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NEW VIDEO: Psychologist's WARNING About VIDEO GAMES

Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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Today was better than yesterday, but still exhausting. I slept for about 14 hours. I was so tired. I'm still very tired. My pain is diminished a little and I'm not nauseous at all which I'm eternally thankful for after yesterday.

I've had very strong video game cravings the past few days. I think the reasons are interesting to investigate. The first reason is I'm tired. I think being tired used to be my biggest reason for playing games or masturbating. I didn't want to go to bed and I'd just force myself to stay awake. Whenever I'm tired I want to do something to prevent being tired. I also haven't really done much over the past few days. I've done some 3d modeling each day and got that progressed, but I've really just being laying down in pain watching TV. It would be more fun to play games instead. I'm also really upset about my situation where I hurt myself and it is alluring to escape to a world where I wouldn't feel any pain. I'm stressed out from my animation because I am at another part I have not done before and it would be easier to just enjoy time on a video game. It would also be so easy to do an AFK skill on a game while I'm working from home. I know multiple people who just spend the whole day fishing or something on RuneScape. The issue is I have a harder job than those people. They do basic typing tasks or filing etc. I'm designing infrastructure. So I can't afford to be distracted. I have more responsibility and take pride in it. I think if I played video games again I'd feel compelled to play games again. I also think I'd want to think about it instead of work.

I'm bored. I want to have more fun and I'm not. I think it would be more fun. I'm not gonna be dating anyone anyways or hanging out with anyone. I kind of just want to play games the whole day. Watching TV is not as restorative, but it's easier on the mind than video games. IDK. I just think those are the reasons I crave at the moment.

I don't think I'd come back to gaming. I'm just a little upset right now is all.

Today I slept til 2 PM, ate food, spoke to my therapist, watched TV, spoke to my friend, ate a meal, watched TV, healed some more/rested. You can see why I was bored today.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, therapist. community here, medicine, God, and myself for resting.

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I'm feeling a little worse tonight but not as bad as yesterday. I just wanted to update it. 

This is a very important lesson to me and I hope the pain and side effects are only temporary. I will never masturbate again unless it's medically required for my benefit. This isn't ever worth it.

I want to keep reaffirming to myself that I'll promise never to hurt myself again. I want to dedicate my life to loving myself, others, and finding balance. 

If it doesn't get significantly better by Monday I'll schedule another appointment. I think I made a huge improvement in the past day so I'm hoping it continues. I'm trying to eat properly, drink water, rest, etc. 

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I can't stop thinking tonight about how I feel like I've cheated myself out of happiness. I'm happy with my life, but I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety due to the fact that I want to achieve so much. 

When I was younger I was so obsessed with outer space, robots, and science. I loved dragonballz and gundam. I think it's motivated me to make my cartoon. 

My only regret is I sometimes wish I could have done robotics and mechanical engineering instead of civil engineering. I don't get to create unique things in my industry. Civil engineering is just about being more efficient over years of experience and making similar structures. 

I guess my other issue is my love for science and space is flooding my mind and overwhelming me to the point of anxiety attacks. 

I want to write short stories, long stories, make cartoons, etc. I spent almost 20 years non stop gaming and watching porn. 

I'm making up for it now and I understand that. I'm just disappointed sometimes and don't know what to work on next. I find myself escaping into tv or talking to people instead. 

I was going to finish this post by saying how disappointed I am in myself, but I just remembered sitting at home as a 10 year old drawing a gundam. I worked so hard on it and it didn't come out well. So I destroyed the picture, broke my artist easel, and slammed everything in my room and started crying because I was such a failure. 

I've been so hard on myself all my life. I'm not gonna let that 10 year old down again. I have my whole life to create art and change things. I will do it. I'm here for me. I love myself. I give myself permission to sleep. I'm happy for today. 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't stop thinking tonight about how I feel like I've cheated myself out of happiness. I'm happy with my life, but I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety due to the fact that I want to achieve so much. 

When I was younger I was so obsessed with outer space, robots, and science. I loved dragonballz and gundam. I think it's motivated me to make my cartoon. 

My only regret is I sometimes wish I could have done robotics and mechanical engineering instead of civil engineering. I don't get to create unique things in my industry. Civil engineering is just about being more efficient over years of experience and making similar structures. 

