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BooksandTrees

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Today was kind of an emotional unemotional day. I felt a little lagged. I share the same feeling that billions around the world currently have which is a displacement from daily life dysphoria. I'm not allowed to go to work, but I gotta work from home. I no longer have this huge goal of studying and I feel as though I should panic and buy months of dry and canned groceries, but I don't feel it's necessary due to the government promising to keep supplies in transit much like China has done.

I kind of just paused and watched a movie and did nothing. I talked to my family for a few hours today. They're worried about me being quarantined. I don't have any symptoms yet so I'm hoping that kid had a fever for other reasons. 

I'm also oddly relieved I can stay home. I am a severe germaphobe where I'll traditionally go out of my way to avoid doorknobs, people, sharing glasses or things, etc. I'm very afraid of getting sick to the point of anxiety attacks where I'll feel like I'm going to faint.

It's really just a great hobby.

But seriously, I'm happy that I can stay home. I think the reduction in stress from human interaction as well as the reduction in stress from studying for my exam will be good for my emotions and mind....and my immune system. 

I feel like I have a second chance in life all of a sudden. I didn't want to study for this test and I had just recovered from a very difficult bout of depression after leaving my old apartment in December. It's time for me to start writing my book. I have a book I want to write and I'm going to at least get the skeleton of it written. I'm also going to 3D model a bit.

Also, I hit a major moment in my life this week. As you know, I encourage everyone in this forum to investigate themselves to discover why they play video games because it's the only way you'll end your addiction. Will power is not enough. I've clearly been a model of success with game quitting. You also know I've been trying to quit porn. After some major thought and self-investigation I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to quit watching pornography for one solid reason. I don't value relationships.

I will delve into this more in a future post since it's midnight and I'm tired. I personally don't see the value in sharing my life with a woman or several women in short term relationships. I don't like the politics involved and I don't think it's worth it. I've been hindered by some very abusive relationships in my life and I just don't feel like there's a woman out there that will change my perspective on this. I currently view loneliness as less pain than being in a bad relationship or being stuck doing things with somebody I don't enjoy being with. I'm tired of the dating process and I haven't met a woman yet who I feel deserve to have me in their life. Yes, that's a selfish statement, but after years of thinking I'm a loser and thinking I'm pathetic I have become appreciative of myself, my journey, and my accomplishments. I now love myself. It took 30 years to love myself, but I do love myself and don't want to entrust my heart with somebody who I feel is going to take advantage of me or not treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I'll delve into this more and ask that you refrain from commenting on this for right now. I just feel like I'm not emotionally ready and that means I will depend on porn for getting off and releasing sexual tension and frustration. I was able to quit games because I realized my virtual friends were fake and I wanted real friends, real hobbies, and more time to relax after work and be happy. I've found that and haven't craved video games since over 500 days ago. Porn on the other hand I just haven't found a woman who I enjoy being around. Will that happen one day? Potentially. I'll have to change and grow as a person and so will the women I meet. It's a dynamic that will have to develop and surprise me over the course of a few years as I develop into the person I want to be. I also don't believe in short term flings or fuck buddies so I'd rather just watch porn for 30 minutes and carry on.

I'll have to make sure I don't binge watch porn during this time so I stay productive with hobbies. I've mentioned too much porn usage causes me to be lazy and not pursue hobbies. I'll only watch it a few times a week. But I'm not quitting until my perspective changes and I've met someone who I think is a beneficial person to share my life with for however long we date.

Stay safe everyone.

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I was right. We're forced to work from home until at least April 15th. I think it will be May 1st until it is leveled off. There have only been 24,000 tests performed. Private companies have been allowed to test patients as of late last week (6 months since the virus came out, complete disaster) and they have tested more people in the past half week than the entire past 6 months. I think you'll see numbers grow like crazy in the US since it takes 3-7 days to get test results.

My advice is not overly panic because you're going to see a spike in numbers due to hundreds of thousands of tests being performed instead of 24,000 tests. It's inevitable the numbers will go up. Just be prepared to see larger numbers.

