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Read: A Guide to Quit Gaming for One Year

Hitaru

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About Hitaru

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    The Spaniard Dude
  • Birthday 09/09/1994

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  1. It's happening. Every time I do something to the point I'm satisfied with it, I do it at the expense of becoming very ill-tempered, complaining and bossying everyone around me. I've been saying for 3 years (at least here) this was a family trait I didn't want to develop, so kudos to me for actually knowing myself. Now as a reminder for myself: I need to learn to stay calm. Stay. Calm. Things can get done anyway. Just let them flow (into completion). People can be absurd at times, or not behave as expected, but stay calm anyway. The best way to respect your process is respecting theirs. Seek the agreement. And all those buddhist things. But really, I need to chill. These 3 first months were about learning. Now I can begin to learn how do things in a merry, polite way. Of course it's hard. It may seem pointless at times. But it's important. For me and for others. Makes all the difference.
  2. After a workshop week in Rome with international mates doing similar projects as mine in which we could exchange ideas and experiences, I've begun to stand little by little for what I believe is the best course of action instead of saying "Well, whatever". It feels great to think you're taking care of things and that you care. Not so much seeing the disappointment in the faces of others when they disagree with you and that's it, there's nothing much to do about it. But that's life, right? It doesn't feel well, but I have to go through it. Otherwise I'll live full of insecurity and regret. Who am I trying to fool? When I truly care about something and there's not a specific authority to either follow or decide to reject, when I have the window to choose, I sometimes have a clear idea of what I want and how, and when that happens I can be really obstinate about it. I just need to make sure I always try to be the gentlest as possible when elaborating it, but then, if that's how I think no one's at fault for that. Let that be my first lesson for my professional life. Always cool but clear. Nothing wrong in having convictions. And I'm the kind of person who can have convictions about how rocks should fall one on top of the other. Actually, why have I been ignoring it so much and so hard? The fear of conflict was really strong. I didn't want to be considered an asshole. But I've known people who I would call assholes that simply have a very clear idea of what they want and don't want and oh boy, they don't give a single damn if they feel they need to make it understood in the most expressive way possible. So again, it's about my mindset. I don't want to upset people. I sometimes disagree with people I truly love or respect. But if I don't say it, if I don't stand for myself, I will live feeling it's their fault. I need to accept this truth about myself: "Thank goodness, what I want is most of the time aligned with the greater good, because I have both an altruistic and selfish desire to help others (doing good for the sake of good and then ideally be recognized for it). It's perfectly convenient". And so, there's no need to ever feel bad to express what I believe. It wouldn't be bad or evil even if I just desired to do whatever the fuck I wanted and be left alone. Every life, as long as doesn't harm others, is legit to be lived in the way it's lived. So my way is no more and less as any other. So now I must go there and say it. "I don't feel this is right. I feel this is the proper way. This is bullshit. This I like it and that's it, period". Come on, me. I can do it.
  3. I've been having a tough time lately and escaping more into mindless browsing, so the day has finally arrived. I've started to put boundaries to my devices usage. It worries me it will impact my commitment with all the stuff I want to do, but I know it's an excuse. By the rule of 80/20, I could work 4 hours a day divided in periods of 2 and 2 and still be a lot of time in the computer (and get most of the shit done). I know I can. I just need to put my heart into it. Today I cooked and it didn't go as expected. I took the responsibility of feeding 10 people way too personally and got really pissed. I'm still not used to handle these sudden bursts of anger and frustration, but somehow I'm glad they happen. It means I care.
  4. Hitaru

