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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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First of all, I think that Icandothis is right: Eveything you feel is valid and needs to be expressed. And I think that this is important, otherwise you will find other, sometimes more painful ways to get it out.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

They're fake. These people are fake. Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting. Just trash.

I see what you mean here and why you would call them fake. But I have the feeling that you are very negative when thinking about these people. Did you make some bad experiences with these people or where is that coming from? Something that I see with those "perfect" instagram influencers, is that they are trying to create a picture of themselves. They want to be seen in a certain way. But isn't this something, most people try on social media? Only posting the positive stuff. Only presenting themselves at the beach or with friends? Using the amount of followers or "friends" as a measure of fame and success? This doesn't mean that they are bad people or self-centered per se. They are trying to find a way to understand this life for themselves? Sure, there are also black sheep and people, I really don't like, but I think overgeneralizations can be a trap sometimes.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Many women have "daddy issues" and many men have "mommy issues". It stems from childhood and grows into adulthood. 

This is something, modern psychology is not focusing on that much. Sure, your childhood is incredibly important, but it does not have to define you for ever. For instance, the Freudian idea of the oedipus complex is overrated. People emphasize more the neuroplasticity of the brain. You can still define, who you want to be regardless of your past. I know, not entirely, but to a certain degree.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

because I'm alone in my house and think they're off being happy without me. That might be the case with some, but not for all. I have to remember that.

That is basically me. I am still often alone and have this feeling that other people are having fun outside. But this is also not necessarily true. The same, where people are presenting themselves on social media, in a similar fashion their "happiness" with see in the real world is also only one side of the coin. But I guess, despite knowing that, it can be hard to really relate this to your own life. In the same way, where I have to deal with my "irrational" fear of rejection.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think tonight I've healed a little from her death after 4 years. Maybe I love my mom more as well. And maybe I believe I can date this girl I really like. My time is coming. My perspective must change.

so beautiful to read those words. I hop you can sustain this perspective and create momentum with it. 🙂

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Astrology is fake, birth signs are fake bull shit with people just trying to be spiritually interesting.

I was literally just thinking about this. I instantly think less of people who talk about their horoscope or how astrology is 'totally a thing because they're a pisces and they've never gotten along with a libra'. Another example of dogmatic religion. It's not any different from any religion. Just another bunch of people claiming they have the answers, the truth to life and how you should just trust them and therefor shouldn't have to bother with fact checking. Makes me want to retch.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's childish

Kind of. But also be nice to yourself. We all have limits. My SO is going through depression and refuses major help or therapy because she keeps proclaiming that she's 26, has a Master's degree and a cool full-time job. She's not the victim of abuse, not an addict, has no money issues, nice friends, is in full physical health and therefor has nothing to complain about. She considers her problems childish and refuses to seek help because it'd be an unwarranted cry for attention in her eyes. You've been going through a lot man. You've grown so much. Don't expect yourself to instantly be an incredibly mature person and an emotional zen master. It's cool to see some holes in your behaviour and be aware of them and try to make amends or improve. But also don't push it. If you bite off more than you can chew, it's going to cause more problems rather than solve some.

 

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Things are getting better with her. We haven't argued in months. I haven't gotten angry at her in months. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch. I think we both just needed time away to heal. We're learning to appreciate each other now and I'm learning to tear away the walls a bit and allow a bond.

Epic man! I'm so happy for you! Great strides!!

 

And I'm so sorry for your loss. What happened to your friend and the circumstances surrounding her life and death sound horrible... I hope you find peace with it one day.

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Thank you @Icandothis, @Alexanderle, and @Phoenixking for the kind and in depth responses. I was compelled to write such a long piece and it was therapeutic to write. I appreciate that you took the time to read such a long piece as well. 

I'm happy that I can relate with each of you and appreciate the specific quotes that you took notice to highlight and identify with. Recovery is so often the identification of pain and learning to heal from it and deal with emotional triggers that addiction tendencies tend to cover up.

