Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Just to give my two cents, I normally don't have (remember) any dreams, but I remember them more after drinking alcohol. I hardly ever drink enough of it to make it happen nowadays though.

I hear you. I think I drink 1 beer a month at this rate lol. I'm glad I don't have that issue on top of the gaming and porn and stuff. 

[BooksandTrees]

I was supposed to drive to the city tomorrow and give a presentation. But I asked my boss if I could give it from home and remote in. I get severe anxiety and panic attacks going to the city. I used to work there for years and had a lot of bad things happen to me along with bad health issues from the 4 hours of commuting. 

My bosses were supportive and said I could work from home. I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I can't do the drives. It's just so stressful. I had several panic attacks this weekend and this morning over it. I had to sleep for hours since it was so exhausting. I'm better now but still feel like a loser. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that nobody is upset with me.

[Amphibian220]

Take care of yourself if you get triggered this way. Put yourself first. Definitely not a loser with how much you keep fighting for your well being and for victims of addiction.

[BooksandTrees]

18 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Take care of yourself if you get triggered this way. Put yourself first. Definitely not a loser with how much you keep fighting for your well being and for victims of addiction.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I ended up getting a lot of support and I had a good virtual presentation. I feel very relieved. I think this also shows that even though I don't work at my old company that I still fear what my old boss would say or do. Just another example of how long abuse stays with someone, no matter how minor or major we think the abuse was. 

[BooksandTrees]

Today's been so productive. My wife and I have been pretty burnt out so last night I had us do an arts and crafts night where we create a handmade card to each other and write something kind in it. We spent like 2 hours making the cards and gave them to each other. It really lifted our mood. 

Today started with a warmth and happiness that we needed. I think it was from those cards. We ate breakfast, watched a show, then did a ton of house projects that we'd been putting off for months. After that we ate lunch and played street hockey for an hour to get some exercise. 

I feel so much better overall. Refreshed. Funny thing is, after all that there's still 8 hours before bed lol. I think we're gonna order a fun dinner, watch the hockey game, and relax a bit. 

[BooksandTrees]

Today's been a strange day in terms of deciphering my emotions. I slept in and was tired. I read a lot of my book and enjoyed it. I then took a nap and just relaxed with my wife. 

I haven't wanted to do anything. Not out of depression or boredom. I just didn't feel like drawing, writing, playing the drums, building legos, playing sports, or watching TV. 

I just wanted some quiet today. It's been so busy at work and in life with family stuff. I got some funny ideas for future stories but all I really want to do today is be cozy in a blanket and exist without effort lol. 

Back to my first sentence about it being strange and trying to decipher it: I can't tell if it's good or bad. I have adopted a mindset of accepting boredom because I think it's my mind telling me it's tired. I used to spend years trying to do all these thought intensive hobbies on weekends after long work weeks and it just set me up for more exhaustion. 

The good thing is eventually I naturally develop more energy and interest in doing thoughtful hobbies and just do them without thinking. So I'm just gonna roll with it. I feel better overall. Sometimes it's ok to be bored. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I guess 5 years into quitting video games I still have the anxiety that I need to always be making progress or gains in an active and passive way. Just gonna take some time to heal still is all. 

[FDRx7]

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I have adopted a mindset of accepting boredom because I think it's my mind telling me it's tired. I used to spend years trying to do all these thought intensive hobbies on weekends after long work weeks and it just set me up for more exhaustion. 

I found myself nodding along as I read your entry. I'm struggling with this and even wrote a note to myself in my "fill the void" plan to be okay with just chilling. Sometimes I feel this pressure to be "productive" with my hobbies and that doesn't necessarily make them restorative. It can be better to go with the flow and listen to what your body needs for recovery.

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

I found myself nodding along as I read your entry. I'm struggling with this and even wrote a note to myself in my "fill the void" plan to be okay with just chilling. Sometimes I feel this pressure to be "productive" with my hobbies and that doesn't necessarily make them restorative. It can be better to go with the flow and listen to what your body needs for recovery.

Sorry you're struggling with this also but I'm glad you found it relatable. I think games, apps, and society make us feel the need to always produce or crave content. It's just not natural. We need to heal sometimes. 

