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BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

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Today was interesting. I asked for work from my managers because I finished about 6 projects last week. I had nothing to do yesterday so that's why I stayed home. Out of no where I got like 7 projects with some being due soon and others being due later on. I developed new ways to do a few of them and I think I'm excited to get them done. I really enjoy feeling important and coming up with innovative ways to solve problems and design our infrastructure. I really do like my job and take pride in it. I get sad when I have no projects to work on because I feel useless.

Does anyone else feel this way about projects? Whether it's work or hobbies I feel very useless if I don't have something to do. It makes me sad because people don't think I'm fun I guess. If I hang out with friends I'd love to be working on a project or doing an activity with them. I want to paint pictures, play board games, go bowling, shoot pool, rock climb, play a game, work on a cartoon, make a video, cook something new, etc. I don't really enjoy traveling. It seems like the only things people my age like doing. They just talk about their travels, go traveling, and then just talk. All they want to do when we eat food together is talk about themselves or the next place they'll travel. I haven't met anyone interesting who enjoys building, drawing, art, reading, crafting, sculpting, painting, etc.

They make me feel like I'm boring sometimes, but I'm smart enough to know they're the boring ones. When you lead a conversation by just talking about what you're doing and where you're going, cut people off when they speak and one-up them to talk about how great your travels are then you're a very vague person. I have yet to meet anyone who has a lot of depth. It kind of bothers me. I always love to be interactive and doing something interesting. That's why I get so fucking frustrated with people. "LeT's CaTcH uP aNd HaVe LuNcH". It's just the typical beer and burger talk where you summarize your life.

FUCK 

I'd rather you come over my house and paint something with me. Let's make a comic strip or just build something. I need to be doing stuff. I get restless and demoralized if I'm just lounging around TALKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I'm very good at being social. I don't think it's difficult to be social and meet others. I'd consider myself in the upper 1% of conversationalists. I just don't talk all of the time because it's a waste of time completely. I want to work on challenging activities and make achievements. 

My ideal woman would be someone who wants to do these activities with me. I don't want to just eat food, drink, have sex, watch game of thrones, orange is the new black, scroll on instagram, and then do cliche bull shit everyone does each season. "We ski in the winter, go apple and pumpkin picking in the fall, go to baseball games in summer, and run 5ks in the spring". That's a mundane life to me. 

I want my girlfriend or wife to come home and build legos with me. I want to cook a crafty meal with her. I want to paint, draw, animate, design something, build something, or make clothes. I want her to teach me things and I can teach her things. I want to work as a team. We can watch a TV show sometimes, but damn, I don't want to just struggle. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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It’s good to know exactly what you want in a partner. 
 

If I ever date again, I would like to find a man who is open to doing acro yoga; that should limit the field really fast!

 

Have a beautiful day!

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9 hours ago, Icandothis said:

It’s good to know exactly what you want in a partner. 
 

If I ever date again, I would like to find a man who is open to doing acro yoga; that should limit the field really fast!

 

Have a beautiful day!

I say this now, but I probably just want someone who appreciates me and is interested in investing her time in me and lets me invest time in her. lol

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I got promoted today at work. I've been waiting for this promotion for two years. I felt I deserved it before and got upset that I didn't get it. I took time away and thought hard about what I needed to do to be more professional. I've changed my whole entire approach to work and really care about my projects, the industry, and accomplishing tasks. I enjoy helping the team more than ever and really want the responsibility and trust of my coworkers. This promotion feels great and I'm very excited to see what projects I have in store for me.

I move on Sunday. I'm packing all tomorrow night and Saturday. 6 months on the lake works for me. Maybe I can find a roommate or some love partner to become a roommate. I don't really think I'm mentally capable of loving someone else right now due to my stressful year and everything, but who knows. I'm just going to not think about it and see where life takes me. 

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Congratulations on your promotion! Also, I can relate to the being active stuff. I feel like I am just simply not worth anything if I'm not doing anything. I sometimes think that 'normal' people get their feeling of identity from who they are and what they stand for. I something feel like I'm not like that and I get that identity from what I'm doing or what I've done or achieved.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Congratulations on your promotion! Also, I can relate to the being active stuff. I feel like I am just simply not worth anything if I'm not doing anything. I sometimes think that 'normal' people get their feeling of identity from who they are and what they stand for. I something feel like I'm not like that and I get that identity from what I'm doing or what I've done or achieved.