    Game Quitters en Español

    Artículo: ¿Estigmatizan las noticias sobre adicción a los jugadores de videojuegos?
  5. Saturday + Sunday extra notes: Two tasks in mind: 1. Record myself. There's been (a lot of) times when I had some insightful reflection but wasn't able to write it, or forgot everything while trying to squeeze it into words. I need to throw away prejudices against listening to my own voice and settle for practicality. Focus on what works. 2. Review the whole journal. It will be an horrendously long and tiresome task, but I can't help to think about how I have started to repeat myself. I need to make a summary every single goal I wrote anytime, make a list and start doing. And delete everything bad I've ever said about my mother. Even if I thought/felt it in the past and regardless if I had good reason or not (spoiler: mostly not) I don't want others to ever call on me for this. Everyone loses their temper with their loved ones sometimes, why mine have to be public? Makes me look a way worse person that I actually am, in all honesty. AND it would hurt her to read it and there's absolutely no need.
  6. (Friday?) entry: Having a clearer idea (and emotion) about what I want to do made everything easier, but there's still a lot to improve from within. Usual problem (time management), but better attitude to face it. I'm reaching a point in which I can see when others are having a tough time for the same reasons as me, and this has allowed me to "demystify" other people. Here's my reasoning: Since I can't see the inner turmoil of others, what I see appears to me as the optimal version of their current selves. Everything they say and do makes sense as a whole somehow, because I can't fathom what it 'could be' or better, what 'it could have been' (what they think and feel) from their perspective, but only observe, assume and react to what it 'is' (what happens in the end). But do I feel I'm at my optimal current self in the same way I feel it for others? Certainly not. That's the root of insecurity. I'm biased to feel I'm doing worse than everyone else in any and every case, since I'm pretty much aware in my head of what 'it could be' (or what I'd like it to be) and I act as if others could see it as well. After listening more to others and working on myself I'm starting to get past this. I still have my moments tho.
  7. I'm back, just in time for the official publication of the WHO with gaming disorder in it! I feel full of energy and ready to make some real noise about this stuff. It's our time, folks! Been writing for two days straight and the amount of work is really frightening, but I'm trying to focus on small bits; so far it's working and got everything covered. Travel was unspeakably blissful. No nonsense. My relationship is about to enter a longer distance than before and that may or may not be a game-breaker. But the rest is simply perfect. Everything has been talked, confidence in each other and our mutual feelings is unbreakable, and we've reached a misterious state in which I feel as if he was there all my life, and would remain in it no matter what or when: a deeply comforting feeling of absolute rapport. If we break up because of this distance, for sure it would hurt, a lot. But I'm confident about the future, and most of all, I feel at peace in any and every case. If only everything else felt that easy and natural. This way of talking about it seems to me a bit broken, but I'm still shy about being open and "simple-worded" with my feelings. Sorry about that. Again I've entered in a phase of not participating that much in the forums, seems to be cyclical. I'll try to get over it soon and take it back into my usual activities. It's really meaningful for me.
  8. Hitaru

    Game Quitters en Español

    ¡El proyecto de Game Quitters en Español está activo de nuevo! IMPORTANTE: Hilo de Twitter en el que se elabora la nueva definición de la OMS del trastorno por videojuegos. Oficial desde este lunes, se empezará a aplicar a partir de 2022.
  9. Lots of small victories and day-to-day happenings that I haven't been able to put together in a whole, comprehensive piece of text. The good: I'm learning, learning, learning, lots of useful shit like I wouldn't believe, exactly what I wanted even if I'm sometimes sorely lacking some empathy from the people expected to provide it, the organizers. (thankfully the relation with the mates is perfect). The better: Tomorrow Today I'm taking a week and half break to travel around Italy with my boyfriend. The bad: Time management is becoming a never-ending nightmare. The more I do, the more I want to do, the less I feel finished in the end. It just can't be. The worse: Existentialism still running wild, causing great amounts of stress (and distress). Tonight and today I'm sick partly because of it. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. Feeling a bit better, thankfully.
  10. THINGS: - This morning someone was pretty rude with me in a very hypocritical way. Previously I would have been really angry and victimised. In this case I was so sure of myself even arguing with them would have been stepping low. I simply shrugged it off with half-contained contempt. I could almost breath in the arrogant superiority I was exuding. It's not the ideal, but at least is the current best alternative to be a little frightened man-child. I could say I'm reaching my 'natural' state of self-steem (first years of life self-esteem, the way I and my family remember it). Then I'll have to polish my repressed tendency in the right direction, not to avoid conflict as I've been so far but to benefit from the absence (or calculated presence) of it, if that makes sense. In my own terms. - Existentialism and death anxiety are hitting me pretty hard lately. Yesterday I was feeling depressed as I haven't been in a really long time, and pulled off for the first time the most-clichéd-old-man-antic-ever: Listen music while drinking some wine alone, late in the night. It was surprisingly therapeutic, despite the feeling of somehow being making some inner joke to myself and how getting older and more physically similar to my father is turning the idea of drinking alcohol increasingly unpleasant. I may just have to accept it and embrace my future alcoholism enjoy being destined to be a clichéd old man. - I finished my first translating job AND got paid for it! I almost died in the process but learnt some very, very useful skills and tricks, both about the trade and soft skills. IF I can learn to manage myself and my time like a real adult, I will be able to get things done. Real things. In the real world. Sounds obvious right? But I was a video game addict and 'worthless' shut-in not even one thousand days ago. By the way, today is day 665 without games Steam. Don't cheat, there was a relapse. But given how things have changed, it now looks like it was a whole life ago. It now looks that it's not even about crossing out days in a calendar. I could go and play games as well as I could go to sleep or watch series or porn or simply laze around in order to not face life. Games are just an aspect of it, but how many people is actually doing this? How, in doing something I believed was putting me 'on par' with the rest like getting out, have friends, study, work, could I completely miss the point that the mindset I'm making the effort to develop along with the habits is extra-ordinary? I AM living my life to an aceptable level of fullest-ness right now, all considered. Who actually does that? I'm so used to roam this (overwhelmingly online rather than physical) atmosphere of people who are challenging themselves that in my usual self-deprecation it even began to look familiar and unimpressive. This is not either normal nor the standard. Not even taking into account that the statistical standard is being a chinese or indian slave. Working is the standard, but what is it like: the job (dis)satisfaction, the ditched ambitions, talents and goals? Being in a relationship for the inertia of it is still the standard, even more so being divorced. Being mortgaged is the 'civilised' standard. Feeling angry, defeated and bitter is the standard. It's a psychological barrier. No one had paid me for anything before. I will remember this sensation. The previous desolation of feeling useless. How fast the realization of being just a normal being with individual skills, marketable skills (as every other) settled. How despite being fed up with the whole process (on an internal level, the client was blissfully friendly), I can't help to look at the future with an endless, childish and I guess passionate ambition. They say you begin your life full of dreams and learn to settle with time. That this -mid-twenties, ideally after college or first work or any other adult world experiences- should be the first stop in the journey, the first reassessment of 'maturity'. How strange, unironically, that I'm finding myself with not greater dreams, but greater conviction that they can be done. People say so many things. Or maybe I am "extraordinary" in the sense of being pathologically unable to settle for the standard I was shown. Stubborn like that.
  11. Hitaru

