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Hitaru

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About Hitaru

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    The Spaniard Dude
  • Birthday 09/09/1994

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  1. 2 years since I used Steam for the last time! Or in other words, since I commited to quit videogames seriously. A giga-post would be in order, don't ya think! My entries in this journal have become less frequent and myself a little bit scattered all over the place, but that doesn't mean I'm still not here, or things are not happening, or I've stopped learning. Actually I feel a little bad for not being able to organize my thoughts so I can come back to them or give advice to others. But they are in my head somehow. Probably I feel like this because it's a process that has not settled yet, and I'll be ready in a future time. Maybe I'll never feel ready and just do my best to understand what is going on with my life/journey at every moment. So hard to grasp man. No complains tho. Overall: I'm happy. I enjoy the little things more. Just being able to enjoy that I'm here, alive. My little, kid self would say: "That's "adult" thinking. You're resigning yourself to die", and sometimes bothers me. But it's not like he offered a better alternative. Actually I'm not falling for the adult meme yet. I feel my age now. Doing things my age. Being social. Choosing to the best of my ability and empathy how, when, why do things. Don't smoke anything and barely drink with 23, so I don't think I'll be starting seriously anytime soon. And I don't feel more adult or boring for that; if anything, I feel more myself. So probably I'm probably doing this me thing the right way. The example is silly but it talks about the way I'm feeling it. If anything, I have FOMO about what will become of me when I start studying. I want to take it very, very seriously. I don't want to miss out being a normal youth now that I've started to get the hang of it, or get isolated in a library for the next five years at least. I know I can't go back in time, I know that until I don't feel I'm at the same level I won't see the others as equals or my time as right, and for that I need (and want) to study, for emotional and cultural reasons. And perhaps because I have my bit of ego and learning without being called "laureate", or "doctor" would cut half of the fun. That's also part of me and hell if I care. Took my time to gladly accept it. Italian project is coming to an end in two months, one of them holiday, that will pass flying. I have plans for then. If anything, the eternal doubt is which one launch first. But having clear-ish options gives me confidence. I can do this. Even if it's hard. I'll update again soon with other things I want to share. See you!
  2. Hitaru

    Cheers from Portugal!

    Can confirm that the treatment was great. Welcome!
  3. Hitaru

    Game Quitters en Español

    ¡Traducidas las dos charlas TED de @Cam Adair! Enlaces aquí: - Escapando de la adicción a videojuegos: Cam Adair para TEDxBoulder. - La sorprendente verdad sobre el rechazo | Cam Adair para TEDxFargo.
  4. It's happening. Every time I do something to the point I'm satisfied with it, I do it at the expense of becoming very ill-tempered, complaining and bossying everyone around me. I've been saying for 3 years (at least here) this was a family trait I didn't want to develop, so kudos to me for actually knowing myself. Now as a reminder for myself: I need to learn to stay calm. Stay. Calm. Things can get done anyway. Just let them flow (into completion). People can be absurd at times, or not behave as expected, but stay calm anyway. The best way to respect your process is respecting theirs. Seek the agreement. And all those buddhist things. But really, I need to chill. These 3 first months were about learning. Now I can begin to learn how do things in a merry, polite way. Of course it's hard. It may seem pointless at times. But it's important. For me and for others. Makes all the difference.
  5. After a workshop week in Rome with international mates doing similar projects as mine in which we could exchange ideas and experiences, I've begun to stand little by little for what I believe is the best course of action instead of saying "Well, whatever". It feels great to think you're taking care of things and that you care. Not so much seeing the disappointment in the faces of others when they disagree with you and that's it, there's nothing much to do about it. But that's life, right? It doesn't feel well, but I have to go through it. Otherwise I'll live full of insecurity and regret. Who am I trying to fool? When I truly care about something and there's not a specific authority to either follow or decide to reject, when I have the window to choose, I sometimes have a clear idea of what I want and how, and when that happens I can be really obstinate about it. I just need to make sure I always try to be the gentlest as possible when elaborating it, but then, if that's how I think no one's at fault for that. Let that be my first lesson for my professional life. Always cool but clear. Nothing wrong in having convictions. And I'm the kind of person who can have convictions about how rocks should fall one on top of the other. Actually, why have I been ignoring it so much and so hard? The fear of conflict was really strong. I didn't want to be considered an asshole. But I've known people who I would call assholes that simply have a very clear idea of what they want and don't want and oh boy, they don't give a single damn if they feel they need to make it understood in the most expressive way possible. So again, it's about my mindset. I don't want to upset people. I sometimes disagree with people I truly love or respect. But if I don't say it, if I don't stand for myself, I will live feeling it's their fault. I need to accept this truth about myself: "Thank goodness, what I want is most of the time aligned with the greater good, because I have both an altruistic and selfish desire to help others (doing good for the sake of good and then ideally be recognized for it). It's perfectly convenient". And so, there's no need to ever feel bad to express what I believe. It wouldn't be bad or evil even if I just desired to do whatever the fuck I wanted and be left alone. Every life, as long as doesn't harm others, is legit to be lived in the way it's lived. So my way is no more and less as any other. So now I must go there and say it. "I don't feel this is right. I feel this is the proper way. This is bullshit. This I like it and that's it, period". Come on, me. I can do it.
  6. I've been having a tough time lately and escaping more into mindless browsing, so the day has finally arrived. I've started to put boundaries to my devices usage. It worries me it will impact my commitment with all the stuff I want to do, but I know it's an excuse. By the rule of 80/20, I could work 4 hours a day divided in periods of 2 and 2 and still be a lot of time in the computer (and get most of the shit done). I know I can. I just need to put my heart into it. Today I cooked and it didn't go as expected. I took the responsibility of feeding 10 people way too personally and got really pissed. I'm still not used to handle these sudden bursts of anger and frustration, but somehow I'm glad they happen. It means I care.
  7. Hitaru