I guess my other issue is my love for science and space is flooding my mind and overwhelming me to the point of anxiety attacks. 

I want to write short stories, long stories, make cartoons, etc. I spent almost 20 years non stop gaming and watching porn. 

I'm making up for it now and I understand that. I'm just disappointed sometimes and don't know what to work on next. I find myself escaping into tv or talking to people instead. 

I was going to finish this post by saying how disappointed I am in myself, but I just remembered sitting at home as a 10 year old drawing a gundam. I worked so hard on it and it didn't come out well. So I destroyed the picture, broke my artist easel, and slammed everything in my room and started crying because I was such a failure. 

I've been so hard on myself all my life. I'm not gonna let that 10 year old down again. I have my whole life to create art and change things. I will do it. I'm here for me. I love myself. I give myself permission to sleep. I'm happy for today. 

Hey man. I can relate to feeling so crushed by your ambitions that you don't have room to make mistakes, to even BE human. My therapist calls it obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I think the important thing to realize though is you are not the artist or engineer you'll be a year from now, or ten years from now. Assuming you're still practicing these crafts, your skills will grow, and you'll be able easily perform tasks you struggle with today. But you need to give yourself the freedom to practice and make mistakes until you get there.

My 'thing' is writing, shooting, and editing videos. I've made videos so bad early on that I cringe a little bit looking back. But I SLAVED in vain over those videos trying to make them perfect. I shot one video with a cheap handheld camcorder. I use a DSLR and Stabilizer now. 10 extra hours of editing would not have improved the video at all, but I had to force myself to stop editing and put the video out. 

You're a human being with finite energy and will power. There is so much to do and learn in the world that we cannot master every aspect of one trade let alone every trade. You're doing important work that directly benefits people EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you're interested in robotics, google, take an online course, get a certification, or even work on a degree, but don't pigeon-hole your present accomplishments in engineering.

Your 10 year old self would want you to have a comfortable pad, a car you like to drive, a good job, and fulfilling relationships. In other words, he'd want you to be a chill and happy dude, which you are. Yeah you have some work to do, but we all do. Breathe and take a moment to realize just how far you've come.

Edited by OptimisticMalcontent
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I can really relate with your last post.

Porn was my way to escape. My childhood was really lonely from a perspective of me today. So I went to porn and gaiming (mostly MMORPGs)
because no one really cared.

Selfcare is the best thing we can do today. Doing things that we know are good for us.  

Edited by mks
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@BooksandTrees , you feel anxiety over the fact that you want to achieve so much and it appears that time and energy is insufficient ? What if powering down is actually the key to gaining clarity and wisdom necessary to scoring a victory? Counter-intuitive?

I’ve been in a few boxing matches. The first boxing match I lost cause I threw too many shots in the first round that didn’t connect. I don’t know how many times I missed. The kid was cool and was just letting me do the work. When the first round ended, I felt light headed and only found out from my corner that I am out of breath.

Coach: You are out of breath, look you are choking. I want you to slow down and close the distance with him. Then exchange some punches with him. You are bigger than him, you only need to exchange some punches...

One more thing, I read a UK article about people diagnosed with IBS and stomach ulcers and it touched on this issue. Many UK business people develop problems from nerves and stress- they are so worried about failing. The article then said- it isn’t worth starting a business if the price for it will be your health. This rushing feeling and fear of failure drain the energy and health at an astonishing rate.

this is what I believe , study smooth operators in films or books. Its interesting how they develop a wise dialogue within that allows them to conserve energy and go a long distance. Did you hear that legendary athletes (some great Americans) made comebacks years after being out of sport?

What if you aren’t out of time?

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Most people haven't figured out life by 50-60. (Quote from Gary Vee^^). So I think everyone has this problem. 
It's a problem that society is telling us that we should have at 30 or 40 when everyone has children and building a house.

Everyone has his or her own clock. 

Slowing down helped me a lot. We don't die if we go at a slower pace. 
Reducing expections is also helpful.

"Nobody but you can decide what is enough for you." Quote from How to be an imperfectionist

We have control over our expections. You can decide what's enough for you. But when we fail
to set it, we end up in "never enough". Nothing will be ever enough. Together with unrealistic expectations,
this is a big problem of perfectionism, which I also encounter often. But it's really helpful
to define whats enough.