I recommend you don't read into any conspiracy theories or anything. Just read worldmeter.info for strict statistical information and refer to the World Health Organization, Center for Disease Control, and your local hospital's website for information. Nothing else can be trusted and during this time you need reliable information.

As for me, I have let myself down today big time. I didn't do anything productive, slept in, and watched porn. I don't like this feeling. I will do better tomorrow. 

 

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I worked from home today. I brought my desktop home. It's so peaceful. It feels like I'm on vacation to be honest. 

I bought a month's worth of food and medicine and will hopefully survive. 

I'm going to try and watch porn every other day instead of quitting cold turkey. I can't do it. 

I'm also going to commit to a new schedule. I'll be waking up earlier without snooze again and exercising a bit, eating, working, then lunch, work, then I'll have 3 hours before dinner. I'll use those 3 hours to exercise for 30 minutes and then do hobbies til dinner. Then I'll relax after dinner. 

I gotta try it. 

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I think I'm making myself depressed. I usually rely on anger to pull myself out, but I'm not angry right now. Tomorrow will be better. 

In my transition from depression to calmness I find clarity. In that clarity I see my power to create a beautiful story and share it. I have to remember this. 

Edited by BooksandTrees

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I think I officially got burnt out of porn. I can't watch it anymore. I'm tired of it. Until tomorrow lol. But idk. This time feels different. 

This isolation is starting to test me. I've already complained about how weekends torture me. It's like I'm stuck in a 2 to 3 month weekend. 

I have to gather myself quickly before I spiral out of control. 

Wake up, breakfast, work, home exercise and fresh air, work, air, hobbies, talk on phone, cook dinner, relax,  find a tv show. 

The porn is making me more anxious and likely to have a panic attack. I feel it coming and I have to stop it. I'm starting to stay up extremely late. 

Master my domain. Master my domain. Less control is more freedom. I got this. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up, weigh myself, then make a pepper and onion omelet. I'll start work and finish a project component. I'll then eat my spinach and rice lunch that I'll cook while working. It takes 1 hour. Look forward. You can do it. 

I really want a woman companion. I want a hug. I'm going to get it this year. But tomorrow first. 

Omelet.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees I also relapsed on pornography yesterday. And I also would like a female companion. Who wouldn't. For me the isolation is also annoying, since I just started to have plans to leave the house more. I am thinking about joining some dance class and a sports association. And I can't even watch nba games. Super annoying. I suggest however that you look from the positive side: You can focus on yourself. The thinks you do, you should not do, because you kinda have to. They should give you something. Something good. It could be fun, sports or some work.

And here is some perspective regarding the woman companion. I was in a relationship a couple of years back and we then hung out for weeks at her place. Guess what, at some point, I was starting to become annoyed because of the absence of freedom and less space I had. So overall, not everyone with a female companion is necessarily more happy in this crysis. 

Take care and don't loose your head. I am also sleeping longer then usual now. So what?

I give you a nice little bro fist. Similar to a hug. You can do it! 

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@BooksandTrees It's alright. We are going to adjust for a couple of weeks. I actually wanted to write some people yesterday, yet I felt weird as to why would I write them if I normally meet them. I actually got myself into a point where I do not want to write with people I meet regularly, because the interactions are so much better in person.

@Alexanderle I can attest to that relationship situation. I didn't get it back then, but anything longer than ONS spent together needs space, because there is dozen other things that (should) make "you" besides the relationship. I'm going to enjoy it once I get one again, though I hope it won't be as obsessive and compulsive as the last one!

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14 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I'm going to enjoy it once I get one again, though I hope it won't be as obsessive and compulsive as the last one!

Same thing for me man. I don't what something weird again just for the sake of having something.

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Thank you. @Alexanderleand @Ikar.

Sorry to hear you relapsed with porn. I got so sick of the fetish I was watching and kept trying to find other stuff, but honestly, porn is disgusting. The genres are disturbing. Years ago it was just about milfs or something. Now it's just evil and taboo. It has turned me away pretty sternly and I've forced myself to find and become bored of it. 

