Hitaru

Day 4 of limiting internet use. Got my ears pierced today! I've been postponing it because I wanted to be sure it was a changed that I wanted without any external agenda ("looking more like what "a girl" should look like"). I feel great, but everyone around me insisted that it would barely hurt and I think it did quite a bit. I can't picture myself with any more than these two because of this apparently nonexistent pain tolerance, but who knows. Limiting internet has been even harder than video games, since I can't put a strong barrier. Even worse, with the last screens gone now I truly have my head clean and ripe for intrusive thoughts and anxiety to settle. But I've been taking care of myself like never before and feeling much healthier since I started. I know I am in the right path.

Day one of fully sticking to an internet use time limit. Man, I am suffering.

It does matter. Living life trying to compete with some ghost in your head, "what I am supposed to be achieving" is dreadful and I had to learn that the hard way: Mileage may vary as kids these days would say, but personally I'd rather deal with ignorance in my daily life rather than bigotry. Bigotry is some sort of pseudo-educated ignorance turned into ideology. And university circles are full of it. Once you are indoctrinated it's very hard to step back, while ignorance can still be reasoned with. There are some fine folks in academia and people to look up to, but ultimately that world was not for me.

During the last days of August I settled a long and complex situation with my friend/past lover/current... person I care about, and since it was one of the standing issues of the last two years it gave me a lot of peace of mind. After that I began my trade training. It's nice, but class is all men and not particularly in touch with current feminism and LGBT issues. Also they're early twenties and damn it shows. And yet, I feel oddly comfortable there. They may subconsciously think I'm some kinda crossdresser or another brand of fag, BUT they don't say it to my face nor they "politely" try to "argue" that I'm a danger to women and society and therefore I should kindly die. The vibe is like I'm the 2000s high school dyke, playing football, throwing jabs and bro talk with the lads. Not the worst that could have happened for sure. I had several rounds of quitting and relapsing until I gave up my laptop to my girlfriend for custody (previous countermeasures expired, had to restart it to factory settings). That was last November. This month I've been focusing on goal setting and I've also put timers/"digital wellbeing measures" in my phone and tablet. They come with the system, really nice; I feel our efforts spreading awareness in Game Quitters made a tangible part in mainstream industry starting to care about the issue, even if it's just token measures. They still work for me because I have someone for accountability. As someone on the Internet marvelously expressed: So that's what I'm trying to do, keep up with my meals for love, both to someone else and little by little, self-love too. And... It's tough. Dying is easy, everyone who does it instantly becomes good at it (?) Having a healthy life is the real shit. Progress is coming very slow. Infuriatingly slow at times. But that's just me being harsh on myself. By January I would have quit school, yet here I am, keeping in touch and slowly learning even if still a stubborn absent. I've started going to the gym. A couple times so far but I enjoy it a lot and I'm constantly thinking of going again. I even said fuck gender expectations and shamelessly used the male dressing rooms without feeling I was betraying myself. I did it by choice because my current looks are more androgynous and I feel more at ease there rather than surrounded by fit, cisnormative femininity. And the masculine eye candy is nothing to complain about either. The bones in my hips don't stick out anymore, even if 3 meals a day is still a challenge. Got myself a book of recipes to treat my vegetarian girlfriend and a bunch of lovely queers in my life. I write less now, but I still do it semi-regularly. Made a couple trips to stores to make improvements to my room. Rescued a digital camera (a Nikon, I think they don't make those anymore) and I've been learning the basics of photography. I'm not doing the big travels or flashy breakthroughs I used to, but this is what I wanted for so long and it's doing good to me. I knew I was damaged, but I wasn't aware. I lived as if it wasn't fully true or it was my fault somehow. I now know for a fact that I have ADHD and trauma, including Parent Issues (more Tumblr points woo, I even dyed my hair blue once) and some daily routines that may seem basic are really hard for me. Gotta play with my cards. And nah, I Do Am like other girls since I've met a few with the same problem and I'm learning a lot from them, strategies and backup plans and such. Yes, I'm still a quasi-NEET. But, and I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, I finally have reason to believe I am a decent amount of mature. I don't dread "the day I would find my mom dead in the living room couch" anymore, as I wrote at the start of my journal. Aside from finding myself in a bit of economic hot water. But the person I am now, for all my struggles and fears and sometimes regret... Yeah, I think this person can thrive. At my own pace. Perhaps traversing a road I had not considered until very recently. Edit: My current quitting streak, even if I'm aiming for long term would be 61 days atm.

In an unfortunate but also honestly convenient turn of events, my mom accidentally broke her computer the same night I arrived. So it's been half a month without games and hey, pretty neat. I promised a significant other to avoid games at least until I begin my new studies, so this must be some kind of cosmic encouragement (it's not*, but sure I can draw subjective meaning and storytelling from it)

10 days and I've started writing again. Neat!

A whole week w/o games passed in a breeze. It does get easier. I could play when I arrive home. Do I *really* want, tho?

