. I got work done and had a few doctor appointments. I didn't get to study, but I am going to relax and enjoy tonight. I'm going to begin my studying tomorrow and stay on pace for 1-2 videos per day instead of trying to do several longer days. I feel a lot better with anxiety now. I ordered a steel tongue drum that yoga practitioners use for meditation. That should get here this week. I want to be able to relax and make noises in peace. I miss yoga class.

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I had a very productive work day. I also talked to my friends for a few hours after work. I didn't feel like studying today. I don't know why. My relaxation drum came today and I played it for some time while relaxing. It made me feel good. I've found that I enjoy listening to a music style called Chillwave or Synthwave. It's relaxing as well. 

I take it from my frame of mind that I'm exhausted. All I've wanted to do is relax and enjoy myself. I clearly burned myself out with stress. Tomorrow I plan on grocery shopping, working, playing tennis, cooking, and hopefully studying.

I haven't felt the need to watch porn since Sunday or so. I have this weird sensation in my gut and mind saying I need to do it but I just haven't wanted to watch it. I feel cheated by porn. I find the plots incredibly annoying now. It's always the same stupid scenarios and the same positions with the same dialogue and stars who look similar. It's irritating. I was doing normal masturbation on Monday and felt a stronger emotion thinking about the woman who was telling me she didn't want to stop talking to me because I make her happy and she enjoys my company. Now, I stopped talking to her because I found out she had a family, but that was more passionate and real than this garbage online. I'm tired of that. It got me angry. I want real love. I want authentic, sultry,passionate romance with words and actions from the heart. I want love to transform into lust and transform back to love again. I also haven't felt the need to masturbate since Monday either. 

I believe I'll find love one day. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Great to see that when you had your free time, you did something that was new to you and counter to your old patterns. This is the only thing that opens new perspectives in life. Otherwise things just stay the same. If there is a feeling of loss, (cause you have forgone your usual harmful activity) there is always an answer that cannot be challenged: you are on a path to a new way of life and and everything is subordinate to this endeavor.

I have read in the “power of habit” that old habits can only be rewired into something new and healthy. If you simply drop a habit and abstain, its very tough, maybe even impossible. I wish that more important things are coming into your life that will make this bad habit of yours redundant and you will better see how it undermines you. I think it feels this way to you already.

Edited by Amphibian220
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11 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Great to see that when you had your free time, you did something that was new to you and counter to your old patterns. This is the only thing that opens new perspectives in life. Otherwise things just stay the same. If there is a feeling of loss, (cause you have forgone your usual harmful activity) there is always an answer that cannot be challenged: you are on a path to a new way of life and and everything is subordinate to this endeavor.

I have read in the “power of habit” that old habits can only be rewired into something new and healthy. If you simply drop a habit and abstain, its very tough, maybe even impossible. I wish that more important things are coming into your life that will make this bad habit of yours redundant and you will better see how it undermines you. I think it feels this way to you already.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I've been trying to rewrite my habit and reward behaviors so that's been an interesting process.

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Today was nice. I woke up and got a lot accomplished at work. I then went grocery shopping and got 3 months worth of food so I'm good again. I got back to work and got more stuff done. I then went to play tennis with my friends and we went out to eat after. It was a really great time. I talked to my dad on the way home and now I feel pretty content. I'll probably take a shower and relax a bit before sleeping. I don't feel lonely today. It is nice. I also played my hand drum. The drum I got is the same as the one in this video and it's nice to make these noises when I'm relaxing.

 

 

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I wasn't as actively reading your journal throughout the months, but you seem to be generally in a better place then you were 4-5 months ago. You seem happier. That's good.

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12 hours ago, gargamel said:

I wasn't as actively reading your journal throughout the months, but you seem to be generally in a better place then you were 4-5 months ago. You seem happier. That's good.

Medication has helped as well as communicating with people at work and outside of work my issues. 

