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mks

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  1. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Making good progress. I move back to my old state, where I was able to work. So this is becoming good. Work will be possible in a short time I think. So I'll will be in a job soon I think. Which is great progress.
  2. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Hey everyone! Hope you are doing fine! Just wanna wish everyone a good day! Keep up the good fight! Also stay strong and fight for your rights, set your boundries right to people. Never let someone get pass them. I did it for a long time and really... I lost so much years because I wasn't communicating right. Learn to communicate. Learn to speak your truth. This goes way beyond gaiming, but in a way gaming and porn numbed me to the fact that I wasn't feeling it anymore. It's just my advice from experience and when I would give someone advice what to learn, it's staying true to yourself and learning how to communicate that. Keep it up!
  3. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Things are getting better slowly. Social anxiety is a little bit stronger right now, but it's ok. I make a lot of progress towards my mental health. As this is my most critical point right now (without proper mental health, there is no chance to stay in a job or relationship) I am making so much progress that I really feel a difference. It becomes easier to relax. Still a way to go but this is something really important because I don't wanna end up in another depression and burnout because of the inability to relax. I wanna cook more and healthy though. With a healthy mind comes also a healthy body. Gaming is somewhat still an issue - 15-30 minutes a week. It's my last resort when everything I learned fails, but as I am in conrol of it there is no need to cut it down.
  4. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I am stuck. I have to say that I relapsed into gaiming. Being without work and having some mental problems... well it feels hopeless. Loneliness is creeping in because of the problems. I asked myself what's the worst thing that can happen to me, more or less the question about the thing I am most afraid of. This is something I am dealing with right now. It feels good to look at that fear, but there is still a problem with getting out of my situation. I have to find a new job which is super hard for me because of my mental problems, but it doesn't get better, so that I'll have to do the first step. There is no way around it. I need to find the courage to do it and then jump.
  5. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Looking for a new appartment right now. It's tough. I am living in an appartment where I have some negative feelings in it. It doesn't feel like home. To much memories of the past. It hurts living in this appartment. I get some help in finding a new appartment but it's tough. I am getting triggered in my appartment by some situations which causes symtoms of a PTSD. This is causing me to not being able to work in a job because of my health problems. BattleNet account is still in deletion process. Looking for a new appartment right now. This has priority no.1. I hope that in the end I will find peace in a new appartment to move on with my life, leaving my past behind.
  6. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Just wish everyone the best! Keep up the good fight really. Sometimes it's hard to move on. Times can get really tough. Life is going to test you. But you always have to believe that you can move on. You can always move on. There is always hope. Always. Never lose that. Sometimes everything around you is hopeless. But there is hope. There is always hope. Just sense into your stomach. Cry if you need to. But never give up. Life is worth living. Even when that mean that you have to believe. Believe in you dreams. Believe in your goals. Believe. Just believe that you can do it. If it's super hard right now always believe that your are strong. Stay true to who you are never give up. Never.
  7. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Great! Thanks for this motivation! I am almost through the process. Feels good right now. Just so done using things to numb myself. It's not worth it and worth the sacrifice. Although I loved WoW in the past. There is still something this game has. With the Shadowlands addon I am would really love to play it but it's numbing effects are way to intense for me. I know that I would lose track for my life and that's something I can't do right now. There are more important things to do. Today I feel great. I found out that my appartment is one of the most triggers for my PTSD. I am living at my cousine right now for the weekend. I need to move out of my appartment as fast as possible. This has the highest priority right now. Wish me luke in finding a new appartment.
  8. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I started my BattleNet account deletion process. Which me good luck to stay strong.
  9. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Still making progress towards mental health. Did a great step towards a big topic. Gaming is not a problem right now. Didn't play the last two days. But yeah. There is still a lot to do. I want to include more sports into my schedule or day. I also want to read more. But mental health is the most critical topic right now, because it causes too much conflicts when I am around people. It's hard to describe. Most of the problems already "happened" . So there is nothing that is really current in my day to day life. But the problem with abuse is, that you tend to become abusive yourself when you are an adult. Today I was looking at this part of me and it makes sense why he became so agressive - most of the time it's targeted against me - never to people. I totally have compassion for him but now I am concious of it. That's the main problem. It's still there, this "negative" energy. But when you don't fully feel it you tend to create conflicts. Those are things like being mostly negative around people because of that past experience. This has nothing to do with the people I am surrounded with. But