Yeah. I think that comes from me always wishing of accomplishing great things as a kid and never doing them. I used to pace around my house as a kid for HOURS day dreaming about things I wanted to achieve. I'd think of cool business models, videos, girlfriends, you name it. But instead of acting on it I'd go and masturbate after or play video games for hours. 

It sounds very funny, but it's a real problem for probably 70-80% of the population of earth. Since most people never achieve anything. Sad reality and I don't want to be a member of the no life club anymore.

Now I'm hell bent on living life and doing shit. I'm 3D modeling tonight and packing tomorrow. I was gonna come home and watch porn but remembered I don't do that anymore. 

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I hate & love him for the constant motivation/reminding of his audience (me) how to do muscle ups, planche push ups, & handstand push ups without wall support. I will get there eventually am in no hurry.

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Today I'm 59 weeks free from video games, 61 weeks free from social media, and 1 week free from porn. This was a long winded post, but not full of complaints. It's just stories.

I woke up today feeling pretty sad because my dream last night was so interesting. I was just on these incredible, fake adventures with friends and then random people. The weirdest things happen in my dreams. I start on an island at night with abandoned buildings where I'm supposed to play hide and seek with others, but the people seeking you are hooded demonic figures who we have to also kill. Such an adventure trying to hide and destroy the others. From there it goes to a city around Christmas time where I'm on a mission to get a few objects with friends and take out my enemy. We roam around for hours and search this mall for a while. But there's lots of people around - it's not empty. It's just a relaxing scene, but we're all moving with purpose and doing something interesting I guess.

It then goes to a fiesta type city on the coast that floods during the day because of rising sea levels from climate change. I spend several scenes walking around the city with a friend talking about the city, climate change, and then different activities we want to do. I watch a hockey game with friends and we go to a bar. The bar was this old wooden bar that was poorly lit along the brisk weather coast of new england. There's not many tables here and it's very uneven. It actually reminds me of the bar I go to with my friends near work, but instead of a street corner it's on the edge of a cliff in a city on the ocean.

These attractive women are talking to me at the bar and I'm able to choose every word I want to say. I sat at a bar table with 2 friends and a few attractive women. I was trying to flirt with them. My dad showed up and I met his girlfriend. I helped them set up a table. I talked to one of my bosses who was there for some reason and was being nice to me. We left that bar to go to another bar for some reason. I get very angry going to another bar after being at one already. It's a pain in the ass to keep hopping around and you just drink the same drink. I think bar hopping is ideally for men and women to meet different men and women at other bars and for women to get free drinks from different guys. I hear from a lot of my friends and other women that they go to different clubs to find rich guys to give them free drinks and then they leave. That kind of leaves a sour taste in my mouth and unfortunately fuels my perception of being used and untrusting of women I meet at bars. I have to be weary of it, but realize not all women do this.

Anyways, we walked around that city for a while, walking through buildings to take shortcuts through city blocks. I got pissed because we got separated and I had to find a place to park. For some reason my car turned into a giant truck and it was impossible to park with street parking. I got pissed and reset the dream. I went back to the first bar. The attractive women weren't there this time. It was just me, a random girl, and a girl from work. I tried going to the second bar with her and we still managed to get split up as we walked around the flooded city. I got annoyed and woke up.

I had slept for 10 hours without waking up according to my FitBit sleep tracker. I always find it fascinating that I can change a dream completely without waking up. I've trained myself well. The only issue is I wake up exhausted and sometimes, like today, very depressed. I get annoyed because I want to have fun with friends and meet women. 

I also feel like my dreams are so much more exciting than my real life. It's painful to wake up sometimes. I dream in extreme detail every night and always have. I love it. I try to learn from my dreams. They explicitly show me what I'm missing in my life. Every dream has the same pattern that I described above with very different settings and missions. 

To boil them down to a few themes: I want to meet women and have sex. It's been 9 years without any sex and I've been hiding it through porn and video games. I also want to go on adventures with purpose. I don't want to just book a flight to California and roam around the countryside. I want to go on a mission in a group and be the leader and most trusted member of that group. I've been trying to live that dream through being a clan leader and team captain in every video game I play. I also want to be surrounded by friends. I used to have clan chats, voice chats, and discord servers where I was surrounded by anywhere from 5-100 friends at once and I was almost always the central figure.

