Zoe

one hundred and sixty? Am I reading this right? Push-ups have always been hard for me. I don’t think it’s fair…. I have long arms so…lol.. this is what I tell myself to make me feel better What type of writing do you do? I feel you on this, I analyze every text I read and write to an extremely unhealthy level I like this. It makes me feel normal with my struggles with honesty.

I relate to this! All but one of my friends live out of state…lol..all=3. I don’t like a lot of friends. It’s hard to make new friends…I’m not fully in agreement with it yet because I adore my friends and nobody will really match up. So yeah, figuring out how to be social right along with you. Great job on prioritizing your health! It’s amazing what gaming did to my health. my hamstrings and back hurt so much. Yoga is helping with that. my circulation is so jacked because I wasn’t moving at all. But, I know it can get better. I meet with a nutritionist on Monday. I am super excited about it because I want a lifestyle change, not a diet. Anyway…welcome. My hope is that you include self-compassion in your journey.

Days since Relapse: Days since started program: 42 Gratitude: -Session at work that made me fall in love with my job again -5 day weekends -Spa day gift certificate Goals for today--NOT To do list -Ooopps..didn’t do this in the morning so…goal for today is to go sleep What's in my head right now: I’m a little less motivated to do the DBT thing today buttttt….Radical Acceptance. It’s ok that I’m tired right now. I worked from 730 am to 730 pm…got nothing left in this brain. I did want to stop in here and journal because I want to try to keep it daily. It’s consistency for me and I think it helps others to see active members. Can’t promise it will always be daily, but, I’ll do my best. Oh! I was surprised to see a response from Cam on my post that tagged him. Appreciate it when concerns are addressed Bed time. I hope you everyone is ok…at least neutral😀

I feel you in this goal.😀

Just remember self-compassion. You’re trying, it’s really all that matters

Day 16 Gratitude. -My kitten trying to eat my pen, planner or my keyboard on my desk. Cutest thing ever. -My therapist...Thank God I have an appointment with her this afternoon. -Coffee! ***Clarinet music!!!!! "Remember me...only remember me, you understand." I love her voice....It reminds me of Spirited Away. @jailbreaker.I broke out my clarinet on Saturday evening!! For some reason I have a box of #5 reeds. I didn't realize it and tried to play with that and nothing came out...to the point I thought something was stuck inside my clarinet. Hahaha, so funny. Anyway, had some 2.5 strength also, so used them. Too airy for me, but I'll get there. I was surprised that I still know how to play the beginning portion of Pink Panther! Actually, no I don't...I've just been listening to this playlist I made over and over for about a week and am happy to say I can still play by ear. 🙂. Gotta watch that though cause it keeps me from re-teaching myself how to read music. I always got in trouble for that. Goals for today -Complete discharge at work -Get my travel in at work -Take a shower -Finish my laundry What's in my head right now? I feel surprised that I am feeling very self-reflective this morning. I think I need to add some structure to my entries for a little while in order to get a little out of my head and emotions. I skimmed through my entries yesterday evening looking for any patterns. I noticed a difference between when I journal from my phone and when I journal from my desktop. I noticed that I'm reactive when I'm journaling from my phone. I think that might be because I'm usually not feeling very proud of the activities I've been engaging in. It means I am in a spiral of self-loathing because I'm either on my couch watching youtube videos or watching useless TV. However, if I journal while I'm at my computer, I'm at my desk, looking out the window at trees, random people walking by, birds, the sun, yellow tint to the sky...gross lol. It's more grounding. I'm thinking about using an approach of dialectical behavioral therapy to my life right now. I scared myself yesterday because I really got overwhelmed with emotions. To the point that it's really hard to think about it right now without tears rolling down my face. So yeah, need to get out of that headspace before I land myself hospitalized again this summer. This is going to be hard for me, because I really like to start my mornings out with some stream of consciousness journaling, but I have to take care of my current emotional state before I get back to that. Already getting into my emotions while typing this.....So...gonna do some boxed breathing before I go to work.

Good job and welcome!

Please don’t censor yourself..part of growing is finding healthy coping strategies. 😀 Thank you for sharing this. This is very sweet. It’s not self-protection I am worried about. It’s the fact that we live in a world where some people think that ADDING trauma “requiring something like a physical video as evidence) is even ok to say/type. It’s just….sigh. Did I take this out of context? I didn’t mean to call you problematic. I just meant that my journal is for me to work out my emotions…yours is to work out yours. For me, it would be selfish to put an emotional response in your journal. It does. I think maybe the same reasons. Thank for your response..It was very kind.

