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Max

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  1. Max

    Time to move on

    Yo! Just a quick entry to let you guys know that I'm doing better. Since I reintroduced myself to gaming I played 3 times. The first one was on my day off for a few hours. Second one was in the evening after I've done everything I've planned for a day, got bored after 30 minutes though and quit. And the last one was on Sunday with my study buddy, 40 minutes between evening study sessions. All I can say is that I am finally on the way of actually figuring out stuff. I am developing passion for learning and enjoying every moment in life. And it's never been so fun and easy.
  2. Hey Taylor, welcome back. Addressing your question in the title, why do you care so much about what random people on the Internet say about you? Like I play competitive Overwatch, people tell me "kys" on a daily basis and that never bothered me. Like you have to understand that gaming community is mostly angry teenagers who are saying all sorts of stuff because they feel anonymous and there are no consequences. If you can't tolerate that behavior there are tons of other communities with mature decent people.
  3. Max

    Time to move on

    Nah, I think that with my current mental state abstinence is actually damaging. Facing real problems isn't a solution. Solution is actually solving them. I can't face this while being sober because it's just too much for me. I can't take it, it just broke me. I have to address it one at a time. When I quit it's just too overwhelming. I feel lost. With gaming I have a solid ground from where I can start. I want to feel like a "normal" person, someone who can start up a game and have some fun, instead of being an "addict" who fears games for the rest of the life. Today I played and nothing bad happened. It felt nice and I moved on.
  4. Max

    Time to move on

    Heah this is a very reasonable point. But as I said before, I have been quitting for 3 years. Not only it didn’t get better, it got much worse. I want to try something else even if it’s stupid
  5. Max

    Time to move on

    I was facing real problems for 150 days. Not only I felt awful, it kept getting worse and worse. As I said before, my mental condition damages me physically. If I’d continue my “recovery” I’d either go insane or kill myself. If you can deal with all your problems without any coping, than I’m happy for you, but I just can’t. I thought that all my problems in life were due to gaming and if I quit my life will get better. Unfortunately it is the opposite. What is the proper way to chase goals? My goal is becoming a programmer, so I studied all day every day. What would be the proper what then? I can’t relate to that. I don’t get any gratification after completing chores. As I said before, depriving myself from gaming does nothing good to me. I want to try things I’ve never tried before - understand myself. I want to understand WHY I want to game and what I can do with it. Just quitting and saying no to your desires is not a proper solution, it is just damaging and wrong. I hated myself for gaming for years. It’s time to practice some self love. I want to go beyond gaming=bad paradigm, I want to go deeper into myself. I know that gaming in moderation sounds very silly on this forum, but I have nothing left to lose. My life just can’t get worse at this point. If I were to choose between myself after 150 days without gaming or when I was gaming 12h a day, I’d choose the later. I’m sorry if my response seemed disrespectful, I am just so hurt that I can get it out on other people.
  6. Max

    Time to move on

    I was thinking the same as you, so I can totally understand your point. But now I can see beyond that. Have you ever wondered how people become addicts? Gaming Addicts Anonymous says that the Higher Power made them miserable for the rest of their lives and they are helpless and can’t be cured. Pretty convenient position, it takes all the responsibility from the person to an abstract 3rd party. And I think this is bullshit. And Cam’s position that “you have to stop and do something else for the rest of your life” is also incredibly stupid. Imagine a person who is very good in studies, has good friends, exercises and has a romantic partner. Would that person be interested in shooting heroine behind a dumpster? Doubt. What about playing video games for 10h a day? Doubt. Where was a case after the war in Vietnam, that 20% of US soldiers became addicted to heroine. It was known as the most addictive substance, that would make anyone an addict. So the public was shocked that so many addicts would return to the US. But what actually happened is that after their return, only 5% within those 20% has relapsed during the year. That leads to a conclusion that the environment plays a big role in your behavior. They were using heroine during the horrors of war, and once they came back home they didn’t need heroine anymore. So my point is that I have to discover what is ACTUALLY wrong, instead of mimicking “successful” people as Cam suggests. I can study for 10 hours a day for the rest of my life, I can go outside everyday on long walks, but if I still feel like shit, then what’s the fucking point? You assume that the person is fucked up because he is a gaming addict. But what if he is a gaming addict because he is fucked up? You blame all the misery on gaming, but what if this misery led to gaming? I have to know math in order to be a good programmer, it’s a skill I need, but it’s not my main goal or something I enjoy very much. Do you get gratification after brushing your teeth? If you don’t, then brushing your teeth was not the right goal by definition. I didn’t say that I will binge game 24/7. But I will play when I want to. You think you know better than me, you give all these advices. But what if you just stop for a second and think about it? What if you are actually wrong? How many times have you reached your goals after quitting games? When I read your journal the only impression I get is that you are fucking struggling man. You say that you will do better tomorrow, but that’s rarely the case. You are going in circles. What if you are actually missing something important that makes your life much more difficult? What makes your goals harder to reach. And this isn’t gaming.
  7. Max

