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Hitaru

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About Hitaru

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  • Birthday 09/09/1994

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  1. I'm pinning and featuring this topic for the time being. @BooksandTrees you did an amazing job writing this. Thank you. I've been in this community since almost the beginning and all my recovery process has been about escaping from self-imposed isolation, but this situation is new for me as well. Your reminder is accurate and with great timing. Out there it's just a slightly overpowered flu, not like the end of the world, but we gotta live through this quarantine and that's how things are. This is a great opportunity to support each other and grow, so let's keep it together, everyone!
  2. In a twist of ultimate irony, the Government has decreed to stay home JUST when I was beginning to get used to behave like the rest of humans. Even mom found the joke funny, because honestly, the timing truly was strange. My bf commented this may be a turning point for an entire generation of kids who will remember "that time when we were stuck at home". Well, I'm not so sure I would have noticed a month of quarantine not so long ago... The adults like me (yeah, I'm getting used to use those 2 words together) will surely remember the fascist undertones of the whole thing. The president, standing stiff as a tree trunk (and conveniently zoomed in for dramatic effect), looking right through the TV screen, pronouncing the fated words: "Victory will only be achieved through social discipline"; and then, it was done. It gave me all the V for Vendetta vibes and then some. Will the "Southern Fire" be trans-inclusive this time? Nah don't think so. Never is, for some weird reason.
  3. Spain here ✌️ Alarm state decreed today on all the country, so now it would be a good time to start monitoring. Before that you should check the data by autonomous region, since most of them have the authority on normal days over health issues (cause Spain administration is basically modern feudalism) and their reaction times were different. Differences by province can be explained mostly by transport and infrastructure (e.g. Málaga has the most relevant international airport in all the south and the cases there went up exponentially from early on). All schools are bound to close today so most students will travel back home (they're already doing it) and that'll be a problem. Been feeling lately I was losing control of my own university subjects so I'll get inspiration from you and use these days to reconnect and get back on track with my studies. Let's do our best! Also what you say about difficult times for recovering addicts is very sensible and correct. What could we do as community to handle it...?
  4. This is an appropriate place to bring this kind of stuff in my opinion. We're all here to quit gaming, but in the end there's a reason we began to play in the first place: anxiety, escaping from depression or bullying, unhealthy social relationships... Nothing you spoke about is out of place in this forum. Anyway it's not like we're closing soon coronavirus doesn't reach the internet yet so feel free to visit and explore the threads anytime. Good luck with all your stuff, you can handle it!
  5. @BooksandTrees Well doesn't Sadness and Anger come to our doors dressed in each other's clothes. I heard that sentence mentioned in a theatre play I went to the other day. Kind of stuck with me. As far as I know, people transitioning are either completely stoic because they're carrying issues from the past, and inevitably explode from time to time, or are huge balls of unfiltered emotions. I'm leaning towards the second group, but I'm trying to learn to express myself more efficiently (like, being able to express the little things instead of letting them grow into bigger things). Before I became the Italy of gender (?) I was in a prison. I was already bi and a bit queer so traditional masculinity wasn't expected from me, but old habits die hard, I think the saying goes. It was awful. I even feared I was just escaping from that by "becoming" a woman. That was exclusionary bullshit I internalized, but I still recognize how there's no shame now in expressing cheesy emotions, specially among fellow women. I wish men could do that. They have the potential to listen and support, I experienced it in my past. Now they just have to drop the Victorian act. Either way in this house and journal we don't gender things. We just do things (?). The exercise and meal prepping suggestions are great, I'm getting into the second and when I'm able to handle it I'll go for the first. On Sunday it was Women's Day. In Spain it's a huge event, specially since 2 years ago, so we went to the streets and held a massive march. I was with some guys from a LGBTI assembly who were chanting some... inventive advice to the alt-right party. This year's focus was LBT women and there was added controversy for the recent expulsion of a terf party from the left coalition on the grounds of hate speech. Terfs are mostly entrenched in the bigger cities' academic environment (and the internet), so turns out I'm living in a pretty safe place. That's what the people made me feel at least. I had a blast. Since apparently I was the protagonist, they asked me to help carry one of those big banners that go from side to side of the street. A lot of people were holding transgender flags and smiling and waving to us, showing support. Other feminist groups were chanting about how welcomed we were and must be. I got really emotional. I have a lot of social dysphoria coming from internalized transphobia; which is a fancy way of saying I still subconsciously hate myself because other people hate their own ignorant idea of myself. I'm still excusing myself for existing and trying to keep a low profile in women spaces. It's like I fear someone will suddenly stand up and start screaming nonsense about bathrooms and 8th grade biology and that sort of thing. Instead, yesterday I felt true happiness. It was the first time I could really feel happy and proud of who I am, and shout that I, too, am worthy of respect and not some sort of nihilistic creep. And I can fight too. Not just for my own "selfish" reasons, but for all women, in all our shapes and sizes. And for men as well. I will never forget how I felt when I assumed I was one. We will smash patriarchy and bullshit gender expectations folks. After that we will still be able to burp and wear our checkered flannels; but only if and when we want to (?) (and not like, as a male or lesbian flag. I like both my dresses and my flannels. Some of them at least.)
