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BooksandTrees

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@BooksandTrees It's alright. We are going to adjust for a couple of weeks. I actually wanted to write some people yesterday, yet I felt weird as to why would I write them if I normally meet them. I actually got myself into a point where I do not want to write with people I meet regularly, because the interactions are so much better in person.

@Alexanderle I can attest to that relationship situation. I didn't get it back then, but anything longer than ONS spent together needs space, because there is dozen other things that (should) make "you" besides the relationship. I'm going to enjoy it once I get one again, though I hope it won't be as obsessive and compulsive as the last one!

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Thank you. @Alexanderleand @Ikar.

Sorry to hear you relapsed with porn. I got so sick of the fetish I was watching and kept trying to find other stuff, but honestly, porn is disgusting. The genres are disturbing. Years ago it was just about milfs or something. Now it's just evil and taboo. It has turned me away pretty sternly and I've forced myself to find and become bored of it. 

Maybe the isolation is going to help us quit porn. 

I remember I took 2 weeks off from work to play runescape and I stopped playing 4 days into it because of how pathetic my life was. I switched to 4 other games in 3 days, but never played after that for almost 5 months. If you go to a bakery you'll eventually grow sick of sweets and desire savory. I think I'm already there. 

I made the omelet today. I woke up late though because of last night. I also cooked my meal prep thing for the next 3 days. 

My dad thinks the combination of porn and then immediately eating junk food is causing sugar crashes on top of the dopamine crashes. It's dually adding to a depression feeling. He thinks exercise and cleaner eating will help. I agree. 

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@BooksandTrees I like your idea of exercise and cleaner eating. And I also think that one thing leads to another thing and can pull you down into the "darkness". But the fact that you cooked that omelet and meal prepped is already a good sign. Forget that thing with the dopanien crash though. There is a lot of rumors and myths surrounding dopamine. 

Regarding porn, it really is getting worse regarding, what one can watch. I have been at a point, where I did not watched it for weeeks, but lately, I have been struggling with it again. Tough to say why. Guess I have to keep experimenting with that. Maybe, I will finally also reach this point, where it becomes boring. I am pretty sure, I reached that point with games many months ago already. Right now, it really is disgusting. 😕 

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7 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

@BooksandTrees I like your idea of exercise and cleaner eating. And I also think that one thing leads to another thing and can pull you down into the "darkness". But the fact that you cooked that omelet and meal prepped is already a good sign. Forget that thing with the dopanien crash though. There is a lot of rumors and myths surrounding dopamine. 

Regarding porn, it really is getting worse regarding, what one can watch. I have been at a point, where I did not watched it for weeeks, but lately, I have been struggling with it again. Tough to say why. Guess I have to keep experimenting with that. Maybe, I will finally also reach this point, where it becomes boring. I am pretty sure, I reached that point with games many months ago already. Right now, it really is disgusting. 😕 

It's honestly disgusting what's on the sites. The women on there get abused, men and women are not naturally depicted, the taboo topics are disgusting, etc. It's just unpleasant and is difficult to see. I avoid all of these topics and even when you find a "normal porn vid" it's boring or is just the same plot over and over again with the same generic looking and sounding porn stars. Normal people don't look or sound like these people.

I've also started to notice the porn stars are just degraded instagram social influencers. They wear the same clothes and say the same things. They're fake people. I deleted social media because of how fake the people are. I knew I'd reach this point. I'm so tired of seeing the same makeup trends, the same clothing trends, the same accent trends where people try to speak in this Los Angeles style glam model voice. It's so generic and fake.

I miss unique people. Real life has unique people sometimes. Sometimes is better than no times. 

As for junk food, I know my body and mood crashes when I eat too much sugar and too many carbohydrates. I've been tracking my diet for the past month, which I'll upload in my monthly summary of March in 2 weeks. I have noticed whenever I eat over a certain amount of carbs and sugar I'm just lethargic and lifeless. Bogged down. 

