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BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees Hey man, sending love your way. I think you should really risk changing your profession. I don't see any way how this state you are in will better itself if you don't. 60+ hours a week on a job you hate? I think only way someone could make it worthwhile if it pays reaaally a lot and they save money so they can eventually leave and live more comfortably. 

I really don't like it when someone suggests finding a psychotherapist in a situation like yours. Because I am a firm believer a lot of depressions are a natural reaction to an unhealthy environment and a signal to seek big change. We shouldn't try making ourselves internally stoic and content if we still have a chance to get away from a terrible situation. 

Life is beautiful and your soul is pure underneath it all. I wish you best of luck and please don't let this anger you have turn internally, don't abuse yourself in any way please.

Edited by gargamel
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32 minutes ago, gargamel said:

@BooksandTrees Hey man, sending love your way. I think you should really risk changing your profession. I don't see any way how this state you are in will better itself if you don't. 60+ hours a week on a job you hate? I think only way someone could make it worthwhile if it pays reaaally a lot and they save money so they can eventually leave and live more comfortably. 

I really don't like it when someone suggests finding a psychotherapist in a situation like yours. Because I am a firm believer a lot of depressions are a natural reaction to an unhealthy environment and a signal to seek big change. We shouldn't try making ourselves internally stoic and content if we still have a chance to get away from a terrible situation. 

Life is beautiful and your soul is pure underneath it all. I wish you best of luck and please don't let this anger you have turn internally, don't abuse yourself in any way please.

Thank you. I had to delete my post. I'm just frustrated. 

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5 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you. I had to delete my post. I'm just frustrated. 

I've done similar things in the past 😄 I know the feeling. 

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

I've done similar things in the past 😄 I know the feeling. 

I think I deleted most of my posts in the 30s and 40s pages of my diary lol. I have quite the mouth. 

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I'm finally on vacation. I got all of my work done early and took the rest of the day off. I went for a 1.5 hour walk but got kind of bored around 1 hour into it. I think I'll keep my walks to an hour. I still find that things are not as fun as video games after over a year and a half of being game free. It's just a struggle I think I'll always have. I remember listening to heroin addicts say nothing in their life ever feels as good as being on heroin, but the pain they felt when crashing from it or the danger they put themselves in to use it daily was the reason it wasn't worth it. 

I find watching that show intervention to be helpful. Like, I know most of the activities I do in life will never be as fun as playing RuneScape or Overwatch again. I know that. I just never want to go back to the addictive pull of it. I enjoy feeling bored sometimes. I used to get anxiety when feeling bored or tired and force myself to play more games. Now I can appreciate that I'm tired and allow myself to relax. It's much healthier.

As for tonight, I'm a little tired. I feel like I should be 3d modeling or something, but I don't want to invest any mental energy into stuff right now. I really would rather play games and watch porn and enjoy my night until 2 or 4 AM. I won't though. I just get upset that I don't want to be creative at night. Like I don't want to write my cartoon, book, or animate my little creations. It just feels like work.

The funny thing is I tried giving up before. I originally started writing my cartoon in 2017 and I thought it was too much work so I just played RuneScape and Overwatch instead. But I just kept regretting not working on it. I just don't think anyone wants to do their creative hobbies. It's a chore. I think it's only something you can do a short amount of time each week. I sometimes.

I think I'm just burnt out and don't want to do anything I view as hard. I don't have fun with my animation hobby because I feel like I have to learn too much and it stresses me out. I can't get over the fact that I know it's going to take years to learn. I just want to know it all now and not struggle with it. I also don't really want to write.

I don't know what I want to do. I'd rather just play sports and play video games and have sex. That's really all I want to do. I don't care about hikes or anything. I feel so lost. This is a very hopeless feeling.

I enjoy animation when I actually do it. Just the thought of starting is so miserable that I want to cry almost.

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm just burnt out and don't want to do anything I view as hard. I don't have fun with my animation hobby because I feel like I have to learn too much and it stresses me out. I can't get over the fact that I know it's going to take years to learn. I just want to know it all now and not struggle with it. I also don't really want to write.

I don't know what I want to do. I'd rather just play sports and play video games and have sex. That's really all I want to do. I don't care about hikes or anything. I feel so lost. This is a very hopeless feeling.