  6. Well I know a thing or two about living a life I don't feel real (?), so let me reply what you said so far and if you want to write more in detail later I will be happy to read you ^w^ Be honest with yourself. You don't have to be honest with others all the time, you can have your own reasons to be not completely open to other people sometimes (safety, physical or emotional, getting a job you need to survive, things like that). But always be honest with yourself. Admit and try not to judge anything you're feeling. You're feeling it for a reason. Let it guide you and let yourself turn those feelings into thoughts and ideas. Anything you want in this life, is OK to want it. Unless you want to be a mass murderer. Anything that doesn't obviously hurt other people, you can want it. Go do those things, no matter how difficult or weird. You'll probably end up in other things that will lead you to even more things, so the first goal is not even important. You'll change with time. I felt that too. That I would explode and "go outside myself". And it happened some times in the end, but it wasn't like an overnight explosion, more like, certain moments. And a small part of those moments would stay, changing my usual personality little by little. I feared those moments, but when they happened, they were great. Don't worry about that. Let it happen. Also try everything you want to try at least once. That's the thing that has helped me the most since I was 16. Saved my life a couple of times, at least two of those times, it saved me literally. Introvert and extrovert are more like temporary states than actual personalities. You can feel introverted at a party, and it wouldn't be the same as being shy, and it wouldn't mean you won't stop feeling like that forever. You can enjoy being with people and still have deep thoughts, that doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Don't put yourself in a box. Sometimes you'll want company, sometimes you'll want your own space. Both are you. You can be flexible.
  7. I read all of it and you can't fucking stop me. (?) 25 year old here. I stopped studying in high-school at 16 and I could only take it back this year (2019-2020). I'm still scared I'll make any mistake and fuck everything up but at least I understand that feeling of thinking you've wasted a lot of time. I mean I'm at Uni and most of my class was born in freaking 2001, it's still weird if I think about it. Also got bullied mostly in primary school cause I was supposedly smart and I spoke 'weird' like in the books (complicated words and sounded arrogant). Got my share of fights, lost every single one and gave up, then it sorta cooled down over the years, except this guy who was bothering me and a bunch of other people until the end. I'm so sorry for the people you lost and how it made you feel, that's without doubt the toughest part of your story. I hope your mother gets well soon. I used to think mine was nothing but a nuisance but I'd be completely lost without her. Maybe she can't understand you like you wish she would, but sometimes it's not about people understanding, sometimes it's just about them being there. If you have anything you think you should tell her (if you feel you need to apologize to her, or ask for an apology from her for anything that hurt you, or talk about things that happened between you), you should do it right now. Not because she's sick but because you'll feel relieved to not keep it to yourself. Don't tell a bunch of strangers that you feel you behaved wrong with your mom, tell her. The three things are exactly what this forum is about, try again (?) You can turn things around and do something worthy with your life. You're already doing it by educating yourself and thinking about your relationship with gaming and how you used to handle things. It's not a small thing, so you're already driving that road. But you need to get some things clear right now: 1. You have time. Thinking you don't is your brain trying to convince you to stay home gaming. 2. You went through some heavy shit and you were surviving. You're putting yourself in the place where you can start doing interesting things, but you couldn't avoid what happened in the past. You were not wasting time, even if you were gaming. 3. It's not about doing things "right" or what you "must" do with your time. It's about what you think you should be doing with your time. You were using games to cope with a difficult situation you had no control over, it just happened to you. It doesn't matter if you were addicted or not. Now you can make a decision. "Is gaming what I want to do this evening or should I do something else?". And not because you need to earn the medal of "normal, useful person". You have to do it for yourself. 4. You're fucking smart, get over it (?). No, really, you are what you are, and you are, among other things, smart. You don't even have to use that smart. You don't even have to do great things or be first place in anything if you really don't give a damn about competition and just want to chill. But don't lie to yourself, you're capable of doing a lot of things. It's safer to believe you are a failure because if you were talented you would start thinking about "all the things you could have done years ago". Which leads me to... 5. You don't "win" at life. First, literally any teenager that does something relevant either has rich parents and a lot of free time or their parents are monsters who take them to violin competitions with 4 years old instead of letting them be kids. Fight me, you know I'm right. Life is a sandbox and some guys are born with premium accounts. They buy all the stuff to brag and then they'll tell you that's a success story and if you couldn't do that then you're a loser. That's bullshit. You set your own terms. What do you want to do with your life? It could be having an average job and gaming to have fun. You would eventually end the same way than Elon Musk, dead and decomposed. Is that what you really want tho? Maybe deep down you already know. You're strong and I really believe you can do a lot of stuff. Also trusting people can be hurtful and dangerous sometimes, but it's an investment, adult relationships are nothing like school (well, most times) and it's worth it. I'm just some random in the internet so you can tell me to f off. But at least go out there and do some stuff. You really can do it.