I'm going to make smarter meal choices. Kodiak Cakes will replace all cake/baked goods for the time being. Dark chocolate will replace milk chocolate. I will also reduce portion sizes of these sweets.

I think meal prepping will keep me fuller and be there so I can have a meal when I'm feeling lazy and not wanting to cook. I also don't drink enough water at home. I drink much more at work and I'm less hungry. I barely drink water at home and I'm snacking.

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I think your dietary changes will workout. Quitting social media is probably a good call. It has a lot of negative effects on people and is kind of just a waste of time. I've been eating almost no sugar and only whole wheat bread. I'm pretty healthy in my food, but I still don't have like totally lean visible abs. I think I might need more cardio or less food.

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Today is the first day in weeks that I haven't watched porn or masturbated. I ate the rest of my junk food as well so it's not in the house. 

If there's one thing this virus has shown me it's that I'm tired of making excuses for not living the life I want to live. It's easier now for me to just do what I want and follow it instead of looking for reasons not to do it. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and do my exercises and eat breakfast. I plan on leaving work at 3:30 and doing yoga. I'll then take a shower and do some hobbies for a bit.

I can do this.

I called my dad for some support tonight, but he was kind of abrasive. He's not always great at giving advice. I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job or they're proud of me sometimes. I'm always looked at like the leader or something. There's not many instances where somebody says they're proud of me or compliment me on a job I've done. Work they kind of do, but I don't really get statements from friends or family that say I'm just a good person or doing something nice. 

My father has been off and on about this, but doesn't say it at the right times really. He'll say it at the end of a long phone call or something. I sometimes need a pick me up when I'm sad. He tries to sternly get me to change my mindset. I'd like someone to calmly collect me a bit and let me know I'm doing well. I need more warmth.

If I meet a woman I really would like her to be warm with me and help me a bit. 

There's a really good anime called Welcome to The NHK that came out in like 2010 or something that shows this really well. I might rewatch that and see how it makes me feel after 10 years.

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Fathers can be weird with stuff like doling out compliments and even simply saying "I love you" to their kids. My dad only ever really complimented me on my schoolwork and on how smart I was. I offhand mentioned something to my mother the other day about him and how I don't understand his general behavior, and then she began to tell me of how he apparently doesn't shut up about how wonderful I am when I'm not around. It's really strange. Your dad is probably proud of you, but too afraid (or something else) to say it. I feel like most people don't say stuff like that to people in general anyway, but maybe that's just because I'm a horrible person 🙂

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4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Fathers can be weird with stuff like doling out compliments and even simply saying "I love you" to their kids. My dad only ever really complimented me on my schoolwork and on how smart I was. I offhand mentioned something to my mother the other day about him and how I don't understand his general behavior, and then she began to tell me of how he apparently doesn't shut up about how wonderful I am when I'm not around. It's really strange. Your dad is probably proud of you, but too afraid (or something else) to say it. I feel like most people don't say stuff like that to people in general anyway, but maybe that's just because I'm a horrible person 🙂

Same. I think when I was about 10 and I was on a solo vacation with my dad for a week, at some point, he told me "I love you" and gave me a pat on the back. I was so bewildered by that I just gave him a scared/confused look and said "What the hell?". It just wasn't something I would've expected from him, maybe because I didn't get to see him that often back then.

When we get to talk nowadays, it's mostly about our progress in our lives, so we talk about what we did the past week. I know I can rely on him to get something done, because he's a man of action, and he can count on me in the same way. He has this primary way of showing affection.

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I went to bed at 1 instead of 4 last night. I woke up with the feeling of chills, but put another blanket over me. 

I still hit snooze for about 40 minutes and woke up adorned 830. It's better than 1030. I'm very tired this morning, but that makes sense because of the snooze button. 

I'm making improvements. 

I'm sad that my food did not come out well yesterday. I'm making new food today though. I also cleaned my whole apartment today and did 3 loads of laundry and folded them. 

