Hitaru

Happy 9 Years to this journal! I've been doing a screen detox since the past few days and it's been really shitty, withdrawal hitting like a ton of bricks, laying in bed most of the day... But I had to take some time to post a quick update, it's valuable to me even after so much time. Also I feel much better overall with barely no screens, which compounds with some medication and diet changes I'm also implementing. Currently going vegan and it's going well so far; I'm informed about supplements and alternative foods to get the most efficient nutrient intake and I'm a bit of a nerd about it. If nothing else, I'm going to the bathroom smoothly lately, so hey. The key factor in these detoxes, unlike the previous ones, is having my current boyfriend as an accountability partner. Realizing that at this point I would still relapse if I'm not constantly sup... guided, using kinder words, and limited in my access to technology is a kick in the nose for my ego. I should be able to be self-reliant and confident about my self-control, right? Well, no. Experience shows that's wishful thinking at best and negligence that opens the door to relapse at worst. I hate it. I hate to depend on others to function. But it keeps me going so, there's hoping that I'll learn to hate it less with time.

Only two resets since March, been mostly clean this year. I'm nowhere near not feeling cravings or passing without supervision, who knows if I'll ever will, but things have been progressing. I'm now in the process of finding a job, ideally related to writing (fiction or not, I'm not picky,) and applying for disability programs. I'm also involved in activism again, albeit very limited, and keeping my bonds with my friends. A nice routine, even if anxiety and self-doubt hit from time to time. I've also been experimenting with my appeareance a bit and started hanging out in creators communities, two things I was struggling a lot to either start or keep going. "Sobriety is boring", yeah, at times. There's a lot of discomfort and laundry involved. But I also feel like a fucking adult, my own person. Games won't ever do that for me. The only real way to escape is either accept the shitty thing or working to try to fix it. That's how it is and at the end of the day, I wouldn't change it for the world (the video-game world, in this case.)

A whole year. Holy... I'll be turning 30 in a few months. Next year (and half, since it was in December, so not quite a year yet) it will be 10 (Ten Years!) since I found this forum and took the road to a real life. I kinda feel dizzy just thinking about it. Recovery... is relative. For some addicts it works like grief: you live with it, comes and goes, good times and bad times. That's how it works for me, for sure. But it's never the same. Somehow, in its own particular way, it keeps getting better. It truly does. Ok, so, updates. Last year was rough and now it's only a blur in my memory. Proper care for my mental health stuff didn't arrive until recently and the process was traumatic. That should be awful news, but this year's been strong so far. ADHD meds! Document changes! Community! I pulled some work doing networking with people from my hometown and among other nice pals I met a fellow AuDHDer with a mostly identical story to mine: high-school dropout, lots of unfinished projects, next to zero social skills, absolutely lost in life. No video games in their case, which is peculiar, but that makes things easier. Of course, we clicked immediately. We've been accountability partners for a couple months now and our gears are turning. Don't want to jinx what I'm currently doing but what I *can* report is that my eating disorder is going much much better. I even enjoy cooking now! They're doing amazing as well, with a brand new prescription for their own neurodivergence and several projects and hobbies routinely cared for. They're also ridiculously good in bed, a fact that needs to be noted for posterity. Mira Bellwether, wherever you are I hope you're proud of me. Better health and weight helped with my hormone regime, which helped my self-esteem, which helped being able to keep on top of a regular self-care routine (sans meditation, yet), which... You get the idea. Things are going well. I'll enjoy it as it is now, no looking forward or backwards. It's hard not getting sentimental and melancholic, especially being me, but... how can I express it? Nothing has changed. At the end of the day, I'm still me, my fears, my life, my death, my brain for the better or worse. Everything has changed. My body. My name. My heart, cheesy as it sounds. I'm nothing like the person of my first post. Or am I? Looks I'm in for a good old sleepless night. This time, however, there's no regret, only wonder. Mom retired from work a month ago. Dad had his first scare with cancer, thankfully easy to handle (this time?). What's to come? We move forward friends. Always forward. Always forward.

Same story here! Grand Strategy single player, same two or three games compulsively. I don't have an official diagnosis yet (ADHD gatekeeping is nuts) but I'm starting with some light meds, been a life-changer so far. Now I barely come here (and supposedly I'm a mod, eeep) but I just had to tell you, you're not alone in this!

