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BooksandTrees

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8 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thanks for your input. I'll do my best to be acceptable. Thanks for saying I have a lot of hobbies I didn't think about it like that because I'm not very accomplished at any of them.

Just be careful with that mindset. If things don't go well I don't want you to think you're not acceptable since that's not fair to you. I just mean in a casually observant way it's important to be within the social norm while maintaining your originality. It's like eating your favorite cheeseburger. You're not putting herring on your burger, but you might add a new seasoning. 

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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today I did watch, but it's part of an experiment to see if I can compose myself and see if I can watch or just masturbate 1 day per week. I just want to try it. I know gaming in moderation did not work with me 2 years ago so I'm hesitant to say porn or masturbation in moderation is possible for me. But that has to be. I don't want to have a fear of sexual emotions when I'm in a relationship. Gaming is basically that combination of dopamine rushes, escapism, and achieving things or competing in things or socializing, etc. So many reasons for gaming. We can redirect those desires through other activities that take less time and are healthier. 

Here is, what I think of those experiments: The reason to do an experiment is like a test to see, if there might be ANY chance that we can still do it. This means that porn is something that has meaning to you. This is opposed to some earlier comments these days that porn is a complete waste of time. If this would really be the case and it would be meaningless, we would not do it. This is, what is happening to you with gaming. However, you have not played games for so long that an actual experiment might be this: Would be gaming in moderation be possible now? After all that time? Because you seem to have no desire to do it. In your words:  "No anger, no shame, no regret, no desire, no love, no excitement. It was like I never had attachment in the first place." 

If that is true than gaming in moderation now would be possible to the degree where you again would start to like it so much and to see meaning in it that you would become addicted again, whatever this means. I am by no means saying that you should try to play games now. But if you and I are thinking that gaming in moderation is a bad idea, even though we are not having issues with games, why should an experiment to watch porn in moderation be worth it, if you and I were more struggling with that?

I am interested in your thoughts. I am still thinking that the idea of moderation should be possible. But moderation would not mean some controlled timeframe, were we would only "allow" ourselves to do something for 20 minutes, but actually the absence of a problem. We should kinda do it. But we don't really care. It just happens, but without causing any problems.

I am currently thinking a lot about this, because I see that while I am always resisting sugar, other areas, especially carbohydrates like bread or noodles are imposing challenges for me. I still feel not like the master of my diet. A true master of his diet would not need actual limitations. He is just doing the right things. I am not done with my thought process yet to come to a conclusion, but I am not sure about the idea to experiment more with pornography. Masturbation is a different thing, because it is not some product, people are trying to "sell" to you, but just something natural that exists.

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20 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Here is, what I think of those experiments: The reason to do an experiment is like a test to see, if there might be ANY chance that we can still do it. This means that porn is something that has meaning to you. This is opposed to some earlier comments these days that porn is a complete waste of time. If this would really be the case and it would be meaningless, we would not do it. This is, what is happening to you with gaming. However, you have not played games for so long that an actual experiment might be this: Would be gaming in moderation be possible now? After all that time? Because you seem to have no desire to do it. In your words:  "No anger, no shame, no regret, no desire, no love, no excitement. It was like I never had attachment in the first place." 

If that is true than gaming in moderation now would be possible to the degree where you again would start to like it so much and to see meaning in it that you would become addicted again, whatever this means. I am by no means saying that you should try to play games now. But if you and I are thinking that gaming in moderation is a bad idea, even though we are not having issues with games, why should an experiment to watch porn in moderation be worth it, if you and I were more struggling with that?

I am interested in your thoughts. I am still thinking that the idea of moderation should be possible. But moderation would not mean some controlled timeframe, were we would only "allow" ourselves to do something for 20 minutes, but actually the absence of a problem. We should kinda do it. But we don't really care. It just happens, but without causing any problems.

I am currently thinking a lot about this, because I see that while I am always resisting sugar, other areas, especially carbohydrates like bread or noodles are imposing challenges for me. I still feel not like the master of my diet. A true master of his diet would not need actual limitations. He is just doing the right things. I am not done with my thought process yet to come to a conclusion, but I am not sure about the idea to experiment more with pornography. Masturbation is a different thing, because it is not some product, people are trying to "sell" to you, but just something natural that exists.