Maybe the isolation is going to help us quit porn. 

I remember I took 2 weeks off from work to play runescape and I stopped playing 4 days into it because of how pathetic my life was. I switched to 4 other games in 3 days, but never played after that for almost 5 months. If you go to a bakery you'll eventually grow sick of sweets and desire savory. I think I'm already there. 

I made the omelet today. I woke up late though because of last night. I also cooked my meal prep thing for the next 3 days. 

My dad thinks the combination of porn and then immediately eating junk food is causing sugar crashes on top of the dopamine crashes. It's dually adding to a depression feeling. He thinks exercise and cleaner eating will help. I agree. 

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@BooksandTrees I like your idea of exercise and cleaner eating. And I also think that one thing leads to another thing and can pull you down into the "darkness". But the fact that you cooked that omelet and meal prepped is already a good sign. Forget that thing with the dopanien crash though. There is a lot of rumors and myths surrounding dopamine. 

Regarding porn, it really is getting worse regarding, what one can watch. I have been at a point, where I did not watched it for weeeks, but lately, I have been struggling with it again. Tough to say why. Guess I have to keep experimenting with that. Maybe, I will finally also reach this point, where it becomes boring. I am pretty sure, I reached that point with games many months ago already. Right now, it really is disgusting. 😕 

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7 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

@BooksandTrees I like your idea of exercise and cleaner eating. And I also think that one thing leads to another thing and can pull you down into the "darkness". But the fact that you cooked that omelet and meal prepped is already a good sign. Forget that thing with the dopanien crash though. There is a lot of rumors and myths surrounding dopamine. 

Regarding porn, it really is getting worse regarding, what one can watch. I have been at a point, where I did not watched it for weeeks, but lately, I have been struggling with it again. Tough to say why. Guess I have to keep experimenting with that. Maybe, I will finally also reach this point, where it becomes boring. I am pretty sure, I reached that point with games many months ago already. Right now, it really is disgusting. 😕 

It's honestly disgusting what's on the sites. The women on there get abused, men and women are not naturally depicted, the taboo topics are disgusting, etc. It's just unpleasant and is difficult to see. I avoid all of these topics and even when you find a "normal porn vid" it's boring or is just the same plot over and over again with the same generic looking and sounding porn stars. Normal people don't look or sound like these people.

I've also started to notice the porn stars are just degraded instagram social influencers. They wear the same clothes and say the same things. They're fake people. I deleted social media because of how fake the people are. I knew I'd reach this point. I'm so tired of seeing the same makeup trends, the same clothing trends, the same accent trends where people try to speak in this Los Angeles style glam model voice. It's so generic and fake.

I miss unique people. Real life has unique people sometimes. Sometimes is better than no times. 

As for junk food, I know my body and mood crashes when I eat too much sugar and too many carbohydrates. I've been tracking my diet for the past month, which I'll upload in my monthly summary of March in 2 weeks. I have noticed whenever I eat over a certain amount of carbs and sugar I'm just lethargic and lifeless. Bogged down. 

I'm going to make smarter meal choices. Kodiak Cakes will replace all cake/baked goods for the time being. Dark chocolate will replace milk chocolate. I will also reduce portion sizes of these sweets.

I think meal prepping will keep me fuller and be there so I can have a meal when I'm feeling lazy and not wanting to cook. I also don't drink enough water at home. I drink much more at work and I'm less hungry. I barely drink water at home and I'm snacking.

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I think your dietary changes will workout. Quitting social media is probably a good call. It has a lot of negative effects on people and is kind of just a waste of time. I've been eating almost no sugar and only whole wheat bread. I'm pretty healthy in my food, but I still don't have like totally lean visible abs. I think I might need more cardio or less food.

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Today is the first day in weeks that I haven't watched porn or masturbated. I ate the rest of my junk food as well so it's not in the house. 