    Time to move on

    Day 150 without games. I've felt quite uneasy during the past few months, but this week my anxiety is so severe that I can't take it any longer. It is to the point that I feel physically sick. As my therapist has said, my negative feelings and emotions have connection to my stomach problems. And I gotta say that my stomach was never as bad as now. I am in both psychological and physical agony. Last time I've felt that anxious right before university entrance exams which I knew I would fail. But then that feeling was only for a few hours before exam. Now I have the same feeling constantly, and I can't understand why, because I have nothing even relatively stressing in the future. I have studied for 5 hours daily, my progress is good and understanding is awesome. So by any means I'm doing great, all that I am supposed to do. Then why the fuck I feel so terrible? I feel like my life is ruined and I've lost everything, even though I know that none of it js actually true. And that feeling never goes away, I'm tearing inside both figuratively and literally. My guess is that the news about my physical condition and all this pain slowly caught up with me and now hurting with their full power. And games, yeah, abstinence from games hurt me so badly. Like it was my way to socialize, vent out, show others my skill and value. And now I have none of this. I'm by my own, no matter what I do I get 0 response. I was grinding math this whole week, finished all algebra and got a perfect final exam score. But it felt so unrewarding, no one said "good job" to me. I could've just laid in bed and watched youtube and get to basically the same outcome. Like I know that knowing math is beneficial and would help me in the long run, but now this is so vague that it actually means nothing. And now I realize my mistake. I've been listening to Healthy Gamer for a few weeks and now I can surely say that all of this is wrong, quitting games cold turkey is wrong, Cam is wrong. This whole approach of "just" quitting games and "just" doing healthy things instead is so fucked up. You are just fighting a symptom instead of addressing the real issue behind it. People play games for 12 hours a day not because games are bad, but because something in their lives is fucked up. No wonder that the relapse rate on this forum is so high. It was always so obvious, but I've never thought about it properly. I've spent almost 3 years of my life depriving myself from the only thing that had meaning in my life. Have I found another healthy meaning? Nope. I've just spent 3 years torturing myself to the point that I'm hurt as never before. All of this was wrong. Listening to a man who blames every problem in life on one thing in order to just sell his shitty pdfs that tell you to touch grass was probably one of the worst decisions in my life. I am done, gonna start a game tonight.
  8. Max

    Time to move on

    I appreciate your concern. It’s alright now. That day I wanted to buy a vape and go back to gaming, but decided that games nor nicotine won’t solve my problems. I had a therapy session today, so I’m already working on my mental health. Probably my journals would be different from now on. I still crave playing Overwatch, but gaming is not a problem. In order to fix my life I have to change myself. I have to change my attitude towards myself.
  9. Max

    Time to move on

    Just got diagnosed with a syndrome that causes me so much pain. I have to take medication for the rest of my life, also I can't lift anything more than 5-10kg for the rest of my life. I have to check up once a year, if it get's worse I'd need to do a surgery, that would cause me even more pain with a possibility to make me disabled. I think I'm having a mental breakdown. I've cried 5 times during the last hour. I wanna die
  10. Max

