Hitaru

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Hitaru last won the day on January 12

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About Hitaru

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    The Spaniard Dude
  • Birthday 09/09/94
  1. @info-gatherer You can follow that same rule in Spain actually. Despite not being the average southerner (I don't get recognized as one sometimes by the people itself, though the people from the north easily tell me apart apparently), south feels like home. I was about to write about this the other day and now I got the chance again. South of Europe is what I'd call home. With the poverty, crime, low education, close-mindedness and even being called a northerner, it still is home. Not in the sense of "ideal place for someone to settle", that one you can choose it. For me the term home works like family. You are born in it, and there are many things you don't like or conflict with you. It may even feel imposed on you sometimes. But at the end of the day, family is still family (not necessarily blood-related) and home is still home. You live with it. You may do with the place whatever you want or feel you need to do, take it or leave it, but it's always there, inside you. I would be much more 'comfortable' in a capital, with things to do, places to go and plenty of space in several meanings of the word to express myself, opportunities that I wouldn't have here (south of Spain, of Italy, Greece, etc). And I'm sure I'll be spending some time in cities. But I detest them man, on a spiritual level if that even exists. Here the atmosphere is relaxed, the people is warm, the climate is great, the food is to die for. It has charm, soul. And still works because there is something that passes as government, people still have jobs and routines and do their stuff, we are not in anarchy. So despite not being fully suited for the alternative, I'm still not an 'urban' person I guess. That said, cities in the north of Italy are a must go. I'll also check out your recommendations. I'm interested in Sardinia, not the usual destination, I'll try try to give it a look as well. True as death the transport thing holy shit. Also if we met, I'll probably have a weird mix of campanian-sicilian-spanish Italian accent lol. Just so you are informed.
  2. Off-topic but kinda relevant for myself and my feelings: I feel myself maturing in my political thought, or rather in the mental/emotional background that lies behind the creation of political thought. This is instrumental towards a future communication strategy, so nice. Boring stuff to write about however. I struggle to manage the little bit of free time I have everyday to do productive things. I may have to resign myself to focus in one, instead of trying to push them all together at the same time. Actually isn't that what life is about? Making choices.
  3. Been a while friend! Quite nice so far, with the ocassional background anxiety pushing through but manageable under loads and loads of southern european lifestyle. And also things to do in an acceptably responsible way. A mix of these two things makes my heart happy and fulfilled. Still gotta polish and perfect the system though. The perfect mix of work (in something I like) and fun (in a relaxed, laid back way). The work of a whole life my man.
  4. Don't worry man, bad days can happen any time. Just don't get swept by them. Be like the rock in the middle of the river, not resisting but holding your place enough for problems to look for another way, you know what I mean? Forza!
  5. DAMN. What the actual hell. A whole load of this my man. Nail on head. Just wow. Thanks. Note to myself: Read a lot about behavioral psychology.
  6. @info-gatherer Been sunny as hell here lately. Don't hesitate to spam me with suggestions to visit all over Italy if you feel like it or you remember. I'm making my custom map in Google Maps. Gamifying traveling as some sort of "open world unlocking places and taking pictures discovery adventure" makes it strangely nice. Like a scavenger hunt. Of places. Hm. Of course I'll try to also enjoy the feelings, of the experience of traveling, of nature... Not just, you know, checking places out of a map as if it was some sort of Pokémon Go (which I never played but always saw a bit silly). True about focusing on myself. It's probably one of the best lessons I can learn here. The reasons why people focus mostly on themselves are several I think. Many people simply feel too overwhelmed with managing themselves to start noticing others. Or is that only me @Cam Adair Absolutely true bro. Gotta make a clear distinction between returning 'home' (my country, my social customs, what I could do to improve the life of others) and 'my mother's place' (stagnation, bad feelings, being a child). If I return, it needs to be somewhere else. That's going to be pretty fucked up because I don't think there will be a real chance to improve my financial standing while I'm here to the extent of being able to live somewhere else by myself (even with flatmates and whatnot). But now is not the time to think about that. @Natasha @Dannigan @WorkInProgress Thanks for your encouraging words folks. They help.
  7. Great job Mattia! Can relate a lot with the majority of the improvements you mentioned, in habits and feelings. You mostly mod yourselves lol. Which is one of the things I like the most about this community, even before I was a mod. You would believe that putting together a bunch of people with problems and a whole life behind them of being defensive about what they do, think, feel or like would create a lot of toxicity, but here we are. Simply amazing, honestly saying. About saving your journal, here's what I got: Copy and paste the whole thing into a word doc, edit and save as PDF, conserving the word in case you need to edit again sometime. Painfully boring to perform, my condolences. But better than nothing! Thanks for your kind words man, and specially thanks for sticking around enough to see real progress in your life. Looking forward to your next victories!