Why do we game, drink, watch porn, have too much sex, fight, hate, do drugs, manipulate others, and binge tv? They're all ways our brain has identified to heal our pain, trauma, loneliness, neglect, abuse, shame, regret, and more. They're tools to help escape. 

This long process of healing is so arduous, but rewarding. I'm going to hit 500 days next weekend and I'm still learning so much about myself.

I'll continue to share and listen to yours as well. 

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Today I'm 71 weeks free from gaming. I had a difficult day today because I had to study for my exam, but forgot my calculator at work and I started panicking about buying a new one. 

The calculator only costs 25 dollars. I can't use Google or my phone's calculator because I need to simulate the test with the standard calculator. 

I get anxiety from spending money now because of how expensive 2019 was for me. I lost money with all the moves, job retreat, eating out, vacation, expensive rent, car repairs, and surgery. The fact that I had to spend another 25 freaked me out because it reminded me of my stressful year. The result was me watching porn 2 times.

Porn makes you very tired so I slept a lot after and didn't study well. 

The good things that happened was my mom visited and we got lunch together. We had a good time. I told her about the movie I watched and how it mirrored our relationship as mother and son. I apologized to her for being so angry at her for the past 20 years in depth. 

She then bought me the calculator I needed and I felt very relieved after. 

I then took a nap because of the porn effects and eating too many calories at lunch. 

I woke up and immediately needed to watch porn again but I stopped. I watched a 30 minute video again about the adverse effects of porn on your mental health and pulled of it. I was able to have dinner, do laundry, and clean. 

Loneliness and my exam has made me relapse more than anything else. None of it is arousal. I haven't had anything to arouse me. I've compiled a list of people I can speak to at all hours of the day to keep me company when I'm lonely whether it's in person or on the phone. I'm avoiding discord and the computer because those online communities are triggers for video game relapse. This website is too slow and not addicting so it doesn't bother me.

I've also decided to commit to studying and reward myself for solving problems. This will lessen the anxiety I have towards studying and not knowing the answer. I've also talked about my strategy for life after the exam. 

No more mandatory work after work. I can finally date without fear of the woman ruining my study habits or me only wanting to be with her and using her as an excuse to not study. I will also get a major raise and more exciting projects at work. I'll have less responsibility outside of work and can focus on my hobbies again. I'll also be able to save up for a home and buy one next year. These tests cost thousands of dollars. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 2/28/2020 at 8:47 PM, Erik2.0 said:

I didn’t know you’re podcasting? That sounds like a fun hobby. Sorry about your rib. It’s good to hear you’re finding an outlet in your comedy. What’s your work like lately?

I'll think about releasing it. It's purely comedy related. Nothing inspiring or inducing reflection. I haven't done any hobbies recently due to studying. I need to quit porn and finish studying before I return to 3d modeling. I want to create porn with it and it's causing me to relapse. I know I'd make great scenes, but it's also disgusting, embarrassing, and humiliating to even admit. 

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I've been very irritable today while studying. I take frequent breaks. The stress of learning is making me want to watch porn and I'm struggling immensely. 

I feel like I need to watch porn more than anything in the world. It will make me feel better. 

Upon further analysis I'm not aroused. I'm stressed from learning and the pressure to learn quickly so I can pass my test in 60 days. 

Take a deep breath. You have 60 days. It doesn't take 60 days to learn a problem. It takes about 30 minutes.  Porn is just a drug to soothe your stresses. It won't help and it won't help in the future when learning hobbies. 

Breathe, drink water, step outside. No relapse. You have beaten addiction and can do it here. 

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@BooksandTrees Yes, porn is just a drug. It's good in the short term, then it gets worse and worse until it's not fulfilling at a all. At least that was my experience with it. If you don't want to do it anymore I wish you the best of luck nofapping. Thanks for commenting on my journal. It's understandable that you'd be tempted to use 3d modeling to make porn with what you're going through right now with craving porn. If it's meant to be it'll work out. What're your list of things to do instead if you feel craving for porn?