I relapsed hard during the whole of July taking advantage of my mother's laptop, but I was able to do the stuff I had to do. Medical appointments mostly, then I enrolled myself in school again. University in hiatus for the time being, this year's crazy idea is industrial maintenance training. I'm confident being surrounded by gruff mechanics will do wonders to polish and refine my butch aesthetic and vibes (?). You know, some witty zingers to counter catcalls and rude comments, and sorely needed strength of arm. Good things overall, if I can pull myself through my social anxiety. I've learned what I do is not that important. I've only have one short and arbitrary life, I'm not bound to find the objectively best profession, the ultimate calling. There are simply too many, naturally I won't be able to try the vast majority of them. Instead I just need to be competent at whatever I can land in and be satisfied enough with my job to pass this side of life's requirements. Also, I've already burned my biggest passions and I'm not fit to make a living out of them. They'll have to stay at side hobbies. Picking something I'm mildly interested in and finding an unexpected joy is the smart choice, I think. The last 4 days of July (approximately) I quit again in order to emotionally prepare to finally travel to my study place after a month of procrastination, pack 3 years worth of stuff and make the move back hometown. It was a real pain and I can't begin to explain how much I struggled with it. Meds and breakdowns galore and in the end I couldn't do it without help, both traveling and packing, but I'm almost done now. Despite being probably the hardest time of this year, I haven't touched a game although I have the chance and the excuse. I think these days have made the relapse worthy, in the sense that I've learned something. I already knew my addiction is a "tool", a crutch and mostly an escape from reality, but I was scared I would automatically fall back to my previous state when given the slightest chance (as I wrote in previous posts). That was the case for a while, but when enough pressure and urgency were applied, I could snap out of it. And most importantly, I could relapse again now. It's not like I've been very efficient with my time anyway but still how am I not playing. How it doesn't hurt that bad. The laptop's right there, unlocked. And yet. It's been a week now. That is new. I think I may be entering the right mindset to properly quit. There truly is something else I want to do with my life now, besides quitting for the sake of quitting. I'm still terrified of everything, and some things have not changed in 7 years. But I've progressed, a lot. I can be a little more at peace with myself.

Yeah, I agree. 90 days is the adaptation period and I've done a lot of stuff to set me in the right direction. Just gotta remember what am I doing this for and what do I stand to both win and lose. 100 days. Cravings came, cravings left. It helped to share my thoughts and rationalize how gaming was both unhealthy and honestly not that rewarding. I am looking forward to start rehabilitating my body, hopefully it's not too late to avoid chronic pains and nuisances.

90 days! Yay! So, that's a second detox run done. I'll make another celebratory post in a bit. It doesn't feel like much of a victory tho, since I have 0 units of confidence in my ability to not relapse once my laptop is in my hands again. I know I've said this a lot of times and my insecurity is obnoxious, sorry. I just feel these days are something between a cheat and a training, and the real challenge will begin there. My gut feeling is that I'll relapse for a while and then keep it under control again. But I want to do better. I want to be better. There won't be real improvement if I do the same old. If I really make an effort to avoid gaming with the tool for it in front of me, it will surely hurt a lot. I can imagine myself crying and relying on medication. But that's where the real struggle will be. I'll need a good reason to keep going and it makes me very miserable to be aware that "care for my loved ones", "live by myself in my own terms", "finish my transition" or "discover new things that make me happy" are not good enough ones to keep me away from the fucking thing. Still, these 3 months I was able to keep up and commit to my therapy sessions, start medication, (almost) put in order important paperwork, write almost a hundred pages (22k words!) of various writings, reconnect with people from the past, fix a couple relationships, tie a bit better my security net, and give my future another honest round of thought, no matter if it hasn't arrived anywhere yet. Sure, I'm not at the level of a healthy person yet. But I was at a really low point. I kinda eat regularly now, if anything. I'm drained after writing this so I'll stop here for now. Let's keep the good times going.

89 days. Calm, happy, in my lane, etc etc. Still having heavy cravings but I'm safe so far, at least until the end of July. I've shared my worries about relapsing and disappointing my loved ones with them and that makes me feel a lot better. I must remember to keep asking for help. I would do the same things for them with no issue.

88 days. Feeling fine-ish. Today I'm receiving some good news. Aside from that, not much. I'll be back in my usual place by the day I hit 90 days. I think I'll organize something nice to celebrate with my pals this weekend.

86 days. I should be happy, but this stupid recurring decision of what to study or do next is weighing me down. I know having a choice is a huge privilege. That's why I should do something good and not drop it this time. I won't drone on about it again. I just feel other people have a way easier time and I must be really incompetent at living.

84 days. I tried to reconnect with my ex girlfriend (the one I made a wall of text post about) after my last su*cide ideation / planning, back when I was less than a month in (around April). It went very well and we've been going on dates since I arrived to my hometown almost 2 weeks ago. Today's one of such days. I'm so happy about it I can't think of words to express it. I'll need to leave in a couple of days anyway, so we're trying to get the most of it while it lasts. I know for a fact that we love each other and, while it's not wise to make future plans around someone else (as a general idea), I can still choose to do something that will allow me to be both independent and moderately satisfied AND live/be close to her at the same time. It's not like I'm a clueless teenager anymore and people make this sort of decisions all the time, so I don't see the problem. I can do anything* with my life, so yes, I can choose to try to build mine to accommodate her into it. She's even more scared about the future than me (and that's something, I know), so it's my turn to be a hopeless romantic and step forward, given how pure rational analysis has failed me time and again. It aligns with my current feelings of rejecting an over the top, endlessly passive-aggressive academic career, so I may be already taking a road here. I still have a couple of weeks to crystallize all these thoughts into something specific. Almost there folks. Funnily enough, I also kept in touch with the other girl I talked about lately and she's also very convinced about making plans for the future with me. I'm not sure how I'll sort out the love triangle but one thing has changed: I feel motivated to become a person who'll be there for their loved ones. I want to be dependable and give back all the joy other people give to me. This sapphic wants to put on some big girl pants and take life in stride, you know. Right now, I want nothing else from life than that.

83 days. Last night was awful. My chest and left arm hurt, I had an anxiety attack and for a moment I got really worried, but meds and loved ones support helped. My theory is I'm starting to catch up with the issues I was using gaming to escape from, so I can't postpone doing specialized therapy for long term addiction recovery anymore. Got the place sorted already, I just gotta call again and apologize for ghosting them the first time. On the bright side, they're used to comings and goings from addicts but still, I'd like to be more reliable. For my own good to begin with.