[Pochatok]

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry you're struggling with this also but I'm glad you found it relatable. I think games, apps, and society make us feel the need to always produce or crave content. It's just not natural. We need to heal sometimes. 

My struggle isn't even to "create/crave content", but to sit and just be okay with my thoughts as they are. Today while baking, I've experienced some of the most intense stress in the last ten days-ish, and it was simply from me thinking through things that have been happening- as if I naturally dive into distressing thoughts.

For me, always remaining present/active/intentional in some way is key to maintaining a manageable level of stress. Otherwise, it feels like watching a dam break: it's overwhelming and inevitable and there is nothing I can do but run... Not my favorite place to be ✨
 

[BooksandTrees]

33 minutes ago, Pochatok said:

My struggle isn't even to "create/crave content", but to sit and just be okay with my thoughts as they are. Today while baking, I've experienced some of the most intense stress in the last ten days-ish, and it was simply from me thinking through things that have been happening- as if I naturally dive into distressing thoughts.

For me, always remaining present/active/intentional in some way is key to maintaining a manageable level of stress. Otherwise, it feels like watching a dam break: it's overwhelming and inevitable and there is nothing I can do but run... Not my favorite place to be ✨
 

Sorry you had to deal with that. Are you currently going to therapy or discussed any medication with your doctor? I used to struggle with inability to stop ruminating on things that I dwell on. Medication and therapy really helped. If you are seeing one, have they given you any strategies to dispel these thoughts in a healthy way? Running should never be a long term option. Eventually you will want to be able to have control to push thoughts aside that are meaningless long term or be able to deal with them one at a time. Etc. 

[Pochatok]

30 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry you had to deal with that. Are you currently going to therapy or discussed any medication with your doctor? I used to struggle with inability to stop ruminating on things that I dwell on. Medication and therapy really helped. If you are seeing one, have they given you any strategies to dispel these thoughts in a healthy way? Running should never be a long term option. Eventually you will want to be able to have control to push thoughts aside that are meaningless long term or be able to deal with them one at a time. Etc. 

You're so kind, I appreciate your empathy and care! 

I certainly dramatized that experience. It does feel like watching a dam break, but while on the board a ship capable of sailing through those waters. I am certainly not running, but do have a tendency to let the water carry me, rather than choose where I move. 

Therapy has not been accessible for some time, and I've been managing pretty well on my own, and with the help of friends. I do plan on resuming- last couple of weeks have been peaking my stress levels, and I want to find more sustainable ways of living.

I am sorry that you've had similar experiences, and am glad that you've found a way to work through them 💖

[BooksandTrees]

17 hours ago, Pochatok said:

You're so kind, I appreciate your empathy and care! 

I certainly dramatized that experience. It does feel like watching a dam break, but while on the board a ship capable of sailing through those waters. I am certainly not running, but do have a tendency to let the water carry me, rather than choose where I move. 

Therapy has not been accessible for some time, and I've been managing pretty well on my own, and with the help of friends. I do plan on resuming- last couple of weeks have been peaking my stress levels, and I want to find more sustainable ways of living.

I am sorry that you've had similar experiences, and am glad that you've found a way to work through them 💖

Thank you and no worries. Just make sure you're not taking this all on your own. It's really important to take steps for getting help and strategies to deal with stress. I think it's very important for success. 

[Ikar]

On 10/29/2023 at 10:17 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Today's been a strange day in terms of deciphering my emotions. I slept in and was tired. I read a lot of my book and enjoyed it. I then took a nap and just relaxed with my wife. 

I haven't wanted to do anything. Not out of depression or boredom. I just didn't feel like drawing, writing, playing the drums, building legos, playing sports, or watching TV. 

I just wanted some quiet today. It's been so busy at work and in life with family stuff. I got some funny ideas for future stories but all I really want to do today is be cozy in a blanket and exist without effort lol. 

Back to my first sentence about it being strange and trying to decipher it: I can't tell if it's good or bad. I have adopted a mindset of accepting boredom because I think it's my mind telling me it's tired. I used to spend years trying to do all these thought intensive hobbies on weekends after long work weeks and it just set me up for more exhaustion. 