Stay strong, my friend! It's totally okay to have a pause in life. It's how your momentum recharges. If you keep pushing while you're exhausted, your momentum might be "dead batt." It's will be harder to charge. 😅

I think I feel the same way regarding my vlogging mathematics venture with what you feel about your animation hobby. I just do it when I like it. It feels a burden when I'm not in the mood to do it. On the other hand, it's feels fantastic do it when I'm in the mood. Hence, I'm dealing with my vlogging lightly. 😅

For me, this could be the greatest time to have a conversation! Sometimes, women are just waiting. 😁

Good luck and take it easy, @BooksandTrees👍

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I used to be frustrated and feel like I wasn't satisfied by walking either. But then injuries prevented me from doing much else for cardio. So it was walking or nothing. And I started walking with my mom and it turned out to be nice. Even walking on my own is okay now. But the key was realizing I had no other options for cardio. Idk where you're at on that spectrum. Maybe you can enjoy playing sports instead. Although it's so hot ah

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Today I'm 88 weeks free from gaming, 90 weeks free from social media, and 3 weeks free from porn and PMO. I can't believe I'm almost 1 month without porn. I find that when I'm bored I sometimes get the urge to scroll through porn sites and just see what the new updates are. But I stop myself and move on to other things.

I'm finally on vacation. I'm so happy I can barely describe it. I have 9 straight days off. I spent today fixing the last things in my apartment to make it fully moved in. It was great. I also learned how to 3d sculpt instead of model. I was having a lot of frustrating using Blender to 3d model because there are generally two ways to model. You can do hard surface modeling where you kind of use a mixture of math and critical thinking to create shapes/meshes for your scene. I got frustrated by this because it required too much critical thinking. I normally enjoy critical thinking, but after using AutoCAD all day along with doing intense mathematical calculations for 8-12 hours there's no way I want to do it for more. It makes 3d modeling feel like work and I get burnt out even more. It's not refreshing.

Newsflash! There's more than 1 way to model. I can sculpt. So my friend taught me how to 3d sculpt in Blender for 2 hours today and I picked it up extremely fast. You guys, this was amazing. This felt so liberating to me. I didn't have to calculate node coordinates, I didn't have to learn any crazy commands to make things move or anything. All I had to do was click, drag, repeat. It was so mindless to me. I felt free. It was like coloring in a coloring book. If I brought in a reference image and made the virtual clay fit the extents of the reference image it just felt exactly like coloring in a coloring book. I didn't have to think at all. It was so relaxing. I finally felt rejuvenated from a hobby.

This is mind blowing for me. I have been telling people "I wish I could just draw in a coloring book after work since it's so relaxing, but it's useless and has no purpose for me. I just feel like I'm wasting time." Now I can just listen to music and sculpt mindlessly after work for a while. This is why I loved RuneScape. I could just sit and click on things mindlessly after work, listen to music, talk to friends, and just relax. I'm not making fun of people who enjoy coloring books either. It's just the way my mind works. I need to be making progress in my hobbies to feel like my life has meaning and it only comes from reaching goals that I'm proud of reaching. I really miss mindlessly gaining exp from getting stats for hours. It's soul calming. This artwork is hopefully going to do that for me.

In other news, things are going very well with this woman I'm talking to and I'm so excited to talk to her. We have our first video chat tomorrow so we'll see what happens. I'm trying not to get too mushy with her. We've been talking for almost 1.5 months now. We've had about 4 phone calls in the past 2 weeks and tomorrow will be our first video call. I think things are going well. We have a lot in common and her personality is just amazing. I've felt so much comfort and excitement getting to know her. She gets me and isn't too earthy crunchy, fake, or irritating. I'm pretty decent looking and have good qualities and I will say I just immediately turn women away when they start annoying me. It happens so much. I'm very particular. There are so many things that people do that bother me. My life is so important to me and I'm not going to waste a second of it with someone I dislike. So the fact that we've been talking for almost 2 months is extraordinarily rare in my world. We'll see. I hope something good happens, but I'm not depending on it. There's a difference between being happy to talk to a significant other and being a complete cuck/simp who is just desperate to not be alone and settling with someone out of desperation. We're both talking to each other in our own way without desperation. It's very natural.