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Sounds like you could benefit from doing less. Maybe just work on your cartoon and modeling. Idk. You could not set such high expectations for yourself too. That might be helpful.

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Today I'm 89 weeks free from gaming, 91 weeks free from social media, and less than a week free from PMO and MO. I feel a lot better today. I almost have no pain. I slept for an incredible amount of time and feel better because of it. Unfortunately, my days are going by very fast because I keep sleeping a lot. But I'll take that over not sleeping at all. I only got 3 hours of sleep over 2 days before the past 2 days of getting about 12 hours of sleep. So I think I'm stabilizing a bit. I feel much better.

This is also the 2 year anniversary of me signing up for this website.

I read what you guys said above and I thank you for the advice. I appreciate you taking the time to help me prioritize my behavior and see what I'm saying.

I'm also nervous about returning to the office. My office is making people return soon and I have asthma. I'm not comfortable and the CDC said I have the right to continue working from home. They've been very kind to me so far and let me work from home, but I'm kind of unsure what the future holds.

Thank you.

Today I'm grateful for air conditioning, my friends, family, and community.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm a little lonely right now. I think I'm also in the habit of just writing my feelings down to get them out of my system and then go back to what I was doing. I don't think I'm actually applying techniques. 

Like instead of dwelling on being lonely let's look at the circumstances. It's 2 am and nobody is awake, I'm in a quarantine, and my social circle is destroyed. Of course I'm lonely. 

Take a deep breath. Be calm. Be in the present. It is nighttime. It's quiet and beautiful. 

Tomorrow I can talk to friends and do hobbies. Tonight just relax. Calm. 

It's ok. I am ok. I love my apartment. I love my town. I'm in a great spot and happy. I got this. 

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I'm going to try practicing self love all day long and listen to my therapist. 

My goal is to eliminate day dreaming so I don't go on for hours day dreaming. I will also stop thinking about how much I dislike a task at work and just do it. I'll also take a shorter lunch and finish the day sooner. I'll also practice self love and guidance. Instead of thinking a task will take long for animation, I'll be excited that I'm doing an art that I care about.

My dad told me he loved me today. It was one of only a handful of times I've ever heard it. I apologized to my mom, forgave her, and we had a good conversation. 

Treat myself better. 

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

TREAT MYSELF BETTER

Edited by BooksandTrees
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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Treat myself better. 

Nice! This always should come first above everything else—as far as I know! 😂

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My goal is to eliminate day dreaming so I don't go on for hours day dreaming.

My problem as well. It's really hard to stop day dreaming, especially when you get used to it. One thing that helped me to get out of this state is to be aware of the moment. As soon as I realized I'm day dreaming, I ask myself, what am I currently doing?

Hope you feel better soon, @BooksandTrees!

 

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29 minutes ago, chiliflavor said:

Nice! This always should come first above everything else—as far as I know! 😂

My problem as well. It's really hard to stop day dreaming, especially when you get used to it. One thing that helped me to get out of this state is to be aware of the moment. As soon as I realized I'm day dreaming, I ask myself, what am I currently doing?

Hope you feel better soon, @BooksandTrees!

 

Thank you. I agree. Day dreaming is fun but a very delusional form of escapism if done too much. 

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I've never thought of daydreaming as a problem. I wonder if I do that . . . I wonder what it'd be like to be a knight of the round table . .. jk. I'm too busy watching tv to think about my own non sense. 

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Sending love my friend. We believe in you. You are strong and resilient. 
 

You are brave for making all these changes and overcoming so much. 
 

Talk soon. 

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Sending love my friend. We believe in you. You are strong and resilient. 
 

You are brave for making all these changes and overcoming so much. 
 

Talk soon. 

Thank you. I'm losing willpower I feel, but I appreciate it.

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Work was ok today. I didn't get my work accomplished because I did not sleep last night and I felt sick. 

I slept 4 hours after work today and felt better, but didn't exercise or do hobbies so I felt bad again and wrote an explosive post on here and deleted it after second thought. 

I took a 15 minute ice cold shower to calm down. I miss the cold. 