I think I've done a good job and being surrounded by friends. I see at least 2-3 friends each weekend and sometimes 1-15 after work during the week (rock climbing groups and board game groups). I have to give myself a reality check here because I'm actually being much more social than the average person. I've even shifted these get-togethers into more engaging activities like I mentioned before. I had previously mentioned I get tired of just having a drink at a bar and talking. I go rock climbing, play board games, creating a podcast, and creating an animated cartoon. These have majorly transitioned to spending time with people in an engaging and manner of intention. It makes me happy.

The two things I'm missing now is dating and adventure. I think adventure will come from through building stronger friendships and eventually traveling with them to do fun stuff. The girlfriend will come when I'm ready. I unfortunately still have a porn based mindset towards new women I meet when trying to date. I think I'm still approaching dating where I'm scanning to see if I want to have sex with the woman based on looks alone. If I don't want to have sex with her I instantly friendzone her/acquaintance her without a question or getting to know her. That's unfair to her and unfair to me. Please Note: This does not impact my work life or friendly approach to women in social settings. This is only regarding dating outside of my work and social circles. I don't want people thinking I do this to every person I meet in any situation. This is only regarding dating with complete strangers. Thank you.

Since I've been attempting to quit porn over the past two years I've been much more attracted to personalities. I've found that women who are naturally funny (not just quoting memes and recycling used jokes), don't dominate a conversation, provide real advice that I respect and think is useful and not blanket statements of hollow kindness, have hobbies and independence, aren't loud and obnoxious, respect me, and actually ask about my life with genuine intent are more appealing to me and make me happier. I feel much better about it.

Thanks

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I had kind of a frustrating morning. Nothing bad happened. I just kind of faced the fact that I have to pack up my things and move for the 3rd time this year. This angers me. I'm angry because of how stupid my journey has been.

My 3rd roommate last year quit his job to play video games 18 hours a day and spent all of his money on rent. He moved out.

I then found a letter from my 2nd roommate with his parents saying they'd help him find jobs in his home state so he could move out. 

This made me feel like I was going to be alone and needed to move on Thanksgiving of 2018 (4 weeks into quitting games). So I moved home with my mom to save up for a house. Little did I know she'd turn into a fucking cunt psychopathic piece of fucking shit and torture me for the entire 6 months of me living there to the point where I couldn't handle the stress from work and almost commit suicide as I quit my job and fell into a free fall. 

I managed to get a new apartment (2nd move) and get my job back. I spent months in therapy trying to heal and I never relapsed with gaming once. 

All of this and now I move again. I feel like I never made any hasty moves during this transition year. I made these moves for the right reasons.

The reason I'm angry is that 2nd roommate is only moving out now. He said he was leaving at any month over the past 14 months. Yet, he was too afraid to quit his job and leave that he waited 14 months to leave. The other funny thing is he didn't even quit his job. He's just going to work from home! So I could have just lived in that original apartment for the 14 months and then made a move when I had an extra $5,000 saved from not moving and living with cheaper rent. He plays video games and watches anime 8 hours a day on weekdays and 16 hours a day on weekends, just like the 3rd roommate!

What the fuck!

This is what I mean by pathetic people who do not take action in life. They just hinder everyone around them. I'm a man of action and I'm tired of being around people who aren't. They fucking make me sick. Any time I think about this I just get so mad I want to smash everything around me and scream until I can't speak anymore. It's not just those two things. It's just everything I've been through. This is why I hate the gaming community. They're fucking larks who do nothing all day, but get in the way of other people trying to live. It's annoying. The worst cases of it are those fucking hikikomori's who are defined as people who don't leave their homes for a minimum of 6 months and just survive off of their parents or someone else. 

I'm sorry if these post makes you think I'm a hate monger. I'm really not. I'm just explaining that my dislike for these people has been a major fuel for me never relapsing with gaming. I want to be around people who live life and aren't a constant burden or disappointment to others. I've been around them my whole life and I used to be one. Not anymore.

I'm exhausted. I know I don't have the most difficult life on this forum, but I don't care either. I'm allowed to be unhappy and want change. That's why we're alive. We make change for the better. I've made great strides this year to being excellent. I got my promotion, have better friends, have hobbies, and am almost 15 months without video games. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees you're moving to a better place, you just got a promotion! People ruin their lives for all kinds of reasons but you don't need to be angry because they fuck everything up. They're addicted, poor and afraid to change, and their community wants them to stay like that, earn more virtual coins but lose their precious time. Don't touch them if they refuse to listen to you. Don't waste your energy on them. Move on. 