the negative enegry is still there and then it really becomes abusive. Then I really talk a lot about my problems, putting weight on my friends etc. Mostly this is the "victim" role i got stuck in. Nothing to blame me about, but I don't wanna put so much negativity into my surroundings. I think we all have that in us. There is darkness and there is light. We have both. But we have to look at both. I tend to look a lot into the "light" part of me. The part that can have compassion, gratitude. But then there is also this part in me that can be really aggressive against me. And when I am a lot in that state I become negative and that's helping no one in the would. It's just creating more pain and suffering. Nothing to aim at, but to look at. Not looking at it doesn't make it go away. It comes in making excuses, not saying the truth when we feel uncomfortable etc. But this adds up into more negativity over time. But I think today I made a step towards becoming aware of these flaws. It doesn't make them go away, but I am not taken over by them. Huge shift and step forward. I think the best thing we can do is to invite those these negative feelings a let them speak. In my case it told me a story to now have full compassion and understanding for it.
  10. Cooking is really fun! Trying new dishes is also something I wanna do more. Really love cooking for people.
  11. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Short update: Great progress! The situation I described above resolved! Got to the root cause, which is always a relief. Gratitude: I am grateful for my persistence and my skill in introspection. I think I mastered it. I can got to root causes to problems almost the same day I get off track. This is a huge thing. I know I have some talent with it but I get really fast with it. This was like 2 hours ago and I got back in contact with me after a good chat. This is so huge because once you get in contact with yourself it's a great relief because you get hope from it and be way more present. Love this progress!
  12. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Things are moving forward. As I have mental issues like PTSD it's the most important thing for me right now to get healthy. In this area I make a lot of progress. Shopping was always a problem, but now I am super relaxed most of the time instead of stressed. Social anxiety is super low. It's still there around women. But this will get better soon I think. One big problem is "trying to avoid making mistakes". This can trigger something in me when I am in that state. I have some negative expierences with "making mistakes" in my past. So this can also be some traumatic thing. I think it is. Because it mostly happens when I try to avoid making mistakes, which get me into a state were I am not present and really stressed. Thinking about it. This will still be something I have to work on because this has such an negative impact on me. You can't do everything right. Mistakes are a part of life. But somehow I had a negative experience with it so that I avoid mistakes at all costs (one of my biggest "flaws"). Porn was my go-to area where you can't do any mistakes, but that's not working anymore still don't know why. I get a lot of health issues from watching it, so that I avoid it through the app FocusMe which helps a lot. Otherwise I would be lost. Being addicted to something that is hurting you mentally well... it's a worst case for me. A lot of progess but still a way to go. Will keep you updated! From what I learned working on limiting beliefs and your inner feelings, thing that put you off track, looking at those things have a lot of benefits and I think at the end of it is authenticity and freedom from your past. That's what I want to reach.
  13. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Symtoms are getting better, still a way to go. Still on WoW but I am right before quitting. Everytime I play, after around 30 minutes I feel numbed. So gaiming and having a clear mind of which direction I want to go in my life isn't working. So it's all about sacrifice. I can't have both. Clear mind or numbed feeling from gaiming. I will always choose my clear mind, so that as soon as possible I will delete my BattleNet account. I don't play a lot and am more outside than gaiming. It's around 30-60 minutes a week. It's not a lot but it still has negative effects on my brain (brain fog/not a clear mind/distracted mind). I think that's it - it's a distraction the feeling I have is that I feel distracted.
  14. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Things are getting a little bit better. I am playing around with the supplement L-Tyrosine which is transformed into dopamine. Right now I am way better at dealing with stress. So it's really helpful. Will work on building an online course soon. I think this will be my go-to project. Experiences I earned - putting them into a course because I think they can help other people. But before that I wanna be PTSD free. It's still a way to go but I am making progress!
  15. mks

    Mks' Journal

    This one is one of the biggest "milestones" yet - yet it means everything changes from now on. Why? I did a inner talk to my responsibilty - if you haven't done this yet, try it! Responsibility was something I always avoided. I was pushing it away, ignoring it. Doing harm to myself. Why? It went some sentences in this inner talk but in the end - the real role of responsibility is to help us grow as a person. This is one of the biggest game changers in my life yet. I know that not everything changes in an instant from now on. But! My relationship to my responsibilty which can be seen as a own entity in our body that can be spoken or listened to, started today. It's the first time I recognized that I was running away from it. Facing it revealed the most noble goal ever heard: It wants to help me to grow. This is so helpful. So lifechanging. Just perfect. If you have a same problem, start to talk to your responsibility like it is a real person. Listen to it. Say what you want to say. Talk to each other. It's the most important relationship you'll ever have and need to grow as a person. I am at the beginning of this. But this feels like a real milestone for me.