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About Hitaru

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    The Spaniard Individual

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  1. I kept reading and I'm almost certain I have ADD (not so sure about the H). That would give my experience with gaming addiction a new turn, a revealing but unpleasant one. Why strategy games precisely? Why pausable ones? Predictability. Security. Complex schemes. Making things work in my head and watch them unfold at a pace I can manage, with the ability to stop and re-think at will, unlike real time overstimulation. It makes so much sense that it makes me angry. For not noticing before I guess. For everyone else not noticing before. And not just games. Getting into studies and dropping
  2. My studies are going awful this term and I'm considering returning to my hometown and spend a couple months rotting until I figure out what to do. The good side is, I could get some paperwork done and update my legal status (ID name, bank accounts, etc) and also get serious about getting some meds prescribed to keep my anxiety in check. There's also some medical tests I've been putting off. But I HAVE TO go and do the thing, it would be a real step back to just hide in my room and cope with games and unhealthy sleeping again. I can also do all these tasks in summer as well. I feel so lost
  3. It's been an awful lot of time; every time I tried to come back I wrote some kind of preliminary text and then dropped it. I'm going to try the bullet form since there's a lot that's been going in my life and I was already under the impression I've been neglecting and leaving a lot of stuff uncovered since probably mid 2017, when my posts began to be more (intermittent?). I mean, I have no obligation, but it's always comforting to look back. I also have a small handwritten diary. I write there from time to time: small pieces, usually in some sort of prose, and it helps me getting out of a
  4. Enhorabuena! Me alegra mucho saber de ti y que estás bien. Mucho ánimo con todo, yo tampoco escribo por aquí últimamente pero a veces lo miro, leeré cualquier cosa que compartas. ¡Cuídate mucho!
  5. Never, in my entire life I would have expected someone to asume extroversion to somehow come naturally to me. Shit, video game and gender quitting really takes you places. Jokes aside nah, no offense taken, I think you made a solid point @BooksandTrees. About the finding things, I think I've found them BUT they give me anxiety, because I feel them as something to excel at, instead of, you know, something to have fun with in the midst of the overall pointlessness (in a good way) of life. I want to read, play the piano and violin and perhaps other instruments, do fen
  6. (This is from the 24th but I left it written and forgot to post it) Been on some sort of hiatus since the beginning of the quarantine. Dealing with dysphoria (did I mention I shaved my head right after coming out?), emotional conflict, some fights at home and struggling with online uni courses. There has also been a lot of good times, intimacy moments and good conversations, so in those moments I was also too busy to write. Things got pretty intense for both good and bad during the last weeks, but I'm happy to report I'm surviving. There's an issue that has been nagging me related to
  7. I'm pinning and featuring this topic for the time being. @BooksandTrees you did an amazing job writing this. Thank you. I've been in this community since almost the beginning and all my recovery process has been about escaping from self-imposed isolation, but this situation is new for me as well. Your reminder is accurate and with great timing. Out there it's just a slightly overpowered flu, not like the end of the world, but we gotta live through this quarantine and that's how things are. This is a great opportunity to support each other and grow, so let's keep it together, everyone!
  8. In a twist of ultimate irony, the Government has decreed to stay home JUST when I was beginning to get used to behave like the rest of humans. Even mom found the joke funny, because honestly, the timing truly was strange. My bf commented this may be a turning point for an entire generation of kids who will remember "that time when we were stuck at home". Well, I'm not so sure I would have noticed a month of quarantine not so long ago... The adults like me (yeah, I'm getting used to use those 2 words together) will surely remember the fascist undertones of the whole thing. The president,
  9. Spain here ✌️ Alarm state decreed today on all the country, so now it would be a good time to start monitoring. Before that you should check the data by autonomous region, since most of them have the authority on normal days over health issues (cause Spain administration is basically modern feudalism) and their reaction times were different. Differences by province can be explained mostly by transport and infrastructure (e.g. Málaga has the most relevant international airport in all the south and the cases there went up exponentially from early on). All schools are bound to close today so most
  10. This is an appropriate place to bring this kind of stuff in my opinion. We're all here to quit gaming, but in the end there's a reason we began to play in the first place: anxiety, escaping from depression or bullying, unhealthy social relationships... Nothing you spoke about is out of place in this forum. Anyway it's not like we're closing soon coronavirus doesn't reach the internet yet so feel free to visit and explore the threads anytime. Good luck with all your stuff, you can handle it!
  11. @BooksandTrees Well doesn't Sadness and Anger come to our doors dressed in each other's clothes. I heard that sentence mentioned in a theatre play I went to the other day. Kind of stuck with me. As far as I know, people transitioning are either completely stoic because they're carrying issues from the past, and inevitably explode from time to time, or are huge balls of unfiltered emotions. I'm leaning towards the second group, but I'm trying to learn to express myself more efficiently (like, being able to express the little things instead of letting them grow into bigger things). Before
  12. Well I know a thing or two about living a life I don't feel real (?), so let me reply what you said so far and if you want to write more in detail later I will be happy to read you ^w^ Be honest with yourself. You don't have to be honest with others all the time, you can have your own reasons to be not completely open to other people sometimes (safety, physical or emotional, getting a job you need to survive, things like that). But always be honest with yourself. Admit and try not to judge anything you're feeling. You're feeling it for a reason. Let it guide you and let yourself turn t
  13. I read all of it and you can't fucking stop me. (?) 25 year old here. I stopped studying in high-school at 16 and I could only take it back this year (2019-2020). I'm still scared I'll make any mistake and fuck everything up but at least I understand that feeling of thinking you've wasted a lot of time. I mean I'm at Uni and most of my class was born in freaking 2001, it's still weird if I think about it. Also got bullied mostly in primary school cause I was supposedly smart and I spoke 'weird' like in the books (complicated words and sounded arrogant). Got my share of fights, lost every
  14. Hace tiempo que no se de ti @Jay V, ojalá estés bien!
  15. It now looks like a foreshadowing, because I completely broke down crying for real on Tuesday night (last week was more like, a mild drunken sobbing you know). But, hear me out, it was actually a good thing. I felt so relieved after. I have been holding back crying since my puberty. At first intentionally since I used to cry a lot as a kid, then there was a point were I couldn't do it anymore. I would feel this painful void in my chest and nothing would come out. For years I felt I would eventually burst and literally die. I was reaching my limit. I've noticed, gender roles jokes and ste