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4 minutes ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees you're moving to a better place, you just got a promotion! People ruin their lives for all kinds of reasons but you don't need to be angry because they fuck everything up. They're addicted, poor and afraid to change, and their community wants them to stay like that, earn more virtual coins but lose their precious time. Don't touch them if they refuse to listen to you. Don't waste your energy on them. Move on. 

Thanks. I agree. I just can't help but ruminate about it sometimes. Very frustrating. I feel like I now have to either find a new roommate or already think about moving to a new home and I haven't even moved yet. I've never had a home and just want a real home for once. I'm always on the move. It's been almost 20 years of moving. 

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Just now, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I agree. I just can't help but ruminate about it sometimes. Very frustrating. I feel like I now have to either find a new roommate or already think about moving to a new home and I haven't even moved yet. I've never had a home and just want a real home for once. I'm always on the move. It's been almost 20 years of moving. 

Our life is the process, so you'll be on the move till your death. What matters is if you have peace inside you, and if you do how can a mere move disturb you?

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8 minutes ago, Vera said:

Our life is the process, so you'll be on the move till your death. What matters is if you have peace inside you, and if you do how can a mere move disturb you?

Because I don't have peace inside of me. I have anguish.

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1 minute ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees

you might gain some peace once your conditions are better, you sleep well and eat well. Let's hope it gets better when you're settled in a new place. 

It would be nice. I also found out from the landlord that he never told her about broken utilities in the house that occurred over the past 14 months so the washing machine and dish washer are broken lol.

I'm just glad to be moving back. Hopefully these things get fixed.

Thanks for the support.

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Never had the idea you were such a lucid dreamer! I can hardly ever remember my dreams and if I do, they are vague enough to be described in a few sentences.

I think you can be a great leader (if you've already lead big clans) and a great achiever (if you were the best in NHL) IRL, just because you've achieved both of these in the virtual world. You might hate both these achievements nowadays, but I think if you can transmute these achievements into reality, you will fulfill your ambitions and rightfully garner the respect of men and the love of women.

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Today has been interesting. I'm done packing. I took a shower to cleanse myself and just relax before tomorrow. I get sad about moving because I feel like I don't have a home and I'm just stressed. But my floor is shaking and my hallway smells terrible. There's ghetto people near my car and the people here aren't friendly. 

I know I'm making the right decision. 

Today was interesting because I didn't watch porn. I really wanted to want to watch porn, but I didn't want to watch it. I felt the emotional attachment to the urge to watch porn but I rejected it. It didn't even come across as appealing to me. Something has changed. Either that or I'm depressed again, but I'll bed hopeful and say I changed. 

I move in 12 hours. Sorry for the posts today. I posted often. Wish me luck. 

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I'm finally all moved in.  I had a very stressful weekend and past few months. My issue now is my floor kind of vibrates here too with the heat. I don't remember it always doing this. It's not as bad as the place I just left. I think I might just be sensitive to it. It's making me think I've once again gone all in and moved for no reason. What's done is done though. 

My mom helped me out a lot today and I really enjoyed her company. It made me sad because I kind of wish I could always enjoy my time with her. Happiness always tends to bring me sadness in perspective. 

I'm here for 6 months and if I don't find a roommate I'll be gone again. 

I kind of just want to cry and have someone hold me for a night. I really want some affection and love. No kissing or anything. I just want a deep embrace and letting me know I'm ok. 

I have unfortunately watched porn again. Oh well. Tough year. 

I honestly don't think the floor here is vibrating. I've walked around a bunch all night. 

I think it's something in my head with the sounds of the fan I use. The other place I was in definitely shook. This one isn't shaking. I think it's a stress disorder I'm experiencing. I'm very upset from the past year. 

I honestly am excited to be back here, but I'm very sad. I just feel like i keep moving and now I'm in limbo again. I'm alone in another house. I miss having roommates. I'm so tired of not feeling confident in my residence and my life. 

It's this looming cloud of pure sadness knowing I'll never find happiness. 

I set my bedroom up the way it was before. It looks like I've never left. Like the year I just had never happened. But it did. My roommates both left now and I don't know what's going on. I've lost confidence in myself. It's hitting me extremely hard tonight. I'm absolutely miserable. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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