I'm upset because I'm not giving myself any variety in life. I'm not going to the beach, exercising, meeting chicks, road trips, hiking different spots, cooking new foods, attending virtual meetup groups to play board games. Etc. 

I miss grabbing beers with my friends after rock climbing. I miss rock climbing. I miss playing floor hockey. I miss getting beers with them. I miss playing tennis. I miss going to movie theaters. I miss road trips and traveling. I miss the beach. I miss flirting with women and seeing friends. I miss the gym. I miss concerts. I miss new restaurants. I miss museums. I miss the NHL. 

I may have been a video game addict, but at least I still did a lot of those things every week. The only reason I quit games was I felt like if I died as an engineer I'd hate my life and regret it on my death bed. 

I think we're taught to dream to be famous instead of enjoy our lives. I miss video games. 

I wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, watch tv, then get anxiety because I should be doing a hobby and most of my hobbies are work because I'm not great at them yet. Then I watch porn and go to bed. 

This isn't living. 

I'm afraid of relationships. I was sexually abused for 3 years by 2 women and it ruined me mentally. 

I gained 70 or 80 lbs after because I didn't want other women looking at me in a sexual way because I didn't feel safe. Gaining that weight made me hate who I was though. 

I lost the weight and started getting a tremendous amount of attention from women again. Women in my office fought and still fight for my attention, women at the gym stare at me, women at grocery stores and other stores seek my attention, yoga studios are the worst. I get multiple women including the instructors asking me out. 

Men get sexually abused as well. It's not just women. 

I can't heal. I don't know how to do it. How do I trust another woman with my body again? How do I trust she'll not harass me and force me to have sex again? How do I know I won't be abused again?

I don't. I just have to lower my guard, be aware, be strong, and trust her. 

But I don't. I don't trust women. I've been on dates and just see their eyes like a shark. I just feel like they want me and I'll be abused again. The only place i feel safe sexually is watching porn now. 

I'm ashamed of my life because i haven't had love from a woman yet. I don't understand love. If i trust a woman after all this time and then tell her I haven't had sex in 10 years she's going to laugh at me and make me feel humiliated. I'm not going to be good in bed. I feel ashamed. I doubt I'll find someone compassionate enough to understand or be aware I am nervous. 

My therapist said I don't have to tell them, but I do need to tell them. It's important I find a woman who appreciates my confidence and manliness in real life, but will comfort me with my vulnerability as I gain my confidence sexually again. I want a nurturing and caring lover who will be patient with me until I find my feet again and can perform the way I want and how she wants. 

This will help me feel more human and less like a shameful loser. Right now that is how I feel. I feel like a loser for not having intimacy in my life and it hurts. 

I want to feel like a man. I want physical and emotional strength. I want to feel sexually confident and proud of myself and proud that I'm satisfying a woman who I'm sexually attracted to and proud to be with, I want to do well at work, I want to explore the world and lead an exciting life with destination. I want women to find me sexy because that makes me feel sexy and confident. 

I'm an alpha male and need to feel like I'm the head of the pack. I need a healthy sex life. I need to be the leader at work. I need to get praise for my hobbies. I'm an extrovert and alpha male. It's very important that i feel like the lion and not the lone wolf. That's what gets my heart going. I need to be the king of my jungle. Sexual prowess, passionate hobbies, leading my friends and family on adventures and activities, physical strength and achievement, competitive sports, e.t.c. I need adrenaline. Badly. 

I'm not trying to sound like a frat bro or jock from high school. I'm 30 years old. It's very important that i feel like a man and am surrounded by people who help me feel like a man. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Listen man, I'm new here and I know very little about you so, obviously, take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt.

Please don't take this the wrong way but how do you expect to find a new hobby by forcing another? If you don't know what to try just start trying anything. Keep trying until something sticks. Find a course online, pick up a book, take a class, join a Meetup Group...anything to get you out of your comfort zone.

Maybe your focusing too much on the sex aspect of a future relationship? To be fair, I don't know how old you are and I know people in their 20's and 30's are going about "dating" in a much different way then my generation did. (Well this is making me feel old.) Seriously though, I'm no expert, but I don't think the first thought on your mind about a future relationship should be the sexual aspect. Once upon a time, when two people were dating, there would usually be some time where you got to know each other. Like, ya know, a prior date or two. 