  8. Life at the hostel in Italy has stabilized. I managed all the phases that I already know, the phase of the initial hype, the phase of initial conflicts of character with the people, the phase of initial reluctance, the panic attacks (which never happened before in public), having an impossible crush on some local, the boredom and cravings to leave, I even had video game cravings while I was here. And it's been only two weeks. I did waste a bit of time here and there, like water spilling from my hands, as I told you. But lately my mind has been more awake (not that much, but it's improving) and I've been working on several long-due projects. Perhaps at the expense of some socializing, but the people here didn't seem to notice or made comment on it: since they assume and accept that I'm working, and for my own security I do it "in front" of them, then I must be working. If I wasn't someone would have made a joke already, and it hasn't happened. Therefore, I'm working! Whoa. My heart is divided. I have the impression that I have so, so much to do at home. Even related with what I'm doing here, I could do it at home, for the good of my life-long known neighbors and my own. I should be "advancing my career" (whatever that means because I have some pretty long-term goals that require of preparation, titles and lots of hard work) instead of doing... whatever I'm doing here. Which is nice. And useful. And helps me grow. But it's not "the thing". On the other hand, I know I'm still neither ready or acceptably not-ready to pursue wholeheartedly "the thing". I'm restless, but at the same time I have a slowly growing confidence that maybe at the end of the 6 months this feeling will grow and mature, and I'll be completely focused to start, ready or not. Acceptably not-ready. If I returned now, I know for sure I would go back to the same old ways. It angers me, but I enjoy the truth. Probably a travel on the weekend will ease my heart, so to speak. I still have not dared to try a trip on my own (for the adventure of it, it has nothing to do with displeasure with my mates here) and perhaps the moment has arrived. Destinations thousands, so I know I'm just making excuses (can't drive, will visit that with mates later, may visit that with boyfriend if he comes, not sure how to reach that, etc.). No no, screw that. Can't promise this weekend will be the weekend, but I'll try my best.
  9. Welcome to the forum @pszenic! Powerful words when you mentioned your family. If you feel regret, no matter if in the moment you're doing it it feels satisfying, that's the moment you should stop for real. Interesting what you said about stopping when you got a certain skill. Perhaps you were motivated by the challenge of taking up a new thing each time? You should think about the reasons and rewards that lead you to play and use this knowledge to help you find new activities during your detox. You'll find a supportive community here. (And polish people. So many you guys are practically a meme in this place. Not that I complain, Poland is awesome.)
  10. ~I think I fucked up~ Being in a mindset of trying to improve, I found myself begging for forgiveness, attention and chances to be useful, all the time. If I noticed, people around me must have noticed tenfold. I just can't find the way to assert myself, be integrated and at peace at the same time. It looks so easy for the rest of the world. I know deep down everyone is almost barely holding themselves together, for some of the people who are currently sharing their lives with me in this place I even have solid evidence as they simply told me, but it's still not helping my frustration. I'm just making the same old mistakes all over, but older. Only that now I can't give up, at least not without making a real mess. Speaking of older, the first pictures that people and myself took of the project came in. And... I see myself disgusting. My posture is fucked up (in a very "beta" way even, using Internet jargon). The short hair also reminds me of my younger, middle school self. There is something about me that still screams "Cringy teenager" and considering my life stopped in a way when I was 16 (or perhaps less) , I can't really complain about it. It's like I was frozen (frozen while a teenager, the worst age possible) to be woke up only to be thrown into these situations with no warning or instruction. I get it now. I get why people are afraid to stop gaming and face this. I get my own fear as well. Today I coincidentally thought about it. I'm preparing a presentation for 17 year olds. My goodness. It truly feels like yesterday. For these people I'm old, seasoned. That's at least what I thought of 23 year olds back then. While from my perspective I surely am way more immature than many of them in many ways. My roommate entered while I was writing this, full of good vibes and humor as always. If by any chance he didn't like me, he would be doing a damn good job at hiding it. People have nothing but good words and smiles for him. I was about to say I should observe him, but I also should stop saying should forever. I'll just do it. And learn. Which is not the same thing as copy.