I have stood outside as well. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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BooksandTrees,

I’d really like to call you by your name. If you take out this enemy (internet sexual themes) It will be a major upswing in your morale.

Imagine that this bad habit is like scraps. If you keep going after scraps, you are delaying your beautiful SO. Put a sheet on your fridge with some descriptions of your future SO. Keep adding to it by exploring what traits you would like her to have. Fighting your addiction is being faithful to your future SO. You are so worthy you deserve some of the best.

Learn to counter-sabotage the addiction. Today I counter-sabotaged my bad habit by upping my routines (what a simple advice Alexanderle). Im ready to up to ridiculous levels to be “unavailable” for the wrong thoughts

Edited by Amphibian220
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I'm pretty basic in my cooking, but I stay fed. That's good you're handling that area of life. Perhaps I could do more to cook something. I just put asian sauces on chicken/turkey and vegetables. Or make pasta. I guess I could make Thai curry more often. If weather permits I recommend going for a hike. It's nice where I'm living right now, so I've been going and it's great to get outdoors. Especially when there aren't many people.

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I had a lot less energy today. I can attribute it to inconsistent sleep and scheduling. I think I'm just gonna cook a lot of food tomorrow and make sure it's not cooked improperly this time. I'm going to make chicken, my spinach dish, and some general vegetables/rice combinations. I think this will give me 12 meals. I am finding that certain foods make me not feel well (tuna fish more than once every other week and mayo) etc.

I drank a lot more water today and got some sunlight. I did my 3 loads of laundry and folded them. I vacuumed, killed a mouse, dusted, put everything away that I normally just leave around, paid my bills, did some stuff for work, and other crap.

I'm just tired. The only way I'm gonna get more energy is sleeping, starting to exercise, and eating better. I ate a lot better today, but didn't sleep or exercise. Tomorrow I'm going to put those in. I also went to bed at 1 AM instead of 4 AM. Tonight I'd like to sleep by 10 or so. 

I brought my yoga mat into the house so I can exercise in the morning and at 4PM. I'm going to get this schedule going and eventually have enough energy to do my cartoon/writing at 4:30 PM until 6:30 PM.

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Killed another mouse just now before bed. I feel bad because I don't think it's my right to kill something that's trying to survive. That look of terror in their eyes is heartbreaking. 

But they spread disease, piss and shit everywhere, and try to eat my food during a pandemic where it's difficult to get food. Any animal in the animal kingdom would not allow another animal into their territory without a fight to the death. Sometimes a moral high ground is just words. 

I want a clean home and I'm taking steps to maintain that desire. 

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I have a pretty horrifying memory from the last year I was still actively drinking. My garage had become infested with mice and one day while drunk I killed a couple of them rather brutally. I won't go into detail. I'm not that kind of person though, so now thinking about what I'd done just haunts my memories. I'm like you, I don't think we should just arbitrarily kill something just because it's near our home but on the other hand you're right... wild mice are not healthy to have in your home so I think in that situation humanely exterminating them is the right thing to do. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't kill house spiders, too. Lol.

Morality is just words. It's just a set of standards we've all decided is the right way to live... but these days none of us can even agree what those are anymore. Do what you have to do but treat other people and creatures with dignity when you can, I say. 🙂 If I do have to kill something, I can at least do it quickly.

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Yep gotta get rid of those mice. I don't know how I'd kill a mouse if I found one inside. I'd probably try to catch and release it outside using Tupperware. Man is everyone feeling more bored from being inside all the time now or is it just me? I'm gonna try going for a walk tomorrow. Are you going for walks?

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3 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I have a pretty horrifying memory from the last year I was still actively drinking. My garage had become infested with mice and one day while drunk I killed a couple of them rather brutally. I won't go into detail. I'm not that kind of person though, so now thinking about what I'd done just haunts my memories. I'm like you, I don't think we should just arbitrarily kill something just because it's near our home but on the other hand you're right... wild mice are not healthy to have in your home so I think in that situation humanely exterminating them is the right thing to do. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't kill house spiders, too. Lol.