    Game Quitters en Español

    Artículo: ¿Estigmatizan las noticias sobre adicción a los jugadores de videojuegos?
  8. Saturday + Sunday extra notes: Two tasks in mind: 1. Record myself. There's been (a lot of) times when I had some insightful reflection but wasn't able to write it, or forgot everything while trying to squeeze it into words. I need to throw away prejudices against listening to my own voice and settle for practicality. Focus on what works. 2. Review the whole journal. It will be an horrendously long and tiresome task, but I can't help to think about how I have started to repeat myself. I need to make a summary every single goal I wrote anytime, make a list and start doing. And delete everything bad I've ever said about my mother. Even if I thought/felt it in the past and regardless if I had good reason or not (spoiler: mostly not) I don't want others to ever call on me for this. Everyone loses their temper with their loved ones sometimes, why mine have to be public? Makes me look a way worse person that I actually am, in all honesty. AND it would hurt her to read it and there's absolutely no need.
  9. (Friday?) entry: Having a clearer idea (and emotion) about what I want to do made everything easier, but there's still a lot to improve from within. Usual problem (time management), but better attitude to face it. I'm reaching a point in which I can see when others are having a tough time for the same reasons as me, and this has allowed me to "demystify" other people. Here's my reasoning: Since I can't see the inner turmoil of others, what I see appears to me as the optimal version of their current selves. Everything they say and do makes sense as a whole somehow, because I can't fathom what it 'could be' or better, what 'it could have been' (what they think and feel) from their perspective, but only observe, assume and react to what it 'is' (what happens in the end). But do I feel I'm at my optimal current self in the same way I feel it for others? Certainly not. That's the root of insecurity. I'm biased to feel I'm doing worse than everyone else in any and every case, since I'm pretty much aware in my head of what 'it could be' (or what I'd like it to be) and I act as if others could see it as well. After listening more to others and working on myself I'm starting to get past this. I still have my moments tho.
  10. I'm back, just in time for the official publication of the WHO with gaming disorder in it! I feel full of energy and ready to make some real noise about this stuff. It's our time, folks! Been writing for two days straight and the amount of work is really frightening, but I'm trying to focus on small bits; so far it's working and got everything covered. Travel was unspeakably blissful. No nonsense. My relationship is about to enter a longer distance than before and that may or may not be a game-breaker. But the rest is simply perfect. Everything has been talked, confidence in each other and our mutual feelings is unbreakable, and we've reached a misterious state in which I feel as if he was there all my life, and would remain in it no matter what or when: a deeply comforting feeling of absolute rapport. If we break up because of this distance, for sure it would hurt, a lot. But I'm confident about the future, and most of all, I feel at peace in any and every case. If only everything else felt that easy and natural. This way of talking about it seems to me a bit broken, but I'm still shy about being open and "simple-worded" with my feelings. Sorry about that. Again I've entered in a phase of not participating that much in the forums, seems to be cyclical. I'll try to get over it soon and take it back into my usual activities. It's really meaningful for me.
  11. Hitaru

    Game Quitters en Español

    ¡El proyecto de Game Quitters en Español está activo de nuevo! IMPORTANTE: Hilo de Twitter en el que se elabora la nueva definición de la OMS del trastorno por videojuegos. Oficial desde este lunes, se empezará a aplicar a partir de 2022.
  12. Lots of small victories and day-to-day happenings that I haven't been able to put together in a whole, comprehensive piece of text. The good: I'm learning, learning, learning, lots of useful shit like I wouldn't believe, exactly what I wanted even if I'm sometimes sorely lacking some empathy from the people expected to provide it, the organizers. (thankfully the relation with the mates is perfect). The better: Tomorrow Today I'm taking a week and half break to travel around Italy with my boyfriend. The bad: Time management is becoming a never-ending nightmare. The more I do, the more I want to do, the less I feel finished in the end. It just can't be. The worse: Existentialism still running wild, causing great amounts of stress (and distress). Tonight and today I'm sick partly because of it. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. Feeling a bit better, thankfully.
  13. Hitaru

    Pretty close to a relapse... any tips?