I'm kind of worried about relapsing with porn. This meditative masturbation method I was using is very time consuming and it leaves me feeling lightheaded and I don't like it. It's way more powerful than normal. I don't want to get addicted to it so I'm cutting it off. I think it would be a worse addiction than porn for me. It is one of the main reasons I'm not watching porn. It feels way better and that's a problem. I shouldn't be turning to sex to deal with emotional problems or boredom. So I'm getting rid of it. I also just dislike how it disorients me. I'm a control freak and I'm not about that. 

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This is very awesome that you are on vacation.

 

I hope things go really well with the video chat! She sounds like a really beautiful person, you deserve someone really special in your life.  🌺

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6 hours ago, Icandothis said:

This is very awesome that you are on vacation.

 

I hope things go really well with the video chat! She sounds like a really beautiful person, you deserve someone really special in your life.  🌺

Thank you! We'll see what happens. 

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I think nofap helps with self control because you are able to stop yourself from masturbating when things turn you on. So you're just more in control of your sex drive. With this in mind I think it'll be good for you to do nofap because you said you like to be in control. I like self control too. I just don't ever want to get so upset I hurt myself or others. Because I value comfort and don't want to go to jail or pay for repairs on things. I'm happy for you and your new friend. You guys talk regularly and are going to zoom soon. That's exciting. I wish you the best of luck.

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50 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I think nofap helps with self control because you are able to stop yourself from masturbating when things turn you on. So you're just more in control of your sex drive. With this in mind I think it'll be good for you to do nofap because you said you like to be in control. I like self control too. I just don't ever want to get so upset I hurt myself or others. Because I value comfort and don't want to go to jail or pay for repairs on things. I'm happy for you and your new friend. You guys talk regularly and are going to zoom soon. That's exciting. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you. I'm a little uncertain because I don't know how comfortable a woman would be sharing a life with me and stuff, but I'm not thinking about that anymore. I'm just enjoying 1 day at a time and if multiple days become bad I'll end it. If multiple days are good then I'll extend it.

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I've decided to say I don't want to pursue anything romantic with this woman. She's a kind person so I don't want to say anything bad. I just think it's very tough when you go into something with high expectations and they change. I'd like to still be friends, but I feel like that'd be ignorant. I usually just stop talking to people I don't want to date because I think it's better for both parties. We'll see what happens.

I think I'm just attracted to fit girls and that's it. I'm not rocking a six pack or anything so that can be contradictory perhaps, but I'm also not overweight, I play sports, I rock climb, I'm active, and I don't have much body fat after losing my 30 lbs this year. 

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I feel very lost emotionally and very hopeless. Today is the first day of my vacation and I woke up late after not feeling well last night after being depressed from that girl. I also feel a lot of pressure again.

I hate my career so much. It's slavery to be honest. I get paid, sure, but I spend every waking hour talking about work, going to work, doing work, etc. It's so demoralizing. I hate my life. Every day I hate my life more and more. I can't take much more of it. I just want to do something fun. I think I need to get a grip though. I might just be in a bad head space because of my career and finally having a week to myself.

I just find I don't want to do anything. I think I'll take a nap and then do some art work or something.

I basically just want attention though. I want to perform comedy, make my cartoon, write my stories, get attention, have sex, and relax. I currently get so tired that I don't want to do any of it. 

It's getting me angry just writing this because I should just be modeling right now. I'll get on it. Fuck this. I just don't want to go back to gaming.

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Hey...

I am so sorry about that girl. It’s tough when we have high hopes but then we are disappointed time and again.

 

Do you have some fun things planned for your vacation? Maybe a fun rock climbing trip? Please take some time for yourself in nature. 
 

Hugs my friend. 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm just attracted to fit girls and that's it. I'm not rocking a six pack or anything so that can be contradictory perhaps, but I'm also not overweight, I play sports, I rock climb, I'm active, and I don't have much body fat after losing my 30 lbs this year. 

Did the girl turn out to look different than you thought? It's your call, but if you enjoyed your time with her before (which you did according to your entries) and still think she has potential as a person, you could give it a second chance and perhaps meet her in person, to gauge her energy. You already gave this issue enough energy to derail your whole next day and made yourself think that your life is shit, whereas this option I am thinking of seems at least remotely constructive.

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hey...

I am so sorry about that girl. It’s tough when we have high hopes but then we are disappointed time and again.

 

Do you have some fun things planned for your vacation? Maybe a fun rock climbing trip? Please take some time for yourself in nature. 
 