It’s ok to be honored and depressed. Congrats on day 5

YEAH, THIS MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. Day 15 Too triggered to write about gratitude right now. Trying not to react. Also trying not to be silent and look the other way. It’s really hard to be rational with this effing brain. Screw it, I’ll say it….My heart dropped when I read the words “unless you have a tape “ in a journal here, but I don’t want to put my reaction on that journal because it wouldn’t be fair to said person’s journal….A recorded tape, really is that’s what it’s come to…cause that would just add a whole different level of trauma…Being recorded while raped….jesus. I think a point can be made without saying shit like this. Ugh…I hate this feeling. I hate that I started my day feeling fucking feral. But, on the other hand it’s good practice…for working through my emotions, accepting them as valid and then moving on. But shit that is hard. Maybe I need to go outside and walk this energy off, that would probably ne the healthier choice.

Exactly…if there isn’t intrinsic reasons for quitting…it’s not gonna stick.

Waittttt. I don’t think you were a Demon child! I think you were a kid being a kid. I’ve been thinking about this the past few days and it’s made me feel a bit shameful for the demon I was. I did some mean shit. Usually in retaliation, but some of it made me pretty afraid of my mind. Ok, so I’ll share a few examples. So, I grew up pretty poor, so my clothes weren’t always up to par with the “cool kids”. I didn’t really care, I was a little skater girl, so was scrubbin it in the clothes arena anyway. But….this one girl used to annoy the crap out of me. It was when I was in 8th grade. I was sitting at a lunch table eating my daily cream filled long john and orange juice and this girl with a few other friends comes over and asks me if i’m going to be there for long because they want to sit down. There was plenty of room. Such evil thoughts went through my head…I decided I could act on one. So, I told her sure.. I’ll get up. That day, I decided to skip my classes because I was outside looking for a garden snake or salamander I could put down her shirt, pants whatever. I just wanted to show her…I don’t know what. Anyway. I finally found a garden snake. They are really easy to play around with and harmless. I put it in my lunch box…poor snake. Anyway, I was able to walk behind her on her way to the bus and straight up placed the snake around the back of her neck. She screamed and everyone laughed. I immediately felt horrible, but, just turned around and walked away like a little demon. Crazy. Next one…I don’t know how old I was, but pretty young cause I was a Brownie lol.. That thing before girl scouts. Anyway, we were going on a field trip. While we were getting on the bus, The girl in front of me turned around and just flicked me on the forehead…for no reason. Wellllllll.. She had a pony tail, so i grabbed it and yanked her right out of the bus. I hated how I felt after that. I was petrified at what I did. But yeah, that was the end of what would be my Girl Scout career lol. I just realized I shouldn’t be allowed in 🚌

I think the most useful strategy I have found is to say…Ok, I’m going to do this for 30 minutes and see how it goes..if I still don’t feel like it after 30 minutes..I can stop. That usually gets me going and I can do something for way longer than 30 minutes. I tend to find it less daunting when I make “time goals” rather than task goals. Not sure that makes sense.

Day 14 Gratitude.. 3 day weekends. Opportunities to improve my health My new planner Feeling a little on edge today. A tournament is coming up for mobile legends, so I’ve been watching youtube videos about predictions, etc. Probably why I’m on edge. Not sure why I watch them, just makes me want to game. Been thinking about this a lot. My goal is really to stop doing things that make me feel like shit about myself. @LordFederickRamsaywrote about this a little in his journal…at least it’s how I understood it. I don’t want to quit gaming…or anything out of obligation. I want to do it because it’s something that makes me healthier, mentally and physically. The unintended shaming of this program makes me cringe sometimes, but, I’m trying to take the parts that work for me, and leave things that don’t lying on the ground. I’ve read a lot about what actually helps people with addiction, whether it’s quitting completely or just developing a healthier relationship with whatever substance. My point is, social support tends to be a major factor in predicting success for these goals. That’s the part of this program that I like, the community. I like that I can come here and get the ramble out of my head and there might be others who can relate a bit. I like the fact that if I don’t journal for a few days, someone might ask If I disappeared. I think I’m trying to say…thanks guys for being a part of my social support. 😀 That’s gonna be it for tonight cause I really want to respond to some other journals. Toots..