There are women out there who are kind and caring and likely looking for the same things you are. I realize it's not easy to see past our faults (or perceived faults) sometimes and it sounds like you've been beating yourself up for a long time (I'm sure you have  your reasons). But if you do end up meeting a lady that's interested in hooking up only, just be honest. Tell her it's been a while. Let her know you've got more then 1 round in ya. Again though, the right girl isn't just going to see you for your faults. Nobody is perfect. That would be so boring. 

Anyway, as I said before, I don't know you. You just sounded like you were having a bit of  day and could use some back and forth. 

Take care. Hope you feel better tomorrow. 

 

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2 minutes ago, MuMuMelon said:

Listen man, I'm new here and I know very little about you so, obviously, take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt.

Please don't take this the wrong way but how do you expect to find a new hobby by forcing another? If you don't know what to try just start trying anything. Keep trying until something sticks. Find a course online, pick up a book, take a class, join a Meetup Group...anything to get you out of your comfort zone.

Maybe your focusing too much on the sex aspect of a future relationship? To be fair, I don't know how old you are and I know people in their 20's and 30's are going about "dating" in a much different way then my generation did. (Well this is making me feel old.) Seriously though, I'm no expert, but I don't think the first thought on your mind about a future relationship should be the sexual aspect. Once upon a time, when two people were dating, there would usually be some time where you got to know each other. Like, ya know, a prior date or two. 

There are women out there who are kind and caring and likely looking for the same things you are. I realize it's not easy to see past our faults (or perceived faults) sometimes and it sounds like you've been beating yourself up for a long time (I'm sure you have  your reasons). But if you do end up meeting a lady that's interested in hooking up only, just be honest. Tell her it's been a while. Let her know you've got more then 1 round in ya. Again though, the right girl isn't just going to see you for your faults. Nobody is perfect. That would be so boring. 

Anyway, as I said before, I don't know you. You just sounded like you were having a bit of  day and could use some back and forth. 

Take care. Hope you feel better tomorrow. 

 

I edited the post while you were responding so I'll say I'm 30. Don't feel bad giving me advice. I was new here 2 years ago and now I have the largest diary because I complain a lot and have had great help from great people lol.

I agree but it's hard to put myself out there and be in a better mood. I also focus on sex a lot because it's what I'm most ashamed of and embarrassed about, but also most excited to try. I'm very insecure about it. 

I'm trying to have a better mindset, but it's difficult after I've beat myself up all day. 

I get tired of learning new hobbies. My job is difficult mentally as I design buildings and bridges all day. It wears me out and I don't have the mental ability to learn art afterwards unless it's like 2 or 3 days a week. I would rather be physically active or doing a competitive activity or socializing. The issue is I enjoy art and want to do it more. I just get overwhelmed because it takes years to learn and sometimes I just want something mundane and thoughtless. 

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Well, if you design and build bridges and building you are clearly an intelligent guy. When you can accept yourself (flaws and all), I'm sure that there is somebody out there willing to take a chance on you. You just have to be patient with yourself. 

 

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16 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I edited the post while you were responding so I'll say I'm 30. Don't feel bad giving me advice. I was new here 2 years ago and now I have the largest diary because I complain a lot and have had great help from great people lol.

I agree but it's hard to put myself out there and be in a better mood. I also focus on sex a lot because it's what I'm most ashamed of and embarrassed about, but also most excited to try. I'm very insecure about it. 

I'm trying to have a better mindset, but it's difficult after I've beat myself up all day. 

I get tired of learning new hobbies. My job is difficult mentally as I design buildings and bridges all day. It wears me out and I don't have the mental ability to learn art afterwards unless it's like 2 or 3 days a week. I would rather be physically active or doing a competitive activity or socializing. The issue is I enjoy art and want to do it more. I just get overwhelmed because it takes years to learn and sometimes I just want something mundane and thoughtless. 

If you're 30 years old and the average life expectancy is 82 years, then you have 52 years to practice. You don't have to make huge time investments, just consistent and incremental improvements. 

Yes, it's usually good to force yourself to go out, when you're just feeling a little bit lazy, but when you're running ragged it can be a good idea to power down a bit and let yourself recover.

You're not lazy, you're human and you're going through a lot right now.

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