Hugs my friend. 

Thank you. I learned a lot in this experience and I think I'm just going to force a video chat within 1 week of talking any time i meet someone online just to rule out disappointments. I'm enjoying my time 3d modeling today.

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29 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Did the girl turn out to look different than you thought? It's your call, but if you enjoyed your time with her before (which you did according to your entries) and still think she has potential as a person, you could give it a second chance and perhaps meet her in person, to gauge her energy. You already gave this issue enough energy to derail your whole next day and made yourself think that your life is shit, whereas this option I am thinking of seems at least remotely constructive.

It's not salvageable. I was fat fished. She didn't promise she was skinny or anything so I don't want to accuse her of that, but it was still quite a surprise to me the difference in a photo and person. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad about this whole situation. This was not typical of a normal dating site. It was more to meet friends and talk to people online and we kind of flirted and started sharing photos after 1 month of talking. So I've technically only known her for 1-2 weeks and I'm just disappointed I guess. 

I will not be doing that ever again. The only thing I can have with her is friendship at this time. I also don't think it would be fair to say I'd date her if she lost 100 lbs because that's kind of cruel. She'd deserve someone better than me if that was the case. But that's where it stands. I'm not fat shaming for any morons out there either (not you, Ikar, just anyone reading this who gets offended somehow). I'm just stating a fact that I'm not attracted to that body type. 

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It's amazing the level of mental illness that the internet helps thrive. Catfishing is ridiculous. I've never been straight up catfished but have definitely gone out with women who used a pic from 10 years ago as their dating profile photo. I think most people, and especially women whom generally aren't as attractive as men as they age, prefer to think of themselves as their usually more-fit 20 year old selves. Not me because I'm a far better person now than I was even 5 years ago but I understand the compulsion. Still, thinking of yourself as that person and actually pretending to be that are a lot different.

You're definitely not offending me. I have a very well documented opinion on massively overweight people. I don't think fat shaming does anyone any favors (and like addicts, shaming fat people actually causes them to get worse) but talking about it online regarding someone who isn't involved in the conversation isn't the same as ridiculing someone to their face. There's a reason most people feel disgust toward morbidly obese people. Still, it's always better to befriend someone and show them a better way to live than to call them names and punish them for what is usually not in their control.

I'm also not of the opinion that dating someone you're not attracted to simply because you get along is a particularly fantastic idea. You shouldn't have to jeopardize part of your happiness just because someone with a decent personality can't control themselves. Coming from someone who used to drink 18 bottles of Corona and play video games 12 hours every day... I wouldn't respect anyone who dated that version of me.

Edited by ceponatia
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Sorry you're feeling sour about work. I hope something good can come of it all. Like you get a different job or your job improves somehow. I know what it's like to have a hard time at work and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm lucky now my supervisor is relatively chill and my work isn't too bad. Occasionally something whack happens, but most of the time it's good. Sorry you got fat fished. Dating is a struggle. Good luck with it.

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4 hours ago, ceponatia said:

It's amazing the level of mental illness that the internet helps thrive. Catfishing is ridiculous. I've never been straight up catfished but have definitely gone out with women who used a pic from 10 years ago as their dating profile photo. I think most people, and especially women whom generally aren't as attractive as men as they age, prefer to think of themselves as their usually more-fit 20 year old selves. Not me because I'm a far better person now than I was even 5 years ago but I understand the compulsion. Still, thinking of yourself as that person and actually pretending to be that are a lot different.

You're definitely not offending me. I have a very well documented opinion on massively overweight people. I don't think fat shaming does anyone any favors (and like addicts, shaming fat people actually causes them to get worse) but talking about it online regarding someone who isn't involved in the conversation isn't the same as ridiculing someone to their face. There's a reason most people feel disgust toward morbidly obese people. Still, it's always better to befriend someone and show them a better way to live than to call them names and punish them for what is usually not in their control.

I'm also not of the opinion that dating someone you're not attracted to simply because you get along is a particularly fantastic idea. You shouldn't have to jeopardize part of your happiness just because someone with a decent personality can't control themselves. Coming from someone who used to drink 18 bottles of Corona and play video games 12 hours every day... I wouldn't respect anyone who dated that version of me.