The good thing is eventually I naturally develop more energy and interest in doing thoughtful hobbies and just do them without thinking. So I'm just gonna roll with it. I feel better overall. Sometimes it's ok to be bored. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I guess 5 years into quitting video games I still have the anxiety that I need to always be making progress or gains in an active and passive way. Just gonna take some time to heal still is all. 

I guess it comes with spending years upon years of trying to be the best and never letting it rest. I'm always almost right when I say to myself that I just need to do nothing and I never regret it. If our gaming success was calculated as (time spent on task) x (intelligence), we still missed the important ingredient of multiplying it by (planning).

Addicts have 0 in planning, as they have no sense of alternative. A kudos to every streamer/gamer who just eventually shrugged, scratched their head and said: "Eh, I don't have enough fun doing this." or "I don't make enough money streaming to make it worthwhile." But that's real (self)knowledge there and not just the pure ego that we had.

It turns out that planning can really make a big difference; even if we do/train something for an hour a week, it's normally almost infinitely times more than the average (rather median) person, so we can be pretty decent at it. So it's OK if you've done your share of writing, drumming or lego building for the week, as the only thing really need to look after is your well-being.

[SerinaGold]

It turns out that planning can really make a big difference; even if we do/train something for an hour a week, it's normally almost infinitely times more than the average (rather median) person, so we can be pretty decent at it. So it's OK if you've done your share of writing, drumming or lego building for the week, as the only thing really need to look after is your well-being.

So true! Thank you for sharing.

[BooksandTrees]

I'll reply soon but I wanted to write that I watched a movie with my wife tonight that I haven't watched since I was a kid. I used to watch it at least once a month with my dad. We had a bad father son relationship growing up that is healed now. Sometimes life was tough but we could put things aside for a couple hours and watch the movie. I finally watched the movie tonight knowing that my life was going to be ok after the movie ended and I could be happy. I could finally let my guard down. 

I don't think anyone but me could understand the specific feeling but I hope you can all relate to the fact that life can change and you can have a better life. Sometimes it just takes time. And when it does change, not everyone will understand the way you do. They'll recognize it, but that's when you know that you can let go. That's when you know you can appreciate yourself and let your inner child know that everything is going to be OK. And that you never quit on yourself, even when life got unbearable. That's love. Love yourself. I love myself and life is OK. I'm grateful for my life every day now. And my relationship with my dad has never been better. 

[BooksandTrees]

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I guess it comes with spending years upon years of trying to be the best and never letting it rest. I'm always almost right when I say to myself that I just need to do nothing and I never regret it. If our gaming success was calculated as (time spent on task) x (intelligence), we still missed the important ingredient of multiplying it by (planning).

Addicts have 0 in planning, as they have no sense of alternative. A kudos to every streamer/gamer who just eventually shrugged, scratched their head and said: "Eh, I don't have enough fun doing this." or "I don't make enough money streaming to make it worthwhile." But that's real (self)knowledge there and not just the pure ego that we had.

It turns out that planning can really make a big difference; even if we do/train something for an hour a week, it's normally almost infinitely times more than the average (rather median) person, so we can be pretty decent at it. So it's OK if you've done your share of writing, drumming or lego building for the week, as the only thing really need to look after is your well-being.

I agree completely. I always look back on it feeling like it's ok and at least I have a plan that I'm progressing. 

[BooksandTrees]

I made a major breakthrough today regarding my emotions and behavior. I make the same complaints about being unhappy how I can't do creative hobbies for hours. 

It's just because I don't feel like being engaged in an activity. That's it. 

I don't need to overthink this anymore. I am mentally engaged at work all of the time and outside of work with family things. If I don't feel like writing, drawing, or creating things, it's because I need a break. I'm just not in the mood to continue being engaged in thought. 

Nothing is wrong with me. Just a sign that I need to rest. 

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, lord8266 said:

You are a hero. I wonder if gamers became gamers because they were meant to something great like you but got stuck. I believe all those toxic gamers have the potential to become you. Just that they are putting their talent in the wrong place

Thank you so much for the kind words! I think games are a very convenient means of developing a skill set and expressing passion. I think that's why some people are amazing at them and why people can be toxic. 