165 days. Cravings got so bad that I allowed myself to do something I had not done before: watch a live stream of someone playing my favorite game and help her through chat. It was fun and my head gets tired after a few hours unlike when I play alone. In my personal experience with addiction, my games were *my* thing, my solitary coping mechanism. So this was a refreshing experience, feeling something else rather than guilt and shame. But I also feel sad now, and I think it's a good thing to experience this sadness fully. I wish I was able to play games as most people. No, actually, I wish more that I was able to do streams about topics unrelated to games, make friends and connections through them since my hometown is a bit isolated, but I can't do that either because the temptation of having a laptop or any other system at home would be too much. I regret having less impulse control than the average person, rather than just not being able to game in particular. I was born with that issue and it does not define me as a human being. But it sucks. I gotta take a deep breath, and tell myself that it's ok that it sucks. I have to deal with this in my life, other people have other stuff. It's ok. I think most of my current emotional struggle comes from thinking about responsibilities as something I'm meant to have, rather than means to an end. I don't *have* to work. I can choose to die instead. But that's a very pessimistic perspective. I should choose to work, so my salary pays for the things I wanna do with my time on Earth. I should choose to live, unironically speaking, since it's the only thing I can choose between dying and being born.

161 days and feeling withdrawal. Cool. Guess it's my brain complaining about adulthood capitalism being a permanent state.

155 days of no games and counting, my friends. I'm allowing myself to trust that I'm experiencing burnout, from dragging the mental weight of all the projects I cut short and my failed relationships of any kind. I'm trying to forgive myself for my past and I think it's going well, I'm more worried about having to set new boundaries in the present. I don't know what I'll be able to do for a living. I don't know if I'll be able to keep long-term friends and lovers. But that's in the future, right now I have a lot of health issues that are priority. I found out that if I have *something* that is bothering me now, I can't focus on anything else. Normally I would felt guilty, because the "normal" thing is to be able to, say, enjoy a date with your girlfriend while worrying about a medical appointment. You can go to the date, have a good time, make the appointment the next day. I can't. It's weird but I just can't. Do that fifty times and your girlfriend may say "Listen, you're lovely but also a logistical nightmare." So if that's what needs to happen... Well, it sucks but there's no other way. That's why I'm saying I'm trusting myself. I truly, honest to god have tried a lot of different approaches, I've done lots of therapy, etc. etc. If this is the way it works then it is how it is. That's the issue with the boundaries. I'm going to have to be clear about what works for me and what doesn't. And a lot of people is going to question me and think it extravagant and uncompromising. But I have literally tried everything else already. At some point in my life I have to start believing that I know more about myself than whatever random opinion that comes in my way.

It took me yet another mental breakdown after quitting yet another trade learning (indeterminate hiatus at least) BUT starting yesterday I have an official ADHD diagnosis, severe degree, and I'm on the road to be declared partially disabled. Which, considering my life trajectory, it totally makes sense despite the heavy 'weight' of the word. Meds prescription coming up soon, fingers crossed. I am happy in a weird way. I'm feeling grief and anger, but it doesn't feel like my usual self-victimization/internal drama. I feel cheated by a system that failed to notice my struggles despite the many hours an euros (couple thousands at least) I invested to find them out. Two decades. No one noticed my gaming addiction, my transness, my ADHD. Can't help but be pissed off and I will be for a while. It's a healthy thing to learn to tell apart where did your fuck-ups end and others' fuck-ups begin. But aside from that, now I have an excelent framework to change a lot of stuff. Do things my own way. Forgive myself for a lot, an industrial amount, of past shit. That is amazing. It's a bigger thing than the gender thing, because it has made me suffer much more. So a massive cleanup is coming. How could I not be happy, even if it's scary and it's gonna take a lot of work? It's not a life reset, but it definitely feels like a bugfix.

Day 4 of limiting internet use. Got my ears pierced today! I've been postponing it because I wanted to be sure it was a changed that I wanted without any external agenda ("looking more like what "a girl" should look like"). I feel great, but everyone around me insisted that it would barely hurt and I think it did quite a bit. I can't picture myself with any more than these two because of this apparently nonexistent pain tolerance, but who knows. Limiting internet has been even harder than video games, since I can't put a strong barrier. Even worse, with the last screens gone now I truly have my head clean and ripe for intrusive thoughts and anxiety to settle. But I've been taking care of myself like never before and feeling much healthier since I started. I know I am in the right path.