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I'm a little stressed from work projects becoming due soon and my exam studying. It's interesting because I used to turn to porn to deal with this stress and now I don't even get aroused by it. Maybe it's a phase thing but this week I haven't felt the urge to watch porn. This has come after I have agreed to socialize more and also not care about it.

One major thing I've noticed is all of my dreams at night have been incredibly sexual. Vivid sexual experiences and conversations beyond what I normally have. 

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I finished my work projects and feel really good about it. I solved all my problems and think I'll be ready for next week. Tonight I plan on studying for 1 of my video segments. This weekend I plan on being more kind to myself. 

Schedule:

Saturday: bank, study 1 video, clean apartment, relax, study 1 video if possible, call a friend, do a hobby.

Sunday: Study 1 video, relax, tennis with friend, relax, study 1 video if possible.

I won't be forcing myself to do pressure of 8-12 hours per day of studying. That forced me to relapse with porn last weekend and then sleep all day long both days. I ended up doing nothing both days and no studying then felt sick all week from stress. So I'll be kinder to myself this weekend and try this more reasonable, time-friendly approach.

Treat myself well so I can be well. 

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I'm already growing more tired of my apartment. I don't like being around loud people. They annoy me. I don't like sharing walls with others. I just want my space. People are annoying. I dream of owning a home with distant neighbors only but in a town with people. I'll find it one day. 

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Today I'm 101 weeks free from gaming. I went to the bank, did laundry, ate, traveled, talked to family and now relaxing before studying. I also tried out new computer chairs since mine is hurting my tail bone. I think I found one so I'll try it out. 

I'm hoping to get 1 or 2 videos done today to test my theory. I also woke up earlier than previous weekends by over 3 hours. 

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My neighbors have some sort of vibrating machine in the room adjacent to my computer room. It's complete bullshit. I'm friendly with them so I think I'm going to ask about it and let them know that it makes me feel sick. It just started like last week. They must have bought something. It's literally on for hours. It's not an air conditioner or anything because there is an air conditioner in their window that you can't hear. But sometimes it turns off, like an air compressor or something. It's on for hours at a time and it's not the heater. You can only feel or hear it when you're in the room sharing the same wall as them. You can't hear or feel it downstairs either. It's only in the upstairs room adjacent to this room. I need to ask and figure it out. Sometimes it turns off for about 30 minutes to an hour but recently it's been on non-stop. 

If they can turn that off or relocate it I might enjoy living here. But if not it's gonna be a long 8 months. I'll just need to pass my exam and then focus on buying a home with a yard. My main goal is get this fucking yard so I never have to have loud neighbors again or share a wall again. I don't like other people. Not many people think about others and it's frustrating.

My main issue is I don't get how people in THEIR house don't feel the vibrations and get tired of it. I don't understand. I just think it's garbage that i have a vibration problem again after all the trouble i went through last year. I can't win. Watch my next house be on a fault line. I don't like other people.

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I tried watching porn today and couldn't do it. I've grown frustrated over how stupid it is. I'm tired of it. It's becoming embarrassing to watch. I just think it's interesting that something I was so dependent on is now being rejected. 

I also think I'm noticing vibrations more due to stress from this exam. I thought my job was stressful but i can handle that. This exam is stressing me out more than anything. I'm just hoping to pass. 

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Today was frustrating because I once again avoided studying for most of the day. I got so stressed out just thinking about it that I avoided it. I slept all day long and just was miserable. But then I called my mom and talked for a bit and then listened to some motivating music. I've now studied for 3 hours and because I'm not tired due to sleeping all day I might do another 2 hours.

I'm very proud of myself for fighting back and studying. It's been very easy so far and I stressed out over nothing. It's understandable because nobody wants to spend their free time doing extra work, especially when you already have a full time job, bachelors and masters degrees, and have proven yourself in the professional community. But this is the last test for me and it's very important to pass this. It grants me everything I want in life at a professional level. Just gotta stick with it. I got this.