If there's one thing this virus has shown me it's that I'm tired of making excuses for not living the life I want to live. It's easier now for me to just do what I want and follow it instead of looking for reasons not to do it. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and do my exercises and eat breakfast. I plan on leaving work at 3:30 and doing yoga. I'll then take a shower and do some hobbies for a bit.

I can do this.

I called my dad for some support tonight, but he was kind of abrasive. He's not always great at giving advice. I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job or they're proud of me sometimes. I'm always looked at like the leader or something. There's not many instances where somebody says they're proud of me or compliment me on a job I've done. Work they kind of do, but I don't really get statements from friends or family that say I'm just a good person or doing something nice. 

My father has been off and on about this, but doesn't say it at the right times really. He'll say it at the end of a long phone call or something. I sometimes need a pick me up when I'm sad. He tries to sternly get me to change my mindset. I'd like someone to calmly collect me a bit and let me know I'm doing well. I need more warmth.

If I meet a woman I really would like her to be warm with me and help me a bit. 

There's a really good anime called Welcome to The NHK that came out in like 2010 or something that shows this really well. I might rewatch that and see how it makes me feel after 10 years.

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Fathers can be weird with stuff like doling out compliments and even simply saying "I love you" to their kids. My dad only ever really complimented me on my schoolwork and on how smart I was. I offhand mentioned something to my mother the other day about him and how I don't understand his general behavior, and then she began to tell me of how he apparently doesn't shut up about how wonderful I am when I'm not around. It's really strange. Your dad is probably proud of you, but too afraid (or something else) to say it. I feel like most people don't say stuff like that to people in general anyway, but maybe that's just because I'm a horrible person 🙂

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4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Fathers can be weird with stuff like doling out compliments and even simply saying "I love you" to their kids. My dad only ever really complimented me on my schoolwork and on how smart I was. I offhand mentioned something to my mother the other day about him and how I don't understand his general behavior, and then she began to tell me of how he apparently doesn't shut up about how wonderful I am when I'm not around. It's really strange. Your dad is probably proud of you, but too afraid (or something else) to say it. I feel like most people don't say stuff like that to people in general anyway, but maybe that's just because I'm a horrible person 🙂

Same. I think when I was about 10 and I was on a solo vacation with my dad for a week, at some point, he told me "I love you" and gave me a pat on the back. I was so bewildered by that I just gave him a scared/confused look and said "What the hell?". It just wasn't something I would've expected from him, maybe because I didn't get to see him that often back then.

When we get to talk nowadays, it's mostly about our progress in our lives, so we talk about what we did the past week. I know I can rely on him to get something done, because he's a man of action, and he can count on me in the same way. He has this primary way of showing affection.

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I went to bed at 1 instead of 4 last night. I woke up with the feeling of chills, but put another blanket over me. 

I still hit snooze for about 40 minutes and woke up adorned 830. It's better than 1030. I'm very tired this morning, but that makes sense because of the snooze button. 

I'm making improvements. 

I'm sad that my food did not come out well yesterday. I'm making new food today though. I also cleaned my whole apartment today and did 3 loads of laundry and folded them. 

I have stood outside as well. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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BooksandTrees,

I’d really like to call you by your name. If you take out this enemy (internet sexual themes) It will be a major upswing in your morale.

Imagine that this bad habit is like scraps. If you keep going after scraps, you are delaying your beautiful SO. Put a sheet on your fridge with some descriptions of your future SO. Keep adding to it by exploring what traits you would like her to have. Fighting your addiction is being faithful to your future SO. You are so worthy you deserve some of the best.

Learn to counter-sabotage the addiction. Today I counter-sabotaged my bad habit by upping my routines (what a simple advice Alexanderle). Im ready to up to ridiculous levels to be “unavailable” for the wrong thoughts

Edited by Amphibian220
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I'm pretty basic in my cooking, but I stay fed. That's good you're handling that area of life. Perhaps I could do more to cook something. I just put asian sauces on chicken/turkey and vegetables. Or make pasta. I guess I could make Thai curry more often. If weather permits I recommend going for a hike. It's nice where I'm living right now, so I've been going and it's great to get outdoors. Especially when there aren't many people.