    Time to move on

    Day 142 without gaming. My doctor said that my problems with stomach ache and bad digestion could be not physiological, but rather psychological. And I see how it could be true. My problems started when I stopped gaming, and started preparing for school exams on May 2022. I've made some major decisions around that time, that I'll give up on university and will pursue self study. And I've felt quite uneasy since then. Because for my academical failures I have nothing to blame but myself. With that decision I've gained a great responsibility. And because I've stopped gaming I have no place to escape this tension. I used to escape into gaming for a major part of my life, and now it's gone. Another thing that made me felt uneasy is that I started craving gaming really hard after 100 days. And to be honest I don't understand why. I haven't changed anything in my life, so I have no clue what happened. I really need to look into this and investigate. Yesterday when I was falling asleep I had severe anxiety, almost like a panic attack. And I don't understand why, because I had nothing scheduled on today. Maybe it's because I've got diagnosed with yet another physical problem that needs surgery, but I thought that I took it quite easy. But maybe all this physical pain, loneliness, upcoming surgery, upcoming appointment with therapist and severe gaming cravings has all blended into anxiety/panic attack. I don't know yet, but I'm trying to reflect on myself as much as possible to understand what's happening.
  11. Max

    Time to move on

    I was going to the gym 3 times a week for the whole 2021. I’ve made some progress and my trainer suggested me to try competitive powerlifting tournament. I started preparing for it, and after 2 months my body just fell apart. I quit then, and now, after a year after this, I still have problems with veins and I’m in constant pain. So I guess sports, especially competitive is a big no no for me now. I get so obsessed with it that I would just destroy my body.
  12. Welcome back. Can relate to that, this is a very nasty stage. Like you wanna game and have fun, but you’ve already set your mind to gaming=bad mentality. So you don’t enjoy gaming as much, it feels wrong, but you still do it. So you are in between two worlds: one is gaming, and one is your ideal life. And you can’t stick to either if them, just bouncing back and forth. I am not here to give you advice, in fact I don’t have any. Just want to say that you are not alone in this.
  13. Max

    Time to move on

    Thank you, I’m trying my best. I know that it’s not just luck, it took me at least 2 years of attempts and failures to get to 137. My previous record was just 45. I know that I should take it one day at a time, but damn it is hard. I used to game to numb the pain, and now I have the same instinct. I was already considering relapsing yesterday. Honestly it’s so hard to keep your head clear during all this shit, I know that this is right and that this is what I should do, but in the moment I just want to give up and get lost in brain fog.
  14. Max

    Time to move on

    Hello, my name is Max, today is day 137 without video games. I am certain to say that this is the hardest time in my life so far. I have 3 appointments at the hospital tomorrow, I am in physical pain, I am lonely and depressed, I am disappointed in life, I crave to play on a daily basis. I am studying math and it is unrewarding. I feel like an absolute failure and disappointment for everyone who knows me. I feel like most people my age are way further in life. I think that my body is unattractive and it seems like I can’t do anything about it (eating 3k calories and drinking gainer for a year got me like 2 kg, so my weight was 58-59), I can’t grow muscles because I can’t exercise due to my physical condition (and even when I was I didn’t really grow anything). I have difficulties talking with people, especially with girls because I have 0 confidence.
  15. Max

    Time to move on

    I started playing Overwatch when I was 13. I was placed in gold, then dropped to silver for a year. I was very obsessed with climbing the ladder. By the time I turned 16 I’ve reached top 500 with 4200 peak sr. I’ve started playing scrims and tournaments with a team. The following years Overwatch was the only interest in my life. I saw studying, socializing and other activities as a chores and obstacles on my way of playing. My dopamine system was so fucked, that winning in Overwatch and climbing the rank was the only thing that gave me pleasure. I could neglect sleep, hunger, exhaustion just to continue playing. I just couldn’t stop. I would say “one more game” for hours. In real live I was (am) an absolute failure, so in order to numb my insecurities I would take someone else’s low rank account (silver, gold) and get it to GM in a few days. I liked dominating, playing with low skill players who can’t compete with me. Getting praised for being good. Overwatch brought the worst out of me. I knew that what I was doing is wrong, but it felt so good that I just couldn’t stop. You are absolutely right about the sequel, I’ve uninstalled the game on the second day of the release and I’m sober since then. I get cravings every day and they are strong, but the game is so fucked up at this point that it even keeps an addict like me to pass by. I have 0 interest in other games, my only obsession is Overwatch, but it’s so bad that I would rather suffer in real life.