It makes me know, not just believe, but know, that everyone has the potential to do something great. It might not even seem great to that person, but in the eyes of others it could be even greater. 

That's why I urge people on here and in recovery to just remain patient, allow themselves time, space, and resources to heal, and when the moment strikes for creative action, let it strike. And then roll with the ebbs and flows because the creativity won't always be there. 

[BooksandTrees]

I finally wrote a chapter of my book today. I haven't written in almost 2 months. I feel so relieved. The pressure to write was percolating inside of me and I had to constantly face the negative voices in my head saying I was a failure and wasting time. 

I thought about it for weeks, as you've seen in my posts, and realized how tired I was and that it's healthy and ok to be bored and tired and sometimes lazy. After weeks of healing, I spent 3 hours writing. I feel much better now. I might even write more this week. 

I took today off of work because I haven't had a random day off in months. I'm tired and work and life have been busy. I decided to focus on my hygiene and mental health for the morning and went out of my way to shave, do extra flossing, groom a bit, and try to take care of myself. I feel very calm and happy afterwards because I sometimes go weeks without shaving when I'm feeling depressed or low energy. 

 

[BooksandTrees]

This week went well at work. Got a lot done. I've been a little restless and tired after work due to boredom. I think the shorter days and longer nights make me not want to do as much. 

I think it will take more effort to do things that came so easily for the next few months. 

[Pochatok]

On 10/31/2023 at 10:02 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you and no worries. Just make sure you're not taking this all on your own. It's really important to take steps for getting help and strategies to deal with stress. I think it's very important for success. 

Before responding, I just want to say that your words on rest have resonated with me a lot.

Having just come back from a 5-day trip with a person I love so, so much. It was a great time, and also a time of ignoring my inner calls to rest. Now I am feeling resentment towards them, and that's so hard to deal with. It feels although I ate too much chocolate (and it all was so good!) and now feel sick just thinking about it. Frustrating place to be in, but I'm learning and hope that the resentment will settle down. 

Now yes, I have been becoming better at taking care of myself, and asking for help, and not keeping it all inside. I appreciate your support and encouragement, it helps me prioritize this more 💛

[BooksandTrees]

10 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Before responding, I just want to say that your words on rest have resonated with me a lot.

Having just come back from a 5-day trip with a person I love so, so much. It was a great time, and also a time of ignoring my inner calls to rest. Now I am feeling resentment towards them, and that's so hard to deal with. It feels although I ate too much chocolate (and it all was so good!) and now feel sick just thinking about it. Frustrating place to be in, but I'm learning and hope that the resentment will settle down. 

Now yes, I have been becoming better at taking care of myself, and asking for help, and not keeping it all inside. I appreciate your support and encouragement, it helps me prioritize this more 💛

It's important to rest. It's also important to forgive yourself. Keep up the good work and allow yourself some levity. You're welcome and thank you for your support as well. Just take some small steps here and there this week to get that rest. 

[BooksandTrees]

I keep feeling pressure to write after work but I think it's important to clear my mind after work since I do mostly critical thinking. It makes no sense to immediately start writing and being on another screen. 

I also feel pressure to write after dinner. I don't like writing or doing creative hobbies after dinner. I kind of just want to spend time with my family since I never had anyone do that with me growing up. I'm starting to prefer doing creative hobbies on weekends only and either doing passive hobbies like reading, yoga, exercise, board games, TV and music after work on weekdays. I think this helps achieve balance. 

 

[FDRx7]

I'm feeling the same way lately. Sitting down with a good book has been my go-to activity in the evening.

[BooksandTrees]

23 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

I'm feeling the same way lately. Sitting down with a good book has been my go-to activity in the evening.

I think it's just this pressure we're putting on ourselves from the desire to do something we're interested in, but conflicted by the rest or clear mindset we need. Some people can brute force through it but I think that's more necessary if it's an important task like work or chores or school. If it's a hobby meant for enjoyment I don't think it should be forced.