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I had a lot less energy today. I can attribute it to inconsistent sleep and scheduling. I think I'm just gonna cook a lot of food tomorrow and make sure it's not cooked improperly this time. I'm going to make chicken, my spinach dish, and some general vegetables/rice combinations. I think this will give me 12 meals. I am finding that certain foods make me not feel well (tuna fish more than once every other week and mayo) etc.

I drank a lot more water today and got some sunlight. I did my 3 loads of laundry and folded them. I vacuumed, killed a mouse, dusted, put everything away that I normally just leave around, paid my bills, did some stuff for work, and other crap.

I'm just tired. The only way I'm gonna get more energy is sleeping, starting to exercise, and eating better. I ate a lot better today, but didn't sleep or exercise. Tomorrow I'm going to put those in. I also went to bed at 1 AM instead of 4 AM. Tonight I'd like to sleep by 10 or so. 

I brought my yoga mat into the house so I can exercise in the morning and at 4PM. I'm going to get this schedule going and eventually have enough energy to do my cartoon/writing at 4:30 PM until 6:30 PM.

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Killed another mouse just now before bed. I feel bad because I don't think it's my right to kill something that's trying to survive. That look of terror in their eyes is heartbreaking. 

But they spread disease, piss and shit everywhere, and try to eat my food during a pandemic where it's difficult to get food. Any animal in the animal kingdom would not allow another animal into their territory without a fight to the death. Sometimes a moral high ground is just words. 

I want a clean home and I'm taking steps to maintain that desire. 

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I have a pretty horrifying memory from the last year I was still actively drinking. My garage had become infested with mice and one day while drunk I killed a couple of them rather brutally. I won't go into detail. I'm not that kind of person though, so now thinking about what I'd done just haunts my memories. I'm like you, I don't think we should just arbitrarily kill something just because it's near our home but on the other hand you're right... wild mice are not healthy to have in your home so I think in that situation humanely exterminating them is the right thing to do. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't kill house spiders, too. Lol.

Morality is just words. It's just a set of standards we've all decided is the right way to live... but these days none of us can even agree what those are anymore. Do what you have to do but treat other people and creatures with dignity when you can, I say. 🙂 If I do have to kill something, I can at least do it quickly.

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Yep gotta get rid of those mice. I don't know how I'd kill a mouse if I found one inside. I'd probably try to catch and release it outside using Tupperware. Man is everyone feeling more bored from being inside all the time now or is it just me? I'm gonna try going for a walk tomorrow. Are you going for walks?

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3 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I have a pretty horrifying memory from the last year I was still actively drinking. My garage had become infested with mice and one day while drunk I killed a couple of them rather brutally. I won't go into detail. I'm not that kind of person though, so now thinking about what I'd done just haunts my memories. I'm like you, I don't think we should just arbitrarily kill something just because it's near our home but on the other hand you're right... wild mice are not healthy to have in your home so I think in that situation humanely exterminating them is the right thing to do. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't kill house spiders, too. Lol.

Morality is just words. It's just a set of standards we've all decided is the right way to live... but these days none of us can even agree what those are anymore. Do what you have to do but treat other people and creatures with dignity when you can, I say. 🙂 If I do have to kill something, I can at least do it quickly.

Yeah, I'd say my methods of killing them are inhumane lol. But the humane traps don't work. Those snap traps don't work. I turned my oven on and it smelled like urine. I typed it in on google and there were over 100 articles saying mice had pissed and shit in my oven while camping out. They're done. I'm killing every mouse I see til I leave. Fuck them.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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57 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yep gotta get rid of those mice. I don't know how I'd kill a mouse if I found one inside. I'd probably try to catch and release it outside using Tupperware. Man is everyone feeling more bored from being inside all the time now or is it just me? I'm gonna try going for a walk tomorrow. Are you going for walks?

They're too fast. You'd never catch one like that. The only way you catch them is in a mortal infliction where both you and the mouse know they're going to die. Like a glue trap. I'm happy being inside so far.

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