    My Journal - Joe

    You almost gave me a heart attack. I miss the guy D:
  12. Panic was mostly dealt with in a most painful way after hard days of working and procrastinating. The effort was fruitful, my first job is almost done! Most of my panic or rather its triggers tend to involve some sort of fear of being missing/neglecting my purpose. I don't know how to express this in a way that doesn't sound embarrasing, but... it's a good thing. I'm finding myself. I can feel it. I have to clear up everything and focus. I did the right thing coming here. Everything much clearer now. Can't wait until it develops enough to grab it and make something, something meaningful out of it. Truly exciting, in its most hopeful meaning. Oh but it's also seasonal so I'll be feeling like shit for a while again in another 2 weeks and half or so. Nevermind. Long-term goal is the important thing.
  13. Panic returned for a while once the initial enthusiasm for my improvement ceased. Last night I collapsed and had to take the entirety of today to rest and work on my own things. I simply couldn't handle anyone. Now I'm feeling much better, even if I'm still busy, so I'm fairly sure I made the right decision. On one hand I'm sorry and worried about the people I might be bothering by this and perhaps future sudden swings. On the other it's my best try to manage it, so if someone doesn't understand, even if it's regrettable and painful I must keep doing things my way, the way that makes me proud and without regrets. I'm always bothered about being considered selfish, but the amount of times I've actually been called one isn't congruent with the 'precaution' I've been taking so far. I must not forget how stuck and scared I was and have been all my life. I was doing no one a favor by avoiding conflict. I try to try my best every single day. So, if from time to time and in a mostly unexpected way I need a break, then I need it and to hell with anyone who gets pissed off, which hasn't happened yet, but to have my own thougths clear on the subject just in case. That said, I'm sure there has to be a more smooth way to handle stress and anxiety, since a cycle of background anxiety until breaking point doesn't feel that much 'natural'. My instinctual response is to 'speak my heart' more. I'm accepted here, I don't need to validate myself, so if I want to be alone, take a walk, read, do whatever thing, I should allow myself to. I have to 'learn to learn' what drives and motivates me, and if that was to be a bit separated from other people, or not that common, or shared, or easy, well, that's the way it's supposed to be. Not my fault being me. The thought needs some time to sink and be properly reflected on, so for now back to the more urgent and less existential stuff.
  14. Hitaru

    Introduction

    Welcome to the forum! First of all you took a big step so far by reflecting all of this the way you did. Can relate to your feelings, specially about girls and feeling you keep existing for no real reason. You're not alone. In fact most of the community can relate to your story in some degree, you'll be noticing this if you stay for a while. You can check the Accountability Partners Section if you wish to contact someone with a similar background and goals than yours. Great to have you!
  15. Hitaru

    Introduction

    ¡Hola! Nice to have you here. Very specific and original goals man, wishing already you can get them done. Great first step, keep going!
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