I agree. I'm just gonna end the whole thing and set my sights on people I mesh well with but I'm also attracted towards. I am not gonna settle. I want a girlfriend and wife who is sexy and knows how to turn me on. That's so alluring and important to me and I want to be sexy and know how to turn her on in return. I don't want a pity relationship. If I get along with a girl because we have similar hobbies but I don't find her attractive then she's instantly friendzoned for me.

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Today was good. I spent about 5 hours 3d sculpting. This pidgey is coming out really well so far. I'm learning a lot, but I'm also picking it up extremely fast. I think I am a natural at sculpting. I'm really enjoying it. I'm just listening to music and mindlessly making the pidgey come to life. I'll upload some pictures of it eventually. I might start making development logs on YouTube to record my progress and continue to generate viewers.

We'll see. I would need to learn screen capture software and stuff so I think I might just keep it simple and make my pidgey for now. If I can finish the model this week I might actually be able to finish my large video earlier than end of January. We'll see. I do have to study after vacation ends.

The good news is I'm finding myself being mentally restored from the 3d sculpting. It's so pleasing and enjoyable. I'm really at peace when I do it.

I think I'd like to do a weekly development log video series on YouTube with my progress and potentially make a Patreon account with it. I'll experiment with this later this week and see if it stresses me out. 

I spent the past hour kind of going through my old photos from my past life. I feel like my life is so much smaller now. I just work and sleep and try to do some hobbies. It's hard not to regret or miss things. I miss throwing my cookouts and parties with my friends. I miss getting beers with my friends and trying new flavors of them. A lot of my friends have drinking problems now and gave up drinking. I never had an issue with it fortunately. I also remember playing video games with these friends and just having fun, but unfortunately in this instance I had the video game problem and can no longer live that life. I saw this girl I almost dated who was and still is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. It's depressing. I'll never meet a woman as beautiful as her and it's a tough pill to swallow. Like Charlize Theron. I wasn't good looking enough probably, but my personality and sense of humor got me close.

It sucks being alone I must say. I like living alone though. I guess it's just one of those things where I was never happy. I look back at those times thinking I was happy, but I was in grad school, miserable, hated working in the city, trying to change my life, and hiding my depression in video games. I've come a long way.

I think we're all missing our friends in the United States right now just because our country hasn't handled the virus pandemic well aside from New York and Massachusetts. 

I won't live in the past though. It's fun to reminisce, but I was still lonely back then. I am happy that I'm no longer blinded by video games. I'm happy that I've made great improvements with porn addiction recovery. I'm happy that I live in a beautiful home alone and am enjoying the nature setting. I'm happy that I am finally enjoying and working on my creative cartoons after trying to work on them for 5 years and just playing video games instead. I'm happy I've lost all my weight and kept it off. I'm happy I've cut stressful friends out of my life. I think I just miss my former best friends. I also wish they didn't have bad effects from alcohol and I wish i didn't have bad effects from gaming. But these things shape us into who we are today. I'm a better person today and overall I'm happier. I'll find love eventually and I'll find friends again. I'd advocate and say I have better friends now than I did then and a much better career.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's not salvageable. I was fat fished. She didn't promise she was skinny or anything so I don't want to accuse her of that, but it was still quite a surprise to me the difference in a photo and person. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad about this whole situation. This was not typical of a normal dating site. It was more to meet friends and talk to people online and we kind of flirted and started sharing photos after 1 month of talking. So I've technically only known her for 1-2 weeks and I'm just disappointed I guess. 

I will not be doing that ever again. The only thing I can have with her is friendship at this time. I also don't think it would be fair to say I'd date her if she lost 100 lbs because that's kind of cruel. She'd deserve someone better than me if that was the case. But that's where it stands. I'm not fat shaming for any morons out there either (not you, Ikar, just anyone reading this who gets offended somehow). I'm just stating a fact that I'm not attracted to that body type. 

I get it. I was curious whether I guessed the reason right. You feel as if she lied to you about herself out of insecurity about her body, even though you didn't know at the beginning events would unfold the way they did. I'm in support of you trying to force the video earlier the next time. Nothing beats meeting/dating in person, though I understand that might be particularly risky in the US nowadays.

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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

The good news is I'm finding myself being mentally restored from the 3d sculpting. It's so pleasing and enjoyable. I'm really at peace when I do it.

Hooray. You sound so positive in your post. This vacation is helping you out a lot. I wish you could go on vacation more often. Makes me want to take a break.

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