  8. Hace tiempo que no se de ti @Jay V, ojalá estés bien!
  9. It now looks like a foreshadowing, because I completely broke down crying for real on Tuesday night (last week was more like, a mild drunken sobbing you know). But, hear me out, it was actually a good thing. I felt so relieved after. I have been holding back crying since my puberty. At first intentionally since I used to cry a lot as a kid, then there was a point were I couldn't do it anymore. I would feel this painful void in my chest and nothing would come out. For years I felt I would eventually burst and literally die. I was reaching my limit. I've noticed, gender roles jokes and stereotypes aside, that I'm more sensitive to pretty much everything lately, and honestly I don't have a logical explanation for it (yet). So I knew it was finally bound to happen sooner than later. I was very late on a deadline for a voluntary assignment about civil administration during the francoist era (I actually liked the topic). I was supposed to study it, make a PowerPoint presentation and give a brief lecture in front of the class. Nothing big despite the dull material and not the first time I spoke in public either. But I had been delaying the PowerPoint thing because I kept procrastinating on my laptop until I decided to leave it at mom's home (last weekend). I don't have any more devices around at my reach aside from the smartphone (and it's a handful, in more ways than one) so even if I'm physically unable to relapse, I'm still heavily handicapped compared to my peers. I have to take notes by hand when the lectures are not adapted to that anymore, and rely on the painfully outdated library services. Worst thing is, I can't just work at home on a whim when I feel like it, I need to actually go out on a certain schedule and be very disciplined and plan ahead, unless I intend to rely forever on my boyfriend's supervision while using his laptop, and he made clear that would not be an option. Then of course I also gotta deal with dysphoria any time I think about going outside (formerly known as "being-outside-gives-me-anxiety-dunno-why-surely-I-must-be-a-loner" feeling). I also have a house and life to maintain so I kept myself busy that afternoon with several things (including making homemade sandwiches for dinner) until I borrowed the aforementioned laptop at around 10pm. At 10.30pm it was clear it wasn't worth it, also considering I was using open source and wasn't sure if it was compatible. Not to mention I haven't used PowerPoint since middle school. So fuck it, I said. I came back to the living room and explained the situation but my bf was insisting that I should keep trying. I felt completely ashamed and guilty even if it wasn't his intention and decided to just leave and go to bed. Then I changed my mind and decided to give him a hug and apologize for... not sure what. I was probably thinking I was worthless for not being able to do everything right. Then it happened. I was at it for 20 minutes straight bawling and short of breath while my bf was hugging me and laughing nervously (it seems I make the same sound while crying than laughing, in hindsight it must be very unsettling). But it felt so good to let things out. He was worried but I was feeling better and couldn't really explain why it happened, so I just calmed down, shaved and took a hot shower and slept great that night. I've been in a bright mood since. Bf has been acting a bit down lately but he assured me it's coincidental. He also said he's been feeling more relaxed, since I'm apparently more focused (I haven't felt that much of a difference but not gonna complain!). Said sorry to the teacher the next day and asked for advice, she told me about student orientation services. They're understaffed but I'll give it a try. I'll also make use of the extra therapeutical support the university is offering me (coming from the LGBT+ section, great guys). I'm in a quite safe environment I think, also thanks to my choice of studies being quite progressive-leaning. It took me a while to arrive here, but I'll do my best to enjoy it to the fullest and make something useful for my life. Things to improve; find and commit to relaxing activities, learning to cook and start exercising.