Morality is just words. It's just a set of standards we've all decided is the right way to live... but these days none of us can even agree what those are anymore. Do what you have to do but treat other people and creatures with dignity when you can, I say. 🙂 If I do have to kill something, I can at least do it quickly.

Yeah, I'd say my methods of killing them are inhumane lol. But the humane traps don't work. Those snap traps don't work. I turned my oven on and it smelled like urine. I typed it in on google and there were over 100 articles saying mice had pissed and shit in my oven while camping out. They're done. I'm killing every mouse I see til I leave. Fuck them.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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57 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yep gotta get rid of those mice. I don't know how I'd kill a mouse if I found one inside. I'd probably try to catch and release it outside using Tupperware. Man is everyone feeling more bored from being inside all the time now or is it just me? I'm gonna try going for a walk tomorrow. Are you going for walks?

They're too fast. You'd never catch one like that. The only way you catch them is in a mortal infliction where both you and the mouse know they're going to die. Like a glue trap. I'm happy being inside so far.

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Today was the day. I woke up at 5:30 after having the same dream over and over again with different people. I finally woke up at 6:45 and made breakfast and got to work. I worked until 11 and ate lunch while watching a TV show 5 ft from my computer. I then worked until 4:45 and exercised until 5:25. I took a shower after and made a very healthy dinner and watched a TV show. I then spoke to my mom and dad. I spoke for too long, but it's fine. I can do my hobby tomorrow. I was pretty low on energy again after working out, but way more than the past few days.

I noticed that I was much less depressed today because I slept more, didn't snooze, ate healthier, ate LESS overall, ate no sugary foods, and exercised.

This is a sign, people. We gotta keep these habits up for a few weeks until our bodies get used to them. Then they won't feel like work and we'll have a ton of energy to do our hobbies after.

I remember playing sports in high school and when training camp started I'd fall asleep after practice every day for a few weeks. Then I just had all the energy in the world and could do anything after. Once we train our bodies to be active and have energy our mind follows suit and we can do more.

I'm going to do hobbies maybe 2-3 days per week after work until I reach that point of having energy. Until then it's going to be work, exercise, eating right, relaxing, and following my schedule until I have the energy to sit down and try a 3D model or write a book entry.

I also wanted to add that I'm very happy to work from home. I didn't want to go to the office for the past few months because of some stressful coworkers. This has been utter bliss. I can work without distractions, lay down for 15 minutes if I want, and look outside. I eat less food now because I'm less stressed out.

I don't really like being around people sometimes. I feel great comfort in having my personal space and it's just so lovely some days. This makes me wonder if I'll ever enjoy sharing my space with a woman and having a relationship lol.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I have a pretty horrifying memory from the last year I was still actively drinking. My garage had become infested with mice and one day while drunk I killed a couple of them rather brutally. I won't go into detail. I'm not that kind of person though, so now thinking about what I'd done just haunts my memories. I'm like you, I don't think we should just arbitrarily kill something just because it's near our home but on the other hand you're right... wild mice are not healthy to have in your home so I think in that situation humanely exterminating them is the right thing to do. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't kill house spiders, too. Lol.

Morality is just words. It's just a set of standards we've all decided is the right way to live... but these days none of us can even agree what those are anymore. Do what you have to do but treat other people and creatures with dignity when you can, I say. 🙂 If I do have to kill something, I can at least do it quickly.

I think a well-thrown object might do the trick with mice as well. Although I never did it on my own and until the end, I have experience with terminating pigs. It doesn't haunt me, I think have a nature to withstand these things. I actually think spiders are cool 😄

Agreed on the second paragraph, just try to do our best!

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I keep having dreams where I will fail a test or something and lose my college degrees. The struggle i went through in my past to become an engineer after almost failing college twice never escapes me. 