Edited by Erik2.0
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12 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees Yes, porn is just a drug. It's good in the short term, then it gets worse and worse until it's not fulfilling at a all. At least that was my experience with it. If you don't want to do it anymore I wish you the best of luck nofapping. Thanks for commenting on my journal. It's understandable that you'd be tempted to use 3d modeling to make porn with what you're going through right now with craving porn. If it's meant to be it'll work out. What're your list of things to do instead if you feel craving for porn?

I get out of bed or leave my room. I drink water. I step outside. I try to talk to someone. I talk myself out of it. I take a shower if it's at night. I'll listen to music.

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I managed to study for 8 hours today. The first 3 hours I suffered intense porn cravings. It was getting to the point where I was audibly yelling at my book in my room. That's so embarrassing. I went from several walks. I studied for 8 hours within an 11 hour period. Just frustrating overall.

I spoke to my dad and friends about studying and stuff and managed to get back to studying. I just did problem solving the rest of the night and actually had fun. I really enjoy problem solving. I just dislike sitting through the online lectures because they can move slowly and I get anxious about how much time I have to spend studying. But I feel better now. I think I'm ahead of where I intended to be even with me not studying on Saturday due to anxiety attacks and porn symptoms.

I also managed to only eat 1450 calories today. I'm trying to lose weight for summer. I'd like to lose 20 pounds or so and it should only take 8 weeks for it to happen if I eat well. The test is in 8 weeks also. Maybe by then I'll be in better shape and pass the exam. That's the hope.

I feel better and I'm looking forward to studying tomorrow. I feel like I could study for another 2 or 3 hours, but it's late and I want to get home early from work tomorrow to study and not binge study like I used to binge my gaming and porn. I need to do this with balance and a healthy sleep schedule.

 

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Tonight is difficult. I started to feel nauseous out of no where and I'm freaking out big time. I'm very afraid of being sick so I'm having lots of anxiety about it.

I'd very much like to relapse and watch porn to clear my mind. I'm just praying right now. 

I hate how there are random days where I think about sickness for a brief moment and then hours later I might feel Ill. 

Does my mind have a hunch? I wonder. 

I really wanted 8 hours of sleep tonight but that's not looking like a reality. I need to fight and stay strong. 

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I came home very tired. I made a healthy dinner to stay under 1500 calories again.  I watched tv to relax my mind a bit but ended up watching it and then watching porn. 

I'm too tired to study and don't want to study post 9pm.

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Looks like you had a pretty tiresome night. It sounds like you'll be okay health wise. I have some ideas for you. There's a book that might help you sleep better called 'quiet your mind & get to sleep'. Also when I was struggling a lot with nofap I started sitting and meditating on God's presence. Now I do that every morning and night for a little bit and it really helped me nofap. I don't know if you're religious or what religion you practice, but maybe doing that or something similar might help you.

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On 3/2/2020 at 9:00 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Looks like you had a pretty tiresome night. It sounds like you'll be okay health wise. I have some ideas for you. There's a book that might help you sleep better called 'quiet your mind & get to sleep'. Also when I was struggling a lot with nofap I started sitting and meditating on God's presence. Now I do that every morning and night for a little bit and it really helped me nofap. I don't know if you're religious or what religion you practice, but maybe doing that or something similar might help you.

I don't know. I believe in God in my own way and have my own relationship with God. I just don't believe in practicing with an establishment because of reasons I don't wish to share. I'll consider it or something like it.

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I had a much better day today than yesterday. I think I was burnt out from studying yesterday and had a long day. I got angry at myself because I knew I wasn't gonna study so I decided to numb my mind and watch porn a lot. Today, I got right out of bed, ate breakfast, and went to work. I got a lot done and then relaxed outside in the sun for a bit while it was warm. I then went to therapy, grocery shopping, and made dinner.

I got home with only 2 hours before bed. I watched hockey and relaxed. I'm gonna get to work early tomorrow and have a good day of studying after.