I totally agree with you and am sort of developing the theory that the only way to overcome an addiction is to redirect the triggers that cause us to "need" something to feel better. 

It's different with every addiction. I am curious about masturbation in moderation because there are some benefits I feel from it when I don't binge it. I want to have a girlfriend once I'm ready and when that happens I want to have sex, but not have it be the only reason I'm with her. So I'm slowly leaning on redirecting my triggers towards exercise, breathing, comedy, talking to people, journaling, or being responsible and completing the task at hand that I'm stressed out about. A lot of us will use escapism to procrastinate work or chores. If I train myself that getting it completed instead of escaping then I'll have the mindset of tackling projects instead of wanting to watch tv or something. 

I'm not curious about moderation with gaming at this point because I understand how difficult it was for me to get to where I am. I never want to repeat that again. I'm eternally grateful to have been able to quit. 

That's the same thing with eating healthy. I can't control myself with junk food so I'm just going to not buy it and if I really want a treat I'll still count calories and only eat dessert in a positive setting, not one where I'm alone and sad. 

We'll see what happens. I'll journal it. I didn't watch porn after the one yesterday and I'm not in the mood today. If I can lower my dependence on needing to masturbate then I think I will eventually be able to masturbate without porn permanently. 

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I finished my work today and will subtract the hours I spent from Friday so I can have a longer weekend. I was kind of angry about all of this, but I'm choosing to feel better. I played some street hockey to calm my mind and then watched a little documentary. I think I'd like to try and animate today.

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Sometimes I wish I could listen to my own advice. I didn't really do anything today. I think I'm burnt out from this project at work. I beat myself up for not starting to 3d model that voltorb's effects. I just wasn't in the mood for it. I think it's because I'm so uncomfortable with the software still. Those tutorials I followed weren't really tutorials. They were more like a classroom setting where I watched him describe stuff. It wasn't interactive. So I followed along and forgot everything because I wasn't practicing and it was boring to follow. 

I enjoy using the software, but I forget where everything is. I think I'm just gonna fuck around some more and give myself permission to not be good. I'm still being too hard on myself. I'm exhausted and need some down time. Sometimes making a huge project is tough. I think I'm just gonna fuck around and mindlessly make some furniture in 3d so I can just slowly learn, listen to music, and get more comfortable with making things.

I'll post some stuff that I make every so often if I feel like it. It's like I'm trying to run a race and I can't even stand on my feet yet so I cry like a baby. Patience is key. It's so easy to be objective and help others on this website and I'm not listening to my own words.

Edit: I actually did an interactive tutorial for creating hair and made this:

 

Hair Image.png

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Discipline crumbles when you are feeling tired or ill. But staying away from internet is highest order priority for me in such a case. This means my day is more boring but this boredom is good for me- it in turn encourages me to go out and do other things that are less hard. Like fixing things in my house.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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You played actual street hockey? I played it just once in my teens.

It was the coolest sport in my neighbourhood. Guys that played it looked a league above football because it took a great deal of effort to learn how to move and pass in a fast paced game. Remembering this tells me how much more connection I had. Everything was outside in the real world, I had no computer to waste my time.

How do you play? Is it a two on two or proper five on five games? The time I played it was without goalies, but we put these small goals to make scoring hard.

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I love this art you're posting. It inspires me to post some art of my own. I also feel like I'm no anywhere near 'running' so I'm kind of embarrassed to post anything. I feel like my stuff is uh very novice level art. I'm not even coloring things yet. But yeah maybe we can post on here and people can checkout our progression over time 🙂

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13 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I love this art you're posting. It inspires me to post some art of my own. I also feel like I'm no anywhere near 'running' so I'm kind of embarrassed to post anything. I feel like my stuff is uh very novice level art. I'm not even coloring things yet. But yeah maybe we can post on here and people can checkout our progression over time 🙂

Thanks! I was too tired today to do something unfortunately. I'm a novice as well so don't worry. Go ahead and post stuff!

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11 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

You played actual street hockey? I played it just once in my teens.

It was the coolest sport in my neighbourhood. Guys that played it looked a league above football because it took a great deal of effort to learn how to move and pass in a fast paced game. Remembering this tells me how much more connection I had. Everything was outside in the real world, I had no computer to waste my time.

How do you play? Is it a two on two or proper five on five games? The time I played it was without goalies, but we put these small goals to make scoring hard.