I don't have my licensure exam on my mind since it's not for 7 months now. I just always see a test that's unsolvable and I have to make up excuses for why I couldn't solve any problems and it's because I didn't study. Like I'll be cast out of society and be forced to work minimum wage jobs forever. I never want to fail like that and lose my life. 

This has nothing to do with the recession as I've had these dreams for years. I just think it explains why I'm so hard on myself at work and with new hobbies. I don't want to be a failure at anything I do ever again. It's inevitable though. Can't be an expert at everything. 

This really means nothing. I just wanted to write about it.

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I'm kind of pissed off. I set aside 4 hours tonight for hobbies and don't want to do anything at all. I started to write my book, but no ideas come to mind. I can only write when I'm emotionally bothered. When i exercise, eat well, and feel mentally clear I can't write at all and have nothing interesting to say.

The only thing is when I'm mentally upset and need to vent, I don't have the energy to write.

I don't think writing is for me. It's not fun. I like designing stuff and being a leader on a team. I don't know anymore. This is really pissing me off. I'll be 74 weeks away from video games tomorrow and I still have no hobbies. It's depressing.

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I think I've damaged my mind through video games, porn, and depression. I say this because tonight I tried again to work on a hobby project and see if I enjoyed doing it. I didn't. I got 10 minutes in and said "fuck this" and stopped. I called my friend up to get his input about hobbies and how to enjoy them.

If any of you are depressed, you'll know that your mind will sometimes experience a "depression headache" where your head feels clouded, heavy, almost painful without any legitimate pain. It bogs you down and makes you sad and has a pressure sensation. It's like this anxiety and downward drag emotionally. Like you're in an airplane ascending and pressure builds up in your head a bit and you can't really relax or enjoy yourself.

I usually have this after work and the only thing I can do to get rid of it is watch porn or play video games (74 weeks since I did this). I keep thinking that a new hobby will give me some sort of accomplishment or release to feel better. It never comes.

Today I followed my goals once again. I woke up at 6:45 and stopped working at 4. I worked out, took a shower, cooked dinner, ate dinner, watched Iron Chef, and sat outside and enjoyed the warm weather. I fully enjoyed my entire day. I didn't have the "depression headache" symptoms I felt earlier.

I wanted to take advantage of this feeling and work on my hobby and that's where we are at now. I didn't want to do anything creative. I'm just mentally satisfied and drained and don't need to do anything else. I read @Erik2.0 saying he's always tired. I read from multiple people that they're tired and not used to it. I gotta be honest I think that's just life. 

This is why I mentioned I think I've damaged my mind through gaming and porn. We're used to stimulants. These games are stimulating and unnatural. You shouldn't be getting boosts of non-stop energy for 8 hours after being at work for 8-12 hours a day. I think we've been stretching ourselves thin and now we expect so much out of ourselves.

I remember when I quit video games my heartburn, digestive issues, heart pain from anxiety, and bloating went away after a month. I haven't had them since. I think my body was feeling the pain from the burden of gaming and porn for so long. I think it's natural for me to be tired at 7:30 PM when I'm going to bed at 10 PM. 

The other part of this whole thing is I only want to do stuff I enjoy. Hobbies should be enjoyable. I am trying to turn my hobbies into work and getting some crazy end result. I turn everything into a project. I wanted to write, but instead of writing something small I just try to create a book series or something. It's so insurmountable that I don't even want to try it once I go to it.

Tonight I had more fun just listening to music on my couch and head banging. I just enjoyed it.There was no reward. No prize. I just enjoyed the process. This is why I liked rock climbing. I didn't care about needing to create something with climbing. I could just climb and enjoy the process. Everything I treat as a job I don't enjoy. I'm trying to find hobbies by treating them like jobs.

This is where I'm failing. I gotta be smarter about this.

Who says listening to music isn't a hobby? Who says reading interesting news articles or a book isn't a hobby? Cooking dinner? Watching a tv series in moderation? Exercise? Relaxing outside? Making up jokes?

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