I'm getting stressed by some of my coworkers. They goof off way too much and are very annoying. It's 4 of them who just don't work 8 hour days, goof off, and distract everyone. It's becoming frustrating to work there.

I also hit 500 days free of games today.

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Today was another good day. I got a ton done at work. My therapist is right and I've let the stress from my coworkers make me eager to relapse and watch porn at home. It's not all my coworkers. I love the office and my managers. It's just certain people being very loud and unproductive in the office that make it a less peaceful environment to work on stuff.

I'm trying to eliminate this stress by letting myself know that none of that is in my control. Did I do my work that day? Yes. Did I progress the projects? Yes. Did I help make the work environment better by being helpful, friendly, productive, and clean? Yes.

Then that's all that matters and it's all I can control. Don't make management a responsibility when I'm not management. 

When I get home I can sit there and breathe a bit. Do some cooking. I can stare at the lake and watch the waves move up and down to help me zone out and break the tension from the day while breathing.

This exam is over in 6 weeks. I just gotta study 16 hours per week for 6 weeks and it's over. I got this.

No porn in 2 days. I'm trying another strategy that I did with video games. I used to convince myself that I couldn't game during the week or because I was studying. It helped me not think about playing. I can do the same with porn.

Gaming took me 10 years to really quit. I've been trying to quit porn for 6. I know it's gonna be a struggle but I can do it.

I wanted to add I studied for 2 hours tonight after writing this post and got all of the questions right on my practice exam. Feeling confident.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wanted to add I studied for 2 hours tonight after writing this post and got all of the questions right on my practice exam. Feeling confident.

I look forward to seeing you keep making progress, dude! Keep rocking it! You're doing great!

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Thanks guys.

I had another stressful day at work because of people doing strange things to limit productivity. I freaked out in the morning, but settled down and just realized it's not worth freaking out over. I got my stuff done and had a good day.

I was very tired after, but I still came home, listened to a great podcast while cooking, and made a full dinner with meal prep for the next 3 meals. I followed that up by studying for 2.5 hours.

The one bad thing was I forced myself to watch porn so I could relax. I wasn't even really craving it. I just did it out of nowhere and instantly regretted it, breaking my 3 day stint without it. 

I'm finally noticing trends, though. Stress from work is getting me in the mood to relapse.

Listening to podcasts and music helps me calm down after work. I think this will be a good way for me to settle down. It also diminishes my porn cravings. I honestly just forced myself to watch porn. I didn't crave it once tonight. That's something I'll need to learn from.

I was supposed to hang out with friends tomorrow, but I didn't realize it's at my friend's house with 2 dogs..................

I'm allergic to dogs and he told us where we'd meet at the last minute today after planning this for 4 weeks. I'm not happy about it. I'll probably skip and study instead. We'll see.

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I'm frustrated right now because I have somehow managed to hurt my spine. As my ribs fully healed my spine started hurting. I woke up on Tuesday with the pain. It's  only when I bend forward. If I bend forward my whole abdomen starts to spasm from the pain. Sleeping is impossible. It hurts more than the rib injury. 

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Thanks. Advil seems to help. Maybe I'm just stressing too much.

I'm a little upset tonight because I wanted to see my friends and play board games with them and hang out. We planned this a month ago and I really miss seeing my friends. I've noted on here how I feel ignored and alone all of the time and it's just nice being one of the guys. There are two dogs at the house it's hosted at and I'm severely allergic to dogs so I didn't go.

I get really bad asthma with dogs and it hurts to breathe. My ribcage already hurts enough and I don't think struggling to breathe is worth it. Just disappointing. I'm home alone now. This has happened since I was a kid. I always had to avoid parties because of cat and dog allergies and my house was always too dirty to invite anyone over. 

I was only able to become school acquaintances with them because of it and that's a major reason why I never dated anyone in middle or high school and I never was able to make real friends. It's a huge reason why I played video games because I could always be with friends. Something I never had the chance to do for my whole life until then. 

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