I just play alone because of the quarantine. It's a lot of fun.  I just shoot on the wall to relieve stress. 

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Today was tough. There was a huge problem with a design and I was asked to fix it. This stressed me out because I now have 5 deadlines this week. Like, damn dude. 

I chose not to work late though. I'm tired of that. It's been 3 straight weeks without a day off. I'm burnt out and tired. So I enjoyed dinner and just relaxed. I am gonna take a shower and sleep or something. 

This week I'll return to art and exercise when I have energy. 

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm burnt out and tired.

This is a recurring theme in your posts. Since around february 13th, burnt out has been mentioned 8 times by you. Can you elaborate, what do you mean by that? Like, how is it expressing itself? What do you feel? 

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2 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

This is a recurring theme in your posts. Since around february 13th, burnt out has been mentioned 8 times by you. Can you elaborate, what do you mean by that? Like, how is it expressing itself? What do you feel? 

It means that after work I'm so mentally fatigued that I can take some deep breaths for a bit and instantly feel like I could sleep for a long period of time with no desire to do anything else. 

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@BooksandTrees

I have three questions kind of.

1. Is it generally too much or is it only something temporarily? Because if it is only temporarily, maybe it will just solve it self over time and you just have to fight through it.

2. Are you enjoying it to some agree? Working hard can give some people a good feeling. Sometimes, having no deadlines and nothing to do, get done or to accomplish can be quite hard as well. So maybe, know is a rough time, but if you are generally enjoying what you do, maybe this is ok for now

3. Are there ways to relax or to be more efficient? Maybe there a parts of your work, which could be optimized? For instance, maybe some kind of work seems like hard work, but is not as necessary or efficient as it could be. Maybe, you could switch something up or work at different times. Maybe working at a different time might help. Or giving yourself more breaks in order to have more efficient sessions of your work, which might even save you time.

I know, very theoretical, but those could be things to adress or to look into.

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4 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

@BooksandTrees

I have three questions kind of.

1. Is it generally too much or is it only something temporarily? Because if it is only temporarily, maybe it will just solve it self over time and you just have to fight through it.

2. Are you enjoying it to some agree? Working hard can give some people a good feeling. Sometimes, having no deadlines and nothing to do, get done or to accomplish can be quite hard as well. So maybe, know is a rough time, but if you are generally enjoying what you do, maybe this is ok for now

3. Are there ways to relax or to be more efficient? Maybe there a parts of your work, which could be optimized? For instance, maybe some kind of work seems like hard work, but is not as necessary or efficient as it could be. Maybe, you could switch something up or work at different times. Maybe working at a different time might help. Or giving yourself more breaks in order to have more efficient sessions of your work, which might even save you time.

I know, very theoretical, but those could be things to adress or to look into.

1. Temporary. 

2. I enjoy it and missed it when I quit last year. I'm not taking it for granted. 

3. I'm extremely efficient. It's just a collection of deadlines. I'm not going to consider this advice since it is too broad for my specific deadline. I'm not trying to sound rude when I say I'm not listening. When something is due it's due and that's what happens in my industry. I hope this does not offend you since I respect your opinion on things. I've just done most of these things you've suggested with more breaks etc. 

I don't really want advice for the burnout. I think I've learned not to work on weekends anymore, not work for free for the sake of the budget, and how to make my own decisions more prominent. 

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I only worked 8 hours today. I feel happy. I kept getting asked to do more and I told everyone no. I have no huge plans today other than working out, shower therapy, and some time 3d modeling. But I'm not in the mood to keep doing shit. No days off for 16 days now. I'm not working more overtime. 

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Today went extremely well. I got all my work done at work and took time to breathe and destress during the day. I had an amazing amount of energy after work ended and I only worked 8 hours again. 

I then exercised for 20 minutes, showered, relaxed, ate dinner, and then 3d modeled. I spent about 2 hours doing it and texting with people. I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. I got my voltorb to glow and started modeling lightning around it. I'll try to finish those this week and try to animate it.

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I then exercised for 20 minutes, showered, relaxed, ate dinner, and then 3d modeled. I spent about 2 hours doing it and texting with people. I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. I got my voltorb to glow and started modeling lightning around it. I'll try to finish those this week and try to animate it.

Be sure to share the Voltorb again, I love it! 😄

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