  11. I'll be sure to visit and post the obligatory picture! The weekend was a bit lazy, but in the end we visited some stuff. The weather was meh, my health was meh but I guess I learned a good lesson on pushing a bit instead of just doing what I feel like doing in the moment, be it stay at home or rush outside without thinking. Also, to prioritize being outside. Always be outside, take any opportunity. For people like us it's essential, even if it can feel like a real pain in the asshole at times. If you are like me, probably most times. The more it feels bothersome, the more you should do it anyways. Not to become an extrovert chad or some shit. It's just that if I'm any close to the computer, I always end drawn to it, no matter if around me is happening the absolute funniest whatever. So be fucking outside. Even if you have this grumpy aura or don't give a fuck. Be grumpy and full of questions and self-doubt and anxiety outside. Yes, this also goes for me. That said, there's a lot of things I should be doing and thinking about, yet I feel stuck. When I'm working, I'm busy. When I'm at my place and not socializing or feeling like I could explode from the stress of working and socializing, I'm feeling sick or lazying around speaking with friends in Instagram or shitposting political debates in Telegram. The good thing is, I've started to walk the walk and began my collection of assorted documents I find interesting to read as a stepping stone towards that common phenomena called studying, still absent in my life. Now that I've stablished the routine and I feel myself losing the "new thing" push, I'm becoming a bit restless. I'm not sure who to talk this with though. The suitable person is currently nose deep into heavy drama unrelated to this journal, friends are way too far away and my boyfriend, while understanding, would probably throw generic encouragement in my direction, which I appreciate (deeply) but it's not exactly what I feel I need right now. I would probably need a mentoring figure who would give me the slight initial push in the right direction, so I could simply repeat and refine the process until making it part of myself. @Cam Adair is busy elsewhere however, ha. Of course, you're most invited to come sometime, no pleasantry, for real. Now, there's some more stuff I should be thinking about right now, but I have this fog in my head. Got 5 months and a half still to clear myself up.
  12. I find manual labor relaxing and a form of connection with myself, but not so much as for myself than as for others. Or ideally for myself AND others. Perhaps I should find or found some kind of group, cooperative or something back home. I would be in charge of doing a common work with others, and at the end of the day we would stare at our progress and at each other in mutual approvation and satisfaction. Ah, nice. How about a Game Quitters Cooperative Farm and Activity Centre? (?) I had an exhausting and at some times frustrating week and for the first time I look forward to the weekend as any other person in the world. I may go to Rome for the weekend, or to a party at the mountains, or even venture myself alone visiting Naples or nearby places. Possibilities! Being able to enjoy this freedom makes everything else worth. I start to understand some things I guess.
  13. Had an argument - more like a disagreement - with someone today. From what I understood of it, there will be plenty of people which will have a different worldview than you that they'll be proud of. They'll value different things than you, or doing them in a different way. So there will be a point where they'll be no longer interested in hearing your motives, or able to understand them. And this is actually fine because there are things about ourselves that we like to keep no matter how they try to convince us to change. In these cases is where you must stand by your boundaries. If you do something and someone doesn't like it, even if you both have a common goal or good intentions, be open to talk about it and proactive in the effort of reaching an agreement, but stand by yourself beyond the point of negotiation. Don't just concede or say "Sure, whatever" until the situation repeats itself until it explodes. Defend your own thing. If they don't understand, that's just how it is. If they get angry, that's just how it is, don't join their game. Respect yourself by respecting their own way. But if they see you're confident in the way you behave, even if being misunderstood feels bad (I know), at least you'll be sending a message which says that's what they should expect from you. In a way, this is reassuring for them as well. That's the true meaning behind the clichéd expressions "Be yourself" or "Honor your word". Just do your damn thing, no matter what it is, correct it if necessary but truly make it your thing, and follow it. It's sometimes way more useful than trying to explain with words they have no interest to hear in the first place. People like it when you come clean with how you truly are. Hero, villain, saint or jerk, what they truly value is to feel in control of the decision to agree or disagree, to stay or leave. Assuming you embrace being in power of making such decisions about anyone in your life at any time, which you are, it's only fair to let them have their chance with you. No need to be "Too honest, like it or not". That's just being an asshole. I've never been a fan of damage control in my personal life, and the more I lean into this mindset, the lighter the backpack of bullshit I'm carrying.
  14. Hah, I used to play the previous ones with friends and have very good memories of the social experience, so my feelings are mixed. A bad game means less FOMO and more room for criticism at how the big companies are currently managing the industry. But a good game (including measures to prevent or at least help players to avoid playing compulsively) means people just chilling and having a good time, which is a good thing in the end (Yep, even if we in particular can't just chill and have a good time with video games).
  15. Being in Game Quitters and having years of experience in listening, facing problems and motivating people, I've become good at it outside the forums. When I talk, if I do it for enough time, people listen. They get emotional. I get emotional too, though still less than them. Sometimes it's hard to handle, specially compliments, specially when they are spontaneous. But the thing is, I'm somehow, somewhat able to engrave myself in the hearts of people. But I still don't believe in it, in my words, in my feelings, I still haven't embraced myself and what I 'preach', and people notice, I'm completely sure. I haven't embraced being afraid and naked in this world, and it's so disappointing for me sometimes. Perhaps even for them in some way. My inner voice has to grow, someone has just said. Sometimes it feels like screaming and burning yet I keep holding myself back. My voice. Would this people who talk about my voice be really willing to listen, be near it, notice it's many ripples or tides? Would I be willing to be alright with myself if I let it speak and shout and scream? I can do things better but I'm starting to hope in a real, lasting change. Very, very slowly I'm starting to feel the process called learning, or 'growth'. It's nothing but terrifying and uncomfortable, and I can't only truly enjoy it when I look back each time. Writing this just triggered another panic attack, the third in one week -there was a pause in my writing- . But, life continues.