Day one of fully sticking to an internet use time limit. Man, I am suffering.

It does matter. Living life trying to compete with some ghost in your head, "what I am supposed to be achieving" is dreadful and I had to learn that the hard way: Mileage may vary as kids these days would say, but personally I'd rather deal with ignorance in my daily life rather than bigotry. Bigotry is some sort of pseudo-educated ignorance turned into ideology. And university circles are full of it. Once you are indoctrinated it's very hard to step back, while ignorance can still be reasoned with. There are some fine folks in academia and people to look up to, but ultimately that world was not for me.

During the last days of August I settled a long and complex situation with my friend/past lover/current... person I care about, and since it was one of the standing issues of the last two years it gave me a lot of peace of mind. After that I began my trade training. It's nice, but class is all men and not particularly in touch with current feminism and LGBT issues. Also they're early twenties and damn it shows. And yet, I feel oddly comfortable there. They may subconsciously think I'm some kinda crossdresser or another brand of fag, BUT they don't say it to my face nor they "politely" try to "argue" that I'm a danger to women and society and therefore I should kindly die. The vibe is like I'm the 2000s high school dyke, playing football, throwing jabs and bro talk with the lads. Not the worst that could have happened for sure. I had several rounds of quitting and relapsing until I gave up my laptop to my girlfriend for custody (previous countermeasures expired, had to restart it to factory settings). That was last November. This month I've been focusing on goal setting and I've also put timers/"digital wellbeing measures" in my phone and tablet. They come with the system, really nice; I feel our efforts spreading awareness in Game Quitters made a tangible part in mainstream industry starting to care about the issue, even if it's just token measures. They still work for me because I have someone for accountability. As someone on the Internet marvelously expressed: So that's what I'm trying to do, keep up with my meals for love, both to someone else and little by little, self-love too. And... It's tough. Dying is easy, everyone who does it instantly becomes good at it (?) Having a healthy life is the real shit. Progress is coming very slow. Infuriatingly slow at times. But that's just me being harsh on myself. By January I would have quit school, yet here I am, keeping in touch and slowly learning even if still a stubborn absent. I've started going to the gym. A couple times so far but I enjoy it a lot and I'm constantly thinking of going again. I even said fuck gender expectations and shamelessly used the male dressing rooms without feeling I was betraying myself. I did it by choice because my current looks are more androgynous and I feel more at ease there rather than surrounded by fit, cisnormative femininity. And the masculine eye candy is nothing to complain about either. The bones in my hips don't stick out anymore, even if 3 meals a day is still a challenge. Got myself a book of recipes to treat my vegetarian girlfriend and a bunch of lovely queers in my life. I write less now, but I still do it semi-regularly. Made a couple trips to stores to make improvements to my room. Rescued a digital camera (a Nikon, I think they don't make those anymore) and I've been learning the basics of photography. I'm not doing the big travels or flashy breakthroughs I used to, but this is what I wanted for so long and it's doing good to me. I knew I was damaged, but I wasn't aware. I lived as if it wasn't fully true or it was my fault somehow. I now know for a fact that I have ADHD and trauma, including Parent Issues (more Tumblr points woo, I even dyed my hair blue once) and some daily routines that may seem basic are really hard for me. Gotta play with my cards. And nah, I Do Am like other girls since I've met a few with the same problem and I'm learning a lot from them, strategies and backup plans and such. Yes, I'm still a quasi-NEET. But, and I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, I finally have reason to believe I am a decent amount of mature. I don't dread "the day I would find my mom dead in the living room couch" anymore, as I wrote at the start of my journal. Aside from finding myself in a bit of economic hot water. But the person I am now, for all my struggles and fears and sometimes regret... Yeah, I think this person can thrive. At my own pace. Perhaps traversing a road I had not considered until very recently. Edit: My current quitting streak, even if I'm aiming for long term would be 61 days atm.

In an unfortunate but also honestly convenient turn of events, my mom accidentally broke her computer the same night I arrived. So it's been half a month without games and hey, pretty neat. I promised a significant other to avoid games at least until I begin my new studies, so this must be some kind of cosmic encouragement (it's not*, but sure I can draw subjective meaning and storytelling from it)

10 days and I've started writing again. Neat!

A whole week w/o games passed in a breeze. It does get easier. I could play when I arrive home. Do I *really* want, tho?