    Hi, About missing other games you can check this and this. About gaming streams: this video. As a personal note, I've also been feeling nostalgia now and then, even after two years without playing my childhood games. I used to play grand strategy and now I'm in Italy so imagine, historical feels all over the place. But they pass. In my experience, seeing it as a white or black thing makes it worse. It's not that you "can't play": You can. But you know what will happen then, and you make a conscious, real decision of preferring to experience the things you're able to do in your life when you're not playing. In my case going back to play out of nostalgia would be great, sure, but then I would get stuck in a room for a lot of days playing all day, while I can get out and not simply imagine the places through a map or screen, but actually step on them, be a minimal part of the real life history. And I have a daily chance to make the decision of which one is more important for me. On bad days it's harder, obviously it's no big deal to enjoy what you like when you don't have urgent responsibilities, anxieties or no one was rude with you. But that's life, choices. You can play, but what's in for you? And what do you lose if you play?
  14. Hi man. I looked for some videos in our channel that could help you out: - What if you find other activities boring? - 3 Types of Activities You Need to Replace Gaming Games allow you to have fun and give you the sensation of relaxation, even when they're not relaxing at all (you can notice how after a long gaming session you are all tensed up and even with negative emotions, for instance if you got angry at someone). So in reality they are stimulating your brain so much that the other things you remember you have to do look small by comparison as long as you keep playing. This is not the same as relax and turn your brain off, it's a "relaxation fallacy". You may want then to find an activity that is physically active, or that stimulates you but not in an intellectually rigorous way (something that is a challenge and requires your focus but not your full rational capacity). Then depends on your interests and preferences.
  15. THINGS: - This morning someone was pretty rude with me in a very hypocritical way. Previously I would have been really angry and victimised. In this case I was so sure of myself even arguing with them would have been stepping low. I simply shrugged it off with half-contained contempt. I could almost breath in the arrogant superiority I was exuding. It's not the ideal, but at least is the current best alternative to be a little frightened man-child. I could say I'm reaching my 'natural' state of self-steem (first years of life self-esteem, the way I and my family remember it). Then I'll have to polish my repressed tendency in the right direction, not to avoid conflict as I've been so far but to benefit from the absence (or calculated presence) of it, if that makes sense. In my own terms. - Existentialism and death anxiety are hitting me pretty hard lately. Yesterday I was feeling depressed as I haven't been in a really long time, and pulled off for the first time the most-clichéd-old-man-antic-ever: Listen music while drinking some wine alone, late in the night. It was surprisingly therapeutic, despite the feeling of somehow being making some inner joke to myself and how getting older and more physically similar to my father is turning the idea of drinking alcohol increasingly unpleasant. I may just have to accept it and embrace my future alcoholism enjoy being destined to be a clichéd old man. - I finished my first translating job AND got paid for it! I almost died in the process but learnt some very, very useful skills and tricks, both about the trade and soft skills. IF I can learn to manage myself and my time like a real adult, I will be able to get things done. Real things. In the real world. Sounds obvious right? But I was a video game addict and 'worthless' shut-in not even one thousand days ago. By the way, today is day 665 without games Steam. Don't cheat, there was a relapse. But given how things have changed, it now looks like it was a whole life ago. It now looks that it's not even about crossing out days in a calendar. I could go and play games as well as I could go to sleep or watch series or porn or simply laze around in order to not face life. Games are just an aspect of it, but how many people is actually doing this? How, in doing something I believed was putting me 'on par' with the rest like getting out, have friends, study, work, could I completely miss the point that the mindset I'm making the effort to develop along with the habits is extra-ordinary? I AM living my life to an aceptable level of fullest-ness right now, all considered. Who actually does that? I'm so used to roam this (overwhelmingly online rather than physical) atmosphere of people who are challenging themselves that in my usual self-deprecation it even began to look familiar and unimpressive. This is not either normal nor the standard. Not even taking into account that the statistical standard is being a chinese or indian slave. Working is the standard, but what is it like: the job (dis)satisfaction, the ditched ambitions, talents and goals? Being in a relationship for the inertia of it is still the standard, even more so being divorced. Being mortgaged is the 'civilised' standard. Feeling angry, defeated and bitter is the standard. It's a psychological barrier. No one had paid me for anything before. I will remember this sensation. The previous desolation of feeling useless. How fast the realization of being just a normal being with individual skills, marketable skills (as every other) settled. How despite being fed up with the whole process (on an internal level, the client was blissfully friendly), I can't help to look at the future with an endless, childish and I guess passionate ambition. They say you begin your life full of dreams and learn to settle with time. That this -mid-twenties, ideally after college or first work or any other adult world experiences- should be the first stop in the journey, the first reassessment of 'maturity'. How strange, unironically, that I'm finding myself with not greater dreams, but greater conviction that they can be done. People say so many things. Or maybe I am "extraordinary" in the sense of being pathologically unable to settle for the standard I was shown. Stubborn like that.
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