  10. You're doing great, don't overexert, take care of yourself and get better soon! 🥰
  11. Congrats on those 100 days! Quitting smoking is a challenge. We also had members with gambling problems, you can check for related topics in the main section. Welcome to the forum!
  12. Welcome! We have a parent support group active in Facebook (the link is in the main menu of the site). Here you can browse topics by category, including discussion about mental health, mostly from the perspective of gamers. Hope you can find something useful for you. Best wishes!
  13. Good things happened, including a now hilarious story involving an unrequited crush, a soft punk concert and crying and vomiting in the bathroom while bantering about it via phone. Ah! Girlhood! Delayed adolescence, what an experience. I constantly joke about how the Estrogen pills are making me do weird stuff, but I actually believe I'm using them as the "excuse" (in a good way) to humor myself (if that makes sense) and cope with handling this... finally feeling able to express lots and lots of repressed identity. I'm getting closer towards picking my full name which will probably and semi-unintentionally sound quite princess-y like, even tho my mother surprisingly approves. I might have broken some internal circuit of the universe. My relationship with her is much better now and her own process of discovering and accepting has been amazing, so I'm bound to review dozens of journal pages, editing or putting in context lots and lots of mean things and exaggerated criticism I awkwardly spurted over the years. It feels embarrassing now (awkward and embarrassing are understatements, I don't want to use slurs about the intellectually diverse even if my internet background made me think of those kinds of words for myself) but, in hindsight, I was projecting a lot of shit considering how much we are alike on the deep levels, no matter her actual defects, or mine. I'm sorry mom. I love you. Been feeling very disconnected from my studies lately and the pressure of being a functional wi- erm, having a "harmonious cohabitation" with my SO is really shaking me up. I'm on my second warning now and honestly, I don't know if I can make it, or at least if I can make it in a matter of days, few weeks at most. 6 months ago I was still relapsing, stuck at home and couldn't even go to a store by myself, to name just the first thing that crossed my mind. Many times I feel the only people who'll be fully aware and appreciate my progress is this community, but then again, you don't have to live with me and take my worn clothes out of the living room, hah. I think difficult and stressful times are coming, and somehow I feel I'm on my own to confront them. I can't help but think that I'll fail but that won't stop me from trying. No matter if no one ever notices I did my best.
  14. I'm interested if you guys are! I'd need to purchase a mic (don't know much about the stuff, can you recommend?) but otherwise all good 👍
  15. Este es mi antiguo diario en español, que ahora prosigue aquí. Sí, para mi este giro de guión también fue inesperado. Bueno, en realidad no tanto, sobre todo a medida que hilo con el pasado. Desde el principio hubo pequeños misterios, sensaciones que en aquel momento no tenían nombre y a las que nadie de mi entorno, ni siquiera yo, dábamos demasiada importancia, ellos por ignorancia, yo por autorepresión o porque había cosas más urgentes que atender, como el fracaso escolar o la adicción. Algunas de esas situaciones "solo" eran rarezas, inadaptaciones sociales o peculiaridades de persona nacida con ese odioso y elitista cociente intelectual. Pero para el resto, años después encontré un término que de golpe les dio sentido: disforia de género. Fue emocionante, clarificador y en cierto modo terrorífico. Creo que mi reacción al descubrimiento lo normalizó mucho, porque todo lo demás en mi vida también lo he recibido con esa caótica mezcla de entusiasmo, curiosidad y sobre todo miedo. Soy esa persona que cuando alguien más está nerviosa siempre mantiene la calma, pero cuando nadie mira está gritando por dentro. A veces pienso que quizá sea la persona más valiente que conozco, no por haber superado muchas cosas, sino porque a poca gente que conozca le asustan las cosas más simples como a mí. Superar cada día, un día 'normal', se sigue sintiendo como un reto. La historia en concreto se remonta a... En realidad a la pubertad, pero el proceso real empezó hace un año. 2019 fue el año de las dudas, las preguntas y los descubrimientos. 2020 de momento consiste en aplicar lo aprendido. Está siendo emocionante pero agotador a varios niveles. Todavía tengo dudas y reflexiones conmigo misma que iré publicando de vez en cuando; me llevó más de una semana escribir esta introducción y no se me ocurre cómo sintetizar varios años de proceso en un solo post, además de que han ido ocurriendo cosas recientemente. No todos los días deja una los videojuegos y la testosterona.
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