Edit: I did the extra study time and did about 5 hours of studying tonight. I accomplished my goal in a roundabout way but I at least accomplished it. I'll now relax and go to bed and get ready for a good day at work tomorrow. Gotta make a big effort.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I tried watching porn today and couldn't do it. I've grown frustrated over how stupid it is. I'm tired of it. It's becoming embarrassing to watch. I just think it's interesting that something I was so dependent on is now being rejected. 

I also think I'm noticing vibrations more due to stress from this exam. I thought my job was stressful but i can handle that. This exam is stressing me out more than anything. I'm just hoping to pass. 

Good stuff! All your hard work is starting to pay off! 

I know when I was on hardcore NoFap a long time ago, I felt the same when I was on long streaks. 

Your post gives me motivation to redouble my efforts on this front. Thank you!

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9 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Good stuff! All your hard work is starting to pay off! 

I know when I was on hardcore NoFap a long time ago, I felt the same when I was on long streaks. 

Your post gives me motivation to redouble my efforts on this front. Thank you!

Glad I could be of help. I'm happy with the awareness and progress I've made this year. 

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On 10/1/2020 at 6:52 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Today was nice. I woke up and got a lot accomplished at work. I then went grocery shopping and got 3 months worth of food so I'm good again. I got back to work and got more stuff done. I then went to play tennis with my friends and we went out to eat after. It was a really great time. I talked to my dad on the way home and now I feel pretty content. I'll probably take a shower and relax a bit before sleeping. I don't feel lonely today. It is nice. I also played my hand drum. The drum I got is the same as the one in this video and it's nice to make these noises when I'm relaxing.

 

 

When did you get the hand drum?

 

I was going to get one, but then was not sure about quality and how it would sound.  Do you like yours?

 

Hope you are doing well!

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14 hours ago, Icandothis said:

When did you get the hand drum?

 

I was going to get one, but then was not sure about quality and how it would sound.  Do you like yours?

 

Hope you are doing well!

I got it last week and enjoy playing it. I don't follow notes. I just hit the tones I want to hear. I am doing well, thanks!

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I didn't sleep well last night but I had a productive day. It was stressful and still isn't over. I'm awaiting news on a submission. Hopefully it is completed. I then want to make dinner and relax before studying for a couple hours. I found out what the vibration was. It's the fan vent from my neighbors. They had left it on for a long period of time and I told them it was making me motion sick. They were kind and understood and turned it off. I feel better now.

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I have a new strategy for the studying. I'm going to leave the videos on during work and make sure it records the fact that I watched the videos. I need to do this because if I fail the test and I didn't watch every video, I don't get a refund. They actually refund you $2,000 if you don't pass and watch all videos.

I am doing this also because the video instructors waste a lot of time rambling and I need to get to the point. So I'm going to skip through portions of the class that i find a waste of time and just do practice problems. This will speed up my studying process by about 20 hours out of the 45 I have remaining. This will allow me to just do problems and concentrate on actual studying. I don't need someone explaining theory to me for a test where you just solve practical problems.

If I can do this then I'll be fine for the test. I find that they don't even let you solve problems. They just keep talking at you and then want you to solve problems on your own. 

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I was so stressed today. I tried deep breathing, puzzles, calling people, but nothing worked. I found a sensual porn video and watched it. There was no talking and no plot. It was passionate. I really loved it. I can't wait for romance some day. My stress is gone and I'm finally relaxing. I think I need sexual release every so often and it's something I've discussed on here. 

I think having self control with masturbation is important. I've done a lot better recently. 

I've also been playing my hand pan drum before bed and when I wake up. It's nice to hear the hymns I create. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I don't think this exam is worth it anymore. I don't know. I'm so stressed right now that I feel every vibration in my house and out of it. I didn't feel it at all until I started studying. I think stress affects us all differently. I just think it's funny how stress from my job doesn't make me nauseous or anything but this exam does. 

This has made me more determined to pass so I never have to feel like this again. I'm so miserable. 

To be honest this is the first time I've studied for something without video games because I quit gaming 6 months after my masters degree. 

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